Trigger warning: suicidal intent (first section only)
Why are you running?
Kamilah lurched to the side. A round of hot lead punched into the pavement where she had been seconds ago.
Why are you running so hard?
Sweat trickled down the sides of her face and dripped off her chin. Her fatigues were getting soaked, armour growing heavier with each wide stride.
You're fodder. No one will miss you.
Her dry throat tightened. The pistol weighed heavily in her grip.
It's time to stop running.
A finger slipped through the trigger guard.
You know they won't let you die so easily.
It hovered over the trigger, then rested on it.
Might as well do it with your dignity intact.
She lifted the gun, muzzle rising to aim under her chin.
"Shadid. Cross two streets then turn right into Al Tkamol."
She almost stopped running. The world snapped into focus.
"Amari?"
Ana came to in a bed much, much softer than she was accustomed to, with fluffier pillows and covers. She stretched her arms over her head, arching her back in a stretch, and breathed out slowly. The bed felt so good, she could just lay there forever. Taking in another breath, Ana paused at the familiar scent hanging in the air. Then she lay still, feeling sore spots all over her body and – particularly – between her legs. Cracking her eyes open, Ana turned her head to the left to see the silhouette of a woman, illuminated by the entrance light they had forgotten to switch off.
Smiling as memories of the previous night came trickling back, Ana shifted closer to Kamilah and pressed up against her back. Her bare back. Smile becoming goofier by the second, she placed a kiss on the back of her neck. When she pulled the covers up from their hips, Kamilah stirred. Ana heard her take that reflexive wake-up inhale, then exhale equally quickly. She started to turn onto her back, but came into contact with Ana instead. Kamilah stiffened, then turned on the spot to look at her partner. At Ana's smile, the tension in her face fell away.
"Hey," Ana said softly, combing back the stray locks on Kamilah's cheek. The medic gazed at her sleepily, then moved her head forward to rest on Ana's pillow. Ana lifted a leg to fit one of Kamilah's between hers, resting an arm around Kamilah as her lover did the same. Pecking her forehead, Ana followed Kamilah's example and closed her eyes. She was just drifting off when she gave a start.
A soft whine emitted from Kamilah's throat at the sudden jerk. Ana craned her neck to look at the windows – which were curtained, but she could see the beginnings of dawn creeping under the heavy drapes. She turned her gaze towards the digital clock on the bedside table, and found her panic to be unwarranted. They still had a little time before having to leave. Settling back down in relief, Ana wrapped an arm around Kamilah again. The woman wore a light crease between her brows, which soon disappeared under Ana's ministrations.
Kamilah opened her eyes after a few moments. "Do you like watching people sleep?"
"Only you."
"Flattered," she said in her flat early morning voice, though a small smile sat on her lips.
Ana chuckled softly, tracing random patterns between Kamilah's shoulder blades. Her gaze moved from those captivating eyes – which she could barely see through the darkness, honestly – to the curve of her jaw, and her neck where…
Whoops.
Moving her hand up, Ana worried at the dark bruise sitting at the curve of Kamilah's neck. She touched around its edges, keeping a poker face on because she was not ready to get strangled to death just yet.
"Bite?" Kamilah asked, rendering her poker face unnecessary.
"Please don't kill me," Ana said in a dramatically hushed whisper.
Kamilah surprised her with a quiet laugh. The hand on Ana's back shifted, and gentle fingertips traced a line down the side of her neck and shoulder, pressing lightly on tender spots.
"I've taken my revenge. You can live, for now."
"Just…how many did you leave?" Ana felt about her own skin, searching for the bites. Kamilah's vengeance had left her panting and winded, brain cells scattered all over the floor, and only vaguely aware of the aches dotting her body.
"Was too busy to keep count."
"Harhar." She got up on an elbow, flinging an arm back to turn the lamp on. Kamilah winced at the sudden illumination, squinting as Ana looked down at her body, trying to take stock of the marks. "How many are on my neck?"
Kamilah huffed and pulled her back down. "Why are you so worried? Don't tell me you care."
"I don't." Normally Ana would wear the marks like trophies. "But that asshole's gonna be insufferable the entire day."
"No, he's not."
"Yeah right. You've no idea how annoying he can–"
"He's not," Kamilah repeated. "Because you're not going to see him today."
Ana let the words sink in, then scrunched up her eyes. "What?"
"You're not going to see him. We're on medical leave."
Narrowed eyes widened by increments, soon accompanied by an impish giggle. "You mean you're…"
"Mm."
"Can you even do that?" Ana asked.
"I have my ways."
"You have a lot of 'ways', it seems."
"Mm." Kamilah captured her lips in a kiss, setting the pace and pushing Ana onto her back. She slid one leg over Ana's hips and lay on top of the sniper. "Want to see more?"
"Yes please."
She woke up again, and with such a feeling of bliss that she must have died and gone to heaven.
Taking a glimpse at the half-drawn drapes, Ana found bright morning sunlight filtering through the white sheer curtains. Kamilah sat silently at the foot of the bed, where the light fell on, with her phone pressed to an ear. Her hair was twisted up behind her head in a messy knot. She had a fluffy towel wrapped around her torso, disappointingly. But that would be remedied soon enough.
Ana threw the covers off her nude body, attracting Kamilah's attention. She smiled wryly at the appreciative gaze as she crawled over and plastered herself to Kamilah's back. The towel was just thick enough so Ana could not feel the body beneath it, when she hugged around her waist. She trailed kisses along the slope of her shoulder, sucking at the small discoloured patches, scalp tingling as fingers threaded lightly through her hair. Ana's head was pulled close for a peck on her temple, then Kamilah turned back to her phone.
"Yes?" She paused. "Good, thanks." The digits in Ana's hair tugged her away when she dared to kiss the corner of her mouth. Kamilah arched a brow which only made Ana grin, that in turn made her own lips curl in a small smile.
"I will," Kamilah continued. She lowered her hand, and Ana turned her head to catch a fingertip between her teeth.
"Got it. And if you dare tell anyone…" Her voice lowered into a threatening pitch, then lilted in a laugh. "I can do much worse than that. And she will put a bullet in your body. I'll leave 'where' up to her."
"I'll shoot your balls off, Deyab," Ana said loudly, guessing who was on the other end of the line.
Kamilah listened longer. "He says he already has kids, and that you're welcome to try."
"That dickweed has kids?" Ana asked incredulously, becoming more mystified by Kamilah's nod. "What the shit."
"Alright. Bye." Kamilah tapped on her phone and set it on the bed beside her.
"How old are his kids?"
"9 and 7."
"The fuck. He's married?"
"Happily. You should see his face when he talks about his wife."
"Is she pretty?"
"Quite." Kamilah kissed her softly. "But not as pretty as you."
Ana chuckled, entwining their fingers. "You're spending too much time with me, Milah. You're learning how to sweet talk."
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No." Ana cupped her cheek and brought their lips together again, slower this time. "Do it more." Another kiss, then Kamilah's hand shot up to grab her shoulder when she hooked an arm under her knees.
"Ana…" She laughed when Ana lifted her up and tossed her onto the centre of the bed. "Ana, I just showered."
"Doesn't count. You showered without me," Ana replied, kneeling over her. She undid the towel from her body, feasting on the sight before her. "You're so fucking beautiful."
Kamilah slung her arms around Ana's neck when she bent down, trapping her in a deep kiss. "And you're insatiable," she murmured.
Ana's mouth quirked in an affectionate smile. "Aren't you a lucky one?"
Ana refused to let her lover go for the better part of the morning. Only when reminded of the time – and told in no uncertain terms that she would pay for any late check-out charges – did she let Kamilah climb out of her arms and stumble into the bathroom. Ana would have followed her, but was forbidden from doing so in the interest of punctuality. Kamilah emerging from the bathroom looking refreshed and clothed, was perhaps the most heartbreaking thing she had ever witnessed.
Or so Ana thought, until she offered the jacket she kept in the car boot to Kamilah. Though Ana remembered Kamilah's rule about leaving visible marks, she forgot about how much more skin the woman's top revealed. The smattering of bruises across her chest could not be covered by her scarf alone, so Kamilah opted for Ana's zip-up jacket and its upturned collar, which covered her up quite completely. Ah well. At least she looked good in it. Like she looked good in anything.
Ana was surprised she could still breathe when wrapped so tightly around Kamilah's finger.
"Did I miss something?" Kamilah asked when Ana laughed quietly to herself.
"Nope," Ana replied, averting her eyes to take a bite out of her croissant sandwich. She winked at Kamilah, whose brows twitched before she returned to her cassoulet. Leaning back in her seat, Ana stretched her legs and gazed out at the pyramids through the floor-to-ceiling windows. The noon sun beat harshly down upon the earth, making Ana feel grateful she was sitting in the air-conditioned café instead of scurrying around the pyramids like the tourists.
"Ever ridden a camel?" Kamilah asked, apparently looking at the same thing she was. The café was set up in a viewing deck some distance away from the tourist spot, but it was easy to distinguish one person from the next and, of course, see people riding camels around the pyramids.
"Yeah. A couple of times when I was younger. You?"
"No. What?" Kamilah asked when Ana shot her an incredulous look.
"Really? Like, not even with friends or…" Ana caught herself. She almost uttered the F-word. Kamilah's F-word.
The medic shook her head, face going placid for a while, before a smile appeared. "That reminds me of a rumour I heard about you."
"Just the one?"
"The one about you and the camels."
"Oh!" Ana barked out a laugh that rang across the deck. "No wait, which one? The one where I had a man and woman on top of a camel at the same time? Or the one where I fucked a camel?"
"Both."
Ana allowed herself a round of chortling before taking a gulp of coffee. "So? Do you believe them?"
"No. Although if you did do the first one, I wouldn't be surprised."
"Seriously?" Ana leaned in, resting her chin on one hand. "You actually think I'm that wild?"
"Are you not?" Kamilah punted the question back and sipped her tea.
"Not as much as I like to claim, no. Don't you know that already?"
"Just checking."
Ana grinned. "Why, disappointed?"
"Far from it," Kamilah said with a smile, returning the peck on her lips.
"Good. I'd hate to disappoint you just because of rumours." Ana snickered again, then drank some more coffee. "Although, I kind of like the rumours. They're funny. Unlike yours, oh Angel of Death."
Kamilah sighed. She took Ana's sandwich and pushed over her cassoulet. "They love their little stories."
"I like them too. The terrifying doctor who murders patients she doesn't like, letting them die of their wounds instead of treating them. Gives you such a fearsome reputation."
"And, do you believe it?"
"Of course not. If it's true, I wouldn't be here now, would I?"
"Well, I did dislike you a little."
"I know. And truth be told, I would too. Really," Ana added when Kamilah tilted her head. "I was kind of…persistent. And annoying. Should've left you alone way before you shut me down." She paused, poking her spoon idly into the cassoulet. "Damn. I really was kind of a jackass, wasn't I?"
Kamilah's hand covered hers on the table. "You were," she said wryly. "But if it's any consolation…I'm glad you were persistent."
Ana cocked her head when Kamilah dropped her gaze and turned back towards the windows. She thought she had heard a quiver in the last few words. Spreading her fingers, she slipped them between Kamilah's, which curled over hers tightly.
"If you left me alone, I don't think I'd even be here."
Her quiet words ended abruptly, without elaboration. Ana waited uncertainly as Kamilah stared out of the window, until she blinked and turned back to Ana, as though suddenly remembering where she was. Smiling gently, she slipped her fingers away and tapped under Ana's chin.
"How about that quiche you wanted?" Kamilah asked so airily that Ana felt a little unsettled. She returned the smile, though.
"Are you that hungry?"
"I don't know how, but my appetite just returned twofold."
"You pig," Ana said, but she pushed her chair out anyway. "You'll break the camel's back later."
Kamilah frowned. "Camel's back?"
"Oh right. Forgot to mention," Ana said, picking up her wallet. "I've decided. We're going camel riding later."
"And…just when did you decide that?"
"Mm." Ana cocked her head, feigning concentration. "About…2, maybe 2.5 seconds ago."
"But they're smelly."
"Right. Now you have something to mask your own stench."
Ana hopped away, narrowly avoiding the hand flying for her behind.
Kamilah's reservations about riding camels lay forgotten during the ride itself. Although after they climbed off their steed – which seemed to judge them through its long eyelashes – she did tell Ana never to take her camel riding again, while massaging her tailbone and jerking awkwardly backwards when she almost stepped on camel dung. Ana just laughed, despite having to rub her own tailbone as well. Kamilah obviously preferred her mounts to be metallic and smelling of gasoline instead of shit.
That, or long-haired and muscular and extremely attractive. She seemed to like both equally, but rolled her eyes when informed of the second category.
"What, is it not true?"
"You forgot to mention the second has an annoyingly large mouth."
"And a very skilled tongue."
"Ugh."
Ana's tongue was put to use only once more during the weekend. After that, things pretty much returned to status quo. Mostly. Ana was just a little more touchy-feely; her hand always drifted back to Kamilah, be it to play with the ends of her hair, trace the veins in her wrist, or just rest comfortably on her waist. And Kamilah was….well, Kamilah. She let Ana have her way most of the time, reciprocating the little touches or laying still while the sniper kissed along the side of her neck, hand slipping into her inner thigh, only to strike with a choice comment that doused the mood.
"Shouldn't you be prepping for your lab visit tomorrow?" she asked, eyes never leaving her novel.
Ana froze, head and hand under Kamilah's neck and between her thighs respectively. She jerked away, realising she had clean forgotten about it.
"Ah fuck," she muttered, barely registering Kamilah's smirk as she jumped off the bed. Ana made a quick dash back to her own room, snatched up the datapad lying on her study table, and promptly rushed back down to take her place beside Kamilah.
Propping up on her elbows while she lay on her stomach, Ana opened the schematic and held the pad out so Kamilah – who leant closer in interest – could read it as well.
"Six times your normal vision?" Kamilah said.
"Yep." Ana scrolled down, examining the proposed interface overlay for when the eye was in use. Distance, drop-off, wind speed… Even an experimental uplink with her rifle. She could probably use the weapon without having to look through the scope, if the uplink was included in the final design. The mere thought of it made her fingers twitch in excitement.
"Now you can see almost as far as your rifle can shoot," the medic commented.
"Yep," Ana repeated, tossing a smile over. "And I can watch you from all the way across base."
"Please don't do that."
"No promises." She snickered when Kamilah clicked her tongue. Scrolling down farther, Ana found the itinerary for the lab session: an eye ultrasound scan, then a quick brief and discussion over the specifications, followed by a simulation for her to get used to the implant's workings beforehand. The surgery was still to be scheduled.
"Guess I have to enjoy myself before I get the eye," Ana said as she tossed the datapad aside. "If I miss a shot with that implant, it's going to be fucking embarrassing."
"No room for human error?"
"Please. With this much help?" She nodded at the pad. "I'd bury my head in the ground and never come out again if I made a 'human error'."
"Drama queen," Kamilah laughed.
"I've to maintain my image somehow." Ana grinned, planting a brief peck on her lips before lying down on her side. She pulled Kamilah close.
"You're going to be one of the best with it."
"'Going to be'?"
Kamilah sighed. "Going to be better among the best. Happy?"
"Not really. Try stroking my ego more." She winced at the pinch on her back.
"You know they're not going to give you the eye and then just keep you in base, right?"
"I suppose not."
"They'll want to deploy you more."
"Yeah…?"
"On missions with higher stakes. Dangerous missions."
"It's part of the job, isn't it?" Ana shrugged. "I mean, what mission doesn't come with risk?" She waited for an answer, but all she got was a faint frown and an inscrutable gaze. She was missing something–wait.
"Are you worried?"
A pause. "Just stating the facts," she said quietly.
She is. Kamilah kept her face cautiously blank, as always. But she had broken eye contact, now staring at Ana's shoulder as her feet fidgeted. Ana shifted her own forward, catching the restless feet between her ankles.
"Look on the bright side," Ana said. "At least the insurgency's over. It's going to be a while before something serious happens. Hopefully. At most they'll assign me to hunting parties for clean-up, or send me overseas for joint exercises."
"They would want to show off their best sniper."
"'Best'? A minute ago I was better, and now I'm the best?"
"You wanted me to stroke your ego."
"Alright. I'm happy now." Her smile grew wider at Kamilah's smaller one.
"Ana?"
"Hm?"
Kamilah's lips remained parted, but nothing came out. Ana returned her silent gaze expectantly, brushing her foot against Kamilah's ankle. The medic's mouth twitched before it closed, and she moved in to press fully against Ana's front, head nestling snugly under her chin.
"Are you going to sleep, habibti? It's only…" She glanced up at the clock. "Three in the afternoon, you know."
"Nap."
"Never took you for a nap kind of person."
"Just feel like it."
Ana did not share the feeling, but kept her arms wrapped around the woman anyway. They held each other in silence, Ana staring idly at the wardrobe as Kamilah's presence took root in her consciousness with sudden clarity. She had breezed through their courtship with the casualness she had cultivated in the academy. Life went by faster and more exciting that way. No worries, no burdens. Everything they had done so far was fun. Light. Enjoyable.
Kamilah's warmth felt so much more solid in that moment. It slowed her down, made her stop. Made her think. Made her realise if their luck had buckled just a little, they may not even be here. Was that Kamilah meant, back in the café?
A hollow echo of that sharp ache shot through her chest. It was painful, when she had seen Kamilah bleeding half to death, and thought the woman would slip through her fingers. When she sat by Kamilah's side, watching her recover from an attack Ana could not protect her from. But it had been her pain to bear. Hers to endure, then shrug off when everything turned out fine, acting as though it was but an ant bite.
She had never meant for Kamilah to bear it as well. And for her, no less.
Ana swallowed, arm curling tighter around Kamilah's back. A single vow crystallised in her mind as she bent her head down, pressing a kiss atop black locks.
"Love you," she murmured, grateful her voice still sounded clear.
She thought Kamilah had already fallen asleep. But then the arm around her shifted up, hooking over her shoulder in a firm embrace.
"It was totally unnecessary."
"But it was awesome."
"What are you, 12?"
"21. You got it mixed up, sis."
Ana did a double-take at the pair on the ground, as she slung Layla's rifle over her shoulder. Kamilah was kneeling next to her squad mate, tending to his bleeding arm and side. Their platoon's combat simulation had just been concluded successfully, but their commander was a little displeased with the number of casualties. Though their holo-targets were equipped with non-lethal rounds specially engineered to inflict superficial wounds, they were still painful as all hell and made them bleed. Like Layla from her left thigh – already bandaged – and Kamilah's patient.
Speaking of the medic, she sighed sharply. "Your 'awesome' move got you injured and gave me more work, Imad."
"Worth it." He winced when Kamilah jerked at the bandage around his arm.
"I had my rifle ready. You didn't have to rush out of nowhere and tackle the damned target to the ground."
"Gotta take care of our big sis, don't we?"
The medic shook her head as she cut the bandage, then ruffled his hair roughly before standing up. She watched as the grinning patient was hauled up from the ground by another, following the rest of the platoon as they trudged back to the armoury. As though she had an in-built idiot radar, Kamilah turned towards Ana, who was still waiting for her squad to finish clearing up the training range. She examined the sniper's face, then the rest of her body. When she started walking towards Ana with that crease between her brows, the sniper promptly looked down at herself, and spotted the gash on her forearm.
When the hell…
"Were you planning to let it get infected before seeking help?" Kamilah said, pulling her arm up and rolling the sleeve to her elbow.
"Didn't know it was there." She clenched her hand into a fist, tensing up the muscles as water was poured over the wound.
"Why am I not surprised." Kamilah cleaned up the area around the gash. "This is not from the holo-rounds."
"Think I got it when I fell."
"'Fell'?"
"Oh fine," Ana grumbled as her arm was dried and bandaged. "I threw myself on the ground when those holo reinforcements appeared. Think I hit something then."
"Obviously," Kamilah sighed, fastening the cloth. She held onto Ana's wrist briefly when she was done, gaze softening while her lips remained pursed.
"Sorry," Ana said reflexively.
Kamilah's mouth twitched, but she said nothing. Her hand landed on Ana's helmet in two hard pats, then she strode away. Ana stood still, watching her go, then flung her arms out when Khalid fell dramatically into her.
"The fuck, Issa," Ana grunted. She shifted her feet apart to support his weight, feeling her wound throb slightly under the strain.
"Oh Lieutenant Shadid," Khalid cooed, clinging onto Ana's neck. "I have a cut on my arm. Please kiss it better. I'll have your babies."
Despite herself, Ana snorted and heaved the man back upright. She opted not to reply, resisting the urge to suplex him into a makeshift grave when he slung an arm around her shoulder.
"You heard the rumours lately?" Khalid asked, lowering his voice as their squad mates overtook them.
"Be specific. We live in a gossip pit, remember?"
"About Kamilah."
"No. What is it, more killing people nonsense?"
"Nope. Okay, maybe it's not a rumour rumour, but I overheard some of her squad talking. You know, about how she's been less terrifying lately."
"Never noticed," Ana said, hitching the rifle strap higher up on her shoulder.
"Yeah yeah. Apparently she's been more chill. And doing stuff like smiling at her phone, like some idiot I know." Khalid poked a finger at her cheek and whispered, "Been sending her nudes?"
"No." Ana rolled her eyes, but smiled involuntarily at the knowledge.
"There you go again."
"So what." Ana started to throw his arm off her shoulder, but paused. "Just how widespread is this rumour?"
"I dunno." Khalid shrugged. "There was like, only…three of them. They told me not to tell anyone else when I asked, though. Don't wanna incur the devil's wrath." He hummed a flat note. "I guess that's better for you too, huh. Don't want to invite any trouble."
"Yeah. Kamilah's not the type to…be public anyway."
"Got it." They walked a little farther, then Khalid stopped dead in his tracks. "And, um. I'm sorry. About that time. When I wanted to let her… You know. Die." The words came abruptly.
"That's a long time ago," Ana said, tugging on his arm to get him walking again. "Don't tell me you've been thinking about it for so long."
He sighed, scratching the back of his neck. "Dunno. But every time I see her, I get reminded of how ready I was to let her go."
Ana kept quiet as they neared the armoury. Then she stopped. "You were thinking of the mission. Technically I was the one making the mistake."
Mistake. It tasted sour on her tongue. Her decision was far from that. But command would not share the same sentiment, if the reprimand they gave her had shown anything.
"Fuck, Khalid. I already lost my shit during a mission – twice – because of her."
"Yeah. I know," he sighed. This time, he was the one to set them walking again. "At least I was there to catch your shit."
"I'm sorry."
"It's all good. Besides, it turned out well, didn't it?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it did." Ana squeezed about his waist with an arm. "And – no hard feelings, if that helps."
"It does help." He bumped their sweaty heads together – which was quite gross honestly, but Ana let it slide. "Don't worry, sis. I'll have your back from now on."
"And I'll have yours."
"It's a deal." He patted her shoulder. "So…we done with the mushy stuff?"
"God I hope so."
"Yes!" Khalid whooped and jumped, pumping his arms as his rifle bounced against his back. "Oh–wait, you're not drinking with us tonight?"
"Nope."
"Man. You're really turning into her bitch."
"Yup." Ana flashed him a proud grin. "Woof, baby."