Dim All the Lights

Before Miranda opened her eyes the next morning, she hoped that she hadn't experienced another night of sweating. And every fiber in her body prayed that when she turned on her side, that Ben would be there. He had to be there. She felt her shirt. Dry. Thank God. She licked her lips slightly and looked over to what she called 'his side of the bed'. Empty. No one was there. The covers were still tucked in. Miranda took a deep breath. She didn't even want to check her phone. No good could come of it. It would either be full of calls and text messages or the notifications bar would be nearly empty. She said a quick prayer thanking God and got out of bed. While in the shower, she went over her list for the day. Tuck would be dropped at school by Tucker and she'd pick him up. Maybe they would go out to dinner. She was always worried that they didn't spend enough time together, just the two of them. There was the bimonthly meeting at the hospital that would be starting in about an hour of a half. She had to be there for that and she wanted to be there, not just on time, but early. The seats filled up quickly and she did not like standing while the meeting droned on. Then there was the situation with Ben. The water ran off of her body as she stepped out of the shower. He either didn't get her messages and calls or he did and didn't respond or he did respond and she didn't get them. Damn it, technology. But he could have just come over. Putting on her jeans and her shirt, her mind was so full and so loud. Should she get breakfast at the hospital? Call Ben again? Could Tucker pick up Tuck just in case she had an emergency surgery? Did she have hypothyroidism? Was Ben okay? Sitting in the meeting, she tried to focus on what the Chief was saying, so she pushed her impending questions to the back of her head. She listened to the conversations swirling around her. Nothing made sense. To her, it was a meeting about nothing. And she just wanted to either get into surgery or get home. She wanted to bury herself in an open body cavity or her comforters. Everyone was arguing, but saying the same thing and because they weren't listening to each other they were giving her two headaches. She was already frustrated and it was too early for this shit. "Okay, okay," she said quietly at first. No one heard her; that was Mandy's voice. "Enough!" She shouted. Every head turned in her direction. "People, you're arguing like schoolchildren, but at least a child would have thrown a punch, made it entertaining. This is boring. You're all saying the same thing." A few of them looked away, guiltily. "Robbins, you and Shepherd agree that the kid needs surgery and you don't know where to start, ask the next person, someone might have some clarity. Then, if not, you know what I always think works best."

"Rock, paper, scissors," Derek said with a smile.

"Rock, paper, scissors," she repeated. "Figure it out."

"Exactly," the Chief started.

Miranda cut him off. "And you—"

"Uh-oh," he said and everyone except Miranda laughed.

"You're acting like it's your first rodeo. This meeting is an abomination. So much time has been wasted. I'm ashamed." Richard made a face making her have to bite the inside of her cheeks to keep from smiling. No one said anything, just stared between her and the Chief. "So, if there's nothing else, fallI have patients and so do all of you. Meeting dismissed." Miranda picked up her folder and left the room, leaving the door wide open. She heard behind her back: "Holy crap, when she becomes chief." She smiled as she made her way to the room of her first patient.

"Bailey! Bailey! Wait up!" She heard the Chief call out to her. She pretended that she didn't hear him and she kept walking. "Dr. Miranda Bailey, I know you can hear me." Miranda jerked her head and stopped in her tracks. He caught up to her. "I thought so." She smiled. "Now, I want to talk to you about doing something for me."

"Like what?"

"I'm supposed to be doing interviews and tours and such for a new General fellow and I need you by my side."

"Am I ever anywhere else?" Miranda said under her breath.

"When you are sarcastic there is a real edge to it." Miranda shook her head and gave him a face. "You are grouchy today."

"Am I?" She asked. "Ugh, I'm trying not to let my grouchiness show."

"It's not very convincing," Richard said with a chuckle.

"Sorry. Can we start over?"

He nodded and looked down at her. "I'm doing interviews for the General fellowship. And I will need your help to woo them."

"Woo?"

He cleared his throat. "Yeah, woo."

Miranda put her hands on her hips and looked up at her mentor. She'd had just enough of the men in her life. "And, uh, what about me says 'woo'?" She asked.

"Look, we need to fill this position or you, Grey, Howard and I will each have to nearly double our workload."

Miranda's face showed horror. "We most certainly do not need that."

"Exactly, we don't. So we need some fresh talent that's ready and able and willing to slide into the role."

"Okay."

"So, I'm asking as the Chief, please, woo their socks off."

Miranda sighed loudly. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. She didn't want to focus on anything except cutting. And she was late. "Fine. Just for you, this once, I will woo." She walked away, her assigned residents falling into step with her.

"Their socks off?" He asked to her back.

She stopped walking, but didn't turn around. "Do not push it."

"You two. Let's go," Miranda said gesturing them into the room. "Ross, present, please." She gave a smile to the patient and waited for Ross.

"Yes, ma'am. Cason Dillon, 17. He came in after a run-in with a soccer post while playing in the park."

"Labs?" Miranda asked.

"Looks like a grade IV splenic lac, possible rupture," Ross answered swiftly.

"So?" She asked looking at the other resident, Heather Brooks.

"Right. So, we need to prep him for ex-lap," she answered in a confident voice.

"Good. Do it." She asked the family if they had any more questions. Once all questions had been answered, Miranda exited the room. "Ross, you're with me." Miranda saw the young man roll his eyes and sigh deeply as he followed behind her. "Problem?" She asked over her shoulder.

"No, ma'am. There was som-something in my eye," he said lying.

"Okay," she answered leaving it at that. She had enough on her mind besides worrying about her beleaguered resident.

"It's just that I was kicked off of Cardio by the new Cardio Attending." Miranda turned around to face him. "Everyone knows Cardio is my thing." Miranda shook her head a little. "It's not?" He asked worriedly.

She looked up at him and leaned in a little. "Look, if Pierce thinks enough about you to kick you off her service, she either wants you to learn more about other specialties, is trying to see how much you're really into Cardio or she just doesn't like you." He opened his mouth to respond. "Now, this is not the kind of conversation you should be having with me, your Attending. This is the kind of conversation that you need to have with your friends over bottles of tequila or vodka. Are we clear?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ross said.

By the end of the day, Miranda didn't feel personally accomplished. The questions which had been bugging her at the beginning of the day were still floating around in her mind. She sat on her stool and pulled off her sneakers, putting on her flip-flops. How was it possible that she hadn't seen or heard from Ben all day? She'd even scoured the OR board in hopes that his name would jump out at her. Nothing. She finished getting her things ready to go home when her phone rang. Excitedly, she answered it without seeing who it was. "Hello?" She said.

"Mandy?" Tucker's voice hit her ear.

She couldn't hide the disappointment in her own voice. "Yeah."

"Good to hear from you, too," he said with a chuckle.

"What's up, Tucker?" She asked. Usually she didn't mind their back and forth, but today she was uninterested.

"You're okay?" The question was filled with so much concern. This wasn't Tucker Jones, father of her child. This was Tucker Jones, one of her oldest friends.

"Yes, I'm… fine." He didn't respond. "I'm good, so what's going on?"

"Just calling to see if you needed me to pick up our child."

"No, I'm leaving the hospital now and I'm on my way to his school," she told him as she walked out of the hospital and towards her car.

"Good. And then you guys are going home?"

"Um, no, I thought we'd go out to dinner, just the two of us."

"Where's Ben? You're kicking loverboy to the curb for the night?" Tucker laughed loudly. When she didn't join him, he stopped. "Mandy? Did I say something wrong?"

"I don't know where Ben is," she said calmly. "Hold on, let me turn on my Bluetooth." She pressed a few buttons, taking her time. She knew that as soon as she returned to the call, that Tucker would interrogate her as to what was going on and the honest answer is that she was clueless. "Hello?"

"I'm here," he said. "But, um, you go and get Tuck and I'll call you back later."

Now her ex-husband was driving her crazy. "Alright. Bye." Miranda shook her head and continued the drive to Tuck's school. Pulling up to the building, she spotted him hanging upside down on the jungle gym. Her heart skipped a beat. It looked so dangerous. She wanted to slither through the gate and pull him down from the bar and onto the ground where he'd be safe. She took a deep breath and walked across the street to get him. Seeing her, he ran over to her, nearly knocking her over. What had she been so worried about all day? When everything that was most important to her was in her arms. She kissed the top of his head. "Hey, baby," she said.

"Hi, mommy!" He said happily. They walked to the car. When they were buckled in, he told her that Tami was back at school fulltime.

"That's great, Tuck!" Her mind briefly flashed back to the little girl lying in the dark on a cold floor, her flesh exposed. And then to the girl in the hospital bed. She started to feel guilty again, but a scene of Tami and Tuck reading books outside appeared to her and she smiled. "That's really good. How is she?"

"She's better, but she's not shy anymore," he said laughing.

"Just keep an eye on her, okay?" She said. Tuck nodded. At a red light, said: "I thought we'd go out to dinner tonight, someplace fancy. You're up for that?" Miranda looked at her son in the rearview mirror.

He looked at her and smiled. "Yes."

"Good. So, we'll go home and get all dressed up and then we'll head out."

"Cool!" He said. "Is Ben coming, too?" His eyes tried to find hers in the mirror. Miranda cleared her throat and didn't answer. "Mommy?"

"I don't think so," she said dragging the words out. "This is just for us."

"Okay." The music in the background filled the silence and Miranda was grateful when he asked her to turn up the music. He danced in his booster seat.

Driving down her street, she saw a familiar car in her driveway. Her heart pounded in her chest as she pulled up beside it. Ben. Before she unlocked the car doors, she told Tuck that they had fifteen minutes to get dressed. Impatiently, Tuck nodded and hopped out of the car and ran up to Ben who'd gotten out of his car. "Hey, Ben!" Tuck exclaimed.

"What's up, LT?" Ben asked taking glances in Miranda's direction.

"Nothing, we're just about to go to dinner. Wanna come?"

Ben looked at her, his eyes apologetic. She shook her head at him over Tuck's head. "Sorry, bud. I have—I actually have to go in to the hospital, so maybe next time, okay?" Tuck nodded.

"How about you go inside and get dressed, William George?" Miranda interrupted.

"Alright."

She leaned against her car. "Do I need to help you?" He shook his head wildly. "Okay. Fifteen minutes." Tuck nodded and ran up the stairs.

Miranda and Ben both watched him go into the house. When the door closed behind him, Ben took a long step in her direction. "Miranda, we should talk—"

"I really can't. Right now. I have to go," she said crossing her arms.

"Can I say that I'm sorry?" Ben was trying to make eye contact.

Miranda refused. If their eyes did connect, she might forget why she was upset in the first place and she didn't want to. She focused on a point just beside his head, the house across the street. She stared at it. "You can."

"I am so sorry, baby," he said touching her elbows, moving closer to her. Miranda could smell his cologne. It was so intoxicating; it made her want to wrap her arms around him. She resisted. "I was in surgery and then I wanted to… I should have told you. I should have called. I should h— "

"Yeah, you really should have done all of that," she answered pulling her arm from him. "I have to go." Miranda moved past him slowly. She wanted him to stop her. She wanted him to pull her in and feel his body against hers. But she didn't want to start an argument and that's where this was heading. She needed time to cool down.

"Can I come over later?" Miranda shrugged slightly and walked into the house. She closed the front door behind her and watched Ben back out of the driveway through the peephole. Miranda locked the door and clambered up the stairs. She was tired. She'd admit that. To wake herself up, she took off her clothes and jumped into the shower. After putting on a pair of black pants and a red shirt, she went downstairs to see her son sitting on the sofa watching TV. He'd put on a pair of khaki pants and a blue button-up shirt. He looked so handsome.

"That was more than fifteen minutes," he said with a smile.

"And who made you the Keeper of Time?" She asked putting her hands on her hips. They laughed. "Ready to go?"

"Yes!" She held out her keys and he took them and headed for the car. Miranda smiled to herself and followed her son out of the house. As she walked over the threshold she was reminded of the key that she'd left for Ben. She didn't know if it was still there or if he'd picked it up. She didn't know if she wanted it to be there or not. Miranda leaned down and pulled at the corner of the mat and heard her car horn sound. She jumped. "Mommy! Come on!" Tuck yelled out of the window. Miranda put the corner of the mat down and sighed. At this point, it didn't even matter. He didn't come over last night and that was the point. She locked the door and went to the car. When they were both buckled in, Tuck asked her where they were going.

"Honestly, I don't know," she told him with a chuckle. "Where do you want to go?"

"I don't know," he said laughing. "I don't know the places."

"We could go to 'La Crème'. They have good food."

"Okay. I am hungry." Walking into "La Crème," Tuck and Miranda were seated immediately. "I like this place!" He said loudly.

"It's nice, right?"

"Yes," he said sitting in his chair. Miranda sat down. "Wait!"

"What? What?" She said looking at her son.

He got out of his chair. "Stand up."

"Stand up?"

"Yes. I forgot to do something."

"Oh, well, alright." Miranda stood up from the chair and watched her son walk around the table. He pushed her chair into the table and then pulled it back out.

"Now, you can sit down."

Miranda smiled widely. "Well, aren't you a gentleman?"

"I saw Ben do that for you."

At the sound of her boyfriend's name, Miranda's heart sped up. "Yes. Yes, he does." She swallowed hard. "Thank you, baby."

Tuck walked back around the table. "You're welcome, mommy." They ordered their food and while they waited, they talked about their days and their weekends. She asked about his time at his dad's. How was Jaida? "Good." Was he still excited for the baby? "Kinda." He put a piece of bread into his mouth and started to talk.

"Chew first," she reminded him.

"Brian B. just had a baby sister and he says she cries all of the time."

"Yeah, babies do that." They kept talking. Once the food came and they prayed, Tuck suddenly got really quiet. Miranda knew what was coming.

"Mommy, why didn't Ben come?" Tuck asked. She continued to eat her food, taking small bites. "Mommy?"

"He had to work, William George."

"Oh. Are you two fighting?" His questions were so simple, but they were hitting on very sensitive nerves and she was trying not to be short with him. It wasn't Tuck's fault. She was pissed at Ben

"What? Why would you ask that?" He shrugged. "We're not fighting. And even if we were, that's not something you ever have to worry about, okay?"

"Yes, ma'am." Tuck reached to grab his water, nearly knocking hers over. "Sorry! I'm sorry!"

"It's alright. It's fine," she told him quickly. "No harm done."

"At least I didn't spill the drink all over the table like Ben did." Tuck giggled maniacally.

She shook her head slowly. "Why are you talking about Ben so much?" She asked.

"Because I like Ben," he told her simply. Miranda picked up her glass and took a sip. "And Ben likes me."

"He does, does he?" Tuck smiled and nodded. "How do you know?"

"Because he told me when he gave me my NBA game. I love that game," he said with a smile.

"Yeah, you do."

The waiter came back and asked if they wanted dessert. Tuck did, but Miranda convinced him that it'd be best if they went to the local Diary Queen and got some ice cream. He agreed and they left the restaurant.

After ordering their ice cream, they sat down on the benches in front of the little store. "And you know what else he said?"

"Who said?" Miranda asked.

"Ben."

"When?"

Tuck laughed loudly, getting some ice cream on his cheek. "You made a rhyme!" Miranda handed him a napkin and he wiped his face. "Ben! At his house. When he gave me the game."

"Oh, what else did he say?"

"Well, he told me that we were friends and that he cared about me. And that no matter what happened, that he would always care about me." She put the cold ice cream against her front teeth to keep herself from tearing up. Even when she was furious with him, Ben always found a way to make her feel good. "And he said that he loved you and would do his best to, um… make you happy."

Miranda cleared her throat trying to get rid of the lump. "Anything else?" She asked nonchalantly.

"Yes. He said 'thank you'."

"'Thank you'?"

Tuck nodded. "He said the game was a gift. A 'thank you' present.'" Miranda started to interject. "He thanked me for letting him be with you a lot. I told him it was okay because you're always smiling and happy and stuff." He was so adorable. "And because you say 'yes' more now." Tuck giggled. And so goofy.

Miranda joined in. "Is that so?" He nodded. She reached out a hand to tickle him. He tried to move away and his ice cream fell on the ground. He looked up at her and they started laughing uncontrollably. Walking through the parking lot, Miranda put an arm around her son's shoulders. He was getting bigger. And he was a really cool kid.

"I like hanging out with you," he said as they buckled their seatbelts.

"You do?" She asked. He yawned and nodded. Miranda knew that he would be asleep before they even got home. "I like hanging out with you, too."

Pulling into her driveway for the second time that day, Miranda saw Ben's car in the exact spot that it was when she left. She wondered how long he'd been sitting there. He got out of his car and looked in the backseat. Seeing Tuck, he pulled her son out of the car and walked behind Miranda up the stairs and into the house. She opened the door to Tuck's bedroom and brushed against Ben as she moved closer to the bed. He walked out of the room as she tucked her son in. Miranda sat on the edge of Tuck's bed and said a silent prayer for him. If she ever felt that she was a failure in life or that there wasn't anything that she hadn't done wrong, she could look at her son and know that she wrong. He represented everything that was good in her life.

Backing out of Tuck's bedroom, she bumped into Ben again. She was so nervous. She was biting the inside of her cheek so hard, she could almost taste blood. "We gotta—" Miranda put up her hand and walked past him and down the stairs. She sat down on the sofa, running a hand over her forehead. She almost didn't trust herself to speak. Speak. Where in the world did she begin? Did she tell him how she was feeling? Put everything on the line? What if he really ended up moving away? A long-distance relationship? Could she give it a try? She loved Ben and it had taken her a long time after Tucker to find someone she truly loved. She didn't want to lose him. And should she tell him about her pregnancy scare? What if he got upset with her because she'd kept it from him? Miranda took a deep breath. In reality, Miranda didn't know what to say. Ben sat down next to her, he was so close. His cologne filled her senses again. He looked at her and leaned over to kiss her cheek quickly. She didn't stop him. "You look good, baby."

"Thank you. I had a hot date with a really fun guy. A really fun and young guy." Ben raised his eyebrow and cocked his head to the side. "Tuck. Tuck was my hot date." He flashed a wide smile; she blushed.

They were quiet. She didn't know what he was thinking about, but her head was full of questions. Ben's voice brought her back. "Don't be mad at me."

"I'm not mad."

He turned to her, their knees touched, sending a shock through her body. "I was giving you space."

"Excuse me?"

"I was giving you space." Miranda rolled her eyes. "No, listen. I was tied up in surgery when your calls and messages came in. And when I got chance to respond it was late and I didn't want to disturb you and then I figured that I would give you—and me… give us some time to think and give you some time to be mad at me. I know you have to be mad at me."

"I'm not mad," she repeated. "I'm a little furious, but not mad."

He nodded. "Well, as long as you're not mad," he said. He licked his lips and smiled.

Miranda tried to hide her smile. She gave in, letting it spread across her face. It quickly faded. "I… didn't want any space between us. That's why I called you back and left the key under the mat. I want any space. I didn't need any space." They were quiet.

"Tucker called me," Ben told her.

"When?"

"Earlier. He said that he'd talked to you and asked about me and knew something was wrong."

"And?"

"He cursed me out." Miranda exhaled through her nose. "I tried to explain, but he wasn't listening."

"That's why you came over?"

Ben nodded. "And because I wanted to see you and apologize. And because he cursed me out… good."

Miranda was still. She had to remember to tell Tucker to mind his own damn business. And then she had to thank him. She wondered if he'd cared that much when they were married. Miranda stood up and headed to the kitchen. Ben followed her. She poured a glass of wine without offering him any. They walked back to the living room. Ben sat down and waited for her to sit next to him. When she didn't, he reached up and gently pulled her down. He took a breath and stared into her eyes. "I got accepted into the surgical residency program at UCLA."

"I know that—"

Ben put a hand up to stop her. "And I should have told you as soon as I found out. I wasn't keeping it a secret, I just didn't know how to tell you—I still don't know how to tell you that I may have to move to California."

There it was. Miranda held onto the glass of wine, her grip tight. "When did you apply?"

"We weren't even a thing. It was before we even officially met," he said with a slight smile. "And I only found out a few days ago, I swear. I was going to tell you. Of course, I was." Miranda slowly tasted the sweet wine. "I love Anesthesiology, but I wanted to do something more, something different, something—," he searched for the right word.

Miranda knew exactly what that word was. It was one of the reasons she got into surgery in the first place. "Inspiring."

"Yes!" He said excitedly and she knew by the look on his face that he had to go. If he didn't go, he'd always wonder about his potential. And if he stayed for her, because of their relationship, she'd resent him. "When I didn't hear back from any schools or programs, I figured that I didn't get in and, honestly, I wasn't upset about it. Because I have you and Tuck. And everything is great. I guess I just didn't think that it would actually happen." He chuckled a little. "I did it on such a whim. I called Steve one day and told him this crazy idea that I had about me becoming a surgeon and he said 'go for it'. That's all he said." He put a hand on her knee. "I guess a part of me didn't tell you because I didn't want you to think that I was a failure because I couldn't find any place to start my residency."

"I wouldn't have thought that. I think you're brave for stepping out and trying something new especially after you've already mastered one specialty."

Ben blushed. "Thank you."

"You're welcome," she said putting the glass to her lips. The smell of the wine mixed with his cologne. She even caught whiffs of her own perfume. The blend was heavenly.

Ben took a deep breath. "Right now, I'm debating whether I should go or not."

Miranda swirled the wine around in the glass. She looked down at it, making sure none of it spilled out. "You have to." She could feel Ben's eyes on her. She spoke again, still looking at the liquid. "There's no debating it, you have to go." She met his gaze. "An opportunity like this doesn't come often. And you have to take advantage of it." She took a sip of her drink and placed it on the table. She looked at her boyfriend. He was so handsome and so skilled and when he left, she would miss him. "I'm happy for you, Ben. It's amazing that you got accepted."

"Yeah, right," he said with a smirk.

She cut her eyes at him. "Ben Warren, I do not give out false praise." His posture changed. "I once told you that you'd make a great surgeon. I didn't say it because you have a great smile or because you're a nice guy. I said it because it's true. You're talented. You'll go to California. You'll do good and you'll be great."

Ben took Miranda's hands in his. "I am so, so sorry. About everything."

"It's okay," she said quietly. She sighed deeply. Should she tell him? Miranda shook the question from her head. "I understand."

He leaned in and kissed her. She grabbed his face and pulled him closer. His hands wrapped themselves around her body. He took his lips off of her mouth and put his face into the nape of her neck. "I'm a fool, I should have come over last night."

"Yeah, you should have."

"Sorry about that, too." Miranda smiled as he kissed her again. She pulled away from the kiss and stood up. Taking him by the hand, she led him upstairs. He held onto her waist as she checked on her son. He was still asleep.

In her bedroom, Miranda asked if he wanted to stay the night. "Only if you want me to."

"I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want you to," she responded. She smiled at him.

"Okay," he said and he took off his jacket and pulled his shirt over his head, his undershirt rising a little.

"I'm going to the bathroom, I'll be right out." Inside of the bathroom, Miranda's mind was on blast. The questions piled on top of themselves. What she really needed was to be able to push pause on the noise in her head. She could hear her phone ring in her room.

"Miranda, your phone!" Ben called to her.

"Answer it, please."

"Are we at that point?" He asked with a laugh.

"Hurry up and answer the phone, man," she told him as she washed her hands. Miranda cleaned her face, doing a facial routine that she was supposed to do every night, but one that she hadn't done in a long time. She stepped out of the bathroom. Ben was sitting on the edge of the bed shirtless. He played with the phone in his hand. "It's only been less than ten minutes, but my skin feels so great. I can feel the difference already." She laughed at her own comment and went to her dresser. She took off her dress and dropped it to the floor. She unhooked her bra and let that fall to the floor as well. Quickly, she slipped into a t-shirt. Miranda looked at Ben in the mirror. He was staring at her cell phone with an odd expression on his face. She knew that look. Bad news. "Who was that on the phone?" Ben didn't answer. With her pants in her hands, she walked to the bed. "Who was on the phone, Ben?"

"Torres," he said looking up at her.

Deep breaths, Miranda. She wouldn't panic. "What'd she want? Everything okay?"

"You tell me," he said shortly.

"What? What did Torres say?"

"Is there anything you want to tell me?" Ben asked standing up.

Miranda put her hands on her hips. "Tell me what she said." Miranda's heart was pounding. She didn't know what was going on.

"Are you pregnant?"

"What?!" Miranda said loudly. "No, I'm not." Miranda inhaled and exhaled quickly. "And God! Ben! Don't scare me like that!" She hit his chest.

"I'm sorry," he said. "Torres said that she thinks you are. She heard you throwing up in the bathroom and you've been avoiding her. And you made her promise not to talk to me about it."

"Which she obviously failed to do." Ben glared at her. She met his glare. "I'm not pregnant."

"Then, why would she say that?"

"Because I thought I was."

"You thought you were pregnant and you didn't tell me?!" He yelled.

"Lower your voice!" She whisper-shouted. "My son is across the hall." Ben put up his hands in a wordless apology. "There was a good chance that I was going to tell you."

Ben sat back down on the bed. "Miranda…."

She sat next to him and fingered the fabric of the pants. "I was having night sweats, my period was late and I'd thrown up a couple of times." He looked at her. "In the back of my mind, I thought I was pregnant, but I saw my doctor and I took a test. I'm not pregnant, just stressed and maybe a little sick. That's it." Miranda stared at him. His brown eyes looked tired. "Say something."

"Do we not trust each other?" She opened her mouth. "Because we're keeping things from each other, big things, things we shouldn't."

Miranda tried not to blink and release the tears welling in her eyes. "I trust you," she told him simply.

"Then why keep it from me? A baby! Miranda! That changes everything."

"There is no baby," she responded curtly. "Nothing has to change. So you can just up and go to California and leave me here." She waved her free hand at him.

"Is that what you think I'm doing? Leaving you?" She didn't answer. He tried another question. "Okay, so why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I was mad at you! I was livid. I had to hear from your mom that you were leaving. And you know that she was all too happy to tell me that you're moving away." The tears fell and Miranda was pissed. She didn't want to be crying right now. He wasn't even gone yet and she missed him already.

"Miranda…."

She shook her head. "I was going to tell you last night, but you didn't come over. And then…. I w-wasn't going to tell you because the test was negative and you would never have to know about it."

"Did you want it to be negative?"

"Excuse me?" Miranda asked turning to look at him.

"The test. Did it want it to be negative? Or did you want it to be positive?" She swallowed hard. Scotty had asked her the same question. She shrugged and wiped some tears from her eyes using the pants. "Sweetheart, talk to me."

Neither doctor spoke for a long time. Ben slid an arm around Miranda's naked waist and she put her head into his chest. He rubbed her arm and kissed her forehead. She inhaled deply. "Yesterday, I wanted it to be negative. I was angry at you and your mom and you were leaving and I wanted you to have a clean break, no extra baggage." Ben kissed her again. "But two days ago—two days ago, I would have relished in the idea of a mini-us."

"You could have told me, Miranda. You should have told me. I would have been there for you. I will always be there for you."

"I know, but I was nervous and my body was all over the place and I didn't know what was going on. I was scared, Ben." She stopped talking and waited for him to respond.

"I love you."

"I love you," she said sincerely. Miranda stood up and headed for the bathroom. She put on the pants and wiped her face. When she came out of the bathroom, he was right outside of the door. He hugged her. They got into the bed and under the covers. Ben rolled against her back. Her body softened at his touch.

"Maybe I shouldn't go."

"You're going," she said with a yawn.

"But being away from you is not something I want to do."

"You want to be a surgeon?"

"Yeah."

"Then, it's something you have to do."

Ben's hand grazed her butt. "I have something else to ask you," he said into her ear.

"What's that?"

"I want to know if we… could still be 'we'." She turned to face him. "I don't know if you were assuming that we'd stay together, but I'm not taking any chances. I'm coming right out and saying that I want to be with you. I want our happiness to continue."

Miranda laughed nervously. "You know, in the movies, the guy would have asked the girl to marry him." Her eyes widened at the realization at what she'd just said. She started to rectify her statement.

But he didn't miss a beat. "You want me to propose?" He looked into her eyes. He was smiling.

She didn't know what that meant. "No! No, no, no, it's too soon, right? Yeah, way too soon," she said answering her own question. "No. Of course not!" Lord, what had she gotten herself into? Ben just stared at her. She shook her head.

"Damn, do I have the plague or the swine flu?"

They laughed loudly. "I didn't mean to be so emphatic about my rejection."

"God, I hope not because I think I'm a catch."

"That you are." Ben kissed her nose and touched the band of her pants. "I was just pointing out the clichés that we often see in the movies, not that they apply to us."

"Mmm," he said yawning.

"Have you ever proposed to anyone before?"

"No, I haven't."

"Oh," she told him. Miranda turned back over. If Ben was moving away, how was she to get through long nights without his body against her, his breath in her ear, making her laugh?

"So, uh, just to recap, if I propose, you're going to say no?"

Miranda took a breath and opened her mouth to speak only to find that no words were coming out. She closed her mouth quickly. She didn't want to play this game anymore. The "What-If" game. The proposal edition. "It's been a long day. Can we just go to sleep?"

Ben nodded. Miranda listened to the random noises of the night. She couldn't sleep. "I want to be with you," he said softly. She jumped not expecting his voice so clearly. "I don't want to just pick up and leave you and Tuck." He kissed her neck and then her back. "I'm not gonna sugarcoat it, Miranda. You're the woman I want to share my life with." Miranda was quiet and didn't respond; Ben kept going. "I know you're not asleep." She smiled and he moved his body on hers. "But I will say that we're just at the beginning and I don't want to stop."

Twenty-four hours ago, Miranda was alone in her bed trying to make sense of her life. And now she was in the arms of her boyfriend and everything was perfect again. And while she knew it wouldn't be like that for long, there would be days while he was miles away that she would be feigning to touch him and talk to him, face to face and it wouldn't be enough just to hear his voice on the phone or see him through a video call. So she knew that hard times were coming, but right now… she felt so good. He'd practically repeated his brazen phrase from the very start of their relationship. He wanted to be with her long-term and that included marriage. She couldn't even think about it right now. He was leaving, moving one thousand miles away, how could they keep up a relationship with that much distance between them? How could they be happy? Miranda grabbed Ben's arm from her waist and pulled it up to her chest. "I missed you last night," she said aloud. On one hand, she hoped that he was asleep. But then again…

"I know. I don't know what I was thinking. I—my mom she said some things and in addition to being pissed at her, I was embarrassed and I felt bad for hurting you. I didn't know you were going through something, too." He was quiet.

"I wore your t-shirt last night." All of her insecurities about their relationship were getting put on the line. She didn't want to stop their relationship either. They were doing so well.

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "I was missing you so much that I slept in your t-shirt."

"I missed you, too." He hugged her tightly and spoke into her ear: "That sounds so sexy."

Miranda smiled as goose bumps appeared on her arms. "But, uh…" She ran her fingers along his arm. "And I don't mind, really, but your mom doesn't like me. I saw the satisfaction on her face when she told me about California."

"Baby, I talked to her and I just reminded her that if she wanted to be in my life, then she'd have to accept you and what we have." Miranda smiled. "And she doesn't even have to like you because I love you. I'm in…," his voice trailed off.

"You what?"

"N-nothing. I just really love you."

"You said that."

Ben climbed over her and stared at her. He moved in to kiss her and she accepted the kiss, touching his chest. Her heart was racing. "I have never been unclear about the way I feel for you and I won't start now. I'm in love with you, Miranda Bailey." Miranda inhaled softly. "I said I wanted to marry you, that hasn't changed. I said that I would be the luckiest man in the world if you had my child, that hasn't changed either." Miranda continued to hold her breath while listening to his declarations. The statements that she'd once laughed at and gasped at were resurfacing. "I love you. I'm in love with you. And all I'm asking is that you give us a chance?" She breathed slowly and fell asleep with the question in the air.