Anytime
After she'd locked up properly, Miranda grabbed a snack from the kitchen and walked up the stairs. She took her phone off of the charger and pushed a few buttons. She took a deep breath as the phone rang. "Hello," a voice said over the phone.
"Hey, mama. Are you sleeping?"
Miranda's mother cleared her throat. And if Miranda knew her mother at all, she had been asleep and she was now sitting up so that she could listen better. "No, I'm not asleep. I was just watching TV."
"Oh yeah? What are you watching?"
"Well, uh, it's a commercial right now, but I was watching "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives." Miranda nodded. "So, what are you doing? It's—what—11 o'clock there?"
"Yes, ma'am."
"Shouldn't you be asleep?" Her mother asked motherly. Miranda heard her father in the background ask her mother who she was talking to. "Your child called me."
"Hi, daddy," Miranda responded.
Her parents shuffled the phone. "Hey, baby. How are you? It's late; shouldn't you be getting your rest? I bet you have surgery in the morning."
"Uh, I don't actually. That's what I called to tell you guys."
"Don't tell me that you've quit surgery!?" He sounded upset. Miranda was a little pleased, he'd put so much blame on her that she didn't think he'd ever get it, get her career as a doctor. Honestly, a person could never really get it unless they worked in the hospital, but he'd forgiven her for the divorce, like it was all her fault in the first place. Never mentioning the part that Tucker played in their crumbling marriage. But his agitation about the possibility of her quitting, made her smile, he finally understood how important her job was to her.
"What?!" She heard her mother screech. "She quit surgery? Put her on speakerphone!"
"Elena, relax. Mandy, hold on." Miranda smiled. Her parents were such good people, great characters. "Miranda?"
"Yes, sir?"
"What did you want to tell us?" Her mother asked with authority. The kind of passive-authority that she'd used on Miranda in her younger years. It made her want to tell her parents the truth even if she knew they'd be mad at her. She needed to spill her soul and her parents gave her two outlets to do just that. Miranda took a deep breath and told her parents everything. Everything. She told them about Tuck's fight in school and how it was an isolated incident, but Tucker was making their son take boxing lessons and she wasn't 100% about that. "Oh, God." She told them about Tucker and his pregnant wife and how it kind of made her want to have a baby, too. "I do need another grandchild to spoil." That segued into her gushing about her relationship with Ben. Saying how happy she was out loud made it all real. "He's such a good boy. Didn't I tell you Will? I told you he was perfect for Mandy, didn't I?"
Miranda smiled and took another breath. She was glad that she'd built them up before she told them about Damon. She didn't know where to begin so she started at the moment her son asked her to go to the park that morning. She told her parents about how Damon's attack on her had sent her into a mini-spiral of depression and hell that she wasn't totally out of yet. Her parents listened intently without interrupting. She heard her father clear his throat and her mother gasped a few times. She couldn't and didn't want to tell them all of the sexual and degrading details, but she wanted them to know about her pain and she knew their words would encourage her. When she was finished, there was silence. "Miranda Bailey," her father said sternly. As soon as he spoke a few tears dropped from her eyes onto her hands. She knew he was angry. Not at her, but at the situation.
"Yes," she answered sniffling.
"One. Stop crying. Two. Why didn't you tell us sooner?" He said. "We could have flown out to help you, to be with you."
"I know. I was trying to be… I don't know. I don't know, daddy. I just don't know."
Her mother spoke: "How are you feeling? Are you okay? Do you need something?"
"Mama. Mama, I'm fine. I swear. Ben has been great. He's taken care of me and, honestly, I'm all talked out about the situation, but I j-just wanted to tell you guys."
"I'm sorry you went through that, baby," her mother responded.
"Yeah, Miranda. It's not your fault, okay. Don't be so hard on yourself. It's that fucking idiot's fault. My bad, Ellie. But, she's hurting and we're not there and now I feel bad."
Miranda took the phone from her ear and put it on mute so that they couldn't hear her growl loudly. She took the phone off of mute. "Daddy, don't. I'm making it." She'd used the same phrase with The Chief. "I'm really okay. I have you guys and Tucker and Tuck and Ben and The Chief and Callie and I-I'm okay. I'm not scared of Ben's touch anymore, I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of being alone or staying home with Tuck. I'm okay. I'm not great. I'm not back to my normal self and I'm starting to think I won't ever get back there, but I'm going to try to get as close as I possibly can. So, don't pity me please. Don't feel at fault for something you couldn't have possibly stopped." Miranda exhaled. "Something that I couldn't have stopped. I've felt guilty enough for everyone. I'm over that."
"I trust you, baby. I really do," Elena said to her daughter. "Just do me one favor… Promise me that if you need to talk to someone that you'll call me. Any time of day. Call me."
Miranda nodded. "I will. I will. I will. I'm sorry for waking you guys up."
"I'm glad you did," William told her. "Do you need any money or do you need us to come out there?"
"Yes, to the money. Always," Miranda chuckled. "And you two… don't have to come out here. I mean, obviously, you're my parents, you can if you want to, but it's not necessary. Really." Her mother laughed at her rambling. And the three of them chatted for a while. It was nearly 12:30 in the morning and though it was only 9:30 on their side of the country, she wanted them to get a goodnight's sleep, so she wrapped up the conversation. "Okay, mama, daddy. I'm going to get some shuteye."
"Okay, baby, we love you so much," her father said.
"Yes, we do," her mother echoed.
"Thank you, guys. I love you two. I'll talk to you soon." It wasn't until her parents disconnected the call that she realized how hot the phone was against her cheek. She looked at her notifications bar and saw that Ben had texted a couple of times and had even attempted to call her, she'd ignored that one. She sent him back a quick text: Sorry this is so late. I was talking to my parents. I told them about everything. Mostly about you. J
She sent the message and lie back on her bed. She had dozed off when another text message came through: ahh i got it. i wasnt worried sweetheart. what did they say?
Im not putting the entire convo into a text. Ill tell you later. Im gong to bed now.
*going She laughed at her mistake and added. I love you, Ben Warren.
After a few minutes had passed and he hadn't texted back, she assumed that he'd fallen asleep and decided to do the same thing.
When Miranda woke up, it was 10 o'clock in the morning. She sat up in bed and noticed that she kicked off most of the covers. She got out of bed and stretched her muscles. She wanted to take a walk, but she also wanted to eat breakfast. She decided on the latter and made her way to the kitchen. She made herself a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich and went into her living room and turned on the news. There was a story about a man getting bitten by a coyote and being rushed to Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Butterflies danced in her stomach when she heard the hospital's name. She knew that if she'd been working, she'd be working on the man, trying to save his life.
She heard her phone ringing in her bedroom and reluctantly she trudged up the stairs to get it. "Goooood morning, sweetheart." Ben's voice was bright and happy. It was too early for that jolliness.
"Um, good morning to you, too."
"Don't sound so grumpy."
"I'm not grumpy!" She exclaimed.
"It's a great day."
"Is it now?"
"Yeah." Miranda made a noise as she walked back down the stairs. "Plus, an amazing woman told me that she loved me this morning, very, very early this morning." Miranda sat down on her sofa, putting her feet up. She closed her eyes and smiled a wide smile.
"Really? And what did you say?"
"Nothing."
"Well, do you love her?" Miranda asked him yawning.
"I do."
"So, why didn't you tell her that?"
"Because everything I want to tell her doesn't fit into a text. I want to tell her that I do love her. That it's only been a few hours, but I miss her. I want to tell her that she makes me happy. And God knows that I hope I do the same to her."
"I think all of that would have fit in a 160-character text message."
"Oh okay," Ben said and she heard talking in the background as her phone buzzed.
"Hold on one second," she told him while she looked at the text message. It was from him: Miranda Bailey, I love you. Its only been a few hours but I miss you. You make me really happy and I hope to God that I do the same to you.
Miranda blushed as she read it a few times. "Miranda?" Ben called out. "I know I didn't lose connection in this garage… uh, I hate—Hurry up, Peterson! Son, the doors are closing." Miranda heard the elevators sound and a young man apologize. "Hello? Miranda? Peterson, hold these please. And this. I want those deli—Miranda?"
"Yes, Ben Warren!" She said excitedly.
"Oh! I thought you were gone."
"Then, why didn't hang up?"
"Because my hands are full and I'm using my Blue Tooth."
"Thanks for the text, baby. It's sweet."
"You're welcome, sweetheart. Anytime." Peterson asked who the coffees were going to. "The Chief of Surgery and Dr. Callie Torres, Orthopedics."
"Wait, what? You got them coffee?"
"Yeah, is that a bad thing? Should I stop Peterson?"
"No, it's not a bad thing. It's really nice of you. How'd you know what kind of coffee to get them?"
"Shoot, I just got them black and put a couple of sugars and creamers in the bag, they can dress it up however they want." Miranda laughed. "You sound good. How was your night?"
"It was good," She answered and she told him about her conversation with her parents.
"That's so good. I'm glad you told them and, you know, let them in." The two of them talked a little longer while Ben mentioned that he was going to get dressed because he had surgery in an hour. She imagined him pulling off his shirt and slipping into his scrubs and she imagined him dropping his jeans to the floor and pulling his dark blue pants on. She didn't hear him ask if she wanted to have dinner. "Miranda?"
"Yes?"
"Did you hear me?"
"Not really."
"Dinner. Tonight. Me, you and Tuck?"
"Um… I'll take a rain check. I just want to hang out with Tuck tonight."
"Okay. Well, I'll call you sometime later. Tell Tuck I said 'whaddup!?' And say it the same way I said it, too."
"I'm not going to do that, but I will tell him that you said 'hello'."
"Sounds good. Alright, sweetheart. I gotta go."
After hanging up with Ben, Miranda took a shower and got dressed. She needed to run a few errands. She needed to go to the bank and to go to the grocery store, there seemed to be nothing good in her pantry, cabinets or refrigerator. Then, she stopped by the bookstore. It had always been a place of solace for her and even though she hadn't finished the last book she'd bought, Miranda wandered around the store in search of another that would be interesting. As she glided through the aisles of the children's books, looking for one that Tuck might like, her phone rang. It was loud and made many people turn to look at her. "Uh, don't look at me like that. It's not a library, people," she said before answering it. "Hello?"
"If it's not a library, why is it so quiet and why are there so many books?" Callie's voice said. Miranda laughed and shook her head. "So, this is what you do when you don't go to work? You go to the bookstore and make noises in the children's section?"
Miranda laughed again at her best friend. "Can you see me? Where are you?"
"Turn around," Callie said. Miranda did and saw Callie with Sofia sitting on foam blocks a few feet away. Miranda squealed as quietly as she could and Callie did the same. She walked towards them and Callie stood up. They hugged. "I've missed you, girl."
"I know. Sorry I've been MIA."
"It's because you have a new love in your life."
"What do you mean?" Miranda inquired as she knelt down to talk to her niece.
"It happened with Eli, too. You get a new boo, right? And then you don't talk to me for days."
"Well, I know you're not talking." Callie looked confused and amused. "We haven't had nearly as many nights out and long talks since you got married."
"True, but marriage is different or something."
"Fine." They sat on the blocks and watched Sofia roam around in the kiddie area and make new friends. "You know what? My boyfriend had one of his residents deliver you a coffee and you're not there to receive it."
"Aww, that's sweet. I'm not. Tell him to get me one tomorrow." Miranda nodded. "So, how've you been, girl?"
"I've been okay. I'm good. Better than I was that night and the morning after, you know. But I feel alright."
"That's good. Have you talked to anyone? Maybe told your parents?" Miranda told Callie about Angela and how she'd called her parents last night. "Amazing. So, you're getting over the sacredness and the guilt?"
"I am. I really am. I mean, it can't possibly be my fault that a wacko tried to rape me, right?" Callie shook her head and Miranda smiled. Miranda looked at her best friend and was grateful that she had her and that they had each other. The three of them left the bookstore and went for a late lunch. "So, tell me everything that I've missed the last couple of days, the gossip and whatnot. And anything funny that Bokhee said." They giggled and fell back into their rhythm of friendship. Miranda told Callie about her budding relationship with the anesthesiologist and Callie dished out the dirt on who was sleeping with whom. Apparently Bokhee'd said that if everyone kept up their laissez-faire sex lives that there would be another outbreak of syphilis on the surgical floor. She remembered the syphilis outbreak of '05. It seemed that everyone had it and everyone was forced to sit through a seminar with Patricia teaching them how to apply condoms, using a banana. Callie and Miranda laughed until tears came down their faces. Sofia looked back and forth and them and started to laugh as well. This made them laugh harder until their stomachs ached. They couldn't even tell their waitress what they wanted for dessert. She politely smiled and left them the bill. "Oh, man…. Girl! I needed that laugh."
"Me too. I've been so worried about you. I love you."
"I love you, too. Nothing to worry about. I'm good." They left the restaurant and parted their ways. Miranda checked the time and realized that it was time to get Tuck and she could not be late. She and Tuck needed to get back to their schedules and she was never late if she could help it. She got into her car and drove to his school. She watched as the kids filled the playground outside while they waited for their parents and guardians. Miranda noticed that the ice cream truck was parked across the street. She hurried over and grabbed one for her; she hadn't had dessert and one for Tuck. She walked over to the fence where he sat probably finishing up his homework. Next to him was a little girl who was reading a book. She was dark-skinned girl with glasses and had braids in her hair and they were pulled into a ponytail. She was adorable. She must be Tami, Tuck's girlfriend. She peered through the gate and said: "Hey, little boy, would you like some ice cream?"
He looked up and his eyes became wide with happiness. "Mommy! Yes!" He stood up and ran to the gate. The girl didn't look up from her book. "Tami! Tami! Here's my mom." The girl's head jerked up and she stood shyly behind Tuck. Tuck held the girl's hand and it warmed her heart. This was the girl that he fought over.
"Hello, Tami," Miranda said to the girl. "I've heard good things about you."
"Hi," she said quietly. When she smiled, Miranda saw that she was missing her two front teeth; Miranda instantly understood why her son would battle someone else for her. The doctor was willing to fight anyone who spoke ill of the girl, too.
"Would you like some ice cream?" Miranda asked holding out an ice cream to the girl. She nodded and took the ice cream through the fence. She gave Tuck his. "Tuck, I'm going to sign you out. Meet me at the desk. Tami, nice to meet you." The girl sucked on her ice cream and waved. Miranda and Tuck got into the car and Miranda listened to her son talk, his mouth moved 50 miles an hour. She smiled and laughed, hearing his voice was one of her life's greatest joys. They stopped at Wendy's and got some burgers and fries. They went home to eat and continued their conversation.
"I talked to Pop-Pop this morning," Tuck said while stuffing fries into his mouth.
"Yeah? What did you talk about?"
"He asked about school and boxing and basketball and if I was okay."
She looked up from her food. "What did you say?"
"I told him I was okay and that I was worried about you."
Miranda held Tuck's hand. "I promise you, I'm okay." She squeezed his hands and smiled.
Tuck finished his homework and the pair of them snuggled in her bed to watch a movie, "First Kid" with Sinbad. It was an older movie, but one of Tuck's favorite. Ben texted in the middle of the movie: I assume that you are busy. So Im not going to call until you say its OK
She sent him a message back: Give me an hour or so… then call.
Alright sweetheart
She went back to watching the movie with her son. Three quarters into the movie, she heard him snoring lightly. She woke up him and helped him into his own bed. She put on some light music for him and left, leaving the door cracked. In bed, she took a deep breath. She said quiet prayer thanking God that she was able to be with her son and spend time with him and grateful for being able to stay in her house without fear. Two seconds after she said 'Amen," Ben called her. "Hey, baby," she said into the receiver.
"Miranda, the sound of your voice electrifies my body," he said in a low voice. Miranda smiled and bit her bottom lip. "What are you doing?"
"I'm just lying in bed, praying to God."
"He's always good to talk to," Ben said. He sneezed.
"Bless you." Ben thanked her. "What are you doing?"
"Would it be trite if I said that I was thinking about you?"
"Only if it wasn't true."
"There isn't much that I'll tell you that isn't true, sweetheart." He sounded so sincere. The only thing she could do was believe him.
"How was work today?"
"Oh, a couple of light surgeries, nothing too hard, no losses, thank God."
"That's good."
"How was your day?" He asked Miranda. She told him about her day and her errands.
"Sounds intriguing."
"Yeah, I suppose. Oh and Callie said you can give her coffee in the morning. "
"Gah, the best friend is making me work, eh?" Miranda nodded. "You know what I wish?"
"What's that?"
"I wish I could have gotten a chance to see you today."
"I know. I wanted to see you, too." Ben said he could be over in 10 minutes. She laughed. "No, I'm still taking time for myself."
"Well, let me know when I can come over. And kiss you. And touch you and just be with you, okay?" Miranda's mouth dropped open and her body tingled. If he didn't say all of the right things, she'd shut her mouth. Miranda cleared her throat and told him that she would. "Okay. Baby, don't kill me, but I have to cut this call short because I have an early surgery."
"I'm not mad. Just know that I will do the same to you in the future."
"Ohhh, so we do have a future together?" He asked chuckling.
"I… I don't know. I guess. What do you think?" Miranda asked him struggling to get the words out and throwing the question back at him.
"I don't think we have a future together," he said.
Miranda rolled her eyes. She gasped, sucked her teeth and sighed all with one breath. She spoke slowly at first: "Excuse me, Ben Warren? What do you mean you don't know if we have a future together? So, what? The last couple of weeks were just, um, nothing? So you wanting to kiss me and hold me are just—just things to tide you over until you find someone else? Hunh? And I thought you loved me? Clearly not if you don't think we'll be together much longer." Ben started to speak, but Miranda kept going. "Maybe we should just quit now while we're ahead. I mean, if that's how you—"
"Miranda! Are you finished?"
"No, not really."
"Well, I want you to be done anyway," her boyfriend said sternly. She was taken aback, but she didn't speak. She waited. Miranda heard him take a deep breath. "I do not think we—"
"I know… you said that."
"Would you shut up?" He said laughing. Miranda laughed as well. "I don't think it—because I know we have a future together." She gasped and stayed quiet. "That's what I thought. Miranda Bailey, I love you. And I'm focused on our present, but I also imagine our future. It sounds like to me that you're the one who's not sure."
"Can I say something?"
"You can say anything you want," he told her.
"I only said that I wasn't sure because…," her voice trailed off.
"Because of what, Miranda?" Ben prodded.
"Because I don't want to seem vulnerable. I don't want you to know how much I really care about this relationship or about you."
"Miranda. I know you're tough. I get it. But you don't have to be that way with me. And I want you to be vulnerable because I'm putting myself out there, too, being just as vulnerable. Okay?"
"Okay," she said finalizing everything. They were quiet for a while. Miranda dozed off and thought Ben had done the same. She called his name quietly: "Ben?"
He yawned: "Yeah, baby?"
"Are you asleep?"
"No. I'm just thinking with my eyes closed."
"That's called dreaming and you should let me go to sleep." Ben agreed.
"I'll talk to you later."
"I love you," she said genuinely and it made her heart dance. And it was a feeling she never got tired of.
"I love you, too," he said and they hung up the phone. Miranda smiled at Ben's blinking face on her cell. She yawned and stretched while she got out of the bed. She checked on her son and fell into bed. Before she knew it, she was asleep.