Up All Knight
Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and I'm bringing you another hilarious chapter of Up All Knight with Chad Knight. Well, this story has got two reviews and a couple of people favorited and followed the story and I hope that you all enjoy the hilarious new chapter and it's going to be a great one. Today, Chad Knight takes a look at one of the most technically impressive movies of it's time. It's a movie that has Arnold Schwarzenegger, gunfire and explosions… and three boobied women. And the movie I'm talking about is Total Recall. The 1990 version, not that crappy Colin Farrell remake from 2012. So sit back, relax and grab a cold one, this is the new chapter of Up All Knight with Chad Knight. Enjoy.
P.S.: I do not own anything involved in this story. All rights belong to their respective sources. Total Recall is owned by Studio Canal, Carolco Pictures, Inc. and TriStar Pictures.
Episode Two
Total Recall
We open with Chad Knight sitting in his chair in his office as he sips his glass of iced tea before he starts his introduction. "Hello and welcome back to Up All Knight. I am your host Chad Knight. Folks, let me tell you about a little movie studio known as Carolco Pictures."
(The Carolco Pictures logo is shown with clips from movies like Rambo: First Blood Part II, Red Heat, Universal Soldier, Basic Instinct, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Cliffhanger and Cutthroat Island are shown)
Chad: (Narrating) Carolco Pictures was an American independent motion picture company that was best known for producing blockbuster movies with films like Rambo: First Blood Part II, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Basic Instinct and Stargate.
"And let's not forget the box-office bomb that literally made the company go bankrupt, Cutthroat Island." Dexter said.
"Ugh, did you have to mention that movie? I thought that we weren't going to mention it." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) But we're not talking about those movies. Today, we're going to take a look at blockbuster hit that was released thirty years ago.
"And of course, I'm talking about Total Recall." Chad said.
"The 1990 version with Arnold Schwarzenegger or the 2012 version with Colin Farrell?" Dexter asked.
"The 1990 version, of course. It remains superior by all means." Chad said.
(Clips from the movie are shown)
Chad: (Narrating) Released in theaters on June 1st, 1990. Total Recall was based on a short story by the late Phillip K. Dick called "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale". The movie tells the story about a construction worker who lives a boring life who finds himself caught up in a deadly game of espionage on Mars and wonders if it's for real or if it's a dream. Originally, Dino De Laurentiis was attached to produce the movie but because of a certain David Lynch movie that flopped in the box-office, he lost interest and plus his production company DeLaurentiis Entertainment Group was failing. This provided an opening for Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was working on another film that was produced by DEG called Raw Deal. He persuaded Carolco to buy the rights for the movie. The film was directed by Dutch director Paul Verhoeven, who just came off from directing RoboCop back in 1987.
"Since it's a Paul Verhoeven movie, you know that the violence is going to be over the top like in RoboCop." Chad said.
"You know it is." Dexter said. "Before the review starts, this movie will contain dreams of Mars, Schwarzenegger one-liners, aliens with three boobs and death by suffocation on the Mars surface."
"Thank you, my good man. Submitted for your approval, Up All Knight presents Total Recall. Roll it." Chad said.
(The movie begins with the movie company logos at the start of the movie: We see the logos Paramount, Studio Canal, TriStar Pictures and Carolco)
Chad: (Narrating) Wait a minute, I thought that this movie was by Carolco, not Paramount Pictures. Why the hell are they producing this movie?
"Well, when they showed the movie on television, it was distributed by Paramount Pictures. It was also distributed by Worldvision Enterprises on syndication." Dexter said.
"Oh, well, that's good to know. Why didn't you tell me that before?!" Chad asked.
"I just want to screw with you." Dexter chuckled.
"Ugh! Let's move on." Chad said.
(The opening credits are shown)
Chad: (Narrating) And we get our opening credits, which looks like the main titles for Superman are melting. Aside from the opening credits looking awesome, we are treated with Jerry Goldsmith's amazing music score.
(We hear the theme music composed by Jerry Goldsmith playing during the opening credits)
"Hey, Jerry Goldsmith is the master of music. Both him and John Williams are the masters." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Hey, wait. Michael Ironside is in this movie? You know it's a good sign when Sam Fisher is in your movie. After the opening credits, we open up on Mars, where we see Douglas Quaid played by Arnold Schwarzenegger walking along the red dunes of Mars with a smoking hot brunette. And is it just me or does Mars look entirely too red or is it because it turned into Virtual Boy?
"We already used that Virtual Boy joke in the Mask of the Phantasm review, no need to use that joke again." Dexter said.
"Hey, it wouldn't hurt to use it again." Chad said.
(The Virtual Boy commercial from 1995 is shown)
Announcer: It needs your eyes.
"Goddamn it, Chad." Dexter said.
(Quaid, who's in a spacesuit, slips on a patch of loose dirt and tumbles down, cracking his faceplate on the rock and his eyes begin to bulge and his tongue starts to swell as he yells)
"That's Chad's reaction when he heard that Kanye West was running for president." Dexter said.
"Shut up, Dexter. That idiot dropped out of the campaign. Biden for the win." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) This turns out to be a dream about Mars, as Quaid wakes up next to his wife Lori, played by Sharon Stone. And no, she's not going to flash her vagina on this movie. Just wait two years for Basic Instinct. Or when I review that movie. Boy, it's gonna be a lot of black bars I'm gonna put on this review.
Lori (Played by Sharon Stone) Doug, is it about Mars?
(Quaid nods as Lori kisses him)
Lori: Is that better?
"Boy, I wish I could wake up in bed with Sharon Stone. But my dream consists of waking up in bed with Hannah and Ashley Benson, with Ashley Benson making out with Hannah in front of me. But it turns out to be a dream and I wake up next to Hannah." Chad said.
"Hey, we all wish that our girlfriend could make out with Hanna Marin from Pretty Little Liars. She used to date Cara Delevigne." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, Quaid's wife tends to get jealous of a dream. If you let your significant other know that she's the only girl of your dreams, you get treated with some morning sex to help drain your morning wood. After morning sex with his wife, Quaid is about to have a nutritious breakfast when he watches a news report about Mars and we see how violent the news gets.
(Quaid is watching a news report about Mars on his television. We see a group of terrorists getting shot by some soldiers)
Newscaster (Played by Paula McClure): Kuato and his so-called freedom brigade claimed credit for this latest bombing, which attempted to reopen the sealed-off Pyramid Mines.
(Another terrorist gets gunned down by another soldier)
"And this is why I avoid watching the news. That and hearing our so-called idiot President talk." Dexter said.
Quaid (Played by Arnold Schwarzenegger): Lori.
Lori: Doug?
Quaid: Let's do it.
"Oh, hell yeah. Now we're talking." Chad said, grinning as he prepares to take off his red polo shirt.
Lori: Do what?
Quaid: Move to Mars.
"Shit." Chad said, pouting a bit as he moves his hands away from his shirt.
"Why would he want to move to Mars? You have terrorists blowing up shit and people getting gunned down. It's not exactly a trip to Disneyland. Plus, it's too red." Dexter said.
(Another clip from the Virtual Boy commercial is shown)
Announcer: It came from the third dimension with it's own brain, it's own voice…
"Knock it off!" Dexter exclaimed.
"Hey, you said it was too red. So, there." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Quaid's life is pretty hunky dory, as we see him on his way to work and he gets to walk through one of those cool x-ray scanners.
"We need those. Plus, I sooooooo totally want one in my house." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Quaid sees a commercial that catches his eye. An ad for a memory implantation service known as Rekall, which can provide you with whatever crazy thing you want without actually doing it. Of course, when he brings this up to Detective Bullock, he gives him some advice.
Harry (Played by Robert Costanzo): A friend of mine tried one of their special offers, nearly got himself lobotomized.
Quaid: No shit?
Harry: Don't fuck with your brain, pal. It ain't worth it.
Quaid: I guess not.
(Quaid keeps jackhammering while Harry gives him a weird look)
"Hmm, there's something odd about that guy." Chad said after noticing the look on Harry's face. "Why do I think that he's up to no good?"
"Maybe that or maybe he's irritated about a certain masked vigilante interfering with police business." Dexter said.
(A clip from Batman: The Animated Series is shown)
Detective Harvey Bullock (Voiced by Robert Costanzo): Give it up now! (Pushes Batman)
(Batman pushes Detective Bullock back)
Chad: (Narrating) Hey, to hell with what Lori and Harry said thinking about Mars, Quaid's going there anyway, by visiting Rekall. He has an appointment with Bob McClane, played by Ray Baker, and he has the special vacation package for him.
McClane (Played by Ray Baker): To be perfectly honest with you, Doug, if outer space is your thing, I think you would be much happier with one of our Saturn cruises. Everybody raves about them.
Quaid: No, I'm not interested in Saturn. I said Mars.
McClane: Okay, you're the boss.
"Yeah, I don't think he wants Quaid to turn him into a bloody pulp. He'll just give the man what he wants without getting killed." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, McClane decides to give Quaid a little upgrade on his Mars experience, which is the Ego Trip, where he remembers his trip as someone else, so Quaid chooses the secret agent option. Looks like the most awesome option ever, so they prepare his memory implant.
Dr. Lull (Played by Rosemary Dunsmore): I'll be asking you some questions, Doug, so we can fine-tune the Ego program. You answer honestly, you'll enjoy yourself a whole lot more. Your sexual orientation.
"Bi." Chad said. "Oh, wait. That's for my girlfriend. I'm straight. Hannah's bisexual. She did have an experience with another girl."
"Did you film it when you watched Hannah and the other girl?" Dexter asked.
"No, it's none of your business." Chad said.
(Dr. Lull shows Quaid some women on the television screen)
Dr. Lull: So how do you like your women?
"Cute and perky like Kiara Cole." Dexter said.
Dr. Lull: Blonde? Brunette? Redhead?
Quaid: Brunette.
"Damn. I guess you're going for Riley Reid then?" Dexter asked.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Quaid constructs the perfect woman, and it's a damn good accuracy. And then its off to dreamland for him.
"Oh, I'm sure nothing bad will happen." Chad said.
"Cue the Arnold noises in 3… 2... 1…" Dexter said while looking at his watch.
(Quaid is growling at the techs who are trying to calm him down while he's strapped to the chair)
Quaid: (Kicks Ernie off of him) Get off, you! You blew my cover!
"You know, I just love watching a Schwarzenegger movie just to hear him make those noises." Chad said, laughing.
Quaid: They'll be here any minute! They'll kill you all!
McClane: What the hell is he talking about?
Dr. Lull: I don't know.
Quaid: Let me go!
McClane: Mr. Quaid, try to calm down!
(Quaid breaks free and grabs McClane by his throat)
Quaid: My name is not Quaid.
"You know, he's right. Originally in the book "We Can Remember It for You Wholesale", Douglas Quaid's name was "Douglas Quail". Just a little fun fact." Chad said.
"You and your fun facts. Are you sure that he's not related to Dan Quayle?" Dexter asked.
"Unlike Dan Quayle, Quaid can spell "potato" correctly." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) But the doctors manage to calm Quaid down is by pumping his leg full of tranquilizer. And I believe that's enough tranquilizer that will put Stanley from The Office in a coma, but that doesn't concern McClane.
McClane: He's just acting out the secret-agent portion of his Ego Trip.
Dr. Lull: I'm afraid that's not possible.
McClane: Why not?
Dr. Lull: Because we haven't implanted it yet!
"And this goes to show that everyone at Rekall are a bunch of idiots. Nice work there, guys." Dexter said.
Dr. Lull: Someone has erased his memory.
Ernie: Excuse me. "Someone"? I mean, we're talking about the fucking Agency.
Dr. Lull: Shut up!
(Dr. Lull slaps Ernie)
"Agency? Are they talking about the CIA?" Chad asked.
"I don't know. Maybe somebody at Rekall erased his memory. Also, I couldn't help but find it funny that Dr. Lull slapped Ernie in the face. Also, let's not forget that Quaid was in fact a secret agent on Mars." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) So, what do they do? They erase his memories and dump him in a Johnny Cab with no recollection to what the hell happened and how he ended up in a cab.
Quaid: Where am I?
Johnny Cab (Voiced by Robert Picardo): You're in a Johnnycab.
Quaid: I mean, what am I doing here?
Johnny Cab: I'm sorry, would you please rephrase the question?
Quaid: How did I get in this taxi?
Johnny Cab: The door opened. You got in.
"Seems logical enough. Also, points to having the robot voiced by Robert Picardo. For those of you who aren't hardcore Star Trek fanboys like me, he played the Doctor in Star Trek: Voyager." Chad said.
"Yay! Robert Picardo!" Dexter cheered. "Let's not forget that he appeared in a couple of Joe Dante's movies back in the 80s and 90s. I can name a few. There's Explorers, Innerspace. He was terrific as The Cowboy. The 'Burbs, Gremlins 2: The New Batch, Matinee. I could go on and on."
Chad: (Narrating) After getting dropped off by the Johnnycab, Quaid gets waylaid by Detective Bullock and a bunch of hired goons.
(A clip from The Simpsons is shown)
Homer Simpson (Voiced by Dan Castellaneta): Hired goons?
(He opens the door and gets taken out of the house by two hired goons)
Chad: (Narrating) And it looks like that he wants Quaid dead for blabbing about Mars.
Quaid: Harry, you're making a big mistake. You got me mixed up with somebody else.
Harry: Uh-uh, pal. You got yourself mixed up with somebody else.
(Quaid fights off Harry and the goons. We see Quaid breaking Harry's neck, then he breaks another goon's neck. One goon reaches for the gun and tries to kill Quaid. Quaid grabs the man and shoots him, then he shoots the last guy after he charges for him)
"And the body count has started. So, that makes it four guys that Arnold has killed in this movie." Chad said.
"You're not going to do the Arnold Kill Count for this movie, are you?" Dexter asked.
"Indeed, I am. Starting now." Chad said.
Arnold Kill Count: 4
"Christ." Dexter groaned.
Chad: (Narrating) A freaked out Quaid heads home and tells Lori how Harry went crazy and people are talking about how he's been to Mars but he can't remember and everyone is out to kill him, but Lori doesn't believe any of this.
Lori: Listen to me, sweetheart. Those assholes at Rekall have fucked up your mind. You're having paranoid delusions.
Quaid: (Shows Lori the blood on his hands) You call this a delusion?
"You see the blood, sweetie? These hand ain't been soaking in Ivory liquid!" Chad said.
"You and you Seinfeld references." Dexter said.
"What? It's a good show. I gotta throw in my Seinfeld references in one of my reviews." Chad said.
Lori: Doug, I'm gonna call a doctor.
Quaid: Don't! Don't call anybody!
(Coming onto the vidphone is Richter)
Richter (Played by Michael Ironside): Hello.
"Oh, hello Sam Fisher. Nice to see you." Dexter said.
"You know, I would love to have a vidphone in my home. But, what if somebody tries to call me at the wrong time while I'm getting busy with my girlfriend?" Chad asked.
(Cutaway Gag Starts)
(We see Chad and Hannah in bed making love. Chad is on top of Hannah, kissing her passionately as Sean appears on the vidphone in his bedroom)
Sean: Hey, Chad!
(Chad and Hannah stop what they're doing)
Hannah: Oh, my God!
Chad: What the? Sean, what the hell are you doing? Can't you see that Hannah and I are in the middle of something.
Sean: I know that. I just wanted to call you for something.
Chad: Really? What is it?
Sean: Well, I'm working on The Rise of Skywalker review for The Summer of Disney. And I know that you're a hardcore Trekkie fan, but I was wondering if you could join me and Brian for the review.
Chad: Yes, that's fine. Now, could you please end the call so I could have sex with Hannah?
Sean: Oh, I didn't know that you and Hannah were in the middle of something. Sure that you don't need any help? Because I know some great positions that I use on Taylor…
Hannah: Chad! End the call!
Sean: Wait, don't end the ca…
(Chad ends the call)
Chad: Right, where were we?
Hannah: I believe that we were at something like this.
(Hannah throws the covers over her and Chad)
Chad: Oh, mama!
(Cutaway Gag Ends)
Chad: (Narrating) After washing the blood off of his hands, Quaid steps out of the bathroom only to find a shadowy figure shooting at him. Quaid tackles the armed assailant and we soon find out who the shooter is.
(Quaid has the shooter in his arms and turns the lights on, revealing Lori)
Quaid: Lori?
(Lori elbows Quaid in the stomach, then hits him in the crotch. She continues to attack Quaid with a few kicks. Quaid blocks her, but he ends up getting kicked in the crotch by her)
"Ooh, Jesus! It's not every day that you see somebody getting hit in the dick twice." Chad said, cringing a bit.
"Hey, it's a Paul Verhoeven film, somebody's expecting to get hit in the dick. Take a look at the last guy in his movie." Dexter said.
(A clip from RoboCop is shown as we see RoboCop shooting a rapist in the crotch)
(Lori reaches for a knife in the kitchen sink)
Quaid: Why are you doing this, Lori?
(Lori slashes Quaid in the chest with the knife and tries to attack him with it)
"And let's be glad that it's not an ice pick that Sharon Stone is wielding. Now, that would be brutal." Chad said, referencing the 1992 movie Basic Instinct.
Chad: (Narrating) However, Quaid gets the upper hand on Lori and he demands answers from her.
Quaid: (Holds Lori at gunpoint) I said, talk!
Lori: I'm not your wife.
Quaid: The hell you're not.
Lori: I swear to God, I never saw you before six weeks ago. Our marriage is just a memory implant.
Quaid: You think I'm stupid? Remember our wedding?
Lori: It was implanted by the Agency.
Quaid: Falling in love?
Lori: Implanted.
Quaid: Our friends, my job, eight years together, I suppose all of this was implanted, too?
Lori: The job's real. The Agency set it up.
Quaid: (Let's Lori go) Bullshit!
"That's exactly how I reacted to the final episode of Dexter." Chad said.
Lori: They erased your identity and implanted a new one. I was written in as your wife so that I could watch you and make sure the erasure took. Sorry, Quaid, your whole life is just a dream.
(The Curb Your Enthusiasm theme plays as it cuts to Quaid and freezes on him. Then, the end credits to Curb Your Enthusiasm are shown)
Chad: (Narrating) So yeah, Lori was just an Agency plant to keep an eye on Quaid and make sure that he doesn't know nothing and not that she did enjoy her work as she would keep him for a little bit with some sex. But she was just buying some time for the Agency goons to show up and deal with him.
Lori: You wouldn't shoot me, would you, Doug, after all we've been through?
Quaid: Some of it was fun.
(Quaid punches Lori in the face, knocking her out)
Quaid: (Grabs his jacket) Nice knowing you.
"Hey, I guess you can say that Sharon Stone was an absolute knockout back in the 80s and 90s." Chad said.
"Seriously? A bad pun? Who are you Danny Bonaduce?" Dexter asked.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid gets the hell out of there in time as Richter, played by Michael Ironside, arrives to check on Lori while Helm, played by Michael Champion, tracks down Quaid and where he's located. So now, it's time to go on the move and take him out. Oh, and also….
(Richter kisses Lori passionately)
"Turns out that Richter is Lori's real husband." Chad said.
"And seeing though that this is a character played by Michael Ironside and the fact that she's married to him, chances are that Arnold is going to be a dead man before he lives to make Terminator 2: Judgment Day." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Richter and the Agency goons keep the chase going and while Quaid is on the run, he forgets about those cool-looking scanners because he's dumb enough to carry a gun with him.
(Quaid jumps through the X-Ray scanner)
"Fun fact: this was the first major motion picture to utilize CGI effects shots and this was for the X-Ray scanner scene right here. Everything else was miniatures, puppets and other kinds of traditional effects." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, this isn't a Schwarzenegger movie unless the body count rises and for me to get the Arnold Kill Count counter moving. So, the Agency guys arrive and we get the most bloodiest shootout ever.
(Four of the agents shoot at Quaid. One of the bystanders get hit as Quaid uses his body as a body shield, gunning down the agents)
Arnold Kill Count: 8
"Ah, don't you just love a good Paul Verhoeven movie and it's over-the-top violence and gore effects? We went from that to…" Chad said.
(A poster for the movie Showgirls is shown and a picture of Elizabeth Berkley as Nomi is shown as well)
"Oh, please God. No. Anything but seeing Elizabeth Berkley from Saved by the Bell making a complete fool of herself in that movie." Chad said, lowering his head down.
"Hey, at least we get to see Gina Gerson in the movie. And that's a good thing. I can only watch Gina Gerson's scenes in the movie." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid manages to make it to a subway car and escape his pursuers. Which pisses off Richter and he ends up getting his ass chewed up for losing him and trying to kill him by his boss Vilos Cohaagen, played by Ronny Cox.
Cohaagen (Played by Ronny Cox): Lori says he can't remember jack shit.
Richter: That's now. In an hour, he could have total recall.
"Boom, title drop!" Chad exclaimed.
Cohaagen: Listen to me, Richter. I want Quaid delivered alive for re-implantation. Have you got that? I want him back in place with Lori.
(Richter messes with the knob on his console, ending the call with static)
Cohaagen: Did you hear me?
"Uh, yeah. You said something about getting you a Double Whopper and a large fry from Burger King and you want a Diet Coke as well? I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Static, static. Something static." Dexter said, imitating Richter.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Richter and Helm find out where Quaid is at, so now it's off to kill him. Meanwhile, Quaid hides out in a motel room, only to be contacted by some random stranger who tells him that he's being tracked.
(Quaid tries to look for the tracker)
Stranger: Don't bother searching. The bug's in your skull.
(Quaid looks in the mirror while Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" starts playing)
Quaid: Who are you?
Stranger: Never mind. Wet a towel and wrap it around your head. That'll muffle the signal.
"A wet towel? Are you trying to screw with me here? I mean, how could this guy say it without laughing?" Chad asked.
"Yeah, it's like trying to tell him to wrap a towel around his head, put on clown make-up, wear a lacy nightie and sing Three Little Maids from School from The Mikado." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) So Quaid wets the towel and wrap it around his head, muffling the signal to keep Richter off his back and the mystery man leaves him a suitcase. Quaid goes out to grab the suitcase, but sees some old lady trying to take it and he fights her over it.
Quaid: Excuse me, ma'am, but this is mine.
Old Lady: I don't see your name on it.
Quaid: Someone left it for me.
Old Lady: Go find your own bag!
Quaid: Excuse me, ma'am, but I need it!
(Quaid snatches the suitcase from out of the old lady's hands)
Old Lady: Fuck you, you asshole!
(Quaid bows at the lady)
"Boy, such foul language coming from an old lady." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) But Quaid has a run-in with Richter and makes a run to the nearest Johnnycab.
Quaid: Drive. Drive!
Johnny Cab: Would you please repeat the destination?
Quaid: Well, anywhere! Just go! Go!
Johnny Cab: Please state the street and number.
Quaid: Shit. Shit!
Johnny Cab: I'm not familiar with that address. Would you please repeat…
(Quaid rips the robot out and takes control of the Johnny Cab)
"When you got Agency goons trying to kill you and the robot in the Johnny Cab couldn't get you to your destination, just rip him out and go Grand Theft Auto on his ass." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) It's funny how these self-driving taxis happen to be equipped with joysticks just in case the passenger feels the need to rip Johnny out of his stump and then an action scene ensues as Quaid escapes Richter and arrives at an old cement factory.
Johnny Cab: The fare is 18 credits, please.
Quaid: Sue me, dickhead.
(The robot shorts out and screams as the taxi drives itself at Quaid. Quaid jumps out of the way as the cab crashes into a wall and explodes)
"So, that's what it's like how robot taxis deal with unpaid fares in the future." Chad said.
"Hey, it's about the same as regular taxi drivers." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) While Quaid is busy hiding from the bad guys, he takes the time to check out what's inside the briefcase. What he gets is some Monopoly money, some fake IDs, some Sci-Fi metal gizmo and this spy watch with something that's way more cooler than a communicator, a hologram! But wait, there's more. He finds a message from himself on this large laptop.
Hauser: If things have gone wrong, I'm talking to myself, and you've got a wet towel wrapped around your head. Now, whatever your name is, get ready for the big surprise. You are not you. You're me.
Quaid: No shit.
"Wow, that's deep man." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Hauser explains to Quaid that he used to be an agent who worked for Cohaagen on Mars and that he met this really hot chick and that he's been playing for the wrong team. The problem is, that this recording is a contingency plan and things didn't go all that well. Which means if he's watching this, it means that Cohaagen got to him first. So, now it's all up to Doug. But first, he has to get a bug from out of his skull and that's where that weird metal device comes in.
Hauser: Take this thing out of the case and stick it up your nose. Don't worry. It's self-guiding.
(The device extends to reveal four sharp, thin metal claws)
Hauser: Just shove real hard.
(A clip from The Office is shown)
Dwight Schrute (Played by Rainn Wilson): That's what she said.
Michael Scott (Played by Steve Carell): Don't you dare.
"You just had to play that clip, did you?" Dexter asked.
"Yeah. And it was worth it." Chad said with a smile on his face.
(Quaid takes a deep breath and sticks the device in his nose)
Hauser: And when you hear the crunch, you're there.
(A sound clip from the Fruit Loops Cherry Berry Swirls commercial from 2000 is shown)
Toucan Sam: So I must follow my nose. Wherever it goes. To the flavors of fruit, wherever they grow!
(Quaid pulls the bug out of his nose)
"Okay, that effect of him getting rid of that bug from out of his nose looked silly aside from him making his signature noises." Chad said.
"That and plus, Hauser having that look of satisfaction on his face while Quaid is getting rid of the bug in his nose." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid manages to get the bug out of his head, leading Richter and the rest of the Agency goons to track his location. So, now it's time for him to leave.
Hauser: Now, this is the plan. Get your ass to Mars. Then go to the Hilton and flash that Brubaker ID at the desk. That's all there is to it. Just do what I tell you, and we can nail that son of a bitch who fucked you and me. I'm counting on you, buddy. Don't let me down.
"You know, it's bad enough that they made a song out of that one line from this movie." Chad said.
"What? You haven't heard the "Get Your Ass to Mars" remix?" Dexter asked.
"Don't! Don't play that!" Chad yelled out.
(A picture of Quaid and Lori is shown while a dubstep mix involving the phrase "Get Your Ass to Mars" plays)
Chad gives his best friend a disgusted look on his face while the song plays.
"You're a dead man." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) So after Quaid hightails it out of there and Richter and the Agency goons shoot up the place and Richter shooting at a rat in frustration, we cut to Mars and we follow this random fat lady checking in. Also, Richter and Helm arrive on Mars as Everett, played by Marc Alaimo from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, let's him know that Cohaagen wants to see him right away.
Richter: Any news of Quaid?
Everett (Played by Marc Alaimo): Not since you lost him.
Richter: Watch your mouth, Captain!
"I don't care if you played the best villain in the Star Trek franchise, I will end up kicking your ass." Chad said, imitating Richter.
"Dude, what is it with you recognizing people from Star Trek? Have you and Caleb the Sci-Fi Geek been binge watching Star Trek?" Dexter asked.
"Why is it any of your business?" Chad asked.
"Right. NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRDDDD!" Dexter yelled out while doing his impersonation of Homer Simpson.
Chad: (Narrating) But hey, there's nothing out of the ordinary going on in here. Looks like everything is normal.
Imigration Officer (Played by Ken Strausbaugh): Have you brought any fruits or vegetables onto the planet?
Fat Woman (Played by Pricilla Allen): Two weeks.
Imigration Officer: Excuse me?
Fat Woman: (Warbling) Two weeks. Two weeks.
(The woman starts to have some form of a seizure. Richter notices the commotion and recognizes Quaid)
Richter: Quaid. That's Quaid!
Everett: Where?
Richter: The woman! Get him. Her!
Everett: Arrest that woman!
Chad: (Narrating) But that fat woman turns out to be Quaid in disguise.
Quaid: (Smiles at the guards) Catch!
(He throws the head at the guards as one of them catches it and Quaid makes a run for it)
Fat Woman: Get ready for a surprise!
(The head explodes, killing seven of the guards)
Arnold Kill Count: 15
"And the body count continues." Chad said, smirking a bit.
"You and your Arnold kill counts." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) So, the shit literally hits the fan when Richter shoots out one of the windows, resulting in depressurization. They can only stop this by closing the emergency shutters to seal the area, which Quaid manages to quickly slip past Richter.
Richter: Open the goddamn door!
Everett: I can't!
Richter (Grabs Everett) Open it!
Everett: They're all connected!
(Both Everett and Richter give each other a mean staredown)
"Wow, talk about the most awkwardly intense argument between Sam Fisher and Gul Dukat. I was expecting Ironside to kill Marc Alaimo Sam Fisher-style." Chad said.
"Oh, yeah. That reminds me. Chad, we have cut to commercial." Dexter said.
"What? I don't do commercials! You have to pull it!" Chad exclaimed.
"I can't!" Dexter yelled.
Chad angrily grabs Dexter by his navy blue polo shirt.
"Pull it!" Chad yells.
"They're all connected!" Dexter shouted as he shoves Chad away as they both give each other a mean staredown before cutting to commercial.
(The screen fades to black. We then cut back to Chad and Dexter, who are both still giving each other a mean staredown)
"Shall we continue with this review?" Chad asked.
"Yes, certainly." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) We see that Richter goes to see his boss Cohaagen and he chews him out for being an incompetent henchman for trying to kill Quaid and letting him get away. And we get a breakdown on this madman's plan.
Cohaagen: Kuato wants what's in Quaid's head. And he might be able to get it 'cause they say he's psychic. And I have a plan to keep this from happening. Do you think you could play along?
Richter: (Grins) Yes, sir.
Cohaagen: Great, 'cause otherwise, I'll erase your ass.
(Richter's grin turns upside down)
"What does that even mean, exactly?" Chad asked.
"Does it mean that he'll erase his memory of having an ass or does this mean that he'll erase his whole ass?" Dexter asked.
(A clip from the Nostalgia Critic and Sci-Fi Guy's review of Total Recall is shown)
Sci-Fi Guy: How will he sit?
Nostalgia Critic: How will he poop?
Chad: (Narrating) Meanwhile, Quaid checks into the Hilton and signs in with the Brubaker ID in question. Also, there was something left in the safety deposit box, a flyer for a strip joint called The Last Resort, but with a note to ask for a woman named Melina, written in Quaid's own handwriting. So, it's off to Venusville to go to The Last Resort by taking a cab owned by Benny, played by Mel Johnson Jr.
(An explosion is heard and a shootout between the rebels and Cohaagen's men ensue)
Benny (Played by Mel Johnson Jr.): Welcome to Mars, man!
Quaid: What the hell was that, an accident?
Benny: That's the rebels, man.
Quaid: But what do the rebels want?
"What do the rebels want? Dude, haven't you been watching the news like a couple of scenes ago while you were obsessed with Mars? What, have you forgotten about that?" Chad asked.
Chad: (Narrating) Benny takes Quaid to Venusville, which is the Red Light District populated with people mutated as a result of poor radiation shielding and he goes into the Last Resort and we get this little memorable scene.
Quaid: I'm looking for Melina.
Bartender (Played by Mark Carlton): Well, she's busy. But Mary, here, she's free.
Mary (Played by Lycia Naff): Well, not free, honey, but available.
(She opens her shirt to reveal her three breasts, but they're censored with the words "You Can't Show That! You'll Be Demonitized!" covering her breasts)
"Oh, come on! Couldn't you just show it? Maybe just one?" Dexter asked.
"No way, I'll be demonitized. Besides, if anyone want to see it, they could just order the movie on Blu-Ray from Amazon or just watch the movie on Netflix." Chad said.
"Spoilsport." Dexter said, pouting.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid meets Melina, the woman of his dreams, played by Rachel Ticotin. Melina is a member of the Underground and a part-time stripper with a heart of gold and she's happy to see Quaid.
(Melina slaps Quaid)
Melina (Played by Rachel Ticotin): You son of a bitch.
"Well, looks like she's happy to see him." Chad said.
Melina: You're alive? I thought that Cohaagen tortured you to death.
Quaid: Well, I guess he didn't.
Melina: And you couldn't get me a message? You never even wondered what happened to me?
(Quaid stays silent as Melina hugs him)
"A mixed bag." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) But their reunion is cut short when Quaid tells Melina that he doesn't remember her and he has no memory of them being together, thanks to Cohaagen erasing his memories and all that jazz. But the problem is this, he mentions to Melina that he has boring life on Earth with a wife and Melina is sick of his lies because she thinks that Quaid is still working for Melina.
Quaid: Don't be ridiculous.
Melina: You never loved me, Hauser. You just used me to get inside.
(Another clip from The Office is shown)
Michael Scott: (Yells) THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
"Again with that joke. Come on, dude." Dexter said.
"What? I have to use that clip. It's funny." Chad said.
"This is what happens when your friend binge-watching The Office on Netflix." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Melina kicks Quaid out by pointing a gun at him. Well, so much for getting some action. Guess it's back to the hotel, where Quaid gets a surprise visitor, which happens to be the guy from Rekall, Dr. Edgemar played by Roy Brocksmith. According to Dr. Edgemar, he's not really here and neither is Quaid.
Dr. Edgemar (Played by Roy Brocksmith): I'm afraid you're not really standing here right now.
Quaid: You know, Doc, you could have fooled me.
Dr. Edgemar: I'm quite serious. You're not here, and neither am I.
Quaid: (Chuckling) It's amazing.
"Am I being Punk'd? Come on, where are the cameras? Come on out, Ashton Kutcher. You've had your fun." Chad said, imitating Quaid.
Quaid: Where are we?
Dr. Edgemar: At Rekall. You're strapped into an implant chair, and I'm monitoring you from the psychoprobe console.
Quaid: Ah, I get it. I'm dreaming, and all this is part of the delightful vacation your company has sold me, right?
Dr. Edgemar: Not exactly. What you're experiencing is a free-form delusion based on our memory tapes, but you're inventing it yourself as you go along.
Quaid: Well, if it is my delusion, who the hell invited you?
"Tango and Cash?" Dexter asked.
"Oh yeah, that guy was on Tango & Cash. Yeah, I remember reviewing that movie with Sean while he was doing Stallone Month." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) So the story was that this is his Ego Trip and something screwy happened and his brain started to make some stuff up and Dr. Edgemar was implanted inside to try to get him out manually. He tries to convince Quaid that this is the right thing to do is by bringing in his "wife".
"Yeah, his "wife". That's the same woman who tried to kill him earlier in the Ego Trip. But let's just ignore that." Dexter said.
Lori: I love you.
Quaid: Right. That's why you tried to kill me.
Lori: No, I'd never do anything to hurt you. I want you to come back to me.
"Riiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Iceman, take it over from here, will ya." Chad said.
(A clip from Top Gun is shown)
Iceman (Played by Val Kilmer): (Coughs) Bullshit!
"Uh, let Arnold Schwarzenegger handle the bullshit, not Val Kilmer." Dexter said.
Quaid: Bullshit.
"There. Much better." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) In order to bring Quaid back into reality, is by offering him to take a red pill to wake him up.
"Oh, come on, dude! At least offer him a blue pill too. It doesn't work without it!" Chad exclaimed, referencing The Matrix.
Chad: (Narrating) So yeah, Dr. Edgemar gives Quaid two choices, either take the red pill or be lobotomized, but after seeing some sweat running down the good doctor's face and realizing that he's not an implant, he chooses option c.
(Quaid shoots Dr. Edgemar in the head, killing him. He then spits the red pill out of his mouth, the red pill lands on Edgemar's corpse)
Arnold Kill Count: 16
"Ah, don't you just love it when option c comes into play?" Dexter asked.
Chad: (Narrating) But then all hell breaks loose when the goons come crashing through the wall like the friggin' Kool-Aid Man and Quaid tries to fight them off, but gets taken down.
(Lori kicks Quaid in the face)
Lori: That's for making me come to Mars.
(Lori stomps on Quaid's groin, making him scream in pain)
Lori: You know how much I hate this fucking planet.
(Lori kicks Quaid in the face, knocking him out)
"Damn! How many shots to the nads is this man going to take? If I was living in that fantasy, I would wear a cup to keep having my balls crushed by this bitch." Chad said.
(A clip from the Ball Buster commercial from 1975 is shown)
Husband: You're a ball buster!
(The wife turns to the camera and winks at it)
"Hey, Sharon Stone was a real ball buster." Dexter said as a comedic drum riff plays.
Chad: (Narrating) Lori and the Agency goons capture Quaid and prepare to take him to Cohaagen, but Melina shows up with a machine gun and starts gunning them down, which gives her the opportunity to have the obligatory catfight with Lori.
(Melina and Lori have the obligatory catfight followed by a clip from the 1981 version of Dynasty is shown featuring Alexis and Krystle is shown followed by a clip from TruTV's World's Dumbest Brawlers featuring Roger Lodge)
Roger Lodge: (Yells) GIRLFIGHT!
Chad: (Narrating) Just as Lori is about to kill Melina, Quaid shoots the knife out of her hand and he wants payback for the assault on his manhood.
Lori: Honey? You wouldn't hurt me, would you, sweetheart? Sweetheart, be reasonable. (Reaching for a gun behind her) After all, we're married.
(Just as she gets it out, Quaid shoots her in the head, killing her)
Arnold Kill Count: 17
Quaid: Consider that a divorce.
(The screen turns black and white as sunglasses and a pimp hat appear on Quaid while the words "Thug Life" appear on the screen. The song "Damn It Feels Good To Be a Gangsta" by Geto Boys plays)
"Okay, you're definitely turning into Sean. He tends to do that on his show." Dexter said.
"What? He doesn't mind if I borrow his "Thug Life" running gag for this review." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) So now, Quaid and Melina make their escape right before Richter shows up, only to find that his wife is dead. So now, he wants Quaid dead.
Helm (Played by Michael Champion): No! Don't do it! You'll crack the fucking dome!
(Helm stops Richter, causing him to miss Quaid right when he's shooting at him. A vengeful Richter grabs Helm and points his gun at him)
Helm: What are you trying to do? Kill us? The dome will crack.
"Yeah, remember the last time you shot the glass, you dumbass?" Chad asked.
Chad: (Narrating) While on the run, Quaid and Melina run into Benny and we get a good 'ol fashioned car chase while bullets fly. But Benny manages to take them to the Last Resort and they escape into the tunnels behind the bar, leading to Richter and the militia soldiers to bust up the place and ask for questions.
Mary: (To Richter) Hey. You wanna have some fun?
(Opens her top to reveal her three breasts. They are once again censored with the words "Too Hot For YouTube" on them)
Richter: Where are they?
Mary: (Covers herself) What are you talking about? I don't know.
(Mary turns to walk away, but then Richter shoots her in the back)
"Rest in peace, Mary and her bodacious three tits. A moment of silence, please." Chad said as both him and Dexter stay silent.
(A picture of Mary is shown with the censor bar on her three breasts that reads "R.I.P. Three Boobied Chick" while "Crossroads" by Bone Thugs N Harmony plays)
Chad: (Narrating) Richter wants answers to know where Quaid is at, so he figures just shoot everybody in this place and then chaos ensues. People are getting shot, stabbed and even people getting punched by Ironside. The problem is, Cohaager wants them to retreat and he shuts off the air to Venusville. Meanwhile, Quaid, Melina and Benny are in the secret tunnels where the Resistance is located. Melina thinks that they could trust Quaid now or just kill the man. But what about Benny?
Benny: Hey, don't worry about me, man. I'm on your side.
(Benny removes his fake hand, revealing his mutant hand)
"Turns out that Benny is a mutant." Chad said.
"Also, you gotta love the awesome animatronics in the movie. Props to special effects designer Rob Bottin and his team." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) So they let them through and George, played by Marshall Bell tells Quaid that their leader Kuato wants to speak with him and find out just what it is that Cohaagen wants and how much he knows.
George (Played by Marshall Bell): Cohaagen found something weird inside, and it's got him scared shitless.
Quaid: What? Aliens?
George: You tell me.
Quaid: Well, I don't know.
George: Yes, you do. That's why we brought you here. Cohaagen's big secret is buried in that black hole you call a brain. And Kuato's gonna dig it out.
"And Kuato's going to use a spoon to dig for information and eat your brain." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Here's the thing about Kuato, he's a mutant and he's psychic and he's also a weird siamese beer belly mutant baby.
"Boy, that looks messed up." Dexter said. "And I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."
Kuato: What do you want, Mr. Quaid?
Quaid: The same as you, to remember.
Kuato: But why?
Quaid: To be myself again.
Kuato: You are what you do. A man is defined by his actions, not his memories. Please, take my hand.
"Are you sure that it's a good idea for you to be touching him. He could have all sorts of diseases. He doesn't look sanitary." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) But Kuato reads Quaids mind, recalling a discussion with Cohaagen and Richter and the Martian artifact and it's unknown purpose. But then Cohaagen's forces crash the party, which means time for the Arnold Kill Counter to go up.
(Quaid guns down a couple of Cohaagen's forces)
Arnold Kill Count: 26
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid, Melina, Kuato and Benny run for their lives and head to the airlock, but there's a traitor in their midsts.
Quaid: Benny, hurry!
(Benny guns down George, killing him)
Benny: Congratulations, Quaid, you led us right to him.
"Turns out that Benny was working for Cohaagen all along. And I was starting to like that guy too, damn it." Chad said.
"Hey, Cohaagen pays well. He's got four kids to feed." Dexter said.
"Wait, don't you mean five?" Chad asked.
Benny: Oh, shit, man. You got me. I ain't even married.
"Oh, guess he's just in it for the money." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) In his dying breath, Kuato tells Quaid to turn the reactor on right before Richter opens his mind with a bullet. With Quaid and Melina captured, they are taken to Cohaagen and here we get the real surprise… he's been Cohaagen's bosom buddy all along.
Cohaagen: The fact is, Hauser volunteered to become Doug Quaid. It was the only way to fool the psychics.
Quaid: Oh, get your story straight. (Points to Richter) This idiot here has been trying to kill me ever since I went to Rekall. You don't kill somebody you're trying to plant.
"Not unless you're busy porking his wife." Dexter said.
"That's true." Chad said.
Quaid: Sorry. Too perfect.
Cohaagen: Perfect, my ass! You pop your memory cap before we can activate you. Richter goes hog-wild, screwing up everything I spent a year planning. Frankly, I'm amazed it worked.
"You know, I just love Ronny Cox in this movie. He just plays one of the most villainous characters in movie history. Aside from him playing Dick Jones in RoboCop. He was awesome in that one." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Quaid doesn't believe him, but when Cohaagen plays a little message from Douglas Hauser confirming the story, proves all too good to be true.
Hauser: I would like to wish you happiness and long life, old buddy, but unfortunately, this is not gonna happen. You see, it's my body you've got there, and I want it back. Sorry to be an Indian giver, but I was here first. So, adiós, amigo. And thanks for not getting yourself killed. Hey, maybe we'll meet in our dreams. (Laughs) You never know.
"Okay, is this a segway into an Arnold Schwarzenegger Nightmare on Elm Street slasher flick, because I would love to see that. I'll pay good money to see that." Chad said.
"Yeah, have Arnold Schwarzenegger trying to kill you in your dreams and he says a clever one-liner. You know, I would pay good money to see that too." Dexter said.
Chad: (Narrating) Anyway, Cohaagen orders Hauser's memories to be re-implanted into Quaid and they drag Melina along so they could reprogram her to be Hauser's obedient "babe".
Melina: I'll bust his balls.
"Christ, what is it with women wanting to bust Schwarzenegger's balls in this movie? Like haven't he had enough ball busting?" Chad asked.
(A clip from the Ball Buster commercial is shown once more)
Husband: You're a ball buster!
(The wife turns to the camera and winks at it)
"Again with the Ball Buster commercial. You watch way too much of the Nostalgia Critic's commercials specials." Dexter said. "And Sean's too."
Chad: (Narrating) But wait, what about that small problem in Venusville with the people having no air. I mean, they won't last an hour.
Cohaagen: Fuck them.
(A clip from Romeo Must Die is shown)
Mac (Played by Isaiah Washington): Damn, that's some cold shit.
Richter: Excuse me, doctor. Is he gonna remember any of this?
Doctor (Played by Bob Tzudiker): Not a thing.
Richter: (Smiles at Quaid) Oh, really?
(Richter punches Quaid in the face. Quaid then gives Richter the death glare)
"Okay, that's the look of a man who's definitely gonna kill Sam Fisher. I'm looking forward to that fight." Chad said with a smile on his face.
"Also, I would just like to point out that the guy playing the Doctor is played by Bob Tzudiker. Who you might recognize him as the writer of such Disney classics like Newsies, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, 102 Dalmatians and Tarzan. He was also the screenwriter for Don Bluth's Anastasia." Dexter pointed out.
"That was him? Oh, my god. I love his movies. And he's in a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Why do I get the feeling that he's going to become another victim of Schwarzenegger's?" Chad asked.
(Quaid break free from his restraints and stabs the doctor in the neck)
Arnold Kill Count: 27
"Yep. Ladies and gentlemen, you've just witnessed the writer of The Hunchback of Notre Dame getting stabbed in the neck by Arnold Schwarzenegger." Dexter said.
"Well, let's keep the kill counter going." Chad said.
(Quaid bashes another doctor in the head with the restraint, killing him)
Arnold Kill Counter: 28
(Two of the doctor charge at Quaid. Quaid bashes another doctor's head into the machine, killing him)
Arnold Kill Count: 29
(Quaid kicks a doctor in the face as two more enter. He manages to knock out two of the doctors and kills the third doctor by impaling him in the head with a metal rod)
Arnold Kill Count: 30
"Ah, let the bodies hit the floor." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid frees Melina in the nick of time and the two of them make their escape and they head down to the mines where the reactor is located. But all they found was a stone wall where the tunnel should be. And to make matters worse, Benny has traded his cab for an excavation machine. Are you sure that the Arkham Knight isn't driving this thing? But that doesn't stop Quaid from drilling the oil line. And before he kills Benny, Quaid gives out the best and most over-the-top line in movie history.
Quaid: (Yells) SCREW YOU!
(Quaid shoves the drill into the cabin, drilling Benny to death)
Arnold Kill Count: 31
"Well, I guess you could say that Benny got screwed." Chad said as a comedic rimshot is heard.
"Ugh." Dexter rolled his eyes in irritation.
Chad: (Narrating) Because of Benny's attempt at murdering Quaid and Melina, this leads them directly to the reactor room, but there's still some Agency goons after them and with that handy dandy hologram watch from before, Quaid and Melina take them down.
(The real Quaid appears and guns down a bunch of the soldiers. Melina joins in on the shootout)
Arnold Kill Count: 62
Quaid: (Laughs) You think this is the real Quaid? It is.
(Quaid guns down three of the soldiers)
Arnold Kill Count: 65
Chad: (Narrating) And then we get to see Quaid and Richter duking it out on an elevator and he ends up getting disarmed.
Richter: (Grabs Quaid) Yeah, you're coming with me!
(Quaid looks up at the ceiling as he pulls Richter onto the elevator's edge as the platform goes up)
Richter: Nooooo!
(The platform crushes Richter's arms off, leaving him to die falling and screaming)
Quaid: See you at the party, Richter! (Throws Richter's arms off)
Arnold Kill Count: 66
"Don't. Don't you dare come up with a bad one-liner. I'm warning you, Chad." Dexter said.
"What? I'm not. I mean, he could at least give him a farewell to arms." Chad said.
"Son of a bitch!" Dexter shouted.
Chad: (Narrating) Now there's one more loose end to take care of, and that's Cohaagen, who was waiting for Quaid. He claims that the reactor will destroy them all if he turns it on. Mostly because the aliens never turned it on. Also, Cohaagen got a bomb. And as he's about to kill Quaid, Melina joins the party and shoots Cohaagen and despite being wounded, he activates the timer on the bomb and Quaid throws the bomb and it blows up, opening a tunnel to the outside with no atmosphere.
Quaid: Melina, hold on!
Cohaagen: No! Don't do it! We'll all die! Everybody will die! No! No!
(Quaid pulls Cohaagen off, making him the first to go flying out into the surface of Mars unprotected. We then see Cohaagen's head swelling up from rapid decompression until he dies with his eyes popping out)
Arnold Kill Count: 67
"Hey, what do you know? He killed about 67 people in this movie. Man, that's a lot." Chad said.
Chad: (Narrating) Quaid manages to activate the reactor, shortly before him and Melina are flung outside. Of course, Mars has a core of ice instead of molten iron and the ice could be made into steam. So a big alien reactor, something something, fission core, boom! Mars has a breathable planetary atmosphere and it has a blue sky instead of it being a red planet. The people of Venusville are alive and Doug managed to save the world and get the girl.
Melina: I can't believe it. It's like a dream. What's wrong?
Quaid: I just had a terrible thought. What if this is a dream?
Melina: Well, then kiss me quick before you wake up.
(Quaid kisses Melina)
"So wait, is this a dream or is it reality?" Dexter asked.
"Who cares. It's probably reality. So that was Total Recall and man is this movie awesome. Want to give out the closing summation, Dex?" Chad asked.
"Why certainly, Chad." Dexter said.
(Clips from the movie are shown once more)
Dexter: (Narrating) The movie doesn't explain much to you. You have the man saving the world and getting the girl or does he? Was it really a dream or was it reality? Who knows. Also, the twists are very well done and surprising. You know, I started to geek out when I found out that the writers of "Alien" were behind the movie. The story was excellent, the early CGI effects were top notch and the practical effects were amazing for a film made in 1990. It has some goofy moments, but it's still a lot of fun.
Chad: (Narrating) The film was one of the most expensive films ever made. It was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Sound and Best Sound Editing for the movie's sound editor Stephen Hunter Flick. It won an Academy Award for Best Visual Effects and yes, the visual effects are amazing. I love everything about this movie. The story, the visuals, Jerry Goldsmith's music. The cast is excellent. Arnold Schwarzenegger is tough-as-nails as always, Sharon Stone is sexy and Michael Ironside plays the character that you love to hate. But you gotta love Ronny Cox as the villainous Cohaagen, even though I've seen him playing good guys in movies, he is awesome at playing the bad guy. This is a movie that I enjoy watching. If you haven't watched this movie before, then check it out on Netflix.
"And that's all for our final thoughts for the movie and that's all for today. I'm Chad Knight." Chad said.
"And I'm Dexter." Dexter said.
"And remember, the 2012 remake fuckin' sucks." Chad said.
(A clip from Total Recall is shown)
Cohaagen: Well, my boy. You're a hero.
Quaid: Fuck you.
And that's all for the Total Recall for Up All Knight. It was about time that I finally finished that review. Sorry for the wait and I know that the wait was worth it. Next time on Up All Knight, Chad switches from movies to television shows when he starts The Seinfeld Retrospective when he takes a look at the first two episodes in Seinfeld's first season, The Seinfeld Chronicles and Male Unbonding. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. Also, I will be finishing up The Summer of Disney for The Mayhem Critic, so tune in for that one. See you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.