A/N TRIGGER WARNING! This chapter contains a graphic description of sexual assault.

I know that reading about a sexual assault can be traumatic. I suggest that if this to hard to read, which is perfectly understandable in my opinion, it might be better to skip this chapter from the moment that part starts. It will be clear when that happens.

Chapter 14

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." - Mother Theresa.

After Alex was finished Olivia had the tears in her eyes. How is it possible that this wonderful, intelligent and caring woman chose her? Olivia can't believe the words she just heard.

"Do you really mean this?" Olivia asks softly.

"Yes I do. Do you think I pour my heart out like this with everyone? I don't. You are the only one. So you better believe every single word of it, Detective." Alex smiles.

"Sorry, stupid question. Thank you Alex, this means so much to me. I'm sorry that I'm such a mess." Olivia says.

"You may confused and scared or maybe you are a bit of mess right now. Which is completely understandable but you're still my mess Olivia Benson. And in case you haven't noticed it I care deeply for you." Alex says.

"That I am, Counselor. That I am. You mean everything to me, Lex. I'm incredibly lucky that a woman such as yourself chooses me to be her girlfriend. I care for you too very much Alexandra Cabot." Olivia replies.

Brown eyes stare intensely into blue ones. Trying to say what can't be said out loud yet. The women look into each others eyes for about a minute till Olivia shyly looks away.

"How about you make that dinner you were talking about, Counselor? And be careful I'm not able to get us out or use the fire distinguisher." Olivia jokes, switching the subject.

"What, you can't use it with one hand? You disappoint me Detective. I thought you could manage such a simple task with one hand." Alex teases.

"Oh I can do a lot of things with one hand, Counselor. Especially with my right hand." Olivia winks.

Alex smiles and shakes her head before she gets up and walks back to the kitchen. While Alex makes their dinner the two of them have a light conversation. Olivia is checking the blonde out more than once but Alex acts like she doesn't notice it. Of course the blonde attorney feels the Detective's eyes on her and secretly she is happy with it. That Olivia is able to do small things like this at this moment. 20 minutes later Alex is done and cleans up the kitchen first.

"Do you still want to wait till after we're done talking for tonight?" Alex asks.

"Although it smells delicious Alex, I think it's for the best to wait. It would be a waist of it if we can't keep it down. So I think we should wait with eating our dinner." Olivia answers.

"Charmer. Fine we'll wait. I let it cool off before I put it in the refrigerator. Do you want a cup of tea or coffee, or something else to drink?" Alex asks.

"Do you have the same coffee here as you have at your apartment?" Olivia asks hopefully.

"Yes of course. It's worse enough I have to drink that crap they call coffee at the office or what ever it is that Munch makes. I would be stupid to drink something else here too." Alex answers.

"Amen to that. Well in that case I would die for a cup of coffee." Olivia smiles.

"Coffee it is." Alex says.

A few minutes later Alex walks with two steaming cups of coffee to the couch and hands one to Olivia before she sits down next to the Detective. Olivia takes a sip and moans.

"Sorry for that. I just really missed your coffee the past week." Olivia says shyly.

"Yeah I can hear that." Alex says dryly.

"You're just jealous at my cup of coffee." Olivia counters.

"I have my own cup, thank you very much. Anyway how do want to do this? Do you want me to ask you questions to start with till you're ready to take over or do you want to tell me what happened and we'll go from there? Remember we can stop whenever you want and I know you're scared of losing me when I know it but that's not gonna happen." Alex asks.

"I'm not scared of losing you because of what happened, Lex. I'm scared I'll lose you because of what I didn't do. I'm a damn decorated Detective. I should have defended myself, I should have fight back and keep him of me or try to at least. I didn't do that, I did nothing, I just let it happen. Some cop I am. I'm afraid of losing you because I was weak, am weak and joke of cop." Olivia answers softly.

"You didn't just let it happen, Olivia. Now I don't know what happened exactly, yet, but I do know that you didn't 'just' let it happen. You weren't alone with him. There were others too. You didn't have a choice you did the best thing you could do because you are a Detective. A damn good one! Don't say that you were weak or are weak because that's so not true. You are the strongest person I know. So don't blame yourself for what happened to you. You told me not to blame myself, that it wasn't my fault. Don't start blaming yourself because it certainly wasn't your fault. And to get it out of the way right now, I'd rather kill myself than leave you for what you think is wrong. I told you before, nothing and I mean NOTHING can make me leave you. Now tell me how you want to do this." Alex says.

"I should have known that you would say this. But is does make me feel better, relieved. I think that I want to try to tell you what happened first. If I can't do it maybe you could ask me questions. Like, I don't know, maybe pretend we're prepping for trial or something like that." Olivia says.

"That's ok. Take your time, there's no rush or time limit." Alex says softly.

Olivia drinks her coffee slowly trying to get the courage to start telling Alex what happened that dark day almost a week ago. Alex waits patiently drinking her own coffee. The blonde knows how hard it is for a victim to tell their story. Knowing that telling your story to your girlfriend doesn't make it easier, if anything it probably makes it even harder to tell it. As Olivia finishes her cup she puts it in front of her on the coffee table and takes a deep breath before she leans back.

"When we arrived at central booking I told the guards there that I'm a Detective. That I shouldn't have been arrested because I was on duty and doing my job. They laughed in my face and said that either I was high or drunk or maybe both because they didn't believe for one second that I was a Detective. They said that if I was a Detective I should have had my badge and gun with me, since I didn't wear them I was lying and make up a story. I told them to check my name and badge number and that they would see that I was telling the truth. But they said that would be a waist of their time and that they had better things to do because I surely would have given them a fake name and badge number. They strip searched me and put back on the cuffs and walked me to a holding cell for multiple persons. When they threw me inside they said that all the holding cells were 'full' and that there was no other cell where they could hold me so that I just needed to suck it up and stay there. With that they closed the cell and left me with 3 guys. They weren't that bad. Sure they made some dirty comments and catcalls, stuff like that but they didn't touch me or threatened me. I went to the back of the cell and kept quiet minding my own business. About 10 minutes after they'd locked me up the opened the cell and threw in another guy. I looked up and I froze. It was Barbara they threw inside. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't speak up, I couldn't make a scene. So far the other guys didn't know I was a Detective. When they took his cuffs off I knew I was doomed. The guards didn't believe with the booking and they wouldn't have believed me if I would say it now. When the guard locked the cell he said that they needed to behave themselves or their sentences would be extended. The other men nodded and said they would. Barbara... he smiled at the guard. He..just smiled..." Olivia says softly.

Olivia is crying and she slightly starts trembling. Alex doesn't know what emotion is the strongest inside her at the moment. She is furious that the guards didn't believe Olivia and didn't even wanted to check her name and badge number. Her heart breaks knowing how scared Olivia must have felt when they threw Barbara in the same cell. How was it possible that they had fucked it up so badly and putted a rapist in cell with woman. Yes Olivia is a Detective but she didn't have the slightest chance in a cell with 4 men. All the younger blonde does is holding her Detective in her arms and try to give her some comfort. Alex never felt so helpless and defeated before in her entire life. Even being in Witsec didn't come close to what she is feeling now. That was about herself now it's about the woman she loves. Even though they didn't say it yet Alex loves Olivia more than anything else in her life, more than life itself. And it breaks her heart seeing her girlfriend like this.

"Liv, do want to stop for now?" Alex asks softly, her voice raspier due to her own emotions.

"No, I want.. to get it out." Olivia answers softly.

"Is there anything I can do to make this easier for you?" Alex asks.

"Can you hold me in your arms? Can I.. can I lay down in your arms? I want to feel.. safe again. Even if only for a moment." Olivia whispers.

"Of course. Everything I can do to help you I'll do. I'll do anything to make you feel safe again." Alex answers softly.

Alex helps Olivia to turn a bit slowly so that she can sit behind the Detective and lean against the arm of the couch. When Olivia is ready she carefully sits down behind and leans back and pulls the Detective in her arms and against her own body. At first Olivia flinches when Alex sits down behind her but as soon as Alex pulls her against her own body and puts her arms around her she leans back and relaxes a bit.

"You are so brave, Liv. I'm so proud of you. You came so far already. You're strong. I know you don't feel like it but you are. So incredibly strong and brave." Alex says softly in Olivia's ear.

Alex whispers sweet encouraging words in Olivia's ear while she softly rubs Olivia's arm and back. Slowly Olivia calms down a bit. And for the first time in a week she feels safe again. Safe in Alex's arms, knowing that the younger woman will never hurt her or harm her in any way possible. They stay like this for a few minutes when Olivia speaks again.

"I think I'm ready to continue now." Olivia says.

"Alright. Remember that your safe in my arms. Nothing can happen to you here." Alex says.

"I know. For the first time this week I feel safe again. I know that you won't hurt me, that you'll do everything you can to keep me safe." Olivia answers.

"That's right honey. I'll do everything I can to protect you and keep you safe. I'm glad that you feel safe now here with me." Alex says softly.

Olivia pulls Alex's arms a bit tighter around her. Getting strength from Alex holding her in her arms. After taking a couple of deep breath Olivia continues.

"He waited till the guard was gone. We were in the last cell of the hallway. Across my cell was another cell. There were only men in it and they were all gang members. So what ever would happen they wouldn't help. When the guard was gone he told the other guys that he and I had some unfinished business. At first the others protested but after he told them that I was a cop they stopped. One of the guys motioned to the gang members to keep an eye on the hallway. I walked back into the corner and they stood together in a line... with their backs to us. He yanked me at my arm and turned me around. Then... he putted his left hand over my mouth and kept it there squeezing me hard. With his other hand he pulled my dress up... around my waist and whispered things into my ear. He.. he went with his hand under my dress...from aside and touched me all over my body. Then he squeezed my breasts hard. I don't know how long. He pulled his hand back and pulled down my underwear a bit, not far just far enough to..." Olivia chokes out.

Olivia tries to control her breathing. Tries to push away the images that are running through her head. She tries to focus on the soft touches on her back from Alex and listens to the sooting voice of the blonde. The only thing Alex does is trying to calm down the Detective. She knows that Olivia wants to get it out. And as long as Olivia doesn't panic, stresses too much or getting a flashback Alex let her go on. Trying to block her own emotions and to be there the best she can for her girlfriend. After a few minutes it seems like Olivia is a bit more in control again and the Detective goes further with telling what happened.

"I heard him pull the button of his jeans and pull down the zipper. And I froze... I couldn't move.. I was so scared, Lex. I was so scared. I was standing there and I knew he would rape me... and there was nothing I could do, nobody would help me. All the time I was in that cell with him I kept wishing that somebody would come back and get me out of there. That the guys would find out where I was and get out of there. But nobody came. Just before he.. he pushed inside me he whispered something in my ear again. When he was done... he pulled it out and pushed his fingers inside. One of the men said that... that it was their turn. He sneered at them that they could have... have me after he was done and not sooner. He kept... raping me again and again... and suddenly he stopped. I didn't know why until I somehow heard footsteps coming towards us. I guess that one of the gang members warned them that somebody was coming to our direction. I sort of snapped out of the state I was in. How I don't know I just did. And I tried to act normal like nothing happened. Afraid that someone just came checking and walk away again or something like that. I don't know what I was thinking. I can't remember what happened after that. All I can remember is that I was outside Rikers and that Amanda and Fin got me back to the precinct." Olivia finishes, breaking down completely now that she is done.