"I just don't understand what's so bad you can't tell your own mother!" Jackie squeaked.
"I'm sorry. It's not my place to say. Just trust me when I say it's alright."
"No it's not. Any fool can see that from the state of him. Are you safe with him?"
"Probably not," the Doctor's voice sounded from behind, causing them both to jump.. "Not at the minute anyway."
He didn't look angry, standing in his blue suit, hands stuffed in his pockets. He just looked blank which worried Rose a little.
Martha and Mickey looked up from the computers on hearing his voice.
"Everything ok, boss?" Mickey called.
"Yeah, TARDIS is ready whenever he is," he replied, striding over to them. "No change?"
"Not yet but it's only been a couple of hours. Any idea how he's travelling?" Martha asked, trying not to analyse him.
"None. Never gave it much thought before. He always just seemed to appear." Keeping his gaze focussed on the computers, he could feel everyone watching him, almost as if they were waiting for his next breakdown and that made him anxious.
Rose saw his shoulders tense and his breathing increase. She wished they had their connection back, so she could hear what was on in his mind.
Jack appeared behind her and placed a hand on her shoulder, having followed the Doctor out of the TARDIS.
A few more minutes of looking at nothing on the computer the Doctor straightened and turned back to the room.
They were all staring and he growled lightly to himself as he looked from face to face. Pity on every one, except for Jackie; she just looked confused.
"You can all stop that, right now," he announced.
"Stop what?" Martha asked.
"Looking at me like that."
"Like what?"
"Like you pity me," he spat.
"Doctor?" Rose called quietly, standing and stepping towards him.
"We're not," Martha argued.
"It's the same look you all gave me when you found out my planet was gone. It's a look I know well. So just stop it."
"Doctor, we're just worried about you," Rose said.
"I know. It's lovely. Now stop it." He scowled as he stalked back towards the TARDIS, unable to take their scrutiny any more.
"Doc," Jack called, "where are you going?"
"Home. Is that alright with everyone?
"I'll come with you," he offered. "Keep you company."
"I DON'T…" the Doctor yelled then stopped himself. "I don't need babysitting. Thank you."
"That's not.."
"Jack! Everyone, please. Just stop. I need you to stop."
"Stop what?" Rose asked gently.
He looked at her with such sadness.
"I need you all to stop waiting for me to fall apart. Stop thinking that I'm incapable of functioning. Stop feeling sorry for me."
"What would you rather we do?" Rose kept her voice as even as she could, sure that she knew what his answer was going to be.
"Anything. Anything other than this! Be angry." The muscles in his jaw twitched.
"About what?"
"All of it."
"Like you?"
"Yeah why not." He fling his arms out." Be angry like me. Be angry AT me!" he growled, hitting his chest.
"Why? Why should we be angry at you?"
"BECAUSE IT'S MY FAULT!" He exploded. "Because it's all my fault." Deflated, he sagged back against the TARDIS, head banging against the wood, arms folded.
"How do you figure that?" Mickey asked, stepping forward. "Seems to me like someone went for a joy ride and left you to pick up the pieces."
The Doctor snorted.
"Am I wrong? I mean, I thought we'd covered this. Did you go willingly? Cause if you did then I'd be the first to crow and you know it."
"Well we're the same person so I guess, yeah, I did."
"The same person? Really? I mean I know it's complicated and an idiot like me probably won't understand it," Mickey's snarky tone wasn't helping the Doctor's mood, "but, seems to me it's like a split personality thing. "
"If one cant stop the other's actions or behaviour then how are they to blame?" Martha elaborated. "If Mickey went out and did it, would you blame me?"
Great so Martha knew as well.
"Did what? What are you all babbling about?!" Jackie squawked.
The others looked at each other sheepishly then at the Doctor.
He scoffed, shaking his head. "Oh why not? Everyone else bloody knows!" he exclaimed, turning to the TARDIS. "Better yet, why not announce it in a FAMILY FUCKING NEWSLETTER?!" the Doctor yelled, slapping the wood before slamming the door behind him. He leant heavily against the entrance and slid down to the floor, head in his hands.
It wasn't their fault. He knew that. They didn't deserve to be yelled at and he'd regretted it the instant he slammed the door shut behind him.
Sighing he grabbed at his hair, as he hid his face in his arms, willing himself not to cry, when he felt the door judder against his back.
XxXxX
There was a stunned silence as the slamming door echoed through the room.
"Did he just swear?!" Martha asked finally.
"Yeah. It's a new thing," Jack replied.
"Never seen him so stressed. I mean I've seen him stressed, but this? This is," she blew her cheeks out when she failed to find the right word.
"That was my fault," Mickey said. "I shouldn't have said anything."
"You were bound to tell Martha at some point," Jack replied as Rose went to the TARDIS doors.
"Well I wish someone would tell me!" Jackie declared.
Jack looked at Rose and shrugged 'what do I say?'
"Whatever you think," Rose told him tiredly.
"Tell you what?" Pete asked strolling through the doors.
"Oh here he is, always arrives after the drama!" Jackie moaned.
"What? What have I missed?"
Rose rolled her eyes and tried to push the door open but it didn't budge. "Doctor?" she called. She waited but there was no reply. Sighing she sat down leaning against the wood and waited.
"Maybe we should grab some coffee or something, you know, over there. Away from the TARDIS," Martha suggested, dragging Mickey away. "And when I say we I mean EVERYONE!" she called, glaring at Jackie, Pete and Jack.
Jack smiled at here. "Sounds like a brilliant idea, Miss Jones," he agreed, dragging Jackie and Pete after him, leaving Rose sat on the floor, listening for any movement.
"Doctor? Please let me in."
XxXxX
He could hear the crack in Rose's voice as she pleaded with him to answer her, to let her in. Why wasn't she mad at him, why wasn't she yelling at him? She had every right to be yelling at him, they all did.
Taking a deep breath he stood and opened the door, hiding behind it as she stepped in.
"I'm sorry," he whispered as the door closed behind her.
When she looked at him, his bottom lip quivered and his eyes filled. He looked lost and broken.
"I don't know how to help you," she cried quietly. "I want to, but I don't know how." She felt helpless standing in front of him while he desperately tried not to cry.
"I just want things to go back to they way they were," he whimpered.
"I know. So do I. One step at a time, yeah?" She offered him a sad smile.
He shook his head. "Don't be nice to me."
"Why not?"
"I don't deserve you being nice to me."
"Says who?"
"Me. The universe. Everyone out there." He pointed to the doors.
"Oh, well, I don't care what they or the universe says, and I rarely listen to you."
In spite of himself the Doctor chuckled. "I'm so sorry," he said again, his face crumpled and reached for her, folding her into his arms and crying into her shoulder.
Rose wrapped her arms around him gently and rubbed his back. She felt his hearts racing and his muscles tense under his jacket but said nothing, she just silently let her own tears fall.
She didn't know how long they stood there, she didn't really care if she was being honest, she was just glad to have her Time Lord back in her arms, she didn't know how long it would be before he felt brave enough to be in them again.
His cries began to quiet and his breathing began to calm. Raising his head a little he pressed a kiss to her temple. "I'm sorry," he whispered for the umpteenth time.
"I'm gona ban you from saying that," she told him.
"You can't. I have to say it to everyone out there."
"Sod them out there," she muttered into his shoulder. He hadn't let go yet so she sure as hell wasn't going to and she felt him snigger.
"Don't think your mum would appreciate that."
"She should learn to keep her nose out."
"She's just worried about you."
"No, she's intrusive," Rose countered. "She needs to learn that I don't have to tell her everything, that things happen that don't involve her."
"She's your mum. She'll never learn that. That's what parents do. I mean, this is the woman who told Pete to bugger off back to his world on his own because she wasn't leaving you. She loves you," he told her.
Rose felt a bubble of happiness as she felt him lightly stroke her hair and sighed. "I know. She loves you too. She worries about you when you're not right."
"Mm. I've started to notice," he frowned.
"Does it bother you?"
"Not really I suppose. Bit odd having a woman a fraction of my age act like my mum."
"Weirder than having an even younger one act like your girlfriend?"
"Eugh, I hate that description."
"Why?" Rose tensed a little, wondering where this was going.
He pulled back slightly to look down at her. "Because you're more than that. You're so much more important than that. Girlfriend," he sneered at the word in disgust. "It just sounds… temporary. Insignificant. I mean it's alright when you're a teenager I suppose, everything is temporary then, even if you don't realise it."
Rose couldn't help the grin that spread across her face. He was babbling. He was still holding her and babbling.
"What? Why are you smiling at me like that?"
"Nothing. Doesn't matter," she told him.
He didn't push. He just stared at her for a moment, happy to bask in her smile. He realised that he wasn't sweating, and his hearts weren't racing. He was holding her close and his skin wasn't crawling. Maybe he'd broken through that barrier. It had been his choice, his need to hug her, to take comfort in her arms. Maybe the crying had masked the other feelings at the time, but right now he felt ok. "Rose," he whispered. "My beautiful Rose."
"Yes. Your Rose. Always your Rose," she assured him.
He smiled softly at her. "I need you to kiss me."
Rose looked at him quizzically.
"I'm scared," he said bluntly. "I'm scared that this feeling is going to go away. I'm scared that the panic and anger is going to come back, I'm scared of what they all know. I'm.."
Rose's lips met his, stopping him from continuing. It was a gentle, almost lazy kiss. One with no expectations or pressure. She felt the tension in his body ease a little more as he sighed against her lips.
Eventually he pulled back, resting his forehead against hers. "And I'm scared that your mum is going to slap me."
Rose giggled. "What for?"
"Shouting, swearing. The Rahmeev." He'd managed to say it. Sure his hearts were racing a bit but he'd managed to say it without panicking.
Rose smiled up at him. "If she does I'll never speak to her again. Besides I don't know what they've told her." She felt him shift positions slightly. " How's the shoulder holding up?"
"Painfully," he sighed. "Everything is painful and tiring. And frightening." His admission surprised Rose.
"Do you want to sit down?" She guided him to the jump-seat, never losing contact.
"I want to curl up and sleep. I want to crawl into bed and not show my face for a month," he told her, sitting heavily with a groan of effort.
"Is there really no way we can do it? Get you some rest I mean? Not hide for a month, not yet anyway."
"I can't take the risk. If I wake up as him I don't know what he'll say, or do. I don't know that I'll be able to get back. I can't ask people to keep hurting me, and I'm not sure how much more pain I can take."
She held his gaze and nodded. She didn't want to argue with him. "We're all set in here though right? We've just gotta find him."
"Yeah."
"I guess we're hoping it doesn't take too long, although hope seems like the wrong word."
"It does, doesn't it?" He looked down at their entwined fingers and lifted them to his lips. "I've missed this. I've missed us."
"Me too." Rose smiled at him.
"Time to be brave I suppose," he sighed, pushing himself up.
"I'm right beside you. I'm not going anywhere."
Feeling bolder, the Doctor cupped her cheek and kissed her once more before heading for the door.
XxXxX