AN: Alright everyone, we got a heavy fic on the way.

For some understanding, I write these kinds of things for catharsis and to tell heartbreaking stories about overcoming trauma. But it's still important to tag accordingly, so please mind those. I will put trigger warnings at the beginning of every applicable chapter.

This was going to be my Endless Summer fic but, well, we see what day it is lmao. And I've changed the idea since developing it for that anyway.

TW/

self-harm
disassociation
blood
referenced past abuse/torture

Another red line. Another pain she can control. Another gulping breath. Another regret.

Tifa gasps, trembling hands gripping the razor until it digs into her skin, until tiny seeping strings form on her fingers and inside of her palm. She holds it until her hand goes numb and the blade falls from her grasp. She continues to shake. This isn't helping this time, which makes her reel harder. Her control slips away as each tiny drop marks the tile, wide eyes staring at fresh cuts she can't see. The numbness spreads throughout her body, and she takes another loud, shallow breath to hold herself together - but with each sob she breaks into smaller pieces. Somewhere in her mind, underneath the darkness, something shimmers. Tifa struggles to reach out to it, trudging through the murk. As she gets closer, a blinking light comes into focus:

You need to get up.

Tifa focuses on a spot on the wall as if the words have manifested there. She takes another rickety breath - it's so loud in her ears it's jarring, but she can't concentrate for long. The light fades as her gaze drops, and she eyes the razor again, reaching out with bloody fingers, the reality of her actions refusing to break through the surface of her haze. She needs relief - she needs to get out, she's drowning and she can't find the light anymore to guide her out —

A faint melody sounds in the background. Tifa turns slowly toward the open bathroom door, and for a moment she doesn't recognize her room. Nothing makes sense; everything is a blur and blackness at the edge of her vision makes the world narrow. The muffled sound is close, as if it's right out of reach. All she needs to do is break the surface.

Tifa isn't sure how - lots of stumbling, lots of uneven breaths - but soon she's standing in front of her bed, holding her arm against her chest. The pain becomes stronger as she struggles out of the black water that threatens to overtake her and she's able to focus. The first thing she notices is the face flashing across the screen of her phone. Tifa has a hard time distinguishing the person's features, but it's familiar. Her shoulders drop, her muscles unwinding as her fingers wrap around the phone and click on the screen.

The sounds of the city are what she notices first - she can hear the dull crackling of a neon sign, a voice over a loudspeaker maybe? Tifa hangs on to that and uses it to pull herself farther out of the murk, but her own voice gets trapped in her throat. Her mouth is so dry it's hard to open.

"Tifa?"

This sound is still muted but much closer - the caller. Who's calling her again?

"Tifa? Are you there?"

There's a shift in his words, worry? Is he worried?

A sound between a hiccup and a gasp escapes her, and she grabs on to his voice with an iron grip. She knows this voice. She knows him.

"Babe? What's wrong? Talk to me."

That's the trouble - Tifa can't register anything long enough to form words. She can only focus on one thing at a time, and right now that's holding on to his voice so she can pull herself out. She's almost there.

"Tifa, baby, are you at home? Tell me where you are."

She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out at first. Before she knows it, a harsh gurgle rips out of her throat, a noise she didn't even know she could make, and she's slipping under again. Everything is dark. She needs him to keep talking, please keep talking.

"I'm coming, okay? Stay on the phone with me, I'm coming."

There's something different about his words now - they're rushed. No, the words themselves are slow enough for her to understand, but the surrounding sounds are unsteady, like he's running. Tifa can only nod, though somewhere in her mind she knows the motion makes little sense. He can't see her, but she still can't speak.

"Stay with me. I'll be there in a few minutes."

The words open a floodgate in her mind and fresh tears stream down her face. A sob racks through her, and she collapses to the floor, clutching the phone so hard her fingers ache. His voice is loud - she's broken through the surface and now everything is too loud: the neon signs, the people in the background, the horns. The pain in her arm grows sharp, and she cries harder as she fully realizes what she's done - again.

"Tifa? Tifa! Talk to me, please."

Stay with me.

"I-I'm sorry," she rasps between sobs.

"Baby, it's okay. It's gonna be okay. I'm almost there."

There's heavy echoing, and Tifa realizes she can't hear the sounds of Midgar anymore. A door opens on the phone, then slams shut much nearer. By the time Tifa can look up, Cloud is in the bedroom doorway. The world around her is still indistinguishable between the murk and her tears, she's still trying to fight against the dark, but the one thing that shines as he gets closer is the devastation in his eyes. Tifa closes hers so she doesn't have to face it, so she doesn't have to face what she's done again - hurting him by hurting herself.

Cloud falls to the ground next to her and takes her in his arms at once, tucking her head under his chin.

"Shh, Tifa, it's okay. You're okay. No one will hurt you."

He rocks her gently as she cries; she finds the strength to hold on to him, to hold on to his warmth, his voice, his scent, trying to get lost in it instead of in the dark. In the back of her mind, Tifa wonders how he got here so fast, what he's even doing here. Isn't he supposed to be out of town? She doesn't get to explore those thoughts, as Cloud cradles her face to study her.

"Tell me two things you can see."

Tifa hiccups again, the tenderness of his voice lighting up the dark. She bites her lip. It's so hard to push through and focus.

"Tifa, look at me."

She blinks and realizes she's watching the ceiling. Her eyes fall to his, and she wants to cry even harder.

"Tell me two things you can see," he repeats, his voice so low and soft she can barely hear him.

"Y-you." The word burns her throat, but she searches for something else and keeps talking. "Th-the bed."

His Adam's Apple bounces, and he sweeps his thumbs under her eyes. "Two things you can hear."

"Your voice." It's easy to name this one thing since all of her attention is on him. Tifa finds it hard to discern anything else until a horn blares below them. She winces. "Cars."

Cloud brushes her hair away from her face. "Two things you feel. Just two more."

His face becomes clearer, it's easier to focus. His hands are so warm she wants nothing more than to lean into them, to hold them and never let go. She reaches up and wraps her fingers around his. "You." He gives her a tiny smile. Tifa looks down and notices the red blooming on his shirt. For a moment she thinks he's hurt, and when she reaches out to him with her other arm, a sharp twinge shoots through her. "Pain."

Cloud stands up, holding her against him and helping her into the bathroom. As he washes her arm in the sink, Tifa can't help but stare at the blood washing down the drain. She barely reacts when he touches her arm, only twitching when he applies antiseptic and wraps the cuts. They weren't bad enough that she needs to go to the hospital, but she made a mess.

"Tifa?"

She looks up at him and can't help but focus on how sad his eyes are, how pinched his brow is with worry, his mouth turned down in… disappointment?

He's disappointed.

"Cloud… Cloud, I—"

"Shh." He sweeps her hair away and behind her ear and holds her face again. "Don't apologize anymore."

Tifa sniffs. "B-but—"

"No."

His voice is firm but still kind, still sweet. She doesn't deserve this. As he helps her out of her ruined clothes and into pajamas, all she can think about is how much she doesn't deserve this, deserve him and his patience.

When he's done helping her get dressed, Cloud sits her on the bed.

"I'll be right back, okay? I'm just going to the closet."

Tifa doesn't let him go immediately; it takes a second for his words to register. He coaxes her fingers to relax, and soon her hand drops to her side and he's gone. It only takes him a minute or two to change into sweatpants and a new t-shirt, but to her it's forever, and she's relieved when he returns. She knew he would; she knew he wasn't leaving - he wasn't even really going anywhere - but the logical part of her mind is not in control. As soon as he returns, Tifa grabs his shirt and leans into him. The need to touch him, to feel something other than her pain, becomes overwhelming. Cloud scoops her up and rests with her against the headboard, combing his fingers through her hair over and over to soothe her.

She's like a child; he coos in her ear to let her know that it'll be okay and it brings Tifa back to those nights with her father. He would bring her close and let her know that he'd protect her against everything - the thunder, her nightmares, anything at all.

Though now he's gone because she wasn't able to protect him.

"Tell me what happened, Tifa."

Tifa folds into him a little more, curling her knees toward her chest. Cloud adjusts to her to make sure she stays secure in his arms. That's what he gives her - shelter, safety - something she's needed so desperately since she came back to reality, since she escaped. She gives herself a few minutes to become absorbed by it until her breathing slows down and the tears finally stop. Cloud doesn't push; he continues to rub her back and hold her, kissing the top of her head to let her know he's listening.

"I was going to the market—" Her voice is so small and weak she stops talking. She must sound pathetic.

Cloud senses her hesitation and brings one arm around so he can hold her hand. "You were going to the market?"

Tifa breathes in and holds her breath for a heartbeat. She knows she needs to talk about this and get it out. She knows bottling it up and keeping things to herself won't help. Tifa tries to remind herself that Cloud, of all people, won't ever think of her as pitiful or disgusting. He'd never think the vile things she thinks about herself. When he squeezes her hand, it encourages her to keep going.

"I was going to buy fruit." Still weak, but she fights the urge to pause. "It's peach season, and I wanted fresh ones, but then… then I saw h-him."

Cloud stiffens; not enough to become uncomfortable, but enough that she notices the tension in his shoulders and arms. He relaxes a second later and sweeps his thumb along the outside of her hand, but she knows he's angry. His reaction leaves a twisted vindication in her heart - Cloud knows what he did to her, and Cloud reacting this way lets her know that she isn't crazy for still getting upset about it.

"Tifa, he couldn't have been there."

Even though his voice remains calm, she can hear the discordant notes of barely contained fury underneath his words. Somehow, his anger doesn't scare her — unlike his. Cloud's is genuine, on her behalf because someone hurt her; he would smile in her face while he punished her.

"He had brown hair, it was dyed like his had been, and in the exact same style, I thought…" Tifa hiccups, and Cloud wraps around her even tighter. "I know it couldn't have been, I know he's dead, but Cloud, h-he looked just like—" She can't finish, she can't say his name; even thinking about him makes her hyperaware of her pain, her burns and scars ache, and he's holding her under again—

"Tifa." Cloud's voice brings her back to the surface. She is hyperventilating and takes a moment to blink away the tears stinging her eyes. "Breathe."

She tries. Tifa brings in one deep breath and holds it for a second before letting it out. She does it again and again until she's synced up with Cloud.

"When he turned around, I saw… I saw his face, but it was so broken and bloody I couldn't look at him. I had to leave. I'm supposed to go to work later, but I just…"

Tifa is breaking again; Cloud can barely holding her together now. The cracks of his shelter are growing, and the pieces of her fall right through. Her words tumble out haphazardly.

"I ran into someone, and they yelled at me, but I just left, I couldn't deal with it. I don't know how I made it home. What if he followed me?" Her breathing becomes shallow once more. "Oh god, what if he followed me? W-what if he's not really dead and he's found me and—"

Cloud lifts her face so he can look at her. Tifa can see herself reflected in his eyes - she's a mess, tears down her cheeks again, dark circles under her eyes, all puffy and red. But he doesn't care about that; his warmth and need to protect her is what shines through and pulls her out of her fears. Tifa sniffles as she holds onto his hand again.

"No one is going to hurt you."

Cloud is still quiet, as if someone's right outside and he will not allow them into their world. These words are just for her, this is just for them, and as he runs his thumbs under her eyes again, her heart aches to believe him.

"I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again."

Tifa's next breath shutters. "Cloud how did… how did I get here? How does he still have power over me? Why does he still control me?"

She flinches away at how intense his gaze becomes, the green flecks around his pupils flashing in anger. Tifa knows it's not directed at her, but this time it doesn't make her feel better.

"He tortured you for a year. It's hard to recover and that's okay."

Tifa has heard this before. She closes her eyes, shakes her head to deny it — she can't help but think she should have tried harder to escape — but Cloud holds onto her and makes her look at him. His fingers coil tighter against her neck, not in a way that's painful, but reassures her he's not going anywhere.

"You're not weak. None of this is your fault, Tifa."

This time when she closes her eyes, she melts into his embrace, silent tears falling from her eyes. Cloud pulls her back to his chest and sways with her, whispering over and over how he'll always be there for her. He'll never let her go again. Nothing will ever hurt her.

Tifa falls asleep like this, wanting with all her heart to believe him.

It's the middle of the night when Tifa opens her eyes again, the red numbers of her alarm too bright in the dark. She expects to see a tuft of messy blonde spikes next to her when she turns over, but Cloud isn't there. Panic seizes her, and she searches the room for any sign of him. Her eyes rest on the light that creeps from underneath the bathroom door, and she chokes with relief. A soft melody floats through the door; she hears it once her fear subsides. Tifa recognizes it as one of Cloud's favorite oldies - he always had a taste for music from decades ago - and her heart quiets. He didn't go anywhere. He won't leave her.

The door opens and Cloud pauses when he sees Tifa sitting up. Tifa notices his phone in his hand - that's where the song comes from. He says nothing as he makes his way over and crawls in bed next to her. Tifa immediately curls into his side and he holds her again, kissing across her brow and on top of her head. He smells different - fresher and brighter. The music stops, but she's barely paying attention now that she's consumed by his warmth.

"Were you taking a shower?"

"Mm." Cloud's hand makes a path back and forth between her shoulder blades. "I also called Barret after you fell asleep. No work for the rest of the week."

Tifa looks up at him. "I can't—"

"You can." He lifts his hand to tuck her head back under his chin and she complies. "And he'll still pay you."

"Cloud, I just started this job."

"I called Aerith. She talked to him and he understands. They both want you to get better."

Too understanding — everyone is too understanding of how pitiful she is. Tifa sinks even further into him.

"You're wrong," he whispers. She stiffens, and he presses his lips against her head again. "I can hear you scolding yourself. Stop it."

Tifa whimpers in response to his light chiding, knowing it's for her own good. She changes the subject. "How did you get here so fast?" Tifa gasps and sits up, startling him. "Wait, when did you get back?"

Cloud chuckles, sitting up with her. "Today. I was already on my way here. I called you to ask if you worked today because I wanted to surprise you, but when I got you on the phone, I started running."

Tifa's eyes soften. "I ruined your surprise…"

"Tifa." She imagines he's rolling his eyes. "Stop."

His firm kindness makes her reach for him again. Cloud pulls her against him, and she climbs into his lap, her head against his chest.

"I'm glad you're back. I missed you."

"I missed you, too."

"How was your mission?"

Cloud hums, and her lips curl at the rumble in his chest. "Fine. We wrapped it up faster than we expected."

"Zack's not with you?"

His chin moves across the top of her head. "No, he has to do extra paperwork since he's the senior officer." There's an amused lilt to his voice. "He'll be back tomorrow."

She nods, tracing patterns across the front of his shirt and listening to him breathe. They stay like that for a little while; Tifa lets herself get lost in his touch and the sounds he makes.

Tifa still feels the murk right there on the fringes, just waiting for her to slip up so it can submerge her once more. She squeezes Cloud's arm and he flexes under her touch; her other hand rests over his heart and it beats in time with hers. He anchors her and pulls her farther away from that dark place. When she's in his arms, she knows everything is okay.

"You haven't had an episode like that in a long time."

The world tilts enough for her to become queasy. Her fingers coil around the fabric of his shirt, and she uses it to steady herself. Cloud's voice remains quiet; everything about him is always so quiet. She usually appreciates that, especially in moments where things are too loud, where she's struggling and she needs something stable to hang on to, but now Tifa wonders if he's quiet because he doesn't want to betray his actual emotions. She's too afraid to ask if her fears are true - if he's really disappointed in her.

"I wasn't expecting… I'd ever see him again."

"I know. But he's dead Tifa. Remember that."

She's grateful Cloud isn't chastising her. Tifa wants nothing more than to get past these demons, get past her time with him and the horrible things he did to her, the things he made her do. It's been almost a year since she set herself free with nothing but a knife and her own rage. Seeing someone that looked like him… it made her misery too overwhelming. Tifa tries to cling to the reasons Cloud and her brother give her to keep on living. She has to hang on to them until she can fill herself up with more of her own reasons. But damn, it's hard to suppress the cruel memories that dance in her mind and wait for the best moment to leap center stage and take control.

"I'm sorry I scared you."

He sighs and she knows he wants to tell her to stop apologizing again, but she truly regrets doing anything to hurt him, anything to upset him, anything to make him think she's trying to leave him for good. It's not that she wants to - Tifa wants desperately to be with him and Zack, to surround herself in their warmth - but today was… bad. It was the worst day she's had in over a year.

Cloud kisses her forehead and her brows, then her eyelids. His lips find her cheeks, kissing all around her face until his forehead rests against hers. Tifa twists in his lap to wrap her arms around his neck.

"I'm not upset with you, Tifa," he breathes. His voice washes over her and they are once again the only ones in the world. "I just don't want… I don't want you to feel so alone. You're not anymore."

"I know, Cloud. I know, I just panicked."

He kisses her nose again. "I know. I can't imagine."

Tifa opens her eyes. Even in the dark, this close to him, she can make out his worry and his fear. Maybe he's dropping his guard because he thinks she can't see him; maybe she's imagining it, but it makes her heart twist all the same.

"I have to start the counter over."

He chuckles at that, opening his eyes to drink her in, and she revels in how his gaze makes her feel - loved, adored, worthy. Tifa slides her hands down so her palms rest on either side of his neck, her thumbs on his cheeks, and gently tilts her head up to press her lips to his. He responds with tenderness, his hold bringing her closer than she thought possible, his mouth curling with hers. He doesn't pull back until his touch intoxicates her.

"Well, now you just have to get a longer streak than before," he says against her lips. She can feel his smile against her own.

"Thank you. So much."

"Of course, babe."

"Can you put that song on again?"

Cloud reaches behind him and fumbles around with his phone. The song plays, soft words and melodies weaving between and around them. Neither of them drifts back to sleep, instead laying down and staring at one another for hours. Little touches here and there, her fingers in his bangs, his trailing down her arm; small kisses and tight holds, the song on repeat for the rest of the night. Tifa knows, by the time the sun rises, that he isn't disappointed in her, he isn't upset with her.

But that doesn't stop her from being disappointed in herself.

And I need you now tonight

And I need you more than ever

And if you only hold me tight

We'll be holding on forever

And we'll only be making it right

'Cause we'll never be wrong

Together we can take it to the end of the line