This Delicate Thing We've Made

genre: Romance

rated: M

Chapter 16: Roses

"What if I told you that I had regrets, I would trade in all my happiness for one last kiss
For a moment or two lying by your side
What if I chose a road nobody walked, if I uttered promises with empty talk
If I knew back then the things that I know now
I would tell you that I love you then we'd all get low
There are peaks and there are valleys, you've got to have known
A second chance, it rarely comes around

You can't smell the roses when you're gone
So live every moment like it's the last night on earth"

The ride to S.T.A.R. Labs had been a blur, words and procedures Len couldn't pay attention to, unable to focus on anything but the slight fogging of the oxygen mask that told him Barry was still breathing and to the sound of the heart monitor, however erratic it was, that told him that heart he loved so deeply was still beating.

Before they were even halfway to their destination Barry had been on oxygen, given medication to increase the function of his heart and to improve his blood pressure, and received a unit of blood. As they entered the towering building, Ralph guided the paramedics through the corridors of S.T.A.R. Labs while Len followed closely behind the gurney. When they finally arrived at the medbay, Caitlin was waiting, prepped and fully set up, Iris and Cisco in scrubs ready to assist the doctor. Len was having a hard time leaving Barry's side as the paramedics transferred him from their stretcher to the gurney set up in the center of the room. They asked Caitlin if she needed assistance which she politely declined. When Barry started coughing violently and fresh blood escaped from his lips as Caitlin affixed their own supply to his mask, Len surged forward, hovering over the bed before Caitlin tried to push him away, ordering him out of the operation room.

"This needs to be a sterile environment and you're the last thing I need to worry about now. I'm sorry, out of my medbay!" Caitlin ordered with finality, pointing to the observation room and ending the shouting match between them as she went back to triaging her patient. With a glance down at the injured man on the gurney, Len knew she was right. He couldn't help Barry right now, he had to leave it to the people that could. It didn't stop him from storming out of the room with a slam of the door though.

An hour later found Cecile joining him and Ralph, watching, waiting. Two hours after that, Iris left the medbay, scrubs stained, face drawn with weary, eyes on the brink of tears.

"He's stable for now. Caitlin just needs Cisco now so I," Iris' voice faltered, her brow furrowed as she glanced down at the blood on her gloves and clothes, "I have to shower. You'll get me if anything happens?"

Cecile nodded with a sympathetic smile as Iris left and Len found himself both jealous that she had been allowed in there to help but also grateful that he hadn't. He couldn't imagine having to perform under these circumstances, something she wasn't prepared or trained in other than the minimal emergency training from Caitlin for situations like this that was too much for one person. And everything about this situation was too much. Caitlin being essentially a one-man surgical team, Cisco and Iris stepping into roles as nurses, the pain and torment Barry went through, his family left behind to watch and wait.

Joe had finally joined them shortly after Iris fled to take a shower, having gotten here as soon as he was sure Mardon was secure at CCPD.

"That was stupid what you did, going alone," Joe scolded as he walked up to stand beside him, no heat but plenty of frustration. "Selfless, but stupid."

"Nothin' selfless about it detective," Len shook his head before turning away from the observation window. "Loving him is the most selfish thing I've ever done."

He left then, the observation room too crowed of people huddled together watching Barry fight for his life, the observation room to close to watching Caitlin and Cisco work but also not close enough to Barry. He tried escaping to the Cortex but it felt small all of a sudden, his legs too long and pacing strides too much for the crowded space, so he relocated to the hall outside. The deserted corridor provided the space he needed, away from the others who were also experiencing the same emotional turmoil he was, away from the observation room where he just couldn't bear to watch anymore.

Iris returned after thirty minutes or so, freshly showered. Gone were the scrubs as she strode the length of the hall towards him, clad in leggings and an oversized sweater, hair drying in its natural curls. She came over to him, embraced him fully. At first, Len couldn't find the strength to lift his arms and return the hug nor the instinct to pull away. But eventually, he wrapped his arms loosely around her slim waist and he felt her squeeze him a little tighter, the feeling of a stuttering breath against his neck. He was more surprised how comforted he felt by her presence, that true feeling of not being alone, than he was by the embrace itself.

Len couldn't help but lose himself in a moment of awe of her quiet strength, admiration of her natural beauty, and acknowledging the grace she had to embrace his relationship with Barry. She was the only person in the world who probably fully appreciated just the wonder that was Barry Allen, who knew what it was like to love and be loved by him. They had a bond, Len and Iris, a shared connection forged only by being privy to the unique and rare beauty of being in Barry's orbit. She had known his body, his heart, his fears, his soul just as Len did now, but she had known him first. Having her blessing and encouragement was probably not only a relief to Barry, but Len found it to be a relief and comfort to himself. She was an important part of Barry's story, and Len was appreciative to now have her be a part of his own.

When she eventually pulled away she gave him a sad, knowing smile with a sympathetic kiss on his cheek before going to seek comfort with her father, leaving Len to continue his pacing, still stressed but feeling less lost.

Between the fourth and fifth hour of watching and waiting, Len's emotions were ricocheting between grief and anger, violently bouncing back and forth with no chance of maintaining the self-control he was customary to. Len didn't stray far still, despite the desperate need for air, for space. But he needed to be in earshot, the hallway allowing a stride to his pacing that matched his thinking process, occasionally peering through the small square of glass at the door that led into the medbay. Before they hit the five-hour mark, Caitlin emerged, Cisco insisting on being the one to stay behind as he cleaned Barry's face of blood and dirt, to make his friend look like himself again, to clean away the remnants of the experience so he could see the hope through the horror. Len and Ralph joined them in the observation room immediately as Caitlin took a deep breath, taking a moment to collect her thoughts. There was a lot of information to give, some of it not good, and all of it difficult because everyone gathered loved Barry in their own way. Including her.

"He's stable," she announced and the room filled with releases of held breaths sighs of gratitude. "He suffered a gunshot wound to the right knee from behind. We removed the bullet fragments but it severely fractured the bones in the joint. We operated and were able to wire it together. I have him in a rigid hinged knee brace that he'll need to be in for a little while but with physical therapy and his powers, he should regain full use in time. He would have bled out if the blood flow hadn't been staunched but the injury was infected. Thankfully he hasn't gone septic. We're treating it with antibiotics."

Len could feel his hand going numb with the tightness of his clenched fist. He kept his composure, looking slightly over Caitlin's head as she spoke as if waiting for the man they were discussing to just get up and walk through the door, assuring them all he was fine. But he didn't, wouldn't. And so Caitlin continued.

"He has a fracture in his left wrist, most likely from struggling with the restraints, as well as a severe fracture to his left clavicle. Xrays confirm it was a shoulder separation, not a dislocation. My guess is it started off as a ligament being torn, the AC joint a partial separation from blunt force but constant strain put on the injury from being pulled at while he was bound, it created a complete separation. I was able to repair it with arthroscopic surgery which is less invasive and should heal in no time when his powers kick in. Normally I would have left that kind of injury up to his healing abilities because surgery isn't always necessary with this degree of separation but his system is severely compromised and I didn't want to risk future complications by leaving it untreated. Combined with the hairline fracture to his wrist and a deep gash on his bicep I opted for an immobilizer sling for the considerable damage to his left arm."

Len couldn't help but imagine what Mardon had done to Barry to separate his shoulder, an injury that was then exacerbated by being pulled and strained and tied and overextended for days with Barry unable to get free. And it was clear he had tried, fracturing his left wrist trying to do so. Caitlin described the enflamed ligature marks on both wrists, deep, rubbed raw nearly down to the bone. His jeans managed to protect his ankles from a similar reaction to the bindings but both were swollen. He tried to focus on her words as she talked about the bruising on his torso, the four fractured ribs, bilateral pulmonary contusions, the hairline skull fracture, and concussion but got little relief when she tried to reassure them there was no sign of hematoma or hemorrhaging. The stab wounds to both palms, the deep gashes in the forms of x's on his chest, and the cuts of various lengths and depths, some that needed stitches, some that didn't, Len had seen first hand but still listened intently as Caitlin reported them. As she described the injuries, in his mind's eye he could see them happening all over again, the pain in Barry's eyes, the dull shine of the blade as it cut through his beautiful skin, the scarlet of the blood.

"He was coughing up blood," Len added suddenly, finally meeting her eyes as he interrupted with the immediate thought. She nodded in response, taking a deep breath.

"The blood was a combination of a deep cut in his lip and from a cut on the inside of his cheek. Believe it or not, even with the abuse he took, there was no harm to his chest to cause hemorrhaging internally. The coughing itself is most likely from bruising on his lungs. We have to keep a close eye on his lungs, we don't want it to develop into pneumonia."

"Pneumonia?" Joe asked, his tone conveying the exhaustion and incredulity they were all feeling at the list of injuries, at the state of the one they all loved, knowing what he endured and went through to get to where he was now.

"He has four fractured ribs and bruising on both lungs. It reduces the amplitude of breathing and just sets the body up for infections, not even taking into consideration the conditions he was kept in or what was done to him to hinder his breathing," Caitlin's resolve started to finally break, her eyes welling as her list went from clinical to speculative, from facts to imagination, from patient to friend. "You add blood loss, malnutrition, and stress to that, it'll be a miracle he doesn't develop pneumonia. He was having trouble breathing when he came in and he..he stopped breathing twice."

Ralph moved forward and embraced Caitlin, holding her tight as she tried to regain her composure, finding strength from the comfort rather than the permission to break down.

"Thank you, Caitlin," Iris said, gripping her father's hand tight in her own, a hand she had held from the moment Caitlin walked through the door.

"I'm going to keep him intubated while he's under and until he's strong enough to breathe on his own. He's not out of the woods yet," the doctor confessed as she pulled away from Ralph's embrace, holding out a supporting hand that gripped his arm affectionately.

"Joe, we need to photograph the injuries before he starts healing," Cecile stated gently, her hand rubbing up and down the base of Joe's spine, reassuring, grounding. "I need to document them for the case against Mardon."

"I have to change his bandages so now might be the time," Caitlin said as sensitively as she could.

"I'll help, Cecile, " Ralph offered. He'd had some experience from his time at CCPD. There was something dehumanizing about reducing a living, breathing human to evidence, even harder when it was someone you cared about but he couldn't imagine doing it to your child. The relief on Joe's face was instantaneously gratifying, Ralph knowing that he'd made the right call.

"Wait, I need to speak with Caitlin and Joe alone," Len interrupted, voice firm. He could see Iris ready to protest but as she caught his eye, she stopped herself.

"Ralph, I think Camilla has a spare camera in Cisco's lab you can use rather than your phone," Iris indicated with her head to follow him. She wanted to know what Len knew, but something in his face told her that whatever it was was a painful and private matter. She grabbed Ralph's wrist instead of waiting for him to follow, shushing him as he tried to protest.

Once they left, Len glanced at Cecile, waiting.

"I'm Barry's lawyer. I need to know everything," she matched his stare and Len suddenly remembered why she had been known as D.A. Ce-Seal-Your-Fate Horton. His eyebrow raised in acquiescence and he crossed his arms over his chest, gathering himself a moment as he was about to share the implication of the video during Barry's abduction he was the only one privy to.

"You need to do a sexual assault kit," Len said, eyes locked with Cecile's until the women closed them, grief and anger taking hold as she realized the implications.

"You think Mardon..." Caitlin started, shocked.

"I know. I just don't know how far it got," he moved his eyes to Joe then, feeling the seething anger radiate off the older man standing across from him.

"And just how do you know that?" He accused.

"Mardon sent me a video-"

Any further explanation was cut off as Joe surged at him, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket and pushing him back against the glass wall.

"And you're just telling me this now? That's my kid!" Joe raged.

"Which is exactly why I didn't show you," Len tried to say as evenly as he could, not pulling away from the grip Joe had on him.

"You had no right to keep anything from me," Joe shouted, gripping the lapels tightly, inches from Len's face and Len could see the tears in his eyes. He wasn't angry at him, not really. Len was here and Mardon wasn't.

"If I thought it was necessary or helpful in finding him I would have shown you."

"That is not your decision to make! He's my son!"

"And it would have crushed him knowing you'd seen it!" Len finally shouted back but still not pushing Joe away. "The video was Mardon touching him, taunting him, but it cut out before revealing if he'd done anything else. But I know it would have hurt Barry so deeply for you to have to watch that. I couldn't-."

Joe dropped his grip as Len's voice faltered.

"I couldn't protect him from Mardon. I had to," Len's voice hitched as Joe backed away. "I had to do something for him."

Joe looked at him for a long moment, studying, if Len had to describe it. But he just nodded at him before turning to Cecile. She reached out a hand for Joe to grip tightly. Len watched the wordless exchange before Joe pulled away to collapse into a nearby chair, hands bracing the back of his head as he let it hang between his knees. Cecile wiped a stray tear from her eye and then came over to him.

"I understand why you did what you did," her voice soft, gentle, as compassionate as the hand that reached out to clasp his forearm. "I can feel why you did it. But I need to see it, as his lawyer."

"When he wakes up, I'll ask him," Len whispered back, willing to her understand his reasoning. When she smiled sadly at him and gave him a single nod he felt relieved.

"When can we be with him?" Joe asked before Cecile and Caitlin cleared the doorway to the medbay.

"Soon, I promise. But you both need to shower and change first. I can't have you in there with him like that. " Caitlin promised, watching as both Len and Joe looked down at themselves, the dried blood, the dirt, as if both of them forgot where they'd been a just a few hours ago.

She knew it was killing Joe to not be by Barry's side. He'd been there for him for nine months, for his broken back, as he tried to learn to walk again, after his extended stint in Flashtime, and every painful night as bones stitched together or wounds healed, usually with Iris by his side. And when they couldn't, Caitlin and Cisco would. But as she turned to follow Cecile into the medbay, she caught a glimpse of Leonard Snart, saw the anxiousness and worry on his usually stoic face and Caitlin knew that he'd be another one to add to the list of people she'd have to convince to go home and get some rest, remind to eat or shower, to force to take care of themselves instead of spending all hours by Barry's bedside. And he'd be another one to add to the list that ignored the advice.

Len knew every curve and every line of Barry Allen's body. Like the seconds of a perfectly timed heist, he knew his rhythm. He'd spent the better part of the last six months of what Barry would some times joke as a hands-on study session. Len couldn't help but be fascinated by his lover; the way he communicated with his words, eyes, body, and telegraphed his emotions. He'd tried to become adept at recognizing the differences in his heartbeat when he held him close, the hitches in his breathing, notice the color shift in his vibrant hazel eyes to gage what he was feeling, attempting to understand the intricacies and idiosyncrasies of Barry Allen. He was simultaneously a simple man and an enigma that Len tried so desperately to comprehend to his fullest. Len wanted to be able to give everything to his lover, memorizing the pleasure points, cataloging Barry's responses to the different ways Len held or kissed him, the reactions to his words. He hadn't been able to anticipate what Barry coming into his life would mean to him, so he wanted to never take a moment for granted for all he'd given to him.

But this, Len had no idea what he could possibly give to him now. It was like every curve and line was broken, his rhythm disrupted. His eyes closed, body still, silent, heartbeat irregular and identified by the beep of the monitor, his breathing in a carefully timed rise and fall of his chest directed by a machine and accompanied by an unnatural hiss. He looked so small, so young, so broken, and Len felt lost.

Len hadn't left the chair to right of Barry's bedside for the better part of two days now. The bruising on Barry's face had deepened somewhat but having been cleaned up, the blood and dirt wiped away, he looked a considerable amount better than he had before. Lying so still and pale, the wires from his chest, the tube sticking out of his mouth, bandaging on so much of his exposed skin, arm in a sling, made him look defenseless.

"He's holding his own. His vitals are stable but the next twenty-four hours are critical," Caitlin had reassured them when they had finally been allowed into the medbay two days ago.

They had all entered the lab with soft steps, as if afraid to wake the unconscious man. Joe and Len both made long strides towards the bed, Len immediately moving to his side on the right while Joe stood by the head of the left side of the bed.

Len went to hold Barry's right hand but the palm and wrists were wrapped heavily in gauze, protecting the stab wound through the palm and lacerations around his wrists from the rope. A glance up across the bed and Len witnessed Joe with the same hesitation, Barry's left hand wrapped in gauze from palm to wrist, more wrapped around his bicep, and the arm tightly secured to his body in the sling, stabilizing his injured arm and shoulder.

Len glanced down at Barry again, settling on resting his hand gently on Barry's right forearm, squeezing it ever so slightly. Unsure if it was meant to let Barry know he was here with him or meant to ground himself instead, reassuring himself that Barry was with him.

"When will he wake up?" Joe asked, voicing the question that had just entered Len's mind. Len looked up at him again as Joe reached a gentle hand to push back the hair flopped over Barry's brow, mindful of the small bandage over the gash on the right temple, the white gauze standing out in stark contrast against the bruising around it. It wasn't nearly as vibrant as the butterfly bandages on his split left cheekbone, the skin beneath and around it dark blue and purple against the slight pink flush of his fevered cheeks.

"He's still under the effects of the anesthesia and I want to keep him sedated so we can reduce the strain on his organs. He has another twelve hours to go and then I'm going to stop the drip and see how he responds. But even after the sedation wears off it may take several hours to a day for him to wake," Caitlin reported as she placed the stethoscope in her ears, They watched as she pulled down the blanket, exposing his bare torso to listen to his heart and lungs.

The sight of Barry's midsection took Len off guard, the discoloration and bruising were apparent on the few spots of skin that weren't covered in bandaging. His damaged ribs were wrapped, some of the cuts stitched and covered, some exposed but with butterfly bandages. Len must have made a sound or a sigh because Caitlin looked up quickly at him, her expression an empathetic understanding of his distress and concerns because she felt it too.

"They'll heal," she promised, pulling the blanket back up over his chest.

"How long will it take for him to start healing?" Iris asked from the foot of his bed, tears in her eyes as she lay a soft hand on Barry's left blanketed calf. The blanket tented over where his right leg was propped up on pillows supporting the injured limb. Len knew it was heavily bandaged and braced even though they couldn't see it and even though he'd seen the injury, he was grateful it was currently obscured.

"Barry went five days without food and water. The human body can survive up to twenty-one days without food and water but for someone with Barry's metabolism he requires at least three times the normal person just to sustain himself," Cisco answered, voice strained, arms crossed in a self hug. He hadn't spoken much since they brought Barry home, so unlike the scientist who was always quick to cut the tension with a joke or remark. But this whole thing shook him to the core, much like it did them all. He wasn't a doctor like Caitlin but he'd become an expert at speedster needs early on in their journey as Team Flash, studied quite a bit about metabolism and the theoretical needs of a speedster when he created the high-calorie protein bars for Barry. "Even with his powers dampened, his DNA is still transformed. Even if he's not using his powers, he needs to still be sustained. The five days he went without food and water may as well have been two weeks."

"Cisco's right. Even without the extra energy tax using his powers causes on his body, his metabolic rate and thus consumption would drop way down," Caitlin took over as she notated Barry's vitals on her tablet. "Malnutrition inhibits your body's ability to fight infections which is why we're going to have to monitor his breathing closely. It also delays wound healing so it's going to be days before we can even hope for his healing powers to kick in. The good news about his system being compromised, we'll be able to keep him on painkillers and antibiotics for longer than usual."

The collective sigh from the room spoke volumes to Len. These people had become so accustomed to watching Barry suffer through the pain of his injuries, even though they were temporary by his accelerated healing. Any semblance of relief for Barry brought a sense of relief to all of them. Len could actually feel the pang in his heart at the thought that anyone else was feeling what he was at seeing Barry like this. In his head, he knew these people had loved him longer than he himself had but he also found the thought that anyone could love him as much as he did unfathomable. But here he was, surrounded by people who loved Barry Allen, and Len found himself comforted in the knowledge that not only would Barry never be alone as he healed, but that neither would Len.

He was never one to feel comfortable with a community. Until the Legends, his whole life had been about survival mode, Lisa and Mick in his orbit of people he needed to keep safe but the three of them were never a family in the traditional sense. Team Flash wouldn't be defined as a traditional family either, but everything that you would associate with one, love, safety, trust, comfort, friendship, it was all radiating from them for each other that you could feel it surrounding them, emanating like an aura. But he began to feel it working with Sara and Ray and the team and in falling into Barry's orbit, he now felt himself pulled into this community. It was a strange sensation, transforming from feeling like he was the outsider to feeling accepted, their shared love and grief and pain tying them to each other as they waited for Barry to rejoin them.

As the hours went on since they were first allowed in, Len noticed a hesitance to some of Team Flash's actions. Iris explained it to him that usually when Barry was in this kind of condition, it was because he was the Flash, not the victim of a violent crime. They usually didn't have to photograph or catalog his injuries for a report. They didn't usually need to bag up his clothing immediately for the CCPD Crime Scene Unit.

Len also suspected they'd never had to collect samples for sexual assault kit. When he had mentioned it, he saw the instantaneous reaction on Caitlin, Joe, and Cecile's face and body the same time he felt the band around his own chest tighten. They agreed not to tell Cisco, Ralph or Iris, that it was Barry's choice whether to share or not, regardless of the results. Len never thought he'd be grateful for the former District Attorney, but after Ralph had taken the photos of the injuries, she had asked him to leave and walked Caitlin through the procedure, handled it all with the professionalism of the seasoned lawyer and the tenderness of a mother. That tempered glass strength shattered though when after the exam Caitlin revealed to Len, Joe, and Cecile that there were no donor samples from the swabs they'd taken, no signs of physical trauma like tears or fissures in his throat or rectum, no indication of forced penetration. They wouldn't know for sure till they spoke to Barry but they all cried as they released their held breaths when Caitlin delivered the results. Cecile had hugged Joe tightly, tears down her face as suddenly the prosecutor melted away, leaving a woman giving in to her emotions. Cecile was nowhere close to being Barry's mother, never claimed to be once or gave the impression that she felt that way, but the gentle touches and soft looks she gave while Caitlin worked expressed that a maternal love for the young man, the man her partner viewed as his son, was very much there.

While Len sat by Barry's bedside, rarely leaving unless he had to, he watched each member of Barry's team, his family, move around him, never once asking Len to get up so they could take his place. He felt like he belonged by Barry's bedside, but to feel like they felt he belonged, it gave Len a bit of peace he'd never felt before. And once again Len found himself grateful for the people that seemed to love Barry Allen as much as he did.

While Cecile was a quiet comforting prescience, Ralph and Cisco seemed to attempt the opposite. When Ralph would visit he would move around the room as he talked, touching things he probably shouldn't, reminding 'Rookie' of everything he was missing while he slept. Cisco would sit on a wheelie chair, spinning as he spoke of all the updates he was making to Barry's suit, S.T.A.R. Labs satellite, and an idea he had for being able to track to Team Flash. The scientist didn't spend a lot of time in the medbay, Len could see how uncomfortable it was for him to see Barry like this, so Len assumed he was spending his time in his lab trying to come up with more ways to keep his friends safe, doing something that made him feel useful in a situation that made them all feel helpless.

Iris would sit for hours, talking to Len about Barry as if he was awake and could participate. He assumed it was from years of practice of sitting by his bedside that it seemed to come so naturally to her to balance her casual tone with soft touches to Barry's shoulder, a perfectly placed kiss on the uninjured cheek when she'd enter or before she'd leave, the ease in which she shared stories of her friend with fond looks at the prone body and not succumbing to her worry and grief. Len found her company the most welcoming, enjoying his time with her. It surprised him by how at ease he was with his lover's ex. She was kind and strong, supportive of Barry and Len's relationship so genuinely. And she seemed to take joy in sharing stories of Barry with him like she wanted Len in on the experience of her life growing up with Barry.

"I wish I had a photo or something so you could see him, four foot nothing Barry, face streaked in grease and hair singed, a horrified expression on his face when his robot started sparking," Iris laughed, clapping her hands at the memory she had just shared of Barry's science fair project in the fourth grade that had gone terribly wrong. They were into their third hour of bedside vigil together, well past three a.m. and neither could tear themselves away to sleep. So Len sat on Barry's right side, as usual, wrapped hand tenderly held between both of Len's atop the mattress. Iris sat on Barry's left further down by Barry's hip as to not accidentally jar his injured left arm.

"So he never could just take the easy way, huh?" Len laughed back, smiling up at Iris from across the bed before shifting his gaze to smile down at Barry, wishing he would wake up and join in on the story. But Barry was still unconscious, stable enough to no longer be on the ventilator but after nearly two days they were still waiting for him to wake up.

"He was trying to impress my dad," Iris' smile faltered slightly, shifting with her emotions as the joyful memory turned a little more somber. "They had a rough start when he first came to live with us, I mean Barry had just gone through a huge trauma, couldn't see his father and my dad had just taken on a huge responsibility. But eventually, it changed, Barry started talking again and eating again and he and my dad started to spend more time together. But maybe like six months into his time with us, we were watching this family-friendly sports movie from the '90s together-"

Len glanced up at her quizzically, and she had to chuckle.

"It was definitely my pick. Barry always chose stuff like Star Wars or Jurassic Park or Back to the Future," she rolled her eyes before glimpsing down at Barry, her hand unable to stop itself from reaching out to lay gently on Barry's left leg. "It was this story about angels and baseball but the thing I remember the most was the kid in the movie was a foster kid, left behind by a father who couldn't take care of him. The kid was helping the coach of a baseball team win the pennant. By the end of the movie, the coach cared so much about the kid and adopts him. I remember my dad being in tears. But afterward, Barry was quiet again for days. He'd spend all day in the garage working on his science project, would go out of his way to do extra chores before Dad came home from work. Turns out after the science experiment went horribly wrong, Barry confessed to wanting to prove to my dad that he was worth the trouble, that he would be worth taking him in like that kid who helped the coach."

Len could just picture the wheels turning in young Barry's head; he'd seen the same thing in the adult. So dedicated to the people he loved, so eager to be the best version of himself for everyone else, never realizing how enough, how so enough he was just by being him.

"My dad told him he took him in, sat by his bed at night, loved him, because of exactly who he was, not what Barry thought he had to be. There was nothing to prove," Iris smiled with tears in her eyes as she gently stroked the blanket-covered leg. Len didn't say anything as he watched her get lost in her own thoughts for a moment before she shook her head and swiped at the fallen tears. "Sorry, I don't know if that's a story he would have wanted me to share."

"If it helps, he told me a version of that story about a week ago. He didn't mention the movie but he told me about the science experiment that went awry. Right after your dad found out about us," Len sighed, remembering the conversation. It was the day after the mess at the precinct, Joe refusing to take his calls had Barry's anxiety through the roof, pacing the living room before Len finally got him to settle on the couch in his arms. He'd spent the night telling Len story after story about growing up and how much he appreciated what Joe had done for him, and that disappointing him was something he was terrified of, even if he thought Joe was wrong. "So he's always been like that? Completely unaware of how much he means to people."

"Oh yeah. One of the child psychologists that had helped Barry in the beginning explained it to us that it was part of his PTSD, of losing his mom so violently, of suddenly having his dad ripped away. For years Barry craved his father's love and presence, all his focus on the parent he had remaining and what he could do for Henry. The doctor said that when a child is forced into that, the child loses sight of their own emotions and needs, which unfortunately carries into adulthood. Even with all the love and support my dad and I gave him, you can't overwrite trauma. All we could do was hope to help him heal."

"From what I've heard, you guys did just that. He told me how grateful he is to have grown up in the West home. He gives Joe a lot of credit for the man he is today," Len's gaze didn't leave Iris, getting ready to say something he wasn't sure how it would be taken, uncertain if he should even voice it. But as his thumb delicately ran over Barry's knuckles, back and forth, grateful that Barry's hand was his to hold, Len felt like he had to express his gratitude as well. "He says he owes you both his life. And I feel like I do too."

It was Iris' turn to look at him with confusion.

"You're quite a remarkable woman Iris West-Allen. And I don't think he could love me the way he does if he didn't love you first. So thank you."

Len's tone was the softest she'd ever heard from the man. She wasn't sure if it was the words, the sentiment, or the surge of joy she felt suddenly knowing that the boy she'd loved her whole life, who had been a man she had been fortunate enough to to be in love with for a time, a man who would forever hold a place in her heart, was loved so fully by the man in front of her. It brought tears to her eyes and she could feel her heart extend love towards Len, knowing that he loved her best friend, that he respected their relationship and history and herself as a person, she was thrilled he was part of their family now. She wanted him to know how much it meant to her. And although she addressed Len, she looked at Barry as she spoke.

"He was timid at the beginning of our relationship, and I don't just mean the decade he kept it a secret. It was like he had to keep proving he was worth my love, my desire. And I think the fact that I was blind to it for so long is partially to blame for his hesitance, his doubt. Eventually, I was able to make him see that he was worthy of being loved for exactly who he was and then suddenly it was like he could love freely without worry, it just became him and me and god, no one loves like Barry Allen when he feels like he can use his whole heart," She sighed, swiping at the tears that had fallen. Not out of regret because of what they no longer were, but out of joy for what they still were. She knew her place in his heart was forever too. Just like their daughter. But as she looked up at Len who watched her intently as she spoke, she felt here eyes again begin to well. Even though she and Barry were no longer together she never felt incomplete but Iris had been so fearful that Barry would. And then that day in the loft she saw how he talked about the new man in his life, saw the same look reflected in Len's eyes now as he gripped so tightly to Barry's hand, and she knew he'd never have to worry about her best friend not feeling whole again. "But I've seen him do it his entire life in every relationship. Doubt, overcompensate, earnestness to prove he's worthy of a love that he is so beyond deserving of. Except with you. I've never seen him fall into a love so hard so fast and so free. You're what he needs now in his life, Len. You make him happy, you make him feel loved, and that's all I've ever wanted for my best friend. So, thank you."

Len smiled, his own eyes damp although they did not spill over like hers, and he hoped Iris understood the gratitude in his expression. The small nod of her head at him told him she did and she quickly started telling Len more stories about their childhood, trying to fill their time with memories instead of worry.

His interactions with Caitlin while he sat beside were a different experience. She was here as much as Len, albeit she was Barry's doctor as well as his friend. After the first few hours after getting Barry back, when the team started to clear out of the medbay to finally get some sleep for the first time in nearly a week, she had tried to convince him to do the same.

"Leonard. you're hurt, you need to rest yourself," she had tried to appeal to him.

"I'm not leaving this lab until he opens his eyes, Caitlin," Len had said, not an ounce of fight or hostility in his tone. That was the first and only time she had made that pitch, seeing his determination, understanding the need. He backed out of her way when she needed to check her patient's vitals, even helped when necessary to change his bandages, and she let him stay by his side over the course of the two days. She excused herself when Len would give in to his grief, felt no judgment passed when he would whisper and beg Barry to wake up.

"His vitals are strong, he's responding well since we stopped the sedatives. His respiration and heart rate are returning to normal standards, although not within his normal range but that's to be expected. No signs of infection or complications from the surgery," she had reassured as she had changed his IV bag.

"When will he wake up?" Len hated how pathetic he sounded but the sympathetic smile he got in return eased his anxiety, even if was only a little.

"When he's ready," she smiled sadly and then left him alone, a soft hand on his shoulder on her way out.

Len was grateful Caitlin had put Barry in a zip-up hoodie rather than scrubs. And even though it was unzipped and open, the bandages circling most of his torso and chest, it added a sense of normalcy despite the machines beeping and hissing. Len was alarmed by how quickly he adapted to this new normal, even after only two days. The five days Barry was missing, Len couldn't adapt. He couldn't sleep in their bed, couldn't even stay in the apartment, despite the fact that it had been his well before it had been theirs. Everything felt empty with Barry being missing and in danger. But even now, with him unconscious and healing, at least he was here. It felt like Len could breathe for the first time in five days, like he could function properly. His own heartbeat with every beep the heart monitor made of Barry's rhythm, every breath the ventilator forced into Barry's lungs with a hiss, Len's body forced an inhale. It was better than it had been, but he knew he couldn't sustain like this for much longer. He had Barry home, but now he needed him back.

Which brought him here now, fifty-three hours after Caitlin had announced that he was stable, fourteen hours since they took him off the sedatives and the ventilator. He was alone now with him, a rare moment that part of him ached for when someone else was in the room but now after days of being surrounded by people that shared his concern and pain, he felt lonely. Barry was in front of him, whole, safe, but Len felt so far away from him, like he hadn't truly brought him home yet.

"Scarlet, I'm so sorry it took me so long to find you," he whispered, leaning in close, voice shaking, a hand resting atop Barry's head, thumb stroking his temple, grazing his hairline. "I know you're hurting, I know you're tired, but it's time to wake up now. Time for the sun to come out. I need to see those eyes, I need to hear your voice. I need you."

But Barry didn't wake up, didn't move other than the slight rise and fall of his chest. What Len would give for the hand in his to flex, the eyes to flutter, even to hear him snore as he slept.

"Barry, I'm sorry," Len apologized for the umpteenth time. "I'm never going to let anyone hurt you ever again."

"Don't make promises to him you can't keep," the voice said from the doorway. Len glanced up, pulling back slightly from where he had been leaned in so close as watched Joe West enter in, weary and worn, something that looked as familiar to Len as he felt.

Len didn't say anything as Joe came to stand on the left side of Barry's bed, Len having taken up permanent residence on the right. Len watched as Joe placed a gentle hand atop Barry's head, brushing the hair back. Len heard him whisper a 'hey, Barr' as he bent over to place a kiss atop his brow.

"You'll try, you'll try to protect him, to keep him safe. I've been trying for most of his life but the universe keeps finding ways to hurt him," Joe explained as he backed away from the bed, sitting in the chair that just an hour ago had housed the man's daughter before she finally decided to go home and rest. It was midnight according to the clock on the wall but time meant nothing right now to Len, a man who spent most of his life timing things to the second. All time meant now was waiting for Barry to be okay.

Joe must just have come from CCPD where he'd spent most of the last two days as Cecile helped them build an iron-clad case against Mardon. He'd been by a handful of times and although Len was surprised by how much he enjoyed Iris' company, it didn't quite surprise him as much as how quickly his dynamic had changed with Joe West. The man was here not as often as Len would have assumed, but Iris had informed him it was only because he knew Barry had someone with him, that Joe actually sought comfort in the fact that Len was by his side; it let him focus on the case against Mardon knowing Barry had constant support. At first, Len thought Iris was just being kind, but he soon came to see that she was indeed correct.

Joe would come in, pat Len on the back before taking up the seat on the other side of the bed, sometimes bringing him a cup of coffee. No sense of hostility or animosity, and no feeling that it was forced kindness for the sake of his son. They'd come a long way in a week. Len wasn't sure if it would last when Barry finally got better, but he'd take it for what it was while he could.

"Just promise to try, to be there for him when he needs it. And even when he doesn't," Joe smiled sadly up at him and Len knew there was experience in those words that needed to be taken to heart.

"And you're okay...with me being there?" Len asked, but it wasn't for permission. He didn't need or want Joe's blessing, or anyone's for that matter. But he knew the less resistance from Barry's family, the happier Barry would be.

"Snart, I've seen this boy's heartbreak more times than any person could ever hope to bounce back from. I've had a front-row seat to watching him suffer time and time again," Joe leaned forward on his thighs, hands clasped between his knees. He didn't look at Len as he spoke, wasn't even looking at Barry but more like past him, to another time, to another version of his son and Len felt like he was in that memory with him as he continued to speak. "I was there on duty the night his mother was murdered, right next to him when he came running back into the house after watching his father be loaded into the back of a squad car and he pulled back the tarp covering his mother's body on their dining room floor. I was his ride home for years every time he had to leave his father behind in prison for a crime Barry knew Henry hadn't committed. And I was there the night picking up the pieces after his father was murdered in front of him by Zoom in the same place his mom was murdered. I watched his heart break when he discovered Wells was Thawne, when Jay was Zolomon, when he found out Nora was working with Thawne in secret and then not days later, I watched his heart shatter when she disappeared from existence."

Suddenly Joe came back from the memory, eyes meeting Len's and he could see the heartbreak he spoke of that belonged to Barry reflected in Joe's own eyes. It was a foreign concept to Len. Other than Lisa, Len had never loved anyone before himself, never felt anyone's pain as if it was his own. His life was about self-preservation, never had anyone put him as a priority. It was easier that way; with nothing to hold onto, there was nothing to lose. Until Barry Allen kissed him Len had never wanted something to hold onto before. But seeing Joe's eyes at the memory of Barry's heartbreak, his emotions so closely tied to this young man he loved, reminded Len why he'd kept that part of himself off-limits. The thought of that alone would have sent Len running long ago, but instead, wanting nothing more than be there for Barry, to make sure he never felt heartbroken again, to take away Barry's pain if it meant taking it on as his own, it made him grip the hand in his tighter. To love is to be vulnerable. He'd quoted that to Barry while they lay entangled in bed after their fight at the loft about trust and guilt. Len had told him he was ready to be vulnerable if it meant being with Barry. As Len sat here over the last few days, now entangled in the love of Barry's family, he never could have imagined it meant being vulnerable with them too.

"And then you come along, someone I don't trust, and the thought of you breaking his heart was too much. Especially so soon after he and Iris ended their marriage. I couldn't handle the idea of him being used by you, falling for you in a way that was clearly love by the way he defended you in my office that day, only to have you break his heart when you were done with him," Joe confessed, desperation for Len to understand that even though he wasn't saying it in those exact words, this was as close to an apology as Len was ever going to get. He wasn't sorry for being protective of Barry, it wasn't a misguided fear just a misinformed one because he didn't know the Leonard Snart that Barry had fallen in love with. "I was wrong."

Before Len could express gratitude or forgiveness, before he could even decide if he was going to say anything at all, a twitch of the hand between his stole all his attention. He nearly jumped out of his chair, moving to sit on the edge of the bed by Barry's hip.

"Scarlet?" Len's voice cracked, squeezing the twitching hand in his. He watched as Barry stirred slightly, turning his head slightly on the pillow as his eyelids twitched.

Len glanced up as Joe stood, watching as Barry cracked his eyes open just barely before closing them again, forehead pinched as he struggled to come awake.

"Come on, baby, let me see those eyes," Len encouraged softly, keeping one hand still squeezing Barry's encouragingly while he brushed the fingers on his left back through Barry's hair before gently traveling down the side of his face, cradling his check in his hand.

They heard Barry sigh as he leaned into the soothing touch and eyes fluttered open.

"There you are," Len smiled, unaware of the tears that began to fall. Len barely heard Joe say he was going to get Caitlin before leaving them alone in the medbay, all his attention focused on Barry who licked his lips and stared up at him, half-open eyes full of confusion. Barry tried to say what Len thought was his name but came out as nothing more than a breath. Len brought the hand in his to his lips, kissing the knuckles right above the edge of the bandages before resting the hand against his own cheek.

Barry smiled as best as he could, his own tears falling as he tried to say Len's name again, two fingers unfolding from where they were wrapped loosely wrapped around Len's and stroked the side of Len's face.

"I love you," Len whispered as he turned to kiss the hand he held against his face again and with another faint smile, Barry fell back asleep. Len wanted to shake him, to keep him awake and with him, to see those eyes and hear him try to say his name again but even though Barry had been unconscious for the last few days, Len knew he couldn't be selfish. After everything he'd been through, Barry at least deserved the rest. So Len would wait till he was ready.

He would wait forever for Barry if he had to. And he knew now unequivocally the people that Barry loved most would let him wait with them.