It was a rare sight, even for Nile, who had not known them for long. But Nicolo, a lost baby kitten, alone and probably cold, instead of fierce momma cat out for a kill, never happened before and hopefully wouldn't ever again. Even she could barely stay in bed, not to speak of sleep, with the picture etched into her memory.
Nicolo alone, curled into a ball on the couch, taking up as little space as possible, as if he tried to disappear completely. If you could sleep on that, you were probably dead. Nile wasn't, but neither was Andy. Before Nile could make up her mind, she rose, waved at the baby immortal and went to take care of it. Nile stayed, alone with her thoughts.
She still didn't know, how it had really happened, only that Joe had left in a sudden and almost violent burst of rage. And him, stopping only short of hitting or shoving Nicky away, was another moment hard to forget, although Nile tried very hard indeed.
Sighing she got up, she couldn't sleep anyways, so she planned to sneak away for a run. But once she passed by the living room door, Nicky called her out. He was sitting back to back with Andy, a little too slouched still to be his usual self, his eyes in the darkness pools of moonlit water. "Please stay. We shouldn't be alone out there right now." Sure... the whole Merrick thing had really got them shaken. "But what about Joe?" A long silence drowned the room, before Nicky could finally find words, carefully weighing each of them. "Because of Joe. I am not sure, he would recognise you right now" Andy lifted a hand and touched Nicky's arm comfortingly. Their hands met in a small yet familiar squeeze. Slowly Nile strolled into the room, afraid to trespass. But they didn't seem to mind. Nicky padded the couch beside him, finally slipping back into his role as their good spirit. "Don't worry, he will be alright, he just needs time." Nile sat down, but couldn't help and wonder, would Nicky be?
)
Joe restlessly worked with his scimitar, completed the same serious of basic fighting moves over and over, although he didn't just know them by heart, but by bone and blood and soul. In his mind, he killed the same people over and over. Merrick, Dr. Kozak, Copley... And Booker. Sometimes Booker. Nicky had asked him for forgiveness on his behalf, but he just couldn't.
Just now, when he looked at Nicky, he could still see him, on the metal plate, where Dr. Kozak cut into him, again and again, oblivious to the pain, she caused. Could see him lying on the ground, his eyes staring lifelessly, seconds stretching to eternities before him, as he waited for the chocked gasp of life's return. He just couldn't take it. The bitterness almost killed him, but he couldn't stand Nicky's presence, couldn't watch him die and suffer again and again behind his eyes.
He could feel it in his fingertips, his body, his soul, he longed for the touch of his beloved, but one look at this all too familiar body would wake the nightmarish memories all over again. And worse even to see once more the hurt in his lovers eyes, when he flinched, backing away instead of embracing their love. He knew full well, Nicky needed him. Desperately. He, Joe should be there, touching, caressing, kissing away any memories of the past days. Nicky deserved nothing less. And still Joe couldn't bring himself to do just that. So he fought on and on and on, knowing full well, the person, he was most angry of, was himself. It was Cambodia all over again, only worse, because this time he had had to watch, nothing had been left to imagination, nothing could be covered by blissful ignorance. Then it had taken him two weeks to come to terms with himself, to be able to go back, mending Nicky's broken heart, nursing his hurt and suffering soul back to health. He had promised, sworn to himself it wouldn't happen again, ever. And yet, he felt coming short of his own expectations. Again.
Nicky would understand, would love him no less, would be the safe haven, Joe should be for him. And that was almost worse, making him even more childish and selfish.
)
In the early hours before sunrise, when Nile finally fell asleep next to them, Nicky and Andy talked. She suggested, she would get Joe, but he disagreed. Joe wouldn't hurt Andy, but he wanted him to come back on his own terms. He could feel Andy's quietly reassuring presence, when she shook her head in frustration. "Really?," she reminded him, in a low, but irritated tone. "Do you remember, how long it took last time? And what we went through with you, until you recovered?" He shrugged and whispered back: "I am stronger now. And after all this complications with Book..." This wasn't the best move. It still hurt too much, both of them. A silent sigh escaped from him, from this additional jolt of pain. "Sorry, Andy, shouldn't have mentioned him." Now, Andy shrugged and leaned back a bit, until their heads touched. "Sort it out, Nicky, I know, you can. Don't put her through the same shit, ok?" She rose, turned around and pulled him up into a hug. He could feel her giving him as much reassurance as she could, before she sent him on his way. And when they parted, he left his hand linger just a little longer on her shoulder, before he turned to seek out Joe.
)
Nicky had been in a bad shape, when they found him, after nearly three months. Bearing the marks of more deaths than Joe dared to imagine. He had died from hunger, thirst, exposure, from beatings, shots, torture. He had been burned with napalm, right before they found him. Joe didn't dare touch him back then, to spare him the pain and then it went on and on. It got more awkward the longer it went. Joe just couldn't find his way back. When he finally did, it was a bliss, and Booker and Andy gave him shit for years, and rightly so, but the hurt he caused, the trauma, he went through and couldn't just shed, they stirred now, raising their heads like a hydra, back for another fight.
The longer Joe fought the shadows of the past, the more unpleasant memories arrived. Nicky lying dead with gunshots, a slit throat, crying in pain from burns, bone tired and with a dead stare. Nicky, tied up and beaten, Nicky dead. Nicky dead.
His beloved in pain and despair, Joe unable to help.
The pattern of Joe's attacks changed, favouring a more aggressive, careless style. The faces he chased changed too. Merrick stayed of course, and Kozak. But they were accompanied by older demons, until he finally faced himself again and again. Hadn't he killed Nicky, even, when he finally knew, he loved him? Hadn't he put him in danger and pain?
Killing himself in his mind proofed as ineffective as in reality though, as it only tired him, without easing the pain, without granting blissful forgetfulness. He would need to go on, until exhaustion settled in and the tiredness of his body overpowered his restless mind. Attack, attack, retreat, upper left, lower right, block, overhead strike.
The actual sound of metal meeting metal startled him, disrupted his rhythm and made him stumble. The blade of his scimitar glided softly along another sword and got caught at the handle. Pure instinct made him change his grip, freeing his weapon to force it into another attack. Again his blow was intercepted. He kept attacking, his mind going comfortably numb. Now, only that sound mattered, metallic clicking, like an elaborate song. He started breathing faster, caught in the familiar sensation of battle, when suddenly it stopped. It took all his reflexes, all his concentration, not to finish the last motion, a wide upper strike, meant to behead the opponent.
Waking from a bad dream, he looked along the length of his blade, its tip mere millimetres from the skin of Nicky's neck. His hands started shivering, so heavily, he lost his grip. The scimitar scattered to the ground, falling right between them. "How could you do that!", he screamed in sudden horror, harshly contrasting Nicky's calm face.
"I have faith", his lover whispered, smiling barely noticeable. Joe wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to shake this smile out of him. But instead he pulled him close, burried his face in Nicky's chest, desperately inhaled his smell. He still couldn't look at him, couldn't meet the gaze of those incredible sea green eyes, but this touch felt like coming home.
He could feel hands, roaming gently up and down his back and finally settling on his shoulder and the back of his head, idly playing with his curls. He cold feel lips, resting on his brow, whispering endearments too softly spoken for even him to hear. He could feel a heart beating in sync with his own, warm and full of life. "Forget about the past", he sighed, all to himself, closed his eyes and turned his head, just enough to find Nicky's mouth, not so much kissing, but drinking the breath from his lips.
"I am here, Yussuf, and I always will be." Joe could only nod in silent agreement, worshipping Nicky's presence. Reluctantly he raised his hands in search for his lover's. When they found each other, they stood in silence for a long time, before they finally returned to the house.