Hi guys.

I...well...I know I've been pretty absent for a while. So first of all, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I kinda fell off the map.

A lot has happened in my life the past few months. I'm still trying to process it all. So, while I' going to try to be more active here once again I won't make any promises.

"I'm going to just pause right here and ask for prayers because I'm about to go on a long rant. And if you don't want to read I understand I just have a lot I need to get off my chest and I kinda feel like I owe you guys an explanation for my disappearance.

Short Explanation: I spent five months in a very unhealthy and emotionally abusive relationship (gaslighting, manipulation, and power imbalances to boot), and I've spent the last month trying to recover from the break-up and fallout.

Long explanation: This past July I moved across state to start a new job. I was pretty much on my own. I knew almost no one in my new hometown. So I started visiting churches. I found one I really liked. And in my Sunday school class there was this guy who kinda took me under his wing and showed me around. We just kinda clicked. But I was still new to town. Everything in my life was new. I had a lot to learn and figure out. So when he admitted, not even a whole two months later that he liked me, I told him that I kinda liked him back but that I wasn't ready for a relationship. In response to my answer that I was not ready he said he'd wait "But not too long. Because I've been lonely for a long time." Big red flag. But, for whatever reason, I ignored it.

So we agreed to just be friends...I thought. But whenever we were out together, he'd act like we were already a couple, comparing us to couples on television, introducing me to his parents, telling friends we were practically together.

Looking back on it I think I knew that this wasn't right. But when I came to this place I was alone. But whether intentional or not he had placed himself in a position in my life where all of my social connections were through him. He introduced me to all my new friends and aquaintances, and he could bad talk me and quickly take them all away if he wanted to if I stopped the relationship. But he was genuinely nice to me. He brought me food when I was sick. And he said and did everything "right." For all intents and purposes he was a good guy. In short, I felt like I couldn't say no. I felt like I had no reason to say no.

Fast forward to a couple weeks later. He's moving houses so I bring him food. Even though we'd agreed to just be friends and he said he'd wait he asked me for a kiss. Fourth red flag.

But again I felt I had no reason, no right to say no to him so I stupidly agreed./

That night he made us facebook official. It gets shared all over social media. As we are driving home from our first official date (although according to him every outing we'd had while still friends was a "date" he starts asking about our possible future wedding. I knew in my head things were going way too fast and I wasn't ready. But again, if it weren't for him I may have still been alone trying to find new friends so I felt I couldn't say no. And when I thought about bringing this up, when I would start to try, he'd beat me to it. I don't think he meant to. But whenever I felt like saying something he'd cut in and say "I know we're moving fast, but I think this is the right thing because _ don't you agree?" And the thing he'd fill the blank in would usually be about how I was helping him. As nice as this guy was he had a lot of personal issues. He would bring up one of these issues and then go on this long, flattering tangent about how much I was helping him. And he would say such pretty things and nice things and they sounded so complimentary that I knew if I said "no, I don't agree" I'd look like a big jerk. So I always said yes.

And I'm not trying to pin all the blame on him . I should have stood my ground and I should have said no. But I was scared to. So things continued. And I start getting expensive and lavish gifts from his parents who start calling me their future daughter in law online, and telling their friends and family members that we'll be getting married soon. All of a sudden I went from just casually dating this guy to being practically engaged to him. I'm still not even sure how it happened. But I'm getting roses at work and beautiful jewelry, and these elegant serving trays and kitchen tools that must cost a fortune, and gift cards to restaurants that I could even afford to walk through the front door of on my own, so how can I say no? I would look like a horrible person if I said no or backed out now. I knew it, and I think he and his parents knew it too.

Then it happened. I'd always wondered how he and his family could afford to get me such amazing gifts. It turns out that he is in CRIPPLING debt. Like, absurd amounts of debt.

He never told me about this when talking about weddings, or marriage, or future. In fact I found out by accident. He was never planning on telling me. And when I confronted him about this, he just shrugged it off. "I had no idea it would bother you this much. How much debt are you in?"

I told him that I have a small, 7,000 dollar student loan that I am diligently making payments on that should be forgiven in five years. (Something I DID mention before, while he lied about his debt and kept it a secret. Again, I only found out about it by accident.).

His reply: "Well, no wonder you're freaked out. You're an exception to the rule. Almost everyone our age has debt. You're the exception not the norm." What he was really trying to say is "Stop making a big deal about it. You're the weird one here not me."

He was the one who lied and kept secrets from me, but somehow I'm the one who is out of touch with reality.

From there I tried to find a way to get him out of debt. The whole time I'm researching and crunching numbers, he's watching cat videos. He even pulls my screen away and shoves his phone in my face to show me a cute kitten he found while I'm trying to solve HIS debt problem. And then he went to bed and left me in the midst of a panic attack without so much as a second thought.

I woke him up and confronted him about it. He apologized and said he'd get a financial class subscription. We're supposed to go through it the next time I see him."We don't. He plays videogames the whole time.

"We do come up with a plan though. Since he did make more money than me once we were married we would use MY paycheck to pay off the debt and live off of his. This of course meant we'd have to cut back on expenses. His response? "Can I keep my playstation subscription? I try to confront him about this but I get the same song and dance. Promises to change but the next day he's out buying more video games. And I still haven't seen a glimpse of that financial class he'd promised. We have another conversation and it's more of the same stuff. "Yeah, but you've helped me so much with_. That's why I know this is right.

It was then I realized what was really going on. He wanted me to fix all his problems for him. He pressured me into a relationship I wasn't ready for, dumped all his problems on me, and expected me to just fix it all without complaint. Heck, he expected me to give up my entire paycheck for years while he wouldn't even give up a But I let him do it. I gave into the pressure. I let myself get pulled into and let it all go on for FAR too long. And that's my fault and I am so ashamed of myself. But that weekend my dad came down to visit and THANK GOD he did. His fatherly instinct picked up that something wasn't right and he finally talked some sense into me. That night I ended it. I told him I want to break this whole romance thing off and start over as friends.

A few days later we met at and I gave him his ring back.

He said he wanted to go back to being friends, but then went right to talking about the possibility of us getting back together. It hadn't even been a week since we'd broken up and he was already talking about us getting back together, even after one of my big issues was that we've moved too fast. After we broke up I got some pretty nasty and passive aggressive posts from his mother on social media. His only response was "she doesn't hate you." And the posts didn't stop. And neither did the hints about us getting back together. I've since unfollowed him and his mother on online. I've stopped contacting him and so far he's made no real effort to contact me.

'm still reeling from all of this emotionally. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of myself for letting this happen. But I am doing better, and writing has always helped me get through the dark patches in my life so I'm going to try and get back into the swing of things. Again, so sorry I just disappeared on you guys. You're all awesome and I love you.

I'll have a new chapter for "25th Grand Magic Games" up later today. I don't promise that it will be great, because I'm still a bit shaky emotionally, but I need something to get my mind off things and you guys deserve an update, so here I am.

I hope y'all can understand, but if not that's okay.

I love you guys, and I miss you. And I'm really sorry for the wait.