Edited version.
A\N I owe y'all an apology again. I won't explain everything again as y'all know I have some difficulties going on in my life.
This chapter isn't read by my usual beta reader so all mistakes that are in it, are entirely my own and if there should ass kicking be necessary, it's mine that needs the kicking.
Enjoy reading this chapter and as always please R+R.
Chapter 47
"Those who have never known the deep intimacy and the intense companionship of mutual love have missed the best thing life has to give." - Bertrand Russel.
It's a little over a month later and Oliver now walks with a cane inside the house. PT is very painful but the strong Detective is handling it very well. In the morning he has PT and in the afternoon he's working on his homework for Kim or doing one of the assignments Alex and he need to do before Kim comes for their sessions. There's a real connection between the Detective and the Doctor. For the first time in his life, Oliver almost looks forward to his appointments. After two appointments with his trauma therapist that went wrong and took Oliver two days to get past it, Alex and Oliver decided with Kim that she would be his only mental therapist. He had been stubborn twice more with Kim, but other than that he actually did the best he could and worked his ass off.
Slowly, Oliver made some progression. He didn't flinch so much anymore, and the only time he flinched was when he would be touched by someone that wasn't Alex. He even initiated a couple of their 'make out' sessions beside the assignments they needed to do. Oliver still has nightmares, however, sometimes they are less bad and he can deal with them then. He still has flashbacks but they now know what triggers them and try to prevent those situations.
Every morning after PT, Oliver showers with help from Alex. Afterwards he rubs the gel on his left upper arm and he spends more time in front of the mirror to see if he has any facial hair yet. His voice is still the same and he is impatiently waiting for his voice getting lower.
The wedding preparations are almost done and Caroline surprisingly accepted all their wishes without arguing about it. Today Abby and Jane are coming over after work to spend the weekend with them, and they'll be staying till Sunday. Tomorrow, Saturday, they are going to look in the Hampton's for their outfits. Abby and Alex will be looking for a wedding dress, and Oliver and Jane will be looking for the suit Oliver will be wearing at the reception after the wedding ceremony, when Alex and Abby will be back. He will marry Alex in his dress uniform per the blonde's request. Abby will show Jane a photo of Alex's dress so that the Italian Detective can match Oliver's suit with the blonde's dress.
"ALEX, ALEX, ALEX. COME HERE!" Oliver yells, from inside the en suite bathroom at their bedroom.
Alex jumps off the sofa in the game room and runs to their bathroom.
"What is it, Liv? What's happening?" Alex asks when she sees the huge smile on her finance's face.
"Feel this," Oliver answered.
Oliver took Alex's hand and placed her finger tops on his skin on and under his chin. Alex moved her fingers and a huge smile came on the attorney's face.
"Oliver! It's finally happening. You're getting facial hair!" Alex squealed.
"I know! How awesome is that?" Oliver squealed back.
"Oh Liv, I'm so happy for you. This is so great," Alex answered.
"Now I can go buying a razor blade and shaving cream and you'll want to complain that I need to go shave myself after a couple of days because you want my skin soft and smoothly and...and...and... This is just so awesome. I'm getting a beard," Oliver rambled excitingly.
Alex puts her hands on Oliver's face and leans forward to kiss the Detective softly on his lips.
"Congratulations, Oliver Alexander Benson. This is one big step in your process," Alex said softly.
"Congratulations to you too Alexandra Laura Cabot, soon to be Benson, this is equally important to you to," Oliver said.
"Thank you, Liv. Now,I hate to break our bubble but we need to get you ready, Kim will be here in half an hour for your session and Abby and Jane should be here just after your session is finished," Alex said.
"I know. Just stay around just in case I need you, alright?" Oliver asked.
"I'll be in the game room, like always. You just call me if you need me." Alex answered, reassuring her Detective.
Half an hour later Kim arrived and just like they always did the three of them drank a cup of coffee and then Alex went to the game room and left Oliver and Kim to their privacy.
They started easy with talking about Oliver's facial hair. The Detective told Kim about his newly discovered hairs and how happy he was with it and that Alex was really happy too. The Dr. congratulated him. She also was very happy for Oliver and Alex of course. They talked about it for 5 minutes before Kim said that they needed to move on and discuss the diary and if they had made some progress or not. They talked about the things Oliver had problems with and the things that went pretty well. After three quarters of their session Kim said that she thought it would be a good idea to involve Alex in this and have her join their session. While it would make him a bit uncomfortable, Oliver understood why Kim wanted his fiancé to join their session. So he asked Kim to go and get Alex. Kim stood up and walked to the game room, knocked on the door and stuck her head through the door opening.
"Alex, could you join us for the remaining time of Oliver's session?" Kim asked.
Alex looked up surprised. It was the first time Kim came to ask her to join them.
"Yes of course. Is something wrong?" Alex asked worried.
"You don't have to worry, everything is fine. What we're discussing now concerns the both of you, that's why I want you to join us. Your Detective gave his permission to ask you to join us," Kim explained.
Reassured that everything was alright with Oliver, Alex nodded and stood up.
"In that case I'll be more than happy to join the two of you," Alex said.
The two women walked back into the living room and Alex took her usual spot on the couch, while Kim sat back in the chair she earlier occupied.
"Oliver and I were discussing the diary, what goes right and what Oliver has some problems with. I have a few things I'd like to talk about with the two of you. Oliver told me that he has problems with his own body and he thinks they won't go away after his transition is completed. It's up to him when he wants to talk about it with you. I'm giving you an assignment, Detective, that I also want Alex to do.
Based on the assignment you are doing together, which is going better than expected, and Oliver's wishes, I have a new one to add. But only if the both of you agree with it.
Let's start with the assignment related to Oliver's body, shall we?" Kim asked, after explaining what the rest of the session would be about.
"Ok Doc," Oliver answered.
"Yes," Alex answered.
"Alright. To know your body, Detective, you have to know how it feels. You would think that's easy because you have seen it and touched it all your life but that's not really knowing your body. You don't know how it feels when you concentrate on what you are feeling, or how it feels when your partner, or in this case your fiancé Alex, touches it when you're focused.
So here's what I want you to do or Alex doing it. When you take a shower or a bath, I want you to wash yourself with your hands. Not with a washcloth or sponge. And notice what you're doing and how it feels. Without touching your intimate parts. Take your time and do it at a normal pace and then slowly, feel the difference. Then you dry off yourself with a towel, hard or soft and switch it, again concentrate on how it feels to your body, the difference between hard and soft. Now you need to take the time to do this, so when you're in a hurry and you want to take a quick shower it's not the time to do this.
The second part is that I want you to lay down on your bed or the couch, at least as long as you can't stay on your feet for a longer period, after that you may choose whatever you want. Then close your eyes, it's easier to concentrate when your eyes are closed, and touch yourself again. Where does your body feel soft and where not, is it warm or cold, is your skin smooth or is there hair. Those sort of things. Don't expect anything, it's a journey of discovering your body, get to know it. After that you do it again but this time you're going to search for spots that feel nice and what kind of touching feels nice. Remember it's about what feels nice, it's not about what feels arousing. The goal of this is to get to know your body and to find out what feels nice or not and learning to enjoy it.
I want you to do this 3 times a week, twice with your own hands and once with Alex's hands. Keep in mind that it's supposed to help you, so when you're having a bad day don't do it, or when it doesn't feel good and you think you're going to panic, stop.
Pick a time you know you won't get disturbed. No visitors, expected phone calls, things like that. Take the time, for example take an hour to complete the assignment. If there's another part of your body that may be a trigger, you avoid it. Discuss it up front which area's you want to avoid beside the intimate parts, this includes your breasts, for as long as you still have them of course.
It will take some time, but it will help, Detective. Now are there any questions either one of you want to ask about this?" Kim finished.
Alex looked at Oliver, a bit worried.
"Liv, do you want to do this? Do you think you are ready for it?" Alex asked softly.
"I trust Kim, Alex. If she thinks this might help me, help us, then I'm willing to give it a try. To answer your questions, yes I do want to do this. Am I ready for it? We can take this as slow or as fast as I can handle or want, or how we want it. That doesn't mean I'm not nervous, but I trust you...with my life, Lex. I know you would never hurt me. So yes, I think I'm ready for this, or as ready as I can be that is." Oliver answered.
When Alex looked into Oliver's eyes, the blonde could see that Oliver meant everything he just said. She could see the trust he had in her in those beautiful brown orbs.
"Alright, then we'll do it." Alex said.
Kim smiled at the interaction between the couple. It was so obvious how much they trusted each other, and how much they loved each other. The blonde Dr. knew Oliver had a long way to go, as did Alex, but she really had faith that they would get there.
"No questions?" Kim asked.
Both Oliver and Alex shook their head.
"I don't have any questions for now." Alex answered.
Oliver snorted at Alex's comment. The Detective knew that the attorney would come up with more questions than Kim would like, once they were actually doing the assignment. Alex raised one eyebrow at Oliver, but she didn't say anything. She knew why her fiancé snorted and he probably was right about it .
"Alright, let's go to the second and last subject for this session, the diary that the two of you are keeping and what Oliver wishes to do.
Detective, you're making much more progress than one could expect. I read that you even initiated a couple of 'kissing sessions' when you two weren't doing the assignment. I also read that with Alex you don't flinch that much anymore. You're doing it very well, I'm proud of you Oliver. You are at a very difficult point in your life, being sexually assaulted, assaulted and in the middle of a transition, and you keep improving every week.
Alex, I know you want to wait for Oliver to be ready to take the next step in your romantic relationship, that you want to wait to make love until Oliver is ready to receive. However, while Oliver may not be ready to take the next step in the receiving process, yet, I do think he is ready to take the next step for the giving part. And I believe it would help him to get there to take the next step to receive some more intimated touches. And to build up his self esteem more. What Oliver wishes, or wants to do is to take the next step and starting to touch you when you are kissing or doing your assignment. And occasionally he wants to try out how far he can go and enjoy it without panicking or feeling nervous about it.
I think the big question is for you Alex. Are you willing to do this assignment or should it happen spontaneously, allow it to happen?" Kim asked.
To say that Alex was shocked would be an understatement. The younger blonde was stunned with what Kim just told her. The Doctor was right, Alex wanted to wait until Oliver was ready to take the next step in their relationship, making love equally, not just Oliver making love to her. But to be honest the blonde ADA also thought that Oliver didn't want to take the next step on a physical level yet, as far as it concerned herself. Now Alex had a dilemma to resolve. One side of it was that she really wanted to wait until they could take the next step for the both of them. That didn't mean she doesn't get aroused or turned on by the brunette Detective, because she does. And that is what's causing the other side of said dilemma. Alex was willing to do what Kim asked from her and what her fiancé wished for. But, she was afraid that at some point she would get more aroused than Oliver was ready for. And she didn't want to 'help' herself. Not anymore, not now that she was romantically involved with the love of her life, the man she was about to marry.
Oliver and Kim saw the internal battle Alex was fighting and gave the blonde the time to figure it out for herself. They patiently waited for Alex to be ready to make her decision and tell them what she would decide.
While Alex was thinking about it, she also thought about the fact that she was willing to anything that would make Oliver happy, that he deserved the world on a silver platter. And that same thought was what made her decision easy.
"All I want is for you to be happy, Liv. To give you everything you want and more importantly, what you deserve. So if this is what you want, then I think this is the right thing to do," Alex answered slowly.
"Alex, you hesitated, could you tell us why?" Kim asked gently.
Alex's face got red and swallowed hard before she was able to answer the question.
"I... um... I am afraid that I will get so turned on and that it will be too much for Oliver, that he won't be ready for that," Alex answered, her face getting the color of an tomato.
Before either woman realized what happened, Oliver had pulled Alex with an unexpected force towards him that the blonde ended up on the Detective's lap, and he kissed the ADA passionately. By the time they both needed air, Alex was kissed senseless by her Detective and Kim was smiling widely. Oliver's actions left little doubt to whether or not he was ready for what Alex was afraid of. The Detective regained his breath before he spoke again.
"Are you still afraid of me not being ready or did I took that fear away?" Oliver asked.
Alex turned to look at Oliver with glazed eyes and dilated pupils.
"Huh? What?" Alex mumbled incoherently.
Kim laughed and stood up. She gathered her things and turned around to face Oliver.
"I think now is a good time to leave the two of you alone. It seems to me that you just kissed Alex senseless and with what I just witnessed, I have no doubt that the two of you will work it out. Have a nice weekend Detective and I'll see you again on Monday at our usual time. I let myself out again, as you seem to you have your hands full at the moment." Kim smiled at Oliver.
"You think so?" Oliver replied dryly.
"Have a nice weekend Doc." Oliver said with a smile.
Kim mock saluted the Detective and turned around to walk to the door, when she suddenly turned back.
"I almost forgot, Lisa asked me to tell you that if you want to talk with her, she would be more than happy to talk with you. Think about it and if you want to accept her offer, let me know." Kim said.
"Thank you, Doc. I'll think about it. Now go home, I have a fiancé I need to get back to earth before our friends show up," Oliver playfully chastised Kim.
"Alright, alright. I'm gone already." Kim laughed and the blonde Doctor disappeared from Oliver's view.
As soon as Kim had left, Oliver turned his attention back to the younger blonde on his lap.
"Earth to Alex. Are you alright, honey?" Oliver smiled, as he looked at Alex.
Alex blinked with her eyes and shook her head.
"Wow... that was ...amazing, Liv. Where the hell did that came from, Detective?" Alex asked, slowly getting back her focus.
Oliver shrugged with his shoulders while he smiled smugly at Alex.
"Don't know, but I think I made it clear you don't have to worry about me not being ready," Oliver quipped.
"No shit, Detective," Alex said, as she shook her head for the second time.
Oliver looked intensively at Alex as he got serious again.
"I trust you Lex, I know what you are afraid of, but it won't happen. You will never hurt me or push it to far. If anything it should be the other way around. I can't promise I will never freak out, but I can promise it will never, ever be your fault, Counselor," Oliver said softly.
Alex's stormy blue eyes were getting watery and she just leaned forward again to kiss Oliver herself when the door bell rang. Alex slowly stood up and sighed, throwing her hands up in frustration.
"There's one thing those two will never learn...getting a sense of good timing," Alex muttered, as she walked out of the living room.
Oliver just threw his head back and burst out in laughter.