As a familiar creak sounded, everyone turned to look towards the TARDIS. The Doctor stepped out, Rose's hand gripped firmly in his.
He cleared his throat as his free hand rubbed the back of his neck. "That was unacceptable. I'm sorry."
His friends smiled at him, all except Jackie. She threw herself at him, arms enveloping him. "Oh sweetheart. I'm sorry," she cooed.
"Jackie, please. Jackie I need you to stop, Jack…. Ja…" he was losing his breath, he knew what was coming, he couldn't even get his arms to work to push her away. He was frozen.
Rose was trying to pry her mum loose, make her listen. "Mum! Get off him! Mum!"
As the Doctor lost his balance he took Jackie down with him. He was paralysed under her, his hearts vibrating through him, rushing in his ears. He squeezed his eyes shut as he left her lifted from him.
As Jack and Rose removed her mother, Martha rushed over holding a paper bag to his mouth. "Just breathe," she said. "Easier said than done I know but breathe just like you always do."
Blindly he took hold of the bag and rolled to his side, trying to block out the fuss around him.
"Everyone just back up. He needs air and room," Martha instructed.
Pete guided a protesting Jackie away as the others all stepped back.
"How was he? Before this?" he whispered In Rose's ear.
"Better," she smiled shakily. "I suppose this was due. He did really well in there."
"Can't be easy for him, trying to control everything."
Rose covertly tapped her temple, letting Jack know she was going to talk to him without prying ears. 'He said he's scared, he's tired, he's angry. He wants things back to normal, he can't rest because he's worried he won't be able to maintain control. And he's pain, all the time.'
'Ah jeeze. The weight of the world on his shoulders and he's been trying to do it alone for three months, whilst being in pain. Did he say anything else?'
'No, he just held me and asked me to kiss him.'
'How did he cope with that?'
'I think he surprised himself. He was a bit tense but he relaxed after a while'
Jack squeezed her hand as the Doctor began to sit up.
"You ok? Medically speaking?" Martha asked. "Didn't hit your head or anything?
"No, I'm fine," he rasped. "Thank you."
Martha nodded as Rose took her place. He looked into his lover's face.
"Don't even think about it. This wasn't your fault," Rose told him. "Do not apologise."
He sighed and scrubbed at his hair.
"It won't be forever," she told him. "Look how you did with me. It's going to take time, and it's rubbish but you'll get past it. WE'LL get past it."
"I guess everyone knows now."
Rose looked up at her mum and Pete. "Looks like it. I'm sorry."
"Don't you start," he laughed humourlessly. "I suppose it was only a matter of time. They'd have found out one way or another."
"At least she didn't slap you," Rose offered a silver lining.
"Think I'd prefer the slap." Wincing, he stiffly got to his feet and cleared his throat. "I'm er… I'm afraid I'm not very good with hugs at the moment. Or touching of any kind if I'm honest. Sorry Jackie. For once it's really a case of 'it's not you, it's me'. I know you all mean well but when you're on my side of it… " he took a deep breath, "it feels different and it's difficult to be rational so I've got to step back a bit while I work things out."
"I'm sorry sweetheart," Jackie said.
"No, don't do that," he told her. "Don't apologise."
"Why not?"
"What are you apologising for? Hugging me?"
"Well no."
"Then don't, please. It's hard enough living with it, thinking about it, without knowing you're all thinking about it too. So please. Don't feel sorry for me. Don't make out that it's something other than what it was."
"And what was it?" Jack asked, earning a dark look from the Doctor.
There was a pause as he found the right words. "It was my….alter ego; trying and succeeding to hurt me. Us." He looked at Rose and reached for her hand.
Jack grinned.
"Which you had no control over, right?" Mickey raised his eyebrows daring the Doctor to contradict him.
"I think I preferred you as Ricky the idiot," the Doctor complained.
"Am I wrong though?"
"No," he sighed. "You're not wrong. Still doesn't make it easier to stomach."
"No one said it would. But the sooner you accept it, the sooner you can work on fixing it," Martha told him.
XxXxX
The team broke up into shifts to monitor the computers, all insisting that the Doctor try and get some rest, even if it wasn't actual sleep.
Bone tired and hurting all over he reluctantly agreed, collapsing on the sofa. He stared at the television, not really watching it. "You're doing it again," he complained without looking at either of his companions.
"Doing what?" Jack asked from his arm chair.
"Watching me, waiting for me to have a meltdown. It doesn't help, it puts me more on edge and more likely to have one." His line of sight didn't change.
Rose shifted in her chair, it felt wrong to be in the living room with him but not sat next to him. Normally she'd be snuggled into his side or have her head resting in his lap, not sat on the other side of the room. But she was determined to give him the space he needed, she'd let him set the pace.
He could see Rose out of the corner of his eye, fidgeting in her chair.
It wasn't right, she should be sat, curled up with him. Problem was, he was unpredictable; he didn't know how he would react to her closeness from one moment to the next. Still, the last time he'd been ok. He kissed and held her without any problems. Surely he was ok with her now?
He sighed and rubbed his eyes, throwing his glasses down on the small table beside him, and laid his head on the back of the sofa, closing his eyes.
"Doc? You okay over there? Are you sure you don't want to try sleeping?"
"I don't know what I want," he groaned.
Jack shot a look over at Rose before continuing. "Is there no way we can help?"
"Nope," the Doctor sighed, popping the 'p'.
"Want to talk about it?"
The Doctor was silent, as he covered his eyes with his hands, contemplating his words.
"Tell you what. I'll make tea. While you think about it," Jack said.
"Better make it coffee."
"You hate coffee," Rose reminded him with a small smile.
"I know, but that's how desperate I am," the Doctor replied.
Jack chuckled as he left the room. "Coffee coming up."
The Time Lord, rolled his head to look over at Rose.
"What?" she asked hesitantly.
"I feel like you're too far away. Or I'm too far away," he frowned.
"I'm only over here."
"I don't just mean that though."
She gave him a soft smile. "I'm wherever you want me to be."
He took a deep breath and there was a tense silence before he spoke again. "I want you over here," he announced. "With me."
Rose's smile grew and it took his breath away. God he'd missed that smile. She practically bounced over to the sofa and sat down, leaving space between them.
He stared at her for a moment, watching her face, assessing his own reactions before reaching for her. Pulling her against him, he pressed his lips to hers. This was Rose, he trusted Rose. He loved Rose. He was safe with Rose.
She let out a tiny squeak of surprise and returned his kiss. Pressed up against his chest, one of her hands rested over his hearts, the other played with the hair on the back of his neck.
As the kiss became more heated, their hands wandered. Instinctively the Doctor shifted so that Rose was almost laying on him. He felt her hips press against his, her thigh pressing against his crotch and he couldn't hold back the groan.
His hands slipped beneath her shirt, stroking her back, up her ribs and cupped her breasts through her bra.
Rose shuddered, it had been so long, she'd missed his touch. One of her hands wandered of its own accord, she tried to ignore the fact she could feel his ribs, feeling sure it would only be temporary, that they'd get him healthy again. Her hand headed for the bulge in his trousers, unzipped his fly and slipped inside.
He froze.
"Doctor?" Rose pulled back to look at him. She could see the anxiety in his face, a haunted look in his eyes as they snapped open. The shortness of breath and sweat no longer had nothing to do with enjoyment.
She gently removed her hand.
"I can't. I can't," he panted as he threw himself from the sofa, fumbling with his fly.
"I'm sorry, please don't go," she pleaded as he ran for the door, hand clamped to his mouth.
"Doctor!" Rose chased after him, almost bumping into Jack.
"What's happened?" the Former Time Agent asked, almost dropping the three cups of coffee.
Rose flushed and Jack sighed. Putting the cups down on the corridor floor Jack joined Rose chasing after the Time Lord.
They found him on the floor of his bathroom, gripping the toilet bowl. "I'm sorry," he groaned.
"No, it's my fault. I got carried away. I pushed it too far," Rose told him.
He shook his head. "It shouldn't be too far! We've gone so much further than that," he cried.
"And it took time to get to where we were."
"It took months," Jack reminded him.
"I don't want it to take months. I want it back! I want it to be normal instead of… broken!"
"So tell us what happened." Jack helped him up from the floor.
"I panicked," the Doctor bit out, splashing his face with cold water and rinsing his mouth.
"What made you panic? Was it just because I touched you?" Rose was doing an amazing job at staying calm she thought.
The Doctor looked at her and sighed, his jaw clenched.
"Didn't you enjoy it?"
"Maybe I should leave," Jack suggested, pretty sure that he knew where this was going.
"What's the point? You know everything else about me," the Doctor buried his face in a towel before looking back at Rose. "When you touched me….. suddenly all I could see was…."
"Oh," was all Rose could say.
"I hate this!" he yelled to the ceiling.
"Do you always see her?"
"Not the last few times you've touched me but…"
"But you did this time. Ok. Well. It's the first time that we've… got carried away."
"And to be honest with the way you've been feeling, that was a massive step to even get swept up in it," Jack assured him.
"We've only had you back a day or two," Rose continued. "We'll think of something. We'll get past it. We pushed it too far. That's all. Do you want a hug?"
His sad, chocolate eyes misted as he nodded. Stepping into her arms, he breathed in her perfume and buried his nose in the crook of her neck.
"Don't close your eyes," Jack said simply.
"What?" the Doctor turned his head to look at him.
"When Rose has… got you in hand; don't close your eyes. Keep focussed on her. Don't let your mind, or the other guy take you anywhere else. Worth a try, right? Just don't give up because then he wins."
The Doctor sighed. "Remember when my life wasn't one big embarrassment?"
"You've got nothing to be embarrassed about," Jack told him emphatically. "You've survived nearly a thousand years without going crazy, you can survive this." He patted him on the back. "I'll put your coffee in the kitchen, if you still want it. If you decide to try to get some actual rest and you need my help getting rid of the dickhead that flatshares your mind? Just holler," and with that he left the two of them still hugging in the bathroom.
The Doctor sighed again. "You might as well get some sleep."
"You're not going to stay are you?"
"Not this time. I can't risk falling asleep and our other normal bedroom activities are against me right now."
Rose nodded. She couldn't fault his logic or blame him. But she missed him terribly.
He moved his hands to her face and kissed her. Their lips danced across one another, remembering nights past.
"I have to go," he moaned against her mouth. "I really have to go." Reluctantly he released her and made a quick exit leaving Rose panting and frustrated.
XxXxX