a/n: Thank you for reading! Enjoy! Trigger warning for self harm in this chapter.

ALSO: I have the next chapter already written and IT'S A DOOZY LET ME TELL YOU. It was originally one chapter but it was much too long. So here's the deal: 10 reviews on this chapter, and you get the next one. First six reviews on this chapter will get a sneak peek at the next chapter sent to their inbox (if you don't have an account leave me an email address or Tumblr/Twitter account to contact.

Other Updates: I have decided that I will definitely be ending this in the next few chapters and picking up in a sequel very shortly after, but I have a story I've actually already started writing I would like to start posting in between finishing this and starting the sequel. Just a head's up :o) If anyone wants to talk about PLL now that it's back on the air feel free to message me on here or contact me on Tumblr (link in bio).

Spencer went to the dance studio feeling groggy and underwhelmed - something not typical of her experience at the studio. At least, not the underwhelmed part. She just wanted to snuggle by the fire in the makeshift blanket fort with Toby. She hadn't had time to go home first, and her mouth still tasted like marshmallow stickiness and Toby's teeth. That was a weird thing to think, right? That your mouth could taste like someone's teeth. But she decided it made sense and continued to rally her preschoolers into the classroom as she took a mental note about which little ones were absent that morning. She sat against the mirrored wall as she updated attendance charts and reviewed the lesson plan, as she still had a minute or so to start and they were waiting on two girls, so she figured she'd give them a few to show up, and a few moments to herself to wake up. It was becoming less hard to snap out of her drowsiness as the little feet clattered across the sprung-wood floors in their little taps shoes, stomping and jumping and clanking against one another in amusement at the metallic sounds that echoed around them. No matter how many months passed of class time, they were always just as amused. She loved teaching, but she was too tired today. Too tired for the little click-clacking cacophony of chaotic little tapping feet, too spoiled by Toby's warmth to want anything else this morning. But she got up anyway and click-clacked along with the girls, trying to get some semblance of rhythm between them all. Considering they were all only three and four years old, it was going pretty well.

Halfway through the combination class, the little girls scurried out to the lobby and dressing rooms to change into their ballet slippers. When Spencer sluggishly made her way out, she stood more upright as her mouth opened in surprise. Toby was leaning against the receptionists' desk, conversing with the receptionist and another woman she could only see from the back at the moment.

"Toby?" She laughed. "What are you even doing awake? You didn't sleep until…"

He cut her off and shoved a coffee cup into her hands. "You're welcome," he smiled devilishly.

"Spencer," The woman spun around as Toby made his way around Spencer to kiss her cheek and rub out her slumped over shoulders while she had a break. "Just the girl I was hoping to see!"

Spencer's eyes narrowed, trying to place the woman, and it finally dawned on her - this was the woman from the grocery store with the little girl whose hair she braided - Clarissa was her name. She then realized she didn't actually know the mother's name. "Oh, what a surprise." she laughed.

"This was the only studio around here, so I figured I had a pretty good shot!" The woman smiled.

"Yeah…" Spencer's eyes seemed to be darting, as she tried to recall if she knew the woman's name.

"I'm sorry," the woman said, seeing Spencer's confusion. "I should have introduced myself. I'm Haley Martinson." She said, extending her hand.

Spencer grasped it. "So good to see you, Mrs. Martinson." Spencer smiled.

"Mommy, Mommy…" Clarissa came running over, her hair in a braid similar to the one Spencer had done just yesterday, clinging to her mom's leg.

"Please, call me Haley." She smiled. "Clarissa, remember Spencer from yesterday? Say hi!"

The little girl all of a sudden played shy and giggled as she hid behind her mom.

"Did you guys need something?" Spencer said, taking a long gulp of her coffee, smiling that Toby had actually gotten her order right this time. Double-espressio with just a touch of vanilla soy milk, or 2% regular milk if there wasn't any soy. And definitely never almond milk. He had learned the hard way that to her, they were not interchangeable. And yes, she tasted the difference. She playfully bumped backward into Toby in a cute way of saying thank you without interrupting Haley.

"I was actually talking to Linda," she motioned over to the receptionist desk, "and Toby," she smiled at him, "but they referred me to you since it's your class. That class you're teaching… I know it's late in the year, but we're here just for a few months for my husband's job. We're from California, but my husband is running the East Coast office until December. Anyway, could Clarissa join your class? She really needs to get some of her energy out, and you seemed so good with children, and we're new to the area…" Haley explained. "And—"

Spencer cut her off there. "She is more than welcome. You can work out payment with Linda, she'll charge you only for the months she'll be dancing. If she catches up like I think she will," Spencer said smiling down at the blushing little girl, "she'll be in our end-of-year recital on June 30, and if you decide that you'll have to buy a costume. If you're available this morning until noon, our class isn't over yet. Linda will get her some ballet shoes, but for now she can even come in in her socks and come hang out with us." She said crouching down. "What do you say, Clarissa?" Spencer smiled.

"Mommy I'm gonna go dance OKAY?" Clarissa said letting go of her mom's leg and immediately latching on to Spencer's hand, holding on with both of her little ones.

Spencer just laughed. "She'll be out at 12," she smiled, bringing her into the classroom and introducing her to the other little girls. Spencer was feeling really accomplished. She brought in new business to the studio just by talking to an inquisitive little girl in the baking aisle of the A&P. It made her momentarily feel like she really could do this for a living in the future, if she ever really got the chance.

xx

After class, Spencer came out and Toby was waiting in the lobby biting the straw of his half-full iced coffee and speedily texting with the other hand.

Spencer sat next to him in a pretzel on the chairs like a little kid and took the cup away from him without even asking. She took a long sip and then made a face at him. "How do you drink this so sweet? And through a mangled straw I might add," she teased.

"I don't understand how you almost never put any sugar in yours."

"I appreciate my coffee for what it is," she shrugged laughing.

"Do you have time for lunch before your next class?" He leaned in. Especially with the older girls she would be both teaching and dancing in her own classes much more since the recital was in just under two months away, which would fly by.

"A quick one," she said, taking another sip of his coffee and making less of a face this time, but still not enjoying it.

"I'll buy you another coffee if you want one so bad, you don't have to drink mine - one, because I want it, and two, because you clearly don't like it." He laughed and she laughed back.

"No, I shouldn't. I'm not even hungry, actually. I've got some protein bars in my bag. But we can hang out until my class in an hour." She shrugged.

He took her by the hand and brought her to his truck where they could listen to the radio and kiss a little bit.

"I'm too tired," she said pushing him off while laughing a bit.

"I know, I just can't stand it being near you and not touching you." He had a devilish grin on his face.

"I know yesterday got you all riled up," she said messing up his hair. "But nothing is different. Besides, I have to wait like a week before they're effective anyway…" She said still playing with his hair, not making eye contact. It was still a little weird to her to talk about this sex stuff, never mind doing it. Not that she didn't like it, it was just still very new to her and she was still a little awkward about it. She still didn't really comprehend how a dork like her lost her virginity before she was 30, never mind in high school to the running back of the football team and shortstop of the baseball team.

"You know that I love that with you," he said imitating her movements by tangling his fingers in her own curls. "But I'm not an animal or some piggish jock stereotype. The sex isn't what I like about being with you… Buuuuuut I like doing that a lot and we should keep doing that." He smirked.

"Stop being corny," she grumbled, smiling a little.

"I lo—" he stopped himself without her having to shove her hand in his mouth. His heart sank into his stomach, feeling squeezed and stressed about how she still would react so negatively and nearly manic-depressively when she even guessed he was on the verge of uttering the three little words that were supposed to be lighter and easier and joyful, but were everything but. "I, uh, I want to see you tonight if you're around," he said alternatively. "Maybe we can invite Aria and Holden and Hanna and Caleb over to watch some movies," He suggested. It'd been a while since he'd seen his friends, and even longer since Spencer had wanted to socialize with anybody but him.

"I can't," she frowned. "Dinner with my parents and Wren and Melissa tonight." She sounded just as thrilled as you'd think. Which meant not really happy at all.

"Do you need me to come over?" He said rubbing her thigh, knowing how those dinners usually went.

"No…it's okay. But if it's not too late I'll text you when they leave. You know, it would be nice to see Aria and Hanna and Holden and Caleb…and you too, obviously. We could probably use the projector in the backyard and take over the barn. The renovations have been finished in there for a while now but no one ever uses it."

"Let me know later." He said giving her a quick kiss. "You have to go or you're gonna be late," he smiled.

"Bye," she smiled flirtatiously as she slung her bag over her shoulder and shoved the crumpled protein bar wrapper into the front pocket of her dance bag as she walked back into the studio.

Toby drove away, hopeful to see her that night, but feeling kind of weird. Part of him also felt like it might be better to have some space. He was so caught up in all of his dad's shit and not knowing when he would be back, and his anxiety cross-referencing every symptom his mother ever suffered with in her depression with Spencer's antics. Like how she looked like she was going to implode when she even thought he might say the L-word. And how much his heart hurt that he couldn't. He hated this, and thought it was a phase, but it already felt too long. He didn't know how long to let this drag out for.

xx

Spencer opened her back door while chugging from her water bottle. She dropped her keys on the counter and went straight for the fridge as she traded her water bottle for a bottled smoothie and a package of cheese for a sandwich.

Spencer shut the fridge and put down the bottle and cheese package on the counter and spun around to get the bread from the breadbox on the other side of the fridge when she saw Melissa standing at the counter, scrolling on her iPad which was plugged in near the Keuring.

"Have you cleaned your act up yet?" Melissa looked up, raising her eyebrows. "Mom and Dad haven't had anything to say, which is shocking - and either means you've finally learned or you've royally fucked up worse than they'll even tell me."

"Oh my God, Melissa, you scared the crap out of me." Spencer said holding her chest, jumping backward a little bit and dropping the bread on the floor. She bent to pick up the package and scrunched up her nose as she started to assemble her sandwich near the stove to make grilled cheese. "Wait, what are you talking about." She had only heard part of what Melissa said as she was so shocked and hadn't seen her there.

"Do you or do you not understand that Wren is mine?" Melissa growled. "Just because he'll be around more that doesn't give you permission to impose yourself."

"Okay, Melissa, you know what?!" Spencer raised her voice, sounding so fed up she might blow her top. "He kissed me. And that was, like, months ago. And was one time. And I have a boyfriend."

"Yeah, I still don't get that one." Melissa made a face. "Is he trying to get into the law program at his college or something?"

"This isn't about Toby," Spencer said flipping her sandwich and taking out a plate, slamming the cabinet as she took out what she needed. "And no, he likes French. But he's not really worried about a major, he's going to play football. But that's not the point, the point is—"

"You put out, didn't you?" Melissa laughed. "First date? Second? Did he even take you to dinner or did you just jump right into it?" She said laughing harder and shaking her head, as if she couldn't even handle her own humor.

Spencer swallowed hard. She couldn't ever tell anybody how it all really started without sounding pathetic, she realized. She also realized that until more recently, they actually hadn't gone out on a date. Certainly not before she gave him her virginity.

"Can we not talk about this?!" Spencer yelled.

"Spencer, settle down," Peter called from his office and Spencer rolled her eyes.

"Come on, it's just sister talk. I'm not judging you, i get it, you're different. But I've been dying to know the truth." She said it as if the word different was synonymous with defective.

"He… he's sweet, he's not like that, okay." She stammered out.

"He's a jock, come on."

"He lo…he loves me." She stammered once more.

"Let me guess, he told you that while you were sucking him off or sleeping with him." Her eyes lit up. "I just don't want you to make a fool out of yourself, I'm looking out for you. And I know Wren is very accomplished and handsome and he's got the accent…but when school ends and Toby leaves you, you can't think you've got a backup plan…"

Spencer was lost in her thoughts. She remembered when Toby said he loved her. How did Melissa know - how did Spencer not put it together… They were in bed together when he said it. And she slept with him more than once that night. I made it so easy. Spencer reprimanded herself, feeling her cheeks burn up in embarrassment. No, no, stop this. He's not like that. He's a nice guy. When he said it, he thought he meant it. He just hasn't spent enough time to realize that…well, Melissa's right. He will leave. And find a girl who isn't broken. Nobody loves anything broken, they just love the idea of what it is - what it could be: whole. He still thinks he can fix you. He makes everything better, but you're still Spencer. Melissa just said it all. Spencer was suddenly lost in her depressive thoughts, feeling crushed by the weight of everything happening, second guessing everything in her life.

"Spencer…helloOoOooO…." Melissa waved her hand in front of Spencer's face, bringing her out of her own head.

"Why are you so obsessed with thinking I'm going to steal Wren? Shouldn't you trust your fiancé more?"

"I just don't trust you." She shrugged.

"I'm only ever with him when you're here anyway. And like I said, I'm not going to do anything." She said defending herself loudly once more.

"Spencer…" Peter called again, implying she simmer down.

"I can't be home all the time…" Melissa said walking over to the fridge to grab the juice and pouring it into a cup.

"What?"

"Didn't Mom or Dad tell you? We had so many repairs to do on the house that we decided to just rip out all of the old appliances and fixtures and do a complete renovation, so we don't keep wasting money fixing it piece by piece. Just do it all at once. So we'll be here for a few months while the house gets finished."

"You're moving back in?!" Spencer's jaw might has well been on the floor.

"Don't act so excited," Melissa joked. "Just stay away from Wren." She said sternly and walked out of the kitchen.

Suddenly, Spencer wasn't so hungry anymore. She dumped her untouched grilled cheese right into the trash and ran up to her room.

She sat on her bean bag chair by her bed, haunted by the blinking cursor on the empty text to Toby. She wanted to ask him if he still loved her, she wanted to tell him all of the horrible things Melissa said, and laugh about it because what they had was so clearly authentic. But the more she ran through it all in her mind, the more Melissa's version of events seemed to be more accurate. She eventually closed the text message, recounting all of the times she bared herself to him, physically and emotionally. All of the times he climbed on top of her in the middle of a conversation. All the times she pinched herself because it seemed too good to be true.I should know by now that anything that seems too good to be true, probably is… And that's me and him. Too good to be true. He doesn't mean to hurt me, he thinks it's real…I think. I really think he is better than Melissa wants to give him credit for. But my bad choices have led us here. I've done all the wrong things, and that's why he thinks all of those things. I've made him happy in the ways he wanted. And he's misconstrued those as real feelings. Or something. This is your fault. You're always ruining things—

Her thoughts were cut off by her mom calling her down for dinner.

"Did you hear the exciting news, Spencer?" Wren silted giddily, pulling the chair next to Spencer as he had last time, his hand lingering under the tablecloth as it had last time. But she squirmed away this time, moving her chair over towards her mother.

"Uhm, yeah." She said softly, tucking hair behind her ear.

"I'm so glad to have my daughter back home, just for a little while anyway. It's selfish but your father and I have missed having you here like you couldn't even imagine."

Spencer sunk in her chair. Why wasn't she enough for her mom and dad? Why did they miss Melissa so much and barely even pay attention to her own comings and goings.

"I've been here," Spencer said quietly. She even shocked herself by saying it out loud. "You've had a daughter home," She expanded, her cheeks hot. She never spoke to her parents like that, never anything about Melissa. She knew better than that.

Her parents looked shocked, at each other, and then at Melissa. Peter swallowed what he had in his mouth. "Yeah but Spence, that's…"

"Different." Her mother finished. She said the words in the same derogatory way her sister had earlier.

"I know." Spencer nodded. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I said that… The chicken is great, Mom." She said taking a small fork full. She felt like she might be sick.

"You should be excited to have your sister home," Peter added. "You could learn a lot from her."

"I know," Spencer nodded once more. She barely ate. She went through the meal without so much as another peep, even when Wren put his arm around her chair. She wondered how he got away with all of this with Melissa at the same God damned table, yet she was the homewrecker.

She helped her mother clean up and sent herself to bed soon after, everything seemingly hazy.

As soon as she walked in the door, she started to cry. She felt 12 felt like she was falling back into that bad place she had spent all year crawling out of. She opened her drawer, digging for aspirin when her small makeup mirror fell off of the desktop and shattered onto her floor. As she started to pick up the pieces, she pricked her finger on a sharp piece. Chills rushed down her spine as that familiar hurt came over her hand. The kind she'd learned to love way back when. Before the lies. Before Toby. She was a different Spencer now.

But in that moment, she was 12 years old and she just realized that her parents weren't just busy with work and unsentimental. She could remember it like it was yesterday. She stood proudly in the entryway to the kitchen, waiting for her parents to be done talking to Melissa to show them a certificate she'd gotten at dance for her advanced technique and she'd been bumped up to the next age group prematurely. She had tried to interject during a few lulls, but they kept telling her to be quiet. Melissa was talking about her campaign for class president. And then it happened: they told Melissa they loved her. And when it was finally her turn to talk, she was shooed away and disregarded as having brought them nonsense. The certificate had gone into the garbage. And Spencer very calmly went upstairs and decided she needed to compensate for the mistakes she was making, feeling worse about them because she didn't understand what made them mistakes. She was raised to listen to her parents without question, and to this day had not realized that it was them making the mistakes, and she was just a victim.

She remembered reading about self-harm, and not understanding the complexity of it. She just knew that she deserved it, in her mind. And she made a thin horizontal line across her wrist with her very first pink disposable razor, well, the razor blade popped out of the pink shaver anyway.

And just as she remembered that first time, her current day self mimicked the old Spencer as she picked up the broken glass from the floor. Slice, slice, slice, wrap tight and breathe. She realized she was holding the glass too tightly and her fingers were bleeding as well, a bit dripping into her carpet, but she didn't care. It was an unbreakable cycle. She used her legs this time, battering her thighs rather than her already scarred forearm.

She ignored her texts from Toby that night, wanting just to sleep and be away from everyone.

She was so happy yesterday, and now, she was at rock bottom again. She knew it was crazy, but she was so lost that she did what she could to bring back any order she could. It just so happened that the order in her life was quite destructive. She didn't mean to fall into the hole, or to be a cliche. She had just turned a bad habit into just that - a habit.