Shine

There's always a fine line between what you think the right choice is, and the wrong one. Choosing between rotting away in a room for who knows how long and going off with a random sylveon I apparently interrupted the mission of, that was an easy choice at the time. I had a chance to improve my situation, to go out and do something, to actually work towards a goal of some kind, it seemed so enticing, why wouldn't I take the opportunity as it presented itself? Too bad I had no idea what I was getting myself into…

It's not like I thought I made a bad choice, I just might have… given it more thought had I known what exactly the 'goal' I was going to work towards was. I knew it probably wasn't going to be the most noble cause in the world, or I figured at least, after seeing the protocol of one of their members, but I wasn't expecting to just kind of be… what I am now. And running away wouldn't help the situation… I would probably be chased back.

Well, to say the least, I was now stuck in a group that I wasn't too glad to be within, and I don't really think I could do anything about it at the moment. I took a risk though, I had to be ready for whatever happened based on that risk alone. Getting stuck into a group where I now had to obey a leader who wasn't fond of… anyone it seemed, I had to be ready for that, and I was to an extent. I couldn't expect anything grand after one of them nearly shattered my ribs beyond repair because I made a mission slightly harder for them, even after I helped out too. That same guy is pretty close with the leader of this group, a garchomp, one that barely emoted at all, just ran a small collection of misfits to do some bidding he was too lazy to participate in. Or rather, he just didn't want to. I couldn't tell if it was actually laziness, or lack of interest. Either way, I don't like the guy…

Of course, as soon as I arrived here, I wondered many, many things. Like what the purpose behind it all was, and why exactly we needed to go around and steal these… gem things from other pokemon. I had no idea what they were being used for, I just know that I needed to contribute, or I would be punished, and if that garchomp has any similarities to the pokemon he leads, I want nothing to do with any punishment. Especially from someone with claws… I don't want to think about what he may do if I make him mad.

Other than wondering what the purpose of this group was, I also wondered why exactly Crescent would lead me back to a place like this, when rather than a goal, all it's done is confuse the crap out of me. In fact, turns out, she was required to recruit someone soon, otherwise, she would be next on the row of being 'punished.' With that in my head, it seemed like her main priority was to avoid that, rather than help my pathetic self back in Myriad. I understood though, I mean, I haven't been able to talk to her since we arrived here a day ago, but from the look of things, she may as well have been a captive here. She wasn't treated well by any of the others, but they didn't seem to try and attack her or anything. Based on what happened when I first met Crescent, she seemed like she could easily stomp out any of the other pokemon here, save for the leader. She made it no secret that she threatens anyone who suggests that they could hurt her…

I felt just as out of place as possible here, I had no idea how anything worked, what I was supposed to do, how I was supposed to do it, if I was doing the right thing, if it was worth it to leave Myriad, to leave Cyan and the rest of my siblings, if this was the right way to try and fix my mental problems, if everything was going to work out after sticking around this place for long, if I was even going to be safe in a place like this… I had no idea. I was clueless, blank, ignorant, hoping that I didn't make the wrong choice.

I took in a breath and opened my eyes, revealing the dusk sky, making me squint and close them once more. I waited for a few seconds, and tried over and over, until my eyes adapted to the sunlight. I rolled over on my stomach and stretched each of my limbs out, before rubbing my face in the ground to wake myself up. I was on a small cloth, only covering my head, while the rest of my body rested on the soft feeling of grass and dirt. Sleeping on the ground with a makeshift pillow was oddly comforting, much more so than I imagined after sleeping in a bed constructed out of straw from a location I was unaware of. Not that I was disappointed in any way though, there had to be something good to come of my first impressions of staying with this group.

I pushed myself up and off of the ground and shook my head, looking all around me, seeing nothing but an open field and a small body of water not too far away from the area. The air was cold, as usual when this time of year comes around, but not enough to be anything more than an annoyance. Surrounding me, laid what was currently two pokemon, Crescent, and the electabuzz that I wasn't too fond of. The rest of the group had separated from us off to another area to find more weird gems of varying color, while us three were left here to travel the outskirts of Myriad and then to somewhere new. I only got the chance to glance at a few of the other group members, and I don't even remember half of their species, but I assumed that I would end up running into them another time in the future anyway.

I spent a few days sort of familiarizing myself with the protocol this group usually takes when it comes to finding and taking these gems of sorts. Through the whole week, I didn't even get a chance to ask anyone questions, I was only able to observe the way everyone else worked, namely how they readied themselves to, for lack of a better term, rob other pokemon. After seeing that for the first time, as… questionable as it was, I had to wonder if all of this was right or not, if I was getting myself into something I didn't want to touch. I had so much doubt within my head, so much of the future that I was ignorant to, so much of the present I was unsure of, I was receiving the full impact of the risk I took right off the bat. Yet… I couldn't deny that it might have been helping my mental state.

It's pretty idiotic to think about, but just having something to do, even if I have no idea the intentions of it, helped me. I couldn't explain it if I tried, but knowing that you have something to do, rather than being stuck in one spot, is much better than being stuck in a loop, one that you have no idea how to get out of. At the moment, I didn't care if what I was doing could be considered right or wrong, all I cared about was working to accomplish something. I'll deal with the consequences of my actions later. One thing at a time.

I dragged my body through the thin blades of grass, heading to the glistening pond nearby, and dunking my head into it. The water was freezing cold, as was the weather currently, but regardless, what better way was there to wake yourself up? After leaving my head on the verge of frostbite for a few more moments, I brought it back up, and shook my head roughly, drying the fur that covered my face and ears. Now fully awake, I backed up from the pond, no longer contemplating whether joining up with whatever this group was the right decision or not. I would find out eventually, and that's when I would deal with it.

The group split up last night, leaving the three of us here. Honestly, I had no idea how working with other pokemon was going to take place, I never really had the opportunity to work in a group, this will be a totally new experience for me. I didn't have a problem trying to work with Crescent, as even if she recruited me only because she needed to, she still had a kind demeanor, so I wasn't worried. The electabuzz on the flipside, for obvious reasons, working that out will be… interesting. Hopefully he doesn't try and break me in my sleep…

I sat down back where I had just been sleeping, looking up to the sky, noticing quite the accumulation of clouds. What a time for the weather to act up… Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Crescent shifting and turning a bit, before her body rising off of the ground. Once she steadied herself and stretched, she gave me a quick glance, and looked away, presumably trying to wake herself up. I re-closed my eyes, trying to think of any areas around here that may have been worth investigating for gems. It didn't take very long for me to come up blank, which caused me to quietly sigh. I wish I had a better idea as to where we could search, it would give me something to do.

"Don't you look focused."

A feminine voice came from my right, where I was looking earlier, the same sylveon that took me here in the first place. "As focused as I can be when I have no idea what I'm doing." I responded in a bored voice. Maybe we'll end up wandering around to look for leads or something, anything was is better than rotting away in a shelter.

Crescent moved closer to me, her eyes evading me for some reason. "It's not that hard to get the hang of, the real problem is messing with the wrong pokemon." I nodded to each of her words. "Seeing as you nearly knocked out two pokemon clearly more experienced than you though, a little training and I think you'll end up just fine." Because that'll happen again…

"You do realize that was dumb luck, right?" I had never been in an actual fight before that, I just tried to imitate everything Kuro did when I saw him do the same. Even then, I flopped for the most part, and ended up doing… something, using some kind of attack I had no idea I could even pull off in the first place. That entire confrontation was nothing but luck.

"Maybe not, who knows, you could have some hidden talent locked within you!" She tried to smiled, though it was obviously forced.

"Had you not shown up, I would have broken ribs and possibly more right now, if I had any sort of talent, that wouldn't be the case. My luck ran out." I bluntly replied.

Crescent seemed wordless after I was finished talking. "W-Well… Um… You clearly had some idea what you were doing, even if it was a vague one."

"I saw one pokemon fight over a month ago, that's all I have in terms of an 'idea.'" I ended up turning my head to the ground ever so slightly. If only he had a chance to teach me a thing or two… but he must have been busy.

"That's it..? You must have had a sheltered life before you witnessed that."

"I was alone with a few adults and some other younger ones. That's it, we never fought between one another, nor was there any violence close enough to warrant me witnessing anything." And I'm thankful for it.

Crescent paused for a few seconds. "No violence between the pokemon you lived with?" I nodded in affirmation. "Your group sounds kind, part of me wants to meet them. A lot more peaceful than anything here." I coughed.

If only you had the chance to meet them… "They were kind, they always watched after the little ones, and helped everyone there. They deserved better lives than what what was given to them." I reminisced a bit. Everyone in that group, the adults and the children, they always helped one another, never let one fall behind, not once. But now, even the ones other than me who are left, they're too broken to help each other anymore. It's pointless to try and fix someone who has already shattered when you have too.

Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Crescent taking a step back, looking a bit regretful. I took a second to wonder why, then realized that everything I had just said to her was in past tense. I may as well have told her they were dead.

"I-I'm sure… things will get better from now on. There's still a lot of the future left for you to look forward to…" Her voice was much quieter than before, making me let out a small sigh.

"It's not worth harping over now. The only thing I want to do is get as far away from that thought as possible." Thinking about the future… I had already done that enough since I laid my eyes on all of my friends' corpses. It wasn't a notion I wanted to continue any more than I had to.

"I-I get it, sorry for um… bringing that up." She matched my body, looking to the ground a little bit. I just shook my head, as it to tell her not to worry about it. I didn't feel like talking about it any longer, or talking much at all, my voice was, while better, still scratchy. At the very least, my cough seemed to go away for the most part, so I wasn't going to die from lack of health. "And also… sorry for bringing you here."

I turned to look at Crescent, still a few feet away, her head was tilted much farther down than previously. "I advertised this place like it was something great for you to try, but a lot of that came off my tongue automatically, I'm sure you've already seen that working here isn't the most pleasant thing in the world." She spoke apologetically.

Despite figuring out that my hunch was right, I wasn't exactly angry with her or anything. As much as I wished that I was being invited here out of nothing but good intentions, she must have had her reasons, especially from what I know of this group so far. "I forgive you." I took a breath to prevent myself from coughing. "It's not like rotting away in a huge town was going to do me any good. No matter how crappy the conditions here are, anything is better than that. I'd sooner give myself up to the whatever organization that took me a month ago than keep with my old routine." I may have used a bit of hyperbole, but I made my point clear.

Another pause between the two of us took place, this one longer than the last. I hoped I hadn't said too much, but at the same time, couldn't find myself caring if I did. I was trying to express my emotions, and the only way I could do that right now was through talking, as blunt and rash as I might have sounded.

"I wondered what was bugging you since I first saw your condition." Crescent walked closer to me again and looked me in the eye. "You're brooding. All you're focusing on is what happened in the past, and running away from it, rather than trying to do something about it." You're certainly not wrong… "Nothing is going to get better unless you do something about it. Rotting away in a town as you put it, you're the only one who can change all of that."

I didn't break eye contact. "I know that already." Even if i'm the only one who can do anything about it… "That doesn't make it any easier. I've tried over and over to think of something that can help what goes through my head, nothing has worked."

The tension of the stare down between the two of us rose, I could feel it. "Have you tried everything though? Everything that goes through your head? Or are you avoiding certain points because you don't want to try them?"

What could I possibly be missing that would help me? I can't just stop thinking about what happened, and how I couldn't do anything to stop it, and how… how I couldn't keep them safe like I wanted to. "I've tried everything that pops into my head, everything practical." I began to not like where this conversation was going, I was starting to get worked up.

"Then there's part of the whole issue you don't understand." How would you know..? Through one conversation and a week of being in the same area you know everything that goes through my head?

"I doubt it. You can't get much more black and white than what happened. There's no hidden side to this that I'm not seeing, I'm having a hard time getting over past events. It's that simple." It had to be that simple.

She shook her head, taking a step closer. "Whatever happened to you specifically, that's black and white. What's going on in your head, that's the opposite. Nothing in your head has two simple sides like that."

I know it probably wasn't her intention, but it almost felt like she was patronizing me. Intentional or not, it wasn't making me very happy. "How can you possibly know what's going on in my head? So much has happened in such a short amount of time, I can't even process all of it… Arceus, I barely know what's in my mind!" I coughed, straining my voice from yelling wasn't the best idea.

"You're forgetting something, I know more about you than you know about me. In fact, all you know is my name." Crescent kept her composure, despite my small outburst. "Ever think of what I've dealt with in the past? I can't say I relate to you, but I've met so many others similar, I know exactly what's going through your head." I don't get it…

I ended up averting my eyes. I wasn't exactly proud of how angry I was getting, even if it was hard to resist it in the first place. It was rare someone was able to get under my skin like this in the past, maybe I was ever so slowly changing because of all that's happened, and it wasn't a welcome change. "Then tell me… tell me what's wrong with me... " I came off as a lot more desperate than I anticipated.

Crescent remained with the silent air for a bit, staring me down. It felt almost like she was taunting me with this… and I hated it. I had no idea what her intentions actually were, or if she was meaning to be as insulting as it all felt. It was way more likely that I was over-analyzing, and getting worked up over nothing because I wasn't in the best mood, but either way, I couldn't deny what I felt in my head. Nothing but a blur, a meshed up image of colors I couldn't decipher, none of it was black and white at all. And she knows that… She read me like a book… Almost as if she knows my head better than I do.

"You're not in the state you are because of what happened, that's not all of it at least. Obviously it upsets you, but that's not why you're acting the way you are. That's not why everything in your head is so uncertain, and why you're brooding as much as you are." I looked back at Crescent as she spoke, admittedly intrigued, though still annoyed. "It's more than just being upset about losing pokemon you care about, it's the way it happened. I don't know details, but I can already tell that's what's getting through to you, and cutting deep."

I attempted to take her sentence apart, to determine what she meant, but I couldn't. In my head, it made no sense. Why did it matter how they all died? The point is, they're gone, that's that. They're not coming back, I had to sit back, and see the aftermath of it all, it was clear to me that all of the ones that weren't right with me were gone. That notion alone… that wasn't what was bothering me? It was the method? That didn't make sense to me. Had it been any different, they would still be gone, I would still be in the same state, maybe worse if the ones who killed them were brutal. Nothing would change. Say they were attacked in a different way, the only difference with that would be one thing, I might have been with them, in the place I should have been. I might have died with them, like I should have. Maybe dying there would have been better, I wouldn't be stuck here… feeling so useless like this…

"Can't nail it?" Crescent spoke again, breaking the revived silence. I didn't do anything in response, still throwing around random theories in my head. "The way you feel, you're not just mourning, are you? There's more to it. If you were only mourning, this would all make sense to you, but it doesn't. Beyond all of that sadness and grief you feel inside of you, there's one more defining emotion, far more evident in your head, but hidden at the same time." She took a step closer, and put her head right beside mine. "Guilt."

The feeling of Crescent's breath washing over my ear made me shiver, whether it was the whisper itself or the word she said, I was unsure. The notion still made my body freeze, even if I didn't know the direct cause. Guilt..? I feel guilty..? Why would I..?

Crescent took a step back, looking at me as she was before. "I told you, I can't relate, but I've seen a lot of other pokemon who can. It's not about them being gone, not all of it, whoever you lost, you were close with them, never separate." She took a short pause. "You feel like you should have died with them, that you shouldn't be alive right now, or that you don't deserve to be alive when all of them are gone." My mind when numb. "You feel like there was something you could have done to stop this from happening, and because of that, because you couldn't actually prevent it, you feel as if you've failed them, whether it was within your control or not. Along with this, you feel like you should be dead, along with everyone you lost."

The dense air between the two of us didn't feel any different, but the fog that was gathering my head so predominantly, it all cleared out a bit. I never knew what was going through my head since I figured out about the incident, but I never really gave it the thought I needed to, did I? I just assumed, I guessed that the only reason I was upset, angry, unstable, depressed, I thought it was only because I lost them all. That wasn't all it was though, was it? I still wasn't used to being away from them, they were my family, all of us were always together, and I thought that's how it was going to be until our death date. All of us working together, helping one another, until further notice. Nothing would ever change, we would always be an inseparable group.

Then… we were pulled away from one another, sketched into two halves, neither one knowing where to go or what to do. Our grandfather, he lead us to Myriad, and he told us it was safe here, before leaving. I still don't know where he went, or if he's okay, but I always assumed he was doing good, out living in someplace happily. It was scary to be away from them, but I had Cyan to help me, and the rest of my siblings within our group. Not only that, but after a bit of waiting, I even got to see Kuro again, and show him that I had evolved, that I was stronger. I was even taller than him, that gave me a good laugh, it showed that even though all of us were split, we could have good moments, we can be happy at times, we just need to work towards re-uniting as much as we possibly could. Soon after all of this went through my head, Kuro left without a word, which I thought was odd of him to do. And not long after that… I was told about a discovery that was made not far from Myriad. The bodies of the majority of my family.

Right after I was told about all of this, I was in a state of disbelief. I knew Cyan wouldn't lie to me about anything, but at the same time, I couldn't just believe that all of them were found dead. That wasn't a possibility in my mind, call it being naive, I couldn't see it as possible. So what did I do? I went direct to the site that supposedly held their bodies. Have I ever made a worse mistake? Probably not. As soon as I made it to the sight, the smell alone was enough to make me sick, before I even took a step into the awful place.

Somehow, the putrid odor wasn't enough to turn me away though, neither was my sickness. So of course, I walked right into the shelter, and my vision went black right after. After an undisclosed amount of time passed, I woke up, blood matting my fur down from the spot I lost consciousness. I slowly stood up, and looked at what made me initially pass out. To say the very least, I confirmed in my mind, the rest of my family was dead. If there was any part of me denying it at that point, it was that pile of corpses, rotting, decomposing corpses, which finally shot all denial out of my system. After that, my mental state instantly declined to what it was for those weeks I spent aimlessly wandering around the town, and it hasn't gotten much better.

And the sylveon in front of me figured out the root of the problem in ten percent of the time I spent tossing and turning it in my head.

Like denial of my previous situation, the notion that I was only upset like this because more than half of my family was ripped away from me, that was gone from my mind. I belonged with them, they were the closest companions I had for the entirety of my life, and the moment we separate, they're gone. I should have died along with them, I agreed with that. I didn't deserve to be alive if they were dead, we lived as one, not as separated parts. If I couldn't do anything to help, then I deserved to be right along with them, right when whoever killed them all did the job. I should be dead just like the rest of them… I really should.

"So? Am I right?" I had subconsciously dipped my head again, but it snapped to the attention of Crescent as she talked. "Looks like you just went into a trance or something, I had to have inspired some thought."

I paused, staring at her blankly. "You are." I took another long stretch of silence. "But that doesn't change anything. That's exactly how I feel, I should be dead along with them. And it's true."

She shook her head. "It's not. You're alive for a reason, everyone is. If you survived that experience of being separated, there has to be a reason behind it." I involuntarily let out a sigh.

"Right, I'm alive. I can't do anything though. If it took me multiple weeks and a random battle where I almost broke my ribs to even walk a foot out of that town, what can I do in the grand scheme of things? Nothing." I spoke concisely, there wasn't any room for interjection in my mind. "I'm not mentally sound, nor do I have any kind of talent for fighting as you suggest. I have no idea what I'm even doing at this camp, the only reason I'm here is because I was persuaded by you, with a goal, which I still don't have. All this is for me is an occupation so I don't lose my mind. I can't do anything to help anyone, or myself for that matter. My death date should have already been decided, I may as well be a useless vessel until the day I get attacked, and follow my family's trial, to get murdered and rot away in a random shack."

I closed my eyes, one of my forepaws twitching a little. Hopefully I got my point across… and she'll leave me be.

I felt a light breeze of wind, followed by a loud snap, and a burning pressure on the side of my face, my body slumping to the ground a sliding a few feet over. I opened my eyes and brought my right forepaw to my head, rubbing the portion that was just impacted by a ribbon from Crescent. She walked over to me, leaning right above me, an inch away from my face.

"And who says you're useless? That you can't do anything? That you're not talented? That you should have died? That you can't help yourself? Who?" She stomped on my chest with her paw forcefully, causing me to cough again, along with a new ache. "It's you. You're the one telling yourself all of that. Nobody else. You're the roadblock in your life. Getting better after something like this isn't easy, but it's not even going to be possible if you don't do anything about it. It's an effort you need to make, you need to stop all that, you need to stop doubting your abilities, you need to give yourself confidence, you need to stop moping around, you need to do something, anything other than assume everything is over and your life doesn't mean a damn thing!" Crescent's voice got louder and louder with each word, as I was firmly pinned to the ground. "The only time you're useless is right now, when you're acting like this, like your world is over. Like you can't do anything with your life. It's idiotic. You're alive, you have a life to live, be thankful for that, and use it to the best of your ability. Don't assume it's over because you think you should be dead, accept that you're alive and do something other than say over and over that you should be dead!"

I laid motionless under her grip, not like I would be able to move even if I had the will to try. "Why are you saying all of this..? Why are you trying to help me?" I asked in a monotone voice. As far as anyone was concerned, I should look like a lost cause, as I thought I was. And yet, here Crescent is, taking things so far as to pin me to the ground and yell at me, trying to push her thoughts into my head.

"I'm trying to help you because I'm not heartless you idiot." She slapped me with a ribbon again, albeit lighter than last time. "You're screwed up in the head right now, but not too far gone. You can get help, you just need to provide it to yourself first. You need to be able to believe things can get better before anyone can show you."

I ended up closing my eyes again. "How can I just… believe that the same won't happen to me? And that I should be alive?"

"You won't be able to just do it immediately, it'll probably take some time, but sitting here and talking like that, at this rate, you'll regress into the state you were in before. Even if both of which are crappy, it's better you stay distracted with something to do, rather than ebb away in an orphanage by yourself." She shook her head and sighed. "I can't stand watching pokemon like you slowly die… It's sad to see, and it hurts that I can never do anything about it. I don't care about your survivor's guilt, watching you deteriorate into a shell that dies a pointless death isn't going to happen if I can help it."

We stayed in the same position for a bit, staring one another down. A long time passed, and no words were spoken, not until I was able to take a breath and relax myself from how tense I was before.

"Okay." Is all that came to my mind. "If you want to involve yourself, then I'll try."

I saw her draw a small smile and nod. Something in me told me to resist, to keep on harping on the past, to keep my ideology that I should be dead, but I knew what that would cause. Nothing good.

Maybe… I might be able to get better… Maybe…

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