A/N: Thank you to everyone keeping up with this story and reviewing! To guest: I will publish this on Wattpad myself because I do actually have an account there, too. I'd rather share it myself! Link is: story/25500068-pretend

Spencer opened her eyes slowly, everything a bit blurry around the edges. She hadn't slept in so long, and now that she was, it was for brief periods of only an hour or so at a time. She felt like her universe was a bit diluted, not sure of what was real and what was in her drug-enhanced imagination.

Toby. She looked over to see the young athlete scrolling on his phone. She couldn't believe that he'd stayed here with her overnight. And then she sat up quickly in a panic, as if she could reel back in all of her stories if she moved quickly enough. She put a hand to her face, as she got dizzy from moving too quickly. She groaned softly with regret, mostly from her movement, but also because of her big, fat mouth.

"Hey champ," Toby smiled at Spencer. "What do you say you finally eat some dinner? My treat. We can order takeout. I'm starving."

Spencer just made a pained face. You told him all your secrets. She recalled their earlier conversation. She had been so tired and vulnerable that she threw all caution to the wind in sharing the quiet things no one ever knew, the demons that used her brain and body as a playground. He knows about the scar. He knows that you aren't happy. God, Spencer. They're right, you always screw things up. Why am I always dragging others into my misery and making everything worse for everyone around me? She silently shamed herself for letting Toby close to her. I wish I'd never struck a deal with this stupid boy. How have you not realized you're so much better off on your own? She looked up at him again; he looked so enthusiastic. She just bit her lip. You shouldn't have let him in, because it's going to hurt more when this is all over, she thought, knowing that that day would come soon – especially since he probably thought she was crazy now. Now he knows that you really are Freak Hastings.

"Spence…?" He called again, not sure what she was doing or if she'd heard him, she seemed out of it.

"Huh?" She looked at him confused before his request registered. "Oh, uhm. No, I'm not ready to eat. But you should go home. Go eat and sleep in your own bed. That chair could not have been comfortable." She ignored the part of her that wanted to crawl into a ball in his arms, like a sick child clinging to their parent in the middle of the night.

"Spencer…" he extended his hand, rubbing small circles on her thigh. "I'm not leaving until I know that you're okay."

Why is he being so nice to me? Why can't he just walk away, doesn't he know that I'm no good? … I wish he would kiss me right now. I think that that would make everything better. Spencer's thoughts were derailed by his touch.

"When are your parents coming home, anyway?" He interrupted her thoughts.

"Uhm, I think my mom is coming back from my Nana's tomorrow, but she's going straight to New York for some client. My dad will be home on Friday."

"Are they always gone for so long?" Toby's eyes narrowed.

"Just about every weekend, at least…" she nodded.

"It must get lonely here. This is a big house."

"I like to be alone," she said softly, hoping he would get the hint and leave.

"No one likes to be alone." He retorted.

"I really do." Spencer cocked her head to the side, annoyed that he was breaking down all of her walls.

"I think you're just scared of something."

I'm scared of disappointing you, she thought. To everyone else, she was a major disappointment. A freak. But he needed her – he thought she was smart enough to tutor him, pretty enough to kiss, and worthy enough to take care of. To save.

"I think you're just hungry and not thinking straight." She murmured. "Takeout menus are in the drawer next to the phone downstairs. If you order something, I'll try to eat." She bargained with him, hoping to get some time alone if she kept him busy.

"I'll be back in a little while." He tousled her hair. "Don't get in any trouble." He winked and left to call in an order, and then go pick it up.

It was becoming increasingly apparent to her that she had gotten herself attached to this light-haired, starry eyed, too-good-to-be-true boy. Moreover, the attention he gave her. When she spoke, he gave his full attention, as if he believed what she was saying would change the world. And when he looked at her, there wasn't an emptiness looming behind his eyes, searching for something inside of her that she just couldn't produce, no matter how much she longed to be more than herself. He told her that just by breathing, she was enough. Though she thought that was a bit naïve, it made her feel warm. It gave her hope. She smiled at the thought of him; the warmth of his fingers leaving trails of fire across her skin.

False hope, she interrupted her own dreamy thoughts. He saw the ugly side of her she wanted to keep hidden from the world, and there wasn't any coming back from that. Once she was back on her feet, she was sure he would leave. She wouldn't admit it, but she needed him, maybe even more than he needed her to graduate. She needed him to keep her from falling down the dark hole of darkness she'd only recently escaped.

He came back, and she couldn't help but grin. He brought her soup and a sandwich, and some hot tea as well. He got himself a burger and fries. "If you eat up, I put ice cream in the freezer downstairs," he bribed her like a child, smiling.

She just smiled and picked at her food. "If you insist on staying tonight," she tried to sound annoyed at the prospect. "You can stay in my bed with me," she offered, before she could fully catch herself. She turned pink when he smiled. "Or the guest bedroom, if that's' more comfortable…but you really can go home."

"I think I'll stay." He smiled warmly. She looks so small when she's balled up in her bed like that. I still want to know about the pills. It's probably the intense pressure she feels from her mom and dad… He looked to her to make sure she was eating, and was happy to see her ripping bread from the sides of her sandwich and dipping into her soup broth. She smiled a little when she caught him looking. Has she always looked so sad, even when she smiled? He furrowed his eyebrows, worried that all this time he thought he was helping her, she was actually not happy at all. Her smiles were like little lies.

They sat in silence for a while. He cleaned up from dinner and changed into the sweats he had in his gym back in the car to use as pajamas. She moved over to let him slide into bed with her.

In the darkness, where he couldn't see her eyes, she finally piped up. "I don't hate having you here as much as I pretended I did," she said softly.

"I know," he responded back.

"Toby?" she rolled to face him, after a long pause of taking in his words.

"Yeah?" he searched the darkness for her eyes.

"Could you hold me?" Her voice cracked.

Her face sunk when she didn't hear a response, figuring she'd asked too much.

"Well…come here," he laughed a little, his arms open to embrace her. She latched to him like a magnetic force pulled her chest to his.

"Toby?" she murmured again, her voice vulnerable. She didn't want for a response this time before she started her next request. "Could you hold me…tighter?" She asked, wrestling her feet with his and as he pulled her in closer, draping her leg over his hip, trying to eliminate all the empty space between them, as if it would cure the voids inside of her.

"Toby…" she murmured one last time, after about fifteen minutes. "Can I have a kiss goodnight?" She said it meekly.

He didn't hesitate at all to press his lips very gently into hers "Goodnight, Spencer…" he cradled her face, and soon felt his fingertips become moist. She was crying.

He didn't ask why she was crying. He didn't pretend he knew, either. But his heart had been breaking for the fragile girl he'd been falling for ever since he picked her up in her driveway and realized that he was the only one who saw that she needed picking up in the first place. She was a broken shell of a person and it seemed that no one else could see it.

Instead, he kissed her eyelids and her cheeks, catching the tears as they slipped out when his lips. She clung to him like a baby koala, digging into his back as if she could crawl inside of him and be safe from her mind.

He kissed her face long after the tears stopped. He kissed her head and rocked her, saying "I know, I know," over and over again. He never could know everything, but he wanted her to know that he saw past her lies. He saw all the pieces she couldn't fit back together.

"What is simple by the moonlight, by the morning never is…"

xx

The next morning, Spencer peeled herself out of Toby's arms to shower. She felt embarrassed of the way she'd let herself go again. She couldn't explain her innate need to consume and be consumed by all of him. He made her feel.

When she came out, he wrapped his arms around her tight, kissing her forehead. "Thank you for letting me hold you last night." He squeezed her. "I know you don't like to let me help you. But Spencer, if you let me in…I can try to help you."

She leaned into his arms for a moment, before pulling away. "I'm getting you wet…"

"What?" He pulled back.

"My hair…is still dripping." She said, picking up her towel from her chair and rubbing her hair down.

"Also… you're welcome," she muttered below her breath, pushing past him.

xx

He had come over every day after school and practice to check in on her, since her parents weren't home.

On Thursday, her mother had finally arrived home. When he knocked on her door, Spencer was in the shower, but Veronica opened the door.

"Toby, she's in the shower. You can wait if you want upstairs." Veronica was clearly in the middle of a million things. She hadn't even said hello.

"I, uhm, I was actually hoping to talk to you, now that I've caught you. How was your trip?"

"Fine, thanks… What do you need?" She sounded impatient.

"I wanted to talk to you about Spencer."

"Oh God, is she pregnant? I knew she wasn't responsible enough to—"

Toby cut her off. "We're not…she's not pregnant." He almost blushed, but part of him was sad that her mother didn't trust her. "The doctor called you from the hospital last weekend when you were away and left a message… I called you as well when we got back here. Did you get our messages? I stayed to take care of her as long as I could, but I thought maybe you should talk to her. She won't tell anyone about why there was so much amphetamines in her blood… I think she might need your help."

"I got them. I don't have time to deal with this. If she insists on ruining her life, she could at least try to do so without tarnishing our reputation. I already did damage control, so thankfully no one who matters should know about Spencer's little…habit."

"It's not about who knows…"

Veronica cut him off. "It's a small town, honey. People talk. You better talk to her yourself if you don't want her problem to be publicized as your dirty laundry."

"Mrs. Hastings… I think she needs your help. I just thought you might be concerned your daughter was in the hospital…

"It wasn't necessary," Veronica re-applied her lipstick while holding a compact in front of her. "If you think she needs a counselor, we'll pay for it, but frankly I don't see the need in involving anybody else in this. It's too risky."

Toby was fuming, but he didn't want to cause a scene. "Aren't you concerned with why she might have done it? Taken a drug? I think she might have done it… so she could do well, for you and Mr. Hastings. She talks a lot about that…" Toby felt like he was going against Spencer's trust, but he truly thought he could help her. Maybe she just wasn't vocal with her parents.

"She shouldn't need any help to do well." She said bluntly, and completely missing Toby's point. "Gosh, I trusted her with you. I thought she was past this – she used to do crazy things for attention," Veronica started. "I thought it was a phase, but apparently Spencer can't handle anything not going her way. Just give it time. Buy her a present or something if you want to expedite the process."

She must be talking about how Spencer used to… he couldn't bring himself to finish the thought, he was afraid to conjure the image in his head of Spencer deliberately hurting herself, and then being told it was for attention, making her feel worse. Toby was fuming. She was describing a completely different girl than the one he'd cradled every night for the past week, because she couldn't face the darkness of her room without crying. Crying because she needed the drugs, crying because she hated herself, crying because she wanted him.

"I have to go," Veronica started again. "Don't stay too late. Spencer needs to catch up on all of her work she missed."

"I don't think you really know your daughter at all." He pushed past her up the stairs.

When he got into her room, Spencer was working on her laptop on her bed. Toby came behind her and sat with her against his chest between his legs.

"What are you…" she started.

"Shhhh, I'm sorry…I'm so sorry," he whispered into her ear, biting at it, and playing with her hair. He let her work. What he didn't know was that she was doing Ali's work before her own. She was drinking several cups of coffee to try and mimic the effects of the Adderall.

He didn't tell her about the horrible things her mother said about her. About how her mother didn't care. Instead, he held her extra tight, hoping that he could give her some of what he thought her mom should be.

"I'm proud of you," he whispered again. He didn't mention the drugs, or how she could work without it. He just thought she should know.

xx

Spencer had spent a few days at home, but now was back at school. She met Alison before class. "I'm sorry, I was...really sick," Spencer bit her lip. "I sent you everything due so far,"

"We had a deal. You didn't deliver on time." Alison slammed her locker. She sounded angry, but a smile swept across her face. She knew Spencer's secret.

"I was sick… but it's all good now, and I'll be on track the rest of the term." She tried to sound like she wasn't desperate. "I have to go to class, but email me if you need anything else…" Spencer turned quickly to leave.

"Not so fast…what's the rush, Spencer? Speeding off to see your little boy crush?" Ali's lips curled into an evil smirk.

This was just part one of her plan. To get her information, she had recalled Toby's AppleID settings and set up his iMessaging account on her tablet, so every text he sent or received (to/from another iPhone), she got. And she was following his conversation with Caleb about Spencer. At first, she was just going to expose Spencer's little habit to teachers and get her in trouble. But then she got the dirt that Toby and her had a secret deal, and Toby was using her. How pathetic. But now he liked her, and Ali was jealous. She wanted to embarrass Spencer and rip the couple apart, so she could have Toby back.

Spencer felt chills down her whole spine. How did she know? She gulped, panicking. She turned slowly.

"You know, if Toby gets associated with that stuff, he could be kicked off the team."

"It was just—"

"Why do you want to hurt him so badly?"

"I don't! You seem to be the one out to get him."

"Oh honey, I've had him," Ali licked her lips and raised her eyebrows. Spencer was a bit disgusted. "I want the rest of my assignments early. So I don't get stuck at the last minute. Again." She said harshly.

"I'm going as quickly as I can," Spencer pleaded.

"Come on, be a little more speedy, Spencer."

"I'm not doing that – look I'll try but I can't…" Spencer was obviously distracted when Toby walked by. It made Ali's blood boil that Toby actually cared about this loser.

"If you can't do that, then I have another proposition for you… if you want to protect your secrets… and Toby."

"What do you want?" Spencer crossed her arms.

"If you want to protect Toby. You have to remove yourself from that group. Find him a new tutor. Stop seeing him."

But I need him, Spencer panicked. I don't know how to breathe without him anymore.