Chapter 17
"Love makes your soul crawl out of its hiding place." - Zora Neale Hurston.
While Alex and Olivia had been talking, Abby's nose stopped bleeding and she cleaned it up as good as she could. The tall brunette didn't think it was broken but she was sure she would feel it in the next couple of days. Not that she would tell Olivia that, the older brunette would beat herself up for hitting her anyway and she didn't want to let her feel more guilty than she already would feel. After cleaning up her nose Abby decided to make some coffee and then to go and get Alex and Olivia. They all could use a strong cup of coffee she figured. When the coffee was almost ready Abby walked down the hallway to the spare room. Just when she entered the room Olivia pulled back her head.
"I'm sorry for interrupting y'all. I just came here to say that coffee is almost ready. I'll get my ass out of here." Abby mumbles.
Alex and Olivia are blushing for being caught but they both know that nothing else would happen. They look at each other for a moment before they turn their heads to Abby.
"What, is the big bad ADA afraid of a kiss? Don't worry Counselor, nothing else is gonna happen it's safe for you to stay. And what happened to your nose?" Olivia asks.
"Or is someone being jealous here?" Alex asks hoping to distract Olivia.
Abby makes a gagging sound.
"Ow Cabot that's just gross. You're my best friend and Detective Badass here is like my big sister or something like that. So no I'm not jealous. I'm actually happy that ya both got your head out of your assess. It'll be a lot easier for the rest of us to deal with the two of ya after you got into one of your fights." Abby answers.
For a split second Olivia looks confused before she slips her mask back on and she answers to Abby.
"Get your mind out of the gutter Carmichael. What ever it is that you're thinking about that's not gonna happen for 2 months at least. I'm not allowed to do that physically. And I'm certainly not ready for it mentally. And you didn't answer my question Abby." Olivia says.
Abby thinks about it for a moment and decides to tell Olivia the truth. She knows that Olivia somehow always knows when she's lying and she doesn't want to upset the Detective more by lying at her.
"I came too close to you when I tried to get you out your flashback and you hit me. It's my own fault, Liv. I shouldn't have come so close to you and I should have gone to get Alex instead of trying to get ya out of it myself first." Abby says.
"Oh Abby. I'm sorry. You're wrong, it's my fault not yours. I'm the one that hit you. I'm so sorry. It's not broken is it?" Olivia asks worried.
"No it's not broken. You have to hit me harder than that to get my nose broken. It ain't your fault, Liv. I know that you're are thinking the worst of yourself and you need stop with that right now. You have nothing to be blamed for. Now how about we all go back to the living room and drink the coffee that's probably ready?" Abby asks.
Olivia thinks for a moment and then looks up at Alex.
"Would you mind if I talked alone with Abs for a while about something?" Olivia asks.
"Liv, it's not your fault. I don't mind to leave the two of you alone. But beating yourself up, for something you could do nothing about, is not going to help you." Alex answers.
"I know that. And I promise you both that I'll try not to do it." Olivia says.
"Alright. I'll go to the living room, when you two are done you know where to find me." Alex says, getting up from the bed.
"Thanks Lex. See you soon." Olivia answers.
Alex leans down to kiss Olivia's forehead and then leaves the two brunettes alone. Trying not to worry about her girlfriend and at the same time being as happy as possible knowing that Olivia loves her as much as she loves the Detective. She knows that it's gonna take a while before Olivia is ready to say it out loud but how short the kiss might have been, she could feel the love Olivia is feeling for her in it.
"Alright, what's bothering? I know that you're worried about something and it ain't about hitting my nose by accident." Abby asks, as she sits down next to Olivia.
"Can't hide anything for you, can I?" Olivia asks softly.
"I'm sure there are some things but no, not much. What's wrong Liv, besides what's obvious? I saw the look ya had for a moment." Abby asks gently.
"You said I'm like your big sister or something like that, I know we are." Olivia says, pausing to think how to say what's on her mind.
"I know you know that. What's bothering you about that?" Abby asks.
Abby slowly puts her hand on Olivia's leg to encourage her silently.
"Well... I am the 'something like that' part. Alex said it doesn't matter to her what I decide about the decision I have to make but I'm still scared to death that she changes her mind and leaves me. I guess I have to tell you what that is to make sense out of what I'm saying, don't I?." Olivia softly asks.
"I know this, Alex won't change her mind about it, what ever it is, if she said that it doesn't matter to her what you decide. She won't leave you, Liv. Alex loves you. I don't think there is anything that could make her leave you. I do think you need to tell me what you're talking about if you want me to be able to give you a better answer and help you or make me understand what you're talking about." Abby answers.
"I'm sorry for being so vague, Abs. I just can't be more specific telling you it without Alex knowing it first. I don't want her to know it after you. If that's alright and I hope that does make sense." Olivia says.
"Yes that does make sense. We both love you, Liv but I ain't loving you like she does and you ain't loving me like you love her so of course she needs to know it before me. And even though I don't understand what you're talking about ya don't have to worry about that. I can wait till you're ready to talk about it with me. It's more important for me that you are feeling as well as you can, given the circumstances, and that Alex knows it.
Look, if you can wait till after the trial and you're recovered a bit, mentally, from what happened to you, I would wait if I were you. But I can't look into your mind. If it would help you to get it off your chest, being less stressful for the trial and your mental recovery, you should talk about it with her before it starts." Abby says, smiling softly at Olivia.
"Thank you Abby. You did help me. I think I'm going to talk with Alex about it now. It would help me to get it off my chest and have it out of the way. I'm still scared but somewhere deep down inside of me I know you're right about her. So I'm gonna do it now before I lose my nerves and chicken out." Olivia says.
"Alright. You know what's the best thing to do or not to do. Do ya want me to go to Alex and ask her to come back here?" Abby asks.
"No. If you don't mind I want you to help me to get up. I think that talking outside at the lake with a cup of coffee will be more relaxing, now that it's still warm outside." Olivia answers.
"Sure. Let's get you up then." Abby says.
Olivia tells the younger brunette how she can help her the best and when the Detective is on her feet again the two of them walk to the living room. As soon as Olivia enters the living room she smells the coffee.
"Ow that smells so good." Olivia moans and walks straight to the kitchen to pour herself some.
Alex looks up from the book she was reading when she hears Olivia moaning, her eyes are slightly getting darker from hearing the sound that comes out of the Detective's mouth. Abby looks at them both and can't stop herself from snickering. Causing Alex to turn red knowing she's busted and Olivia to turn around looking sternly and raising one eyebrow at the brunette ADA. Abby doesn't know if Olivia is being serious or not and decides she doesn't take the risk.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it nor doing that." Abby says.
"Bullshit, Carmichael. You meant it exactly like that." Olivia says and looks at Alex.
"C'mon Counselor, you and I are going to sit outside. Abs can stay here as her punishment." Olivia says.
Olivia walks past Abby to go outside and winks at the Texan letting her know that she isn't mad. Alex stands up and follows the Detective giving Abby an apologizing look. Abby just smiles at the blonde ADA as she walks to the coffee table, picks up her briefcase and sits down on the couch figuring she could finish her work so they can relax when her friends are done talking. Outside Alex helps Olivia on one of the lounge chairs before she sits down herself.
"Are you mad at her?" Alex asks.
"No I'm not, I just used it as an excuse to get you outside with me. I let her know it that I wasn't mad when I looked at her as I past her. I want to talk with you about something and I thought that we could do that sitting outside now that it's still warm here." Olivia answers.
"Should I be worried? I mean you talked with Abby first and now you want to talk with me." Alex asks.
"No you don't need to worry. She doesn't know what we're gonna talk about. I talked to her cryptically to get some advice and she calmed me down a bit with her answers. I'm talking with you now because I don't want to lose my nerves and chicken out. And I didn't want to talk about the 'what' with her before I talked with you." Olivia answers.
Being calmed down with Olivia's answer Alex leans back into the lounge chair and looks at the Detective.
"I know I can't reassure you before you told me what you need say, so why don't you tell me it and I reassure you afterwards?" Alex asks.
"I guess you're right. I have to wait and see, for reassuring me afterwards, till you know it. So here goes nothing." Olivia answers.
Olivia looks away from Alex for a few moments.
"I sort of made a decision about keeping or not keeping my testicles." Olivia says.
"Sort of?" Alex asks.
"Well I want to keep them but that's not all I need to tell. After struggling for the biggest part of my life, I think I finally figured out what is wrong with me. And even though I know I could lose you, I can't change the fact that I won't be complete. I never can be really happy with you, if you still want to be with me, if I'm not who I am. What I am I should probably say. I never will be happy again without you but if I want a chance to be happy with you, I have to take the risk and with that maybe destroy what we have or could have. But that's the price I might need to pay. After what happened in Rikers you must be thinking that I finally lost my mind and went crazy, but I have to do this. When I'm mentally recovered and ready for it I want a sex changing surgery. I'm sorry, Lex." Olivia says, whispering the last sentence.