~ ROSE POV ~
The next morning, I woke up with a smile on my face. Last night, Dimitri and I had worked with stakes again. I was getting good, really good. Dimitri taught me techniques that I had never seen before. We had never been taught anything like it in our guardian training. Hell, I don't even think the guardian teachers knew how to do it. I couldn't wait to take down Mason and Eddie with it later. I could already see the looks of shock and awe on their faces. In only a day with Dimitri, I had gone from not knowing how to wield a stake at all, to almost being master staker. Last night, when I returned to my dorm, I was so exhausted I collapsed on my bed still dressed in my work out clothes. Now, I could feel my muscles aching from the day before as I pulled off my cover and peeled off my clothes for a quick shower to remove the sticky sweat that still coated my skin. I raked through my wardrobe and pulled on a fresh set of activewear before I raced to meet Dimitri. Somehow, I actually managed to be on time. Maybe even a couple of minutes early.
I was practically skipping as I made my way into the gym. However, my good mood quickly vanished when Dimitri told me I would be doing my Qualifier today. My happiness completely vanished when he told me who was testing me.
"What?" I exclaimed. "When did this happen?" I asked.
"Last night," Dimitri said. I shot him a look.
"Why didn't you warn me?" Dimitri sighed.
"I didn't want to tell you last night. I knew it would only make you stressed." I understood his reasoning. I was stressed. If he had told me last night, I wouldn't have been able to sleep at all. On one hand, I was grateful to Dimitri for letting me sleep, but on the other, I mad. Why did it have to be her?
"I didn't have a say in who would be testing you, Roza. I saw your mother yesterday and she told me about your qualifier. Believe me, I argued that it would be better if another guardian tested you."
"And?" I asked, hoping for a different answer.
"And she is the only one on campus who can do it as she is not a teacher or mentor," he explained. I nodded understanding there was no use arguing now. All I could do was answer every question she gave me the same way I would Arthur Schoenberg.
We talked for a while about all the possible guardian questions I could be asked. I answered everyone he shot me with an honest and appropriate answer. Dimitri smiled and brought me in for a hug.
"You've got this. You'll be fine. The good in your record outweighs the bad," he said. I nodded against his chest, but I didn't believe him. I would have agreed if I were being tested by anyone else other than my mother. I was worried about what she would do or what she would say during the test. I was afraid that she would finally break me and all the control, that I have worked so hard to maintain, would shatter. Along with every bone in her body. Dimitri pulled back but kept his hands firmly on my shoulders. I looked deep into his chocolate brown eyes filled with so much pride.
"Go show her the strong, dedicated amazing Guardian I know you are." Right now, Dimitri was my mentor, not my boyfriend. I would make him proud, and I would prove my mother wrong. I smiled and nodded once before standing and walking to get ready.
I left half an hour early to prepare. When I got back to my room, I quickly changed into a white blouse and a nice pair of black jeans. My outfit resembled the formal guardian uniform in a way that was professional but still causal. I ran a brush through my hair, pulling the long dark strands up into a tight bun at the top of my head. I still had an hour before I was meant to meet with my mother. My stomach growled alerting me to the hungry monster within me. Breakfast had only just begun, but knowing the novice metabolism, all the good food was probably already gone. If I was quick, I could probably make it just in time to grab something. It didn't matter what. I just needed food.
I pulled on my boots, thick red coat, white woollen scarf and applied a thin layer of the cherry lip gloss Dimitri had bought me. With one last look in the mirror, I nodded. I was ready to face the demon. I was about to run out the door when I remembered something. I pulled a hair elastic onto my wrist. After the incident with Dawn Yarrow, that resulted in her broken; arm giving me my dangerous reputation, I was sent to talk to a guardian. She asked why I did it. I shrugged, telling her I hadn't meant to hurt Dawn. It was just after the accident. Dawn had made some snarky comment about Lissa's family and I lost it. It was easy to blame my aggression on the trauma I had experienced. I really didn't mean to break her arm, but honestly, she deserved it. The guardian had given me some advice. She said that the next time I wanted to hurt someone; I should endure some of the pain first. That way, I would feel the hurt I wanted to inflict on others and realise that I don't actually want to hurt them.
It was a good idea, but me being me at age fifteen, I promised to be on my best behaviour, before completely ignoring her. If I got through this day without punching Janine, I would have to find that guardian and thank her. The elastic should be an easy way to test her technique and, hopefully, keep my control. I promised myself that anytime I felt close to losing control, I would yank, pull or twist the elastic until I was calm enough to let go. I just hoped I wouldn't lose my hand because of this. I kind of needed it.
The dining hall was empty when I arrived. The only food that was left was a couple of cold pieces of toast. Not my ideal breakfast dish, but I was desperate. I munched down two slices as I made my way to the guardian building. My hunger was satisfied, for the time being, but now my stomach was growling for another reason. I was nervous. I had never been nervous about anything in my life, but this was different. This test was serious. It could make or break your future as a guardian. Everything I have worked for over the last years, and especially in the last few months with Dimitri, were riding on this. I arrived at the guardian building fifteen minutes early and found my mother sitting on a lounge, with a clipboard of her lap, waiting. She looked at her watch.
"Fifteen minutes early. I'm surprised. I expected you to be late. Unfortunately, you don't get points for punctuality." I had to pull my elastic to keep myself from rolling my eyes. She obviously didn't know how important this was to me. Yes, I had a reputation for being late to most things, but there are a time and place for tardiness. This test was too important. I released my elastic as Janine stood and walked down the hall, with me following only a few steps behind. Her room was simple, basically the same as Dimitri's, just minus the bookshelves full of westerns and the knitted blankets from his mother in Russia. I pulled off my coat as I stepped further into the room, taking in the setup before me.
Janine had pulled the wooden desk from its place against the wall to sit in the centre of the room, with two chairs placed either side like an interview. She moved around the desk and sat in the waiting chair before placing the clipboard down and folding her hands neatly on top. She looked up at me in a way that seemed to pull me down into the chair across from her. I sat patiently, gently placing my coat on the floor beside me.
Once I was seated, my mother pulled out a thick Red folder with my name scribbled neatly on the front. My record. A file filled with everything I have done, both good and bad since I was first abandoned here. I remembered Dimitri's words: The good in your record outweighs the bad. The good outweighs the bad. The way the desk shook when Janine dropped the file on top, had me seriously doubting that statement. I was sincerely worried the old desk would disintegrate under the weight of that thing. She opened the folder and clicked her pen to life before she raised her head to meet my eyes and gave me, the most genuine, fake smile she could manage.
"Good morning, Rosemarie," she said.
"Rose," I corrected with a forced polite tone and a sweet small smile. She shot me an exasperated look but complied anyway.
"Good morning, Rose," she started again. "You certainly have an impressive record." She said flipping through a few pages. That was one way to put it. I repressed the urge to roll my eyes and pulled my elastic instead. This should not have been new information for her. The Academy had sent her every school report and numerous letters of my miss behaviour since I was a toddler. Although, I wouldn't be surprised if she had just tossed them away without bothering to read them.
"I admit, I have acted a little reckless in the past, but I have worked hard to correct my behaviour and become a respectable professional Guardian," I said, mustering my Guardian voice, keeping straight to the facts with no personal connection or emotion, just as my mother, Dimitri and basically all the guardians do. She looked at me, with her mask firmly in place, hiding her emotions.
"What about going on the run for two years, with the Dragomir Princess? I'd say that was more than 'a little reckless'" she gave me a hard stare. I had expected this, but my hand still pulled firmly on the elastic. Dimitri's words came back to me.
The good in your record outweighs the bad. The good outweighs the bad.
With his voice in my mind, I found myself instantly calming. I released my tight grip, allowing circulation to return to my wrist and took a deep breath.
"Vasilisa was in danger long before we left the academy. The threat was unknown, but I saw she was suffering and knew she needed to get out of the academy. The recent events with Victor Dashkov prove I was right. Yes, I could have acted better and told someone what was happening, but I couldn't risk tipping off our enemy. I got her out. To protect her." I said honestly, hoping she would hear the truth in my voice.
"Whilst on the run, did you train? What guarding techniques did you use?" she asked, scribbling some notes down quickly. I took another deep breath. I had seen this question coming.
"In the two years on the run, we managed to stay undetected by humans, Moroi, Strigoi and even Guardians. We fought off Victor Dashkov's psi hounds, changed location constantly to evade detection and whilst travelling, especially at night, I made sure to check all our surroundings when we were exposed. Yes, I should have hit the gym more and I definitely should have taken some combat classes. I realise now that there is no way I would have survived if we were attacked by Strigoi. Since I've been back, I have been training twice a day every day with Guardian Belikov and I have caught up to my classmates." I wanted to add how I was now kicking the majority of my classmates' asses every day, but I decided it was better to stick to the facts and remain strong and professional. Not arrogant, just factual. Janine flipped through a few more pages, probably checking to see if my statement was accurate. After a moment, she looked up and shot me an intense stare.
"Do you regret it?" Her tone was like a snake bite, sharp and venomous.
"No," I said instantly. The word slipped out of my mouth so easily. "If I could go back in time, I would do it again. The only thing I regret is that I slacked off with my training and neglected proper guarding technique."
"What about all the other blemishes on your record? Behavioural issues, violence, vandalism…" She trailed off.
"As I said, I have been reckless, but that is all in the past," I said simply hoping she would just move on and let it go.
"Not too long ago, you broke a classmate's nose." I cringed slightly. That was something I hadn't prepared for. I had to think quickly.
"The attack charm Victor placed in the necklace began to activate around that time. Shortly after that incident, I was with Guardian Belikov. He managed to fight me off and remove the necklace before either of us were seriously injured. However, a lot of time had passed in our struggle and we only just managed to intercept the fight and put it to an end before any severe harm could occur." I hoped I was believable in my lie. Dimitri somehow always seemed to know when I was lying, but he, unlike Janine, knew me. He knew me better than anyone, even myself.
"Princess Vasilisa Dragomir is a close friend of yours?" She asked.
"Yes," I answered hesitantly, curious as to where she was going with this.
"How many years have you been friends with the princess?" This time I did roll my eyes. She knew how long Lissa and I have been friends. She was there when Lissa's parents announced they wanted me to be their daughter's guardian. I was her daughter, for God's sake, but that didn't seem to mean anything to her. I was getting frustrated.
"Since Kindergarten. You should know that." I muttered under my breath, but she seemed to hear me. She shot me a stern look which I ignored.
"I can see from your records and your statements that you are more than willing to do anything for Vasilisa. But, could you do the same for another Moroi who you don't know? Could you be a dedicated guardian for anyone else? Even if they aren't your friend?"
I was taken back. It was a valid question. One I hadn't prepared for, but one I knew the answer to.
"Yes," I said. Dimitri and I had discussed this topic long ago. After graduation, the plan is for me to be Lissa's guardian and Dimitri will try to find another charge close to Lissa so we can be together. However, if I don't get Lissa, Dimitri will stay as her guardian and protect her for me. Lissa was my best friend, bond-mate and my sister. I would always protect her whether I was her guardian or not, but I knew my duty. If I was given another charge, I would protect them the same as I would protect Lissa.
" I know my duty. 'They come first'," I said repeating the guardian mantra drilled into us since birth. "Yes, it would be difficult without the friendship Lissa and I share, and of course, our bond. But I am a guardian, and I will protect all Moroi with my life." She scribbled a few notes down on the page.
"You claim you know your duty, but you don't," She said.
"Excuse me?" I asked shocked.
"You're not ready for the responsibility of being a guardian." Her face and voice was void of any emotion. She could not be serious.
"I am. I might not be ready to kill Strigoi or go out into the field tomorrow, but I am learning to be the best guardian possible." I squeezed my elastic tightly on my wrist. The tingling sensation in my fingers alerted me to how tight my grip was. My fingers were probably purple now.
"Based on the details in your record, I can see you are not a guardian, you are not a novice, you are a child." I was astonished by her words. Is that really what she thought of me? My fist clenched in preparation to strike out at her. The elastic wasn't working. My nails dug into my palm, so hard I think I might have drawn blood. I clenched my teeth inside my mouth to keep myself from saying something I would regret.
'Calm down, Rose. Calm down. She isn't worth it' I told myself. It wasn't working. I closed my eyes and pictured Dimitri.
'Breath, Roza.' His Russian accented voice wrapped around me instantly masking me feel better. 'Breath.'
I took three deep breaths and held the oxygen for a moment before releasing. Every exhale released more and more tension until I was able to regain my control and release my grip from my elastic. I retracted my nails from my palm and stood up calmly.
"I don't have to take this," I said as I began to walk out, with my coat in my arms.
"You're right, you don't," She said as I almost reached the door. I placed my hand on the handle, ready to open the door and escape this hell. "You failed." I froze. I slowly turned to her with my eyes wide and mouth open.
"What?" I asked.
"You do not have what it takes to be a guardian." I was close to losing control, and this time, I didn't try to hold back.
"With all due respect guardian Hathaway, I find your opinion biased. I may be your daughter, but you don't know me. You can't make that judgement based on previous actions you read in my file. Ask any guardian on campus; Dimitri, Alberta, Hell, even Stan, and they will tell you how dedicated I am to be a guardian. I have been beaten, bruised and bitten to keep Lissa alive, and I can promise, I will continue to do so whether you say I can or cannot because I am her guardian." I was close to exploding. "I don't need your permission to protect Lissa. I have been doing it longer than you know!" With that final sentence, I stormed out. I didn't wait to be dismissed. I didn't care. I didn't want to hear anything else that woman had to say.
I went to class, but I didn't pay attention to anything that was said. I was too stuck in my head to take in any information. The scene kept playing over and over in my head. How could she fail me? She was my mother and one of the best guardians in the world. This is what she wanted for me, the reason why she left me here, and she was going to take it away? All my hard work and dedication, taken away with a few strokes of a pen.
Had I gone too far? Had I made it worse? I tried so hard to be respectful and polite, but she just tipped me over the edge. She knew I would be the perfect guardian for Lissa. Even before we were bonded, I was the best Dhampir for Lissa. Even Lissa's Parents knew that. They wanted me to protect their daughter. They trusted me, even at a young age, with their daughter's life. Why couldn't my mother?
I was nervous about going to training. Dimitri would've heard about what happened. Would he be mad? He should be. I lost control. All his hard work training me, and I broke.
I knew he loved me, but mentor Dimitri could be scary. I didn't want to see the disappointment in his eyes. Still, I went to training ready to face whatever Dimitri had in store for me. Instead, was surprised when I was greeted by Dimitri pulling me into his embrace and kissing me deeply. I was caught off guard but quickly melted into the kiss.
"What was that for?" I asked when we finally broke apart.
"I heard the good news," he said. His chocolate brown eyes shone with pride and love.
"Good news?" I asked.
"You passed. I knew without a doubt that you would but still, this is something to celebrate. I'm so proud of you Roza," he said, pulling me into his tight embrace once again. I wanted to interject and tell him that the news he had received was wrong and I had failed. "I love you," he said. With those three words, all my words were lost. Dimitri leant in and I met him.
He would hear the truth of what happened eventually, but I didn't want to ruin this moment for us. And so, I kept my mouth shut and just soaked up the moment in Dimitri's arms.
I met Lissa in the dining hall after training. Through the bond, I could feel she was excited about something. She smiled brightly when she saw me.
"Rose, guess what," she said, her excitement bled into me, making me momentarily forget about earlier events.
"What?" I asked. I started to dig into my dinner as I listened to Lissa's news.
"Tasha has invited up to spend Christmas with her," she said. To Lissa, this was a big deal, but I was lost on what was so exciting.
"Who's Tasha?" I asked confused through a mouthful of pasta.
"Oh, sorry. That's right, you haven't met her yet."
"She's my aunt," interjected Christian. "Natasha Ozera." Now that was a name, I was familiar with. Natasha Ozera, like Christian, was tainted by the choices of her family to purposely become Strigoi. She was a renowned activist for Moroi fighting with magic against the Strigoi alongside guardians, which made her even more of an outcast among the Moroi, even though she was Royal.
I took a quick look inside Lissa's mind. She was excited to spend Christmas with family. Since her family died, it had just been Lissa and I. While on the run, Lissa went out of her way to make the holidays special as her family used to, but it wasn't the same with just the two of us. Lissa was glad to have others to join with us and celebrate, but she was also nervous. Natasha, or Tasha, was her Boyfriend's aunt and the last remaining member of his immediate family. Lissa wanted to make a good impression. I pulled back and smiled to myself. I felt guilty I couldn't share the details of my relationship with her when I could simply go inside her head and know everything about her relationship without her telling me anything. Not that I would do that. I didn't want to know what went on with her and Christian when I wasn't around.
"That sounds great. I can't wait to meet her. When and where is this taking place?" I asked taking a sip of my water. Christmas was fast approaching. Tomorrow was that last day of school before the winter break. Lissa and I would be staying on Campus as all orphans or abandoned children do. Christian would probably spend the holidays with Tasha if she is going somewhere. I was looking forward to some alone time with Lissa. We hadn't spent a lot of time together since she and Christian got together, and I was always with Dimitri, training or otherwise…
"This Saturday in the old Guardian Cabin," said Lissa. The water in my mouth sprayed out involuntarily and hit Christian directly in the face. The Cabin? Our Cabin? Christian gave me an exasperated look as he wiped his hand over his face, removing the water.
"So Soon?" I asked between coughs, trying to cover up my shock.
"Well, Tasha was planning on taking Christian away to a Ski Resort for Christmas so we thought we would celebrate early," Lissa said. I nodded thoughtfully, trying to cover up my worry. Lissa and Christian chatted about Christmas and Tasha as Lissa used her napkin to help remove the water that was dripping down Christian's face. I blocked them out and focused on quickly finishing my dinner. This was bad. I had to tell Dimitri.
After dinner, I ran to Dimitri's room. It was close to curfew, but I was hoping he could get me back to the Novice dorms or I could stay the night with him. The halls were empty of guardians, making it easy for me to sneak in. I quickly knocked on his door and was hit with a wave of Déjà vu from the night of the Equinox Dance. The night of the Lust charm. The night when everything changed. After a couple of seconds, Dimitri answered. This time, sadly, he wasn't shirtless. Damn. He looked surprised to see me but didn't say anything. He looked down the halls and quickly ushered me in when he saw it was clear.
"Roza? What's wrong?" he asked.
"There's a problem," I started. Dimitri sat on the chair and motioned for me to continue. "I have been invited to Christmas with Natasha Ozera."
"I have been too," he said. I gave him a questioning look. I knew her back when I was guarding Ivan. She saw me a few days ago. I ran into her again today and she invited me."
"It's in the Cabin. In our cabin." I said. Dimitri nodded and stood.
"I know," he said approaching me.
"Why aren't you stressed about this?" I asked as he came closer to me. I was freaking out, but he was so calm.
"Because there is nothing to stress about." He said, gently tucking a strand of hair behind my ear. "I cleaned the cabin and removed all the evidence of us ever being there." I felt calmer after he said that, but my heart still pounded within my chest.
"But what if you missed something or we do something that gives us away?"
"Roza, calm. Nothing is going to happen. We will be fine." He said as he pulled me into a hug. All of my remaining stress left my body as I melted into his embrace.
"I don't know what I will do if I lose you," I said against his chest.
"You'll never lose me. I will always be here for you. I love you," he said. I smiled, closing my eyes and breathing him in.
"I love you too." Guilt washed over me. I pulled back from Dimitri, nervous but ready to tell him the truth of my qualifier.
"Roza?" He asked, noticing the change in my mood. "What's wrong?"
"I have to tell you something." Dimitri led me to sit beside him on the edge of his bed. He didn't say anything. He just sat patiently waiting for me to start. I took a deep breath.
"I lost control today." I started slowly. "In my qualifier, I started calm and controlled but she just kept asking these ridiculous questions and just pushed all the wrong buttons and I couldn't hold it back. I lost it. I was just so angry, and I couldn't hold it back. I let Lissa down, I let you down and worst of all, I let myself down. I'm sorry" I couldn't bear to look at him.
"Roza, what are you talking about?" He asked gently.
"I failed the qualifier," I said quietly. I hoped he hadn't heard me but with his guardian senses, he probably heard me clear as day.
"No, you didn't." He said.
"Yes, I did. Janine told me herself. I don't know who told you I passed but they either lied or heard wrong."
"Roza, I read Janine's notes from your test. There was not a single bad thing written down." I looked at Dimitri with a confused expression planted on my face.
"What? Then. Why did she tell me I failed?" I asked.
"To rest you. See your reaction. To know how dedicated you are as a guardian. And it worked. It's a smart move." So many emotions ran through me all at once. I was happy and excited about passing but I was so angry at my mother for making me feel like a failure. I had to agree. It was a good move. "It must have worked because I can promise you passed. I am so proud of you Roza." He said and tenderly kissed my forehead.
"But I still lost control," I said.
"I saw your mother after the test. She didn't have any bruises or cuts on her. If you did lose control in there, you didn't cause any damage and it actually might have helped to show just how strong and brave you are. There are not many people who could scream at Guardian Janine Hathaway." I smiled.
"Only her daughter," I said smiling. Dimitri smiles in response.
"Yes, her daughter, and me if she ever tries to hurt you."
"Now that's something I have to see. Guardian God Dimitri Belikov telling off the infamous Guardian Janine Hathaway."
"Careful, it might be the last time you see me at all," Dimitri said with a teasing tone, although I knew his words were true.
My mother would probably try to destroy Dimitri if he tried to talk to her the way I do. And Dimitri, being the man, he is, would let her.
"I can't have that. I need you, Comrade." I said leaning to him.
"I need you more, Roza." He responded before meeting me for a deep and passionate kiss.
Finally! I'm so sorry. I know there was alot of confusion of this chapter but don't worry. It has been fixed and it is not going anywhere. Thank you for your patience with this chapter. Finally, chapter 6 is done. I made it an extra-long one for you guys to make up for last week. I am loving writing this and I hope you are enjoying reading it. Thank you for all the reviews on my last chapter. For suggestions on titles, I am really liking: "A Little Too Late", "Love From The Charm," & "She Comes First." Let me know your fave/s. I have an idea of where I want this story to go but I am lost for how I should end it. For now, I am just enjoying the journey. Let me know what you think of this chapter.