~ ROSE POV ~
I felt nothing. My body was completely numb, my mind empty of all thoughts and emotions. I felt like a ghost, silently haunting the world, my soul completely detached from my body.
I stayed in the infirmary for a week even though there were no physical injuries on my body. The battle played on and on in my mind every waking moment. I thought back to that instant where I heard Mason's neck snap and just kept asking myself what I could have done differently. If I had just attached first, would he still be here today? Or would my mangled body lay in the cold snow instead of his?
People came and went. Lissa and Dimitri were my frequent visitors. I heard them talk but couldn't react. Mason's mother returned to the academy to collect her son's body. She had a small funeral with a few of Mason's close friends including Eddie and Meredith. I was invited, but Lissa reassured me that Mason's mother understood why I couldn't attend.
Dimitri came to see me at least twice a day. He held my hand and whispered in both Russian and English about how thankful he was that I was alive. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that I would get through this, but Dimitri would never lie to me. That was reality. I may never leave that blood-soaked battlefield. Maybe I'll stay there forever in my mind, constantly thinking of all the ways things could have happened differently.
The Nurses brought plate after plate of food to my bed. I barely touched them, eating and drinking only enough to keep them from sticking tubes into me. After seven days, Dr Olendzki discharged me but gave me orders to see the academy Councillor, Deidre, every Tuesday afternoon to talk through the trauma I faced.
A stack of my clothes sat on one of the chairs in my room. I pulled on my jeans and threw the simple hoodie over my head just as a knock sounded on the door. I turned to see Dimitri standing in the doorway, looking relieved to see me out of bed. His smile faded as he took in my face.
"I've been discharged," I said simply. He nodded.
"Guardian Petrov wanted me to bring you to the Guardian Building," he said. His voice was gentle like he was approaching a nervous animal.
"Why?" I asked.
"It's time to receive your marks."
At first, I didn't know what he was talking about. Then it hit me. I killed Strigoi and I was about to receive the tattoos for my kills, actually, just one tattoo. A Zvezda. The battle mark. It basically meant I had survived a battle and killed too many Strigoi to count. I used to dream about killing Strigoi and receiving the marks like Dimitri and my mother. I saw it as an honour. Now, I knew this mark would just serve as a painful reminder of the day I lost my friend.
XXX
We walked through the sodden grounds of the academy. I kept seeing flashes and images of the bodies of our enemies and comrades. I felt the urge to turn my tail and run in the opposite direction but forced myself to hold my head up high and continue forward.
Every available Guardian was in attendance, but no other novice. I was the only Novice who fought, killed and survived. Mason should have been there with me. My eyes began to sting. I shook my head, blinked the burning sensation away and cleared my mind of all thoughts of him. I refused to cry in front of all the Guardians. I had to be strong. One by one each Guardian sat before the tattoo needle and received their mark. I went last, right after Dimitri.
My body still felt so numb that I didn't expect to feel any pain, but as soon as the needle made contact with my flesh, I had to bite my lip to keep any sounds escaping my mouth. Dimitri had sat before the Tattoo gun without flinching or grimacing. I tried to keep my pain hidden but couldn't help wincing a couple of times. I was glad my hair covered my face from the Guardians who watched on.
Once it was over, the Guardian who did the tattoo held up a mirror, allowing me to see the beautiful star-shaped symbol on the back of my neck. He gave me some care instructions but I didn't really listen. I figured Dimitri or my mother would be able to assist me if I had any questions about it later.
Guardians walked up and welcomed me to the ranks with kind words and friendly gestures. Dimitri didn't say anything, but his eyes said more than words ever could. He knew I was hurting but he was proud of me and glad I was alive. No one said "Congratulations" and I was grateful. This was not a day for celebration. It was a day to remember the sacrifices all Guardians must make and promise that the memory of those we lost would not be forgotten. Mason will always be imprinted on the back of my neck.
XXX
When the ceremony was finished, drinks and food were served. I sat alone, nibbling my sandwich without really tasting it. I was so distracted by my racing thoughts that I didn't notice someone sit beside me until they placed their hand on my shoulder. I flinched, instantly going on attack mode.
"Easy, it's just me," said Alberta. I relaxed, letting my shoulders fall. "I just wanted to let you know the memorial will be held soon in the chapel. I know you didn't get to go to the funeral and if you're not up to it you don't have to attend."
"No, I want to come," I said. "I need to say goodbye."
Alberta gave me a small smile and rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. "I'm sorry for what happened, Rose. I always knew you would be a great guardian and one day have many marks on your neck, but I never imagined it would happen to you this young. Killing…" She sighed ."It's not easy. Even when it comes to Strigoi. I also wanted to say I'm sorry about Mason. I know you two were close." My eyes started stinging again. I nodded, not saying anything, afraid that if I open my mouth I would start wailing again. Alberta Squeezed my shoulder once more than left me alone.
My appetite was gone. I stood to throw my plate in the trash but was intercepted by my mother.
"How do you feel?" she asked. I didn't have an answer so I just shrugged in response. "I suppose that's the best response I could hope for."
"I still feel like I am there. Like…no time has passed since I saw him die and I'm still standing on that field waiting for the next Strigoi to attack me."
"Trust me, you will leave that field…in time. You did the best you could in those circumstances. You cannot blame yourself for something you did not cause."
I rushed in ready to argue my guilt. "I could have-"
She cut me off shooting me a fierce glare. "No. There is nothing you could have done that would have changed what happened on that field. He made his choice and now you must make yours. Leave the field, Rose. Walk away and do not look back." I held her gaze trying to think of how I could fight her words.
In the end, I sighed and said, "I'll try."
She smiled gently. "That's my girl," she said brushing away the single tear that had fallen down my cheek. Her eyes hardened as if she remembered something important. "Rose, there is something else we need to talk about. Is there somewhere private we can go?"
"Now?" I asked. "It's just the memorial is about to begin and I don't want to miss it." She nodded in understanding.
"Go. I'll find you later."
XXX
I followed the others to the chapel, walking silently behind the group of Guardians. With the holidays over, all academy the students, teachers and Guardians filled the front pews ready to say goodbye to their fallen, friends. I sat in the back row, far away from everyone but close enough to hear every word Father Andrew had to say.
The service had only just begun when Dimitri sat beside me. We were far enough away from everyone that no one would have seen us together to notice his hand tightly grasping mine. Father Andrew gave a beautiful eulogy for the small group we lost before reading the names of the fallen. I wasn't quite ready for it when Mason's name was announced and flinched. Dimitri squeezed my hand reassuringly and reminding me of his presence. I felt calmer with him beside me. I squeezed his hand back and forced myself through the rest of the ceremony.
The second it was over, I bolted from the Chapel. My feet had a mind of their own. I didn't know where I was going until I got there and sat down on the bench where Mason and I had talked before the battle began. Fresh snow had fallen covering the blood-soaked earth but my eyes could still see the red pools beneath that pristine white. I pulled my knees to my chest and stared ahead at the ward line, waiting for the next attack.
"See anything interesting?" said a velvety voice from behind. Dimitri. He must have followed me.
"Just snow, trees and the odd bush here and there. Not particularly interesting. Better than maths though." I said adding some of my old Rose bravado.
Dimitri brushed some snow off the space beside me on the bench and sat down, staring out at the field with me. "You know, I think the Strigoi are gone."
"You're probably right. Or maybe they are still out there, waiting for us to lower our guard and attack us again."
"Now you're being paranoid."
"No, I'm being cautious."
"The sun would have fried them all by now, Roza. There is no more threat. You can relax."
I shook my head. "No. I can't relax. I can't lose another friend." Dimitri turned to me, understanding shining in his eyes. "I don't know if I can do this, Comrade."
"Do what?" he asked.
"Become a Guardian. I always knew I was going to kill one day and yeah, I knew there would be fatalities along the way, but I never expected it to be like that. It just seemed way more epic in my mind. The idea of killing Strigoi and dying on the frontlines to protect Lissa would be the best way to go, but that battle was horrible. How do you move on from that?"
"You don't," he said simply.
"I'm serious," I insisted.
"So am I."
"Whoa! No Zen life lesson? Aren't you supposed to be talking me out of this? Telling me that becoming a guardian is what I have worked for my whole life and if I give up now, it will have all been for nothing. That you didn't spend every day training me for me to just turn around and quit?"
He shrugged. "I don't need to. You already know that. I can't tell you how to live your life, Roza. If you really want to quit, then quit. Just be sure that's what you want first." I didn't know what to say. I had expected Dimitri to argue with me, convince me to stay, not for him to agree with me. When I didn't respond, he continued. "When I lost Ivan…I didn't ever want to guard another Moroi. He was my best friend and even though I hadn't been there when it happened, losing him was the hardest time of my life. I was ready to quit then and there. Throw my stake down and walk away."
"What made you change your mind?" I asked meekly.
"A few things. But in the end, I knew deep down that I am a Guardian. I protect. I continued on because there was no other path for me. Then I was given the Dragomir Princess as a charge and given the task to bring you both back, and I found a new reason to keep fighting and protecting. You, Roza. You brought me back and I had a purpose again. There's nothing else I'd rather do than serve and protect the people I love. I miss Ivan every day but I know he wouldn't have wanted me to stop living my life. Mason wouldn't want you to give up. But, as I said, it is up to you." I thought through his words, picking them apart to try to find some fault. There was none. He was truly leaving the choice up to me. I was so confused; I didn't know what I was going to do. But I had to explain. Had to tell Dimitri why I felt so defeated.
I took a deep breath and began. "Since it happened, I've felt like I've been living within the bond. Like I'm watching everything but it's not my eyes that are seeing. It's not my head that I am in. It wasn't until that needle touched my neck that I realised this is real. This is my life and my body. This happened to me and I can't take it back."
"Sometimes the only thing that can bring you back to reality is pain," muttered Dimitri. I looked at him, my brow furrowed. "Alberta told me that once. I guess she was right."
"Yeah…I guess." I moved my fingers to the back of my neck where my fresh mark sat, covered by a cotton bandage.
"So, what do you want to do?" he asked after a long pause. I turned to look into his eyes and I knew in that instant, I would not be leaving.
"I am going to stay. I want to train harder and better. I will become the best Guardian I can possibly be. It isn't enough to be the best at the academy anymore. Mason was one of the best but it didn't matter on that field. I need to be better. For Lissa, for Mason, for you and myself." I turned to my whole body was facing Dimitri. "Will you help me?"
His answering smile was one that I had not seen for a while and it seemed to spark something deep within me. "Always, Roza."
I smiled in return and stood ready to go back to my room for some much-needed sleep. "Training begins tomorrow. No more distractions. I love you so much but it's time for me to focus."
"I can wait. I love you, Roza. We will do this together." He really was the best person in the world. One who always supported me no matter what and loved me more than I ever believed possible.
XXX
I walked into my room and was surprised to find a visitor. "Mom?" I asked. "What are you doing here?"
"I told you. We need to talk," she said. I nodded and closed the door before moving to stand closer to her. My mom took a deep breath, closing her eyes. "I know about your relationship with Guardian Belikov"
My heart pounded but I schooled my face into a look of confusion. "What are you talking-" her eyes narrowed and she jumped in, cutting me off.
"Stop! I saw how he looked at you after the battle…and I found these," she said stepping aside to reveal all of Dimitri's notes sprawled out on top of my bed. And there they were. Dimitri's beautiful love letters that I kept hidden inside my bedside table were spread out on top of my duvet. And my mother had read them all. This was bad. Very bad.
"Mom, please let me explain," I started slowly with a calm tone.
"Explain? I don't see how any explanation could justify this. Rosemarie, I thought you had changed but this is probably the most reckless thing you have ever done. How dare he? I trusted him to look after you and mentor you. Instead, he betrayed my trust in every way."
"It's not what you think," I tried again.
"I don't want to hear it, Rosemarie. This ends now! You will not see him again. I forbid it!" She exclaimed, shouting loud enough I worried the people down the hall might have heard something. Once she had finished her rant, I took a deep breath and shook my head.
"Mom, while I'm glad to have you in my life and respect that you are trying to be my mother, you don't have the right to tell me who I should and shouldn't be with."
"Excuse me?"
"You've been out of my life for so long, that you don't really know me. You've never been a shoulder for me to cry on or a person I seek out for advice. To be honest, you hardly know me at all." My mother's furious expression softened into one of shame. I placed my hand on her arm reassuringly, forcing her to meet my eyes. "I want you in my life and I want us to get to know each other but that isn't going to just happen overnight. It might be a week, a month or even a year, but one day I hope that you are the first person I turn to when I make a stupid mistake or I need some advice. Without you around, I had to learn to be independent. I had to grow up and understand that the decisions I make don't just affect me, they also affect Lissa, my bond-mate. If you want to be in my life as my mother, the first thing you need to know is that I love Dimitri and if you do anything that would hurt him, you hurt me too. This is my choice. He never forced me into anything, in fact, I initiated most of it. I love him with every inch of my being and I know he loves me too. So, I need you to trust my judgment even though you may not like it. Can you do that? For me?"
"You're right." Those were the last words I ever expected to hear from her lips. "You may be only seventeen but you're mature beyond your years." She sighed. "While I do not exactly approve of your choice and believe that this relationship is inappropriate, I will keep this information to myself as long as you both promise to be discrete while still at the academy."
I nodded. "I know my duty, Mom. And I can take care of myself."
She smiled sadly. "Yes, you can. I can see that now. You don't need me. I'm sorry I wasn't around to be the mother I should have been. I am trying and I hope one day to be the person who you can trust with any secret." Before she could say anything. I threw my arms around her. She seemed startled but slowly wrapped me in her arms. We stayed held in each other's embrace for a while in silence before she pulled back and cupped my cheek in her hand. Her calloused fingers from years of fighting were hard against my flesh but the contact and the gesture brought warmth to my heart. "Lord Szelsky is leaving soon," she told me. "I'll be going with him."
"I know," I said. There was no question she'd leave. That was how it was. Guardians followed Moroi. They came first.
"I love you, Rosemarie." I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and correct her.
Instead, I just said, "I love you too, Mom."
Her eyes darted back to my bed. "You might want to burn those letters. You never know who might go snooping through your room." That time I did roll my eyes.
She hugged me once more and then we parted ways with her promise to visit again soon.
My heart was healing, but with so many people around me who loved me, I knew I would get better one day. And so, I left that battlefield in my mind…never to return.
One more chapter to go! Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I hope it was just as interesting to read as it was to write. Please let me know your thoughts. With this story coming to an end I would like to hear your thoughts on what I should do next. New VA story? New Story in general? Re-write and fix up The Wrong Alchemist? Or re-write, fix up and continue one of my other stories? Let me know what you think. Thanks for reading! The last chapter will be written and published soon.