She smiles down at the little girl, currently attacking her breast, 'what are you going to-do next week, when I'm not here. You don't like that bottle, but I'm not going to be here.' She tries, wondering if going back to work is the right thing to-do. She needed to go back, but she didn't want to leave the baby. She's worried she'll forget her.

She knows it's irrational, but still. She's spent every day with her, for nearly eleven months, going back, it's a huge step.

She smiles as the baby makes it clear she's finished feeding, as Carla does up her t-shirt. 'Right, you and me, we're going to get changed, hmm.' She gently sways her, she's apprehensive how the baby is going to react to the fireworks. She's currently got a thing for lights, but she's not sure if fireworks count.

She's got ear defenders for her, and she's going to be in the baby sling, on her mother. She thought about letting Peter hold her, but she'd feel better if she was on her. When she's scared, or crying, usually it's Carla that can calm her down. It also made her feel better, because, if she were on her, it meant she would worry less about her disappearing, because she'd be right in front of her the whole time.

'Mmmm.'

'Yes, mumma is going to get you changed. Got a nice sleep suit for you, matches mummy's coat.' She whispers, kissing the fine hair on the baby's head, letting her grab her finger, before grabbing her hair. 'Daddy is just in the shower.' The baby just continues pulling on it. She doesn't bother prying the chubby had off, because until she puts her down, she knows that it won't stop her.

She makes faces, as she dresses the baby, making the baby laugh. It's these little moments that she's worried about, when she goes back to work. The little things she'll miss, the way she pulls a face, or the way she laughs.

'Now there's a sight for sore eyes.' A voice frightens her, 'you and our baby.'

'Shhh.' She smiles, 'you'll 'ave people think I've gone soft.'

'You? Soft? Nope. Never happening.' He teases, pulling her in closer.

'She's my baby, I'm entitled to be soft' she hits back, smirking. 'Are you ready?'

'Yeah, we're going to your dads first.'

'Yep, we're going to the pub.' She can't quite bring herself to say dad. Whilst things are getting better, she's not fully there. Not just yet, she will be, she hopes. Johnny does love her, now. But it is only now. Only since Rob blackmailed him.

He had to be blackmailed in order to love his daughter.

A prospect that scared her.

With her first baby, she'd worried about loving her. When she was gone, it hit her how much she loved her, she'd always love her.

With Bea, even though it was a surprise, she loved her from the moment she set eyes on her. A baby she'd not known about, but all she felt was the need to protect her. She supposed that it was the reason she was so funny with her and letting others in, because she needed to protect her. She'd never understood it before, but she'd die for the tot.

Unlike her childhood, the way no one cared enough about her to protect her, from either parent. At least her mum acknowledged her existence and, occasionally, she showed her love. With Johnny, it were different. Johnny had nowt to-do with her, growing up. When Rob taunted her, about how her childhood could have been different, it hit a nerve.

Because it was true. She could have had all this, but it took money in order for Johnny to admit she was his. Whatever bullshit he sprouted out about not knowing.

Blackmailed him into loving his eldest daughter. She'd never be Kate, nor Aidan, but he loved her, nonetheless. This year, she'd been distracted, and her hormones had been all over the place, lashing out at him and her family. She wasn't in her right mind and she'd neglected to realise, in his own way, Johnny did love her.

Granted, it wasn't as much as Kate and Aidan, but there was love there.

It had occurred to her, it worked two ways.

A give and take relationship. You can't expect to have something if you don't give it. It had made her wonder if he'd felt side-lined too.

She loved him too, deep down. That was never in question. But it was Roy who was the father figure she'd so desperately needed. He was the one who took her in, looked after her with the kidney transplant. She'd put him through the ringer, but he was her dad.

Maybe not biologically, but he'd been there a lot longer than Johnny. He'd been there to love and support her. He was part of her family, possibly more than Johnny.

But she'd spent the last meeting talking to Jane about her family, finally ready to start to understand what this has all been about.

Abandonment, mostly.

And trust.

She'd taken her feelings out on those she loved the most, except Roy. He was too pure for her and she had to protect him.

The need to protect him, and his feelings, was far greater than it was with Johnny.

As she'd talked about that, she wondered if it was the same thing with Johnny. That the desire to protect Kate and Aidan was greater than it was to protect her. It had been amplified when she had a baby, the feelings surfaced. She reckoned that is was because she finally understood the bond between mother and child, the one she had with neither of her parents. She had something with Johnny, but she wasn't sure what it was. The father daughter relationship, she had it with Roy and not Johnny.

Yet, Kate was her sister; Aidan was her brother.

It was just Johnny.

-CS-

'Do you think she's got enough layers on?' Michelle jokes, pulling her friend into a hug.

'Don't squash her.' Carla reminds her, smiling a little bit. 'I don't want her to get cold. We did the whole thing with matching her layers to ours, so hopefully she won't be cold. Plus, she'll be attached to me the whole time, so she shouldn't be cold.'

'I did wonder if you had the pram.'

'It's going to be busy enough without needing a pram.' She smirks, rolling her eyes. 'She's going to be okay.'

'See, look at you, being a proper mum.'

'Shut up' she whispers, as a blush settled on her cheeks. 'I am her mum.'

'Si said we'd meet him there.' Peter tells the woman, as he converses with his family. 'Let's go.'

'I'm not fancying this walk.' Carla moans, Michelle smirking. 'At least I don't have heels on.'

'I'm very surprised' her friend admits, linking her arms with the woman.

'Then again, no one saw me as a mum.'

'I knew you'd be a brilliant mum. The moment I saw you with her.'

'Hardly.'

'Stop putting yourself down, she's your little girl and look how happy she looks.'

'She doesn't know what's going on.' She smiles, still looking down, 'you know she's one next month.'

'Bloody hell.'

'We're 'aving a party. Do I even need to bother giving you an invite?'

'No.'

'Tell Ryan he's invited.'

'Tell Ryan what?'

'Where the hell did you come from?' Michelle jumps, 'I didn't know you were coming.'

'Just behind you, what am I invited to?'

'Bea's first birthday party, next month.'

'She's a year?'

'Don't, I don't know where it's gone, I think the first few months I was in this fog, and now she's nearly a year.'

'Mental, hmm.'

'You know, I'll hold her, if you want.'

'Ave you gone soft, Ryan?' He looks down bashfully, shaking his head. 'Awh, look.'

'She's a cute little baby, well behaved.'

'Not at the moment, she's not. She's still teething. I know she's in pain, but I'd quite like to get some sleep.' She tails off, grabbing the mitten clad hand.

'I heard you're going back to work.' Michelle starts, as they arrive at the red rec, Carla was right, it was busy. 'Carla.'

'Uh, yeah, Monday. I know I need to take the step, I'm working two days a week and working from home for three, I managed to keep working when I were shielding, so this is a tried and tested system. Peter will look after her those two days.'

'That's nice. Ease yourself in.'

'Exactly.'

-CS-

'I invited Johnny to her party.' She whispers, as she lies the baby down, having finally stopped screaming.

Turns out, it hadn't been the best idea to bring a baby to the fireworks, the lights didn't intrigue her, the noise scared her. Even with the ear defenders. She'd finally cried herself to sleep. She hoped that no one else would let off fireworks, like they had been all evening, as she's finally knocked herself out.

'I did wonder, I saw you speaking to him.' She can feel his eyes burn on her as she starts to undress.

'Enjoying the show, Mr Barlow.'

'What can I say, I've got good taste. Anyway, you and Johnny?'

'We had a nice conversation; I'm really trying with him. He is my father, after all.' He notices the way she's started using father, rather than Johnny. A step forward, he supposes. She's grateful he doesn't say anything, as she realises what she's said.

'I'm really proud of you, love.' He whispers, placing a chaste kiss on the nape of her neck. 'It's a step in the direction of normality.'

-CS-

'Right, she's been fed, she'll nap at 10, after her mid-morning snack. She has lunch-'

'Carla, chill. You'll be gone eight hours, max.' They both know it will be longer, adding in travelling time, but she keeps this in her mind. Makes it less daunting. 'We'll be fine, I've looked after her so many times, love. I'm capable of looking after my baby.' He knew that this wasn't a trust thing, it was leaving her. It was a big step for her.

'It just seems so long.' She confesses, worried she's going to break down in tears. For the third time this morning, once as she was giving her baby a cuddle, the next in the shower. Now she was worried she'd smudge her mascara. 'What if she forgets me?'

'Did she forget me?'

'No' she stutters, biting her lip. 'I just need one more cuddle.'

'Right, one. Otherwise, you'll never go.'

'Okay' she whispers, inhaling the scent of the baby shampoo. 'I love you, bumble bee. Make sure daddy sends me plenty of pictures.'

'I promised, didn't I.' He sighs, prying her from her mother's grasp. 'Now, work. Say bye bye, bumble bee.' He grins, waving her hand.

'You're such a weirdo.' She tells him, unlocking her car.

-CS-

'Mrs C.' Sean cheered, 'it's great to see you.' She le ts out a little smile, trying to mask her feelings. She's been gone twenty minutes, tops, and she already misses her little girl. She never thought she'd feel like this, the factory was her baby.

Except, now she had an actual baby, it was different. Leaving her, she felt like her heart had shattered into little pieces. She felt like the worlds worst mother, except she knew she was lucky to get so long off, but it didn't make this day any easier.

Even if she knew that she needed to be back working. They needed the money, and she needed a life outside the house.

Re-finding her identity.

She'd lost it somewhere over the last few months, but she knew how important it was for her to find it again. She wasn't just a mother, daughter or a girlfriend.

She was Carla.

A fiercely independent woman in her own right.

She'd been able to find it once; she'll be able to find her again. This was the first step to this.

'You saw me last week, Sean-y.'

'I know, but it wasn't the same. You weren't being the boss.'

'I was just a little busy.' She smirks, as he shakes his head.

'No baby with you? You could have brought her in.'

'I think she's a little young to work in a factory.'

'We could look after her.' Kirk suggests, making her shake her head.

'I don't think anyone would be able to work.' She tries, 'anyway, I've got a meeting with the big boss, so I'll see you later.'

-CS-

'So, how'd it go?' Peter asks, handing her a cup of coffee, as she falls down on the sofa. 'She was fine.'

'It was fine, a bit of a shock. I'm shattered, everyone asked where she was, like I'd bring her into the factory.' She laughs, shaking her head. 'I loved the pictures.'

'I thought you might, we had a good day. She'll be ready for bed, after tea.'

'Where is she?' She looks around the room, in a blind panic. Wondering where she's gone.

'Crawling somewhere.'

'Peter, please say you've been keeping an eye on her?'

'Of course, I have, she's in the playroom.'

'I'm going to see her.' She tells him, abandoning the coffee. He goes to tidy up, as he hears her shout, running into the room, worried something bad has happened. He stops in her tracks behind her.

'Is she?'

'She's walking.' She grins, tears of joy pooling her eyes, 'my little girl is walking.'

A/N thoughts?