Citylightsonthew: Thank you so much and there will be Ethan in this chapter. Thank you for your review.

ReadingxTherapy: I do love writing scenes between them. Let's hope so, so that Alicia can try and move on with her life. Thank you for your review.

Guest: Let's hope so. Thank you for your review.

Guest: That's a really good idea. Thank you for your suggestion and your review.

Chapter Twenty

"Doctor Munroe. Can I have a word?"

Alicia suddenly felt sick at the sound of Connie's voice, and she turned to see the clinical lead hovering behind her. Alicia nodded faintly and closed the file that she'd been looking through. She hoped that she wasn't in trouble and she hoped that Connie didn't want to talk about recent events. She'd had a good week so far; the court case hadn't been mentioned, she'd been having good days at work, and her kiss with Iain seemed to be long forgotten. Although the week had been good though, she still felt anxious, stressed and constantly on edge. Maybe throwing herself into work wasn't the best of ideas. She wasn't going to mention anything, but she just hoped that nothing would make her low mood even worse.

"What about?" She asked nervously.

"It's nothing scary, don't worry," Connie said. "But the paramedics need a doctor today. I was wondering if you fancied a change of environment at all? It will get you out for a bit and might be a good distraction for you."

"Really?" Alicia asked. "Do you think I can do it?"

"I wouldn't be asking you if I didn't, would I?" Connie said. "Come on, it would be a good experience for you. What do you say?"

"Sure," Alicia agreed after a moment of hesitation. "Sure. Okay."

"Go and get in your uniform," Connie said. "I'll let Iain know."

"Well, this is...Good," Iain said awkwardly, as he stood beside the ambulance and handed Alicia a bag. "Was this your suggestion or Mrs Beauchamp's suggestion?" He asked.

"Mrs Beauchamp's," Alicia whispered. "Are you okay with me being here, Iain? You said that you'd forgiven me but..."

"I have," he sighed. "But you did still kiss me, Alicia. Forgive me for feeling a little awkward when it's just the two of us."

"I'm not going to kiss you again," Alicia said, rocking to one side as she lifted the bag onto her back.

"Are you okay?" Iain frowned at her.

"I'm fine." Alicia nodded. "Just tired. It's um...It's been a rough couple of months."

"Yeah," Iain sighed and nodded in agreement. "I bet. How are you anyway?"

Alicia shrugged her shoulders, as the two of them began to walk towards the block of flats. "Alright," she answered.

"Alright?" He asked. "You don't sound sure."

"I'm trying to get on with my life," Alicia told him. "But it's hard. The thoughts are still there, I'll randomly feel low for no reason, and although I'm trying to be happy it's a lot harder than I imagined."

"Are you still speaking to Lily?" He asked.

"Not so much," she whispered. "She has her own life and ever since finding out that it was the same guy, I've felt differently. I don't want to throw anything else on her, not whilst she's struggling."

"Well, she's staying the night at mine tonight," Iain said. "I'll talk to her. I know for a fact that she doesn't want to lose you as a friend."

"Really?" For some reason, Alicia sounded surprised.

"Yeah," Iain said. "You mean a lot to her."

"So, how was it?" Elle asked Alicia, as she followed them through the doors of resus, the patient groaning out in pain on the gurney. "Connie told me that you'd gone out with the paramedics."

"Yeah, it was good," Alicia answered, trying her best to force a smile so that Elle wouldn't notice that she was feeling unwell.

She glanced across at Bea and Ethan who were working together to treat the patient that they'd just brought in. Ethan looked great as usual, and although they were on good terms now, she still missed him. She missed their relationship.

Elle nodded, but she was staring at Alicia quite intensely as if she was trying to work something out.

"Are you okay?" She soon asked.

Alicia tried to answer, but a huge wave of dizziness suddenly came over her and she collapsed backwards. Ethan and Bea quickly stepped away to catch her before she hit the ground, and Elle leapt into panic straight away.

"Alicia!" She yelled.

"It's fine, I've got her," Ethan said, helping Alicia to her feet, whilst gesturing to Bea to get back to the patient.

He cared for Alicia and he wanted to make sure that she was okay, but he also didn't want to leave any patients untreated.

"Come on," he whispered in her ear, whilst already leading her towards the door. "Let's get some air."

"I'm okay," Alicia tried to tell him, as they left.

Her face was pale though and her legs wobbled like jelly beneath her. Ethan was too scared to let go of her hand in case she ended up passing out again.

"You're not okay, you just fainted in resus," Ethan said, making the quick decision to take her to the staffroom.

Luckily for them everyone was working hard, so the room was completely empty. Ethan was pleased to have some time alone with Alicia, and whilst she didn't admit it, Alicia felt the same.

"Sit down, I'll get you a glass of water," Ethan ordered, as he grabbed a glass and turned on the cold tap.

"You're not clinical lead anymore, you know?" She sighed, but took a seat on the sofa. "Mrs Beauchamp is back."

"She still needs to take care of herself though," Ethan said and handed her the glass. "Besides, I wasn't sure if you'd want her to know that you'd fainted."

"Thanks," Alicia muttered and had a small sip of her drink. "Have you seen Lily today?"

"Briefly," Ethan said and sat next to her. "Did you want me to go and get her?"

Alicia thought about it for a second. Part of her did want to see Lily, part of her wanted to fall into her arms and burst into tears, but then she thought about how upset Lily had been since the police station and she soon changed her mind.

"No," she whispered and shook her head. "I'm fine. Thank you, Ethan."

"Are you feeling any better?" He asked awkwardly, and she faintly nodded. "You scared me. Why do you think you fainted?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "Exhaustion, maybe? I...I have been really tired, and the court case is approaching so I've been a bit stressed."

"I see," Ethan said.

"What?" Alicia frowned at him. "Is that all you can say? I see?"

"What do you want me to say?" He scoffed, but Alicia didn't say anything. "I'm just worried," he whispered. "Have you...I mean, do you...Do you think that you could be pregnant?"

"I'm not," Alicia said straight away. "I promise you that I'm not."

"You don't know that, Alicia," Ethan said and gulped as he spoke. "You...You were r...r..."

"I know I'm not," Alicia spoke before he could even say the dreadful word. "I took a pregnancy test. It was negative."

"Oh," Ethan said awkwardly. "Good."

"I'm just so tired, Ethan," Alicia sighed, as small tears began to trickle down her face. "I feel like I can barely stand up straight."

"Well, obviously you can't," Ethan chuckled, referring to the fact that she'd just fainted. "Are you sure that you're okay to work?" He asked, and she nodded firmly. "When...When Cal died, I thought that it was best to throw myself into work. I missed him so much, I have Huntingtons, he was my only family member left, and I wasn't even sure if I could carry on with life without him. I realised something though. I realised that it's okay to take a break and have some time to yourself every once in a while."

Alicia didn't say anything.

"What I'm saying is that if you did need to take some time away from work, no one would blame you," Ethan said. "I wish that I had taken some more time after Cal's death so that I was able to grieve properly."

"Do you still miss him?" She asked.

"Of course I do," Ethan said. "I always will."

"I miss him too," Alicia said, as she began to cry.

"Hey, come here," he soothed and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. "Come here."

"Is this Cal's punishment for me?" She cried. "I was so horrible to him."

"You weren't horrible," Ethan said. "And you need to stop saying that. I forgive you, so you need to try and forgive yourself as well, alright? Now, are you sure that you don't want me to go and get Lily?"

"I'm sure," she cried into his shirt. "Please. I just want you."

"And I'm here," Ethan said and rubbed small circles up and down her back. "I promise you that I'm here. I love you so much, Alicia. I never should have broken up with you."

"What?" She sniffed and wiped away her tears, whilst slowly pulling away from him.

Her body was trembling, and she slowly set the glass of water down on the table.

"C...Can I k...Kiss you?" Ethan stuttered anxiously.

Alicia tried to smile, but she was so tired and it was so hard. She was confused. Did Ethan seriously still have feelings for her? Her head felt like such a mess, and she couldn't make heads or tails of anything.

"No," she whispered.

Ethan's eyes widened and although he nodded at her, he seemed disappointed.

"It's not you, it's me," Alicia said quickly. "I love you Ethan, I do, and I'd love nothing more than to be with you. Just the thought of kissing someone makes me feel sick though."

"You kissed Iain," Ethan muttered under his breath.

Alicia let out a small gasp and she choked back another sob. She felt like the worse person in the world. She wiped away another tear and shrugged her shoulders, as she tried to find her words.

"I didn't mean to," she cried. "But that was different. I did that because I was upset and I was lonely. I...I just don't know if I'm able to maintain a relationship right now, not with anyone, because I just...I just end up thinking of him."

"I'm not going to hurt you," Ethan said.

"I know," Alicia said. "My heart tells me that, but my brain doesn't."

"I still love you though," Ethan said.

"Maybe one day we can try again," Alicia said. "But I don't feel ready to be with anyone right now, and I don't want to keep you waiting. That won't be fair."

"I don't mind," Ethan said. "I'll wait for you."

Those words made Alicia's heart melt, and realising how kind and lovely Ethan was made her cry even harder. He just wrapped an arm around her shoulder and gave her another hug, allowing her to cry hard into his shirt. He didn't even mind that she was soaking it through with her tears.

He just wanted her to be okay, and sometimes a good cry helped.

"You know, I still owe you that dinner," Ethan said. "How about it? We can start slow."

"Sure," Alicia agreed, as she wiped away some more tears. "I'd like that."

"How did Alicia get on?" Lily asked, as she helped Iain make the bed before they went to sleep that night.

"Good," he answered, slipping a pillowcase on. "We had a good chat about you." Lily's eyes widened at that, and she looked almost scared. "It's nothing to worry about," Iain chuckled. "Alicia just misses you, that's all. She's been trying to give you some space because she feels bad."

"She doesn't need to give me space," Lily said. "I told her that I wouldn't leave her, didn't I?"

"That's what she thinks though," Iain said. "I think you should talk to her. She's going through a hard time right now."

"Yes, and so am I," Lily snapped.

"What happened to you was years ago, Lily," Iain said.

"Yeah," she sighed and flopped down onto the bed. "It doesn't leave you though, does it? It never will, no matter how hard you try."

Iain suddenly felt terrible and he threw the other pillowcase down onto the floor so that he could go and sit beside Lily.

"Sorry," he whispered and wrapped an arm around her. "I didn't mean to snap. You've been such a good friend though, and Alicia needs you. Are you still seeing that counsellor?"

"I am supposed to be," Lily said. "I haven't seen her in a while though."

"Maybe you should," Iain said.

"I'm just tired of being the one to always go to Alicia," Lily said. "I've told her that I'm there for her, so if she wants to talk or needs to talk then she should feel as if she can come to me."

"I think she just feels bad," Iain said.

"Well, she doesn't need to," Lily said.

"She can't help it though, can she?" Iain said. "Her head is all over the place at the moment. She's scared, worried, upset, and she feels as if she's getting in everyone's way. Now, we know that she isn't, but that's how she feels."

"But if I ask her if she's okay, I know what the answer will be," she said. "She'll say that she's fine, but she won't be. She tried to kill herself for crying out loud."

"What?" Iain asked, and Lily suddenly realised what she'd said. "What? When...When did this happen, Lily?"

"Sorry," she sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything. "It was before we went to the station though. She rang me from the beach, she told me how she'd almost drowned herself. I wasn't expecting it. She never said how she'd felt that low, and it really got to me." Tears pricked Lily's eyes as she spoke. "I still can't believe it."

"If she doesn't want to talk about her true feelings, then we need to accept that," Iain said.

"Not if she tries to kill herself though, Iain. It's just hard playing counsellor to her sometimes, when I'm not in a particularly good place myself," Lily said. "I've told her that she should see someone, but she doesn't seem too fond of the idea."

"Let's be honest," Iain said. "Were you?"

Lily thought about it for a second, before shaking her head.

"I didn't think so," Iain said. "Just give her time. I know it's hard and although she may not show it, she really does value your friendship and your company. Just try your best, okay? And if you need to talk to someone, you can always talk to me. Book another appointment with that counsellor though, please."

"Will it shut you up if I do?" She teased.

"Of course," he laughed and wrapped his arms around her. "And just try your best with Alicia. I know that it isn't easy, but it will get better, for both of you."

So, I hope you liked the chapter. I wanted to include Alicia's faint from the trailer, even though I have no idea what actually happens during that scene, lol.