All will now be revealed . . . . get ready from the drama and angst to begin!
Thank you for all your reviews. I really do appreciate them, and they motivate me so much to keep writing and to keep thinking how I can make the story better.
Have a great weekend! Bella x
The Butterly Effect
Part 3 - If you'd accept surrender, I'd give up some more
"Goddammit!" He shouts while throwing the folder in his hand across his office. The papers inside land scattered on the floor. Luckily it's late and everyone else has left for the day. She knew it hadn't gone well, the moment he'd stalked across the floor into his office without so much as looking in her direction.
She knew as the hours ticked by and he hadn't returned from his meeting, that all hell must have broken loose. She'd waited, knowing he'd come back to the office eventually. Despite what Harvey would like everyone to think, his behaviour is fairly predictable.
If he's in a good mood, he wants to hit a bar and show off and flirt. If he wants to lick his wounds, he'll head for somewhere dark and solitary and familiar.
She knew he'd show eventually. It's clear that he plans to sulk alone, so she figures she'll have to go to him.
When she enters his office he's opening a bottle of Macallan 40. It had been a gift from a client for one of his first wins at the firm. It was ostentatious and grand and as much a way for the client to show off as it was to say thank you. She still has mixed feelings about them helping out multi-millionaires and billionaires, rather than helping to put away murderers, drug dealers and rapists.
"Harvey, that's a 25 thousand dollar bottle of Whiskey!" She watches him aggressively open the packaging and pour them both a generous amount of the ridiculously expensive liquid, before downing his and then re-filling his glass.
"Yeah well, we should enjoy it before I get fired." She purses her lips and tilts her head at him, as if to indicate don't be so ridiculous. He stretches out the other glass towards her and she takes it from his hand.
"Harvey, it was a bad meeting. Everyone knew it was going to be tough. You'll find a way to make it right, you always do."
"I know. I just think I've had my fill of self-important billionaire ass-holes who think I can perform miracles for one week." He says sighing while loosening his tie.
"Do you miss it?" She says, and he looks at her like he has no idea what she's talking about. "The DA's office . . helping people that actually need our help." She says taking a sip from the tumbler in her hand.
"I didn't take you for one of those people." He says smirking at her.
"What people are they?" She says looking indignant, trying to work out what accusation he's throwing her way.
"The kind that thinks all rich people are bad." He says taking a sip from his drink, swallowing hard as his throat begins to burn from the amount he's had in the last couple of minutes.
"That's not it and you know it. It's just different to what we used to do. Besides, you're the one complaining about your clients."
"Do you like it here?" He asks, having not yet asked this question in all the weeks they've been at the firm.
"Yeah of course, everyone's really nice . . it pays well." She says avoiding his eyes when she answers.
"You happy to be back?" She asks him in return, swirling the liquid around her glass.
"I am." He says drawing in a deep breath. Perhaps today hadn't been the best day to answer that question. "It's not been the easiest few weeks. And getting chewed out like that in front of Louis . . it wasn't a nice feeling." He says with surprising honesty.
"No." She agrees, a smirk crossing her lips.
"Why are you smiling." He asks with a frown on his face.
"Because, we both know that you're never going to make whatever mistake you made today - again, and that you're going to spend the next few days finding a way to prove you're the best." She says, showing that every cloud has a silver lining. "You'll come back fighting, you always do." He looks at her and marvels at how she knows him better than anyone; but more importantly marvels at how much faith she has in him.
"Well only because you're going to stop me from doing it again." He says, looking her in the eyes with far more emotional availability than she's used to.
She knows he's talking in double meanings. Especially when he's moved to stand far closer than he should, looking disheveled, raw, and tempting as hell.
"I can't always be there to save you from yourself." She whispers.
"Maybe sometimes I don't want saving." He's now so close she can feel the heat from his chest and the caress of his breath against her cheek.
As though against her own free will, she slowly closes her eyes in anticipation of what's about to happen. She thinks the amount of longing she feels for him in this moment might actually kill her. She knows she should back away and put a stop to this, but that's a big ask when he's stood there bathed in defeat and looking at her like he wants to devour her.
Just as his lips begin to softly press against hers, the sound of the phone ringing out across the office interrupts them. A shrill and loud reminder of where they are and who they are to each other; boss and secretary. She quickly steps back and smooths the front of her dress while refusing to look him in the eye.
"I should get that. . ." she says while hurriedly heading out of his office and towards her desk.
"Donna!" he calls out after her retreating form, but she's already gone.
He watches her take a message and place it in a tray. He's struggling to understand what just happened even though he initiated it. He's standing there like a bewildered mess, while she effortlessly snaps back into professional mode.
The first coherent thought that manages to manifest itself in his mind, is the urge to walk up to her, lift her onto her desk, kiss her senseless, and then take her home. But when she turns and finally looks at him, all he can see in her eyes is fear; and he doesn't know how to respond to that.
He knows it's not him she's scared of. She's scared of what he's willing to offer her after they spend the night together.
She knows from the panicked look in his eyes as he stands in the doorframe of his office, that he doesn't know the answer to that question. Therefore, she's going home. Tonight will just be another thing to add to the list of things they don't speak of.
She grabs the coat and bag from her chair, and puts a cheery smile on her face before wishing him a good evening.
"Don't forget to put the glasses in the sink!" She says before heading towards the elevators.
It's two weeks later and he goes home with another girl.
When he falls asleep that night, Donna haunts him a little less around the fringes of his dreams, and that's got to be a good thing. The tiny little details are becoming blurrier and more abstract. He thinks it's progress.
He's pretty sure from her lack of reaction after he'd tried to kiss her, that this is what she wants him to do; move on.
Nonetheless, he tries to disguise anything that might give him away the next day. He carefully chooses his tie, his suit, and the time he saunters into the office. But she still notices, she's still Donna.
"How you find the time to do any legal work is beyond me!" She says sarcastically while raising a perfectly plucked eyebrow at him. Nothing gets past her.
"I'm a good multi-talker." He says playing his part.
"Or are you under-performing in both areas?" She says with a teasing smile.
"Under-performance is not a word one would associate with me."
"I think Hardman would disagree." She says pushing his buttons.
"That guy is a dick." He says with a bite.
"Speaking of Hardman, you need to get to the Coastal Motors meeting."
"Don't get distracted on your way there!" She says after him.
This time when she teases him, he thinks it feels a little less awful than the last. If they just keep practicing it will eventually sound seamless and natural. They'll both stop wondering why it bothers them so much that they aren't going home with each other.
He's already rounded the corner before her eyes fill with liquid and her nails dig into the palm of her hands to stop the tears from falling.
She hears the phone ring the other end. She thinks her mother mustn't be home. She sighs and goes to press the end call button, when she hears her mother's voice calling her name at the other end.
"Hi Mom, sorry I thought you were out."
"Donna honey, how are you?"
"I'm good . . I'm good." She says trying to sound convincing.
"Are you sure? . . Is this about dinner last month? I haven't heard from you much lately." She can hear the concern in her mother's voice.
"No, no, Eddie seemed . . .nice." She's not sure phoning her mother was such a good idea.
"I know this is a difficult situation for you Donna, but I just want to include you in the stuff that happens in my life. And me and your father . . well we've been separated a long time now, and it's time we both moved on." Her mother tries to explain.
"No, I understand." She says sadly.
"Then what is it sweetie?"
"I'm just not sure the new firm is for me." Finally blurting out what's really bothering her.
"But you and Harvey seemed to get on great, like you guys have a real rapport."
"We do. I just . . I don't see a future there. I think maybe I should go to this other job I've been offered. It's less pressure, fewer hours, and I could start auditioning again." She thinks it sounds like a long list of excuses, and she'd be surprised if her mother bought it. The Donna thing, that was inherited not god given.
"Donna, are sure everything's OK?" Her mother says with growing concern.
"Yes fine . . really. It's nothing. I'm just thinking about the future. Looking at my options."
"And you don't think that future includes that handsome boss of yours?" There it was, the truth.
"Mom, it's not like that." Donna says firmly.
"Isn't it?" Donna stays silent, it's an answer in itself.
"Hey mom, let me know when you're back in town and let's have lunch. No bosses or boyfriends next time, OK?"
"Sounds good darling. I love you." She knows she's worried her mom, but she just needed to say it out loud to someone. She needed to know if she was actually serious in what she was considering.
"Love you too mom." As the line goes dead, Donna stares down at the red liquid she's swirling round in her wine glass.
She doesn't know what to do, and that's an unfamiliar feeling.
But she's starting to think that she's way in over her head, and that if she was smart, she'd get out before it drowns her.
She still has the small piece of paper in her bag.
They'd met in a little known bar. The kind of bar that attracts arty types and intellectuals. Less stuffy people as her friend Penelope has described them.
They'd gone for a drink after seeing the latest off broadway production a friend from college was appearing in. The play had sucked but the cocktails were good, and one drink had turned into four.
She'd gotten chatting to him while waiting at the bar. He'd been first in line, and like a gentleman he'd offered to buy her drinks to save her waiting. She'd politely declined not wanting to impose and not knowing who this guy was, but nonetheless, she got a warm and fun vibe off him. When he'd handed her a bag of peanuts after hearing her mutter to herself that she was starving, she thought he seemed kind of sweet.
It turns out they had a lot in common. They both loved reading and going to slightly low brow theatre and musicals. She discovered he likes to drink pints of Guinness and liked to smoke when he'd had a drink.
She discovers he's a junior book editor and loves what he does, but loves it less when he gets back to the shoe box sized apartment he can afford.
He's good humoured, especially when she removes the cigarette from his hand and tells him that he's paying to kill himself, and that the money would be better spent saving to live somewhere bigger.
She thinks that he's a breath of fresh air. Relaxed rather than wound like a top. Care-free rather than carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. Hard-working rather than ruthlessly ambitious. Casual with a handsome looking beard, rather than wearing a thousand dollar suit with slicked back hair.
She thinks the fact he's so far removed from everything Harvey is, that he just might be the perfect antidote to the aching feeling in her stomach and her heart. So as soon as Harvey leaves for his meeting, she picks up the phone and starts to dial the number in front of her.
Mark 212 414 7365
He hadn't given a lot of thought to the shoe being on the other foot.
Sometimes she forgets that he watches her, like she watches him. He too can spot the subtle differences of how she looks and acts before a date.
He'd slept with two women in the last couple of months. He knows therefore, that the sense of betrayal he's feeling is irrational and unfair. They'd both made the choice that he shouldn't be the one taking her home at night, but he doesn't like the idea of someone else doing it either. And boy is that fucked up.
He knows he can be selfish, but he's not so selfish as to think she should dedicate her life to him, like a nun in a convent; just so that he can sleep better at night knowing some other man doesn't have his arms wrapped around her, before she heads to the office to make his professional life perfect.
But he's starting to wonder if maybe she was right all along, that if he was ever lucky enough to have her, he wouldn't want to share.
He's just as funny and kind as she remembers him. Which isn't always the case when you meet a guy at a bar after a few drinks. But he's everything he promised to be. A gentleman, generous but not flashy, and most importantly fun.
There's no baggage and no expectations. Just exchanged jokes, flirtatious glances, and stealing fries from each other's plates.
When he horrendously mis-quotes Shakespeare at her, she burst out laughing and sprays a little bit of wine on his shirt. Rather than being annoyed, he looks at her like he really likes her.
She thinks that this guy is a good guy. One of the ones you give a real chance to. He's not just got second date potential, she can see a third and a fourth.
She doesn't want to get carried away with herself, she doesn't want to go all Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction. But he's the kind of guy you can imagine your mother loving, your father tolerating, and your friends telling you is a keeper.
And so it's beyond frustrating when she finds herself comparing every details with her boss, someone who should be the furthest thing from her mind tonight. When Mark goes to the bathroom or the bar, she finds herself drifting off and remembering what Harvey's laugh sounds like or what his hands felt like kneading her thighs.
She hates that despite the great evenings she's having, it's Harvey she still wants sat opposite her. It makes her feel pathetic. But most of all, she's worried that it's a feeling that's never going to go away while he's in her life nearly every day.
She's given it time as he'd suggested, and it's not helping.
When Mark returns to the table, she knows she should want to go home with him, but she doesn't, and she knows the reason why.
The reason why, is probably out with a 23 year old model the other side of town.
The reason why, is the same reason she's getting up at 6am tomorrow morning to collect dry cleaning on the way to work.
The reason why, is the person who's professional fate is currently intertwined with her own.
The reason why, is someone that doesn't want to be with her.
"I need to speak with you." She says, looking and sounding serious.
"If this is about . . ."
"It's not." He looks at her like how could you possibly know what I was going to ask. She offers a look in return that says, come on, of course I know what you were going to say. She waits for the air around them to settle and for him to lean back in his chair. She gathers all the courage she can muster before she begins. "This isn't working Harvey."
"What isn't?" He says confused.
"Me, working here. I think it's best that I take one of the other jobs I was offered."
"Donna, if this is about the other week, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have . . " He says standing up from his chair.
"That's not it." She says calmly.
"Then what?" He says slightly louder, his anger starting to grow.
"This was never what I planned to do with my life Harvey. And I'm never going to be able to pursue that while I work here. Not with the jobs that we do, working 15 hour days."
"But we've started something together, and you agreed to that." He says it in a way that makes her think she's in the middle of a negotiation, and he's explaining her contractual obligations.
"I know, and I'm sorry to let you down. But this isn't what I want anymore."
"So that's it?" He says accusatorially.
"It doesn't have to be. We can still be in each other's lives. I care about you Harvey." She says almost desperately.
"Donna, I can't give you what you need right now. Not like that."
"I understand, and I'm not asking you to." She say, although she wonders if she may have been implying that a little. "But I think I would be better off working somewhere else."
"Where? Across the street with my competitor?" He says getting more aggressive, feeling like the situation is spiralling out of his control.
"Somewhere where there aren't assumptions and rumours, and things that we have to pretend haven't happened."
"Donna, just give it a few more weeks, and then if you still feel the same way . ." Always the negotiator, always trying to settle.
"Harvey I'm not going to change my mind." He can tell that she's deciding whether or not she should say something, and then she says it. "It's never going to be the same as it was before. It's better for both of us this way." He looks down and then up at the ceiling trying to gather his thoughts. When he looks back towards her, it's as though he's flipped a switch.
All of a sudden he's decided she's not on the inside anymore. The shutters have come down and the defences are up. Self-preservation rather than empathy has always been his go-to.
"Fine. . do what you want. You haven't been here long enough that you need to work your notice, so I'll use the interns as of tomorrow." He says dismissing her and looking back at the documents lying in front of him.
"Harvey I need you to understand that I'm so grateful to you for getting me this job. I've loved working for you, and I'm more than happy to work a notice period."
"I said it's fine. I'll let Jessica know." The conversation was clearly over as far as he was concerned.
"OK. ." She says beginning to back out of his office, knowing there is nothing further she can say or do to make things better.
Sometimes she wonders if she'd got him wrong. That her infatuation with him had blinded her to all of his faults. That it had made her ignore just how damaging his stubbornness, selfishness, and refusal to let anyone into his heart could be for those around him.
She knows he thinks she's being disloyal. She knows he can't understand why she can't just compartmentalise what they've been, in order to reshape who they need to be in the future. But she doesn't think she can dedicate her career to sitting outside the office of a man she thinks she might be falling in love with, while abandoning her own dreams in the process.
"Goodnight Harvey." She whispers.
"Goodnight Donna." He mutters not even bothering to look up as she leaves. When he knows she's out of sight. He finally looks up from the page he's not even reading.
He turns around to look out the window as tears fill his eyes.
He thinks he could have offered her what she was really asking for, that maybe they could try and see where it goes. Maybe he should have offered to better accommodate her desire to audition and support her career dreams and goals. But it's easier to feel abandoned and let down, than to put his heart on the line.
When it starts to dawn on him that she may not be at her desk tomorrow, his head and his heart fill with dread.
So he closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and tells himself she'll be back. That it's just another one of their fights.
He gets in early the next morning, convinced that she's coming back. He's even brought her an apology coffee.
He tries to persuade his erratically beating heart, that their fight last night was just another moment in which he overreacts and acts like and ass, and where she uses her limitless supply of pragmatism, patience and forgiveness to sweep it under the carpet.
But as 8am turns to 9, and 9 turns into 10, he realises that she's not coming into work. In fact she's not coming back at all.
And in that moment, she becomes another person in a long list of people he's trusted, that have eventually let him down.
7 Years Later
"And finally, I'd like to announce that we're getting a new COO." The Managing Partner announces to the room.
"Why is this the first time we're hearing about this?" Harvey demands while looking around at the other Senior Partners.
"What part of what I just said, sounded like I was asking for your permission Harvey?" Harvey glares back at him. "We've decided to bring in a firm manager. Someone that will help keep things running smoothy. There's been a lot of changes lately, and we need someone to oversee their implementation. This is something I don't have time for, much like your complaining." The Managing Partner says while staring him down.
"You'll meet her now, she's waiting in conference room B. She's come from Zane, Rand & Kaldor. In fact . . Harvey, Jessica and Louis already know her." Harvey and Louis exchange confused glances across the table. "Donna Paulsen will be joining Darby, Hardman & Scott as of today. So off you all trot to welcome her. She'll explain some of the new structures that are being put in place." Darby notices a look of shock cross Harvey's face, before the shock morphs into confusion, and then finally into anger.
"Edward, is this not something you think you should have discussed with me first?" Harvey demands.
"Harvey, unless you've forgotten, I'm Managing Partner, not you. I decide what we discuss."
"She used to be my assistant." When he finally looks across the room at Scottie, she's eyeing him curiously. He knows the more worked up he gets, the more questions he'll have to answer later. He can literally see her trying to work out what the story is with this woman everyone seems to know but her, and which her boyfriend hasn't mentioned once.
"Yes, and this time she won't be working for you. She'll be working for me. So I really can't see what this has got to do with you."
"The issue is, I don't like being blind-sided, and even though your name might be up on that wall, you're new here, and this isn't how we do things." Jessica throws him a look that says, boy shut up and don't push it. Even though she's busy licking her own wounds, she's still looking out for him.
The prospect of Donna working at the firm again has knocked him for six, and there's only one way he knows how to react when that happens; he lashes out.
"Harvey, I don't need you telling me how to run my firm. I have enough people trying to do that already." He sends a withering look in the direction of Jessica. "Now I suggest you go to that meeting, so that we can all get on with doing our actual jobs."
With his heart beating out of his chest, walking down the corridor with his colleagues and his girlfriend by his side, he braces himself to see a woman that he's spent years trying to forget.
To be continued . . . . .