Something in the Force

Chapter Three: Boba and the Flying Shits

Boba Fett was comfortably lounging in Your Fun Local Grime Bar, having recently gotten back from an extremely successful bounty hunt. Things in the galaxy were starting to get weird with odd transmissions coming in from all over, so he figured he'd hide out for a while with his many creds and let it pass him by while he reveled in luxury.

He looked up from his data pad to scan the area briefly, take in the dark and smoky room with its diverse and drunk inhabitants, and then went back to his new favorite hobby.

Writing reviews for shit he bought on Amazon.

'One out of 5 stars', he typed in confidently. 'I stuck it on the outside of my ship and it flew off when I got 2 space. Wanted 2 look bad4$$, would have struck fear in2 the 3's of my prey lolololol. Also ship fastr losers its the fuckin 7-millionth century, I should klick a button & its in my lap like a hologram hooker AYOOOOO.'

He clicked submit and felt a little bit of his deep-seated frustration ease. The failed purchase really irked him: it was a 6-foot vinyl decal of the top half of an Asian man that he found both terrifying and hilarious.

Two more purchases to go.

Again his well-trained eyes scanned the room, and he noticed that a bunch of Ewoks were idly floating through the thick air. No one else seemed to notice, and they didn't seem to be in any distress...

Boba watched the scene for several minutes, tense, but when the Ewoks were served by the bartender and began drinking heartily, the esteemed bounty hunter decided to relax. He wasn't hallucinating and there didn't seem to be any danger... he supposed it didn't matter?

With a shake of his head, he went back to his writing.

'Bought last week. Got 2day. 3/10 stars. Did not impress any of my 25 concubines. Not even when I jumped up & down and went BBRRUUUUUUUU. The few that laughed r gonna miss this bod. Did not have intended effect so will b returning at first chance. Also the cloth is too rough. You would think something ur putting on ur special places would be soft & velvety but they have a giant seam instead and it just ridiculous. Also 2 small. OBVIOUSLY LOL. Fuk u losers.'

He carefully reread his work, nodding along with his own words, and briefly scrolled up to look at the thong that made his privates look like a silly elephant, complete with googley eyes. He had wanted this to work out so bad.

SUDDENLY the wall next to him exploded inward and some dark toddler-sized blur shot into the room, causing the immediate area to erupt in chaos. Immediately Boba jumped up, his blaster in his hand before he even needed to spare it a thought, and he trained his eyes on the intruder despite being peppered with wood and stone. The crowd of aliens in its path were either laid low or running away, but everyone else (after being properly startled) just watched the panic with a sense of mild curiosity and kept drinking. Including the floaty Ewoks.

As the crowd parted, Boba stepped forward and identified the wrecking ball. It was Salacious B. Crumb, Jabba's one-time "jester" of sorts, and he was laughing shrilly.

What the fuck? thought Boba, who quickly ran to the hole in the wall and carefully peered out to see how that annoying-ass monkey lizard rat thing got here. There was nothing out of the ordinary, no other holes in any other walls- not a clue about where he originated.

Once Boba let himself realize he wasn't in immediate danger, the constant, horrific laughter of the Salaciousness started to drill into Boba's head. He glanced around once more, read the room, and then casually raised his blaster and shot the dude in his weirdo beak face, silencing his stupid laugh.

There was a moment of silence, and then the crowd relaxed and turned back to their drinking, betting and whispering as though nothing happened. Toilets flushed. Guns were flashed. Teeth were bared. Ewoks floated. A normal day.

Boba shook his head and then went back to his table to grab his fallen data pad. He slumped in the comfortable booth, kicking his feet up, and was met again with the image of the thong.

I love you, thong...

He froze. His sharp bounty hunter instincts caught the air of something off before his earthly senses did, but shortly thereafter he heard it. Like a weird chaotic buzz, but slowly getting louder and louder...
He jumped up once more, gun drawn, and again peered around the side of the hole in the wall. What he saw shocked him so, he briefly lost sense of himself.

There was a rip in the sky, as though the very fabric of the universe had torn, and from it was pouring hundreds of thousands of laughing Salacious B. Crumbs; a deadly meteor shower of poop muppets.

What the actual FUCK? Boba thought briefly, and then kicked into action, looking for a way off this forsaken planet.

His review of his new Kawaii Daddy Darth Vadey Lifesize Body Pillow could wait.