Chapter 44
"Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." - Emily Bronte
"There's one thing I'd like to know. The rest is pretty clear for me, now, so I have one important question I'd like to ask. There's nothing in the world that I want more than to have children with Oliver, besides marrying him in less than 2 months. There is nothing I want more than to carry our children. So what I want to know is, is it possible for us to get pregnant the natural way or not?" Alex asks hopefully.
"Judging by the look on your face and with what you said, I think I'm going to make you very happy, Ms. Cabot. Yes, you can get pregnant the natural way. After Oliver's Phalloplasty of course. I have to admit it's something I've never seen before, having a normal female body and testicles that are working. But how or why isn't important in your situation. What is important seeing what you want and is important to you, is that it's possible to get pregnant the natural way." Dr. Young answers.
Alex had been to the moon and back with happiness that Oliver and she could have children naturally in the future. But when then blonde had looked aside at her soon to be husband, she could see through the smile Oliver plastered on his face. She could see that there was something on the Detective's mind. But the blonde had also known that it wasn't the right time then to ask him about it so the blonde attorney had let it go. They had stayed in Dr. Young's office for about 10 more minutes and after that they had left her office with a prescription for Oliver's Androgel, the hormone gel he needed to use, and with the addresses for his transformer shirts, that's what they were called Dr. Young had explained, and the prosthesis he could wear in his boxer shorts. Oliver already wore tight boxer shorts so that didn't need to change. During the ride back to the apartment Oliver was very quiet. But Alex knows the Detective very well and the blonde knows that the Detective needed time. If the Detective could have, Oliver would have run away as fast as he could. But since that's not one of his options he decides to call one of his friends when they would be home and Oliver would lay down to rest before they leave to the Hampton's. They arrived at their apartment and Alex helps Oliver to their bedroom downstairs and then she helps him to change into a sweats pant and t-shirt from the NYPD. Now comfortably dressed Alex helps Oliver on their bed.
"Liv, are you alright? Do you need anything?" Alex asks, trying to keep her worries out of her voice.
"Not yet but I'll be alright soon. Could you go to the pharmacy and get the gel, Lex?" Oliver asks.
"Sure. I'll get some groceries for today too, so we won't need to get them when we get to the house in the Hampton's. I'll be away about an hour. I'll take my phone with me so if there is something just call and I'll come right back. Alright?" Alex asks.
"Yes. Good idea to get the groceries now. You know I love you, right Lex?" Oliver asks softly.
"Yes I do know that you love me, Liv. I love you too, honey." Alex answers.
"Good. Don't you ever forget that. I know we have a long road to recovery but I still can't wait to marry you, Counselor. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to know it's reality. That I'm not dreaming." Oliver says softly.
"Me too. I can't believe that I got so lucky and I get to marry you, to become Mrs. Alexandra Benson. Try not to think to much with that beautiful brain of yours. We'll get through this. Everything will be alright, Oliver." Alex says softly.
"With my heart I know you're right. It's just that sometimes my mind doubts that. Now you go get my medication. The sooner I start the sooner I need to shave." Oliver winks.
"I can't wait for that to happen. Alright I'll go now. I'll be back soon." Alex says.
The blonde ADA kisses Oliver briefly on his lips before she leaves the bedroom and after that the apartment. For a minute Oliver thinks about whom to call, Abby, Casey or Jane. Knowing that Abby wasn't in court today he decides to call the Texan. After a few rings the brunette ADA picks up.
"Carmichael." Abby says.
"Abs, it's Oliver. How busy are you?" Oliver asks.
"Busy but not too busy. Why?" Abby asks.
"Because I need to talk with you and it's not one of those 5 minutes talks." Oliver answers.
"Right. Well since I haven't had lunch yet, how about I pick up some sandwiches from the deli a block away from the DA's office and I come to your apartment?" Abby asks.
"Alright that's even better. Although... Abs, do ya have a key from the apartment with you? Alex isn't home right now, she'll be back in a little under an hour. I'm laying down on the bed so if you don't have it you have to ask Hector to let you inside." Oliver asks.
"Yeah I do, it's on my key chain. So no problem. Should I pick up one for Alex too? I know you can't have one yet. But I can get you one of those ice coffees that you like so much." Abby asks.
"Really? That would be awesome Tex. And pick up a turkey sandwich with extra lettuce for Alex. Without the mayonnaise." Oliver answers.
"Alright. See ya in 30 minutes, Oli. If the traffic ain't against me." Abby answers.
"Alright. Thanks Abs, for coming here." Oliver says.
"No need to thank me, Oli. See ya soon. Bye." Abby replies and ends the call.
Half an hour later the front door of the apartment opens and Abby hollers inside that it's her so that Oliver doesn't stress himself out with worry or worse. A minute later Abby knocks on the bedroom door and walks inside with a ice coffee for Oliver and a sandwich for herself with a cup of latte.
"Hey Oli, here's the ice coffee you ordered." Abby says.
"Hey Abs. Thank you for coming and bringing me an ice coffee." Oliver says.
"No need to thank me, Oliver. Besides, it was a good excuse for me to leave the office. I assume that you wanting to talk with me has to do with your appointment earlier today?" Abby asks softly.
"Yes it does. The appointment on itself went really well actually. I can start with the hormone treatment right away. Alex is getting it for me now. I have to rub a gel on my leg or arm every day. And in about six month I'll have the first surgery. There are also special shirts, they're called transformer, they will flatten my upper torso. So you don't see those damn things very well anymore. And there's something like a fake, you know what, I can put in my boxer shorts so it looks like normal. But that's the part I was excited about and am excited about of course. Alex too. So far the good part." Oliver answers.
"Oh Oli, that's great! I'm so happy for you. So on the outside you'll look like a man soon. Well without the facial hair of course, but for the rest you probably will. And I hope that your facial hair will grow fast. But not as fast as you want it to grow though. So soon Alex while start whining that you need to shave cuz your face ain't soft and smooth anymore huh." Abby says excitedly.
"I almost jumped out of my damn wheelchair when we talked about this with Dr. Young. It's the last part of our appointment that makes me feel lousy and bad or whatever you can come up with." Oliver says softly.
"Why? Did something go wrong? Or is there something wrong?" Abby asks a bit worried.
"Well yes and no. Actually it depends on the POV." Oliver rattles.
"Alright Benson, what's going on. Why are you so shaken up?" Abby asks.
"Alex askedifwecouldhavechildrennaturally. ." Oliver rambles incoherently.
"Alex what? I'm sorry buddy, but you have to repeat it and this time say it slower so I can actually follow you. Really, Oli it can't be that bad. Alex left you alone to get your meds and probably some groceries. She wouldn't have done that if there was something really wrong with you." Abby says softly and calm.
Oliver takes a deep breath and starts over again.
"Alex asked if we could have children naturally. The normal way. And the Dr. said yes. Now Alex is 'to the moon and back again' happy with it. I know I said that I wanted children with Alex, naturally, but when Dr. Young told us it's possible. I... I don't know. I'm... I'm not so sure anymore. And Alex is really serious about it and so incredibly happy, I can't just crush down her world and say 'Hey Alex, guess what? I changed my mind'. I thought I was sure about it but now I'm not. I have bad genes..." Oliver explains and gets interrupted by Abby immediately.
"Just stop right there, Detective. Don't even think of finishing that sentence. First of all you don't have a bad bone in your entire body. Do you really think Alex would want to have children with you, from you, if she thought that you would be a bad parent, that you would harm your children? I don't think so. Alex would never, ever, do that. You are the most caring, selfless, helping person I know. Now I was not there but both Alex and you talked with me about it, so do I need to remind you of the Darrel Guan case? Do I need to remind you of Alex's closing statement? And the verdict that came back? Ya know what? I'm gonna do it anyway. Alex strongly believes, and so do I, that no matter what your genes are you are the person responsible for your own actions. He made the decision to commit those crimes. He choose to do it. Nobody was forcing him to do it. And neither were his genes responsible for his actions. Now you can say that Alex and I may be biased towards you, but you can't say that of the jury who agreed together, all of them, that he was guilty. That he made the decision to commit those crimes. You can't say that all of them are biased too, Oliver. Being able to have children the natural way is wonderful. It's a gift that Alex and you are blessed with. Yes, I do say blessed with, cuz that's what it is. I get it that your nervous about being a good parent, every parent is nervous about being a good parent, the only exception are the people you arrest and Alex brings to trial. But I've never seen anyone be so good with children as you are. You're gonna be a wonderful dad. And yes you'll make mistakes, as will Alex. Every parent makes them, but making normal mistakes ain't making you a bad parent. Your children will be loved and cherished. They will be protected as long as the both of you are alive. And after that. You're not your mother, Oliver, or the rapist that raped your mother and got her pregnant. Not long from now Alex and you are getting married. There's no doubt on my mind that Alex would have wanted to marry you and would marry you if you were a bad person or a risk. So do we understand each other and did ya pull your head out of your ass or do I need to get my girlfriend here to thoroughly kick your sorry ass?" Abby finishes.
Oliver thinks about all that Abby said and he knows the Texan is right. He was letting his insecurity taking over. Just when Oliver wants to answer they hear the front door opening again.
"No you don't have to get Jane here. I will talk about this with Alex when we're alone." Oliver says.
"Fine. But ya better have that conversation with Alex or else I will get Jane and have her kick your ass." Abby agrees and warns the Detective.
"I will, probably when we are on our way to the Hampton's." Oliver says.
They hear the clicking of Alex's heels on the floor and soon the door to the bedroom opens again and the blonde attorney walks inside.
"Hey Abs. What brings you here?" Alex asks curiously.
"Your demanding fiancé brings me here, Counselor." Abby smiles.
"What did he want this time?" Alex laughs.
"Getting my ass out of the office and have lunch." Abby answers, the Texan isn't lying but also not telling the truth.
"She brought a turkey sandwich for you, Lex. Without mayonnaise and with extra lettuce, just the way you like it." Oliver says.
"My favorite sandwich huh. Thank you Abs. And care to tell me what was in it for you, Detective Benson?" Alex asks playful.
"One cup of ice coffee was in it for me, ADA Cabot." Oliver answers.
Alex knows Abby is here for a reason, the blonde also knows that Oliver will talk with her later when he's ready for it. She has a feeling what is keeping her fiancé's mind busy. Sure it stings a bit that Oliver didn't talk with her about it when she asked for it, but on the other hand the blonde ADA was happy that Oliver at least talked about it with someone. He made a big progression and he might not even realize it.
"Hey babe, I got your gel. So after showering tonight you can put it on for the first time. How does that sound?" Alex asks smiling.
Oliver's eyes light up as soon as he hears the word gel and a big smile breaks through on his face.
"Best idea I heard today." Oliver answers, bobbing with his head.
"That needs to be celebrated. How about Jane and I come over tomorrow evening? Neither of us is on the call this weekend. So we could come for about two hours and then go back to the City again." Abby asks.
"Let me talk with Alex for a moment and I'll give you an answer. Ok?" Oliver asks.
"Sure. I'll go to the living room. Let me know when you're done." Abby answers and leaves the room.
Alex looks at her Detective waiting for Oliver to start the conversation.
"I think Abby is right and that we should celebrate it. It's the first step of the physical process. Maybe we could ask Amanda too. Since Abby isn't on call I assume that Case is. Otherwise we could have ask her too. Or should we only asks Abby and Jane? What do you think, Alex?" Oliver asks.
"I think Abs is right too. I assume that Casey is on call, with you. But how about we ask Abby and Jane and let them stay over for the night. You're comfortable with the both of them so maybe it would be a nice distraction if they stay and leave the next morning. If you're up to it of course." Alex answers.
"I think that's a great idea. Yeah, let's do that." Oliver answers.
Alex smiles at Oliver and walks back to the door, she opens it and calls for Abby to come back. The tall brunette comes back and walks into the room again.
"That was fast. So what did you decide?" Abby asks.
"We would like it if Jane and you come tomorrow evening and stay for the night. And head back to the City on Saturday. Have a nice evening with the four of us." Oliver answers.
"It's fine by me. I would like to do that. I'll ask Jane and call you back about it. I know it's soon but I have to go back to office. We should see each other tomorrow night. Congratulations Oli, I'm so happy for you that you can start with your hormone treatment." Abby says.
"Thank you Abs. Call Alex's phone when you know if the two of you can stay for the night and what time you think you'll be there tomorrow evening." Oliver says.
"Alright. See ya tomorrow." Abby says.
"See ya tomorrow. Bye Texas." Oliver jokes.
"Bye Oil." Abby jokes back.
Abby and Alex walk out of the couples bedroom and to the door where they say their goodbyes and Alex closes the door behind the Texan. Then the blonde walks back to their bedroom.
"Liv, why was Abs really here? Cuz I know she didn't just wanted to leave the office for lunch." Alex asks while sitting down on the bed facing Oliver.
"You're right she didn't come here coincidentally. I called her to talk with her and she offered to come here. I hope you're not mad because I talked to her and not to you first." Oliver answers.
"I'm not mad. Yes I didn't like it that you didn't talk to me at first, but I do understand it. I'm just glad you talk with me now." Alex answers truthfully.
"I'm sorry Lex, that I didn't talk to you but I didn't want to hurt you. Nor did I want to push you away if we would have talked. I'm ready now though." Oliver says softly.
"I know you weren't ready to talk. I know that something happened inside your head when we were in Dr. Young's office. Do you want to tell me what was going through your head, what was going on?" Alex asks.
"I panicked a bit, I freaked out, when Dr. Young answered your question and said that you could get pregnant the natural way. I guess I didn't realize how much you want children of our own. And I think I got surprised. Stupid, I know but it happened. I should have known how much you want children and I did know it on the inside to be honest. But still I let it get to me and I panicked. But when Abby came here and I started to talk about my genes again she cut me off fast. And reminded me of the Darrel Guan case and your closing statement. Reminded me that you would never put any child in jeopardy or taking the risk to get them harmed. Let's just say she got my head straight and out of my ass. And she threatened me that if I didn't get it out she would've called Jane to come over and kick my ass thoroughly, her words not mine. I'm sorry for freaking out or panicking like I did, Lex. I know you never would marry me or have children with me if you thought I was a threat to them. I'm sorry for letting this get to me when you were and are so happy that we can have children like anyone else can have them. And don't think I don't want to have children with you when the time is right, I do want them with you. I let my insecurity get the best of me, it wasn't necessary and I'm sorry I let that happen." Oliver finishes softly, apologizing to Alex.
"First of all, you don't have to apologize Liv. Every parent gets insecure every once in a while. That's normal. Maybe you will freak out a few more times, but still, that's normal. I'm sure I'll get insecure myself somewhere down the road and I know that you'll be there for me, to reassure me and help me get my head straight. Next time it happens I want you to come to me if you can do it. I know you want children with me Liv, I'll still know that when or if you get insecure. And you being insecure won't change the fact that you want children with me. I know a lot of things are unsure, especially for you, right know. But there are two things I know for certain, one is marrying you and the other is that you're going to be the best father any child could wish for. I won't repeat what Abby already said, I don't need to because you got it when she did. And you know what? I'm proud of you, Liv. You panicked but you didn't run away and you didn't shut me out. That's a big step you have taken. Now how about we cuddle a bit and take a nap before getting ready for your appointment with Kim?" Alex asks.
Oliver smiles at Alex and motions at his fiancé to come closer towards him. Alex moves forward until she's sitting next to Oliver and close to the Detective's face.
"Yes, honey?" Alex asks.
"I like your idea but I have something I'd like to add. How about we practice the first step of getting pregnant, which is kissing, first before that, Counselor?" Oliver asks.
"I like the way you think, Detective." Alex answers softly.
Oliver closes the space between and captures Alex's soft lips with his own. Practicing their first step of getting pregnant.