How Is It That I Can't Exist Without You?

Damn Japan for being so damn big, Ryo thinks, watching the road disappear beneath him, Damn the countryside for being so damn far. The sprawling stretch of trees spins away from sight in a whirl of green as Alice sits beside him in the car, demanding that he drive slower so she can take pictures of the sky. Normally, he wouldn't mind early morning visits to the market or her petulant commands, but today is particularly annoying. He has to prepare for an unofficial shokugeki with Soma at Alice's behest, of course. "Just humor him," Alice had insisted. At the same time, she wanted to go to the country market for "fresh ingredients, perfect for a food war! Against Soma, no less, who beat me! Maybe you'll find your seafood there!"

As he pulls the car into a gravel parking lot, Alice squeals, "We're here! Go, go, go! Early bird gets the worm!"

What a load of bullshit, he grumbles in his mind, lightly pressing on the pedal.

With a girly tote bag hanging on his shoulder and Alice leading the way, Ryo slouches through the first few stalls at the market. Rows and rows of vegetables sparkle with dews of water still clinging to each leaf, throwing rainbows onto unsuspecting customers. Farther to the left are fresh fish laid upon trays of ice, gaping eyes and mouths staring beside other seafood options. At the end of the farmers' market are scattered tents selling patched-up clothes and fake designer handbags, old ladies waving signs that read, "50% OFF!" It is a maze of vegetables wilting under the slanting sun and trinkets longing to be given away.

Ryo follows Alice's footsteps for the first hour or so, unceremoniously dumping whatever she hands him in the bag on his shoulder. Scowls whenever she asks if he wants anything.

"Ryo-o-o," she sings, annoyingly bright. Normally, he'd crack a smile, but now he resists the urge to roll his eyes back in his head. "Here, let's get ice cream! What flavor do you want?"

"I don't want ice cream," he mutters flatly.

"Come on, I don't want to be the only one eating it!"

"I said, I don't want it."

"Vanilla?"

"No."

"Chocolate?"

"No."

"Butter pecan? Strawberry? Cookies and — "

"Alice, I don't want one," Ryo snaps.

Alice balks before pouting, her mouth drawing into a small "o" shape. "Ryo, I was just trying to be nice! Don't be so rude to me! You should be nicer to your mistress. Apologize right now!"

Ryo opens his mouth to apologize, but then another voice interjects, breaking his thoughts. "What's all this lover's squabble?" The voice is going from the ice cream vendor, her sun-wrinkled hands draped over an apron printed with faded flowers and ice cream stains; evidently, she is a woman of experience, having faced years and years of scooping ice cream into sugar cones. And apparently, her experience warrants her interference into their "lover's" quarrels.

"Ryo here is being a jerk right now and I don't understand why!" Alice whines while automatically nodding for Ryo to hand the vendor the money, skipping over . He sighs as he digs through the wallet she gave him "Vanilla. Sprinkles on top, but not the chocolate and not too heavy-handed. Anyway, he's been rude from the start of the day."

"Maybe you should open yourself up," the old lady suggests, wrapping the cone in a napkin. "Here you go! Are you sure you don't want anything, young man?"

"What do you mean, open myself up?" Alice asks, interrupting Ryo's response to the old lady. Not that Ryo wants anything, but if he did, he notes with irritation, he wouldn't have the chance to say it. "I've done that!"

Am I really gonna listen to an old hag give advice? Ryo narrows his eyes.

"Have you really? I'm not so sure about that," the old hag responds.

I really am, Ryo sighs, wondering if he should sit down for this conversation. It's probably going to be a long one.

"I have! I even listened to him and let him have a nice vacation for a looooooong time," Alice boasts. "He went all over Europe!"

"Sounds like a fun time," the lady smiles.

"It wasn't," Ryo fumes. During the time that they were talking, he slipped on his bandana which now clings to his forehead against the sticky summer heat. "I don't know why ya going on about me, ya don't know jack shit!"

"Ryo, watch your mouth!" Alice admonishes. He slings off the tote bag with their groceries, watches as cabbages and tomatoes tumble out onto the ground. The old lady gasps behind them, but he pays no attention.

"I'm tired of ya yappin' around like I'm not around!"

"Well, maybe if you said something instead of sulking around — "

"I'm saying it now, shut the hell up! What freedom did ya give me if I'm bein' lugged around anyway like a bag of stinkin' fish?"

As soon as those words leave his lips, Alice's eyes begin to well up with tears, shining and dripping down her cheeks. Quickly wiping them away, she yells, "Ryo, you better apologize! If you don't, you better get out of my sight!"

In his inflated anger, his legs feel like rocks implanted to the ground, unmoving and stiff. He probably can't move them, even if he tries, and he doesn't. "Wow," Alice snaps before dropping her ice cream cone and spinning on her heel, chin held high — maybe too high, as if she is trying to hide the ebbing tears behind her eyes.

When her back wanders off from his line of vision — just like that time back in Denmark, Ryo begins to realize before he pushes that thought away — he balls up his fists. What has he done to warrant her cold shoulder? He had followed all her orders up until the fight, and he only stopped because of her mention of his freedom in Europe. Why it was such a touchy subject, he doesn't quite understand. In frustration, he kicks at the bag on the ground, feeling his toes crush small vegetables.

"Well, what are you going to do now?" Ryo looks at the old lady, who merely watches him in quiet judgment. On her frayed apron is a name tag that reads, "Sakura," a name befitting a young lass more than a wizened vendor.

"I dunno, not like it's your business," Ryo grunts through his gritted teeth. Slowly, as if strained, he begins to pick up the fallen vegetables and shrugs the bag back onto his shoulder. "Find her, I guess?"

"And then what?"

"I ain't gonna apologize, if that's what ya asking. I din't do nothin' wrong. Just gave her a piece of my mind and she deserved it."

"Did she really say anything that hurt you?" Sakura asks. "It looked to me that she just wanted you to be as excited as her."

"It ain't just this matter. She talks like she gave me my freedom but still drags me around. Doesn't care 'bout what I say."

"You don't have to follow her around, do you?"

Ryo stops moving and looks at her. "How did ya know that?" He remembers his promise to be her aide again, this time willingly.

The shriveled lady grins toothlessly. "I just had a feeling."

"Still. I still get ordered around and she throws a tantrum if I don't do what she says!"

"Maybe she's only doing that because she doesn't know any better. Not that it's right, but you aren't right, either. What kind of man makes his girl cry like that?" Ryo doesn't bother to correct her and say that Alice is not his girl and would have a fit at anyone thinking she was under the possession of someone else, much less him. He just stands there and suddenly feels the weight of the bandana on his forehead. "I think she just wanted to involve you in her day, that's all. Wanting to get you ice cream. Talking about you to some old hag who's just trying to get on with life by selling ice cream," she guffaws.

Perhaps Sakura is right. With a tug, Ryo takes off the bandana and wraps it around his wrist. Once more, he feels the energy dissipate from his body. "I'm going to find her," he says carefully. "Thanks, ma'am, for everything." Nodding a farewell, he winds his way through the crowd, searching for a spot of white amidst the grayness of everybody else.

I hate crowds, Ryo venomously thinks, jostling in-between shoulders. By now, nearly two hours since they first arrived and the sun reaching its apex in the sky, people had begun flooding the market in search of deals and cooking ingredients. Crowds were stifling and nearly unbearable; who in their right mind would want to be in one?

And then it hits him — the reason why Alice wanted to take him so early in the morning was so they could avoid the crowds that he so openly despised. Looking into the tote bag, Ryo also recognizes a vast amount of seafood: perfect for his upcoming shokugeki with Soma, or at least for experimentation. Had Alice been thinking about him this whole time? Even when he thought she had only been thinking about herself? Even when he had only been thinking about himself?

He doesn't deserve her. In that moment, Ryo realizes that he does not deserve Alice, not as a master or a friend or a girlfriend or anything else. Spoiled as she may be, she is also considerate of him above all. Even when it doesn't seem like it. Even when she shouldn't be.

Then he sees her. Alice hasn't spotted him yet; if she did, she probably would have immediately pouted and ran away. She stands at the end of the stalls near the parking lot, probably 50 meters away from him (he's had practice in spotting her from far distances), a phone in her hand as she looks from side to side. She's probably wondering what to do, where to go, and who to call, if not Ryo. She can't do that for pride's sake, but who else is there to stand beside her if not him? Ryo doesn't immediately go to her; instead, he rehearses possible apologies in his mind, drinks up the sight of her in trembling, cautious ecstasy as if she will vanish in the next second. Maybe she will, based on how Ryo has acted toward her recently.

From the distance, Ryo spots a leery middle-aged man edge closer and gradually infringe on Alice's personal space. Ryo tries to get closer, ducking underneath elbows and bulging shopping bags, until he can hear their voices.

"Hey, whatcha doin' there all alone, girly?" Oldguy sneers, shoving his nose in Alice's face.

"Sorry, I'm occupied," Alice sniffs.

"Don't look like it. Got a boyfriend?"

"What does it matter to you? Can you please move?"

"If ya don't have one, I'll be your boyfriend," Oldguy says. Behind a group of teenagers gossiping about their teacher, Ryo fumbles ahead. Alice is so close, yet so achingly far.

"Actually, I do have a boyfriend, so if you'll excuse me — " Alice begins to fib, but then Oldguy suddenly snatches her wrists and pulls her forward so that her phone clatters to the asphalt, bouncing twice before it lies off to the side, the screen shattered. At the moment that Oldguy's greasy hands touch Alice's skin, Ryo lurches forward. A haze of red blurs his vision, much like when he has the bandana on, except this time he is very aware that his bandana stays on his wrist. Only Alice, and actions against Alice, can ignite such fury.

"Get away from her," Ryo growls, finally reaching them. With one swift motion, he breaks Oldguy's grip on Alice and pushes her behind him a little too harshly. He can't control the influx of anger coursing through his veins, his fists curled and fire rising up his neck through burning, pulsing flames. The man looks at him and then Alice, as if analyzing whether it's worth it or not to fight back; when he deems that it is not — that Alice is not, for whatever reason — he spits at the fractured asphalt ground and stalks away into the emerging shadows of the piecemeal sunlight.

Ryo turns to Alice, her legs folded underneath her, having fallen to the ground at his rough shove. Crouching down beside her, Ryo notices spots of red blooming around Alice's knee and shin. Alice must have noticed this too because she digs her nose into his sleeve, whining about how her leg hurts; if he knows anything about his mistress, it's that she hates the smell of blood.

Sighing, he lifts Alice's leg gingerly into his arms and cradles her back so that he carries her bridal-style to the car. "I've got you, Miss Alice," he murmurs into her ear. Anyone who saw them would have proclaimed it the most romantic thing they've ever seen, but to him, it is a simple act of getting things done. When they reach the family car, Ryo tucks Alice into the passenger seat and bends down beside her, his back against the door that is left ajar. He begins to wrap the spare gauze around her leg; Alice watches passively, meaninglessly, like the constant touch of his fingertips on her skin means nothing. And it doesn't mean anything, Ryo reminds himself, ignoring the mild tremble in his hands and the burning aftermath of his confrontation with the weird, leery man. The thought of someone else touching or hurting Alice…he doesn't know if his anger is that of an aide or someone else.

When he finishes, that is when Ryo allows his stirring anger to well up and rise up his throat like lava from an erupting volcano, bubbling so much that it almost hurts his tongue when he starts to yell at her. "What were you thinking, running off on your own?" Ryo barks, enveloping her wrists — so damn tiny — in his hands. Somehow, his bandana remains limp on his wrists; he has never had this energy without it pressed against his forehead. "Did you really think you could go off alone — "

"Yes, I did!" Alice snaps. "Last I heard, I was the one giving you orders, not the other way around! I guess you're right, though — I can't do anything, at least without you."

"Alice, that's not what I said. I just meant — "

"No, shut up, you idiot!" She breaks away from his grip with a jerk of her wrists; he is not the only one with fire. "When you came back after five months doing perfectly fine, I was upset, you asshole! How is it that I can't exist without you? But you're fine without me? That's not fair, that's NOT FAIR!" Punctuating the last few words each with a punch on his shoulder, Alice glares at him with tear-filled eyes, as if daring him to question her. "Go away! I'm fine by myself now. I can handle myself just fine."

"Alice, I know," he says. Despite her muffled protests, he swallows her into a hug. It's not a light, quick one where they barely touch, like when Ryo wins a food war and is reluctantly pulled into a hug. No; this one is skin to skin, Ryo's breath down Alice's neck and his large hand balled into her blouse. "Alice," he says again, but the rest he can't bring himself to say. Alice, I need you more than you know. It's the other way around. Can't you see? I can't live without you. I can hardly breathe when I'm not near you. I worry about whether you're eating enough or getting enough sleep or if someone's being too cruel to you. Or if you can handle yourself alone — and you can, you're strong — but you don't have to, because I will always be here for all of it. Every moment, every tantrum, and every breath.

But, like a coward, he just hugs her. And somehow, perhaps through the desperate clutch of his hands on her body or his nose nuzzled in her white hair, she seems to understand. Maybe not all of it, but enough.

Hi guys! Once again, thanks for reading! First, to SnowGirl098: thank you so much, this review is so sweet! I love writing as Ryo; something about his seemingly stoic personality changing around Alice warms my heart so much. So this chapter is a bit longer than the previous ones because I really want to get into the romance between them more. The next chapter is even more romantic in a sense ;) So here we have Ryo's inner thoughts, a romantic monologue in a sense, that's a little cheesy but hopefully conveys the deep, underlying feelings he has for Alice but doesn't quite understand. Also, I want to draw attention to the title, Where We Lie Silent. I had a really hard time thinking of this one, but it basically encapsulates the importance of the silence between them, which I've touched upon in each chapter so far. Silence is when Ryo and Alice can understand each other, even without words, which shows how deep their relationship goes. However, there are nuances in their communication; sometimes they do need words, which you'll see in the next chapter!

As always, happy reading and reviews are appreciated!