Chapter 4: Drowning in Destiny

The moon danced across the water's surface. Danced was an adequate term. It was like a waltz between the sea and the moon, the reflection a harmony spurred on by the music of the lapping waves. The moon had barely risen. In less than an hour, it would be brighter, higher, and the dancing more playful. The temperature would drop a few degrees and the wind would blow and the night would call to him, like it did every night for years.

He would close his eyes and swear he could hear voices in the wind, calling to him. He felt it. All around him. In the sand beneath him and the water lapping at his toes. That's all of him that had ever touched the ocean. Fear kept him confined to the beach. It wasn't even his fear! And he barely remembered a time before the fear. But he remembered when it started.

He'd been 7 when his aunt told him. He could barely remember before her. He tried. But it was like a fairy tale, like a story someone told him about his life. It was like it was someone else's life, like it didn't belong to him. He'd been 7 when his aunt told him his parents were never coming back, that they were dead. He'd been sitting on the couch, clutching his baby brother, and she'd been in tears.

"They aren't coming back!" She sobbed. "They're dead! Eaten by sharks!"

And he just stared. He was too young to comprehend what that meant.

She grew hysterical then and knelt down in front of him. She grabbed his arms as the baby started crying. "Sharks, Zach! Sharks killed your parents! Ripped them to pieces! And your baby sister, too!" She'd shrieked. "Promised me, Zach! You'll never go into the ocean! Ever! Promise me!"

"I promise." His voice shook as he made the promise.

He didn't understand then. He still didn't understand. But he didn't blame her. That he did understand now. She had been young, not much older than he was now, and she was suddenly a full time parent. She had zero skills. She wasn't motherly or loving, not in a way a parent should be, not in the way Zach dreamed his parents had been. He didn't remember them very well. But his aunt tried. He knew she did. She tried as best as she could. She just wasn't a parent. But at least she kept them. She didn't abandon them or throw them into the foster care system where they would have been split up. At least Zach had his little brother.

Zach had practically raised Gray. Claire tried, but Gray just never took to her. He cried every time she tried to hold him. It got a little better as he got older. He would talk to her once he learned how and he always listened to her. He did what she asked. But Gray still went to Zach for everything and asked for his older brother when he was sick or hurt. He asked Zach for permission for things and for help. Zach never minded. Gray only knew Zach. He had no sense of loss over the parents he never knew. Zach filled the empty void he never let himself feel with Gray. Gray became his whole life, his child. Zach stopped being a brother the moment his parents died and became a parent himself, mother and father to his little brother.

Aunt Claire tried. She really did. And Zach never resented her for how she raised them. She kept food in the kitchen and a roof over their heads. And she did love them, in her own way. And it was enough. That's what really mattered. It was enough for Zach and Gray was all he needed.

Except for the voice that called to him all the fucking time!

He had a love hate relationship with the water. It had ruined his life, taken away the parents he couldn't remember and that Gray never knew. But also, there was just something about it. About the ocean that stretched out before him. He didn't know what. He didn't understand it. He'd never been in the water, in the ocean before. Never on a boat or swimming or diving or snorkeling. Nothing. And yet, it still called to him. He'd swum on land, in pools. He thought that might help quell the ocean's voice. It didn't really. It was different, the pool water full of chlorine that burned his eyes and made his skin itch. It helped to satiate the voice sometimes, for a little while. It seemed to quiet a bit. And it helped his heart hurt less.

He joined the swim team in middle school and had been in it ever since. Right from the start, he was the best. He held his breath the longest, swam the fastest, and had the best endurance. He won everything he ever entered. His bedroom walls were covered in ribbons, plaques, and trophies. Some had started to migrate into the hall and aunt Claire's office. Zach even thought Gray had stolen a few, saying he was so proud of his big brother-parent and wanted to display the awards with his own.

Gray wasn't athletic. He was far from it. He tried as best as he could during school board mandated gym classes. He knew all the rules to all the games. But the moment he picked up the bat or caught the ball or went to kick, uncoordinated Gray showed up and he just fumbled everything. But Gray was good at other things. He had an eidetic memory and could remember pretty much everything and anything. Facts like certain species of fish that when in a single gendered school, the oldest and largest will change gender; clownfish, gobies, moray eels, and wrasses. Or that certain vertebrate species can reproduce by parthenogenesis; lizards, snakes, birds, and sharks. Or that the longest dinosaur name was Micropachycephalosaurus and the shortest was Minmi. Stuff other people called useless and other kids made fun of him for. Gray didn't always pick up on those social cues. He didn't know when to shut up and just kept talking until he alienated everyone around him. Gray rattled off fact after fact and Zach couldn't help but think the kid could put the Snapple bottle cap writers out of business.

Gray tested out of every class he was ever put into and he had a tendency to correct teachers or other authority figures. He didn't understand that doing so was rude, that there was a time, place, and gentle way to go about correcting, if it was necessary. And it wasn't by writing a 10 page report on it and presenting it to the whole class in front of the offending teacher. Claire tried to explain it to him but Gray just couldn't process it. Zach shrugged, hugged him tightly, and told Gray just to be himself and that he would always be there for him. Forever. They would always have each other, no matter what happened.

Zach sighed deeply and closed his eyes for a moment. The voice was there still, beckoning him into the water. The pull had slowly gotten louder and worse over the last few years. The first time he'd felt it, he was 13. He thought maybe there had always been a feeling. But he'd always thought it was the fear that had been instilled in him since his parents death. But sometime around when he hit puberty, the pull changed. It went from fear to wonder and then to longing. It was getting harder and harder to deny this weird voice that called to him and the longing to answer.

Zach pushed his fingers and toes deeper into the sand and bit his lip, trying to distract himself. That night, it had been exceptionally strong and loud. So much so, that he'd gotten out of bed and walked, barefoot and in his pajamas, to the restricted part of the beach. It was a known breeding ground for the sea turtles and was off limits to the guests. But Zach was careful as he stepped across the sand. He kept his eyes down, looking for signs of hatchlings before each step. He breathed out and opened his eyes slowly. The moon was higher now. He had no clue how long he'd been out there. He'd gone to bed early because he was feeling restless. And then the next thing he knew, he was there, out on the beach. Zach turned and glanced at the resort buildings behind him.

Claire had moved after their parents' death. At the time, she kept saying it was just easier to uproot herself than her nephews. Everything was left to her. She owned the house and the boys. So she got a job at the same resort that her brother-in-law Scott had worked at. Claire wasn't good at parenting. What she was good at was all aspects of business. A few advertising and cost cutting ideas got her promoted rather fast. Then new ideas and attractions and she was running the place before she was 30.

It was almost funny, the idea of her running a vacation resort on the beach. Zach always got the feeling her blatant hatred of the ocean came from more than just the death of his parents. Although, of course, that was reason enough. He just always felt that there was more to it. But he never asked and he never would. For the most part, Zach thought she was happy despite her life turning out nothing like she imagined it. He thought, at least. Sometimes it was hard to tell with her. The last few years, she'd started spending more time at work instead of at home. Gray didn't need as much supervision as he used to and Zach never really did. Work made Claire happy. Of that, Zach was certain. Work and her assistant, Zara.

Zach knew his aunt was dating her assistant. Claire had never kept her sexuality a secret from the brothers. She explained to them that love was love and it didn't matter who you loved. And she just happened to love her assistant. Zara was nice enough. The few times he'd met her, she and Claire would lapse into business talk. It was hard to imagine Claire relaxing enough to date anyone. But Zach wouldn't judge. Maybe Zara was into stuffy business women. Or maybe she was able to get his aunt to actually relax and turn off business mode.

Zach knew he was gay from the moment she explained what it was. From the moment she explained that mommies and daddies had babies together and that's where babies come from. But sometimes, babies had two mommies or two daddies and those parents used doctors to help make the babies. He was 5 when she explained it. Mommy had just told him she was pregnant and he was going to have a baby brother. But Zach was confused and didn't know what that meant. He asked but his parents both just smiled and said when he was older, they would tell him. So when aunt Claire came to babysit him, he asked her. And she told him. She even pulled out mommy's old pregnancy books and showed Zach diagrams of growing babies inside mommy bellies. She pointed to the one that she said showed how big his baby brother was. Then she held up her hands and showed with her fingers how big the baby was. And then she promptly explained in more detail about being gay.

Zach smiled as he remembered. It was silly to be so certain when he was so young. He knew that now. He wasn't even sure why he was certain. Maybe some weird way to try to connect with the aunt he hardly ever saw back then. But still, he'd been sure, for whatever reason.

"I'm gay." He'd told her one morning, after putting Gray down to sleep. "I like boys."

She laughed and ruffled his hair. "You're 9. You're too young to know."

He told her again when he was 13. "I'm sure now, aunt Claire!" He insisted loudly. "I kissed Jake and I liked it and he's my boyfriend and can I be gay now?"

She hugged him tightly. And then gave him a very detailed sex talk.

Zach shivered as he remembered the talk. It had been very detailed and included a trip to the adult store because she said a banana just wouldn't do. Props were purchased and when they got back home, the lesson continued with many very detailed demonstrations. Then he made it all the more worse by asking how she knew so much if she was a lesbian. Which prompted her to tell him how she dated and experimented with a few guys. And then she suggested Zach should do the same with a few girls just to be certain. Respectfully, of course. And the lessons turned towards female aspects.

Zach suppressed a second shiver and rubbed at his arms. The breeze had started to pick up again and the temperature had cooled a few degrees. He glanced up at the moon again and it was higher. It was later and he still had no sense of how much time he'd been there. He stood up suddenly and quickly and sucked in a breath. The feeling was stronger again, like a physical pull. He turned his back to the water. He had to force himself to do so and he swore he felt a dull pain radiate through him, starting in his heart. He clutched at his chest and struggled to breath for a moment. He closed his eyes and sucked in several breaths. It was silly! It was so silly! He couldn't believe he was acting so dramatic!

And just like that, the pain was gone. He breathed out and straightened up. He tried to push all thoughts of the sea from his mind. He really needed to get back. He had no clue how late it was and he needed to attempt to get some amount of sleep. Any amount of sleep. He was pretty sure he worked tomorrow afternoon. He needed to check his phone to be sure. And he'd left it plugged in on his nightstand beside his bed. Something he'd never done before. He'd graduated high school a month ago and aunt Claire had gotten him a job as a bell boy at the hotel. It wasn't glamorous, but it was easy and the tips were nice. It would work for a while until he decided what he wanted to do with his life. He really had very little ambition when it came to schooling of any sort. He'd leave the college life to his little brother. He'd probably end up following Gray wherever he went anyways. Gray would get into some great school, Zach was sure. He would probably test out of high school, like half the grades he already had, and would leave for college early. Zach would petition for real guardianship of Gray and go with him. Gray would be too young to live in any dorms. He'd need a legal guardian wherever he ended up. Zach had mentioned it to Claire once, about a year ago. She'd smiled sadly, nodded her head, and promised to help with the process.

Zach shook his head and pushed those thoughts away as well. His mind was made up. He was going home and climbing back into bed and forgetting any of this had happened. He lifted a foot and took a step. Then another. His steps were small and slow and he had to force himself along. He kept reminding himself in his head that he had a job and he had to be responsible. And that meant going back home and getting sleep.

And then he stopped and looked back. He had no clue why he looked back. His eyes settled on the water again and he sucked in a breath. Then he just stood there as several more long minutes ticked by. It was just ridiculous! It was ridiculous that he was rooted to the spot and couldn't return home! It was also ridiculous that he couldn't just go for a measly short swim in the water! Just a couple minutes. Aunt Claire wouldn't have to know. He wouldn't tell her and there was no one out on the restricted beach to see him. He could just take off his pajamas and slip into the water. It was dark out and there was no one around to see him. He turned back to the water and breathed in deeply. He could smell the salt in the air and he felt his skin tingle. It was odd how fast his thoughts went from returning home to sneaking a swim. But the thought didn't occur to him. He suddenly had one track on his mind.

He had to swim in the ocean.

Just once.

And he had to do it right now!

The second that thought slipped into his head, Zach lost all control of himself. He had no conscious thought. He was just simply running towards the water with all his energy. Sand sprayed everywhere as his bare feet slipped and scraped across it. He stumbled for a moment and pain shot through him as something cut into the soft tissue of his foot. But he hardly spared a second. A broken shell or glass or something. He didn't care. A little cut wouldn't stop him. Besides, it didn't hurt that much and wasn't salt water good for cuts anyways? But he really had no awareness of anything around him but the ocean. Not until his feet touched the water. Even then, he didn't stop. He kept going until he was fully submerged. His oversized pajamas were soaked in seconds and made it a little hard to swim properly. He flailed for a moment before chucking it off. Then he wiggled out of the pants and dunked under the water. It felt great against his skin. His whole body tingled from the sensation.

He swam a few meters from the shore and stopped. That was enough. He'd finally swam in the ocean, breaking his promise to his aunt. Now just to turn around and…

He felt the waves pull at him. The sea... is calling... to me...

Just a little further out couldn't hurt. Just a few more minutes. A smile lit up his face as he flipped over on his back and floated. His eyes searched the sky, picking out all of the stars. It was so peaceful, so serene. He had no clue why aunt Claire hated it so much. There had to be something more than just his parents' deaths, hadn't there? People died in cars and planes every day and yet she still drove and traveled when needed. Shark related deaths were almost 1 in 4 million. He looked it up. He was more likely to die in some stupid way like getting struck by lightning or in a fireworks explosion than he was getting killed by a shark. Bicycle related deaths outweighed shark ones by 1,072 times in the last few decades. People were 33 times more likely to get attacked and killed by regular dogs than sharks.

Hell, in the ocean he was 3000 times more likely to drown than get eaten by a shark! So really, aunt Claire's fears of being eaten by sharks were just ridiculous! Zach closed his eyes for a moment, relishing in the way the water kept him afloat. He felt as if it was holding him up, like it was literally cradling him in an embrace. A few minutes ticked by. And then, a large clap thundered through the sky. Zach's eyes snapped open. The moon and stars were gone, covered by thick clouds. Zach faltered and flailed for a moment. He swallowed and his eyes widened.

The storm came out of nowhere. Suddenly, rain was pouring and the waves rocked him. Zach turned in the water and looked back at the shore. He was much farther out than he thought. He tried to swim but a sudden wave of water crashed over him and a current pulled him under. He surfaced long enough to cough out a mouthful of salty water before he was pulled under a second time. His lungs burned as he fought back every impulse to open his mouth. There was no way he was drowning the first time he was in the ocean! Zach kicked and thrashed with all his energy. He put everything he had into trying to get back to the surface.

And then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tail.

A finned tail.

The caudal fin of a shark.