A/N I'm happy that I'm able to write for this story. It's the only one at the moment. I hope for the readers of my other stories that I will be able to write for them again in the near future. Until then I hope I will reach y'all with this story.

Warning: there will be talked about violence in this chapter.

Chapter 11

"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it." - Tori Amos

Alex quickly walks to restrooms at the other side of the hallway after she left Liz's office. Cursing Liz and Cragen under her breath while she walks. When she arrives at the restrooms she knocks on the door before she opens the door and walks inside. When she sees Olivia leaning against the sink with her head down she slowly walks to the brunette.

"Are you alright, Liv?" Alex asks.

Olivia looks up and looks at Alex. Even though Alex tries to hide it Olivia can see a bit of fear in the cerulean eyes.

"Don't worry Lex, I was not running away from you, I freaked out and was running away from them. I meant it when I said I'm all in. I don't know how things will go from here, because there is a lot I need to decide about but being with you isn't one of them. I'm sorry if I scared you in there, I'm just edgy with everything that's going on and happened." Olivia answers.

"I know. I'm afraid that I didn't do anything to help you though. I chewed their asses off after you left and Liz tried to apologize for what they were doing but I wouldn't have it so I might just have outed us to them. I said to Liz that sorry wasn't going to be good enough if I wouldn't be able to get you back. I'm sorry Liv, I didn't want to do this without talking about it with you but I let anger get the best of me." Alex says softly.

"It's alright Alex. I knew you would chew off their asses when I left. I would have done the same thing if the roles had been reversed. We have, or I have other things to worry about. Yes, I would have liked it if we could have waited and just keep us to ourselves for awhile but I would have done the same and knowing me I probably would have done more than a little ass chewing." Olivia says with a small smile.

"Yes you would probably have done that. But we still can keep it to ourselves Liv. They're not gonna tell anyone. I know you are even a more private person than I am, we can go on your pace. I would like to keep it quiet for a while too actually. Now how about we go back to the Cabin now and take some rest when we're there?" Alex asks while putting and arm around Olivia.

Olivia flinched at the body contact. She could keep herself from freezing on the spot and hoped that Alex didn't notice it. But Alex noticed it, like she had done all the other times Olivia had flinched in the past days Never mentioned it because she thought that it could have to do with the threat of a trial. But now she knows that it isn't the case and figures it has to do with the hysterectomy.

"Still a bit on the edge from the surgery too? You're safe with me Liv, I won't do anything to harm you." Alex asks softly while pulling back her arm.

"Yeah, I am. Sorry." Olivia lied.

Olivia felt guilty about lying to the blonde but she couldn't tell her the truth. She just couldn't. Alex would blame herself for it. The Detective lowed herself for not coming forward but she couldn't bare the thought of Alex knowing what happened or more why it happened so she kept her mouth shut.

"It takes time, I get that. So ready to go back?" Alex asks gently.

"Yes. Let's go." Olivia answers.

The two women walk out the restroom and down the hallway to the elevator. When the elevator opens both women are pleasantly surprised when a certain lanky brunette steps out of it.

"Already here to take my place huh, Carmichael?" Alex jokes while pulling the Texan in a bear hug.

"Like that would be possible, Cabot. No I don't go there, even I ain't able to do that." Abby laughs, hugging the blonde back.

"So Detective Badass I heard that the Ice Queen here got you a good deal huh?" Abby asks while lightly hugging Olivia.

"Yeah you got that right." Olivia answers.

Olivia flinched again and Abby let go of the Detective. Abby looked at Olivia and by the way she was looking at her Olivia knows that Abby knows what happened. It was the knowing look that survivors have in their eyes when they recognize it.

"How?" Olivia asks.

Knowing she didn't need to ask more than that.

"You remember, Devoney?" Abby asks softly.

Hearing the name of the guard Olivia's head shot up. How did she know and how did Abby know? The reason that Olivia was ordered to take two days off was because of the case a few days prior the day Olivia got admitted the hospital. The squad had been on an undercover operation that went wrong when Narcotics from a different precinct came busting into the club where they were undercover. Some over enthusiastically rookie who wanted to proof himself had arrested Olivia and she was thrown into Rikers before the others had noticed that Olivia wasn't there anymore. Without her ID, badge or service weapon they hadn't believed her when she told them she was a Detective at central booking. And it had taken the other Detectives a while before they had located the brunette.

"Yes." Olivia answers softly looking down on the floor.

"She called me Olivia, asking me for help after she heard that I was coming back to NY. Someone told her about it. I'm sorry Liv." Abby says.

"Damn it." Olivia curses.

She knows that her secret will come out. If the guard called Abby it would be only a matter of time before Cragen and the DA's office would know it. And that means that Alex will find it too and probably not by Olivia telling her. Alex looks from one brunette to the other and she knows something is wrong. She can see that without many words Abby and Olivia understood each other and she didn't like it at all. Not because she could be jealous but because something happened and what ever it was the two of them understood each other for it.

"Liv, Abs, what's going here?" Alex asks carefully.

"Lex, there is something I need to tell you but.." Olivia says but she gets interrupted by cellphones going off.

At the worst time possible for the Detective Alex's and her cellphone are going off. Olivia looks at Abby while she picks up her phone. And the new ADA hears her friends saying that they will be right back and Olivia saying that it won't be necessary because she was standing next to her. 10 seconds after their cellphones went of the trio is on their way back to Liz's office.

"Liv what did you do?" Alex asks.

Olivia looks straight into Alex's eyes when she answers that question.

"It's not what I did do, it's what I didn't do but I'm sure you will find that out very soon. I'm sorry that I'm not that one you'll hear it from, probably." Olivia answers softly.

Of course this raises more questions for the blonde ADA but she has a feeling that she indeed will find the answers to her questions in the next couple of minutes. Alex takes another look at Abby and Olivia and knows that what ever it was, it was bad and that worries the younger woman. 5 minutes after they left Liz's office Alex and Olivia are back in front of it and Alex knocks on the door waiting for Liz answering that the can come inside. Which of course follows immediately after Alex knocked. Alex opens the door and the three women walk inside behind each other with Abby as the last one and she closes the door behind her. Alex and Olivia take place in the seats the recently had left and Abby walks next to Olivia and stands aside of the Detective. Liz and Cragen look at Olivia and they both know that what they just heard is the truth. They look at Abby and Alex and they instantly know that Abby knows it too but that Alex has no clue of what's going on. Liz takes a deep breath before she speaks up.

"It was you Detective, wasn't it? It was you on the videotape they have, wasn't it?" Liz asks softly.

Olivia bows her head while answering the questions.

"Yes it was me. I didn't... I didn't know there was a video camera... recording it." Olivia whispers.

"Why didn't you tell it? Later I mean." Liz asks gently, not judging Olivia.

"Alex." Olivia simply answers.

"What happened? What are you talking about? What videotape and what's on it?" Alex asks worried.

Liz looks at Olivia silently asking if she needs to tell it but Olivia shakes her head. Even though she didn't want Alex to find it out at all or like this, at least she can try to tell the blonde it herself. Olivia looks at Abby who nods and slowly lowers her hand, so Olivia sees it, and squeezes her shoulder softly before she lets go. Olivia looks at Alex after Abby let go of her hand but when she sees the worried look in her girlfriend's eyes she hesitates. Not sure how to tell the blonde what happened, not wanting to see the guilt in those beautiful eyes once she's finished. Not wanting to tell it because she can't pretend that nothing happened anymore. Taking a deep breath Olivia starts talking hoping that the blonde still loves her and wants her after she knows the truth.

"You know about our undercover operation that went wrong and that I was thrown in jail. What you don't know is that they locked me up in the same place where Jack Barbara was. He wanted revenge for you throwing him in jail. But like I said, I didn't know they were surveying the place with video camera's, that they have it on tape." Olivia answers.

All the air is sucked out of Alex's lungs when Olivia spoke to her. She has the terrible feeling that she knows what happened in there, what's on the tape. What he did to Olivia, to her girlfriend, to get revenge for getting thrown in jail because she put him there. Olivia being trapped, not able to call out for help because he would tell everyone that she's a cop. That he probably threatened her that he would say or scream that she was cop if she made a sound or screamed for help.

"What... what did he do to you, Liv?" Alex asks, the fear clearly in her voice.

Olivia looks away from Alex's eyes and looks at the floor. She doesn't want to see her eyes when she tells it.

"He... he raped...me." Olivia chokes out softly.