A/n: a cheeky two chapter update as the last one was so short
"I dunno mum. He says he still loves me but…." Rose sighed, playing with the chip on her cup. She looked up as Jack sat down next to Jackie.
"Rose, do us all a favour and talk to your boyfriend."
"What? Why? What's he said?"
Jack scrubbed his face, looked at Jackie then back at Rose. "Think back over all the things that have been said between the two of you since he got back."
"What's going on?" Rose's mum asked.
"A lot of miscommunication and this time it's not entirely his fault," he told her.
"What are you talking about?" Rose demanded.
"What's the one thing you'd like to hear if roles were reversed? If you'd been through everything he had."
"I told him it was ok, that it wasn't his fault," Rose told him.
"What wasn't his fault? What happened?" Jackie asked.
"Please don't ask mum. Just trust us."
"Yeah you did, but what's the one thing you haven't told him? The thing he probably wants to hear more than anything?" Jack said through gritted teeth. He couldn't believe she was going to make him spell it out.
Rose just looked at him.
He growled. "You love him right?"
"Of course!"
"Then don't you think you should tell him that? Rose, you asked him outright if he still loved you. Unequivocally, his answer was yes. You didn't say it back! In his mental state don't you think he might need to hear the same? He's hurt, feeling alone and trying to deal with his own misplaced guilt."
Rose just stared at him. "He thinks I don't love him?"
"He lost you and got you back not long before this new mess started. Not such a huge leap for his mind to go back there with recent events. You need to talk to him; properly."
"Will someone please tell me; what's going on?" Jackie demanded.
Rose got up and ran towards the ship, she was on the brink of tears again.
XxXxX
He was still under the grating but didn't appear to be doing much.
"Doctor?" Rose called quietly.
"Thought you were seeing your mum," he replied, head popping up through the opening. He saw the tears on her face and climbed out, trying to ignore the protests of his body. "What's wrong? What's happened?"
She looked at him for a moment, her Doctor looking back at her over the rim of his glasses, searching her face before his eyes shied away, hair a mess and clothing rumpled. But in that moment he looked like his old self, tired but very definitely her Doctor. His own pain disappearing from his face.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Worry flashed across his face. This is it, he thought. This is her telling me it's over, that I've done too much damage. He felt his hearts begin to race, his breathing became shallow and fast. That sick feeling rooted itself in the pit of his stomach. He watched her every move, his breath catching in his throat, barely daring to breathe anymore.
She hesitantly stepped forward and leaned into him, expecting him to run. But he didn't. He was rooted to the spot. She gently lifted her lips to his and kissed him.
It took several moments for him to react but they both let out breaths of relief when his hands cupped her face.
His response was gentle and she could feel his tension and uncertainty but he was kissing her back and it was a start. Pulling back, he rested his forehead against hers.
"I missed you," she told him. "I'm sorry and I love you."
A shaky breath escaped the Doctor as he pulled her to him tightly. "You have no idea how much I've missed you."
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I got so caught up in what I shouldn't do that I forgot to do what I SHOULD."
"What do you mean? Shouldn't do what?" He pulled back again and looked down at her, puzzled.
She avoided his gaze and sniffled.
The Doctor groaned. "Come on," he said, spinning her around and pushing her down the corridor to the kitchen. "Sit," he gestured towards the table, before reaching into the larder and retrieving a bowl of chips. He heated them up and returned to the table, sitting opposite her. "Right. What were you saying? Should and shouldn't?"
Rose grabbed a chip and sighed.
"Rose?"
She looked up at him and her hearts clenched slightly. His cuts and bruises weren't as fresh as when he first appeared but he still looked so tired and worried. He still had the weight of the world on his shoulders and here he was worrying about her.
"I thought I shouldn't touch you without asking or ask questions. But then you hugged my mum and….but when I touch you you're so tense I just…" Her voice trailed off.
The Time Lord sighed, pushed his glasses to the top of his head and rubbed his face, unsure of where to start. He leant on the table, arms folded and looked at her. It was the first time he held her gaze without it sliding away after a moment or two and she felt a fissure of happiness. "I don't mean to, I can't help it."
"I know," she replied honestly.
"It's just… the thing is I…," he sighed again and leant back in his chair, tongue swiping along his bottom lip as he tried to find the right words. "God this is horrible."
"You don't have to explain. I shouldn't have said anything," Rose assured him.
"Not talking about it doesn't make it go away though does it?"
"True. But maybe you're just not ready to talk about it, maybe you just need more time."
"I've had three months. I mean, it's been three months but the last contact, the last person to..."
"The last person to touch you was…."
"The Rahmeev, yeah," he choked out. He could feel his heart rate increasing, sweat pricking at his forehead. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes for a moment before he continued, regaining a little control. "Close contact anyway. Can't stop people patting you on the back or grabbing your shoulder but," he shrugged. "I just tense up and I can't seem to stop myself."
"How does it make you feel?"
"Hard to explain. It's complicated. If it's my choice it's not so bad, just a bit… weird."
"How do you mean?"
He puffed his cheeks out. "It's my choice but inside I'm worried about how it'll make me feel and that makes me tense and uncomfortable," he admitted.
"And if it's not your choice?"
He cleared his throat. "All out panic and nausea."
"What about earlier with my mum? I heard you whimper but I thought that was because you were in pain."
"Bit of both. There wasn't really much warning and it was over quickly," he shrugged.
Rose stayed silent. There were a million things she wanted to ask him but only some were appropriate.
"He was angry with us, with me," the Doctor said. "He'd heard us talking."
"I know. He spoke to me," she told him. "Did you hear him?"
He shook his head. "Once he's in control I can't hear or see anything. I'm just left with the memory of it." Here came that nausea again. "That's why he went looking for trouble." The air felt like it was getting thinner. "That's why…" he needed to breathe, "that's why he went looking for the Rah… Rahmee…The..." He lurched to his feet and whirled around, unsure of what he was looking for.
Rose jumped up and grabbed a tea towel, running it under the cold tap. She darted back to him and placed it on the back of his neck as he sank to the floor. "Doctor. It's ok," she cooed, pressing a kiss to his forehead without thinking.
Feeling the gentle pressure of her lips the Doctor's head whipped up to look at her.
"Sorry, habit," Rose told him, scared that she'd pushed him. But in the next instant his lips met hers, desperate and breathless. Her hearts sang as he continued to kiss her, his tongue duelling with hers until they both needed to draw breath. She offered him a smile before he gathered her into his arms.
"I'm sorry," he whispered into her neck.
"Don't ever apologise for kissing me or needing me. I'm just lost," she admitted. "I don't know what I should do or shouldn't do. But whatever you need is fine by me."
He pulled back and took the towel from his neck, wiping his face with it. "That one wasn't so bad," he sighed, moving back to the table.
Rose grabbed her chair and pulled it round so she was sat next to him, before reaching for another chip. "I remember when Jimmy got a bit….enthusiastic one night on the way home from a club. He'd taken some pills or something and got really handsy, he pulled me into an alley and pushed me up against a wall." She knew the Doctor was watching her, she could see him out the corner of her eye. "Luckily, or unluckily, I'm my mother's daughter so a sharp knee persuaded him otherwise. I ran from the alley all the way to Mickey's and hid there for the night. I'd told mum I was going out with the girls and staying at Shareen's so I never had to tell her. That was before me and Mickey got together. Can you believe Jimmy actually came looking for me the next day, expecting things to be normal?" She looked at him, could see the concern on his face, the pain in his eyes. "I was lucky. Some people aren't."
"You never said before."
She shrugged "It's a bit of a non-story really. Besides, he's nothing now. Shame he doesn't remember…. Never mind."
"Remember me trying to kill him?"
"Might've knocked some sense into him," she muttered.
"Think that was the last time I could influence him while he was awake." The Doctor rested his head on his hand, elbow propped on the table.
"You stopped him killing Jimmy."
He nodded.
"And the guys in Downing Street?"
"I couldn't stop him slowing their heart rates but I could control how low they went. After that and our chat he doubled down on me and I was trapped." He reached out to stroke her cheek, his fingers hovering at her temple.
"You can you know. I don't mind."
"I can't. He might find a way into your mind."
Rose couldn't hide her disappointment.
"Believe me I want to," he sighed. "I want that connection so badly but it's not safe."
They fell into an almost easy silence, eating chips. He even held her hand, interlinking their fingers.
"You're meant to be with your mum," he suddenly reminded her.
"Oh god. I'll never hear the end of this."
"Go on. Go make it up to her," he gave her a small smile. "I've got to get back under the TARDIS anyway."
"Promise you'll be alright?"
"Of course."
"Maybe you should get some rest?" she suggested, cupping his cheek.
"I can't. Not until he's gone."
"So what, you're not gona sleep at all?!"
"Everything ok in here?" Jack asked walking over to the coffee machine.
"Yeah fine," Rose sighed.
"If I sleep it's not me that wakes up. I've survived a lot longer without sleep."
"But you weren't in pain then!"
"Rose, I'd lost you to a parallel world. That was the worst pain I've ever felt," the Time Lord told her. "I can't risk losing control to him. I'll sleep when it's over."
She frowned at him, showing her displeasure and the Doctor gave a tired chuckle before pulling her in for a hug and pressing a kiss to the top of her head. "Go on, shove off," he smiled softly, gently pushing her out of the kitchen door and watching her disappear back out to Torchwood.
"You ok?" Jack asked, handing him the damp tea towel.
The Time Lord gratefully took it and swiped it across his neck and down his face, before collapsing back into the chair.
Jack sat opposite him, picking at the remaining chips. "Needed more vinegar," he said. "So do you feel as green as you look?"
"Probably. It's not that I don't want to touch her and it's not her that makes me feel sick, it's me! There's something really wrong with me," the Doctor groaned.
"Let me ask you one thing. When someone touches you like that; a hug or whatever. Even when it's your choice and you close your eyes; where does your mind go? What do you see?"
The Doctor paled even more.
"That's what I thought. Your brain is tricking you. Might even be the other guy trying to freak you out. You gotta go easy on yourself."
"I miss her. I want to go back to the way things were. I want to be able to touch her without worrying that my skin's going to start crawling."
"It'll happen. You've just gotta find a way of stopping the Rahmeev appearing in your mind's eye every time someone touches you."
Sighing, the Time Lord's head dropped to his hands. "I'm such a mess."
"Yeah but you're worth it. I take it you've sorted things out with Rose?" Jack smirked.
"Thank you."
"What for?"
The Doctor looked up at him and was surprised he could hold his friend's gaze. "You meddled."
"Well, maybe a bit."
He nodded "I better get back to work."
"Need a hand?"
"I don't think so. Could do with the company though, if you've got nowhere else to be?"
"You kidding? Rose is off to chat with her mum and Mickey and Martha are making goo-goo eyes at each other. Definitely safer in here."
The men grinned at each other before heading back to the control room.
"Are you sure I can't help?" Jack asked as the Doctor climbed back under the grating, groaning and hissing as he went.
"It's fine. Keeps me on my toes," the Doctor replied. "Go ahead. Ask."
"Ask what?" Jack peered down through the grating.
"All the things you've been dying to ask since the weevils."
"Really?"
"If I can answer them I will. Might take time though."
"How did you figure being hurt keeps him at bay?"
The Doctor took a deep breath. "He….did something and I ended up with broken ribs, he disappeared leaving me to deal with it. Add that to him retreating when you punched me and then when you grabbed me by the throat; seemed a safe bet."
"So what? You just kept looking for trouble after that?"
"Sometimes…"
"And if you didn't find any?"
There was a heavy silence.
"Doctor? What did you do?"
"I always found trouble. It's in my DNA."
Jack chuckled "well that's for damned sure."
There was a loud clanging and some hissing before the Doctor reappeared at the maintenance hatch.
"Do you actually know what you're doing?"
"Do I ever?" the Doctor countered with a grin. "Jack, lock those doors and get back round behind me."
Jack obeyed and planted himself behind the Time Lord.
"Ready?"
"For what?"
The Doctor pulled a lever and golden tendrils crept out from the control panel.
"You did it!" Jack cheered as the Doctor shut it down again.
"Not bad. Not bad at all," the Doctor sighed with relief. "Amazing what I can do when she wants to co-operate."
XxXxX