Susan heard a familiar grinding and waited. It seemed to take forever for her visitor to make an appearance. "How long has it been for you?" she called out before he'd even set foot in the kitchen. Turning, her breath caught as he stepped into the light.

There he stood, in her kitchen doorway, battered, bloodied and bruised. He looked thinner than the last time she'd seen him, older too. His eyes marred by dark circles, refusing to meet her gaze.

"Grandfather!" she gasped.

"David?" he enquired after his great grandson.

"He's at nursery, you're safe," Susan replied as she set some teacups on the table before reaching for him.

The Doctor flinched and stepped back slightly, causing her to stop in her tracks and back away.

"Are you you?"she asked, moving back to the counter, retrieving the teapot she had started to prepare.

"I'm me. He won't come out when there's no fun to be had or I'm in physical pain," he replied, taking a tentative step forward.

"Tea?"

He sat stiffly at the table and sighed.

"Where have you been?" Susan enquired.

"I don't even know anymore," he chuckled ruefully.

"No sign of Valeyard?" She was avoiding asking about his injuries or Rose and they both knew it.

He simply shook his head and they fell into silence.

"So, how long has it been for you?" she eventually repeated, unable to hold back any longer.

He looked at her blankly.

"Since you left them? How long?"

"A few months …. I think." His hand shook as he reached for his tea cup.

"What have you been doing? I mean just look at you!" she was holding back tears as she got a closer look at his injuries.

"Paying penance. Bouncing around the universe like normal, trying to help people survive."

"Does it always have to be so painful?

"That's sort of why I'm here. I didn't know where else to go." He reached for the lapel of his jacket and peeled it away from his shoulder. "I'm not as ambidextrous as I used to be," he told her, exposing a large gash.

"Oh Rassilon!" his granddaughter cried, jumping up from the table to gather her first aid kit. She didn't see him wince at the use of the Lord Chancellor's name.

Moving somewhere more comfortable she sat facing him and assessed the damage. "I'll do my best," she told him "but I'm sure Jack's team would be better at this."

For the first time since his arrival he looked at her for more than a couple of seconds. "I can't go back there."

Susan sighed "they're family. They love you!"

"You're family," he countered.

"True. But I'd imagine they'd do a much better job than me!"

"I can't go back, I can't. I just can't. I can't," he panicked.

"Ok! Ok," Susan soothed then fell silent as she cleaned his wound, trying to ignore the way he flinched before she even touched him. "What about your dermal regenerator? It'd be less painful and quicker."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out a needle and thread. "Broken."

She was about to ask why he hadn't fixed it then saw why. He was lying. It's wasn't broken, he just didn't want to use it, it was written all over his face.

"So. A few months. Have you had any contact with them at all?"

His tired eyes met hers briefly, the sadness obvious. "No contact."

"Have you tried?"

He sighed and rolled his eyes.

"Ok, ok. I just think you shouldn't be on your own."

"Too dangerous," he shook his head and looked away.

"If it's so dangerous to be around you, why are you sitting in my house? Am I expendable?"

His gaze snapped back to hers, hard and angry, "No! Never."

"So you've got him under control."

"For now."

"Let me ask you this then; when was the last time he was in control?"

There was a pause. "You've spoken to them." It wasn't a question.

"Jack phoned me just after you ran away." She hesitated. "He told me what he did."

"What I did," he corrected quietly, any colour draining from his face.

Susan sighed. "I knew you'd be blaming yourself. Listen to me. You did nothing wrong. He's not you. He's…he's what the Time Lords want you to be. He is their creation, just like the Valeyard. You can become him because you aren't him. What he did; I can't imagine how much pain that has caused you or Rose. But I know you. And you would never, EVER hurt her like that. You love every atom of that woman and he used that to hurt you both."

The Doctor stared at her for a moment, his throat growing tight as he thought about that night. "It was like I was waking up from a nightmare, only to find that it was real. She was….there, doing that…and I was, oh god." His breathing increased rapidly. There wasn't enough air in the room. He lurched to his feet, black specks appearing before his eyes.

"Grandad?" Susan stood and reached out to steady him.

"I can't….. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. I can't breathe," he gasped over and over.

"You need to sit down. Listen to me. Listen to my voice and focus on that. There is air and you CAN breathe. You're having some kind of panic attack. You're safe. I promise. You're safe. It's just us. Come on, sit down before you fall down." She guided him back to the chair. "Listen. Close you're eyes for me. Tell me 5 things you can hear. You have to focus. Five sounds Grandad."

Eventually his breathing evened out and Susan finished stitching him up.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice gruff.

"For what? For being a victim of something hideous? For panicking about it? Grandad. You did nothing wrong. He's in your head but he's not you. You're the Doctor. The man who saves civilisations from certain destruction. The man who cares about this silly planet so much he may as well be a native. A man who was so different from the rest of his kind that they feared him enough to try to destroy him. Don't let them win now."

"I'm not what.…"

"You're not what? You're not good? Kind? Heroic? How many other Time Lords decided to save the universe instead of run it? The universe is a better place because you are in it. You're the Doctor. You heal things. You travel with a blooming sonic screwdriver instead of a weapon so you can fix things, in a ship that's a police phone box."

"I'm also a thing of nightmares."

"Only for those who deserve nightmares. Only monsters have nightmares about you. That should tell you something."

He rubbed his eyes and sighed.

"When was the last time you ate? Or slept?"

The Time Lord just shrugged.

"Why don't you stay here tonight? Take a night off from…well this," Susan waved her arm up and down, indicating the news he was in. "That shoulder needs to calm down before you do anything anyway. I could cook you something. You look like you haven't eaten in months either." She continued to chatter while making him some lunch and her words just washed over him.

He was tired, right down to his bones but sleep wasn't an option. No matter how much he wanted it. He silently chuckled to himself. Missing sleep was such a human thing; Rose's influence. But it was more than that. His brain was so full and so tired but it couldn't stop. If it did, he was sure he'd lose control and that scared him. It was a hard enough battle maintaining the upper hand, if he had to fight his way back to dominance he wasn't sure he'd survive. No. No sleep. He owed it to everyone to stay awake, find Valeyard and keep everyone safe. Looking up he realised Susan had stopped talking.

"Where did you go?" she asked kindly.

"Nowhere fun. Sorry. What were you saying?"

"Doesn't matter. So what's the plan for when you find the Valeyard?"

XxXxX

"Three months," Rose said quietly.

Jack and Mickey looked up at her expectantly.

"It's been three months since we heard from him. Do you think he's ok?"

"Should we care?" Mickey muttered.

"Hey!" Jack snapped. "You don't know the full story."

"Because you won't tell us! All we know is he cheated on Rose and ran away."

"I'm not saying anything to anyone until Rose is ready to hear it. She knows what she wants to know for now."

A heavy silence descended on Jack's office.

"I… think I want to know," Rose said finally. "I mean I sort of know, from what he told me but…. I know you'll be honest with me if I want you to."

"And do you want me to be honest with you?"

"I need you to."

"It won't be easy to hear, any of it. But you HAVE to remember that he wasn't OUR Doctor," Jack told her pointedly.

Rose swallowed and nodded as Mickey snorted.

Jack flashed the other man a dangerous look. "If you're not going to stay silent or be supportive you can leave. You seem to be enjoying this a little too much."

"I'm not enjoying it at all!" he defended.

"Then act like it!" the Time Agent growled before making a decision. "Tell you what. You want to know the whole truth of it Mickey? How about I show you both. You'll feel everything I felt being in his presence and everything he felt in the moments after…. Well just before we came back."

"Can you even do that? With Mickey I mean," Rose asked.

" I don't know for certain but if the Doctor can project things then why can't we? I can at least try. That way you'll know what he was feeling at least….at the end," he shrugged.

They both looked at Mickey.

"So, what you'd be in my brain?"

"No, I'd simply help you feel what we felt, see what I saw…. With maybe one edit; you don't need to see that to know what happened. It's was happened after that will show you the truth if it."

Rose knew he was talking about….the act. God she couldn't even bring herself to say it, three months later and she was still avoiding it. It just was wrong. It felt like it should be a lie even though she knew it wasn't. She finds her mind wondering, had he thought of her at all during? Was this alien better at it than her? Did he….get satisfaction out of it? She shook her head to clear it as she realised the men were waiting for her. "Ok, let's do it," she declared, taking a deep shaky breath.

"I'll start from after Jimmy. You were there for that," Jack said as he reached out, placing his fingers on their temples, Rose and Mickey mirroring him to complete the circle

XxXxX