Henry checked everything that was being packed in their carriage for the fourth time, Thomas Cromwell standing on the staircase watching the scene. He was to be Henry's eyes and ears while they were in Spain. He would trust Cromwell with his life if it ever came to that. Yesterday had been quite a day. When Catherine woke up, he was still in the room, looking out the window. They got dressed in their own rooms and about an hour later they made their way to Westminster for the homily. She was very grateful for him being there, for it was a very hard time but it brought enough peace to her heart that she managed to smile a couple of times throughout Wolsey's prayers. The rest of the day was spent in between the garden and Henry's study as they planned the trip not forgetting to change the subject and take a break every once in a while. Catherine needed it so she could rest and be with Mary. Now it was close to seven in the morning and they had been up since around five. Catherine had been unable to sleep because Mary had spent a very fussy night and she had wanted to be close to her.
-Has everything been packed? – Henry asked one of the boys as he finished tying the trunks.
-Yes, your Majesty.
-Where is the princess and the Queen? We should leave soon.
-There was a problem with her highness princess Mary and…
-Where are they? What happened? - He ran inside the castle getting to the second floor in just under two minutes and burst into the room. Catherine was sitting on a chair with little Mary cradled in her arms, asleep. She looked up and smiled at him before she went back to looking at her daughter. – One of the boys said that something was wrong with Mary, is she okay? – he kneeled in front of her, caressing Mary's hair.
-She's fine, she just threw up a bit after eating and got her clean clothes dirty. I just finished getting her ready.
-Then she's fine? Okay, and you?
-I'm fine, tired but maybe she's a bit sick, you know what a hard night she's given us.
-Should we wait until she gets better?
-She's asleep now, so that's good, we should get going as soon as possible. It'll be a very long journey to Southampton for Mary.
-Around a day or so.
-But then we have the journey across the sea and that will be a lot longer and it'll be the first time she'll be on a ship.
-Everything's packed so we are ready to go when you are.
-I'm ready. Do you think Cromwell will do well? – she stood up cradling little Mary even closer to her chest before one of her ladies placed her travelling cape over her shoulders.
They both made their way to the outside of the castle, Catherine's shoes marking their speed knowing with her heels as they walked over the stone floors. Once outside Mary made a small whimper as if the cold was bothering her and Henry gave Catherine his own cape so Mary would be warm, at least until they were in the chariot. Giving one last glance to the castle she stepped inside the carriage Henry holding her back so she wouldn't fall backwards and once she inside Henry followed her. In normal circumstances, they would be alone, but Catherine had asked Lady de Salinas to join them in case she needed some help with Mary and Henry had agreed that it was the best option. The carriage started moving, Catherine taking a deep breath before she settled in her seat, Mary hiding her face in her mother's chest, but a few minutes later the sound of a horse reached their ears as well as the voice of a man telling the coach to stop. The carriage came to a halt and Henry popped his head out the tiny window wishing to know what was going on. The man handed him a letter telling him that it was urgent and for the Queen before he turned around and went back to the castle. Henry stared blankly at the letter before sitting down.
-What's wrong? Is everything alright?
-It was a messenger; he gave me this for you. Go on coach! – with difficulty, she took it in one hand reading where it came from. She became pale and quickly asked Lady de Salinas to pick Mary. – Catherine?
She broke the seal with shaky hands and unfolded the parchment. The words were clear and sharp, almost as if they were meant to hurt her and make her bleed. A sharp pain went through her chest, only lasting for a few seconds but enough for her to put one of her hands there. She had been warned but she hadn't expected them to turn their back on her. Why did they accept her sister and not her? Henry put a hand on her shoulder bringing her back to the land of the living, raising her head to look at him.
-Aragon doesn't accept me as their Queen. They accept Carlos, my nephew but not me.
-Why?
-They say that since in Juana's will it was explained that Carlos was to be the heir, I have no reason to claim the crown.
-But you said that court chose you.
-Something tells me it was the Castilian court. If they didn't talk with Aragon, they are going to give me many problems. What I won't allow is for Aragon to start a war against me in favour of a nine-year-old boy. He's too young-
-What are you going to do then?
-As soon as we reach Spain we are heading directly to Valladolid. I want to know why on Earth they didn't talk with Aragon about this. It's their future as well. I thought it would be Navarra the one that was going to refuse me not Aragon. I'm Juana's sister for God's sake!
-Calm down, Catherine.
-How can I? My own parliament is refusing to accept me as their Queen when I have just as much right as Carlos has. I'm not related to the Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire and still, I'm to be crowned Empress, but my own land doesn't accept me?! It's infuriating!
-I know. I still don't understand why you are going to be Empress.
-I have no idea. The emperor was Felipe's father and Carlos' grandfather, I should have no right over it and I hardly think it belongs to the Spanish crown as ambassador Chapuys claims. There's something fishy going on and I just don't know what it is. Stop the carriage! - The horses came to a halt, Catherine jumping out and heading to the back carriages. Opening the door to the third one she found the ambassador and Thomas More playing cards. They both bowed their heads before she stepped inside. – You knew Aragon was going to refuse me, didn't you?
-Your Majesty, of course not. Why do you say that?
-Aragon's parliament just sent me a letter telling me that for them Carlos is the rightful King and not me. Tell me everything you have kept to yourself.
-I do not know what you mean your Majesty.
-You didn't ask Aragon if they wanted me as their Queen! Did you ask Navarra or Valencia? No, by the look of your face this was something the Castilian parliament decided on without consulting anyone. Did my sister Maria even refuse the crown?
-She did. Cardenal Cisneros visited her and she refused it.
-Why did you lie about the Empire?
-Your Majesty!
-It doesn't belong to the Spanish crown, does it? Why me?
-Alright. Maximilian I, died a few months ago and Carlos is too young to take on such responsibility so before he died we managed to trick him into assigning you as his heir. The Pope has agreed and accepted you, but the Germans are not very happy. They wanted to elect their next monarch and it would have been between Carlos and Francis I.
-The French king? This is all just so he won't have power over most of the continent?
-Yes. No one wanted the French to gain such importance and so you were our only option. Maria had refused and the male children were too young.
-I'm a puppet? This is what I've become ambassador?
-Your Majesty, for some reason Maximillian was fond of you and accepted almost without questions. I think he felt sorry for you.
-Sorry? People feel sorry for me?
-Most of the kingdoms know about his Majesties' adventures with other… females. They respect you but also feel rather sorry for you.
-He chose me as a way of saying I'm so sorry you are going through this, didn't he? And the Pope allows it because he knows me and feels also sorry for me. I'm to become Queen and Empress out of charity?
-It was the best option we had your Majesty. You are more than capable of handling all this and in a way, it was to get at Francis.
-And since I've already signed, I can't take it back. You played your cards too well ambassador. You are taking too many risks and you are starting to get on my nerves. One more move and I'll get rid of you, mark my words.
-I'm sorry your Majesty. It was planned by the Castilian court; I was just a messenger.
-Things have to change. I can't have people taking such liberties. The Spanish crown is mine by birthright, and in the end, it would have reached me, but I feel that it's not my place to be Empress, but we can't cry over spilt milk. I will be what Maximillian wanted me to, but I will not humiliate Francis. You better start thinking of a way of apologising or I'll take the matter into my own hands and get rid of you.
-Of course, your Majesty. I'm really sorry, I thought that all this would come out once we were in Spain, but I'm glad you already know. It will allow you to think of a course of action.
-Well, thank you for telling me, I just hope you are not keeping more things to yourself.
She got out of the carriage, fuming and made her way to the front. She felt used as if she were some sort of puppet and it just made her even madder that it had all been planned by people she hardly could remember or knew. She kicked a rock she found in her path before getting back inside her own carriage.
-Carry on coach! – they started moving again, Catherine looking out the window, the letter still in her hand.
-Are you okay?
-You'll be glad to know that I'm Empress because no one wanted Francis to have power over more than just France.
-I don't understand, what does Francis have to do with it?
-The Germans wanted to elect their next monarch and it was between Carlos and Francis I, but my own court talked with Maximillian, so I was appointed his only heir in his will.
-You were right. It doesn't belong to the Spanish crown.
-Not technically, no. He gave me his empire because he felt sorry for me.
-Why would he?
-Because of you. Everyone knows about your… affairs with other women and it has caused me this, a kingdom. I would gladly get rid of it if they stopped.
-Just because you are mad at them it doesn't mean you have to take it out on me you know.
-Let's not argue, okay? I'm tired and I want to sleep.
-Catherine, no one said that being Queen would be easy, you know how hard it is for me. It will be disconcerting and frustrating at the beginning, but you'll get used to it and will know how to do it soon.
-I know how to do it. You won over the Scottish thanks to me, so I'm not afraid, but I am upset and mad that people think they have the right to choose my future and talk about me without even asking me. I will not allow this to happen to our daughter Henry. I was used as a political puppet to humiliate Francis and I'm not like that.
-Of course, you are not like that, but you shouldn't resent this just because it reached you this way. They chose you and knew that you were capable of handling it, why don't you think about that? They could have looked for someone else, but they did it so you could reign.
-Should I be grateful I got these titles and lands under false pretences?
-You should be proud they entrusted you with the wellbeing of all those people. I trust you and I know you'll be a good Queen.
-But they lied and manipulated people so Francis wouldn't…
-He's a jerk, Catherine. He thinks he's better than everyone, he goes around building castles and spending every coin he has while his people are starving. He doesn't deserve more power or money and goes around starting wars he knows he can't win. You will be better than him.
-Why do I feel like I'm stepping on someone else's shoes?
-Because I've never given you much power or say in court and now… now you can do whatever you please. I will give you full power over England if I see that you are better than me.
-Henry, don't. They are your people and I already have a lot on my plate. Maybe you were right, and I should have thought about this before I signed.
-Nonsense. If you really didn't want it, we wouldn't be on our way.
She smiled sweetly at him. Lady de Salinas snored loudly and right after jumped, she had woken herself up. Catherine chuckled before taking Mary in her own arms, Henry's cape covering them both. Soon she found herself asleep the little bumps on the road making her fall to her side. Henry saw that Lady de Salinas had fallen back asleep as well and pulled Catherine into his arms so she could rest in a more comfortable position and it also allowed him time to think. He understood her way of thinking after all she had thought she had received Spain and the Empire because of an inheritance not because everything had been a plan to get at Francis. She had always been a fair monarch even if she had had little say about any political affairs, but he knew she was more than capable. She was the right person for this job even if she thought she didn't want it or deserve it. This was her new life and she would have to cope with it, for soon things might get rough and dark and she would have to choose between facing them herself or turning her back and letting others solve them.
It was very early the next day when the arrived in Southampton. Again, Mary had spent a rather fussy night depriving the three adults of their much-needed sleep. Catherine thought Henry would have left them to deal with the little girl while he went to another carriage to get some sleep, but he stayed and helped as much as possible. They took turns holding her and massaging her back and belly which sometimes allowed them to take short naps before a new wailing episode happened. They already knew it was colic but it still broke Catherine's heart to see her precious daughter crying all the time. They were just a couple of hours from Southampton when the fifth episode began. Catherine woke up with a start and took Mary from Maria's arms as Henry stretched in his seat. She rubbed Mary's belly with a very tired look on her face, her eyes closing every few minutes.
-Catherine, why don't I do it this time?
-No, she cries less when I'm with her.
-You need to rest, remember that you are with child.
-I know… Shhhhhh. She stopped crying. – Mary had fallen back asleep against her mother's chest. – I think we are done for tonight.
-How can you know it? – he took his cape and covered them with it as Catherine rested her head on his shoulder.
-She probably had gas. I felt something on my thigh, so I think she broke wind. Finally.
-We didn't have these problems with Henry.
-Well, Henry died before we could actually enjoy being with him. – she moved the head to an upright position, uncomfortable by the new topic of conversation.
-I've been thinking and maybe I shouldn't have said what I did when he passed.
-You blamed me and didn't even talk to me for a week. You should have thought about me as well, but you were too caught up in your own grief that you forgot I was there. I held our child as he left this world, and you never apologised for the horrible things you said. I still haven't forgiven you for that.
-It was so hard that after one failed pregnancy you had given me a son and that just like that he left. I should have known it was going to be harder for you than for me and I know I will never be able to apologise enough for that but believe when I say that I don't care if this baby is a girl as well. We don't need a boy to reign.
-I don't believe that. You are always going to wait for me to give birth to a son and I'll continue to disappoint you over and over again and we'll go back to square one.
-I'm not going to lie. I would really like a son, but if you only give me daughters, I won't mind it. Mary will be a very good Queen, I know it.
-What has got into you, Henry? We've been arguing about this for years. You've been getting my ladies pregnant to see if they would give you the boy you wanted for centuries and now you are telling me that you don't care if we don't have a son? I don't understand you.
-I just think that we should cherish what we have and not think about what we once had or what we could. Mary is the pearl of my world and it should remain like that even if you give me a son.
-She'll inherit the biggest empire the world has ever seen, and you know it. I just hope you are not doing this because you already have plans for her.
-Why would I? She's just three months old.
-Well, you better not get any ideas in that head of yours because I won't have her marrying the first idiot that kisses your behind.
-Catherine, they would have to kiss you, not me. I might be the father, but you have more power than I do and that will mean great advantages for whoever gets the opportunity of marrying her. I have no saying in this.
-Are really telling me this? Henry, you don't leave things to me. You better rest I think something might be wrong with you.
-I'm trying to fix my errors Catherine, the mistakes I've made over the years. You told me you wouldn't believe me unless I showed you that I'm willing to change my ways. I'm doing it.
-You are saying and doing what you think I would like you to. Henry, I don't want you to change I want you to stop hurting me. I don't want you to become what you think will please me.
-But I thought that's what you wanted.
-No, not at all. You are you and I have to understand that and learn to live with it but that doesn't mean that I will keep quiet about certain behaviours. You have your personality and I can't change that and I'm not trying to. I want you to learn that it's not just you and that your actions affect people including myself. You must learn what you are doing wrong and fix it for you as well as me.
-I see. I've been doing all this for nothing.
-For something Henry. I saw that you are capable of acting the same way you used to before we were married, pampering me, and acting all loving towards me. I know we can save this, but I need you to do it with me. Maybe being away from England will do you good.
-I like woman and I like being with them but maybe I've been sleeping with them to hurt you. I blamed you for Henry's death and I think I was having all these affairs as to hurt for killing him even though I know you didn't.
-Well, you certainly seemed more than taken with Anne. There were rumours that you were to ask me for a divorce.
-I was going to.
-What? – the morning light came through the carriage windows as she turned her head to look at her husband. He had been willing to leave her in favour of a commoner of a… a girl, throwing eight years of marriage out the window. She moved away from him cradling Mary even closer to her chest as if she were afraid someone might take her away.
-Anne had manipulated me telling me that she would give me the sons I wanted. I wanted her because she had seduced me, she gets upset very quickly and craves for my attention all the time. She made me think I wanted her for Queen of England.
-I don't think I want to continue with this conversation.
-Catherine, please. – he went to grab her arm, but she raised it, her hand pushing him away.
-No. I don't want to talk with you right now Henry. I just really don't want to have you around, but we are in a very small space, so I'll have to cope with it.
She couldn't believe that Henry had told her she had been the cause of all his affairs as a way of hurting her to no end for the death of their child. How could he say something like that? He just didn't understand how important to a mother her children are. She would have given her life if she had known it would save her son, she would have done anything to keep him alive and beside her and he really had to courage of telling her that? She felt as if her heart was being squashed inside her chest, tears forming in her eyes as she looked down the window. He would have left her as well for that whore and now he was trying to make her believe he had been seduced, bewitched by that Anne as if he wasn't to blame. He would have dumped her as if she were trash to marry that commoner, that whore. She had not spent her entire life preparing herself to become Queen of England only to have that snatched away from her. She wouldn't open herself to Henry until she saw that woman gone forever with her own eyes. It was about time she set the rules and punished those who don't follow them. She was tired of playing the good lady role with those who had hurt her and used her.
Twenty minutes later they arrived at the harbour, Catherine refusing any help from Henry as she got out of the carriage. The air was cold and salty making Mary's breathing become less elaborate underneath her father's cape. Two astonishing ships stood right in front of them, their polished wood making them shine against the morning sun almost as if they held a halo of their own. All the trunks were loaded in under twenty minutes, in which time Henry and Catherine had boarded their ship and were looking around the deck as it moved gently against the small waves that came from the sea. Catherine walked to what she considered to be some sort of banister and stared at the endless horizon that was right in front of her. The sky was clear, and it was believed that they would have a save journey, the waves rocking Catherine's soul as she imagined how different things might be in Spain. Would Santander still be as green as she remembered? Would the yellow fields still cover the Castilian plains? Would the air smell in Valencia as salty as it did here? She would miss England, she had grown to love it, but she couldn't wait to show her daughter around her other home, half of her roots.
-Ya verás María qué bonita es España. Su modo de vida también será el tuyo y ya puede decir tu padre lo que quiera, debes conocer a su gente y aprender que cada lugar es diferente. Serás una maravillosa reina, tienes un futuro prometedor por delante hija mía. Más allá de ese horizonte azul. (You'll see María how beautiful Spain is. Its lifestyle will be yours as well and your father can say whatever he wants, you must know your people and learn that every place is different. You'll be a magnificent Queen; you have a bright future ahead of you my daughter. Over that blue horizon.)