This Delicate Thing We've Made
genre: Romance
rated: M
authors note: mild language and sex in this scene...amongst some heartbreaking conversation
Chapter 8: Words
"I'd like to step into your world, show me a secret
I promise to keep it safe and sheltered from the storm
I would cross the divide that keeps me swimming
Treading water from your shore
"Now I wanna coax you from your hell into an alley
The hidden valley where the truth can surely spill
I wanna take the weight that drags you to the ground
Spare this treasure that I found
But your words are like weapons
But you'll keep them inside, they cut like a knife
And you keep it together
Those feelings inside, there's nowhere to hide
But away from
And I just wanna listen to your words"
Barry paused outside the door, reaching into his pockets before realizing he didn't have the key to the apartment.
"Shit," he whispered, his head falling back in exasperation. He was praying that the key was on the table back at the loft and that he hadn't lost it already. Len had just given him the key a few days ago so that he could let himself in if he was in the neighborhood even when they didn't have planned dates. Barry had beamed up at him when Len presented the key. Len had tried to play it off as not a big deal, claiming that it was for when he was in the neighborhood and wanted to stop by for a bite to eat or to hang out but Barry knew what it represented. They both knew Barry could phase so the key was more meaningful than that. It was an open invitation into Len's life.
It had been four months now since they'd been...dating? Seeing each other? Barry still wasn't sure how to describe what he was doing with the former cold villain turned part-time hero. The terms partner and boyfriend had been tossed around to each other, but neither men had told anyone, with the exception of Iris. They weren't keeping it a secret per se, but they hadn't had the opportunity to explain their relationship to anyone. The need to define it hadn't come up. Instead, they were just free to be, whatever it was they decided to be. But they'd been spending an inordinate amount of time with each other, Barry staying more nights over than not, and now the key, it could only be described as dating even if they hadn't acknowledged that's what it was yet.
Barry knocked twice before phasing through the door. The entryway lead right into the living room and Len was standing right where the hardwood met the ornate rug, blocking Barry's direct route.
"Hey!" Barry smiled awkwardly after they stared at each other for a minute.
"You lost the key already," Len said, deadpan, face blank.
"I didn't lose it," Barry insisted, defiant.
"Then why did you phase through the door?" Len asked, voice dropping to a register that always made the hair on the back of Barry's neck stand up in the best way.
"I didn't lose it," Barry said again, defensive, taking a step forward, awkwardly smiling at Len. "I just didn't feel like going all the way home to get it."
"Right, because that would take all of three seconds for a speedster," Len remarked. His face remained blank until he finally took a step back, chucking as he headed towards the kitchen. "I know this is an absurd question but are you hungry? I made a couple trays of enchiladas. They should be done in a few."
"Oh yeah," Barry pumped his fist, following Len into the kitchen. "Did you make your guacamole too?"
"Scarlet, what do you take me for?" Len scoffed as he moved to check the oven.
Barry leisurely walked around the length of the island bar separating the kitchen and the living room, looking for the dish with mints. Len had a habit of always keeping the dish full but also had a habit of moving it constantly around the apartment.
"Winter mint," Len had drawled in his Captain Cold voice before kissing him deeply, the cool crisp taste stinging Barry's own mouth as their tongues had danced. Len's kisses always had a hint of the flavor and Barry had found himself craving the taste even when his lips weren't attached to Len's.
As Barry looked around the apartment for the bowl, not finding it on the island countertop where he'd seen it last, he looked over to the coffee table before finally spotting it atop Len's desk on the other side of the room.
Strolling over to the far side of the living space, Barry reached for the mint dish near the laptop when he spotted the glass surface covered with blueprints. The mints were immediately forgotten as he spread a hand across the paper, examining the prints for Concordance Research, a science and tech facility in Keystone. Underneath it were blueprints to an A.R.G.U.S. facility, the same one they had broken into to steal the Dominator tech. Notes in Len's handwriting were scrawled across the paper but Barry's eyes couldn't focus on what they said.
His vision blurred, he could feel his blood boiling, but even worse was he felt like his chest was tightening. His heart dropped to his stomach and breathing suddenly hurt. It was a sensation he'd felt before. when he discovered Jay was actually Zoom after Cisco had vibed the helmet, when he'd discovered who he'd thought was Harrison Wells was actually the man in yellow who killed his mother. Betrayal. And something else just below the surface that he couldn't quite name.
"Scarlet? You alright?" Barry heard Len ask as he entered the living room.
He had turned off the oven, leaving the dishes inside to keep them warm. When he had called out to Barry from the kitchen, the man hadn't answered despite the repeated attempts and had just stood there as if frozen to the floor.
"I'm fine," Barry said finally, moving to walk straight past him as he headed for the door, determined to leave. Len reached a hand out to grab his left arm, stopping him.
"Hey, what's wrong?" Len asked, concerned and confused at Barry's sudden mood change. Barry looked down at the arm that held him before phasing through it, stepping back with a glare, hands crossing over his chest in a defensive self hug.
"What are those blueprints?" He couldn't help but back away. He didn't want Len near him right now.
"Barry," Len sighed as he held up a hand to halt the flow of words about to spill out of his lover, trying to stop the man so he could explain.
"I'm so stupid," Barry murmured under his breath, angry tears welling in his eyes as his emotions threatened to overflow but he quickly swallowed them down before glaring at Len. "I trusted you, I thought things were different!"
"Just what do you think is going on?" Len glared back at him, his voice turning hard instead of yelling, a measure on the control of his feelings, something Barry envied. "Tell me, hmm, since you seem to have jumped to a conclusion already. What do you think I'm doing, Barry? Or should I say Flash, because it seems like he's the one confronting me right now."
Barry shook his head, anger swelling before he was gone in a spark of lightning. Before Len could finish the thought that Barry had just left, Barry returned just as quickly. But he was now dressed in the bright red suit, cowl down, and had put the parka onto Len and the cold gun in his now gloved hands.
"There, that better?" Barry snapped, crossing his arms over his chest.
Len stared at Barry for a long moment, grip tightening on the handle of the cold gun before he threw it onto the nearby island countertop.
"You don't trust me." Len took a step towards Barry.
"No, I do trust you and that's the problem," Barry moved his gloved hands to his hips, staring down Len like he had that night in the forest so many years ago, right after Len had discovered the Flash's name. "I keep trusting you. I keep trusting everyone I shouldn't, no matter how many times I get burned. No matter how many times I've been lied to, I keep trusting."
"I'm not Wells, I'm not Zolomon," Len said, taking a step closer, voice low and steady. The hurt in Len's voice was barely contained by the steady anger but Barry didn't miss it. He'd become too familiar with the man by now. Just like how Len had known exactly who he was referring to; they'd shared so much with each other and for the first time, Barry regretted it.
"Don't!" Barry hissed through clenched teeth, voice sounding angry if you didn't know any better. But Len knew better. It was a plea, not anger. It was Barry begging Len not to continue, not to force him to open up further. But Len also knew he had to keep pushing if he was going to break through to the man, to get to the root of his anger and pain.
"You've always known who I am, but suddenly you think these past few months have been what? A con?" Len drawled in that Captain Cold voice, words exaggerated and calculated, slowly walking towards Barry. "You want to know why this works between us? How I knew I was attracted to you? I was attracted to the feeling that you brought out in me, the feeling of being so evenly matched, that feeling of a challenge at first, and then the desire to impress. We complement each other Barry. I see through your heroic bravado and know that inside there is just a broken boy wanting to see the good in the world. And you see through my ice-cold heart and know that I'm just as broken. But we're not trying to fix each other because we don't need to be fixed. We just need to be real and we can be that with each other. So I'm calling you out. Be real with me."
Barry stared at him, his jaw clenched, the anger returning, and then suddenly that emotion he couldn't identify below the surface of his rage. Guilt. Len was asking him to be real with him and Barry knew there was a guilt he was keeping from Len, a secret that he hadn't shared and had done everything in his power to keep from him. Something he kept trying to push down, had not yet acknowledged even as he fell deeper and deeper into the man.
"I can't do this," Barry moved to walk past him but Len stepped in front of the access to the front door, blocking Barry's escape. Barry just stopped short of colliding with Len, head down, body visibly shaking.
"Move, Len," Barry demanded in a low, steady voice, head bowed, breathing through his nose, body rigid, eyes remaining fixed on the floor.
"Nope. Not happening," Len replied casually. Barry still refused to look up. "Can't even stand to look at me, Scarlet?" he sighed, staring at his lover, resisting the urge to shake him.
Barry's eyes darted up, looking directly into Len's blue eyes. He saw that cold stare but there was something Barry couldn't place, something like disappointment. Barry just clenched his jaw more and lunged to dart past him. Len knew what to expect though and grabbed Barry by the arms. Barry brought his fists up and clutched at Len's parka. He struggled, trying to push Len away from him, but Len just held him at arms length.
"Let go of me," Barry all but growled, pushing back at Len's chest with no real strength, his anger only a mask for the anguish he was feeling.
"You don't get to run from this," Len said in a low voice. He knew there was more to this than Barry was letting on, he just had to get to the heart of if. "Talk to me. Tell me you think I've conned you, tell me you don't trust me anymore. Tell me you've changed your mind about us."
"This is the part where you throw away the plan right?" Barry shoved at him again, ignoring the question, finally getting Len to let go and take a step back, knowing it had less to do with the force of the shove and more to do with Len refusing to be like his father by holding him forcefully. It caused a twinge of regret that Barry had shoved at him to begin with but it was quickly washed away with the fresh wave of aggravation. "Making the plan was seducing me, executing the plan was fucking me."
He didn't expect the flinch from Len, whether it was the word, the accusation, or the loudness in his voice, Barry wasn't sure. He could barely register anything other than his own words, not even the hot tears that began to roll down his cheeks.
"The plan went off the rails though when you fucked me more than once, let me stay and held me, made me believe I was worth a damn. And now you're done with me, time to cut ties, throw away the plan!" Barry shouted, so goddamn frustrated as he went to shove at him again but Len caught his wrists this time, gloved hands moving to grip the red gloved fists. "Well, the jokes on you because I'm not worth a damn!"
"Barry," Len spoke, holding the wrists tight between their bodies. Barry could easily pull away, could overpower him in a heartbeat but that's not really what he wanted, wasn't that kind of fight.
"I'm a liar and I hurt people. I'm selfish and deserved to be fucked with! I used you, Len!" Barry spat, pulling at the grip on the hands holding his wrists, not trying to lash out at Len, just desperate to run. "I used you and put you back knowing what was going to happen!"
He stopped thrashing then, shaking as Len's grip loosened slightly around his wrists, refusing to meet Len's eyes. A sudden realization struck Len then, knowing what he was talking about, aware now what the A.R.G.U.S. blueprints had triggered. This had nothing to do with Barry thinking Len was back to planning heists. The sight of the A.R.G.U.S. blueprints sent Barry back to when he'd asked for his help in Siberia, triggered a troubling memory for the younger man, guilt about knowing Len's future and not sharing it.
"I know," Len sighed.
Barry's head snapped up at the quiet response, green eyes wet and pained.
"I knew the whole time," Len met his gaze, thumbs now stroking the captured wrists in his hands, wishing the gloves and suit weren't between them so he could really touch and comfort Barry. "You came back in time to get me instead of hailing the Waverider. And when we got back to your clubhouse to go over how to steal the tech to save Iris, I saw the date was nowhere near when we'd left on Rip's little trip. I know time travel is tricky but I also knew we hadn't been gone that long. From there it was easy to figure out that in your time, I was dead."
"Why didn't you-" Barry shook his head, voice raspy from the shouting and the tears.
"Because I learned quickly on that mission that changing things didn't mean it was going to turn out for the better," Len gave a slight tug on Barry's arms, pulling the man closer to him.
"I used you," Barry whispered, brow furrowed, confused how Len could not hate him right now.
"How many times had I used you?" Len replied, but Barry wasn't having any of it.
"It's not the same!" Barry was angry again, but now at himself, and started to try to pull away again, tears flowing freely. "How can you be okay with this! I put you back, knowing you were going to die. I used you and then left you there to die, Len!"
"And I let you!" Len shouted back, trying to get through to the distressed man. "I could've done something but I didn't. I knew that whatever was ahead of me was better than what I'd left behind!"
"And that's my fault!" Barry confessed, voice loud and desperate. Len just stared, the fight leaving Barry's body, shaking instead as his arms fell forward to cling to the lapels of Len's jacket, not to keep him at bay, but almost like a life preserver as he held on.
"You're right. It is your fault," Len spoke, voice calm and steady, a harsh counterpoint to the desperation in Barry's eyes. "It's your fault that I chose to become a better person, your fault that I saw more for my life. But never once did I blame you for my death. And you do not get to take credit for my sacrifice. It was my fault I was inspired to be something more. My actions are my own. There are no strings on me, not even from you."
Not once did he ever regret what he'd done for his team. But now, he regretted the effect it had on Barry, the guilt that the man took on for his choice. But he knew Barry wouldn't hear any of that, so instead, he went back to Barry's original confession, the original accusation of not trusting Len, although Len now knew where the real pain stemmed from.
"You're not wrong about there being a plan, but you've got the steps all wrong," Len insisted, his voice soft and earnest as he continued. "Making the plan was finally getting the courage to be real with you. Executing the plan was courting you, not seducing you. Getting to know you, Barry, like I'd wanted to for so long. Expecting the plan to go off the rails was knowing that if you allowed me in just a bit, this would become so much more than I've ever had before because you're so much more than any person I'd ever met."
Len ducked his head to look into Barry's eyes, his voice strong and firm as he tried to make Barry understand.
"And the plan was thrown away when I realized I'd never be strong enough to walk away. That even though you deserved so much better than an old thief who'd hurt you in the past, who had used you, I was in too deep, too selfish to let you go. I care too much for you."
Barry was still now, taking a deep breath or two before looking up at his lover.
"I do trust you. What I don't trust is that you won't break my heart when I lose you just like everyone else," Barry replied, voice trembling, barely above a whisper that Len had to lean in to hear. "I'm a curse. Almost everyone I love leaves or gets hurt because of me somehow. The blueprints...I don't want you to go to jail, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone else I care about behind by bars. I left you behind once, I don't want to do it again."
The grief in Barry's eyes was almost too much for Len to handle as they shone with tears. The expression on the younger man's face was desperate, bright with fear and on the verge of crumbling.
"Look, I know what it's like to leave someone behind. I left Mick behind when he became a danger to the team and we all paid for my mistake. Was it the right thing to do, I don't know. It felt like it at the time. I had to hurt someone I cared about to save other people I cared about. And then I sacrificed myself to make it right. Sound familiar?"
Barry shook his head. He knew what Len was trying to do. The man had shared with him the story of Mick wanting to leave, becoming a threat to the team, and the struggle they went through to get to a place where they could work together again before Len sacrificed himself, unable and unwilling to leave Mick behind a second time. Len was trying to equate his mistakes and sacrifice to Barry's with flashpoint and everything subsequent. But Len was missing the point, was not understanding what Barry was trying to tell him.
"I've already lost too many people and it being my fault. I let you get too close, I can't lose you too. I don't want you to die again because of me," Barry's voice broke off into a sob. He'd used Len in the past, and by falling for him now, put his life in harm's way in the future, and the thought was threatening to drown him.
"Your parents, their deaths are not on you. They were the choices of bad men who wanted to cause you pain," Len moved his hands from Barry's wrists to grip at his shoulders, eyes hard with truth as he tried to make Barry understand. "Take it from a guy who has used people you love to hurt you."
"No, it's not the same," Barry shook his head, voice wet but strong as he denied Len's last statement. "My mom, my dad, Thawne and Zolomon killed them to hurt me. They knew me, they manipulated me. It was my fault. I trusted them, I cared about them, and they betrayed me and took away the people I love. I can't let that happen to you."
He'd said it. It wasn't quite the words but the sentiment was there. Everything Barry was afraid of, of being vulnerable with him completely, of admitting to himself that he'd fallen in love with Len. It wasn't that Barry was afraid of being in love, Barry wore his heart on his sleeve, everything he did was with his heart. He just never thought the person that would capture it would be the man staring back at him. He was terrified of losing him and terrified it would be his fault. Trying to push him away at the first sight of betrayal was self-preservation. It was easier to have Len walk away than to have him ripped from him like his parents.
"I don't need you to protect me. Especially if you're trying to protect me from you." Len wanted to say more but Barry wouldn't let him, stopped him before he could either try to dismiss Barry's fears further, yell at him for his accusations, or return the sentiment they couldn't come back from.
"Bar-mmmm" Len moaned as his back slammed against the door and his mouth was devoured by Barry. His back arched up from the wall, their hips thrust against each other. It was urgent and suffocating and Barry found himself pushing into it, sucking on Len's lips harder than usual until Len ultimately pulled back with a sigh.
Barry's hands were on him, sliding the parka off Len's shoulders as Len fumbled to unzip the Flash suit from behind, cursing Ramon for changing the design of the two separate pieces like his old suits. His hands pulled at the material down over the front of Barry's shoulders, the man maneuvering his arms out of the material while also trying to shed Len of his clothes. Len finally pulled the suit down Barry's long body and shoved the material down over Barry's hips hastily, exposing his cock, already rock hard. Barry groaned and managed to pull the last button of Len's shirt and Len helped him pull it off when Barry slid the material down over his arms.
Len removed his own belt and his pants slid down to the floor. Barry jumped up, wrapping his legs around Len's hips, back pressed against the wall, so similar to their first time together. He reached down and grabbed Len by the back of the neck, dipping his head so their lips could meet in a long, steamy kiss that made both their bodies ache.
Len moved away from the wall, bringing an arm up to brace Barry's back to keep him on his hips. As he walked them towards the bedroom, Barry's talented lips trailed up and down Len's neck, giving Len chills down his spine.
When they reached the bedroom and Len's knees hit the end of the bed, Barry slid off Len's hips to land kneeling atop the mattress. Barry grabbed Len's wrists and gave a light yank, pulling him towards him. With a smooth movement, Len came to kneel on the bed, the two just staring at each other. Barry pulled again on Len's wrists and captured his hands between them in one hand and circled Len's back with the other. Len leaned down for a deep kiss, wrapped tightly in Barry's arms.
When they pulled away from the kiss it was as if time moved in slow motion, the embrace easing slowly. Barry just gazed up at Len for a long moment, saying nothing, just looking lovingly, hands traveling up to Len's chest and making soft comforting movements across the scars and scattered tattoos. Len just ran his deep gaze over the man kneeling in front of him, hand moving to rest on Barry's hips, thumbs massaging gently as they moved across the pale skin.
This told Barry everything they weren't expressing in words earlier. Just moments ago they were fighting, then blood was pumping and their hands and lips were unable to be kept off each other. And now, here they were silent, their eyes the ones unable to tear away from their lover's gaze.
It was Len who broke the silence after he leaned in for a soft kiss, gentle and sincere.
"I'm not going anywhere. Trust me," Len grabbed his face in his hands, voice hardly a whisper before he crushed his lips to Barry's. His blood pumping again, Barry groaned as the tongue ravished his, Len's mouth swallowing the moan. Barry suddenly pulled away and twisted, throwing Len back against the bed and with a blink of his eye and a flicker of lightning, swung his body, knees settling on the outside of Len's thighs to straddle him.
Barry slowly slid down Len's body as he tongued his way from his lover's chest to his stomach, kissing every inch of flesh as Len's hands slowly glided over Barry's body. Len then grabbed Barry and pulled him closer, Barry stumbling against Len's body.
"Len," Barry chuckled, as his chest crashed against Len's chest.
"I can't wait any longer," Len smiled against the side of Barry's neck. He nibbled on Barry's ear lobe, his hands still gripping on Barry's hips as he lay on top of him. Barry surrendered instantly, shifting so his ass was in line with Len's pelvis.
Barry moved up as he rode Len, one hand's fingers digging into Len's shoulder, the other gripping onto the headboard, grinding his hips down as Len's cock pushed against his hole.
"Oh fuck," Barry moaned as Len's grip on his hips tightened, his cock thrusting up into him. Sprawled across Len, Barry's body arched up off Len's with each thrust.
As Len pushed up into him, Len moved one of his hands from Barry's hips to pump Barry's cock in time with his thrusts. He thrust harder and faster, buried deep inside as Barry continued to ride him, the two in sync completely.
Barry hunched inward, his neck stretching as he sucked at the flesh at Len's neck as his lover thrust up into him while squeezing and stroking his shaft. Barry's body clamped down on the cock inside him, vibrating in pleasure as Len pushed in twice more until finally feeling himself begin to come. With a few more thrusts and pulls, the two men came together, Len inside of Barry and Barry inside of Len's hand.
Len slumped back in bed and Barry collapsed forwards, hands braced against Len's chest keeping him upright, still feeling Len's cock twitch inside of him, both men panting. They stayed like that for a few minutes as they came down from the high of the orgasm before Barry lifted himself up off of Len just enough to fall to lay completely on top of him.
"Ooof," Len laughed as his lover unceremoniously sprawled across his body.
Barry trailed a hand down Len's face gently while the other massaged his chest, staring into Len's eyes. Len held Barry close to him, his own hands running gently down Barry's bare ass and caressing his muscular thighs before rubbing small circles at the small of his back.
"I swear this is not how I saw the night going when I came over," Barry smiled down at him. Len smiled back before grabbing Barry's chin gently and forcing their lips together. As their tongues danced behind sealed lips, Len could feel Barry's smile against his mouth. They pulled away slowly and Barry folded his arms over Len's chest, resting his head upon them as he gazed at Len
"Which part? The fucking or the fighting?" Len teased, voice thick with tiredness.
"Both, I don't know," Barry says, blushing. "I just never imagined we'd go from the way things were before to...ya know, this."
"Tell me, Scarlet," Len requested reaching out to stroke Barry's hand with gentle fingers. "What is this to you, really?"
It was a loaded question. Barry had made it quite clear that he cared for Len, as much as Len cared for him. He'd said as much, not even mentioning the reaction to the blueprints, the visceral fear of losing Len to either jail or death, his guilt at borrowing Len from the past without telling him the truth, all culminating in a blowout as his emotions combined and created weapons our of words as he tried to push Len away by blaming him. It was illogical, but then again so was love. There was no denying what this was between them, even if they hadn't defined it yet. But now Len was giving them their chance to decide, the lay the cards out on the table and call a spade a spade.
"We don't have to define this. I know you don't like labels," Barry was quick to say, not wanting to frighten the other man away, giving Len a chance to back out of the sentiment he expressed before.
"I think we're way past that kid, " Len said instead as he took Barry's face in his hands, running the pads of his thumbs over his jawline. "But is this things we've started, is this what you really want?"
"My whole life I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I wanted my mom back, I wanted my dad out of prison, and I wanted Iris," Barry explained, rolling off from where he was sprawled across Len's body to lay beside him, one hand resting across his own torso while the other stretched behind his head as he looked up at the ceiling. Even though Barry had detached from him physically, Len recognized the feeling of needing to retreat to open up, to create distance to connect as a need for self-preservation.
"But life, life knows what we need and doesn't really care what we want. My mom alive meant the world was a different place and even though it killed me to let her go, I knew I could never have her back. And my dad in prison meant not being taken in by Joe and I wouldn't be the person, the hero, I am without being raised by him. And a life with Iris, I thought we had a real chance but it couldn't survive after what we went through and we both deserve a chance to be really happy instead of happy enough," Barry smiled softly as he looked up at the ceiling. It wasn't sadness in the smile, but a bittersweetness. "And when Ray told me that you'd died, all I wanted to do was to go back and save you. When I asked you for help with A.R.G.U.S., I wanted so badly to tell you. But I couldn't, not after flashpoint. So what I want, it doesn't really matter does it?"
"It does matter," Len replied, head turned to face Barry beside him. "It matters to me."
"Why?" Barry asked, voice barely above a whisper as he turned his head to face Len.
"Because you matter," Len took a deep breath before he moved his hand to clasp the one over Barry's chest, watching as Barry moved to hold it between his own two hands, gently grazing lazy fingers in indistinct patterns over Len's skin as Len continued to speak.
"My whole life I've accounted for everything. After growing up with a man who I couldn't predict, I needed to be able to anticipate every move so that I couldn't get hurt or taken off guard ever again. I calculated everything, the risks versus the payoff, never committing myself fully to any person, place, or thing. And then you came along and who could anticipate you."
They both chuckled before Len continued.
"You were a factor I couldn't calculate and it terrified me. Suddenly the life I'd built on controlled chaos was at risk and it was all that I had. I had to take you out. I made a lot of mistakes out of self-preservation and fear, hurting your friends, betraying you at Ferris Air when the idea that suddenly I could have a better life by partnering up with Team Flash and no criminal record, anything was on the table and that fear crippled me." As Len spoke he reached his free hand out to brush back Barry's hair.
"And then I realized fighting with you was the most fun I'd had in a while. The Captain Cold persona gave me something that was uniquely mine, not the name Snart that followed me around from the stain of a dirty cop and a criminal history, but an identity all my own. Then you saved my sister. And then Mardon wanted to kill you and I couldn't let him take you by surprise. Not soon after that, I joined the Legends and here was my chance, to be the something more you kept telling me I could be. I was finally ready to carve my own path. To be a better man than my father ever was."
As Len spoke, Barry had moved towards him, shimmying his body as he pressed himself against Len's side, wrapping his arms around his waist, head resting on his shoulder.
"You are nothing like Lewis," Barry assured, voice quiet, looking up at Len from where he leaned against him. "You have a light in you. I've always seen it. I hope you do now too."
Len smiled softly down at him, a hand resting on the arm wrapped around his waist, thumb stroking against the smooth soft skin as Barry continued to speak.
"What you said before about using the people I love to hurt me. I'm not saying what you did to Cisco and Caitlin was right but you did it to hurt the Flash, a faceless adversary who you saw as a threat spoiling your plans," Barry whispered up at him, hands rubbing up and down the base of Len's spine with gentle fingers. "Thawne, Zoom, they killed my parents violently in front of me for no reason other than to cause me pain. It was deliberate, they knew me, I trusted and cared about them. When you took my friends, you knew nothing about who I was. You're not like them. And you're not like your father."
Len leaned forward, planting a soft kiss against Barry's lips before folding himself deeper around the young man, pulling him to his chest, resting his head upon Barry's tousled hair. Barry nuzzled into the crook of Len's neck, moving his own hands to rest on Len's chest between their bodies.
"You were my last thought before the Oculus blew, how pissed I was that you were right about me. But I was even more pissed that I'd missed my chance to thank you." Len's voice was quiet as he spoke, the words whispered into tufts of brown hair as Barry listened intently, not pulling away to look at Len's face as he spoke, just staying wrapped in each his arms. "You made my game better, you made me better just because of how damn good you are. You gave me hope and that's a dangerous thing. But I like danger. I can't anticipate you and that's dangerous. And then I saw you in trouble, bleeding out in my arms and terror gripped me again at the thought of losing the thing that had turned my life around into a different kind of controlled chaos, one that actually brought a spark to my life that I'd never felt. The thought of that spark going out..."
Barry lay curled against Len, head resting on his shoulder, his hand rested upon his chest as fingertips traced the skin of his collarbone as he continued to listen to Len's confession.
"I couldn't bear it, Scarlet. And not because of the game or the fun, but the idea of living in this life without your spark in it. And I realized then what I could never have anticipated, that you mattered to me."
Barry looked up at him, tears in his eyes.
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal," Len spoke in a beautiful melody, his fingers dancing up and down Barry's bare arms, their eyes locked. "Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
"C.S. Lewis," Barry acknowledged, recognizing the author, still trapping Len in his gaze, afraid to question the quote Len just recited. "What are you saying?"
"Everything I did, who I was, locking away my heart, focusing on myself and my triumphs, it made me who I am now. I'm saying our pasts lead us here. Including our adventure at A.R.G.U.S., You put me back and because you didn't tell me, it gave me the chance to still become that something more. I wouldn't change any of it," Len didn't even hesitate to answer, his hand moving to cup Barry's cheek. "I'm saying I want to be vulnerable with you. I want this, I want you. What do you want?"
Barry kissed him deeply and slowly, breathing him in as Len did the same, trying to put every ounce of what he was feeling into one passionate kiss, afraid that words would fail him.
"I want this," Barry whispered when they finally pulled away, ready to admit to Len and himself how much he cared about him. "I don't want to push you away or run because I'm afraid of losing you. I want us. I want there to be an us."
"Good," Len smiled back, pressing a chaste kiss against Barry's lips before wrapping his arms tighter around Barry as the other man nuzzled in impossibly closer against his body.
"And just for the record," Len interrupted the sweet silence, "those blueprints are for a job. A real one. Raymond recommended my particular expertise to a friend of his who is about to land a major contract with the government. They have a similar entrance layout that the A.R.G.U.S. facility we broke into had and I was using it as reference material. He wants me to use my unique set of skills to find the faults in his building's security system."
"Are you fucking kidding me? For real?" Barry exclaimed, trying not to laugh as he pushed himself off of Len, leaning up on his elbows to glare down at the other man.
Len laughed as Barry tried to smack him, grabbing Barry's wrists and giving a light yank on his arms, pulling him against his chest as he rolled them over till Len was on top, capturing his hands between them in one hand and circling between Barry's back and the mattress with the other.
"A real job," Barry laughed, shaking his head. "I can't believe you're going straight."
"Not exactly straight, Scarlet," Len said with a wink, dipping his head to kiss along Barry's jawline, speaking between kisses. "Besides, even if it is a legal job, I'm still a wanted criminal."
"Um, not actually," Barry couldn't help but respond, stretching his neck to allow Len easier access as he kissed and nipped at the flesh.
"I think you've been hit in the head by a giant gorilla one too many times kid. You may have wiped my files clean but after that, I went to jail for murdering Lewis."
"Yeah, about that," Barry stammered, Len halting to look at him. "When I found out about your death, the Flash may have gone to the DA and petitioned to get your case overturned. I told her about what he'd done to your sister, told her it was technically self-defense and got you a posthumous pardon."
"You're joking," Len blinked. "We've been seeing each other for months, how is this the first time you're mentioning this to me?"
"It never came up!" Barry laughed as he defended. "And even though you technically broke out of jail with Mardon and Jesse, you'd have been released anyway so if they try to catch you on that I could probably call in a favor. But anything you do other than that is on you so you might want to stick with the security consulting as your only kind of B&E. No more breaking into places just to have alley sex!"
Len smiled down at Barry, wondering what the hell he'd done to deserve a nemesis turned friend who'd go to such lengths to prove him innocent after his death, not to mention having that same person become something he wasn't sure he could live without anymore.
Before Len could try to find the words to thank him, to tell him how much it meant to him, how much he meant to him, Barry leaned up for a deep kiss, wrapped tightly in Len's embrace and all thoughts went out that window as Len decided he'd just have to show him instead. Len, still hovering over Barry, thrust both hands through his hair and crushed their lips together hard, thrusting his tongue into Barry's mouth. Barry kissed back just as hard, wrapped himself around Len, rolling them until Len was on his back.
They maybe weren't ready to say the words yet even though they both knew that was what it was between them. Barry didn't have doubts about them like Len thought initially at the beginning of their night, but instead revealed he doubted himself and his worthiness of Len's love. So maybe Len wasn't ready to say the words, but he could make sure Barry felt it. Over and over if necessary.