How Sweet It Is

Miranda locked her car and walked towards the doors of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. She heard footsteps beside her and felt someone nudge her. It was Callie. They never planned it, but they often walked into the hospital at the same time. "Hey, Bailey!" Callie exclaimed.

"Hello, Torres. Where's my son?" Miranda asked cutting to the chase.

"I'm fine; thanks. And my wife took him and our daughter to the daycare. His bag is in my car."

"I'm sorry, Callie. I'm a little tired. Thanks for watching Little Tuck for me."

"It's not a problem," Callie said putting an arm around her best friend. "So, how was your night last night?" Callie said smirking as they walked into an empty elevator.

Miranda thought about it for a second. "It was great, then it was good, then it was really good, then it was meh."

"You've said so much without saying anything," Callie said smiling. "Start from the beginning and don't leave anything out."

"Okay, well—," but she interrupted by people getting on the elevator. Their voices lowered. "We should hustle, but I will tell you during a break. I'll page you." Miranda and Callie chitchatted and greeted people as they walked to the Attending locker room. Callie's locker was on one side and Miranda's was in the back. Callie talked to her locker mates on her side while Miranda quieted her brain so that she could start her rounds. She started to get dressed. She straightened out her scrubs, grabbed her lab coat and stethoscope. She closed her lockers and came face to face with Ben.

Miranda had to close her eyes suddenly. When she opened them, he was still standing there smiling his smile at her. It made her smile, too. But she fixed her face and waited for him to speak. "Miranda, hi," he said waving slightly.

"Hello, Dr. Warren."

"So, it's Dr. Warren now?" He asked confusedly.

"Well, we are in our professional setting," she said gesturing around the room. The number of people had grown since the last time she looked up. She crossed her arms, her stethoscope digging into her arm, but she didn't care. She wanted to show her frustration. Frustration. He said that he'd call later and even though it was late already, she had waited. And here he was talking about some "hi". The nerve of some people.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked smiling. Why did he find that amusing?

She placed her hands on her hips, "Why are you smiling at me?

"I'm not," he lied. "I'm trying to figure out why you're looking at me with that scowl."

Miranda scoffed. "I'm not scowling. Anyway, forget it. How's Jazmin?"

"I thought you'd never ask," he said and pulled out the stool in her empty locker. He gestured for her to sit down. Ben leaned against the wall and folded his arms. But it wasn't in an off-putting way, he was relaxed. Miranda checked her watch and saw that she had a few minutes. As she sat down, he started to speak. "So, Jazmin ran away, obviously. She, uh, overheard a conversation that her mother was having with her father about them moving away, to, uh, Oklahoma. Jazmin heard the conversation getting heated and took off."

"Oh. Wow," Miranda said quieting her phone which had started to ring.

"Yeah. She went to the library, but when it closed she needed somewhere else to go. So, she went to the park which you thought of… brilliantly. Thanks for that. I was panicking and I didn't know where to look. I'm, um, glad I called you."

"Yeah, how'd you get my number?" Miranda asked.

"I looked it up in the online hospital directory. I hope you don't mind."

"No, I was just curious."

"Cool. And Angela wanted me to tell you that you're invited for dinner anytime that you want. She's a fabulous cook." Miranda looked up at Ben. It was her turn to smile.

"Tell her I said it was no problem. I was glad to help and sure, why not. And Tuck will want to come as well."

"Of course," Ben said in a deep voice. Lost in her present company, she didn't hear her phone ring again. She'd forgotten to turn the ringer off. "Your phone."

"Oh… yeah… thanks," Miranda said reaching for her phone. She looked at the caller and saw that it her boyfriend. And answering the call. She was sure that Ben would bid her goodbye and go on about her business, but he was still there. She looked up at him and saw that his right eyebrow was raised. Then, Miranda watched as it lowered. "Hey, babe," she said turning away from Ben.

"Hello, sweetie," Eli answered. "I know you're about to start your day. I just wanted to tell you to have a good one and I'll see you a little later."

"That was nice of you. Thank you." Miranda said genuinely touched.

"No problem. I love you," Eli said and he waited for her to say it back.

"I love you, too. Bye," Miranda hung up the phone and faced Ben. "So, what were we saying? I'm glad you found her. Jazmin is a good kid, she was just upset."

"Yeah, I know," Ben said sharply. "I didn't mean to take a peek, but is that … Eli Lloyd? The nurse?"

"Yeah, why? Do you know him?"

"I know that you know that I know him," Ben smirked. "He told you what happened, didn't he? About how he had difficulties in Anesthesiology and he flipped out at me after I tried to teach him a lesson. I was trying to explain to him about letting the pressure get to him, which I thought he would understand being a nurse and all, but he just… flipped. I felt bad, but I knew he was scared. I tried to take him under my wing, but it didn't work out like that and he quit the program. I've seen him around and we've even worked on the same patient a few times, but… yeah." Miranda listened to the entire story. "I didn't know you were dating him," Ben said. After a minute he said, under his breath: "I didn't know you were dating anyone."

"Well, like everyone should, but hardly anyone does, I like to keep my private life private," Miranda said standing up and putting her stool away. She closed her lockers and waved goodbye to Ben before exiting the locker room.

Miranda loved her job and she worked hard at it. She always put 100% into her patients and paperwork and skill labs. Being a doctor satisfied her. It had taken her a lot of work to get to where she was and she took pride in her work. Miranda was aware that it could all be taken from her. She moved physically and mentally in and out of her patients, new and returning. By the time she paged Callie to meet up for a lunch break, she was extra tired. "Break?" She texted Callie.

She texted back: "Can't going into surgery in 2 mins."

Damn it, Miranda thought. She had wanted some feedback on the Ben and Eli situation. She walked slowly towards the nurse's station to put down some paperwork. She checked the OR scheduling board and saw that she had a couple of procedures later in the day. Then she went to the Attending lounge. At this time of the day, it was never empty, but there were only a few doctors in there, four to be exact. Two of them were reading and looked up quickly when she walked in, nodded at her and went back to reading. The other two, two women, were talking to each other. Miranda knew who they were: Dr. Arizona Robbins, Head of Pediatric Surgery and Callie's wife. She was a perky, blonde woman. She was with Dr. April Kepner, Trauma Surgeon, a nervous woman with red hair and bright eyes. They were best friends and their heads were nearly glued together as they spoke. They were probably gossiping. When they finally looked up from their conversation, Miranda was sitting at a table; she was facing the door with her back to them. "Dr. Baaailey," Arizona said in a singsong-y voice.

"Yes, Dr. Robbins," Miranda replied turning around and knowing that she was going to ask about her night.

"How was your night? With Nurse Eli?" Arizona asked. April stared at Miranda and waited for her to answer.

And Miranda wanted to talk to her, but didn't quite want to do it in front of April. Also, she wanted them to drag the story out of her; she didn't just want to spill her guts. "So… how was your night?" Arizona asked again.

Miranda looked to where the two doctors were reading when she first walked in the lounge and saw that they were now gone. "It was good. Fine. I had an enjoyable time."

"An enjoyable time?" April asked. She made a face. "That's how you describe a night with your boyfriend?"

Miranda Bailey twisted her lips to one side and sucked her teeth. "Well, I had The Chief over for dinner and that was good. Then, it was just—" Her statement was cut short as Callie walked into the lounge. "I thought you had surgery?"

"I did, but it was pushed back. So what are we talking about?" Callie asked.

"Bailey's night with Nurse Eli," April said before Miranda could get a word in. Then she pulled a bag of pretzels out of nowhere and offered them to everyone.

While they chewed on the pretzels, Miranda felt comfortable enough, with the addition of Callie, to tell them the entire story. She began the story at the point when saw Ben in the locker room at Mr. Smalls' surgery. Even the part about Richard not liking Eli and expressing that sentiment. When she was finished, they all looked at her. "Well, somebody say something."

April was the first to speak. "Damn, Dr. Bailey. I don't know what to tell you, really. But, when I was caught between two guys, I choose the one who wasn't 100% right for me, but ended up with the one who was perfect." She sighed and smiled dreamily. Miranda turned up her face, Kepner was probably thinking about her very handsome fiancé, Dr. Jackson Avery, Plastic Surgeon.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, Kepner," Callie said speaking as if reading Miranda's brain. "So, Ben comes into your life and suddenly you and Eli are fighting. Obviously, the two aren't unrelated." Callie grabbed some more pretzels.

"Ugh, don't say that. I- I- I love Eli. He's opened me up and showed me that I can be loved and I that I deserved to be loved and loved correctly. But Ben looks at me and I want to melt," Miranda said slowly biting a pretzel.

"Which guy do you think you have a future with?' Arizona asked leaning towards Miranda. She then looked at the door and fell silent as a resident doctor came in and asked for a Trauma consult on a kid. "Ooo, maybe I should join you two." Arizona grabbed her coat, kissed her wife and followed the other doctors out of the door.

"Have you kissed Ben?" Callie asked seriously and quietly. She knew that Miranda wasn't one for giving away kisses and doing things that muddied her reputation.

"No!" Miranda said loudly and strongly. And she meant it, too. But she also knew that she'd thought it about several times and dreamt about Ben's lips collapsing on hers.

Callie interrupted her thoughts: "Do you want to?"

"Yes," Miranda answered quickly. "Is that bad?"

"No. I don't think so. I think it's normal. Especially since Ben is such a cutie."

"Girl! He is adorable," Miranda gushed at her best friend. "I'm a bad person. A terrible, terrible bad person. I was once called the 'moral compass' of this hospital, but now I'm definitely not acting like it." She grabbed her head. "Ugh. Callie, help me."

Callie laughed as she watched her friend in obvious emotional pain. "Look, you're not a bad person. You're not even close to being 'bad," Callie told her. "You're having feelings for two different guys. And it's… I think it is. Normal. Don't panic until you have to." Then, Callie leaned closer and whispered: "And don't kiss Ben until you're absolutely sure you're done with Eli."

Miranda nodded. They sat for a while and finished off April's pretzels. Callie's pager beeped and she headed to the ER. Miranda was left alone. She decided to take a walk over to the daycare to check on Tuck before she went back to work to finish her shift. He was playing with the blocks, making tall and elaborate buildings. She sat down with him and added on a few blocks before he realized that she was there. "Mommy!" Tuck exclaimed and threw himself into her arms. That hug made her problems disappear slightly. She squeezed him tightly. His body brushed against the block tower, but Miranda grabbed it before it fell. "Thanks, mommy!"

"How are you? How's the daycare?"

"It's okay. Just playing with these blocks," he answered. Tuck stood up and placed a few blocks that connected the two towers. "What are you doing here? Is it time to go home?" His face lit up and she couldn't wait until it really was time to go home.

"I'm just visiting you. I'll be off in a couple of hours, okay?" She rubbed his head. He nodded and started playing with a little boy who had crawled over to him. Miranda kissed the top of his head and left the daycare.

When the day was over, Eli called Miranda and told her that he was covering someone's shift and wouldn't be able to stop by that night. A part of her was relieved. She kind of wanted to be alone with her thoughts and some wine and a good movie. Another part of her wanted to curl up against Eli's body and let him hold her. The last part of her wanted to talk to her mom. She reached for her cell phone and dialed the first four digits of her mother's number. She listened to the rings and took a deep breath. Just before her mother picked up the phone, Miranda slid out of bed and walked to her son's room. She pushed open the door and saw him sleeping in bed. "Hello?" Elena's voice hit her ear.

"Hey, ma," she said watching her son move in his sleep. She smiled. "How are you?"

"I'm okay," Elena said yawning. "How have you been?"

"I'm good. I just needed to talk you. How's dad?"

"Annoying," she answered with a laugh. "He's asleep. How's my baby?"

"Tuck is great, ma. You should see him, he's getting so big and his game is really coming along," Miranda said excitedly. Her parents weren't able to get out to Seattle much and it had been a while since she and Tuck had been able to fly to Baltimore. She'd have to plan a trip soon. They hadn't been to Baltimore in nearly two years. Not since the shooting. The shooting. Miranda closed her eyes. A tear rolled down her face as she remembered the shooting that had taken place at Seattle Grace-Mercy West two years ago. Funny, it'd seemed longer, maybe because she'd pushed it to the back of her memory, pushed it to the point where maybe it hadn't actually happened, but it was just a figment of her imagination. But it was real. It had really happened.

Miranda and one of her residents, Charles Percy, were tending to a long-term patient of Miranda's, Mary Portman. Miranda was going to perform a colostomy bag reversal surgery. However, a revengeful shooter, Gary Clark, came into the hospital and changed everything. Dr. Percy had come into the room and told Miranda and Mary that the shooter was on their floor. "There's a shooter in the hospital?!" Miranda asked shocked. Mary started to panic. Miranda ran to the door and watched as doctors, nurses, everyone scatter with the revelation that a shooter was on the loose and that he was in close range. She watched with terror in her eyes as a security guard tried to talk the shooter. Gary Clark ended up killing him. Miranda instructed Charles to hide in the closet and made Mary pretend to be dead while she got under the bed and hoped and prayed to God that the shooter would see Mary and leave. "Shh, do not move. Do not breath," she told Mary. "Dr. Percy, go hide. Now." Miranda slid under the bed and heard him come into the room. She watched his feet walk over to Mary and he looked at her and began to cry. Under the bed, Miranda was crying herself. She heard him talk to himself and paced back and forth, muttering. A small crash in the closet, stopped him in his tracks. He walked to the closet and opened the door. Miranda could hear Charles pleading: please. Gary Clark asked if he was a surgeon—yes, sir. yes sir, I am. Soon, Charles was on the floor and was staring right at Miranda, his eyes begging her to help him. But, she knew she couldn't. If she did, she'd be dead, too. Miranda was shaking. She looked on as Charles writhed in obvious pain. All of a sudden, she was being pulled. Miranda tried to grab the floor to stop herself from sliding, but nothing worked. Like Charles, she pleaded, "No, no, no!" as he pointed the gun in her face. Gary Clark asked her the same question: Are you a surgeon? Answer me! Miranda stared into the barrel of the gun with her hands up and sputtered out: "No. No, I'm a nurse. I-I'm a n-nurse. I'm a n-nurse." Gary Clark pulled the gun back and apologized for "the problem" and walked out.

When the shooter was gone, Miranda, with the help of Mary, tried to get Charles to the OR to perform surgery on him. However, the elevators were cut off. There was no hum. Miranda had a breakdown, she yelled and screamed and attacked the closed elevators with Mary trying to calm her down and Percy staring at her, helpless. Realizing that Percy would die because there was no way fix him without an OR, Miranda tried to make his last moments comfortable. She sat down and talked to Charles, reassuring him. Soon, he was dead. Miranda felt so powerless, so weak. It turned out that Gary Clark ended up killing 11 people, shooting several others including Dr. Derek Shepherd from Neuro, Dr. Owen Hunt from Trauma and her former intern, Alex Karev. Shepherd had a bullet near his and was worked on by Cristina Yang, Cardio superstar. And Owen was saved by Meredith Grey, future General Attending.

That was the worst day of her life. After the shooting, she took Tuck to her parent's house and stayed for several weeks. He wasn't yet five and enjoyed the stay in Baltimore while Miranda worked on getting her nerves back and getting rid of her night terrors. She had dreams of Percy and of Mary. Mary, she'd come back six months later to get the procedure she would have gotten done that day, but instead she died. She'd really liked Mary, too. And her husband, Bill. Things happen. But while she and Tuck hadn't been to Baltimore, her parents visited them a few times. "Aww, you gotta get out here. I want to see my grandson. How's work?"

"Work is great. I'm a doctor. I save lives. And I love it," Miranda said. She wandered back to her room. She climbed in the bed and pulled the covers up to her chest. After being quiet for a while, Miranda spoke: "Can I ask you question?"

"You can ask me anything."

"Have you ever really loved someone? I mean really loved them and wanted to be with them and you really, really cared for them? And they loved and cared for you back, but you found yourself falling for someone else? Someone who you're not even sure if they even like you? Shit, let alone love."

"Does this have something to do with your boyfriend?" Miranda was quiet. "What's his name? Eli?"

"Yes, ma'am. His name is Eli."

"Now when am I going to meet this Eli?" Her mother asked quickly.

"Um, you know, I don't know. Our schedules don't even mesh so maybe if you two can get out here maybe you can… um, meet him," Miranda said.

She mother coughed a little. "So back to your question. Yes, I have. I've been, in a sense, torn between two lovers. I don't know if you know this, but before your father and I got together, before we even met actually, I was seeing a guy, um, his name may or may not have been Allen." Elena giggled. " And we were serious, serious like I felt that he might propose. He even said that he was going to do it when we met up years later. But I met your father and something in me switched from it being all about Allen to being all about your father. I loved Allen, but William captured my heart. Yes, you did," she finished and Miranda knew that Elena wasn't talking to her with that last part. She was talking to Miranda's father, William. Miranda smiled. She wanted the kind of love that her parents had. They'd been married for about 40 years. She thought, at one point, that she and Tucker would be like that, but it hadn't worked out that way. "So, is Eli Allen or William?" Her mother asked pulling her out of her thoughts.

"He may or may not be Allen. I'm not sure. I just need to sort my thoughts and figure out what I really want. I need to figure out what I really need."

"What's the other guys' name?"

It was Miranda's turn to clear her throat. "It's Ben."

"I know Eli is a nurse. What does Ben do? Please don't tell me he's an accountant." They laughed.

"No, momma, he's an Anesthesiologist at the hospital."

"Nice, girlie. Well, think about it and let me know. I'm going to bed."

"I love you, momma," Miranda replied.

"I love you, too, baby," Elena said and the call was disconnected. Miranda put her phone on the charger and turned on her TV. She was asleep before the upcoming program started.

Walking in the hospital the next day, her mind was clea. Shre decided, in her dreams and as she woke up, to let go of thoughts of Ben and to focus on Eli. Eli was the man in her life and she needed to put her energy towards that relationship. That made the most sense.

"Dr. Bailey!" Someone was calling her. It was probably an intern or a resident so she kept moving. Let them catch up with her. "Miranda!" Nope, nope, it wasn't one of her students. She stopped in her tracks and turned around. She saw Eli was running to catch up with her. He looked really good hustling towards her. He put his arm around her shoulder; his fingertips grazed her bra strap. Her arms and neck were covered with goose bumps. "Hey, baby," he said stopping their movement and bending down to kiss her. Miranda pulled away and glanced around. She didn't mind being kissed by her boyfriend in public, when they were out and about on the town or at dinner, at a movie or taking a walk. But, at the hospital, she preferred if they didn't show affection. Eli wasn't like that. He loved kissing her and touching her whenever he could. He'd often said that he couldn't help himself. He just had to touch her. "My bad. I know how you are about PDA at the hospital."

"Yeah, I know you do," Miranda said a little irritated.

Eli sensed her irritation and asked: "Hey, what's the problem?"

"Nothing. You know I have a stellar reputation and I don't want it tarnished with talks of my personal life."

"Miranda, I have a great reputation as well. And you know that people talk about whatever they want to talk about. They'll talk if you have a boyfriend and if you kiss him and talk about your sex life or whether or not you have one. People talk."

"I know that, Eli, but I just don't want to give them a reason. If that's okay with you!?" She stormed off. Miranda realized that she'd been very short with Eli lately. She stopped walking again and turned around only to see that Eli was gone. Something stirred inside of her and she felt like crying. She stopped inside of the first closet. Coincidentally, it was one of her favorites. Miranda had found over the years that having a place outside of the locker room, lounge and on-call rooms that was quiet and where she could think and be alone. She turned over a bucket and sat down and down her face fell a few tears. Tears. Miranda wasn't a crier. She never was. Even as a baby or a child. That was one of the things that her mother constantly reminded her of. She hardly ever cried. As she got older, her parents knew something was really wrong when she cried. It just didn't happen often. But her heart was heavy. She felt guilty and she felt uneasy about her emotions for both Ben and Eli, so she allowed a few tears to fall. Just a few. The she really thought about Eli. She really had to stop driving him away. He was good for her. The way he held her made her feel safe and she loved him and there might come a time when she fell in love with him. She put her head in hands and sent up a silent prayer that God would get her out of this funk that she seemed to be in. There was a knock on the door. Miranda sniffled and quickly wiped away her tears and stood up. She flicked on the light and pretended to be looking for something. The door swung open as she grabbed a handful of gauze. "Dr. Bailey? Are you okay?" Miranda looked at the speaker. She hung her head when she saw that it was The Chief. "Mandy, talk to me. Are you alright? Another doctor said that he saw you come in here and that you hadn't come out yet."

Her eyes widened. "Who was it?"

"I asked you a question. How are you?" He demanded putting his hands on his hips. His six-foot frame and concerned facial expression made her straighten up.

"I'm fine, sir. I just came in here for gauze and some, uh, needles and that. I don't need someone to check up on me. I'm fine." Miranda grabbed her supplies and started walking towards the door.

"Okay, okay. I just, uh, came in here to get a scrub cap or two. Go on." He side-stepped out of her way.

Hands full and in the hallway, she felt her pager going off. She was being called to the ER. She gave the supplies to a surgical intern walking by her. He looked confused and started to ask questions, but one look from Miranda quieted him. Getting to the ER, she saw her fellow general surgeon and former student Dr. Meredith Grey waving at her frantically. "Dr. Bailey!" Miranda rushed over. Meredith quickly began to breakdown the information and necessities for Miranda. "Mr. and Mrs. Johnson, Dr. Bailey and I are going to give you some time now before we take you up and get you prepped."

"Yes, so if you have any questions, a nurse can definitely get in touch with us. Mrs. Johnson you get yourself some rest, okay?" Miranda said smiling at the gray-haired lady. She'd come in after tripping down a couple of stairs. She would have to have surgery to stop the bleeding. Miranda felt really bad for her, like most of her patients, but she would definitely enjoy the feeling of cutting into the woman and setting her problems to the side to help someone else.