Chapter Six: Goodbye Hell
When you turn a blind eye to the horror in the world, that horror becomes you – unknown
Sideswipe hated his spark. This was unusual in two ways. For one, Cybertronians didn't often hold a great deal of contempt for their soul-like life force. Secondly, Sideswipe didn't often hate things in general.
But, despite the larger twin's bubbly personality and enjoyment of life, he found he too could hate things as passionately as Sunstreaker.
Sideswipe hated his spark for exactly three reasons. First, there was an enormous gaping hole inside it all the time.
The bond that he'd shared with his carrier, the one he so violently lost, never let him move on from his pain. The abyss-like hole was just a large painful ache in his chassis on a daily basis.
Secondly, the bond with his sire, the one that he had not yet lost, never let him live in peace.
He was young when his sire had come home with those awful red optics. Sideswipe often wondered what had become of Cable that day, but also knew in the back of processors it was probably something he'd never get an answer to.
All he knew, was that the image of his sire chasing them down that alley would be burned into his memory banks forever.
He wouldn't forget the growling and roaring that came from a voice that once softly taught him how to build his first scooter board.
He wouldn't forget the scream of metal grinding against metal as Cable forced himself through the alley, nor the red hot sparks that exploded around him.
He wouldn't forget that fear. Not ever. Every time he thought he would, the bond with his sire would murmur and all that terror would come flooding right back.
The last and final reason he hated his spark so much, was because his annoying fragger of a twin kept blocking his half of it.
It wasn't that Sideswipe wanted to know everything about Sunstreaker all the time, but when Sunstreaker put up walls, well . . . Sideswipe never felt more alone.
Sideswipe didn't like to feel alone. He didn't know why it bothered him so much, but he just needed some bot to talk to.
Talking to someone meant he still actually had someone. Sideswipe never realized just how fast and easy it was to lose someone. He didn't realize how hard it was to hold onto bots you cared about.
It was like trying to hold oil. It just fell right through his digits.
Every time Sunstreaker put up a wall, Sideswipe felt like he was losing his twin.
Which was why he was currently punching his twin in the faceplates.
"You fragger!" Sunstreaker shrieked. "You think I need dents on top of this?" He growled gesturing to his outdated frame.
"Well I can't talk sense into you!" Sideswipe snapped. "I might as well smack it in."
Sunstreaker seethed and marched towards his twin. Their arms flew out and they began grappling on the ground, both growling like wild cyberhounds over a scrap of energon.
"Take it the frag down!" Sideswipe yelled, talking about the bond.
"Why?" Sunstreaker shouted back.
"Why do you need it?" Sideswipe complained as his hits became half-hearted.
Sunstreaker shoved his twin off him.
"Why do you hate it?" Sunstreaker questioned back as they lay venting heavily.
"I don't know," Sideswipe muttered angrily.
"Like slag you don't," Sunstreaker replied firmly.
"Why do you need it?" Sideswipe repeated, sitting up and glaring at his twin.
Sunstreaker sat up to meet his glare with his own.
"I told you. I don't like you poking around in my spark," he said.
"Yeah, well. Whatever," Sideswipe shot back intelligently. Sunstreaker vented angrily. There was a very long moment of silence.
"I'm not weak," Sunstreaker said at last. Sideswipe glanced over at his twin with a look of confusion.
"I know," he agreed quickly, wondering where this conversation was going.
"Sometimes I just, get so afraid," Sunstreaker continued. His faceplates were screwed up in a little frown.
"Every bot gets afraid," Sideswipe agreed.
"But I – I can't," Sunstreaker argued.
"What do you mean you can't?" Sideswipe asked.
"I can't be afraid," Sunstreaker whispered.
"Says who?" Sideswipe said angrily, wondering if some bot had actually told his brother how he could feel.
"Well no bot actually says it but, can't you tell? We're mechs. Mechs can't be weak. Mechs can't be a-afraid or sad or confused," Sunstreaker was rambling now.
"I can't show you o-or anyone my spark because of how much fragging emotions are there," Sunstreaker finished in a bitter tone.
"What's wrong with emotions?" Sideswipe wondered. He supposed he'd heard it before that femmes were supposed to be the ones in touch with their sparks, but he'd never paid it any mind.
"Everything Sideswipe!" Sunstreaker stated loudly.
"Well, I mean sure they don't feel great sometimes. Are you talking about t-the bond? With c-carrier?" Sideswipe was hesitant to bring up the subject.
They had never actually talked about what had happened out loud. Sure they had emotions over their bond, comforting each other through it the best they could, but they never spoken a real word about that day.
"No," Sunstreaker shook his helm.
"What then?" Sideswipe asked, relieved to not talk about the events of their past, but still thoroughly confused.
"All emotions. They're weak, t-they're not – I don't know," Sunstreaker trailed off.
"Not what. Primus just tell me," Sideswipe begged.
"Not mech-like," Sunstreaker whispered.
"Not mech-like?" Sideswipe said with a blank look on his faceplates.
Sunstreaker vented for a really long time, and then suddenly Sideswipe felt the flicker of his twin in his spark. A large grin broke onto his faceplates.
The grin faltered a second later.
There were intense feelings of disgust and guilt and self-hate coming from Sunstreaker. It took Sideswipe a moment to sort through his twin's emotions.
At last, Sideswipe was able to put it together. Sunstreaker felt like he failed at being a mech. That he was supposed to be stronger and faster and tougher, that his current state was pathetic.
His emotions were so toxic and Sideswipe wondered where they had come from.
Memories began to flood through the bond.
Memories of larger mechs picking on his twin, telling him he was too weak to be a mech.
Older bots looking at him and asking him why he was so small for a mech.
Femmes looking down on him and saying he was the cutest little mech they ever saw.
An old sparkling from their education center, one who Sunstreaker had almost considered a friend, sat next to him saying something.
"I wish I had a different frame sometimes," Sunstreaker was saying in faith. "When I get my upgrade, I'm going to get a really pretty modern frame," he told the sparkling.
You can't have a pretty frame weirdo. Pretty frames are for femmes," the sparkling retorted.
"They are?" Sunstreaker asked sadly.
"Yeah, pretty frames aren't mech-like."
The memories subsided, and Sideswipe looked to see his twin shivering. He wrapped a servo around his brother's shoulders.
"You're the coolest mech I know," Sideswipe began softly, causing Sunstreaker to look up. Sideswipe continued.
"And we're going to sneak into a medical center and steal you the prettiest frame we can find, and mechs are going to be sooo fragging jealous when they see you," Sideswipe decided.
Sunstreaker gave him a small confused smile.
"Won't they think - "
"No," Sideswipe cut his twin off.
"It doesn't matter what they think," Sideswipe told him firmly. Sunstreaker's optics widened.
"I – I guess so," He agreed. Sideswipe sent feelings of assurance over the bond. He knew he hadn't convinced his twin to have a change of spark.
He knew there were still going to be walls and fear of showing fear from his brother, but this was a start.
Sideswipe was just glad that he wasn't the reason his twin was shutting him out. He'd been so afraid that Sunstreaker had stopped loving him. Just like he feared every bot else hated him too.
He was relieved to know that he would always have his twin.
The twins decided to leave Kaon.
The pair of them had looked at the foreboding and sparkless city, and without saying a word they turned and began walking away.
Where they were headed next, the two had no clue. All they knew was that they hoped the next city over would have streets that were less dangerous.
They also didn't want to try to sneak into the Kaon Medical Center. If enforcers caught them, they would rather it not be Kaon enforcers.
Luckily, they didn't have to walk their journey for long. A traveling merchant rumbled by them on the long road to the next city, and as he passed they ran and jumped onto the cart he was pulling.
They hadn't ridden in a vehicle since their sparklinghood, and their peds relaxed in relief. Both had peds so scuffed and dented one would've thought they got chewed on by a Predacon.
"I wonder where we're headed," Sideswipe mused as he lay back against a crate of something.
Sunstreaker's indigo optics gazed at the fading image of Kaon in the distance. His optics narrowed slightly.
"Anywhere is better than there," he decided. Neither twin ever wanted to go back there again. After all, nothing said The Pit like bots who turned a blind optic to two dying sparklings.
Maybe, just maybe, in this new city they would find someone who would actually help them for once.
But if not, they still had each other.
OkAy, i know recent chapters have been a bit short, and a bit lacking in action, but don't worry these are just transition chapters. Next chapter stuff really starts to happen and their adventure really kicks off. I just wanted to do a bit of character explanation before we jump into things cuz there isn't gonna be a lot of time to do it coming up. Anyways, i hope you enjoyed the chapter, and please review it's super helpful!
Keep Writing Keep Reading, Nova out ;)