What?
Today, Ryo is going to tell Alice he loves her.
He had practiced it all week. Pacing in front of a mirror, hands shoved perilously deep into his pockets, he would cringe out, "Hey Alice, I kinda like slash love you? No, no, no….I think I'm in love with you? God, that sounds disgusting." He doesn't even need such a dramatic sounding speech; all he wants is a chance for Alice to see him in a different light. Not as an aide, but as something more.
Today would be his last chance in a while, though. Alice was invited to speak at a gastronomy conference in Greece. First, she has to take a boat to an island off of mainland Japan to fly to Europe with their private airplane. She decided not to bring Ryo so he could focus on his studies in Totsuki and because she wanted to try "doing things on my own!" for a bit. When he attempted to ask to come along, she immediately shut him down with a firm slap on the hand followed by giving him the cold shoulder for the rest of the day. When Alice was serious, she was serious. Of course, he couldn't help but think that she wanted to avoid him ever since that incident when she rolled over and their lips met…and she promptly couldn't look in his eyes ever since.
So, as Ryo lugs her overstuffed pink luggages behind him, he determines that before Alice gets on the ship today, he will tell her his true feelings. That way, if she rejects him, as he expects, he won't have to see her for two weeks. If she doesn't, for some odd reason, he will anticipate her return even more than usual. It's a win-win situation, Ryo insists to himself, but he can't help but feel he's the only one losing. Losing Alice to Greece and losing his nerves to a probably-cringeworthy monologue.
The first time he tries to say, "I love you," Ryo starts off drumming his fingertips on his knee and staring outside the window of the car. In front of him, the driver sighs in irritation at the traffic before them, but Ryo quietly whispers a thankful prayer to any supreme being out there; with more traffic, the car ride would be longer, so he would have plenty of time to work up the nerve to say it. Beside him, Alice looks out of her side of the car, ignoring the reflection of Ryo faintly appearing on the window. Still as awkward as ever, he notes.
"I…" he begins. Is he going to just say it?
Alice scrunches up her nose in anticipation but doesn't turn toward him.
"I think you'll have a great time in Greece," he finishes monotonously — lamely.
"Oh, I know I will," Alice starts up perkily, sitting straighter in her seat. "Here are all the things I'm going to do! First, I'll check out the pool — you booked a hotel with a pool, right? You know I like that. Anyway, I'll swim for a bit and then…" As she babbles on, Ryo glowers in anger at his inability to just say it. "Plus, you won't be there!"
Ryo scowls at his thoughts.
"Ryo, I was only joking! Of course I'll miss you, no need for the long face," she pouts, pinching his cheeks to form a makeshift smile. At her touch, he inadvertently stiffens. She must have noticed, because she immediately withdraws her hands and clears her throat. "I mean, I won't miss you that much. You'll miss me, right?" The last part is more a demand than a question, but Ryo inwardly laughs at her insecurity. Of course he'll miss her. Feeling otherwise would be a crime to humanity.
"I'm not sure I will," he plays along. Just for a little bit. He'll miss their quick banter. "I won't have someone ordering me to fetch condensed milk at 5 AM."
"That was ONCE, Ryo, and you're still hanging it over my head?"
"Twice," he reminds her.
"Whatever! Who cares about that anyway," Alice sulks before leaning her head on the window, clearly not wanting to talk. Ryo mentally slaps himself. His jokes did not play out well; in fact, the result was the opposite of what he intended. Now, it would be even harder to say what he intended to say.
The second time he tries to say it, they're already at the docks. The ship hasn't started boarding yet since Alice and Ryo arrived a few hours early (at the behest of Alice's father, who was eager for his daughter to leave the house after hours of incessant nagging regarding the use of a dehydrator she recently bought), so Ryo rattles around with the luggage while Alice window-shops around the food stalls and little stores. "Wouldn't that look so cute on me?" asks Alice, pointing out a fluttery violet dress, lace peeping out of its neckline. Ryo doesn't even have to imagine it on her to nod; first, he automatically agrees with everything she says (it makes things easier, he's discovered over the years) but also because he knows she'd look beautiful in everything. She moves on from the store, her light cardigan falling to her wrists and revealing her slender shoulders. Even though the summer air feels stifling, Ryo had insisted she wear some layers as the ship would probably be cold. "Come on, keep up. Why are you so slow?"
"I-I lo…" he grunts through clenched teeth, his voice trailing off into a low hum.
"What? What did you say?"
"I lo…of…I of…" he fumbles.
"Ryo, spit it out!"
"Eye of the beholder," he mumbles lamely. The right words would not leave his lips, so he acquiesces to the most similar-sounding words.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder? Are you saying I'd look ugly in it? Hmph!" Alice huffs.
"N-no, that's not what I meant…"
"Whatever, Ryo! Who cares if I'm ugly to you," she says, sticking out her tongue.
Again, that's not what he meant. He balls his fists in frustration. By now, there's only two hours left before she leaves. But if all else failed…
Ryo feels the plastic rectangular container rub against his ribs inside of his jacket pocket. Inside sits an array of small Japanese pastries, delicately created the nights before today. The center, though, calls attention to a Droemmekage, a traditional Danish "dream cake" dusted with brown sugar and coconut flakes for its signature sweet flavor. From a layperson, the cake would just look like an ordinary dessert, but Ryo knows that Alice would immediately be able to identify not just the amount of care that went in as well as the memories tied into it. As Alice bubbles over the clothing stores beside him, he thinks about the time they didn't walk together yet.
Danish dream cake. That's the dish he won with. After battling for two years, Ryo had finally won a shokugeki against Alice. He stared at the small pastry in shock as Alice cried across the kitchen, dripping tears onto her pink apron.
"No fair, Ryo!" Alice wailed, rubbing at her tear-stained cheeks. "Rematch! I want a rematch!"
Ryo wanted to laugh at her crestfallen face but he knew she wouldn't take too well at that. Instead, he pushed the plate toward her. "Try it," he demanded.
"No!"
"Yes," he insisted, setting a fork down.
Despite trying to resist, Alice finally sighed and accepted the fork. "Don't expect a dramatic reaction!" she snapped before shoving a small piece into her mouth. Ryo could tell that the sweet deluge of flavor flooded her mouth in unrelenting waves; he could tell that she wanted more — desperately so, seeing the tremble in her fingers — but her pride wouldn't let her take another bite.
"Well?" he smirked.
"It's alright," she said.
"That's it?"
"…It's good. You beat me," Alice finally admitted grudgingly, looking away. Her pride was obviously hurt, but she still acknowledged good cooking when she saw (and tasted) it.
"Thank you, milady."
Alice's eyes shot back to him. "Does that mean…?"
He nodded. "I'll be your aide, Miss Alice." Even though he finally beat her, he still wanted to remain by her side for some inexplicable reason. Something about the way she challenged him made him want to fight her forever. Who knew that this moment would change his life forever?
Ever since then, they gave each other the Droemmekage for special events as a cute tradition just between the two of them. Just as it was the first food she lost at to Ryo, it also celebrated one year of him being her aide and the day they both learned they passed the exam to get into Totsuki. Now, Ryo will give it to Alice before she boarded the ship to mark the day he wanted something more with her. Food was what brought them together, so it's appropriate now that food is his farewell present. It can bring them together even when they are thousands of miles apart.
Reflecting on his memories, Ryo absentmindedly thumbs at the red bandana on his wrist. He has definitely mellowed out since the days of constant shokugekis — and losses — against Alice. Not that it was a bad thing; Ryo likes his laidback demeanor, his lax attitude toward life. He took things as they came, mostly because that was the way you survived around Alice. He wouldn't have it any other way. She has too much fire for the both of them, so he doesn't mind being the calming water of the duo. Sometimes, when he had his bandana on, though, their roles would switch; he would be the fire and she would be the relaxing presence bringing him to his senses. That was the nature of their partnership: yin and yang.
So, he might as well say it. It's not like, if she rejects him, he will lose his greatest partner in life or anything. "Damn, I'm psyching myself out," Ryo muttered.
"What did you say?"
"Um…" He might as well say it. "I love…"
For a moment, Alice's confused expression morphs into one of fear and distrust. He has never seen that look on her face, especially toward him of all people. It's a harrowing realization, knowing that he evoked such strong negative emotions. Is the possibility of his feelings so horrifying that she should draw away in horror, dismay, disgust? Her face only flickers for a moment, though, before it washes away like footprints on a beach: ephemeral yet eternal. You know that the footprints were there, but they're gone before you have proof.
"I love the sea," Ryo spits out angrily in a way opposite of someone proclaiming their great love for nature.
"Well, of course you do," Alice says hurriedly, smiling so wide he knows it's forced. "Your main thing is seafood! Come along, it's almost time to board. Grab my suitcase."
Over the course of the day, Ryo had been coming to one conclusion: he is simply an aide. If she collected anyone else from Denmark or Europe or in the whole world to serve her, they would all fall in love with her and she would think of them just the same as she thought of him: as a measly worker she saved from desolate obscurity. Ryo takes her baggage and drags it behind him. He walks slowly because each step is a step closer to their separation, but there used to be a time when he wanted her to leave. It was a long time ago, but Ryo smiles at the distant memory.
Alice was about to leave for a small research trip to America. She wanted to bring Ryo, but he absolutely refused to go. Usually, he would swallow his feelings and follow Alice wherever she led, but this time was different; they had been fighting pretty frequently lately, from the smallest things like the cake Ryo bought for her birthday ("Red velvet is my second-favorite flavor," Alice whined. "You know I wanted vanilla!") to larger issues like how Ryo was getting tired of traveling constantly. So, they mutually decided they needed a break from each other.
"Don't burn the house down," she said, sliding her arm into the jacket sleeve Ryo was holding up for her.
"When have I ever?"
"Just, be careful! You'll be the only one in the house!"
"You're nagging me as if I'm careless like you," he remarked dryly. "Stop moving." As Alice tried not to fidget, he gently wrapped a red scarf around her neck. Winters could get frigid here in Japan.
"Why do I have to be so bundled up?" Alice complained, tugging at the scarf. "I'll be in the car and then the plane. I'll hardly be outside!"
"The airport gets cold."
"I look like an idiot! Ugh, whatever, I'll see you in a week? Text me!"
"You know I won't."
"I know," she laughed. "You don't even know how to use a cellphone and it's the age of technology. Get with the times, Ryo!"
"Says the person who insists on paper newspapers," he teased. For a moment, he relished in their easy rapport. Why couldn't every day be like this? Alice must have felt it too because she smiled uneasily and patted his shoulder.
"I guess I better get going," she said, a little quieter than before.
"Yeah, I guess," Ryo said. "I'll — "
"Bye!" With a flick of her hand, she left the house, leaving the door open out of habit (Ryo always closed doors for her) and didn't look back.
"I'll miss you," he said to the loneliness of the house. Even though he wanted her to leave without him, he felt strangely empty inside.
Since then, their relationship had gotten a lot better: fewer pointless arguments and more reading in between the lines and finishing each other's thoughts. Ryo knows Alice better than the back of his hand, but perhaps he can't ask for the same dedication. After all, she's got so much ahead of her and it seemed like a gift that he was able to even stand beside her. She gave him everything: a home, a family, and friends.
"You'll miss me," she suddenly says, knowing it's a fact. They're at the boardwalk now, where the large ship floats a few paces away. In the crowd of relatives saying goodbye to each other, Ryo awkwardly jostles shoulders with crying mothers and hugging couples. Looking down at Alice, whose eyes peer up at him expectantly, he knows that she has given him something more: freedom. She had given him the freedom to stand beside her, which he chose to do all those years ago, and along the way found a home and a community. Along the way, he fell in love with her. And now, he has the damn freedom to say it if he's just brave enough for it.
"Passengers may begin boarding," an intercom announces, radiating vibrations throughout the air. Ryo feels the clunk of the Droemmekage inside his pocket. It's now or never.
"I guess this is it," she says, taking the suitcase from him.
"Wait, I…" She pauses. Once again, the shadow of fear distorts her eyes, and Ryo's heart trembles. He cannot bear the thought of their relationship crumbling; even if he so desperately wants to just say it, even if he has the freedom to do so, it's not worth it if Alice will only get upset. So instead, he pulls out the Droemmekage. "I wanted to give this to you."
Through the translucent plastic, she observes the various pastries, including the Danish dream cake. A look of recognition dawns on her face. "This? Ryo, why? It's not like…"
"It's not like you're leaving forever, I know," he finishes. "But, I don't know, it just feels right." He doesn't have to say anything more because she understands right away. Even though the giving of the Danish dream cake between them was just for special events, there's something special about her departure today. Maybe it's the "I love you" on the edge of his lips or the way she silently suspects what's on his mind, but today is undeniably special for the both of them.
"Thank you," she says, cradling the plastic container in her hands. She opens her mouth to say something more but then chooses against it.
"Last call! Passengers should be boarding NOW!" the intercom booms. Ryo notices that Alice is one of the only people with luggage on the boardwalk. Most passengers have already said their farewells. It's just them now, shuffling awkwardly with too much silence and not enough words; goodbyes are unfamiliar to them, having been inseparable for so long. Silence used to be easy for them, but now it's just a heavy reminder that they both couldn't speak when it mattered the most.
"I should go," she says.
"You should," Ryo says, swallowing the lump in his throat of things left unsaid.
"Ryo, I…I can't imagine you not here beside me." Alice hesitates before grabbing his sleeve. Her touch, usually familiar, suddenly rakes electricity through his veins. This is the closest they've been all day.
"What do you mean? You'll only be gone a week."
"I mean, the way we are now. I don't want that to change."
Ryo's face doesn't move. He doesn't even blink. "Why not?"
"I'm scared," she admits to him. Under her pale hair, Alice flushes a deep red. "We've been together like this, mistress and aide, for so long, so why fix something that doesn't need fixing?"
"Because maybe it can be something better," Ryo says. They speak in invisible riddles but they both understand what's being said. "Haven't you thought of that?"
"I have."
"Don't be scared," he urges quietly, and anyone else would have missed the undercurrent of desperation tucked under his languid voice. But Alice is not anyone else; as the person who knows Ryo the best, she squeezes his wrist in reassurance.
"Let me think about it," she says. "I have to go or else the ship will leave without me. You better not have too much fun without me!"
"I wouldn't dare to…Miss Alice," he says, his heart sinking like an anchor holding him in place where he's always stood — close to her, but not quite there with her. At his formal use of her name, Alice winces and lets go of his sleeve before nodding a quick goodbye. He watches as she races up to the ship, rushing apologies to the attendants on the port. Right as she reaches the main deck where the rest of the passengers stand, the ship begins to leave the dock, a vociferous horn signaling its departure. From the boardwalk far below her, Ryo sees Alice's small hands wave daintily in the air at him.
So, nothing has changed. Alice effectively rejected him, claiming she needed to think when there really wasn't anything to think about. What could there be to think about? You either like someone or you don't. He thought she liked him back at least somewhat, remembering the late movie nights with her head on his shoulder. Or that rainy day of the wedding when they were both soaking but wouldn't rather be anywhere else. Or the time he returned after his five-month adventure in Europe alone, and she drank up the sight of him because she missed him. Or on that camping trip when she kissed him and he realized he loved her.
Maybe she doesn't like him. At all. He always went back and forth in his mind about this. Sure, maybe there were signs she returned his feelings, but girls could be confusing, couldn't they be? Ryo watches Alice's small figure, nearly a dot unless he squints, positioned at the tip of the ship, no doubt enjoying the salt breeze. The wind sends strands of her hair fluttering in a mess as she holds the silver railing with one hand and continues to wave with the other at him. She looks like a princess, leaving him for something beyond him. He can't let it go like this.
"Alice!" Ryo bellows, and he starts sprinting as fast as he can, moving in the direction of the ship. His hands are already tying his red bandana around his forehead, enhancing his speed. There's only so much of the dock left for him to run, so he only gets one chance at this. "Alice!"
"Ryo?" He hears her voice battling against the roar of the ship engine. "What the hell are you doing? Why are you running?"
"Alice!" Ryo shouts again. To hell with everything. The entire day, he was agonizing over a few stupid words, wondering if she liked him back. Now, it doesn't matter; whether she does or doesn't, he's going to say it. "I'm done with you calling all the shots of how this is going to work! You gave me freedom, remember? So I'm gonna use it to say this: I — " Just as the words "I love you" leave his mouth, the ship's horn blares out into the air, effectively hiding every sound in its proximity.
"What?" Alice yells, her voice more like an echo a world away.
It's too late. He's reached the edge of the dock and the ship continues to sail forward. Alice's vanishing dot of a figure minimizes from his view. But he said it. He said the damn words, and even if Alice couldn't hear, he knows he'll be able to say it the next chance he gets.
Hi guys! I didn't realize how slow this was actually gonna be - it really is kind of a slow-burn, with Alice being somewhat reluctant to move forward with Ryo. I thought it would be an interesting idea to see Ryo push for it while Alice pulls back because, watching the anime, you'd think Alice would be the pushy one. Now, at least in my fic, I wanted to turn the tables and make Alice be the one not to jump ship. Two more chapters! I'll try to update on a weekly basis, but we'll see how that goes...This chapter was a little hard to write because I lost a little steam, so I apologize if it's a little clunky! Hopefully the next chapter will be more smooth.
To kageshoujo: I am actually planning something in Alice's POV! Hopefully it'll explain why she's so dense LOL
To NinjaWolf101: yup, the waiting game is actually way more than I anticipated :o Because there are only two chapters left based on how I planned it, I guess there won't be a lot of cute moments akin to that of a nice relationship? That's definitely kageshoujo's forte (again, shoutout to In Between a Thousand Battles!).
Anyway, thanks for reading! I appreciate the reviews!