Chapter 12

"Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage."- Lao Tzu

"What... what did he do to you, Liv?" Alex asks, the fear clearly in her voice.

Olivia looks away from Alex's eyes and looks at the floor. She doesn't want to see her eyes when she tells it.

"He... he raped...me." Olivia chokes out softly.

After saying it out loud Olivia can't keep it together anymore. For 4 days she pretended nothing happened, tried to block it out of her mind. But there was no more hiding now. Alex knows it now, Abby does and so do Cragen and Liz. Alex who is sitting next to Olivia is completely devastated herself. Those three words hanging above their heads like a black cloud, hanging above everyone in the room. It breaks Liz's and Cragen's hearts to see the two women in front of them in so much pain and misery. Two women they both care deeply for. And except for Alex the others knew what happened but hearing Olivia say it was a stab into all their hearts. Alex doesn't know what to do. She desperately wants to hold the Detective in her arms but she is afraid to do it. The blonde attorney feels like she doesn't have that right anymore. Feels incredibly guilty and feels like it's her fault that her Olivia was raped. She sent Barbara to Rikers, she authorized the undercover operation that went wrong and had lead to Olivia's arrest and being thrown into Rikers. Despite what she is feeling she has to try to be there for Olivia and hopes that the Detective allows her that even if she herself thinks she doesn't deserve to be around her now. Alex feels the tears are running over her cheeks, she gets up from her chair turns to Olivia and stands in front of her. Alex holds out her hands to Olivia.

"May I hold you Liv? I know that I don't deserve it but please let me hold you." Alex asks with a small voice.

Olivia looks up and sees the pain she feels herself rejected in Alex's eyes. She sees the guilt Alex feels in her eyes. And that the younger woman barely holds it together just like herself. She slowly reaches to one of the hands that Alex is holding in front of her and let the blonde help her up and then they throw themselves in each others arms.

"I'm so sorry, Liv. I'm so sorry." Alex whispers.

"It's not your fault, Lex." Olivia whispers.

Finally Olivia allows herself to let go and breaks down. The Detective knees are giving out and Alex holds Olivia in her arms and slowly lowers them to the floor till they sit down. Taking Olivia in her arms Alex doesn't care that they are not alone and breaks down with Olivia. They hold each other like their lives depends on it. With tears in her own eyes Abby looks at Liz and Cragen and nods with her head in the direction to the door of Liz's office. Both Liz and Cragen nod and stand up. Quietly the three walk out of Liz's office to give Alex and Olivia some privacy together.

Half an hour after they left, Abby, Cragen and Liz are back in Liz's office. Alex and Olivia have composed themselves a bit. Olivia knows that she has to step forwards and report that she's being raped. Liz told them that Abby is prosecuting Olivia's case. Knowing that the Detective would be more comfortable with the Texan prosecuting it. While Abby was taking Olivia's statement Alex was sitting with Liz and Cragen, beating herself up. Liz and Cragen tried to get the young ADA stop blaming herself but without any luck. Somewhere deep down inside rationally she knows that she couldn't prevent it but that's clearly not what's on the surface. Cragen decided to take the case himself this time and not to assign it to one of the other Detectives. Knowing that Olivia doesn't want anyone else to see the videotape and neither does he. It would be hard enough for Olivia that Abby and he himself would see it along with everyone else involved for the trial probably. All together they had decided against a speedy trial and they're hoping that Barbara's lawyer wouldn't file a motion for it so that Olivia and Abby would have more time to prep the Detective for the trial. More time to try to deal with the aftermath of everything that happened in the past week, even if it's a little bit. Yes Olivia is glad that she couldn't be pregnant like her mother but the price she paid for that was high no matter how great the deal is that Alex got her. It had turned her world upside down not once but twice and in certain way with her world turned upside down Alex's world too. Abby had received the recording later that afternoon and she putted it in her purse to watch it in private, she didn't want someone walk into her office and see it.

It's 4 PM and both Alex and Olivia are exhausted. They just arrived back at the cabin. They sit down on the couch with a cup of tea. After they finished drinking their tea Olivia turns to look at Alex.

"Alex can you help me change in some comfortable clothes? And I would like to lie down for a while." Olivia asks.

"Yes of course. How about we get you changed and then you go lay down till dinner? I'll take a brief nap myself and make dinner after that so we can have it around 6 PM." Alex asks.

"Sounds like a good idea to me. Will you come and lay down next to me? I feel better when you're around me." Olivia asks shyly.

"Are you sure that's a good idea after last night, well early this morning?" Alex asks.

"I will flinch Alex, we both know that will happen, I will have nightmares, it's inevitable. Hell I'll probably will get flashbacks. Now there will be triggers which we need to learn and try to avoid but to get over what happened I'll need you at my side whether I'll admit it to you and myself or not. So is it a good idea? We'll find that out when I wake up. Does it mean that we're not doing it? No it does not. There's only one person who can help me or get out of nightmares and flashbacks and that's you. So long answer short, yes I'm sure." Olivia answers, looking straight in Alex's eyes.

Hearing out loud what she knew will come, deep down inside, Alex tears up again. Turning her head away with tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Liv. It's my fault you were raped. I'm so so sorry." Alex whispers.

"Lex, honey, look at me please." Olivia says softly.

For a few moments Alex hesitates but then she slowly turns back her head and looks at Olivia. The Detective's heart breaks when she sees the quilt and pain in the blonde's eyes.

"You listen to me Alexandra Cabot. This is not your fault. Let me finish before you start talking." Olivia says softly.

Alex nods at Olivia not trusting her voice to speak. Olivia takes a deep breath and reaches for Alex's hand with her own and squeezes it softly before she let go again.

"It is not your fault nor do I blame you for what happened. You shouldn't either but I know that's not gonna happen. You didn't fuck up our undercover op, you didn't arrest me, you didn't lock me up with him and most certainly you didn't rape me. Narcotics screwed it up. Healy arrested me. And who ever was in charge in Rikers locked a rapist up with the others and me because apparently the holding cells were full. In non of this were you a participating party. You have nothing to be sorry for Alex, nothing. We can't change the past, we can't erase what happened. What we can do is try to recover from it the best we, yes we, can. This effects you, traumatizes you as much as it does for me. Why? Because you care for me, deeply. That's why. And I refuse to let you destroy yourself for this. It will be hard enough for the both of us without me needing to kick your ass. Understood, Counselor?" Olivia asks softly but firmly.

"I should be there for you Liv, not the other way around." Alex answers.

"Yeah well don't worry about that, you'll need to be there for me more than we both can count. But you didn't answer the question." Olivia says.

"Yes, loud and clear. And for the record, I don't agree with it but I understand it." Alex answers.

"I can't recall asking you to agree with it. Now let's go Blondie, I'm tired and sore." Olivia says.

"Alright. But I want to lay down in my own bed if that's alright with you. Don't agree to please me." Alex says.

"I won't. If you're more comfortable laying down in your own bed that's where we go. If for any reason I don't want it anymore I'll tell you it. Deal?" Olivia asks.

"Deal, Detective. Let me help you up." Alex answers.

Alex stands up and holds out her hands to help Olivia up. Once the Detective is standing the two women walk to the guestroom to change Olivia's clothes and then they walk to Alex's bedroom. Alex quickly changes into some comfortable clothes herself and when both ladies are dressed in tank tops and shorts the younger blonde helps the brunette into her bed before she walks around the bed and lays down on her own side of the bed. Keeping as much space between them as she can. Not long after they were lying in bed both women fall asleep.

It's 5 30 PM when Abby decides to call it a day and go to Olivia's apartment where she'll be staying till she finds an apartment. The Detective offered her to stay there since she's at Alex's cabin. Abby cleans up her desk and takes her purse and coat and locks up her office before she leaves. An hour later Abby finishes her dinner that she picked up around the corner of Olivia's street. She cleans up and takes the videotape out her purse and puts it in the VCR before sitting down on the couch. The tall brunette takes a deep breath before she hits the play button on the remote. Half way through the tape Abby needs to hit the pause button because she's getting sick. She runs to the bathroom just in time and empties her stomach in the toilet. Yes the brunette ADA knows what happened but knowing it and seeing what happened to your friend are two different stories. After her stomach finally calms down Abby gets up and brushes her teeth before she returns to the living room to watch the rest of the tape. As soon as she finished watching the tape Abby pulls out her cellphone to make a couple of calls.

Alex and Olivia are still sound asleep when they wake up from Alex's cellphone ringing hours later after they went to bed to take a nap. Alex reaches for her cellphone on the night stand and picks up.

"Cabot." Alex says with a husky voice.

"Alex, it's Abby. I'm sorry to wake you up." Abby says.

"That's alright. What time is it?" Alex asks.

"It's 7.30 pm. Is Olivia awake and could you get her on the phone if she's awake or put on the speaker?" Abby asks.

"7.30 pm damn. Liv's awake now too and she's here so I'll put on the speaker." Alex answers.

Alex puts her phone on the speaker while she mouths 'Abby' at Olivia.

"Alright, you're on the speaker Abs." Alex says.

Abby isn't surprised that Olivia is next to Alex wherever they fell asleep. She knows how it can help to have someone you trust next to you when you're going to sleep with what happened.

"Is something wrong or did something happened?" Olivia asks.

"No nothing happened. I just was on the phone with Liz and we decided it's for the best to split up the case. It does mean that you have to testify twice." Abby answers.

"Why? I mean why did the two of you change your minds?" Olivia asks.

Abby inhales deeply before she answers the question. Alex and Olivia hear her and look at each other worried.

"Liv, I saw the tape. I was alone when I did it." Abby answers softly.