A/N 100 reviews! Y'all are amazing. At first I had some doubts when I started to write this story but with 100 reviews for 17 chapters I think it's safe to say that I don't need to worry anymore. Thank y'all so much.

Usually I don't comment on a review specifically or say something about it but I'd like to make an exception today because part of the review from Jbcjazz is one of the reasons I decided to write a story with this subject. To get subjects like this out in the open. And to help victims and/or survivors, to try to be a voice for those who cannot speak. So I'm glad that this story and maybe some of my other stories are helping others to deal with what ever is going on in their lives. To be a (small) light in the darkness of all of your lives. If I can do that for one person like I'm doing for her then to me this story is already more valuable than I could ever hope for. And that means the world to me. Knowing that I do something good in this life for others. And with that making my own life more valuable.

A/N 2 I know this is another extremely short chapter but after leaving y'all hanging and dealing with another major cliff hanger I thought I needed to make it up and let y'all know as soon as possible what Alex's reaction will be.

I'll try to make the next chapter longer again. Which ain't easy without my muse. She's still abandoning me so for now we all have to do it with the creations of my own mind.

I'd like to dedicate this chapter to my girlfriend. She surely is the light in my life.

She is the Alex to my Olivia...

Alright enough cheesy stuff from my side, I've got a rep to protect. Ha ha.

Keep R+R beside the fact that I'm addicted to them they also are a big inspiration for me. :D

Chapter 18

"Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own." - H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

"Well I want to keep them but that's not all I need to tell. After struggling for the biggest part of my life, I think I finally figured out what is wrong with me. And even though I know I could lose you, I can't change the fact that I won't be complete. I never can be really happy with you, if you still want to be with me, if I'm not who I am. What I am I should probably say. I never will be happy again without you but if I want a chance to be happy with you, I have to take the risk and with that maybe destroy what we have or could have. But that's the price I might need to pay. After what happened in Rikers you must be thinking that I finally lost my mind and went crazy, but I have to do this. When I'm mentally recovered and ready for it I want a sex changing surgery. I'm sorry, Lex." Olivia says, whispering the last sentence.

After Olivia is finished Alex stays silent for a few seconds before she stands up and takes the two steps towards Olivia's chair. As soon as the blonde got up Olivia held her breath. She was sure that she would pay the full prize and lose Alex. A look of confusion crosses the Detective's face when Alex doesn't walk away but walks towards her.

"Lean forward Liv, I want to sit behind you. If that's alright with you of course. I promise I'll respond but I want to have you in my arms when I do that." Alex says softly.

Leaning forward Olivia carefully moves a bit forward. If Alex wanted to sit behind her and hold her in her arms her response couldn't be that bad, could it? As soon as Olivia moved forward Alex steps behind her Detective and sits down. While leaning back against the chair Alex pulls Olivia backwards and puts her arms around the Detective. Feeling the tension leaving Olivia's body when she leans back against her.

"You don't have to worry about me leaving you and certainly not for this, Liv. Even if I wanted it, which I absolutely don't want, I would never be able to actually do it. Because with leaving you I would not only kill you, destroy your heart but I also would destroy mine and kill myself. You have nothing to be sorry for neither. I know I have said this before but I'm gonna say it again; I love you for who you are honey, not what you are.

I think inside myself I already knew that you wanted to do this when you didn't know what to do when they asked you in the hospital what you wanted to do. I know it is a long way to go but I intent to be there next to you every step of it. I also know that it won't be easy for neither of us but we have come so far, have left so much behind us and survived so many obstacles thrown at us, we will get through this too. Neither of us is alone in it this time, now we have each other. I promise I'll be there for you, love you and defend or protect you when needed with everything I am and have.

You were right all those years ago and you're right now, I don't know how it feels like to feel that your own body is a mistake but I do see how it effects you. And if it makes you feel complete, makes you feel happy than that's what you should do. Because all I want is for you to be happy and preferably with me. I don't care what body you have, female or male, I know I will love it anyway. Everything I said earlier about loving you and what I want with you still counts. This doesn't change what I want with you, Liv. As long as I have you, I'll be the happiest woman on this planet.

And for the record, I don't think you're crazy or went crazy. I think you're the most beautiful person I've met in my life, inside and outside now and in the future, Detective Benson." Alex finishes.

Olivia was overwhelmed with everything Alex said to her. Abby was right, Alex really does love her. More than that the blonde still wants everything what she wanted before with her. Olivia couldn't believe what she just heard. How did she get a woman that loves her unconditionally and so understanding. So supportive with what she wants. Is this the true love people always talk about? Because it surely looks that way. But the Detective needed to be sure. Needed to have it confirmed that Alex really means what she said. With everything that's going on the Detective is more insecure than she normally is.

"Do you really mean what you said? All of it?" Olivia asks softly.

"Yes, I do." Alex answers.

"Come and sit in front of me, Lex." Olivia says softly.

"Alright." Alex says.

The blonde ADA softly pushes Olivia forwards and gets up to sit in front of the Detective like she requested.

"Now why did I need to sit in front of you?" Alex asks as she sits down.

"This is why." Olivia answers.

As soon as Alex sits she's pulled forward by Olivia and the Detective immediately kisses the blonde's lips. After a few seconds Olivia opens her lips and silently asks Alex to deepen their kiss into an open mouth kiss. Without thinking Alex opens her lips and electricity is coursing through her body when she tastes Olivia for the time on her lips. Olivia lift her hands up to Alex face and gently takes it into her hands. After kissing for about 10 seconds Olivia pulls back and leans her forehead against Alex's.

"Wow." Alex breaths, trying to get her breathing under control.

"Wow indeed, Counselor." Olivia whispers after regaining her breath.

"What was that for?" Alex asks softly.

Olivia pulls back a bit and looks at Alex.

"For being you. For being so amazing. For still wanting to be with me and still wanting everything I want for loving me. I... well... I... I mean... I... you..." Olivia stutters.

"It's alright, Liv. Just because you can't say it yet doesn't mean I don't know it or don't feel it. Don't try to force yourself, when you're ready it will come out." Alex says softly.

"I'm sorry for not being able to say it, Lex." Olivia whispers.

"Don't be, don't be so hard on yourself. You took some big steps today, you can't take them all at the same time. You gave your statement to Abs, you talked with me, opened up to me. We kissed, twice, today without you flinching. And boy what for kisses they were. You really kicked ass, Detective. I'm proud of you. Even with having a flashback this was a very good day for you and for us." Alex says.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm a big bad Detective. Alright, enough talking for today. Let's go back to Carmichael and relax a bit before we go to bed." Olivia says.

Alex nods at Olivia and stands up. She knows Olivia was done talking for today. After helping the Detective up the two women walk back to the cabin. The three of them relaxed together for about an hour before they all decided to call it a day and go to bed. They decide that Abby is going to stay in the spare bedroom and that Olivia stays with Alex in the master bedroom and wish each other a good night before they go to their bedrooms. Alex looks and takes care of Olivia's wounds before they go through their nightly routines. Half an hour later all three women are lying in bed and they all hope that Olivia will make it through the night without having nightmares.