This Delicate Thing We've Made

genre: Romance

rated: M

Chapter 7: The Only One

"When the colors all collide inside, well, I can barely hide
You are the only one
No one can keep me from the danger I possess
You keep me stronger
You are the only one
And now I love you even more
There is no other
No one else I place above you
You are the only one"

"Barry Allen, where the hell have you been?"

Barry knew he was in trouble. He'd heard those words in that tone before, that 'I've been worried sick' or 'you have so much explaining to do' countless times in his life. The first time he'd run away from Joe's house he heard it from an eleven year old Iris who stood at the top of the stairs in her pj's, hands on her hips; the day after Simon Stagg was given the Man of the Year award when Barry had failed to show up the night before at Jitters to help Iris with her article, her having no clue yet that he was the Streak. He hated making her worry, hated to disappoint her even more, but today as he barely got one foot in the door of the loft they still shared, he heard her voice in that tone and knew worry and disappointment were taking a back seat to annoyance.

It was Sunday and he was not expecting to run into Iris, ex-wife and best friend who he was currently still sharing a loft with. Iris had kept the large bedroom upstairs and Barry crashing on a cot in the office off the main living room. It wasn't an ideal setup but it was actually turning out be the perfect transition for them. They had become so used to coexisting and with still six months left on the lease of the loft, they planned on getting their separate spaces then. So they were roommates, still sharing most of the living spaces but creating at least a few boundaries in their still-entwined lives as they tried to move on.

Iris had been busy working on the Citizen and Barry spending so much time with Len that the two of them hadn't spent much time together, seeing each other in those few sporadic moments when he was coming home from CCPD and she was on her way out the door to meet with contacts to help her taker he paper to the next level. But on Sundays, Iris allowed herself to sleep in before heading to an afternoon yoga class. After spending a few hours in bed with Len, he flashed home to the loft with the plan to shower and change before heading to S.T.A.R. Labs. Barry had hoped he had timed it so that he'd be back in the loft before she came down around ten a.m. as if he'd come in last night after she'd gone to bed. He did not expect to zip in and see her sitting at the head of the long dining table, arms crossed over her chest with a look he knew from experience, a look she just so happened to have inherited from her father.

"Hey, Iris!" he said, a little too enthusiastically, casually strolling over to the table with an awkward wave.

"Do not 'hey Iris' me, Bartholomew," she glared, pointing a finger at him and then pointing at the chair to the left of her. "Sit."

Barry complied with a sigh, sitting in the chair and laying his arms across the table surface, hands clasped in a nervous fist.

"You didn't come home last night, or the night before," Iris said, her tone conversational but Barry knew better than to be lured into a false sense of security at the faux calmness. "I stopped by S.T.A.R. Labs before coming home, thinking you were overworking yourself with Flash stuff. I thought I'd surprise you with some dinner since you've been so busy these last few weeks that I've barely seen you and low and behold, Cisco informs me you haven't been spending your spare time there."

"Iris-"

"So if you're not at the Labs, not in uniform, and not at the loft," Iris interrupted his interruption, "just where are you spending all your free time?"

"It's nothing," Barry sighed, trying not to meet her eyes.

"We promised each other that if we were going to make this friendship work post-marriage, we were going to be honest with each other," Iris replied, voice now suddenly void of anger as she reached a hand out to cover Barry's two tightly clasped ones on the tabletop. "Talk to me, Barr."

He knew she was right. But how do you tell someone about something you're not even sure how to describe? Even more so, how do you tell your ex-partner that you've moved on? Nothing about his new relationship could be defined simply, but they had discussed the terms partner or boyfriend so maybe he was overthinking it all.

"I've met someone," Barry finally revealed, looking up at Iris' expecting eyes.

"Barry that's great! Who is she?" Iris asked. When Barry didn't answer right away, Iris narrowed her eyes. "Or he?"

Barry sighed again, dropping his head as he tried to find the words.

"Uh oh, it's a he," Iris said, pulling away as she leaned back into the chair. "Not uh-oh its a guy, that's not what I mean."

"I know, Iris," Barry nodded, his voice conveying gratitude rather than grief. When he came out to her when he was fourteen she not only helped him research the LGBT community, she also immediately started the gay-straight alliance in their high school and helped him come out to Joe and Henry. He knew her apprehension had nothing to do with him being into men but about the type of man he was into; he knew exactly where this conversation was going because they'd had it a couple of times before.

"Ok good, so don't take this the wrong way, but you know you have two types" Iris explained, lifting her hands as if they were balancing scales to convey her point, "nice girls and bad boys."

"I do not have types," Barry scoffed, his turn to cross his arms over his chest as he glared at Iris.

"You most certainly do!" Iris laughed, ticking off her fingers as she spoke. "Patty, Linda, me of course, the nicest of them all. And I know you had a little thing for Felicity."

"What about Becky Cooper?" Barry teased, laughing at the instant eye roll that he got in response.

"There's an exception to every rule," Iris scowled, not giving his attempt to derail her point more attention than that. "Now there was Kyle who was in that band in high school that couldn't bother coming to class half the time. Then there were those two guys you met while at CCU, Jake on the hockey team that spent more time in the penalty box then on the ice and Hal that would flirt with anything with a pulse that you met at that bar. Hell, I think if Oliver Queen wasn't dripping with heterosexuality you'd've gone after him."

"Fine!" Barry threw up his hands, standing from the chair and pacing the length of the table. "You're right. The guy I'm seeing is a total bad boy. I mean, not really anymore but still, when he was bad, he was really bad. But he's good too and I don't know what this is Iris, but I like being with him. And it's totally crazy, I shouldn't even have considered this more or less be spending as much time with him as I have. This is so going to blow up in my face but I don't even care-"

"Barry!" Iris said, getting up from the table to stop Barry as he spiraled, grabbing his arms in a tight but grounding grip. "Calm down."

Barry took a deep breath, thankful that Iris had stopped him when she did because he was probably just a sentence away from revealing who he was talking about. But then Iris spoke and then his stomach dropped to his toes.

"Geeze, Barry, if I didn't know any better I'd think you were talking about Leonard Snart," Iris laughed. When Barry's eyes widened, Iris gasped, dropping the hands holding his arms. "Oh my god. Are you serious? How long?"

"Right after the incident at the bank," Barry winced, shrugging at his friend.

"That was two months ago! Oh my god, Dad is gonna have a canary," Iris sighed, stepping back to lean against the table at the news. "On the plus side, Cisco owes me twenty bucks from a bet we made years ago."

"Iris you can't say anything," Barry pleaded, lifting both hands to rest at the base of his neck. "Please, I just don't want everyone to know yet. Not until I figure this all out."

"My lips are sealed," Iris insisted, watching the tension in his body relax slightly. "You said figure it out. What's to figure out?"

"I like him, a lot. Which is completely insane considering who he is and who I am but I don't know Iris," Barry started pacing again, not in anxiety but in analysis, like somehow with every step he could unravel his thoughts. "But it's like none of it matters, ya know? I mean it started as just two guys who are into each other but it's evolved way past that. We cook together, we veg out on the couch with take-out watching movies. We argue, we laugh, we talk about everything from important stuff to some really insignificant things. And the best part it is we just accept who the other is. No masks, no asking each other to be something we're not and just living with the consequences of our pasts. We can just be."

He turned to her then and she smiled. With each word, each truth he revealed to her she could see not only the weight lift off his shoulders but an actual lightness radiate from him as he spoke about someone he obviously cared about deeply. And he was the one she was worried about moving on after their divorce. Iris was taking a much-needed break, focusing on herself and her paper, and was feeling for the first time in a long time like she had her own journey. But Barry had been in love with her their whole lives and she'd been terrified that he'd close himself off to finding love again. If her timeline was correct, they'd tried for four months before getting divorced and after two months being separated, Barry then became involved with Snart. She knew he wasn't a rebound, Barry wasn't the type, so whatever this was, it had to be the real deal for Barry to be so flustered about his feelings, for him to be willing to give something new a try.

"Why are you smiling?" His question interrupted her fond musing. He was wringing his hands in front of him, biting the inside of his cheek. He was nervous, waiting for her to say something, to pass the judgment he felt he deserved, to condemn him because for some reason he thought he was doing something wrong by being happy with this man. "Why are you so calm about this?"

"Please, I saw the way you pressed him against the fireplace at Christmas," Iris teased. "I mean seriously Barry, once he stopped trying to kill you it was nothing but flirting while you were fighting. The only thing missing was him pulling on your pigtails on the playground."

"Iris!" Barry groaned, covering his eyes with his hands, Iris trying not to laugh as she saw the blush spread across his cheeks.

"Besides, isn't it like an unwritten rule that heroes are supposed to have sexual tension with their not-so-bad guys? We know Oliver's definitely slept with probably half of his villainesses. And I've heard rumors about the Batman in Gotham with that cat burglar. And according to Sara-"

"Please stop," Barry groaned again, hands moving from his face to interlock behind his head, leaning it back, praying to the sky for a lighting bolt to suddenly appear and put him out of his misery.

"Seriously, Barr, did you think I'd be mad?" Iris giggled, crossing her arms over her chest. She watched him for a moment before sighing, sobering up her playful tone. "Things are different. They're not black and white anymore, we've lived in too much gray area these past five years. A lot has changed since he first stole the cold gun. That was before you'd saved the world half a dozen times, before I was a journalist, before Caitlin and Cisco developed their powers, and before he teamed up with our friends on a time saving mission. Time has changed us all, it stands to reason that it's changed him too."

Barry sighed, dropping his hands to his sides, the sudden relief he felt just from having the most important person in his life know about what was going on and understanding.

"Thanks, Iris."

She looked him up and down, deep in thought before she sighed and moved to hug her friend.

"I'm always here for you, Barr," Iris said, feeling him relax in her arms at her words. When she pulled away only far enough to keep him at arm's length, she reached her hands to cup the sides of the neck, forcing her to look at him. "You're my best friend, that will never change no matter what else does. I'd still dive off a building for you."

"I know you would," Barry chuckled before biting his lip. "You sure you're okay with this? I mean not the fact that it's Snart, but-"

"The fact that you're moving on?" Iris finished quietly, looking up at him with a small smile. When he nodded, face a vision of uncertainty, she answered as honestly as she could. "Barry, that's all I want for you. Between your parents and then Nora, you've lost so much."

"We both have," Barry whispered, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers. She nodded against him as she closed her eyes, swallowing down her rising emotions. She loved this man more than anything, and some days she longed to be in love with him again. But after losing their child, a child they didn't even get a real shot at building a family around, they'd lost that 'in love' feeling between them. She knew this was better for them individually as well as together. They could move on with their lives without the weight of the past, without the weight of the future. And holding him now as he asked for her guidance like he always had, it brought her comfort to know that no matter how much things had changed and changed again, some things never would.

"Yes, we have. But, Barry, no one has given more than you have," she said, pulling away to look up at him, smiling sadly. They all had felt loss. But Barry had lost more than most, felt the weight of each death in his life as if it was by his own hand. He felt responsible for his mother's, his father's, for Eddie and Ronnie, even for Nora. And she knew he felt the loss of Snart when he'd found out from Ray, how after the Dominator debacle was over he confided in her his grief, his regret for not getting to see Leonard in action as the hero he always saw behind the ice-cold villain, and the remorse that he felt that he had somehow pushed Snart in the direction that led to his death. But with all those losses, especially the feeling so fresh after Nora, to have someone return, to come back into his life after losing so many, Iris could only imagine what that was doing for Barry's heart, what the win meant for him.

"All I want for you is to be happy and be with someone who brings you peace," she smiled up at him.

"I want that for you too. No matter what happens, you're my best friend, Iris. I'll always love you," he assured her. He paused for a moment closing his eyes as he spoke. She could see him trying to maintain his composure, breathing slowly through his nose, eyelids trying to lock in tears, clenched jaw in an attempt to halt the quiver.

"Barr?" Iris asked quietly, thumb on her left hand, the hand that once adorned an engagement ring and wedding band, gently stroking his cheek trying to coax him to open up, to tell her what was on his mind.

"My whole life, everyone I've ever considered sharing my life with, I compared them to you. I've only ever known how to be in love with you, Iris. Even when I tried to be with other people, you were always the gold standard, how did they stack up to you," he whispered, eyes still tightly closed. "After us, honestly, Iris, I never thought I'd ever...could ever, love anyone else."

It broke her heart to hear him say that. Their breakup had been mutual, and although they knew nothing could compare to their connection, Iris was confident that they'd each discover a path right for them to move forward. She had hoped Barry felt that same way, that the universe would take care of them. With Leonard coming back now, after all this time, after everything they'd been through, Iris knew this wasn't a coincidence. Not with their lives.

"Barry Allen, you have the greatest capacity to love I've ever known. I'm glad you're allowing yourself a second chance, and with someone who you clearly have a deep connection with," she responded quietly, staring into his eyes when he finally opened them, seeing them begin to well with tears. She held his gaze so he knew she meant what she said. "Do you find yourself comparing Leonard to me?"

He shook his head gently and she smiled up at him.

"When you're with him, at any time are you thinking about me, about us?"

"No," Barry chuckled softly, blushing slightly.

"You said you've been in love with me your whole life but here we are, past that. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Maybe this is your next life, Barry. Think about all that had to happen to get you to this point, for him to come back into your life now. Don't feel guilty for finding someone, for living your life. Take this as a win," Iris tilted his head down to press a kiss gently against his forehead.

As she pulled away, gently unfolding herself from around him, she saw his eyes shine with gratitude, with contentment, and she knew he'd been holding this in his heart, just waiting for her to set him free.

"Are you certain you're safe with him?" She asked him sincerely, holding him at arm's length, holding his gaze so she could look for a lie, a hesitation.

"Yes," he nodded, confident.

"And he's good to you?"

"Yeah," he nodded again, a pull at his lips with the softest of smiles.

"And you're happy?" She asked, tilting her head to the side. When he couldn't stop the smile at that question it gave Iris the answer before the words left his mouth.

"I am," he nodded again, eyes confirming his words. Iris dropped her hands then from his arms, crossing hers over her chest once again.

"Okay," she nodded now. "That's what I needed to know."

"Thank you for understanding. I don't know what I'd do without you," Barry leaned in to kiss her affectionately on the cheek.

"I told you I was the nicest," she smirked at him. "Now you have to tell me everything."