Chapter 42

"The moment you have in your heart this extraordinary thing called love and feel the depth, the delight, the ecstasy of it, you will discover that for you the world is transformed."- Jiddu Krisnhnamurti.

"Then what are the nightmares about? Let me rephrase that. Who's getting shot in your nightmares?" Kim asks carefully.

"Alex. The nightmares goes about Alex being shot." Oliver says softly, almost whispers.

"It happens Detective that you dream about your partner getting shot. Especially when you are as close as the two of you are. When you are together for a long time you can dream about what is your biggest fear. In your case that would be Alex getting shot. So it's possible that instead of Detective Rizzoli getting shot in your nightmares Alex gets shot." Kim answers softly.

"No Kim. Alex... Alex was shot." Oliver says softly.

"When was she shot, Oliver? Did you have nightmares about it before?" Kim asks a bit shocked.

"About 7 seven years ago. She was shot when I was next to her. I should have protected her. But I didn't. Because I failed Alex was shot and almost bled to death on the pavement while I was trying to stop the bleeding. But I couldn't even do that. For two days I thought she was dead. But she survived the shooting and went into Witsec. Because of me she lost everything including her own life. She keeps telling me that it wasn't my fault but that's not true. And that's certainly not how I see it. I never got rid of the nightmares about her shooting but I could deal with them. I didn't have them every night anymore. Now with everything that happened, Barbara, my former partner at work and the shooting, they came back and they are just as bad as they were when it just happened. At first the nightmares were about being... raped. But after I got hit in my stomach in the squad room by that asshole, the nightmares started to change into Alex shooting again. And after the shooting it's just like 7 seven years ago. Only then nobody knew about the nightmares, I lived alone and I never really talked about what it really meant for me. Besides my former partner and I weren't allowed to talk about Alex being in Witsec. Alex and I were really close back then but we didn't have a romantic relationship. Close to that, perhaps, but neither of us knew what the other felt. Not really. We only got together recently. Apparently everyone around us knew what we felt for each other except the two of us." Oliver explains.

Kim was really surprised to hear what Oliver said. She thought that Oliver and Alex had been together for a long time. To hear that they only got together recently was quite the surprise. She could see though that the connection the two have is something that exists longer, much longer. It also explains why Oliver is having nightmares about her shooting. And the Dr. has a feeling that Oliver is still afraid of losing the blonde attorney.

"Thank you for opening up to me, Detective. I know it is very difficult for you to do. There are a few things we need to talk about. First I l'd like for you to tell what happened with Alex's shooting, from an objective POV, not how you feel about. We'll talk about that in another session. Secondly, I think I know why you have your nightmares about Alex's shooting and not your own. And the third and last point is that I have a feeling that you are afraid of losing Alex, even though she's going to marry you, and you have the feeling you're not worth it to have her as your fiancé and soon to be wife. Let's start with the first point. You don't have to tell me the whole case it was about, just the reason why Alex was shot and how things happened from the point just before she was shot. Can you do that for me?" Kim asks.

"You're right, normally I don't open up at people so soon. Most of the time not at all. I'm a very private person and I'm used to deal with things myself. That's all I had for most of my life, just me. Alex was the first person in my life I really opened up too. And she's the one person I trust the most. There are a few friends who know more about me too. Jane, Detective Rizzoli, and I are pretty similar so it's easier to talk to her too. And I have to admit that you are right about the other points you mentioned. It's not that I don't want to tell you what happened with Alex's shooting, it's just that I'm afraid of getting a flashback and Alex is not here. I don't doubt your abilities and I don't want to offend you, but I don't think you can get me out of it and I'm afraid that if you try and come to close I hit you too. It happened with Abby, a good friend of Alex and I, and I don't want that happens again." Oliver answers.

"I'm not offended, Detective. I understand where you're coming from. In fact I get it perfectly. So we do it differently. We're not talking about the shooting itself now, instead I want you to write it down. If it's alright with you I would like to plan an extra session this week, just once, for Saturday and we'll talk about it then. This is an important part for your recovery and I'd like to work on it as soon as possible. It will help you with your nightmares. So can you agree with this?" Kim asks.

"Yes, it's alright with me. We do have to asks Alex if she's alright with it. The extra session on Saturday I mean." Oliver answers.

"Of course. Now let's continue. We don't have a long session today and I'd like to discus the second and third point too and to give you some specific assignments for you to do. My second point is about why you have nightmares about Alex's shooting instead of your own shooting. Now you told me that Alex and you got together recently. And yet two of you are going to marry soon. You also said that the two of you were close before Alex got shot. And I can see that even though the two of you have not been together long, the connection between you is strong. To be honest I've never seen such a strong bond between two people as the two of you have. Were the two of you close again after Alex came back from Witsec?" Kim asks.

Oliver takes a breath when he thinks of the time after Alex was released from Witsec and how he saw Alex again for the first time. Three years later. He shakes his head and Kim can see the pain in the Detective's eyes for a split second before Oliver slipped on his mask again.

"I hadn't seen Alex for three years after she was released from Witsec. She just showed up at a crime scene one day. But I don't want to talk about that. It took us some time to get along again like we did before. It took me a long time to trust her again and for Alex to work hard to regain that trust. But we were there again before we had the undercover op and my accident. What surprised the people around the most is the fact that we're gonna get married. So soon. They never thought I would be tamed let alone so soon. Nobody was surprised we got together. And you're right about the connection between us. Even the years we were separated we couldn't get each other out of our heads. We never stopped caring about each other, loving each other. Alex is the first person who got a second chance to get back into my life, behind the walls. The night I thought she died, I died too inside of me. In fact if I hadn't seen her two days later I would have quit my job. Something I never thought I would ever do. But at the time I didn't felt like I could continue. Not without her. Nobody knows it, not even Alex herself." Oliver answers.

Kim smiles about Oliver's answer because it made it very clear that even though they didn't know it they loved each other for a very long time and that was the reason for Oliver's nightmares. The love he has for Alex and the connection he has with her. And the fear of losing her again, whether it be due to their jobs or that she would leave him. Not that the Dr. sees that happening ever but it is on Oliver's mind and that's what counts.

"Your answer shows the answer on my second and third point, Detective. Let me ask you something, how long did it take after the two of you met for the first time before you got romantic feelings for Alex?" Kim asks.

"She took my breath away the moment we met. But it was about two months later that I fell in love with her and I fell in love hard. The day we're gonna get marry is the date of the first time we went out together after work for a drink. Although it turned out that it felt like a date for the both of us. But that is something we know just since a couple of days, when we chose the date we're going get married. That drink was the 3rd of November 2000." Oliver smiles.

"Let me get this straight. You've been in love with Alex for over a decade? How long is she in love with you?" Kim asks surprised.

"The same time sort of." Oliver answers sheepishly.

"Now I get the part about why nobody was surprised to hear that the two of you are together. And why I thought you were together much longer than you truly are. The reason why you have the nightmares about Alex's shooting is because you two love each other for such a long time. The connection between the two of is there for over a decade. And you never got over her shooting. You never talked about it, got therapy for it to deal with it. That's one of the main reasons you have these nightmares, Oliver. The other one is that you're afraid, scared to lose her. Lose her again I should say. You have a strong mental connection with Alex, but, for obvious reasons, you don't have a strong physical connection. I'll come back on that later as for why that is important.

You are afraid that you'll lose her on the job, not able to protect her, or that she leaves you. That at some point she can't deal with your transition, with you becoming a male physically and leave you. That she can't deal with your past and leave you. I don't know what that past is but it's what makes you feel less worthy to her and makes you believe that she will leave you. No matter what she'll say, you will have that fear. Yes she can reassure you but it keeps coming back. Your shooting and being raped makes that feeling so much stronger. And it's understandable. It's normal even. But it works against you. I think that Ms. Miles and I need to work together on this to help you deal with everything. Help Alex too as well your relationship together. Because Alex needs therapy to deal with your shooting too. You've been in a coma for two months, that wasn't easy for her. And then there's the fact that the both of you want to stay strong for the other, but that's something that's not possible. You need to allow yourself to be vulnerable and if that means break down every once in a while than that's what need to happen. But I'm convinced that we can get your nightmares to get a lot less than they are coming now. Maybe even stop them. It's not going to be easy, for neither one of you. But I think that you both are strong enough to survive it and get over it, give it a place.

Back to the physical connection. Have you and Alex been intimate on some level? Like kissing or making out? I know anything else is far away from happening now. I just want to know if there is some kind of physical connection at all. That includes hugging or cuddling too. Did you do anything like this with Alex?" Kim asks.

Oliver gets a bit nervous and blushes. He's not used to talk about these kind of things on a personal level.

"Well, we uh.. didn't make love. I'm not ready for that and Alex understands that. She said we go at my pace. But we kissed a few times, just briefly on the mouth. And we sleep together and I lay down with my head on her shoulder. She snuggled up against me once, well actually she lied half on top of me, but that was before we got together. Other then that we cuddled for the first time this afternoon. Alex was leaning against the arm of the couch and I was leaning against Alex with her arms around me and we were holding hands. And.. uhm.. we kissed, like really kissed, once but.. uhm.. we.. got interrupted. That's it. Not much I know." Oliver answers shyly.

"You got interrupted?" Kim asks, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes. We were in the hospital and it that morning the breathing tube had been removed. For the first time I felt like wanting to really kiss Alex without freaking out thinking about some kind of intimacy. So we kissed, passionately, for the first time and fail to notice the knock on the door. Two of our friends came inside to visit us. Needless to say that the kiss stopped when they were inside the room." Oliver answers.

"Yes I can see why that stopped the two of you." Kim smiles.

"Alright. So the two of you have made a few steps in the process of getting a physical connection. Here's what I want you to do. As your homework assignment. I want you to choose three words, like a traffic light, green is alright, orange is things are not alright but not bad either and red means stop immediately at that moment. You don't have to do that now, you can do it later together. I want you to talk about it with Alex, explain her what each word means. I want you to try to cuddle or kiss or something like holding hands, once a day with Alex. You decide how long or what the two of you will do. You decide how you going to do it. You are in control. Now the best time to try out something is when you are comfortable. As relaxed as you can be under the given circumstances. What's important is that you stay in the green light from the traffic light. Try to prevent you jump to the orange light and certainly the red light. Listen to yourself. How you are feeling, how your body feels or how Alex's touching you feels. That can help you to prevent that you go from the green light to the red light. Do you understand what I ask from you to do?" Kim asks.

"Yes I do. But what if I jump to the red light, what do I do then? What do I need to do, do we need to do?" Oliver asks softly.

"Don't worry if it happens, there are always times that everything is alright and suddenly they aren't right anymore. Just stop with what you are doing and try to calm down again. If it's possible talk with Alex about what happened. That's important for you but also for her. She needs to know what the 'no go area' is for now, that line will move with time passing by and you getting more comfortable with being intimate. The level will change. Now this will take time and you can fall back every once in a while, but don't let that discourage you. That sort of things happens during the process. Starting on a low level will help you getting connected physically. Sometimes words can not give you the reassurance you need, sometimes you need to feel it. Feel it physically. That will help you to trust each other completely and unconditionally. That will help to get the fear of losing her or Alex leaving, go away for the biggest part. It also will help you with the nightmares. When you are less afraid and trust more that she'll stay and that you won't lose her, in combination with therapy to deal with what happened to you and to her, the nightmares won't be there so frequently and less bad than they are now. I want you to keep a diary. And to write in it every day about how your assignment went. You also write down when you didn't do the assignment and for what reason. Like if you're having a really bad day and you don't feel up to doing it, I want you to write it that down and why. It will help you to find out what will trigger you and what not, once you find out what the triggers are we can work on that. We will discus your diary once a week. Now do you have any questions? About your homework or something else we discussed so far?" Kim asks.

"Does Alex read that diary?" Oliver asks.

"That's up to you. If you don't feel comfortable with Alex reading it, you don't have to let her read it. It can stay between the two of us. Everything we discuss will stay between us. The only exception will be when you decided you want to talk about it with Alex or someone else. For me, I won't talk about it with anyone without your permission. But you know how that works since you're a Detective." Kim answers.

"Can I do it with Alex together or do I need to do it alone? Or with Alex and only when I don't feel comfortable do it alone?" Oliver asks.

"What do you want yourself? Do you want to do it together with Alex or do you want to do it all by yourself? You need to do what works the best for you." Kim asks.

Oliver thinks about this for a minute. He thinks about what he wants and how all the options feel for him before he makes a decision.

"This is about trusting her. I do trust Alex. I trust her with my emotions and feelings. So I think I want to do it together with Alex. Open up to her instead of hiding away. I made a promise to Alex. I promised her that I would try not to take a run or push her away, shut her out. And I think this might be a good opportunity to practice with that." Oliver answers.

"That's good thinking, Detective. I agree with you. Any other questions before we end this session?" Kim asks.

"Not that I can think of at this moment." Oliver answers.

"Alright, let's wrap it up then. For your homework, you have two assignments. Writing down Alex's shooting, which we will discuss Saturday if it's alright with Alex. And the other one is choosing three words, like the traffic light example, and try every day to connect with Alex on a physical level. Write about it every day in your diary together with Alex. Remember you make the decisions, you're in control. I'm proud of you, Oliver. You did it really good this session. It's a great start actually." Kim says.

"Well don't expect me to be like this every sessions. I'm not as easy as you might think." Oliver says, hiding behind sarcasm.

"Oh I know that. I'm married to a cop myself, remember." Kim laughs.

"Yeah well, don't say I didn't warn you later." Oliver smirks.

"I'll keep that in mind." Kim says with a smile.

"Hey Kim, may I ask you to do a favor for me?" Oliver asks shyly.

"Go ahead. If I don't want to do it, I'll tell you." Kim answers.

"I would do it myself if I could walk but since I can't I want you to ask you if you could place some candles here in the living room. I know we have to talk first before you go when Alex's back but I would like to do something special for Alex. She has to light them herself, but it's the gesture that counts, right?" Oliver asks.

"Tell you what, we sent Alex into the kitchen or some place else and then I place the candles, light them and leave your apartment. How does that sounds?" Kim asks.

"That sounds great. Thank you so much." Oliver answers.

"You're quite romantic, Detective. It suits you. And I'm sure Alex will love it. Like you said it's the thought behind it that counts." Kim says.

"Alex deserves the best, she deserves the world on a silver plater. I can't give her that but I can try to give her the best I can." Oliver says.

"You have a lot to give her, Detective. You'll always protect her and her defend her. You'd give your life if it means saving hers. You love her unconditionally and treats her with respect. That are the most precious gifts a woman can get. So you see, you have a lot more to offer than you might think." Kim says.

"I thought this session was over." Oliver says.

"Fine. I let you off the hook for now. Next time you won't get away so easily. Let's talk about some more pleasant things then. Alex will be her soon I suppose." Kim says.

Oliver looks at the clock on the wall and sees that 38 minutes have gone by since Alex has left the apartment.

"I think she'll be here within the minute. It's 38 minutes since she left and Alex is always on time. Besides she knows that I will go look for her when she's not back after 40 minutes." Oliver says.

Just when Kim wants to answer, they hear a key in the lock of the front door and Alex walking inside the apartment.

"Liv, I'm back. Are you done?" Alex calls out from the entry.

"Hi baby, yes we're done." Oliver calls back.

"How did it go?" Alex asks walking into the living room.

"It was alright I guess." Oliver answers.

"Alright? Your fiancé did a very good job. Without going into details, he really opened up and had very good session." Kim says.

"Looks like that you urned that coffee and ice cream to me, Detective Badass." Alex smiles.

"Gimme, gimme, gimme." Oliver says enthusiastically.

Alex just rolls her eyes and gives Oliver his coffee. Then she hands over a cup to Kim and puts the paper bag with ice cream on the coffee table. She picks up her own coffee and sit down on the other end of the couch taking Oliver's feet into her lap.

"Kim wants to have an extra session on Saturday. Just once. Is that alright with you?" Oliver asks.

"Yes of course. Is there something wrong?" Alex asks worried.

"I gave Oliver some homework to do and I don't want to wait too long with discussing it. That's all. Oliver will talk with you about it when I'm gone." Kim answers.

"Alright. Should I stay around Saturday or do want to be alone?" Alex asks.

"We'll talk about it later, Alex. Right now I want to enjoy my coffee and ice cream. And Kim would tell us about my process, well our process since you are a part of it in my eyes." Oliver answers.

"Well I don't want to come between you and your coffee, Detective." Alex smirks.

"Says the woman everyone avoids until I give her a cup of coffee at the precinct every morning." Oliver teases back.

"You know what? I think you hang out too much with lawyers." Alex mutters.

"And I still love you." Oliver smiles.

"I love you too, Liv." Alex says softly.

Kim smiles at the couple. It's clear how much they love each other and how well they fit together.

"How about I tell you two about Oliver's process while we eat the ice cream and then get out of your hair? I'm sure you have better things to do than having me around." Kim asks.

Both Alex and Oliver agree with the Dr.'s proposition. Kim starts to explain what they could expect and how things would go in big lines. Oliver was excited and worried at the same time. He needed to go to the hospital a lot and he didn't have exactly the best track record when it comes to hospitals. After 20 minutes Kim had told them everything they needed to know. Oliver got Alex into the kitchen saying that he was hungry and while he wasn't exactly looking forward to the' baby food', he still wanted it. Alex excused herself and went into the kitchen to make Oliver's 'baby food' and dinner for herself. When Alex was gone Kim asked Oliver where she could find the candles. Oliver, having been at the apartment lots of times knew where Alex kept the candles and 5 minutes later the candles were burning at multiple places in the living room. Oliver silently thanked Kim for helping him out and the Dr. left the apartment after they made their next appointment for 5.30 pm the next day.