'So, how are things going with you Carla?' The woman leans back in the chair, gathering her thoughts, before opening her mouth.

'They're okay, things seem to be picking up. I spend more time with Beatrice without worrying about her, so much. Not in the way I have done in the past.'

'That's good.' Jane praises her, like she was a dog. Not that she minds, she feels a bit lost without the baby by her side. Today, she's actually got dressed and washed her hair, trusting Peter with her baby. Yet again.

'Life is going okay.'

'I'm sensing a but?' Carla nods, letting out a breath. She wonders if the situation could be any messier, this added to the mix would blow her world apart. This was the first time she has let herself thing about what she did, with someone who wouldn't judge her. Or, if she did, it wouldn't be openly.

'Everything I say in here, it's confidential?'

'Yes.'

'Peter, he'd kill me, if he knew.'

'I'm not allowed to say anything. I wouldn't anyway, this is private.'

'I went to see my brother.'

'Brother?'

'My half-brother. You know, the murderer. I think I might have mentioned him, about how my real dad didn't tell me he was mine until Rob tried to blackmail him?' The woman nods, watching Carla's face contort as she tells the story, the pain of the whole situation evident in her eyes. 'Well I wanted advice, or just closure and I thought that I would get it from him. I don't know why I went; I just felt the need too. Something told me I had too. I don't know what I was expecting. I asked him about our mam. I don't know what I was looking for.' She can feel herself rambling now, talking a mile a minute, she wonders how she's still talking.

'Did it help you?'

'No, it gave me more questions than answers.' She takes a sip of the cool liquid in the plastic cup, contemplating how unsustainable it is, how if she'd brought her own water bottle it would have been better for the environment. 'He asked me if I were pregnant?'

'Oh. How did you respond to that?'

'Obviously I said no, and he accepted it. Then as I went, he asked me how old my child was. I don't know, Jane, it spooked me. It's not like he could know, he said I looked like I had a child. What does that even mean? I think it was him clutching at straws because I was talking about mum and then he mentioned my miscarriage and he started sprouting some bullshit about me having a baby.'

'Have you told Peter?'

'He can't find out.' She whispers, 'he really can't. That would be the end. After the history we have, it's there, but it's the elephant in the room. Rob exists and biologically, he will always be my brother and there's nowt you can say to change that.'

'Do you have anyone to talk about it with?' She pauses, flicking through all the people she's friends with, mentally crossing the ones she doesn't trust not to tell her partner. Even when she came to think of Michelle, she was doubtful, considering they seemed to be the best of friends.

'Maybe, my best friend. She's my cousin, on my dad's side. I was married to her brother, but she's my best friend. I don't think she'd tell him. Or I'd hope she wouldn't, at this point Jane, I'm not sure. I know she's worried about me.'

'Maybe she might be able to help, obviously I can't advise you what to-do because I don't know the situation, but your friend might?'

'Maybe, we grew up together and she's been there for me in the past. I'm just worried she'd judge me. Rob and I, it's complicated, but I just want her to understand what a tricky position I was in, I did it for Bea because she deserves better than me, but I am going to try my best.'

'You don't know until you try and, I promise you Carla, you are doing a great job.'

'No, I know. I don't plan on going back, but I don't want Peter to find out.'

'Well that is your prerogative' she points out, 'but is there any way he could hear it from someone else?'

'I hope not.' She whispers, 'I really hope not.'

-CS-

'I still don't get the point of this?'

'It's supposed to support her head and neck muscles, making her big and strong and that. They said when she starts to crawl, she will stop it.'

'God, we're talking about her crawling already? I reckon we're going to have to watch her like a hawk.' She muses, 'I've got that swim class next week and I don't want to go.'

'Why?'

'Well I'll be older than most of them anyway.'

'Carla, you don't look it. Anyway, they'll have the baby weight and you won't.' She sighs, running her hands through her hair, leaning back into the sofa. 'You'll be the hottest mum there.'

'You charmer.' She grins, blowing him a kiss. 'We're going to have to start baby proofing this.'

'Hm?'

'This flat, if we want to stay in it.'

'Wait, you want to move?'

'I want her to have a garden.' She admits, 'I don't want anywhere flash, but I want a house and a garden. The flat, it was great when it was just us, but now she's here' she trails off.

'Really?'

'Yeah, it doesn't have to be here, either. Obviously not too far, but it will be nice. What do you think? I think this fresh start would be good for us.'

'I'd not even thought about moving. I guess it makes sense, a garden and a living room which you can actually move in.'

'Exactly.' She smiles joining her partner and daughter on the floor. 'I missed you today, bumble bee.'

'Did you?'

'Don't sound so surprised, of course I did. I feel like I've not spent much time with her, what with the hospital and today's session, I've missed her.'

'That's good.'

'What? Missing her?'

'Well yeah, it means your bonding with her and all that.' He grins, watching the baby. 'You need time to yourself, though.'

'You're telling me. We need time to ourselves, too.' She whispers, getting a raised eyebrow from her partner. 'Mind out of the gutter. I meant just the two of us, not constantly looking at her. Imagine watching TV without the baby right in front of her.'

'I can't help it, you're irresistible.'

'Maybe soon, I just need time.'

'I'll wait forever, if I need too.'

'I know you will.' She whispers, 'I just don't want another cryptic pregnancy, or pregnancy altogether. I adore Beatrice, it's been tough, but I do. I just don't think I could go through it all again.'

'I know darling.' He whispers, pushing a stray hair out of her face.

'We used to be okay, when we were married. Or so I thought. We got back together when I became ill, and something changed, and I wasn't as interested. Or it wasn't right. Having sex, it didn't feel right in the depths of my psychosis.' She whispers, not daring to look up, 'thank you, for waiting.'

'I told you Carla, I'm not going to force you into anything. I wasn't going to take advantage of you, I've been a lot of things in the past, but you should know that isn't me.'

'I'm sorry. I know you aren't.'

'I promise, it's okay.' She bites her lip, wondering if she should say something, until he speaks. 'What is it Carla?' She curses herself for becoming too readable, her partner being able to notice when something is wrong.

'Don't get mad.'

'Okay.'

'You aren't going to go and find it elsewhere, are you? Sex, I mean. Someone younger, fitter, who is up for it three times a day, or whatever.' She whispers, closing her eyes so that she can't see his reaction. 'I'm fragile enough and I don't want you to leave me.' She tells him, as a brief silence falls over them.

'I'm not.' He reassures her, his voice tainted with sadness, and regret. 'I'm not going too, I promise. That will always be there, I know that, but I just hope we can move past this. I know that having a baby has stirred up all these old feelings, but I just want you to know that I have changed. I'm aware it's always going to be there. I can't change the past, and you know I would in a heartbeat, but I just hope you can come to terms with it and move on. Again.'

'You aren't going to have a go at me?'

'No. You'll never be able to forget what I did, but I just hope we can work past it because we are good together Carla, you and me. We are really good, we always have been, until I messed up.'

'I know.' She wonders if she could any guiltier, the guilt of visiting Rob was eating her up. Here she was talking about lying and cheating, when she's got her own secret that's tearing her apart. 'And we will be fine, it's just a worry.'

'I know.' He promises, as the baby starts protesting, alerting them that they aren't alone, she is there. 'Oh, are you done? Hmm, you tired now.' He picks her up, as Carla just stares at the pair. This was her family. Peter and the baby. Visiting Rob, it had been a wake-up call, she didn't need anyone else.

'Peter.'

'Hmm.'

'I've done something stupid.' The words Jane told her this morning stealing her thoughts, could anybody else tell him? In all honestly, Rob is as likely to phone Tracy and she'd tell Peter. She had to beat them to the punch.

'What now?'

'Put the baby down.' She warns him, worried he'll get so mad he'll drop her.

'What have you done?' He asks, putting her back down in the Moses basket. 'Carla? Are you ill?'

'You know I've been struggling, struggling with the whole family thing. With Johnny and all of that, it's been really making me upset. I wanted to know why I was so unwanted, why I made everyone so unhappy.' He doesn't know where she is going with this, as she feels the tears pooling her eyes. 'I've never been loved, not by my parents.'

'Johnny loves you.'

'Peter, he ignored me for forty years, not coming clean. Not until I'd cost him money and there would be ramifications for him.' He doesn't know what to say because that was the sort of it, no matter how you dressed it up, she'd always been unwanted. 'It didn't matter that I went through hell growing up, I wasn't important to him. He didn't love me.'

'He does care.' She shakes her head.

'He does now. I can't describe it, I thought it was fine, but having her and getting all these feelings, it's been making me feel and stuff. Watching you with Beatrice, more so her than with Si, maybe it's because he's your son and he's always been there, but it's made me angry. And hurt, I feel so hurt that I was so unlovable. I think that's why I've been so hot and cold with you; you didn't deserve that.'

'You know that I love you.' He's lost for words, slightly confused. 'How does this relate to your decision making?'

'Please don't shout.'

'Okay.'

'Promise me.'

'Promise.'

'I went to see Rob.' She whispers, her voice barely audible. 'He was the only one I knew that might be able to help me.'

'And?'

'And what?'

'Did it help you?' She can see how hard he's trying. 'Seeing him.'

'Yes.' She whispers, 'it proved to me how much I want to be a good mum and a good partner. You're too precious too me, both of you.'

'Well that's something. Did you tell him anything?'

'About?'

'Us? Beatrice.' She shakes her head.

'He scared me, he kept questioning me if I was pregnant, cause I was talking about mam. Then he asked me about my child. I don't think he knows; he was clutching at straws.' She replies, as the baby lets out a wail, she's hungry. Yet again. 'Peter, I'm sorry.'

'What you do is none of my business.'

'Peter, don't be like that.'

'Like what?'

'Like that. Say something.'

'Well I'm not happy about it, Carla. But it's not my decision, if it makes you feel better, I'm not going to question it.' He promises, watching his partners face scrunch up as the child continues to cry.

'Can you pass her here, please?' He obliges, sitting on the sofa watching her adjusting her clothes, as she soothes the baby's cries, before a suckling sound echoes throughout the room, as he walks off to go and get the glass of water she'll inevitably ask for.

'Thank you.' She whispers, as he comes back.

'I'm just going for a shower.' She watches as he walks off, not glancing around to her, like he usually does.

-CS-

'Where are you going?' The woman asks, yawning as he appears at the door, watching her wind the baby.

'I'm going to a meeting.'

'Peter, I'm sorry.'

'For what?'

'You know what?'

'No, it's fine. You did what you had to-do for you and that was the most important thing love. I was thinking about going anyway, I haven't been for a while.' He tries to hide the empty feeling he's feeling inside. The hurt that she's unwittingly caused. He doesn't think she meant it maliciously, but Rob ruined his life. And hers. If he hadn't killed Tina, they'd have had a healthy six-year-old daughter, but he had. He'd been done up for a murder he hadn't committed as he grieved for his marriage and the daughter he never knew, but it turns out he wanted so very much. He only realised that too late. It may have been nearly seven years ago, but it felt as if it was yesterday.

It was times like this, when he was upset, that he needed a drink. She had upset her, but he didn't want to take it out on her. He wished she'd trusted him enough to be honest.

But that was it.

Trust.

Today had highlighted that she still wasn't sure, she didn't trust him. Not like she used to, he's spent years cleaning up his act, but she didn't trust him. Not really. And that was like a stab in the heart and he felt like it was bleeding out and he needed to stem the bleed. The first solution, to him, was to have a drink. That's why he had to go out of the house and to a meeting, before the worst happened.

It would give him time to think about what's happened and what his next move was because, right now, he wasn't thinking rationally.

'I love you.' She croaks, as he heads towards the door. He thinks about not replying, but that wouldn't be fair.

'I love you too.'

A/N Thoughts?

Also, I mentioned this on twitter but for those who don't follow me, I want to clear up that this isn't going to be a whose the daddy fic. I've had a few messages/reviews asking that and I want to clear that up- it just wouldn't work.

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