Still on My Brain
The rest of the week passed quickly, almost too quickly. Miranda hoped that it would speed by the same way between visits from Ben while he was in California. On Friday afternoon, Miranda sat in her office at the hospital and plowed through paperwork; she liked getting a jump on it. She looked over the applications of the candidates for the General Surgery fellowship. She was also looking over documents that Richard had dropped off earlier in the day. When she was nearly done, she used her foot to close the door and put her head down on her desk for a second. "Are you off the clock or is napping in the budget?" A voice asked, knocking on the door and waking her up. Her boyfriend. He could be so annoying sometimes. But even then, he could make her smile. Ben stood in her doorway with his arms crossed.
"Actually, Anesthesiology pays for my naps," Miranda said sitting up and rubbing her face.
"How so, sweetheart?" He responded with that smile of his that made her heart skip and her legs turn to jelly.
"I just pulled some of the money that you guys have for subscriptions to Architectural Digest."
Ben laughed loudly and stepped inside of the room, closing the door behind him. "What are you doing…besides sleeping?"
"Don't be a smart ass," she said to him. He sat down on a small stool and rolled himself to her. She looked down at him, one of the few times she was able to do so. "Hey."
"Hi," he said kissing her chin. "So?"
"Just finishing up some… things. Then I'm going home. If we're supposed to have a game tomorrow, I need to sleep." Ben nodded. "You're on your way home?"
He shrugged. "Unless you let me take you out on a date," he told her.
Her eyes widened and she nodded. "That sounds amazing."
"Good," he said whispering in her ear. "Then, you go home, slip on something delicious and I will come and pick you up."
Miranda didn't want her voice to give her excitement away. "Time?"
"I'll be there in two hours. That's alright?"
She looked at her watch. "That's fine. It's about time you started spoiling me," she said with a sly smile.
Ben touched his chest and gasped dramatically. "You don't think I spoil you?"
Miranda laughed to herself and shuffled some papers to the side and cleared off the rest of her desk. She liked organization and coming into an office with papers piled in front of her was not her idea of organized. She stood up and took the papers over to her file cabinet. Opening the drawer, she felt Ben come up behind her. He grabbed her hands and the files fell to the floor, scattering around their feet. Heart beating, Miranda moved to pick them up. She felt him hold her hands, restricting her movement. He kissed the side of her neck, chilling her and making every hair on her body stand up. She felt her nipples perk up as she waited silently. Ben pressed his body against hers, pushing her against the cabinet, shutting the cabinet drawer. Miranda closed her eyes and inhaled slowly, trying to calm her breathing. He kissed the other side of her neck. He ground his body on hers. She could feel him on her butt, through her pants and feel his abs through her shirt and lab coat. "You don't think I spoil you?" He touched her neck, kissing her, making her moan. That moan was the only answer that she could provide at the moment. Her body shook and she held onto the cabinet. He took her hands again and turned her around. Miranda opened her eyes and looked into his. She leaned in for a kiss, he paused and smiled before kissing her deeply. His tongue in her mouth made her body hot. He whispered in her mouth: "You don't think I spoil you?" It was the third time he'd asked and she didn't know if he was asking hypohetically or if he really wanted an answer. It didn't really matter because she couldn't figure out how to answer anyway. She didn't know which answer to give. She was tempted to say 'yes,' but she didn't want the kissing to stop, she didn't want to interfere with what he was doing now, pulling off her coat and tossing it onto her desk. His cold hands touched her bare stomach and Miranda inhaled sharply. His hand lifted her shirt exposing her midnight blue-colored bra that covered her breasts. The metal handles of the cabinets pressed into her back and Miranda pushed Ben away and walked to her desk. In one swift movement, she hopped up on her desk. Neither of them had spoken in ten minutes and Miranda's brain was moving so fast. She was thinking about everything and nothing at the same time. Ben pried open her legs and moved between them, pulling her shirt up from the back. It was nearly over her head when there was a knock on the door.
She didn't answer. Maybe they would go away. "Bailey?" Richard's voice called out from behind the door. He knocked again.
Ben looked at her and shook his head. Miranda knew he wanted her to pretend like she wasn't there, but she couldn't do that. And definitely not to her mentor. "Hold on a second!" She said. Ben licked his lips and put his head down in her chest. She kissed him once more before getting off of the desk and going to the door. She threw open the door. "Hey, Chief!" Richard looked at her and cleared his throat, his eyes gesturing to her scrub top which was pulled up, revealing her undershirt. "Oh!" She exclaimed. "Pretend you didn't see that."
Richard nodded. "So, are you finished with that paperwork?"
"You mean the ones that I just finished clearing off of my desk?" Miranda asked loud enough so that Ben could hear her. She put her hand back. She could hear her boyfriend gathering the papers. He handed them to her and she gave them to Richard. "Here you go."
He looked at them and turned to walk away. "Thanks, Bailey." She nodded to him. "Later, Warren," he said with a chuckle.
Ben stood beside her at the door and waved to Richard. "Bye, Chief!" Miranda closed the door and the two of them laughed loudly. "Alright, alright," Ben started. He kissed her again. "We should go. I have a meeting to get to and you need to go home and get changed."
"Okay," she said smiling. Ben kissed her again and left her office. She looked around and made sure everything was in order before she turned off the light and walked out, locking the door behind her.
Miranda unlocked the door to her house and decided to take a bath before her date with Ben. Sitting in her bathtub, she was so relaxed, she closed her eyes for a second. When she felt herself sliding, her eyes popped open. She stepped out of the tub and wrapped a towel around her wet body. Miranda ran a hand over her mirror and smiled when she saw her reflection. She dried off and dropped the towel on her bedroom floor. With her head in her closet, she pulled out a short-sleeved navy blue dress. She was hesitant to wear it because she didn't know where they were going and the dress was kind of short, it was about four inches above her knees. Miranda put on a pair of black ankle boots. She put on some jewelry, grabbed her silver clutch and walked downstairs. Her phone rang as she moved into her living room and sat down on her sofa. "Hello?" She asked putting the phone to her ear.
"Hey, baby. You're almost ready? Or do I have to wait another hour?" Ben asked.
She sucked her teeth. "Believe it or not, Ben Warren, I am totally ready. And I'm waiting in my living room for you." She put a smile on her face.
"Good. Because I'm right outside your door." Miranda put her purse on the chair and walked toward the door. She looked through the peephole and saw him looking at her. She took her time opening the door. Ben stepped over the threshold into the house. She didn't greet him and she didn't greet him. He just reached back and closed the door.
"I thought we were supposed to be going out."
"Shhh," Ben said touching her hand. He took a step back, squinting. "You are so beautiful."
Miranda exhaled and shook her head with a smile on her face. "Stop."
"I am so serious, Miranda. You look stunning. I kind of want to stay in and keep you all to myself."
"You know what!? Just—" Miranda stopped talking and stared at him. He was wearing a white dress shirt with a navy blue tie and a pair of nair blue dress pants with a nice pair of black shoes. He looked so good, maybe they should stay in. "You are absolutely handsome," she blushed.
Ben pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her body. She stood on her toes and kissed his chin. He leaned down a little so that their lips were less than an inch apart. Her hands were on his waist, touching his belt loops. Miranda closed her eyes just as his lips hit hers. She kissed him passionately, running a hand over his head, down to his shoulders. Ben's arms dropped from her back to her butt, pulling her closer. She felt his hands graze her thigh where her dress stopped. He pushed it up a little, making her gasp. Miranda took her mouth off of her boyfriend's. "If… we don't stop now—we are not leaving the house."
"And that would be a bad thing, yes?" Ben asked with a smirk on his face, his lips covered with lipstick.
"You are too fresh," she told him, taking a step back and then turning to face the mirror that was right next to her coat rack. She used her thumb to wipe away the messy parts of her lipstick and walked into the living room to pick up her purse. "Ready?"
"Yes," he said quickly and they were gone. In the car, both of them were unusually quiet. The radio was on, but she could barely hear it. She turned it up, so that their silence was filled with music. Miranda's brain was full of things that she wanted to say, but she didn't want to run the risk of ruining what could be an amazing night. Ben was leaving. He was going to California and, in a way, she had helped him make that decision. He wanted to remain a couple, but a long distance relationship wasn't what she had in mind when she thought about being in love and having a perfect relationship. "Great song." Ben's short statement brought her back to the present.
"Huh?"
"This is a great song. You know After 7?"
"Yeah, with, uh, Babyface's brother. Good group."
Ben nodded to the slow, R&B song. "Ready or not I'll give you everything and more," he sang softly. Miranda looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. He raised both of his eyebrows making her laugh. "All that I've got, it's yours." They came to a red light. "This is what I sang to you that time when you were paying me no attention at all when we were on the phone."
She thought for a second. "I was listening to you, but my brain was also talking very loudly." Ben chuckled. "But I remember. So, this was the song?"
He nodded. "I'll give you everything all that you're looking for," he said singing a little louder, he touched her side of her face before taking his foot off of the brakes when the light turned green.
"Well, I'm glad I didn't hear you. You sound like a giraffe," she told him. And she was lying. He actually had a really nice voice.
They laughed together. "That's so messed up." She shrugged. "Apologize or you don't get your surprise."
Miranda twisted her lips to the side. The elephants in her stomach turned backflips. "You got me a present?"
"Maybe. You won't know unless you apologize for your comment."
"You know if I say I'm sorry I'm only doing it to get my present, right?" Ben shrugged his shoulders as Miranda took a deep breath. "Sorry for saying that you sound like a giraffe when you sing. Your voice isn't bad at all."
"Woah. An apology and a compliment."
"Just tell me where we're going, please."
"Out to dinner."
"Such a comedian," she said as he reached out and took her hand in his. He lifted it to his lips. She smiled. Miranda didn't ask any more questions about their destination. They made small talk as Ben drove. The rain fell lightly on the car. Soon they were pulling up to a restaurant. He kissed her hand again and got out of the car. He opened the trunk and pulled out an umbrella. He helped her out of the car and under the umbrella. She smoothed down her dress. "Thank you."
"Of course, baby." They walked toward the restaurant, her boots slapping against the wet pavement. She glanced up at the name of the restaurant: Vincelli's. She'd never been to this place before. She told him this. "I know," he said kissing her cheek. They waited in the short line until they got up to the host's desk. "Hi, we have a reservation."
"Hello. Name please?" The host replied. He was a young kid and had a smile plastered on his face, his braces showing.
"Warren."
"Warren for two?" The host read. Ben nodded. The host nodded as well and checked his table list. Miranda looked around; the restaurant was quiet, medium lighting and packed without being crowded.
"Right this way," the host said walking them through a maze of people, tables and chairs. "Your server will be with you soon."
Ben pulled out Miranda's chair and sat across from her. "This is really nice, Ben Warren." He winked at her and they searched the menu for something good.
"Order anything you want," he told her as he pointed to a 22 oz. steak. She shook her head, moving his hand off of her menu so that she could turn the page. "Well, I think I'm going to get the shrimp trio."
"I'm going to get the house burger," she told him closing the thin book. "And a Roadhouse tea."
"I'm going to get a scotch and taste your tea," he said touching her hand across the table. The server came and took their drink and food orders. When she was gone, Ben told her: "You are… the best-looking woman in any room."
She blushed and ran her free hand through her hair. "Thanks."
"No, I'm serious," Ben smiled. "And I've never seen you in a dress that short."
"I knew it was too short," Miranda said quickly. "I should have put some leggings on." He shook his head. "I don't know if I should be tugging it down or pulling it up."
"No, Miranda, it, uh—it's, uh, …" He looked to his left and right and then back at her. "…turning me on."
She scoffed at his forward comment and smiled. Ben was still looking at her. Miranda returned his gaze. "Your tie is twisted," she told him.
"Thanks, sweetheart" he said fixing it. "How do I look?"
She wanted to tell him that he looked good enough for them to have a rendevouz in the bathroom, but what she said was: "Amazing."
Their drinks and appetizers came. "Miranda."
Oh no, she thought. Here it was. "Yes?"
"Ready for your surprise?"
"I guess now is as good a time as any." He cleared his throat and reached into his pocket. And she panicked, her heart pounded in her ears, louder than any noise in the resturant. "No!" Miranda whisper-shouted. Ben had an odd look on his face. "Ben Warren, no! And as much as I love you—am in love with you, I don't want you to do something crazy just because you're leaving. I was only kidding about the movie and all th-that. I don't need… for… and, uh, I know that you love me and that you want to keep this thing going. So do I, but it doesn't take some grand gesture on your part for me to know how you feel." Ben didn't answer, but continued to pull the item out of his pocket. It was an envelope, flat and plain-looking. An envelope. She was kind of embarrassed. She'd thought that he was going to propose. He held it across the table, waiting for her to take it. "What's this?"
"Look inside."
She took the white envelope and opened it. She pulled out a folded sheet of paper and a small card fell out. "A bus pass?" She scrunched up her face. "A faux credit card?" Now, she was confused. Her breathing was back to normal. Especially since she thought that he was going to pull out a ring five minutes earlier. "And a plane ticket?"
"Not just any plane ticket," he said shaking his head. "The Gold Standard. This ticket is like a buddy pass." She shrugged. She didn't know aviation jargon. "B-but instead of being a friend of the flight attendant, you're a friend of the pilot." Miranda nodded and looked down at the ticket. It was thicker than any plane ticket she'd ever held. She looked more closely at the card. It had her name on it. "This is an open, round-trip pass." She looked from the card to him. "It's already paid for and it'll give you up to ten flights to California. Or… or anywhere else. You'll get a new card when you take your first flight, they're gonna put your picture on it." Two waiters appeared with their entrees, clearing off the table and filling up their glasses of water like little magicians. "Thank you. Can I have some hot mustard?" Ben asked.
"Right away, sir," the girl said smiling.
Miranda smiled back at her. When they were gone she said: "I don't… forgive me, but I don't understand."
"Baby, I'm going one thousand miles away." Miranda's heart dropped. Everytime he said it or she thought it, one thousand seemed to get further and further away. Ben moved his chair around the table, settling next to her. "I will come back as often as I can, of course, but I'll be—"
"Busting your ass like all interns should," she finished.
Ben nodded. "So, I got my uncle to make this up for you, so that you can hop on a flight at any time and come and see me."
Her mouth was wide open. "Is this real?" She asked turning the ticket over in her hands. "Can he do that?"
"Yes. And it's done," he said trying to finalize the conversation.
"This seems like it would be rather expensive." Ben rolled his eyes. "Baby, I can't let you pay for this alone. I have to give you something."
"Fine, Miranda." She picked up her phone to transfer the funds. She took a sip of her tea while she waited. "It was $5,000. You can give me half," Ben said looking her right in the eyes.
Miranda nearly choked on her drink. "M-m-maybe, we should just call it an… a, uh, an early birthday gift," she stuttered, wiping her mouth with a napkin.
"Baby, It's not an early birthday gift. It's just a gift, no pretenses, nothing." He put an arm around her waist. "Even with the distance, I want to keep what we have."
She nodded as a tear pricked her eye. "Okay."
"Okay?" He repeated. She nodded again. Ben pulled her in for a kiss, putting his lips to her temple and then kissing her lips. "I love you so much."
"I love you," she responded deepening the kiss.
Someone cleared their throat, making Miranda jump. "Your mustard, sir." The waitress placed the small bowl in front of Ben.
"Thanks," Ben told her as she walked away, trying to hold back a smile. He kissed Miranda one more time and moved back to his original place.
They ate and stuffed themselves. "No dessert, please!" She begged. She was so full. And she had only made it halfway through her burger.
"But, you gotta taste their apple pie cheesecake."
She shook her head. "Well, get it to go," she said folding up her wrapper from her straw.
"Alright." The waiter came back and Ben relayed the message. Driving back to her house, the rain let up. Miranda was starting to feel a little better about Ben leaving than she did before. Now, she didn't have to wait for him to come back to Seattle, she could also go and visit him in California with her special pass. Hopefully, she would have the time. He held her hand as she drove, caressing her knuckles. He'd held her hand for most of their date: on the way to the restaurant, at the table and now on the car ride home. Holding it like… The way he was attracted to her sometimes made her uncomfortable, the look in his eyes as he spoke to her and the way he just had to touch her…sometimes it was just too much. She'd never felt that desirable before. Oh! She thought. "'Oh' what?"
"What?" She asked.
"You just said 'oh' like you had a revelation."
"I did?" He nodded and glanced at her before looking out of the passenger side mirror. "Well, I did have a little epiphany."
"Is it about me?" She blushed, but didn't speak. "Hmmm, tell me."
"It's nothing. Really. Um, so, uh, what are you going to do with your apartment while you're gone?"
"Curt is going to sublet it. Stop trying to change the subject, Miranda." She ran a tongue over her teeth. What was your epiphany about?"
She sighed. "The way you look at me sometimes… is so shocking," she said with a smile. "It makes me uncomfortable."
Ben looked alarmed and pulled his hand away. "I'm s-sorry, Miranda. I didn't know."
"No, no, no. Sorry, no, I'm, uh… I'm not explaining it right. It's uncomfortable in a good way."
"Uncomfortable in a good way?" He repeated turning into her driveway.
"Yeah," she told him as he turned off the engine.
"How so?"
"Because no one's ever l-looked at me the way you do." He raised a curious eyebrow. "Like you want me. Like you truly want me."
"I do," he said turning to look at her.
She reached for his hand. "And how you can't keep your hands off of me."
He chuckled, putting his head back on the headrest. "You touched me that time."
"I just beat you to it." Her fingers settled between his.
"We won't be able to do this every night."
"What's that?"
"Sit next to each other while holding hands." He kissed the back of her hand. "I won't be able to kiss you," he said leaning over and grabbing the back of her head and pulling her in for a deep kiss. "And I'm sorry for that."
"Don't be sorry," she said as she licked her lips. They were quiet for a long time. "C'mon, let's go inside."
Ben got out of the car and walked around it, opening her door. She stepped out of the car. Swiftly, Ben closed the door, pushing her up against it. His hands slid up her thigh, lifting her leg and wrapping it around his body. She gasped. "We should probably go inside," he whispered into her mouth. She threw her hands around his neck, pulling him closer just as it started drizzling again. The rain acted as an aphrodisiac, sending them into a sexual frenzy. Ben's fingers played below her waist. Miranda closed her eyes as she kissed him again, the rain dripping between their bodies, hitting her lips and turning her on. She pushed him away and looked at him seductively. The general surgeon grabbed the tie of the anesthesiologist and guided him to her front door. After locking her door and throwing her purse to the sofa, she held onto his hand and lead him up the stairs. She felt his eyes on her ass. Maybe her dress wasn't short enough. She didn't turn on the light, but his hand found the switch and he turned on the light. "I need to see you." She kicked off her ankle boots and stood on her toes and kissed him. Ben's hands rubbed her body, flowing over her curves. Miranda reached down to his waist and untucked his shirt. Then she unbuckled his belt. They moved to the bed. Miranda sat down first and slid backwards on the bed. She tried to keep her dress from rising. Ben stood at the foot of the bed and watched her, his appearance unkempt, but sexy nonetheless. She saw him take off his shoes and sit on the edge of the bed, his back to her. He sighed deeply.
Miranda moved across the bed and put his arms around his shoulders. "What's wrong, Ben?"
He turned around and faced her. "Miranda, I feel like I'm making a mistake."
"What? What are you talking about?"
He shook his head. "I'm just tire, you know? And talking out loud," he told her running a hand over his hair. His hand found her head and he pulled her in for a kiss.
She stopped before their lips could touch. "No, something's wrong. And you'll tell me what it is. Because we need to be honest with each other and you keeping something from me isn't being honest. It's being the opposite of honest." She sat next to him on the edge of the bed, her toes barely touching the floor. She tried to remain calm while she waited for him to speak. She had no idea what he was about to say. "What is it?" She asked again, impatiently.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong," he said shaking his head. He leaned in for another kiss and she put her hand up so that his lips hit her fingers.
"You are lying, Ben Warren."
Ben stood up and walked toward the open door. Miranda's heart dropped. This was it. He was walking away, leaving without any excuse. She shut her eyes; unable to watch as he strolled out of her life as easily as he'd strolled in. She heard the door close. She opened one eye to see him leaning against the closed door. "Why are your eyes closed?" He asked with his hands in the pockets of his unbuckled pants. He smiled a little.
"P-praying. I was praying," she stammered. She sure as hell wasn't going to tell him that she was scared that he was going to leave her. For one, he'd be pissed that she'd even been thinking it. And two, she shouldn't have been thinking it. She knew that he wasn't the type of guy to just up and leave. On the other hand, he was leaving. He was going to California. And their relationship would probably suffer. Miranda rubbed her face and shook those thoughts from her head. She wouldn't even go there. This was a time to be positive.
"This should be a great night, Miranda."
"It is a great night."
"It was, but I'm ruining it. And, for that, sweetheart, I'm sorry."
"You could un-ruin it by telling me—"
"Miranda, I feel like… like I'm tearing us apart. If I—God! If I go to California, will we survive?" She inhaled. "Because if not, I can't! I can't!"
She shook her head. "What? You can't what?"
"I can't go!" Ben threw his hands in the air. His hands settled on his hips. He looked so hot all fired up and upset. She licked her lips a little. She tried not to smile. "Oh, no! Don't look at me like that. I'm being serious, baby."
She took a second. "I want to believe that everything will be fine. I want to believe that you will go there and pursue your dreams and I will stay here and pursue mine and, we'll meet in the middle and we'll be great. We will be great. A, um, power couple." She chuckled nervously. "I want to believe in those things. But I'm not naïve. I'm not a twenty year old hoping for a fairytale kind of love. I know things happen. Things we can't control." Ben took a step in her direction. She held up her hand. "But I need to believe that no matter what happens that we—you and I—will try." She gestured between the two of them. "See, that's the main reason Tucker and I didn't last, neither one of us wanted to give an inch and we didn't try to make it work. I was stubborn and he… well, he was pig-headed and lazy."
"Nothing's changed," Ben said. Miranda stood up. "I will try." She moved closer to him, Ben mimicked her movements.
"You promise?" She asked looking up at the much taller Ben.
"Have I ever gone back on my word?" He asked touching her waist. The hairs on her arms stood up. She shook her head. "Well, I don't intend to."
"Good," she told him pursing her lips. He nodded as she moved in for a kiss.
He jerked his head back. "But do you promise?"
Miranda paused, making him wait. Ben cocked his head to the side. "Of course."
"Now, that that's off of my shoulders and you've promised to give this long-distance thing a shot, we can get back to our evening," Ben said kissing her. His hands crept up her back to the top of her spine. He slowly unzipped the dress, pressing her body into his. Miranda gasped. He pulled the dress off her shoulders. A phone was ringing.
"No!" They growled at the same time. Miranda grabbed his face with both hands and looked into his eyes.
"It's my phone, isn't it?" She asked. He put his forehead to hers and nodded. "Grrrr!"
"Relax, Miranda. Maybe it's just your mom."
"Nope," she said pulling her dress back on. Ben chuckled and opened the door, allowing her to storm through it. "It's either Webber wanting me for something or a trauma and they need all hands."
It was The Chief. She picked it up, exasperated. "I'm not at the hospital. I am gone for the day," she told him.
"I'm doing it," he responded.
"Doing what?" She asked looking at the phone. An happy, off-guard picture that she'd taken one afternoon when he joined her and Tuck at the aquarium. He'd been separated from Adele at the time and that was the first time that she'd seen him smiling. She had to capture it.
"Telling Adele about…" He stopped talking, wanting her to fill in the blanks. Maggie. Well, it's about time, she thought to herself. "And I'm at the hospital now, there's something coming in, but I need to go home and tell my wife now."
Miranda looked at the time and then toward the stairs. She thought about her soon to be naked boyfriend. "You can't wait until tomorrow? I mean, one more day's not gonna—"
"You and I both know that the longer that I wait, the angrier she'll be." She nodded. "And time is of the essence, er, tomorrow's not promised. And all those quotes that say now is the time!"
"Okay. Okay. I'll be there as soon as I can. Have Edwards and Cameron waiting and ready."
"Done and done. Thanks, Bailey."
"You owe me." He chuckled and she ended the call. When she looked up, Ben was standing at the bottom of the stairs. She held up her phone. "I told you."
"Webber?" She nodded. "Well, I can roll with you."
"I could always use the company." Miranda didn't bother to change. She'd sneak in the hospital, help the patient, sneak out and be back home as quickly as she could. "You wanna drive?"
"You can."
"Wow. You never let me drive," she told him sliding behind the wheel of her car.
"I do," Ben lied.
"Yeah, okay," she scoffed.
"Well, I should. I like watching you drive. I find it exhilarating."
"Mmhm," Miranda said as she headed toward the hospital.