'When was it born?'

'I don't know what you're on about. You're deluded, you.'

'Your baby. When was it born? Don't play stupid with me, I'm your brother. When did you have a baby? It would be in the last, what, five years? I'm thinking it's older as you are getting on.'

'You are so far off the mark.' She tells him, trying to hide the fact that he's spooked her. She doesn't know if she's doing a good job or not. She prays and hopes that she is, trying to throw him off the scent. 'Like different stratosphere.'

'I'm not. I grew up with you, I know what I'm talking about it. When was it born? You're getting on a bit, you know, but it's not impossible.'

'Bye Rob.'

'You can't hide the fact you've had a baby from me, sis. I'm your brother, don't you forget that. I know you've had a baby.'

'I haven't.'

'If you hadn't, you'd have laughed it off instead of becoming so defensive. I know you sis.'

'Clearly, you don't.'

'I'll find out one way or another.'

'There's nowt to find out, I'm not pregnant and I've not had a baby. I'm having a midlife crisis and you were the only one who knew what it was like, growing up. You were the only one who may have been able to help but, but now you're accusing me of having a baby.' She snaps, shaking her head.

'I don't believe you.' He sing songs, 'but you aren't selling it to me. I know you.'

'You don't know nothing.'

'Then why have you become flustered or something.'

'Bye Rob.' She tries to keep a calm composure as she walks out of prison, not looking back because he'll know the truth. If she catches her eye, it will confirm he knows she's lying. She's not denying her daughters existence because she's ashamed. Far from it. She's doing it because she loves her daughter and she wants to be a better mum. That's why she went, to try and work out why she's like that. Her and Jane, they speak about her "unresolved issues" and she's pretty sure this is the biggest one.

She denied her because she wants to protect the baby. Her innocent daughter who has been caught in the middle of her chaotic life, and him. She wants to protect her daughter from him, it was a stupid idea even going to the prison. She thought it would being her some sort of closure, but instead she's just more questions. Just looking at him, it brought back so many memories. Memories she hadn't been ready to face. He brought it all back, her childhood, the Connor brothers, Tony, Frank and her favourite vice, alcohol. Things she just wanted to forget.

She makes it to the car before the tears start flowing. She knows her mascara is running, she knows she looks a mess, but that's nothing to the way she feels inside. She's got this void that wasn't there before, she didn't know why. She hated Rob, but she suddenly felt more alone than ever. She thought she was getting better, that she was okay. Turns out, she's not.

'What have I done?' She whispers to herself, cursing herself through hot tears, trying to steady her breath. 'Why did I come here?' There's no one else to answer her questions, she knew it was a bad decision as soon as she applied for the visiting order, keeping it all under wraps. She was the one lying to Peter. She was the one hiding, for a change. How could she demand trust from him when she was the one lying?

She drives around for an hour, going nowhere particular, but wanting to clear her head. She didn't know what she was expecting. Maybe she thought she was expecting some big reunion? Where he apologises for all the hurt, he's caused, and they would be okay.

But they weren't and they never would be.

It was that, plain and simple. Things would never be okay with her brother, lying and deceit. She was as bad as her brother; this visit just proved that. Granted, she wasn't on the same scale as Rob, but she was the same. They were cut from the same cloth.

She wasn't cut from the same cloth as Kate, or Aidan. She had been neglected by her mother, living in fear until she left with Paul. They had things, she had nothing, living in relative poverty. Not quite absolute poverty, she didn't think. Either way, she'd had nothing.

Rob had been right, all those years ago. She could have had things, barbie dolls, food. She could have been happier, not hiding from her mum and George, being that scared little girl. She could have been happy.

And that's why she is refusing to see Johnny.

He could have been the answer to all her problems, chucking some money here and there wasn't enough because everyone knew what Sharon was doing. And she'd been a big part of that, being used. She'd been a scapegoat all her life, kind of, and Rob reminded her of that. He reminded her that after all this, she was the same girl underneath.

He could have cared, but he didn't. It was only when he had to throw money about did, he decide that he wanted to be a part of her life. No matter how it was phrased, that was the some of it. She wasn't worth anything. And that hurt, cutting deeper than she ever thought possible.

At least when Rob murdered Tina it was to protect her, in some fucked up way.

And that was something she'd have to take to her grave. Much like Liam, Paul and Rana. She couldn't bring herself to feel sorry for Frank.

That's why she couldn't cope, it occurred to her. She couldn't lose her baby, so becoming detached to it, she was saving herself. Yet, she seemingly was following the path of her mother. She was scared, though, her selfishness came from a place of fear, it dawned on her. And she couldn't be like that. She couldn't be her mum and that's why she needed to get over herself.

-CS-

'How was the hospital?'

'Hmm?'

'The hospital, you know, your kidney?'

'Oh, fine. It was okay. Where is my baby? I want a cuddle.'

'A cuddle?'

'Don't look so surprised.' She rolls her eyes, picking the baby out of the basket. 'Hello, my beautiful little girl.' She tries to ignore Peters look of pure shock; it was like a stab in the heart. 'Did you have a nice day with daddy? Hmm, you little bumble bee.' She watches his face morph, once again, into a smile, she never calls her daughter bumble bee. She was Beatrice or baby or Bea. Never Bumble Bee.

'What's put you in a good mood?'

'My kidney check-up, reminded me how good it was to be alive.' She lies, that stabbing pain reappearing. She should tell Peter the truth, but she couldn't face the argument. Anyway, what could she say? "Hey Peter, I'm not coping, even though I've been seeing a professional, so I decided to go and see my murderous brother who framed you." She just knew how that would go down. All of this, with her, she was worried it would push him over the top.

Not with drinking but sleeping with someone else.

She still wasn't ready to have sex with him and she knew it was stupid. He wasn't getting it at home, it wasn't because she was too tired or anything, it was because she was worried. The doctor couldn't give her any certainties when it came to another cryptic pregnancy. Something she did not want, thus not ready to shag him.

It would come, she told herself. She would be ready, but she wasn't ready just yet. And that's what scared. He'd waited before, during her psychosis, but this was something different. She was sick, seriously sick. This, this wasn't her being ill. This was her being scared.

'What are you thinking about?' Peter asks, dragging her out of her thoughts, gaining a small smile.

'How I'm going to be a better mum. From now on, I'm going to be better. For her.'

'You sound happier.' He still didn't believe that she was at her hospital appointment, but he wasn't going to question it, seeing the way she was cuddling their baby, it didn't matter. The three of them, four with Simon, that was all he needed.

This was his family.

The family he wasn't going to-do anything to upset, anything to disrupt the harmony of it. Even if she wasn't ready for sex, it didn't matter. If he were that desperate, which he wasn't, there were other options. He wasn't going to push her into anything.

-CS-

'Did you want a take-out tonight?' She questions, pacing up and down, with the baby on her shoulder, it makes her look like a natural. He's not sure what makes it so special, maybe it's because it's the first time she's played proper attention to the baby, or the way they both seem half asleep, clad in pyjamas which makes him smile, spending time with them as a proper family. 'My treat.'

'Take-out? Or pizza?'

'That's a takeout.' He shakes his head, laughing slightly. 'Yes or no, I fancy some.'

'If you want.'

'Can you order it?'

'Me?'

'My card is in my purse.'

'Which is?' It suddenly dawns on her that her purse is in her bag, along with the visiting order from her brother.

'Take her, I'll go and find it.' She tells her, passing the baby to her partner before he can protest, knowing he can't see the piece of paper.

She scrabbles around in their bedroom, as he hears Peter talk to the baby, eventually finding the purse buried deep in her bag. She deliberates on what she should do with the piece of paper, until she can get rid of it. She knows Peter won't look through her stuff without permission, but that doesn't help because she may need him too. All she knows is that she's got to get rid of it.

'Carla, love, have you found it. Or you can use mine.'

'No, I've got it. My makeup all fell out.' The lie runs off her tongue like it was normal. So easily it makes her feel guilty. She just knew he couldn't find out. 'What type of pizza did you want?'

'Margherita?' He suggests, as she comes out of the room. 'That okay with you?'

'Sounds good.' She agrees, going to sit on the sofa, getting her phone out and looking at it for a few moments. 'I do love you; you know.'

'Of course, I do.'

'It's been a tough few months and I have struggled, but I am so worried something will happen to her, and I guess that's why I rejected her.' She whispers, as he places the baby in the cot. 'Because I couldn't bear to lose her, but in the midst of that, I guess I got lost along the way.' She wonders when she's going to get back to normal, so that she's not crying every five minutes. 'It's because I love her, and I don't want to taint her with everything I've been through.'

'Jane must really be helping.'

'She is.' She cringes inside as these lies keep coming, wondering if she should come clean to her partner. 'She is giving me perspective. I do love her, and you. We're a family, even if we do have different surnames.'

'Does that bother you?' She shrugs a little.

'I don't know, I really don't. Maybe one day, if you propose in the right way, I might consider getting married.' This is something that hadn't been discussed since they got back together, not seriously at least, but as the moon shone down onto his partners face, he wondered if he should pop the question, making them a "proper" little family.

'Oh aye. Maybe.'

'Do you not want too?'

'No, I do. It would be nice; cement the fact we are a family.'

'It would also make going on holiday easier.'

'Hm?'

'Well Beatrice and I don't have the same surname, so say I went abroad for a few days to visit Chelle, if you can call Dublin abroad, or something, you'd have to sign a form or something. If we had the same surname, it wouldn't be an issue.'

'Well then, I better get my skates on.'

A/N thoughts?