Love in its complicated forms.
Fili didn't like their burglar. More than that, everyone could see how much he hated her. But actually, he was frustrated by her fussiness and her lack of weapons, irritated by her gorgeousness, and angry at how easily he was charmed by her laugh. He was confused by the feelings she elected in him and he did not like the closeness she seemed to share with his brother. The blond had tried to scare her off as soon as he met her, not pleased by how his heart seemed to beat faster, nor the small blush that covered his bearded cheeks. He was relieved when she decided not to come, but a small part of him yearned for her presence close to him.
He had hated the way his heart soared when he saw her running after them, copper curls flying in the wind, cheeks reddened by the effort. He did his best to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as he and Kili put her on her pony, or when her big, wide emerald eyes crinkled as she thanked them. He tried to frighten her once more when she seemed scared by orcs, which led to a scolding from his uncle and the retelling of the enthralling story of Azanulbizar.
Then he sent her off against trolls on her own. He had been frustrated by her talking with Ori all day long and wanted to see her skills. And once again, it was a complete disaster. She had got caught. Twice. And because of that, the whole company was about to get eaten. Of course, she just had to save them by insulting them and attire Thorin's ire on her. The way she looked downwards after his uncle's hurtful words was just too much for his heart to bear and he followed behind his leader, not sparing her a single glance more. By doing that, he missed her hurt gaze following his turned back.
Rivendell came after and he was mad with jealously at her wonder-filled gaze directed at Imladris and its inhabitants. This, of course, made him grumpier and crankier, and he scowled viciously at the poor hobbit whenever she would open her mouth, glaring her into silence. And as he watched her, glare back and talk with elves about a certain Belladonna Took, he had to admit it to himself.
He, Fili, son of Vili, Crown Prince of Erebor, was in love with Bluebell Baggings, a hobbit from the Shire.
Sighing deeply, he buried his head in his hands. He never meant to fall in love. It was vicious. He had seen it as a child, as their mother almost faded after the death of her husband. He and Thorin were needed to keep her alive, he was grateful Kili didn't remember that time. And even if by miracle, the lass loved him back, he would not be able to court and marry her. A dwarrowdam named Melania was waiting for him back in Ered Luin. He had been promised to her and her to him.
There was no love between them, it was a marriage of convenience. He was either to die on this quest or to retake Erebor and marry the dam there. Kili, Mahal bless him, knew his brother better than anyone, even better than himself sometimes. Fili knew he suspected something was going on with the hobbit and was trying his best to rile him up.
But one day, the dark-haired prince had pushed it too far. "Hey Fee, do you think 'Bell would share my cot tonight? I mean seriously, have you seen those breasts?" He had said, gesturing to his chest. He honestly should have expected the fist that came not a single moment after. "I forbid you to play with her as if she was some hussy!" Fili had snarled and the fight had started.
By some weird coincidence, it was Bluebell who found them as they fought, screaming obscenities at each other's throats. She had called Dwalin and Gloin who easily separated the two brothers. "You're nothing more than a coward." Kili had spat as Gloin was dragging him away. The blond sighed, knowing his brother was right, before he glared at the girl who sat next to him. She narrowed her eyes, her brows furrowing, and he felt a small thing slap him across the face.
She really just threw a rag at him?
"That's enough! I'm sick and tired of your attitude! You and your uncle are both royal assholes! I didn't follow you on this stupid suicide quest just to be glared and scowled at, you… you stupid dwarf! I never met anything more stone-headed than you! I just wanted to disinfect your cuts, but it seems his Highness will have to do it on his own! Confound all dwarrows!" She hissed, red-faced, and yet she was the most annoyingly beautiful creature he ever seen. He watched as she stomped over her brother and started taking care of his wounds. Jealousy and guilt churned his stomach uncomfortably and he whimpered, burying his face between his knees. And yet again he missed the pained looks Bluebell was shooting his way.
Soon enough, they left for the Misty Mountains. A storm hit them hard and Fili deeply regretted not making it up to his brother as he was snatched from him. Then he was almost turned to a smear on the floor by a stone giant.
Fortunately, they all survived and Kili hugged him tightly. But Bofur started screaming about his hobbit and terror struck the blond dwarf. When he saw her dangling on the edge of a freaking mountain, his knees failed him, and his brother had to keep him standing. Thanks to Thorin, she found her way up once more and he was so relieved that he was about to go and talk to her. But Thorin stopped him with his words.
"She's been lost since she left. She doesn't belong here. Fili come with me!" His uncle had snarled, and the prince was torn between his love to Bluebell and his loyalty to his king. His loyalty eventually won, and he followed behind Thorin, and he did not see the girl's heartbroken gaze nor Kili's scowl, both directed at his back.
He should have known it. He really should have seen it coming with the rotten luck they had. The cave they chose as shelter was in fact a trap and they fell right into a goblin's town. More than just that, Fili had to witness as one of those nasty creatures grabbed his love and fell with her into the darkness, as she let out a startled yelp. The world stopped for a few seconds, he just looked at her terror-stricken face and called her name loudly, fear thick in his voice.
They succeeded at escaping thanks to Gandalf's help and as Thorin was defaming her name, he saw the hobbit he helplessly fell in love with appear from nowhere, blood trailing down her face. "Look I know you doubt me. I doubt me too. You're right. I often think of Bag-End. I miss my armchair, my books and my garden. Because you see, that's home. That's why I came back. Because you don't have one. A home. And I'll do all I can to help you take it back." She said, looking his uncle right in the eyes, and he felt himself falling even more for her.
He was about to go and apologize for his unacceptable behaviour when wargs howls were heard. An irritated growl escaped his lips as they started running and Bluebell giggled next to him. He took his chance, right at that moment. "Look 'Bell, I'm sorry I was an ass with you. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry. Please forgive me?" He apologized, a little breathlessly since they were running. She smiled warmly at him. "You don't know how much it means to me to hear that Fili. But maybe we can do this another time, maybe when we aren't running for our lives?" She had answered and he couldn't help his laugh.
"Agreed." Kili ran past them grumbling. "And just when is that?" They both laughed at that, before focusing on escaping. But as if it wasn't enough already, they had to climb on trees, put the whole place on fire, which now he thinks about it, was a terrible idea. Azog came back from the dead and Thorin decided to go fight him on his own. He looked all like the regal hero Fili idolized his all life, but right now, the blond was just plain terrified.
Their leader was steadily losing the fight and getting injured. Fear was paralyzing him and just when he thought he'd watch his uncle die, Bluebell got up and ran to protect Thorin, killing an orc and fiercely staring down Azog the Defiler for him. He totally lost control over his body as he sprinted to save his One who was being circled by orcs and their mounts. Then eagles came and save the day and their lives. At the Carrock, Fili said nothing to the hobbit, knowing that his jealousy would make him say unwanted things. He could swear Thorin had lingered around his lass just to make his blood boil (do not miss the possessiveness in this sentence).
Once they arrived at Beorn's, Fili joined the girl as she relaxed in the gardens. "Bluebell." He called out. She smiled at him, waving, and gesturing at him to come closer. "I think it's a good time to hear that apology of yours." She teased, a crinkle in the eye. "You're right. I'm sorry I was a, what was it already? Ah yes, a royal asshole. You didn't deserve my childish behaviour. Would you forgive me." He confessed, running a hand through his blond mane as she muffled her giggles with her hand.
"Apology accepted Fili. I'm glad you finally came to your senses, even if it needed several near-death experiences." She answered lightly. He sighed heavily, pushing down the need to kiss her senselessly. "You need to promise me you will not run in front of danger anymore. My heart would not take it." The blond said seriously, and she frowned, not liking the turn this conversation was taking. "But I can't do that Fili. I will not let any of you die because I had to stay put and safe. I'm not some sot of damsel in distress that you have to protect. And really, I'm the one who's going to burgle a living, fire-breathing dragon at the end of this journey." She protested.
"How can you not understand?! I wouldn't be able to survive it if any harm came to you! You have to promise to me!" He yelled angrily! Her small hands took his cheeks and she replied softly. "No, I don't understand. Please explain it to me, I'm confused here." He looked her in the eyes before watching the grass beneath his feet, unable to keep her gaze. "I fell for you Bluebell. Your presence is all my heart yearns for. I long for you next to me from when I wake up in the morning to when I fall asleep in the night. And you even manage to haunt my dreams. To see you fall, protecting one of us, that would surely break my heart and my very soul." He whispered. Suddenly two firm lips were on his.
She tasted even sweeter than he had imagined. He melted in the kiss, before pulling away. "We can't. We can't 'Bell." He breathed. "Why is that Fili? I love you. I love you more than anything." She countered breathlessly, her face flushed, and he had to kill the want to kiss her again.
"Because I'm betrothed! There's someone waiting for me back in the Blue Mountains." The dwarf tensed as she jerked away from him, pain swimming in her magnificent green eyes.
"B-but you just said you l-loved me? Are you playing with me Fili?! Am I just a toy to you?!" She shrieked, tears streaming down her face. "No, no, dear Mahal, no. There is no love between me and her, it's a set-up marriage! I never planned to fall in love you know! I just wanted to secure a future for my kin. And here I am, hopelessly in love with you but I can't be with you, it hurts so, so much. I just want to be by your side the rest of my life. Wake up and fall asleep next to you. Kiss you, hold you, but I can't. I don't have the luxury to be selfish." He finished, walking away, leaving behind him a crying hobbit.
He tried to not listen to her heart wrenching sobs or to the sound of his own heart breaking with every step he took. He had not seen her for the rest of the day, nor spoken with her during their stay at the skin-changer's home. When he did see her, she looked so small, so worn and so sad, that it broke his soul even more. But each time he tried to approach her, she just glared hard enough to make him abandon the idea. Kili and Bofur were trying their best to cheer her up, but in the end, even their combined efforts weren't enough, so they settled for scowling at him atop their ponies as the company rode to Mirkwood.
Fili felt down, he couldn't help but think about how delicious the hobbit's lips were on his or how small her hands felt on his bearded cheeks, and yet he couldn't kiss her once more, or simply hold her hand. He had not lied, he did yearn for her ever second of his time, but it felt like cheating on the dam he was betrothed to. And if Fili was one thing, it was loyal. Sleep eluded him even before they entered the cursed forest of the elves, but it was even worse now. He needed both his brother and his uncle if he wanted to fall asleep. He couldn't help but notice how utterly miserable Bluebell seemed.
All the dwarrows were cuddled with their families, and while usually she would sleep with Gandalf, the man had left them. He was tempted to offer her to lay with them, but he knew she would refuse. He had broken her heart after all. Sighing heavily, he tried to fall asleep without much success. He couldn't get the hobbit's heartbroken weeps out of his mind and he felt a few of his own tears fall.
After all, Fili always knew love was horrible, it hurt more than it shone. Then 'Bell started shivering and he couldn't take it anymore. Ignoring the raised eyebrow of Dwalin, who was on watch, and the slight grumbling of his brother, the blond got up, his blankets in arms. As he was coming from behind her, he covered her with the blanket before she noticed it was him.
She melted in the sudden warmth and turned to thank its owner before she saw it was him. Immediately the blanket was thrown back to him. "I don't want anything coming from you!" She spat, anger dripping from her words. "Come on 'Bell! You're freezing and I'm the only one here who would give up his cover to give it to you!" He hissed, before he registered what he just said. He tried to apologize. "I'm sorry. That's not… I…" He was cut off by a slap.
"You love it don't you!? You just adore watching me in pain! You know what Fili? I regret coming on this quest. I regret ever meeting you. It was the worst decision I ever made. I regret it all now." She snarled at him, tears falling on her pale cheeks and blue lips, before she stomped away.
Fili fell on his backside with a pop, burying his hands in his golden hair. He felt awful, he never wanted to make her doubt her place in the company. He felt like he belonged with the orcs, heartless as he was. How he managed to repeatedly hurt the only one he ever loved romantically was beyond him. Sighing once more, the Crown prince walked back to his family, ignoring Dwalin's disapproving and sarcastic comment; "You really know how to talk with ladies, don't you?". As if he didn't feel bad enough.
Needless to say that he didn't get much sleep that night, but he did promise to himself to apologize as soon as he could because he didn't mean what he said. But he didn't really have much time between wicked, way too big spiders and tall elves. He was a weird mix of relief, because she didn't get captured, and worry, because he had no idea where she was.
For 5 long days, at least that's what that red-headed she-elf had said, he had absolutely no news from the one he loved, and he was certain a few white strands were already decorating his hair. He did not worry for his kin, for he had news that they were well and fed, but nothing from the little hobbit that plagued his mind. "Fili! Fili!" He heard a small whisper. Frowning in confusion, he came in the light and was blinded by the brightness. "Oh Fili. What happened to you?" It was Bluebell's small, high-pitched voice.
Relief flooded him. She was alive. Oh, thank Mahal, she was alive! "Don't you ever scare me like that ever again! Please Bluebell, never again." He pleaded; his shoulders slumped in relief. "Fili. What. Have. They. Done. To. You?" She growled, her voice dark. Looking at himself, he understood what she meant. He was covered in black and blue bruises, shallow cuts ornated his skin, and he had a swollen black eye. "Don't worry 'Bell. It's nothing." He tried to reassure her.
Torture was quite understandable, they had nothing from his uncle, so they went for him, his heir. "Fili, oh my love, they hurt you for information, didn't they? I'll kill them all! They'll suffer for what they've done to you! Does it hurt too much or will you be able to move?" She inquired softly, trying to master her anger in front of him, while he was trying to supress the jolt of joy he felt when she called him 'my love'. "I'll be just fine. They didn't do much damge yet. You already have a plan, my clever hobbit?" He just had to smile at the flush that reached the tip of her pointed ears.
"Yes, I'll come tonight, love. I have to warn the others and… have some business with our generous hosts. I'll see you after, rest for a while!" She advised before just disappearing into thin air. Yet, a silly grin was stuck on Fili's lips. She had called him love twice. He almost felt sorry for the elves as he remembered the dark look on her face. Almost. But it was not going to be pretty. When she came back, a smug gleam in her eyes, he knew she had avenged him.
But he had no time to ask about her because everyone was fretting about him, and no one except him and Oin had noticed how dangerously thin and worn she looked. "Have you slept or eaten during those days lass?" The healer questioned. At the widening of her eyes, she did not expect for someone to notice her poor state.
"Of course, Oin, I did." She obviously lied and seeing how Oin's eyes narrowed he saw it too. "Don't lie to me lassie. When was the last time you ate or slept?" He warned. Biting her bottom lip, she nervously whispered. "I ate a bit of apple pie this morning, as for sleep… Well not since I entered this thrice cursed forest." Fili, who had to strain his earing to listen to her, let out a small curse and clenched his fists.
"Let me reformulate my question. When was the last time you had a good, restful night of sleep, or a nice hobbit-y meal?" The dwarf urged. The blond did not hear the answer, but the trail of Khuzdul and Westron curses that followed, he did not miss. "Are you trying to slowly kill yourself or what?" Oin hissed.
The girl obviously nervous at having the attention of the whole company who turned towards her as the healer cussed, huffed, frustrated. "Well, I'll have you know that it is quite complicated to eat and sleep in a palace full of armed mean elves, ready to kill at the slightest sound!" Oin raised a brow. "Beorn's?" Was all he asked, and the hobbit left to the front of the troop muttering about 'old half deaf healers' and 'dratted dwarves'.
Fili's mind worked and quickly enough the pieces of the puzzle fell into place, even if it was mainly because of the white-haired healer's glare on him. Had she really not eaten nor slept since they've… talked? Well if that didn't make him feel even more like a pompous ass.
Things were quite rushed after that.
They escaped in barrels (his used to be filled with apple cider, he swore to never touch an apple in his life after that), Kili got injured, they found a barge with a man who accepted to make them enter in Laketown and introduce them to its Master on the morrow.
They met the bowman's children, who were immediately smitten with Bluebell. If you ever ask, Fili will firmly deny that he was jealous of a 15 years old child. But he was, terribly so, even more when the boy dared to hug the hobbit.
But as the company navigated to Erebor, Bofur, the Durin brothers, and Oin were left behind, because of Kili's injury. The blond had no idea of how the quest was going, how his One was, nor his uncle, and it was slowly but surely driving him insane. Then the she-elf from Mirkwood (Tauriel, he later learned) saved his brother's hide, which was a great relief.
But of course, Smaug just had to choose that moment to arrive and make him lose his mind even more. If the drake was here, then where was Bluebell? Because she was the first one to enter its nest after all. Maybe she had been roasted or swallowed by the giant wyrm. Which made him quite thankful to Bard when he killed it. They escaped the town in flames before heading towards the mountain. I
t was Gloin who had spotted them. He looked just fine, and quite happy, even if there was a different gleam in his eyes. "Welcome home lads! Come, come to see your kin and the gold." Fili had found it weird that he thought the treasure so important, but he shrugged it off, not worried. He was thinking about their burglar, about how much he loved her before they entered the treasury, and just like that, all thoughts of her flew out the window.
He had never seen so much gold and gems. He suddenly felt very protective of it. It was theirs and no one else was allowed to touch it.
He barely even heard his One as she talked and that was showing just how deep he was trapped in the gold sickness.
When he had learned that Bluebell had given the Arkenstone to Men and Elves, he had been on Thorin's side, calling her a traitor, a thief.
But when she looked at him, eyes full of fear and hurt, as she was dangling off the rampart, hold only by the king's hand on her throat, he had snapped out of the sickness. "Uncle! Stop it this instant! Put her down! Uncle!" He yelled, rushing to her side to help her. Thorin banned the girl and Fili helped her down the rope.
The battle was… weird. Orcs and wargs alike kept falling by invisible hands saving his and Kili's lives several times. The brothers and Legolas, Thranduil's son oddly, killed Bolg while Thorin… Wait. Where was he? Turning around he finally spotted him. He was fighting Azog the Defiler with a… hobbit? Oh Mahal, was that his hobbit fighting the Pale Orc with nothing but a letter opener? Bile rose and he tried to push it down. Once Thorin was steadily winning, 'Bell disappeared.
The battle ended, the orcs were defeated, the banishment was void and the company was in the same healing tent.
All were there but their burglar. And they searched for her, everywhere. The elves, men and dwarves healing tents, the battlefield, nothing. Not a sign.
For 3 days, even during the night, all of those who could move in the company were looking for her. the third day, Fili was losing hope of finding his love ever again, when she just entered their tent, battered, injured, limping, but alive. He ran to her, hugging her tightly, but cautious of possible threatening wounds.
"I thought I lost you! Where were you?" He questioned. "I was unconscious, I just woke up. I know I'm banished and all, but I had to see you before leaving. One last time." She replied, breathlessly, and he panicked. "Leaving? No, no, no! You are going nowhere Miss Baggings! The banishment was lifted. I… We all are very sorry about how we treated you while we were under the gold sickness. I hope you can find it in yourself to ever forgive us."
He tried his best puppy eyes on her but did not expect that she would start laughing. "It was not you; it was the sickness. It was forgiven the moment it happened, so you can stop looking at me like that. I'm not mad at you. Like I could ever." She whispered in his furs as she pulled him closer and inhaled his enthralling scent.
He sighed in relief. "I love you so much, I never want to lose you again. Do you even know the stress you put me under these last days? I just want to live with you and get old and grey with you." He said and she sighed this time.
"But you can't be selfish. I know you already told me." He shook his head. "Marry me. Please marry me 'Bell." He asked, his voice an octave lower than usual.
She jerked away, looking him in the eyes. "B-but… Your marriage?" She stammered while he offered the happiest grin ever.
"It was cancelled. Uncle gave us his blessing. I can marry you like I want to. So please. Will you, Bluebell Baggings, daughter of Bungo and Belladonna, hero of Erebor, marry me, Fili, son of Vili and Dis?" He proposed, trying to be as romantic as he could. He knew he succeeded when a loud squeal came out of the hobbit. "Yes! Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I love you so much Fili!" She squeaked happily, throwing her arms around his neck. "I love you too Bluebell." The dwarf whispered before connecting their lips.
He knew everything would be just fine now. Because he would not have to carry his burdens alone, she will be there with him. For the best and the worst.
The End