Thinking Out Loud

"Baby, please, hurry up!" Ben called to Miranda who was just finishing up her makeup.

"Can't rush this," she answered moving her lips together. She looked into the mirror over the bathroom sink, satisfied.

"I'm not rushing you, I'm just begging you to come on," he laughed.

"I'm coming. I'm coming." Miranda came out of the bathroom. "I just have to put my shoes on."

"Shoes?! You're not even in your dress yet, Miranda."

"Eh, minor detail." Ben shook his head as Miranda stepped into the teal dress that she'd brought with her. "Help me." He came over and touched the small of her back as he zipped the dress up. "Thank you."

"Here are your shoes," he said handing her a pair of navy blue 4 ½ inch Louboutins that she received as a gift from Tucker a few years ago. They were her favorite pair.

"These are not just shoes," she told him raising an eyebrow. He held up both hands and Miranda finally got a good look at him. He was in a pair of dark blue dress pants and a white shirt that was unbuttoned at the top.

"I know."

"You look so handsome," she said standing in front of him. She brushed off his shoulders.

"And you look fine as hell," he told her. He kissed her neck.

"No, no, no," she laughed. "They'll be plenty of time for that."

Ben's lips found one of her shoulders. "When?" He begged.

"After." He kissed her other shoulder.

"After when?"

"After we come from dinner where you'll shcmooze and booze with your colleagues."

He turned her around and smiled. "And then?"

"Then we'll come back here and do our own kind of schmoozing." Ben kissed her lips softly. "And I am ready to go."

In the car, Miranda caught Ben staring at her legs again. She intentionally raised her dress up a little to reveal more. He chuckled. "Being funny?"

"Maybe."

They walked into the conference room turned dinner party and looked around for the table that they were supposed to sit at. There were already four other people at the table, two women and two men. Miranda could practically hear Ben exhale. "I know one of them."

"Oh, that's good."

He guided her to the table and they introduced themselves. Three of the table guests were starting their residency much like Ben; the last man was married to the one of the women. Ben pulled out Miranda's chair and she sat down next to the other non-resident. Ben sat next to the guy that he knew and immediately started talking and laughing like old friends. A small part of her wanted to leave. This party wasn't for her. She'd been there before, an eager resident, so caught up with trying to fit in that she ignored her date. It'd happened with Tucker. They'd gone to one of these together and she didn't even pay attention when he'd gotten up from the table one time and never returned. She smiled to herself. She would have felt bad except Tucker had been such a jerk that night. Ben turned to her. "So, y'all, my lady, Miranda here, is a senior Attending and Head of General. She's also on track to be Chief of Surgery one day." His smile was so huge; she furrowed her eyebrows for a second. Somehow Ben's smiled widened. Everyone oohed and aahed, filling the table with laughter.

"What are you doing?"

He picked up her hand and locked his fingers between hers. "I'm just bragging," he said under his breath. She laughed. The waiter came by and took their orders. Miranda ordered white wine and was somewhat surprised that Ben was still holding onto her hand. She stroked his knuckles and he squeezed her hand. He would notice if she decided to leave. Ben went back to the ongoing discussion about the previous day. Miranda looked over at the other guy who was also absent from the conversations. He was a white man with long-hair and impeccably trimmed facial hair.

"You're Bobby, right?" Miranda asked.

He nodded. "Yes. And you're Mar—"

"Miranda."

"Right, Miranda." Bobby blushed.

Ben looked over at her and winked with a grin on his face. "Are you a surgeon?" Miranda asked.

He shook his head. "I know you are though." The man tipped an imaginary hat in her direction. "I coach men's basketball at the local community college."

"Nice."

"Are you saying that to be polite or…?" Bobby asked.

"No, I think it's cool. I love basketball. Ben and I are actually on a 3-on-3 team," Miranda answered with a genuine smile.

"Really?" She nodded. They chitchatted for a bit. "So, Miranda, do you have any words of advice for me?"

She looked at him, confused. "About what?"

"About being the spouse of a rookie surgeon." The two of them laughed.

Miranda picked up her glass of wine. "Um, pfft, uh, patience," she said. "And understanding." The shaggy-haired man nodded. "Residency will run her ragged and it will seem like she doesn't care, but she does. And it will be hard, so be easy with her."

"Thanks," Bobby commented as the MC started to speak. After a few speeches, music came on and Ben asked if she wanted to dance. He stood up and put his hand out. She took it eagerly and they headed to the dance floor.

"Stunning," Ben said to her.

"Huh?"

"I said you look stunning, baby. That dress, those shoes, you, perfect."

"Thank you."

His arms squeezed her body and he kissed her forehead. "I love you, sweetheart."

Miranda's stomach did a few flips. "I love you, too, Ben."

"So."

"So?" She repeated.

He made a face. "Uh, my new crew wants to go out tonight. You know to celebrate the last day before we come back to actually start the program." He looked at her, waiting for a response. Now her stomach was flipping for completely different reasons. She wanted him to have fun, but she also wanted to be with him. It was the last day of their trip after all. "Miranda?"

"Uh, yeah. Of course. You should go. I'm… I'm tired anyway, so if you could just, um," she clicked her tongue. "Take me back to the hotel. I will get in my pajamas and begin the last night of my vacation."

She shook his head. "Obviously you're invited, Miranda."

"It's fine. Be with your new friends." Ben looked around before kissing her lips deeply. His tongue moved in her mouth and he grabbed her face, making her smile. She could taste the champagne on his lips. They pulled away and she licked her own. "C'mon, let's go."

"What? No. Now?" She said, dropping her hands.

"Yes. Now."

"But…"

"But what?" He said kissing her cheek. They made their way back to their empty table to get their party favors. Everyone else was on the dance floor.

"It's so early. We've only danced to, like, two songs. And you should be mingling with your future colleagues, not trying to get under my dress."

"I wasn't even thinking about that," he said.

"Liar."

He bit his bottom lip. "Well, shit, now I definitely am."

"Hey, Warren! Warren! Come and tell them that story that you told me about your last patient," some guy that Miranda hadn't seen before screeched while coming up to them. He laughed loudly, stopping when he finally realized that Miranda was there. He apologized: "Sorry."

"It's okay," she said.

"Hi, I'm Joseph." Miranda told him her name and smiled politely. "Warren, buddy. Whenever you get a chance." Ben nodded quickly. The guy walked off.

"Go. Look, I'll take an Uber back to the hotel. You stay here and network and make allies and whatnot."

He cocked his head to the side. "You think I'm going to let you take a daggone Uber?" Her mouth dropped open. "Have I not been a gentleman from day one?" She started to interrupt. "You're my woman and you're way more important than this party. I'll have plenty of time to talk to them when I move out here."

"Okay," Miranda responded softly. She exhaled. How was she supposed to continue her life in Seattle without Ben by her side? No. She wasn't going to go down that rabbit hole again. Not right now. "Fine." He put his hand on her hip and they walked out. She gasped. "Aren't you going to tell your buddies that you're leaving?"

"They're doctors, they'll figure it out," he told her.

In the car, Miranda flipped through the stations until she landed on a song that was so familiar that it always took her back to the first time she heard it.

I look inside my crystal ball of desire and know why rapid beats my heart

She was almost to her twenties when the Stevie Wonder song had been released, but it quickly became one that she played every second of the day.

I see the spark, I feel the flame of the fire letting me know love wants to start

And she'd remembered feeling like this was the song that explained the love that she wanted. She wanted to be desired and wanted the comfort of knowing that someone wanted her.

And I want what I know is you/ Nobody has to tell me so it's you

How beautiful was it that she'd found that someone? So perfect that it was Ben. He was the model for the song. Whenever Miranda was with him, she felt pure excitement. His kiss electrified her and their attraction to each other was undeniable. When she wasn't with him, she craved him; his touch, his looks. She loved it all.

If only I had not waited I would have picked the wrong one, if only I had not waited for you

Miranda sang quietly, looking over at Ben who was focused on the road. He felt her eyes and smiled. "Stop gawking, Miranda." Ben's eyes went from her chest to her legs and quickly back to the road.

"Okay!"

"What? What?" He asked as they pulled into the parking lot of the hotel.

"You and your recent obsession with… my thighs!" She whispered "thighs" as if someone else would hear her.

"Miranda…"

"Yes, this entire weekend, you've been staring and squeezing and giving my thighs the royal seduction treatment."

"Royal seduction treatment?" He asked with a small smile.

"Yes!"

Ben's smile turned into full-blown laughter. "You say the oddest, most brilliant stuff sometimes. And you're beautiful."

"Perks of being a woman."

"And I love you for that." Miranda rotated in her seat to face him. She crossed her legs, exposing her knees and the bottom of her thighs. She studied his face; his facial expression showed one of intrigue. "You know what my favorite part of you is?"

"What is it?"

"Guess."

She inhaled softly, holding her breath. "Fine. Let me think." Ben got out of the car and walked around the vehicle, opening her car door. She stepped out onto the pavement and ironed out her dress with her hand. She'd had conversations like this with a few other guys, trying to prove to her how pretty and beautiful she was—so she already knew the stock answers. Her smile, her personality, cheeks. Tucker could never give an ultimate answer. But he adored her big, brown eyes. Anytime she looked at him a certain way or batted her lashes, she could get anything she wanted. Miranda asked about those assets and was surprised that none of them made him nod his head. She continued to ponder over the question as they made their way back to their room. Ben unlocked the door and held it open as Miranda walked into the room. The bed was made up and there was towel origami of a duck on the spread. She smiled and took off her shoes. She sat down, exhausted, moving the animal to the dresser.

He lay down next to her. "Finished thinking?"

They both turned on their sides, facing each other. Miranda wanted to reach up and touch his beard, but she stopped herself. "Um, my lips," she said. "I have a nice smile. Especially if I'm doing it genuinely." She gave him a sweet smile to prove her point. Ben smiled back and shook his head. She guessed again. "My…" Miranda sighed. "My hands?" Nope. "Feet?" She asked, screwing up her face. She hoped he rejected this one.

"Don't get me wrong, they're very sexy, but naw."

Miranda exhaled. "My butt? You touch it every chance you get."

He laughed. "What do you want me to say?" She crossed her arms. "You have a nice ass!"

Miranda scoffed and waved him off, making him crack up. "My breasts?" She blushed.

Ben bit his bottom lip and squinted. By his look, she'd finally guessed correctly. "I am in love with your chest, but—"

"Ugh! I hope it's not my calves or my ears?"

His head jerked back and he shook it wildly. "Want me to tell you?" He grinned. The sureness in his voice intrigued her. She'd named no less than ten parts of her being. And with each one, he'd shaken his head, his lips parting at each answer to reveal a knowing smile. What was it that he knew? That he liked? She hoped it wasn't something weird like her elbow.

She sighed again. "Tell me."

"Your thighs."

"My-my thighs? My thighs?!" She blushed so hard that her hands flew to her face to cover the redness and extinguish the heat. "You're sure?"

"I am very sure." He licked his lips—his gorgeous lips. "And I didn't just become obsessed. I've always been a fan." His hands reached out and touched her right thigh. Their first connection since leaving the party. He dragged his fingers along her body, tracing the outside of her thigh through her dress. She shivered and he inched closer. "I love the dimples on them," he said speaking into the quiet, near dark room. "I love how they spill out of my palms." His digits continued to tickle her right thigh. Her left leg jumped jealously. "I love how they feel in my hands, Miranda. They feel so damn good." Her eyes closed as his other hand sprung into action, completely possessing her. This confession was almost too sensual, even for her. Her head rolled back as he squeezed the bottom of her thigh and then moved his hand away so that he was barely touching her at all. She swallowed hard. Her thighs? For some reason, she couldn't imagine that this was the right answer. His hands went to the back of her rippled thighs, the ones she'd hated for being so large and flabby, coated with stretch marks—the ones he loved. Her heart beat? Weak. Her pulse? Thready. Breathing was a thing of the past; she'd stopped a long time ago. And she was so beyond aroused that she was so close to flat-lining; but it was worth it. Wasn't it worth it? Worth. Miranda used to make the mistake of putting the value of her being on what men thought—specifically Tucker. She'd figured that how he treated her was how she was supposed to be treated. But now she knew the truth. She was not only supposed to be seen as beautiful, but to be respected. Not only to be loved, but to be cherished. And seen as a wonder. That's how Ben saw her. He looked at her and was honestly thankful when she looked back. "Miranda?" He asked as both hands moved between her thighs, slowly making her wetter.

"Yes," she answered boldly. Whatever the question was, she didn't care. He could touch her, kiss her, make love to her—anything he wanted.

He laughed a little. "I like to run my finger up your legs and hear the moment when you start holding your breath." She let out a wry laugh when she realized that that's exactly what she was doing. "Does this make you uncomfortable?" He asked, kissing her cheek.

She nodded: "Yes."

His hands became still. "Do you want me to stop?" The heat behind her eyes and the pull in her heart wanted to say "yes". He was here. Saying things and doing things that she'd never had said to her or done to her before, seducing her. Maybe that was the point. "Baby? You want me stop?" The corner of his bottom lip was pulled in and he looked so sexy.

She felt a tear in the corner of her left eye. Miranda nearly shouted her objection, but managed a swift: "No."

"Me either," he responded with a wink. Miranda's mouth opened and she closed her eyes and listened. The room was silent. The TV was off, no sounds from the hall, the clock on the wall moved, but made no noise. What she could hear was the two of them breathing. Hers was breathy; his coarse. She opened her eyes to see Ben looking at her. His chest was on her shoulder, his leg pushing hers. Neither one of them of moved.

"So, uh," she started while licking her lips. "Is… that all?" She was glad that she was able to get the words out. Glad that he couldn't hear in her voice how much she wanted him to go on—how much control he actually had.

"No," he said confidently. She started to speak. Ben poked out his lips. "Well…" His voice trailed off as he backed away from her, removing his hands from her body, making Miranda's lungs fill with air—finally. And it was a feeling that she didn't particularly like: their physical connection being broken. She glanced up at him. He reached behind his head and pulled his shirt off in one movement, revealing his hairy and chiseled chest. He was so smooth. Ben pushed her back a little. She fell onto the bed. Ben maneuvered between Miranda's legs, keeping his hands underneath her thighs, lightly stroking them with his fingers. "And if I'm, uh…" A smile eased across his face. "When I'm going down on you…" A small sigh escaped her lips. She loved when he went down on her; he never stopped pleasuring her until she absolutely couldn't take anymore, making her scream with pure delight. "…clamp them shut and your feet land on my back. And your thighs press my head so hard that I stop breathing for a few seconds." They both inhaled at the same time. Miranda touched his head, her nails running over his scalp. She smiled at him and he returned it. "But it's okay, baby. It's really okay. It means I'm doing my job." Miranda looked at her boyfriend. She wanted to kiss him so badly. She wanted to both get rid of and enhance the aching feeling in her gut; she needed his lips all over her body, quenching her thirst. She bit her bottom lip hard and tried to steady her breathing. So deep in her thoughts, she didn't hear him talking again. "—making love and they tighten around me." He growled loudly. She was afraid he'd wake the people next door. He bit his lip, squinting at her. Miranda's tongue circled her lips. Her heart was hitting the inside of her chest. He continued: "It's so hot. You pulling me deeper into you." Ben's fingers finally moved up an inch. His touch was so light and so humble that her body popped. "And the further I go up your beautiful thighs with kisses, the closer I get to…" He kissed her left thigh, the one he'd ignored in the beginning. He kissed it softly, apologizing. Miranda lifted her hips off of the bed. She'd had enough and wanted more. She grabbed his naked back, holding him as he pushed her dress up, revealing more of her body. "May I?" He asked, pushing her panties to the side and licking slowly before she could respond. His tongue danced across her body, sucking on her. He kissed her thighs again, his beard brushing her skin.

She closed her legs shut, producing a feeling that made her eyes roll back. "Yesss," she hissed, finally giving him an answer. "Yes!"

His mouth occupied itself, the blade of his tongue worked to ease her into submission. He touched her butt, picking her up a little, putting her body directly on his face. Her legs snapped shut, holding him steady. He pried them open. Miranda looked down to see a huge smile on his face. She smiled back. He was such a creep. "So what do you think?"

What do I think? What did she think?She thought he was insane for loving the part of her body that she liked least. Or maybe she was insane for liking her thighs least. The way Ben described them, they were supposed to be relished, not despised. "I think… I-I… I don't know what I think."

His tongue swiped his bottom lip. "Do you like your thighs?" Miranda mulled over the question in her head. If she wasn't before, she was surely thinking differently about them now. Were they that alluring? She smiled. "Let me help you out with that answer." Ben sat up and started to unbutton his pants. He got undressed and helped her do the same. Their skin touched in so many places. He lay on top of her, easing into her, handling her gently like he always did. Their sweat mixed as they moved, no lubricant was needed. He pressed his hips into hers, grinding, slowly at first; then speeding up with every moment. Miranda pulled him down and kissed him. Pushing her tongue around in his mouth, enjoying his flavor and grateful for the opportunity to taste him.

"Ben…" Miranda said softly as he kissed her breasts, licking her nipples, biting her skin. He didn't answer. "Ben! Ben!"

"Yes, baby," Ben growled. More rhythm. More passion. More everything. "Yes, Miranda."

She touched his breasts, sliding her hands down and grabbing any part of him that she could. Miranda crossed her ankles as Ben hit a spot that made her scream. "Ahhhhh! God, baby! Damn it!" He nodded and continued to pound her body. Miranda came first, ripping the linens off of the bed, the fitted sheet curling toward her. Ben slowed down and followed seconds later, grunting into her ear and revving her up again. Making love to him with a clear mind and giving her body to him was all that she'd ever imagined. She exhaled and released her nails from his back and shoulder. Neither one of them spoke for a long time. She closed her eyes and pulled in her bottom lip. "That felt so good."

"Amazing."

"Fantastic."

"Best I ever had." They laughed and he pulled her into his arms. She kissed his chest.

"You're the best I ever had," she responded softly and truthfully. He nodded. "No one has ever appreciated me and… my body the way you do."

"I love it. And sorry if I was too aggressive about your legs, Miranda. I think I got carried away, but I'm so in love with you."

Ben's confession was so earnest that the hairs on her arms stood at attention. "No, no. It wasn't too aggressive. It was just right. I didn't know someone could get so worked up about… thighs—about my thighs." She touched her thighs, rapidly falling in love with them.

He chuckled. "They're what give your body its curve." He swept his fingers down her body, sending chills down her spine. "And, sweetheart, I love your curves." Ben grabbed her head and played in her hair. "This is all I'm going to be thinking about whenever I go to sleep in this town." He sighed and kissed her cheek.

"What?"

"You."

Miranda laughed nervously. This is what she'd been avoiding, thinking about their Seattle-Los Angeles relationship. She'd never done a long distance romantic relationship before. The idea had only come up once before—with Tucker. He'd gotten a job offer in Boston while she was a year into her residency. They'd gone back and forth for weeks debating whether or not he should take it. It was the perfect opportunity and Miranda had told him to go for it. Why not? He deserved the chance to follow his dreams like she was following hers. They didn't have any kids—it was a great time. But in the end, they'd decided against it. They were young and their marriage, in his eyes, couldn't survive the distance. But now, she was older and much wiser. "Stop, Ben."

"I'm serious." Ben sat up, making Miranda have to adjust. "I've been thinking about this a lot lately."

"About what?"

"Us." He looked at her and reached for her hands. "You and I. I don't know."

"I'm confused," Miranda said tugging at the covers and bringing them up to her neck even though she was already warm. "I thought we weren't having this discussion until we got back to Seattle." He shrugged and an uneasy smile crossed his face. "No, listen, this, what we have, it won't change. I mean, it will, but it won't." She smiled at him, touching his cheek. "I will always love you. I will always be here. For you. For us. And… and support you and care about you. I—"

Ben leaned over and kissed her. "You don't have to say all of that."

"I'll say what I want." He made a face and touched her chin. "But it's all true."

"I know."

She yawned and found that she couldn't stop a second one from escaping her lips. "Thanks for tiring me out."

"Oh, you're most welcome, ma'am. It was my absolute pleasure." Miranda blushed and turned over. Ben moved behind her, putting his arms around her waist and kissing the back of her head. "Goodnight, baby."