A/N I just want to say thank you all so much for taking the time to read this and all your lovely reviews, you've all been so kind, but this is the final part. Let me know what you think.

'How are you feeling today, Carla?' The woman asks her, as she smiles a little.

'Beatrice is one on Monday.'

'Monday?'

'I can't believe it' she murmurs, 'so much has happened, some days I never thought I'd get here. I thought I'd wake up and I'd be in some sort of nightmare.'

'Nightmare?'

'It's been good, on the whole. But it's been hard, it's been so hard.'

'It's normal to feel like that, especially if you didn't know about her until she was born.'

'I thought she was dead.' She whispers, 'she didn't cry, not at first. Then she did and I cried, then I nearly died.'

'It sounds very traumatic.' She lets out a tiny snort, traumatic is one word for it, it was certainly that.

'Do you think it impacts the way I parent?'

'What do you mean?'

'Do you think, that, because it was so hard at the beginning, I've become overprotective? Or I've parented in a different way?'

'Do you think you've become overprotective?'

'Yes. At first, I struggled. Even leaving her with Peter, at times, was hard. I just couldn't. I've got there, I know he won't do anything to hurt her. He loves her.'

'You said last time that you were worried about Peter?'

'I am.' She admits, shaking her head, 'The wedding, you know the one I ran out from. Well, I said some horrible things, as I've told you and, I don't know, I just think they can't go back in the box. Especially accusing him of killing out first baby.' Jane remains silent, watching the woman's body language. 'I won't ever forgive myself for thinking that, let alone telling him.'

'Do you believe that, Carla?' She probes, looking down at something, 'I'm not judging you, but you've mentioned it to be before.'

'No, I don't.' She eventually gets out, deep down she knows she doesn't, 'I think we were both to blame. I should have slowed down, I should have listened to my body, when I started cramping. I put myself under tremendous amounts of stress, we both did. Peter, he started drinking, I was a workaholic.'

Was. She thinks, she was. Except, now, the factory, she did still like it, but it didn't come first. Not anymore, she should have slowed down, but she didn't. The baby died because of stress; they think. Stress can be anything, Peters drinking didn't help, but he didn't kill her little baby. She knows that and, she also knows, she needs to get her temper under control.

'But I really wanted her and, as much as I love Bea, she stirred up feelings I couldn't cope with, at first it was the hormones, I think. I felt so low and I don't know, having a baby around, it was hard. It was so hard. All I could think of was my first baby, can I call her that? It was a miscarriage, it wasn't a still birth like my nephew, or like when my best friend lost her little boy. It was a miscarriage. I don't know if I could call myself her parent.'

'You were.' Jane tries gently, 'she was your little girl, that's all that matters, she was your daughter, and nothing can take that away from you.'

'It just hurt. Then there was getting married. I swore I'd never get married, but everything just seemed perfect when he proposed, I thought that maybe I did want to get married. As I got nearer, I got more nervous and I thought it was just because weddings make me nervous, I've had enough of them. At that point, I just couldn't say no. Everyone was so excited. I can't explain it, but being at that wedding, it transported me back to 2013, when all I could think of is how he got with the babysitter on the night of the wedding. Then I thought of her and my little girl. Things I'd buried. They'd been too painful to confront, but they'd started to ebb their way into my thoughts, after Bea was born, they became questions that I didn't have the answer too. Questions I've never been able to answer.'

'It must have been hard.' The woman tries, her eyes darting between the piece of paper and the woman sitting in front of her.

'I had a breakdown a few years back, I thought I'd killed my sister's fiancé, it was the brink of everything unravelling. I found ways to cope, trying to keep my head above the water, trying not to drown. I don't know why I felt like it. Some of the stuff I said to Peter, it wasn't me saying it. Obviously, it was, but I couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't. It was like I were a different person, the person I was back then. He tells me he's forgiven me, but I don't know how.'

'Why not?'

'Because, I'm a terrible person. I've done so many terrible things in my life, I don't deserve to be happy. Every shot at happiness, it comes apart. You know, Beatrice means happy, and she makes me so happy. She's everything I've ever wanted, things I didn't realise I wanted, but there's always something in the back of my mind, telling me I don't deserve it. That's why I say these things.'

'Carla, I'm sure that's not true.'

'No, it is. Then I have my dad.'

'Your dad.'

'Biologically, yes. I have a father figure in my life, whom I love dearly, but there's my real dad. Johnny, I've mentioned him. He didn't come into my life until he was blackmailed by my baby brother. That hurt, again, I think my hormones messed me up. I got into a fight with him and refused to talk to him for months.'

'And how is that now?'

'We're on speaking terms. I'm not supposed to know this, but he created a role at his pub, purely for my best friend, slash cousin, because he could see I'm struggling, he gave her a reason to come back.' She takes a sip of the water, letting the cool water trickle down her throat, a refreshing feeling. 'He did that for me, he could have hired anyone, but he managed to persuade Michelle to take the role. I've struggled with the idea of him loving me, it's been hard. It's getting better though; we went to a fireworks display, and we've spent time together.'

'Fireworks? That's nice.'

'On the red rec, Bea likes lights and we thought that she'd enjoy the fireworks, turns out she didn't. She spent the whole time wailing and wouldn't sleep. It didn't help that I was going back to work on the Monday.'

'How was that? You said you were nervous?'

'Oh, I was.' She admits, 'but it was like riding a bike. Once I was back in the saddle, it was fine. I enjoy what I do, underworld was my life for so long, I keep coming back to it. I don't know, like the mothership of something.' She gets a chuckle out of the other woman in the room. Going back, it was different, she was different.

'I miss my baby, though. I've only gone physically into work for two days a week, and any meetings I might need to attended, the rest I do at home. That's one thing shielding taught me, even though I felt like a caged animal, I can work from home.'

'That's good.'

'We have a party, well the sort of party a one-year-old has, this weekend. The whole family is coming, both mine and Peters and I'm a bit nervous.'

'Why?'

'I still feel like there is that tension, the one that was caused by me running out of my wedding. My side of the family, it's different. Both sides are dysfunctional, but he has a lot of family that I feel just judge me. They have done in the past; I think they do now.'

'In the past.'

'When we got together, I was a home-wrecker. I think, this is, where my paranoia comes from. The idea that I wrecked his family, so I deserve it back. The whole thing with Tina, I resigned myself to the fact it was karma. It was like someone threw a rock into my life, crumbling into millions of pieces.

I wrecked his family life, and I really did. Except, when it happened to me, there were two victims. my baby and Tina. I cried for months, over my baby. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die. I wished that it had been me that died, instead of her. Or Peter. At the time, I was just so angry and upset.' She whispers, wondering where all of this is coming from, why she's being able to talk about this. She's never had this conversation, not properly. Some things have seeped out, like on her wedding day, or when she was consoling Nick over his miscarriage. But this is the first time she's getting the words out and she's not being judged. Jane, well, she's a neutral party. She wasn't there, it was easier.

'When we got together, everything was such a mess. They hated me, I hated myself, but I loved him. Even though, everyone around me hated me, judging me. Just like they're doing now. Leanne, she'd been my best friend, we were gonna open a restaurant.' She tails off.

'Were you?'

'Yeah, we were. Until I found out she was a prostitute and was sleeping with my husband, then he kidnapped her, after we split, and he ended up in a crash. It wasn't revenge, never. Peter and I, well, we bonded after I went to an AA meeting, I'm not an alcoholic, but I used to put it away.' She takes a deep breath, 'I'm glad I went sober, because I could have done Bea some real damage. I'm so lucky I didn't.' She whispers, 'I am so thankful of that. I could never live with myself. But his family, I know they judge me. They all think I'd start Peter back on the sauce. I thought I'd put him on the sauce, again.'

'But he didn't?' She shake her head.

'He did, when I had my breakdown. I disappeared and he thought I were dead. Anyway, he came out of rehab and it was hard for him, I was in a right state. I thought I'd been microchipped.' She takes a moment, breathing out slightly, 'like a dog.' Jane takes a minute to study the woman.

'Do you feel like an animal?'

'What do you mean?'

'Do you ever feel like you're an animal.'

'I do think I've become caged.' She whispers, 'I don't feel like some sort of animal, but I felt like I was in a cage, being laughed and pointed at. At times, I felt little more than a performing animal. Not just as a child, but an adult. My first husband, I were a trophy wife more than anything, always trying to put me in my box. When I were little, I was neglected. I was the reason my mum could drink so much, she let me starve, I married our Paul and got out, my brother became a criminal. Growing up, it were hard. And I'm determined not to let Beatrice experience any of that, it's not fair on her. I am doing everything I can to make sure that doesn't happen.'

'It sounds like you're doing a brilliant job.'

'I don't think so. I've got so much going on in my head, I just think I'm shit. I know we've just talked about it, but I can't get over what I said to Peter.'

'Why?'

'Because I don't deserve it, his forgiveness.'

'Maybe you need to talk to him.'

-CS-

She'd thought about speaking to him that night, but they were busy setting up for her birthday, the next day. They were busy and they were tired by the time they were able to go to bed, this conversation, it wasn't going to be pillow talk.

They'd talked about it briefly, not that Peter pried; he knew that it was private. It had made a big difference to her, so he didn't need to know. She'd told him that they'd talked about her feelings when she gave birth to Beatrice.

It wasn't a lie, more, a bending of the truth.

But she knew she had to have it with him, it was important.

So that they can move on, as a couple.

-CS-

'Now, where is the birthday girl?' A voice calls, appearing in the kitchen, where she's setting up the final bits of the party. If you can call it that.

'She's not one till Monday.' She can't bring herself to say dad, not just yet. But she will do, she will be able to call him that, she's surer of that now.

If she didn't think it would freak Roy out, she'd have called him dad. But he'd hate that. He was a huge player in her life, and he would be in Bea's life too, the same, if not more, as Johnny would be. They were a little family.

'Tit for tat.' He grins, scooping her up, the baby protesting indignantly.

'A year ago, I didn't even know I were pregnant.' She points out, smiling as the baby grabs his ear.

'Why haven't you got any decorations up?' Kate asks, sauntering into the room with Peter, 'it's December. And advent calendars don't count. You have to celebrate Christmas.'

'We are, but it's a deliberate move.'

'Oh, eye.'

'She's a December baby, we don't want her birthday to be morphed into one with Christmas, it's not fair on her, so we decided that we would put them up after that.'

'He's got you there, Kate.'

'I suppose it makes sense.'

'I mean, it may be that she grows up and wants them up before, but she needs to make that decision, we certainly won't be putting the three up before her birthday.'

'Well, if you get a real one, it only lasts a few weeks, if that.'

'And we won't be having a real one, all that mess. Anyway, now she's walking, and she's so near talking, she'd eat it or something.' Carla smiles, 'c'mon, this is me. Can you see me with a real tree?'

'No.' Kate laughs, as Johnny looks pensive.

'Nearly talking, aye. Where has that time gone, how have you gotten so big?'

'You can tell she's dying to speak, it's so funny.' Peter laughs, wrapping his arms around his partner. 'And cute, it's so flipping cute.'

The doorbell rings again, Carla going to get it this time.

'Chelle.' She smiles, bringing the woman into a hug.

'Let us in' she grins, 'it's freezing.'

-CS-

'I must say, Carla, this looks beautiful.'

'I can't take all the credit, Ken, it were this one here. He thought of it, you know, bumble bees. We did it together.' Ken smiles, looking around at the décor, the pair have gone all out making it special for the child's first birthday.

'All very cosy.'

'Right, Trace, please stop it.' Peter questions, 'our relationship is none of your business. The wedding, again, none of your business.'

'But.'

'No, no buts.' Peter meets Carla's eye, smiling at her gently, which just adds to the guilt she's been feeling.

'What are you doing, on 'er actual birthday?' Maria questions.

'Not a lot, we're both off work, do something with her, maybe. Probably go to the rovers. See what she's feeling like, if we've had no sleep, we might have to rethink that.' Peter grins, watching his sister cuddle the baby. Whatever she said, they all knew how much Tracy cared for the child, although she'd never admit it, she did. All these comments, he liked to believe, came from a place of care, for him.

He just needed them to realise that they didn't need to stick their oar in all the time, it wasn't their place. It was between him and Carla.

No one else.

That's why he hadn't mentioned what was said, not to anyone. He won't lie, when he thinks of that comment, it makes him want a drink, a drink to forget. But then remembers that was part of the problem, him drinking. Him reaching for the bottle.

Regardless of what he thought, he'd known he'd contributed to it. He'd made her life hell for the first trimester, drinking and missing the scan. The stress he put her under, of that, whilst running the factory, almost single handily.

He won't ever forgive himself, but he's trying to move forward. And that's why he had to forgive her, the resentment, it wasn't fair. She clearly felt terrible about it, maybe a few years ago he'd have let her suffer, but she's so vulnerable.

He's worried she'll have another breakdown.

The stakes are so much higher now, he had to protect her. Just like he did their daughter.

'You know she's too young to drink' Simon jokes, taking a sip of his coke. 'She's only one.'

'Damn, there we were thinking of giving her a nice glass of wine, start 'em young, I say, what'd you say, Peter?'

'I'm with Carla on this one, birthday drinks and all.'

'Stop it, you two.' The pair laugh, as Carla rests her head on Peters shoulders, smiling gently. 'I like what you've done with this place.'

'Thank you, it's not finished. Now she is more mobile, we're having to rethink some of it.'

'Oh God, I remember when Bertie started walking, bloody nightmare. Honestly, good luck. You don't know what's hit you.' She was walking, but not all the time.

'Aye, do you remember when Ryan started walking.'

'Oh, you were a little terror' she grins, 'you really were. Ran rings around everyone.'

'At the age of one?'

'No, when you got a little older, duh. Before you became a bratty teenager, only interested in your uncle Paul's wallet.'

'That's not true' he protests, 'I did like you 'n uncle Paul.'

'Hmm, Liam was a nightmare too. Either it's a boy thing, or a Connor thing.'

'Definitely boy' Johnny adds, 'Kate was a good, but Aidan was a little terror.' Carla bites her tongue, managing to stop the comment she was about to make, in its tracks, instead smiling at the man. A sign that she was getting better, maybe? Like it was all slotting into place.

'Anyway, who wants cake?'

'Daddda.' She cries, as her dad picks her up from Adam's lap, before they cut the cake. She has no clue what's happening, but upon her dad picking her up, she finally said her first word. The rest of the look between the trio, laughing at the horrified look on Carla's face.

'Aye, I caught that on camera.'

'What?' Carla looks at her best friend, she hadn't noticed her friend.

'Daddaaaa.' She tries again, placing her hands on her dad's cheek.

'You have to be joking.' She mutters, a hint of jest laced in her voice. 'You, my little bumble bee, your first word should have been mama.'

'Sucks to be you' Peter teases, kissing her daughters head, watching Carla light the candles on the cake.

-CS-

'Is it okay to be offended that she said your name first? Right, I'm the one whose looked after her, but she says your name first.'

'I'm just her favourite parent' he grins, finishing up the drinks she was making.

'I can't believe she's one, in a few minutes.' Carla tells him, pulling the blanket up around her, with the gentle hum of the TV in the background. The clock is on the countdown to her daughter's birthday, she's met with mixed feelings. 'This time last year, I had no clue. I thought it were period cramps.'

'It was certainly a surprise.'

'Do you think we've done okay?' She questions, as he goes to sit down with her. 'All of this, it's been strange. We were so unprepared, it's been tough.'

'There are some days that I just wanted to reach for the bottle' he admits, lacing his hands in hers. 'The days where everything went wrong, I wanted to blot it out, but then I remembered her. And you.'

'Me? Why?

'I love you; I don't want anything to happen to you.'

'Peter, I've been vile to you.'

'I've put you through the ringer' he reminds her, yawning. 'I really have, you've forgiven me so many times, what else is there to-do?'

'Peter, I accused you of killing our baby, I have no right to be forgiven.' A blanket of silence falls over them, 'I don't blame you; I hope you know that.'

'I do. Carla, you were probably tired, and stressed.'

'I was, but it was no excuse.'

'Maybe not, but I've said some horrible things to you, and you got over them. It works two ways.'

'Not like that. What I said, it were unforgiveable.'

'See, it's this that annoys me.'

'What'd you mean?'

'This, right, you can't take it back, but it had some truth in it.'

'No, it didn't. I was the one that put myself under the tremendous amount of stress, I should have listened to my body, not done any of that. I was hitting out, being in that office, in a pretty dress. It took me back, the hurt I felt when we ended. I'd been able to lock it away, but it was everything. Each wedding has been a failure. I don't want this to fail. All I could think of was you, of us, back then. We're good together and we don't need a piece of paper.'

'It's okay, I shouldn't have proposed.'

'No, I know why you did. Peter, I know it came from a place of love. When I accepted it, I thought it was a good idea. Us being married, not just because Bea would have married parents, but because I loved you. But then, as it edged nearer and nearer, all I could think of was then. It became about us then and not now. I were scared. The whole trust thing, I do trust you, I know you love me and wouldn't do that again. Deep down, I know that, but' she trails off, looking over at the clock.

'It's okay. What I did to you, it was unforgivable, and I mean it when I tell you it was the worst decision of my life, I'd go back in a heartbeat to change it, but I know it will be there.'

'It's not fair, though. You've done so much for me, looking after me when I was sick. You came out of rehab, I jeopardized my recovery, yet I had the audacity to accuse you of killing the baby. To not trust you. Peter, I've been awful.'

'I'd rather just know how you're feeling, Beatrice, she threw everything off kilter. I adore her, she's my little bumble bee, but I wasn't expecting her. I wasn't even the one who gave birth to her, your emotions were all over the place.'

'It's not an excuse, Peter. It's really not. I was horrible and you didn't deserve it.'

'Carla, stop.'

'No, it's not fair, you have to know that. You have to know that I didn't meant to say it, Janes helped me a lot, when it comes to this. She's helped me gather my feelings. Going to her, it really helps.'

'That's all that matters, you.'

'But what about you? I've struggled to cope, and you haven't said anything nasty to me. You managed to keep it it.'

'You also didn't cheat on me, breaking my trust. The scars, they're going to be there. You can do things to cover them, get them to fade. They're not going to go; we just know we have to work past it. That's what matters, you need to realise that.'

'Thank you.' She whispers, kissing his knuckles.

'Always remember that I love you. I'd never stopped, but you have to know that I do. We're a family.'

'I struggle with your family. I ran out of the wedding, not you. I know they weren't happy about that; we had a shot at happiness and blew it. Your family hates me.'

'Carla, they don't. They might not understand, but they don't hate you. As for the happiness, do you not think this is what happiness is? Everything here is perfect. It's been tough, it's going to be tough, but we're stronger as a team. You need to realise, this parenting malarkey, we're a team and I love you. If there is love there, it's all going to be okay. We can muddle our way through it, we have been doing so.'

'Of course, I love you, I love you so much. I just hate myself.'

'Well stop that, you and I we're so good together. I'm not going to pretend that it didn't hurt at the time, because it did. But it's okay, I know you were just lashing out', you didn't mean it.'

'One in four pregnancies, they end in miscarriage. We don't know why it happened, not for sure. It wasn't fair of me accusing you of that. It wasn't, it could have been anything, but I do know one thing. I know I loved her. And I wanted her so much.'

'I did too.' He whispered, examining her. She looks tired and a little older than she did the year before, not that she wasn't still stunning. But a baby adds to the stress, there were day's where he wondered if she'd ever get better, get back to being herself.

Or a new version of herself.

He's changed too, the baby has changed him. He thought because he was already a dad, that he'd be okay. He thought that because he had Simon, this would be easy for him.

But it hadn't been.

But he was getting there, they both were.

'Aye, look we're nearly there.'

'I think we should go on holiday.'

'Now? It's nearly midnight, I'm not sure we can book anything right now.'

'No, but we should. Somewhere nice and hot. Her first holiday, she'd love it.'

'Got anywhere in mind?' She pauses, looking at the clock. '10'

'9'

'8'

'7'

'6'

'5'

'4'

'3'

'2'

'1.' They say in unison.

'Happy birthday Bea.' Carla whispers, 'not that she can hear me.'

'We'll wish her happy birthday when she wakes up.'

'A whole year.'

'365 days.' She smiles, taking a deep breath. 'So, this holiday, I want to go on. I'm thinking Spain.'

'Spain.'

'We both like Spain. It's pretty, the food is good, and it has some great music.' She grins, standing up, 'I'm sure she'd love it too.' He smiles, knowing that it's Carla that wants the holiday, going along with it.

'You don't want to go anywhere too far, not fancying a long plane journey, just yet. Maybe in a few years' time.' He lets out a little laugh, as they gravitate towards the nursery. Bea's first night alone.

They thought she'd put up more of a fuss, but she didn't. A bittersweet moment.

'Her first night alone.'

'Happy birthday Bea.' She whispers, 'I love you too infinity and beyond, bumble bee.' The baby doesn't stir, as Carla leans into her partner, wanting to say something, but not quite getting the words out, she's too chocked up, as Peter whispers something into her ear.

'Me Duele El Corazon, mi amor.'