"Deku, don't think this changes anything ok? I'm still going to keep getting stronger, and I'm going to stay ahead of you. I will be the number one hero, and you having One for All is not gonna stop that." Kacchan exclaimed whispering the last part. Just because they had gotten over, well, whatever it was that was standing in between them, it didn't mean Kacchan was going to drop his convictions. He was still going to become the strongest, the number one hero. Just like he always said he would be, and he would definitely be better than Deku. 'Damn anyone who thought otherwise'
"Sure thing! I'm going to try my hardest too! But maybe this time...we can get stronger together?" Izuku responded with hope, looking into the blonde's eyes.
Kacchan stared back into his pupils, 'the little fucker just wouldn't stop.' Well, he decided there was no use in fighting it. "Screw it, I'm already dragged into your mess so I might as well gain something from it."
Izuku smiled back, and the two shared a small nod of agreement. They then walked right past each other, one of the two having a much brighter smile on his face.
That one, of course, was Izuku. He couldn't believe that he and Bakugou were, actually friends now. Hopefully, they were friends? To be honest, he was not so sure. But it looked a lot better than it used to be, so for that, he was grateful.
Training with him was going to be a welcome challenge, they had fought together before in the Final Exams, but who knew how training with Kacchan was going to go. Hopefully, All Might had some sort of a plan, at least that's what he hopes for. Putting the Kacchan situation on the back burner of his mind, he let himself remember what he had been thinking about before all of this.
His panic attack. Or at least his self diagnosed one. He still had anxiety over the whole One for All situation, but tonight had been a good distraction. It almost made him feel better that he had Kacchan there with him during this, getting stronger together, he didn't have to bear the burden alone.
Opting for the elevator over the stairs, eager to climb into his bed, his stress and anxiety slowly crept back with each passing second. Even with the thought of Kacchan being there with him through it all.
It was a given, Izuku thought, who wouldn't be utterly mortified to be the sole holder and keeper of the single most important quirk known to mankind. Someone can be in on the secret but that doesn't change who actually holds the power, the responsibility of this quirk. Who wouldn't be having panic attacks over whether or not he would be good enough? Or strong enough? Or if he was even worthy of such a quirk?
He felt silly.
Almost like the reality of this whole situation with All Might hadn't hit him yet. Even though he's had this quirk for a while now, it had been a lot easier knowing All Might was still there. Even though Izuku knew for a fact, that All Might was not going to be around forever. That All Might would die...everyone did.
It had been a lot easier knowing he wasn't the only one that was going to be here that held the actual power. All Might was there, he could always save him but now he was alone.
But he wasn't alone
But it felt like he was
As the young boy trudged from the elevator and grew closer to his dorm, he could feel a familiar pit in his stomach. It was happening again. Just like before, just like earlier when he had collapsed on his floor throwing up his dinner.
He could not be having another panic attack. Why? No! He was ok, he wasn't alone he knew this. So why was his body freaking out
Stop it, please
'Just think about something else Izuku! Come on, your gonna be the number one hero, you can't be having attacks like this constantly!'
Please, he didn't want to go through that again
He felt like he was burning up. His skin itched for cold air. Gasping for breath as he got to his dorm, he threw open the door and ripped his shirt off simultaneously. It was so hot, but he felt cold and lonely at the same time.
Closing the door, rather violently, and collapsing on the floor, the young boy started cursing himself at his weakness.
Why couldn't his body stop being so weak? Why was he so weak - even the strongest power couldn't help him overcome this!
Ochako was awoken from her thoughts, as the door to Deku's room was thrown open. Her eyes gaped as the green-haired boy ripped his shirt off, threw it towards her, and stumbled into the room.
Her face instantly became a tomato.
Did he forget she was in here? Why did he just throw his shirt off like that?! Why were her cheeks emitting the same amount of heat as her radiator?! WHY HADN'T SHE TAKEN HIS SHIRT OFF HER FACE!?
Slightly shaking, she removed the surprisingly damp piece of clothing from her head. The brown-haired girl had been so flustered she hadn't been able to make a single noise thus far.
Her stomach dropped however, as the boy she was just fawning over, suddenly slammed the door shut and collapsed in the middle of his room. Small curses ran out the boys lips, and his fists violently grabbed at the shag rug of the small dorm.
Her eyes widened further as she finally was able to observe her friend's condition.
His body was covered in bandages. Well, not completely covered. But there were a lot of them, and she had a pretty good guess as to where he acquired so many. His injuries, however, seemed to be the least of her problems at the moment. As he was currently hyperventilating and sweating a small pool's worth on his carpet.
Almost without thought, Ochako jumped from the desk chair and was at the boy's side. Her arm immediately wrapped around his back, and her free hand grabbed one of his. "Deku! Hey! It's ok! I'm here!" She half-whispered, half-shouted, "Deku! Please, calm down, I'm here! You're okay! I promise you! You are ok!" This was to no avail, however, as Izuku continued to hyperventilate. Barely acknowledging the girl's presence.
Not again!
She could not let him go through a complete panic attack and do absolutely nothing. But what could she do?!
"Please! Listen to me! Your ok, you're here, I'm here, your safe!" But once again this had no effect. He was panting harder than before and it seemed like he was about to pass out.
She was desperate and getting frustrated. She couldn't just let him pass out. But what could she do?!
"IZUKU!" She shouted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him violently.
His knees collapsed and he fell half into her strangled embrace. If not for the gasp for air he took, she would have thought it meant he finally passed out. She could only stare back as he looked up wide-eyed towards her. It, seemed like he hadn't realized she was there until just now. He was taking in larger breaths now, and his breathing began to slow to a normal pace.
"U...Ura...Uraraka?"
She didn't respond verbally, yet her body seemed to jump forward without her command. She was hugging him tightly now, that's when her mind finally caught up to what she had just done.
"Oh my god, I'm so so so so sorry!" She squeezed him tightly, "I didn't know what else to do! I'm so sorry Deku."
Her arms were now wrapped tightly around him, and it seemed like he was lagging a bit to respond. Finally, she could feel his head shake a bit if only a small amount as if to disagree with her words.
"U-Uraraka, it's, it's ok, thank you...thank you so much..." Heavy breaths quickly fading into small pants filled the silence that followed his voice. His head leaned into her embrace, seemingly thankful for the physical and emotional support she was offering. He almost had completely broken down from a panic attack, for the second time in one night no less. 'She had to figure out what was doing this to him.
It took a few minutes for either of them to move, only sitting on the floor wrapped in this loose, strangled embrace that barely passed as a hug. His head leaned into her stomach while her hands rested on his back pulling him closer. He had finally calmed down, his breathing stable, and his skin no longer hot to the touch.
His skin...
Oh right. They were still on the floor, hugging, Deku's shirt off. He was in her lap, with his shirt off, with her arms around him
Her entire face lit up, the heat now rising on her skin. She jerked back, not even realizing how fast she cleared his room - until she was staring at him on the floor from his wall. A sense of regret passed through her mind, she had let her embarrassment stop her from comforting him.
What kind of friend was she?
Just a week ago she was sobbing into his chest, so why couldn't she give him the same relief? Why did her feelings have to stop her from helping him? It was so wrong.
No - she wouldn't let this happen, she was going to find out what was making him have panic attacks and help him through it. It was obviously something to do with Bakugo, but from what she had overheard it seemed like that wasn't an issue anymore, right?
His breath was coming back to him, which in one sense, was a good thing. But in another, it lets him finally take note of what was actually going on. His face wore a look of confusion as he found Uraraka against his wall, hands over her face, Why was Uraraka in the corner of his room with her hands over her face? What was she doing? Was she ok? Oh- he was shirtless. And, wasn't he just in her lap?
Oh-
His face turned almost brighter than she's in that moment, it was a sight to behold. Somewhere in the back of Izuku's mind, he thought of how ridiculous this whole situation was. He had just had an anxiety attack not less than a few minutes ago, and now the girl who had helped him through it couldn't even look at him through embarrassment alone.
Not that he was any better at the moment.
The two stayed like that for a while. Maybe a few minutes. He only knew this because after around 15 seconds Uraraka uncovered her face, and had been staring at him with this look of pity mixed with regret. He couldn't place it, but she looked so sad. Like she didn't know what to do.
In that time, he was able to calm down some more, his thoughts straightening out fully. Staring back at her helped enough to actually remember what he had just been doing. He realized why she was in his room, he had completely forgotten about how he had left her there, sleeping in his bed. She probably has so many questions.
Deciding that staying like this for any longer, staring at each other with this, half awkward half comfortable silence was not going to get them anywhere. He made the first move, standing up, noticing how tired his body was, and walking over to his dresser. He pulled out a loose t-shirt and threw it on, the blush not once leaving his face. "S-Sorry."
She hadn't stopped looking at him, the look of regret in her eyes only growing. She stood up, hesitantly walking towards him like she was afraid that she was going to make something worse by her presence.
The only thought running through her mind was that. 'Does he even want her here?'
Pushing aside her worries for a moment, Ochako thought of what had just occurred. She found it odd how flustered she got from seeing him without a shirt on, especially when she had seen him topless many times before. She guessed that it was with the two of them being alone, in his room, and them being so close. Him being covered in a thin layer of sweat didn't help at all either. It had just gotten her so heated.
"I-I'm sorry," she started, sounding slightly defeated, "I don't know what that was, but a-are you...are you okay?" Ochako realized that she was probably doing the exact opposite of what she wanted to do. She wanted to help him get through whatever it was he was going through, but instead, she was just adding to his stress.
He probably doesn't even want her there.
She couldn't continue this line of thought, however, because his shadowed figure silently walked up to her and wrapped her in a tight hug. His breath felt warm against her neck, it was comforting. She couldn't help but take the embrace with everything she had. Her face was surely more than surprised, but she buried it in the crook of his shoulder regardless.
Now he was the one comforting her. How did that make any sense? She should have run to him and hugged him, not the opposite.
"Are you okay? You're crying." Deku spoke fluently, no stuttering, no hiccups. For some reason, Ochako noticed this more than anything, and she gave him a squeeze. The fact that she was crying seemed to fly over her head entirely.
"Deku, I'm fine. But what about you, are you okay? What's happening to you?" Uraraka muttered into his shoulder, the two slowly separating, Deku rubbing the back of his neck absentmindedly. Before he could start, however, she added something.
"I-I overheard." There was a pause, and for a second his heart stopped beating, "I overheard you and Bakugo talking. D-Does this have to do with All Might?"
She saw him freeze - that was not a good sign
"Uraraka..." Deku whispered, but stopped abruptly as he seemingly spotted the small dots of tears, running down her cheeks.
She couldn't help it. Not after all of that, not after witnessing him on the floor gasping for air. And not after, even when he had been broken down, he still prioritized her over even himself. Asking if she was okay. When she was the one who should have jumped to that question.
Maybe he didn't want to answer that.
It made sense, why he seemed to be more worried about her. She asked him what was wrong but did he not want to tell her?
But she needed to know, she needed clarity, she needed to be able to help him more. She wanted to help him more. But, what good would her desire to help him be if he didn't even want her here? Come to think of it, it's not like he asked her to be there for him. She had simply barged in herself.
Was she in the way right now?
No - maybe?
"Deku, you, can you please t-tell me what's wrong. This is the second time you've had an attack in the same night, so please just let me help you. W-What happened?" Her breath hitched at his face, almost as if he was dreading to answer that question.
W-Was she right before? Did he not want her here? Did he not trust her?
"I-I d-don't.." Izuku began to panic. He didn't know what he could or could not tell her. Explaining what had happened with Kacchan meant explaining All Might's involvement. Why he was actually freaking out about his power and his destiny. Which meant telling her about one for all - which meant endangering her, which meant sharing the secret.
"D-Deku, breathe, calm down, p-please." He didn't seem to notice how close she had gotten to him, but her hand on his shoulder was the only thing dragging him out of his thoughts. "Just breathe ok? Count to 4 and breathe."
"1, 2, 3," he paused, closing his eyes, "4"
"T-Thank you Uraraka," he continued to count in his head, his breath slowing down.
"Deku," her voice sounded sad, she was still crying, "Y-You don't have to tell me. But I want to help you, so please just tell me what's happening so I can try."
And like that he remembered his dilemma, telling her meant telling her.
Izuku's heartbeat rhythmically.
He counted in beats of four.
As he counted, he asked himself why so much was happening in one night.
First a panic attack.
Then, Kacchan.
Then, another attack.
Now, this.
...1...2...3...4...
He was so grateful for Uraraka. He considered her one of his best friends. Maybe the person he was closest to here in UA. Since the first day she believed in him, she was different from the other kids. Even Iida had been rather mean, but not her. She was, probably, the first 'friend' figure he had ever met, that wasn't abusive or abrasive at least.
After tonight, he had learned things. Although only a few hours passed, it felt like an eternity. One for All, now Kacchan knew. He only found out because of his idiotic mistakes. And now Kacchan was in much more danger even being around him.
But what if Uraraka knew too? How could he bring himself to tell her? Telling her meant bringing her into this messed up world of destiny and secrets. He couldn't tell her the truth. No matter how much he may want to. No matter how much she may want to hear it. She wanted to help him and he treasured that care from a friend. But he couldn't endanger yet another one of his friend's lives. He couldn't. He wouldn't. He would NOT endanger his best friend like that, she did not have to know.
But what else could he do in this situation?
Uraraka stood in front of him, tears still hadn't stopped streaming down her face. She awaited him, seemingly patiently.
All he could manage was a small look down, he had nothing. No idea what he should do, or say to her. He could lie, but a part of him knew she wouldn't buy it.
'She deserves to know'
'It doesn't matter, she'll be in danger'
'She's my best friend, and she's worried about me'
'You'll just make things worse'
'Just tell her!'
"I...I...I can't..."
She froze.
She had been right before. He didn't want her here. He didn't want to share this with her, he didn't trust her like that.
"I can't...I can't tell you. I'm sorry. I am so sorry. I want to, but I just can't." He looked defeated, confused, still sweating like he was torn with a choice that he didn't want to make. But he didn't seem to want to budge. She couldn't blame him, she had fabricated this idea of them being closer than she had thought. Just because she could share her inner worries and fears didn't mean he had to.
She was pushing him now, "Deku, I-just wants to h-help you. Please."
She could hear her voice trembling in the darkroom, she didn't like it. She sounded so, desperate? Why couldn't she just accept that he didn't want her around right now? She shouldn't be forcing him to share something he wasn't comfortable sharing with her. Especially right after he had just broken down - it was almost making her feel like she was trying to take advantage of him. She didn't want that - no she couldn't do that to him...
Izuku felt like dying.
He bit his bottom lip, he bit it hard. So hard that a small amount of blood tore through the fragile skin, the irony taste ran across his tongue in an unpleasant manner.
Why did this have to be so hard
"I-I'm sorry Uraraka I just can't..."
"No mom. Ya... No...No I'm fine."
After that night, Midoriya and Bakugou were essentially locked in the dorms. They were on house arrest and were put to work cleaning every inch of their living facilities. It sucked having to miss out on all the school progress their classmates were making, but he looked at it as a light punishment for their actions.
"I'm just worried honey, after you told me about what happened, I'm just thinking that this is all too much for you."
The class had been rather angry at the two of them, as the noise their fight had created kept a large sum of them from sleeping. The angriest one of them all was surprisingly Shoji. He claimed that his multiple ears could pick up the trembles from their fight. Midoriya had been worried that his masked friend somehow heard the conversation they had. But it didn't seem like Shoji knew much of anything.
"Mom. I thought we had this conversation before. I'm going to be fine. The last thing I want to do is worry you, but I thought you would want to know just in case. I promise you, I'm doing better."
Even though the two had now made up, Kacchan had not lightened his abrasive nature. He still yelled, cursed, got mad easily, but it had been less targeted towards himself which was a welcomed change. Now the two could even hold a conversation without much trouble, Midoriya could admit however that their "dynamic" was still rather awkward. At least for him. It was a little hard to get used to Kacchan not berating him like a punching bag.
"I know, I know Izuku, I'm sorry. But a panic attack isn't something you can play around with, maybe you can talk to someone? One of your friends? All Might? What about that Uraraka girl you've told me about? You're good friends with her right?"
The three days had passed fast for him, he woke up, cleaned until mid-afternoon with Kacchan, and then hung out with a few of his classmates once they returned from class. He had learned about their meeting of the big three from Kaminari, although Iida was rather reluctant with sharing what they had learned. He was fine though, today was his last day of house arrest, he went back to class tomorrow so he could catch up. Unfortunately, Kacchan still had one more day, but Midoriya thought the boy wouldn't mind all that much. It seemed as if he was still doing some self-reflecting - he had been quieter recently.
"I...I've already talked to All Might about it," Izuku lied, straight through his teeth, "it helped a lot, I'm okay now."
He wasn't okay.
Uraraka had accepted that he couldn't tell her what was wrong. Or, that's what she wanted him to think. The green-haired boy saw straight through her tear-filled smile. She told him that it was ok, that he didn't have to talk about it, not if he didn't want to. She had apologized for pushing, and for overstepping. Even though he tried to assure he she wasn't. But Izuku knew, he knew how she really felt. He knew that she felt crushed, completely inadequate, she felt that he didn't trust her. That's the only logical reason for her to be avoiding him.
But he couldn't do anything, the only thing that could change that would be to tell her about One for All and that would endanger her. He didn't want that.
It probably hurt more than all of this happens right after she confided in him. After he had held her close, after she cried into his chest for hours, she was probably thinking he simply didn't have the same trust for her. The trust she so easily gave to him.
That's what she was thinking when she had made sure he was ok, told him goodnight, and walked out of his room. He knew it, he knew that all she could think about was how much he didn't trust her.
It made him sick.
He tried. He tried his hardest to explain to her that he did in fact trust her. That she didn't need to apologize, and that it was just something he couldn't share. But she still...
...
After exchanging goodbyes with his mother, he tossed his phone onto the bed and leaned back on his pillow. He hadn't talked to Uraraka in three days, and he was starting to break again.
Three. Three days since he had spoken a word to his one of his best friends. Three days since he felt any type of security, any type of...happiness?
He felt terrible. He grasped onto the feeling of her hugging him just to try and feel a little better. He told himself it would be ok, that she wasn't one to get like this. That she wasn't feeling completely useless and unwanted by him. But after she completely avoided him the next day, after she wore a visibly depressed face, he realized that the lies he told himself weren't strong enough. She was strong, she would be ok. His best friend knew better than to believe the garbage that came out of his mouth daily.
Two. He had two more panic attacks since that day.
Or at least, he thinks they were attacks. The combination of his fear of not being worthy, or capable even of becoming All Might's successor. And his best friend, the one person that he knew trusted in him. The first person to treat him like a friend. She was currently heartbroken over his own mistakes, his own actions that had put a fork in their previous clean road of trust. This all happened over his own agenda. His own problems. His own world that she wanted to be apart of - but the world that he didn't want for her.
That combination was too much for him to handle.
It was all his fault - everything! This was so stupid, to fix this he just had to stop being an idiot and just talk to her! He had tried - it didn't work. How could he force himself onto her when she clearly doesn't want anything to do with him? How! Why? Why couldn't he tell her his secrets? Why couldn't he just...
One. One thirty in the morning and Izuku panted heavily. Tears stained his pillowcase as he gripped his comforter.
His cheeks were a bright red, and sweat had been dripping from his entire body for a good 15 minutes now. This one marked five. His fifth panic attack in less then a week, a smaller one, but it felt just as terrible as the other four. It had gotten to the point where he feared of having nothing to do, as the distractions helped greatly. Without them, he thought too much. He thought of everything that was going on, and he couldn't escape his own mind. No matter how hard he tried.
He cried himself to sleep for the third time that week. Hoping he could get himself together by the next morning, as he would have to go back to classes and see her.