Wow... thank you so much for the response to last chapter, I don't really know what to say. This one is a little shorter, but hopefully you enjoy it!
Only four more chapters after this one :(
Chapter 22
The entire time that Beca is talking, Chloe doesn't move.
She leaves her hand on Beca's knee, listening as the story comes from her lips, afraid that any movement on her part could result in Beca shutting down completely.
She listens as Beca tells her about Tara.
She listens as Beca tells her about Tyler and the way he became so enraged at the sight of his foster daughter kissing another girl.
She listens as Beca tells her about Tara leaving Macy at the house, and how CR immediately ran to her side.
She listens as Beca tells her about waking up in the hospital, and not being able to see her sister at first and feeling the panic associated with that.
She listens as Beca tells her about having to explain to Macy what had happened and knowing, deep-down, that she never really fully understood.
She listens as Beca tells her in between sobs that Meghan took Macy away from her for three weeks while she was still in the hospital, and how during that time, she wasn't sure if she was going to see the little girl ever again.
Chloe doesn't make any move to wipe the tears that start falling onto her cheeks mere moments after Beca starts telling her what had happened at her last foster home, wondering, the entire time, how Beca managed to survive it all.
Because this…this is unlike anything that Chloe has heard in her entire life. The pain, the torture, the trauma that Beca has gone through… Chloe can barely wrap her mind around it. It's just… how can people be so cruel? And most of all, how can Beca just function after all that has happened to her?
When Beca finishes, the two seniors fall silent on the front steps of Chloe's porch, the only sounds around them being the chirping of the morning birds, and the occasional sniffle coming from both girls. And though Beca is staring off into the distance, not being able to bring herself to look at Chloe, her insides are screaming.
She just told Chloe more than she's ever told anyone ever.
Well, Beca has already told Chloe more over the last few months than she's ever told anyone in years. The relationship that they've formed is something that Beca has never experienced before; a relationship filled with such a natural trust and understanding, that it's almost foreign to the brunette. As much as she loves what she has with Chloe, she can't help but be afraid of what Chloe's reaction might be.
Because this… this was a lot.
Like, potentially-could-send-Chloe-running, a lot.
And Beca doesn't want to break the silence because she knows that once she does, there is a possibility that every connection that she has ever felt with the amazing girl that is Chloe Beale, could shatter. Into a million pieces. Unable to be repaired.
"Bec?"
Beca gulps, mentally preparing herself for whatever is about to come out of Chloe's mouth.She clears her throat slightly, never once turning to face her friend. Here it goes. "Yeah?"
Chloe takes another steadying breath, her eyes still fresh with tears. "I'm going to give you a hug, Beca. Is that okay?" When Chloe sees the slight – very slight and potentially surprised – nod of her head, she wraps her arms tightly around the brunette, holding her in her embrace like if she were to loosen her arms even a little bit, Beca might shatter into a million pieces and disappear with the breeze. "I…I don't even know what to say."
Beca pulls away from the hug a little too soon for Chloe's liking, simply brushing her own tears off of her cheek and forcing a small, tight-lipped, teary-eyed smile onto her face. "It's fine. I'm uh… I'm sorry for just laying all of that on you."
Chloe's jaw drops slightly, eyebrows already furrowed. "What? No, Bec, don't apologize. Don't ever apologize for talking to me about this kind of stuff, okay?" She searches Beca's face for any kind of acceptance of what she's saying, but it seems like Beca is drifting further and further away from reality. Chloe takes her hands in hers, begging Beca to meet her eyes. "I am so sorry that you had to go through that."
Beca allows her hands to be held in Chloe's soft fingers but keeps her hazy gaze somewhere on the ground in front of them. "I didn't want to tell you," she says honestly.
"Why not?" Chloe knows that she can't be hurt by it. All of this is…big. Big, and messy, and she is sure that it was painful for Beca to relive it. It was painful enough for Chloe to hear.
Beca shrugs, feeling a small sense of comfort when Chloe starts rubbing her finger against the back of her hand. "I don't like talking about it. It's…hard."
It takes everything in Chloe not to bring the brunette into another embrace. She is so glad that her parents aren't home, and they can simply sit here and have this conversation without worrying about someone looking over their shoulders. "Why did you?"
Finally, for the first time since she stopped talking about what had happened at the Barry's, Beca's navy blue orbs flick up to Chloe's baby blues. A small smirk appears on her face, but it doesn't quite display any authentic feelings. Well, except for maybe despair. "We kissed, Chlo. We kissed, and I… I freaked."
Chloe quirks her head to the side, holding Beca's gaze for as long as she will allow her to. "What are you talking about? You had to go get Macy, I know that…"
Beca slowly shakes her head, ignoring the warning bells going off in her mind. She is not one to so openly share her feelings like this. But she owes it to Chloe, and she owes it to herself, if she's being completely honest. "No, Chloe. I freaked. Last night. This morning. As amazing as it was, it kind of terrified me."
Chloe hesitates. She had felt a completely different way – and still does – following the kiss. She was excited and over the moon. Being terrified never really crossed her mind. "Do you want to talk about why?"
A light scoff escapes from Beca's lips, the brunette turning away from Chloe. Not because she is mad at her, but because she can't believe she is being this… weird right now. Beca knows why. She knows why it terrified her and it has everything to do with Macy, and Macy's reaction, and everything to do with the deep churning in the pit of her stomach that comes along with the thought that maybe, just maybe, if she hadn't been kissing a girl, none of what happened in September would have happened.
It has everything to do with Beca not wanting to feel the same type of hurt that she felt when she found out what Tara had done. It has everything to do with the fact that Beca doesn't even know if she can let someone that deep into her life for a second time, for fear of getting burned.
But, then again, Beca has already told Chloe more about her life than she ever would have dreamed about telling Tara. She already feels so much different when she's around Chloe, and so much more comfortable and relaxed, than she did in the almost nine months that she dated Tara. Something about Chloe just feels right, but that doesn't make the fear dissipate. If anything, it makes the fear intensify because one wrong move, one disclosure about something that's happened to her in the past, or one admission of how she's feeling, and Beca could lose Chloe altogether.
"Hey…where did you go?"
Beca brings her eyes back up to Chloe, tears swelling once more. "It scared me, Chlo. It scared me to think that it could happen again."
Chloe's heart sinks. She doesn't understand completely – she doesn't think anyone can ever understand exactly what Beca and Macy went through – but she guesses, on some level, that she gets why Beca would be so scared.
"I know it's stupid, and I know that I'm not living there anymore, but—"
"It's not stupid, Bec. It makes a lot of sense. What happened to you was horrible, and it was only a few months ago. You can't expect those fears to just fade away that fast."
Beca takes her hands away from Chloe, rubbing the tears from her eyes and allowing spots to dance in her vision. She wishes more than anything that 'those fears' had faded away. Because she could be kissing Chloe again and allowing herself to completely disappear from this world.
But she can't. And she hates it.
Chloe moves closer to Beca on the steps, taking her, once again, into a hug. "Don't cry, Bec… it's okay."
"No, it's not okay!" The brunette pulls away. It's been an emotional twelve hours and suddenly, Beca doesn't know if she can stop the emotions and the words and the sentiments from tumbling out of her mouth. "Chloe, you have been absolutely amazing since I moved here. You're just… that's just it. You're amazing and I don't want to think about what would happen if I wasn't able to talk to you anymore or –"
"Beca!" Chloe's own chest starts to tighten as she sees some of the fears that are clearly weighing on the other girl. She's trying her hardest not to get upset, she really is. She knows that Beca needs her right now, and she knows that her fears are far more pressing than Chloe's at the moment. And, though Chloe is starting to get a little nervous about Beca's feelings towards the kiss, she's trying not to address it right now. She knows that it's deeper than whether Beca likes her or not. She knows that it's far more complicated for the brunette than it is for her. Before they can even talk about any of that, though, Chloe knows that she has to calm Beca down. She has to help her get rid of some of the fears that Chloe herself has influence over. "Forget about the kiss for a second. First and foremost, I am your friend. In fact, you're one of my best friends. I don't care if we've only known each other for a few months. You can't get rid of me. I'm not going anywhere – no matter what."
Beca looks at her in disbelief. "What?"
Chloe becomes serious as she stares deeply into Beca's navy blue eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. You could tell me a thousand things that happened to you before you got here, and I still am not going to go anywhere." Chloe bites back a comment about not being Tara, her hatred for the girl new yet powerful, but decides against it. "And, as for the kiss, I've been waiting to do it for a long time, but if you aren't interested or you aren't ready, I completely understand."
Okay, so maybe she is making it sound like a much smaller deal than it actually is. In all honesty, her heart sank as soon as she heard the word 'terrified' come off of Beca's lips. But she understands – or is at least trying to – why Beca might be hesitant. Chloe doesn't want to push her into something that she isn't completely comfortable in.
A small smile tugs at the corner of Beca's mouth. "You've been waiting to kiss me?"
Playfully hitting Beca's shoulder, Chloe grins. "That's what you got from all that?"
Laughter. Yes. Laughter is easy. Messing around with Chloe is easy. She takes a deep breath, her head pounding from the already very long day. "And I never said I wasn't interested." Somehow, someway, Chloe grins even wider but it falters slightly when Beca talks again. "I just…" she throws her head back in a groan, "Why does this have to be so freaking difficult?"
"Bec," Chloe once again takes her hand, "We don't have to do anything that you aren't comfortable with."
Beca shakes her head in frustration. She likes Chloe, like, likes like her. She's known this for a while. Those feelings aren't just going to disappear; they're way too strong, and both Beca and Chloe know it. They had completed the first major step, why was this so hard for her to wrap her head around? "No – this, this is stupid. I am fine, you are not Tara, we are not still living with Camille and Tyler, Macy is back with me and, okay, she may be a little pissed right now but –"
"—Bec, you're rambling."
Beca hangs her head, gripping her hair at the roots. "Jesus Christ why am I acting like this?!"
"Beca, you're overthinking this." Chloe keeps her voice calm and steady, her heart fluttering slightly as she realizes that her feelings for Beca are being reciprocated by the brunette, but also being astutely aware of the obvious panic in her voice. "We don't have to do anything right now. The kiss wasn't a marriage proposal. We don't have to put a label on it, we don't have to commit to anything… We're seventeen for crying out loud; there's no rush."
Beca pouts slightly, the words, but I want to on the tip of her tongue. "But…"
"Hey, come here." Chloe pulls Beca closer to her, placing a delicate kiss on her forehead that makes Beca want to break down into sobs. This is all just so damn frustrating. "I'm not going anywhere. We can take our time."
Balancing a bowl of soup in one hand and a glass of water in the other, Beca makes the careful walk towards Macy's bedroom. She's been hibernating up there since they got home from Fig's early this afternoon. She hadn't even noticed that Beca left for an hour to go talk to Chloe, and even when she checked in on her throughout the rest of the day, Macy didn't say one word to her.
The talk with Chloe this morning went…okay. She hadn't seemed too upset about Beca's reluctance to start anything official, and they left things on a good note. Well, a great note, actually, because they both went in for a goodbye kiss at the same time without any conversation beforehand. It just seemed so natural, as if they've been doing the same thing for years. Then, when Beca got out of work, there were a few text messages from Chloe, and Beca couldn't help but grin.
That is, until she saw Macy, and the same familiar feeling of discomfort settled into her stomach.
Beca pushes all of that out of her mind, though, as she uses her elbow to open the door. She needs to talk with Macy so they can nip whatever this is in the bud, and she needs a clear mind to do so.
Macy doesn't look up from her book as Beca crosses the threshold. In fact, it's quite obvious that she is making a conscious effort not to meet her sister's gaze. She simply continues scanning the words on the page, not reading but trying to make it look like she is. She's done a pretty good job of ignoring her all day; she's not going to stop now.
"Put the book down, please." Beca speaks quietly, placing the glass of water on her bedside table and waits to hand Macy the bowl of soup. When she doesn't move, Beca asks again. "Mace, put the book down. You need to eat."
Macy turns another page, but Beca knows full well that she isn't actually reading. She gets a cute little dent in the middle of her forehead from concentration when she's actually focused and immersed in the story. "Not hungry."
"I don't care. You haven't eaten all day. Put the book down." Beca is not going to let her little sister fall down this hole. Not while she's right here. "Macy, I'm serious."
The younger brunette rolls her eyes in the most pre-teen, almost-teen way that Beca has ever seen her act. She shoves her bookmark into the novel and tosses it to the side, before crossing her arms over her chest, and staring blankly across the room.
Beca sighs, not giving up. Macy hasn't eaten anything since last night, not even today at Fig's. While Beca was willing to drop it for breakfast and even lunch, dinner is a whole other story. She's not going to let her sister starve herself because she's being stubborn. "Macy, you need to eat. I brought you soup, you don't have to eat all of it, but you need to at least eat some."
Macy groans, finally turning around to look at her sister. "I'm. Not. Hungry!"
"And I. Don't. Care!" Beca runs her free hand over her face. This arguing is exhausting. She almost never fights with Macy, and she is hating every second of it. It drains every ounce of energy that she has left out of her and just makes Beca all-around depressed. "I'm not leaving here until you have something to eat, Macy. We're not doing this again."
Macy keeps her voice at a mumble, but it's loud enough for Beca to hear. "It's not like you were there last time, what does it matter now?"
"Macy..." Beca sighs, her heart breaking with both guilt and at the pain that is so prominently laced in her sister's statement.
"No! Don't 'Macy' me! I don't want to talk to you, Beca!"
Okay, that hurts a little bit, especially when Beca can hear the anger in her sister's voice. Macy keeps her arms crossed over her chest, moving further up her bed so that she can take up as little space as possible. Beca, though, is not going to give up that easily. She places the bowl of soup on the bedside table underneath the lamp, and crawls onto the end of the bed. She folds her legs underneath her, staring at her sister. "Macy, can we talk about this? Please?"
The twelve-year-old shakes her head, turning so she's staring at the wall. "There's nothing to talk about."
"Yes, yes I think there is." If talking with CR and Chloe this morning had shown her anything, it's that Beca and Macy barely discussed what happened at the Barry's house to the point where they could both fully come to terms with it. "Can you tell me why you are so angry that Chloe and I kissed?"
Her eyebrows furrow in anger, all of the rage that has built up from last night finally coming to a head. "Are you serious?"
Beca nods slowly, "I want you to tell me."
"I shouldn't have to tell you, Beca! Do you not remember the last time someone came into a room and saw you kissing a girl?!"
It's the first time that Macy has said, definitively, what has been bothering her. Though Beca has pretty much assumed this the entire time, she's glad to finally have her beliefs confirmed; it just means she can work on assuaging her sister's worries now, even if Beca still has some of her own.
Beca searches for Macy's eyes. The orbs that are so similar to her own, have a fire in them that Beca doesn't see very often. She pushes aside her own internalized fears and speaks slowly. "Mace, you know that what happened with Tyler wasn't my fault, or Tara's fault, right? That, even though Tyler was mad, there isn't anything wrong with what we were doing?"
Macy locks her jaw. "I don't care! It's what happened, and that means it could happen again! You almost died, Bec! They took me away! How can this not upset you?!" Tears spill out onto her cheeks. She's always been the more emotional one out of the sisters and crying when she is angry is just the cherry on top.
It's also just the thing that completely destroys Beca, especially when she is the cause for the anger.
The older of the two Mitchell sisters moves up the bed, gathering Macy in her arms as she protests. She tries to fight Beca's grasp, but Beca just holds on tighter, before Macy fully succumbs to the sobs that have been trying so hard to escape. She keeps Macy against her chest, beginning to talk again only after her sobs have started to subside. "Mace, what happened at the Barry's…it does upset me. More than anything else that we have ever gone through. I would never put us in a position for that to happen again. You understand that, right?"
Macy doesn't say anything, simply sitting in Beca's arms and remaining as stiff as possible as tears continue to stream down her face.
"Macy, I can't even imagine how scary it was for you to see – and I'm sure it was confusing on some level as well. But I need you to hear me when I tell you that that is never going to happen again. We don't live with Tyler anymore, and Tara is long gone… I'm not going to let Meghan take you away from me ever again."
The younger girl pulls away, not bothering to wipe her face as she looks at her sister. "You don't know that."
Well, she's not exactly wrong. "Mace, you are stuck with me. For the rest of your life. I hate to break it to you, but it's true." The corner of Macy's mouth quirks upward slightly, her eyes still glistening with tears. "And I would never, ever do something that would purposely risk that, or your safety, okay?"
"Then why did you kiss Chloe?"
Beca sighs, trying to keep in mind that she's talking to a very emotional twelve-year-old. "Because…because it felt right, munch. I really like her, and we were both comfortable enough to do so. But I'll be honest, it scared me, too."
Macy's eyebrow raises slightly in confusion. "Why?"
"Well, it reminded me of what happened at the Barry's, too. It still kind of does." Beca shrugs, acting a lot more confident in her answer than she did this morning at Chloe's. "Then I have to remind myself that we don't live there anymore, and Chloe isn't Tara, and that kissing her is okay."
When Macy once again doesn't answer, Beca takes a deep breath, trying one last time. "I know it's frustrating, and scary, and confusing, but we're safe here, Mace. Tyler is a horrible man, and what he did never should have happened, and I completely understand if you are still scared about what happened because I am too. I just need you to trust me."
It feels like forever before Macy gives Beca a small nod, and the older Mitchell sister feels a wave of relief wash over her. She doesn't seem fully convinced, but it's a baby step in the right direction, and Beca will take baby steps.
Later that night, long after Beca tucked her in and said goodnight, Macy lays awake in the darkness of her bedroom. She's tried going to sleep multiple times, but whenever she closes her eyes, her mind seems to become even busier.
She's glad that she got to talk with Beca today, and while her older sister did her best at calming some of her fears, Macy can't help but feel more confused and scared than she already was.
Sure, they don't live with Tyler any more, but who's to say that there aren't other people in the world that are like Tyler? Who's to say that other people won't want to hurt Beca because she's with Chloe? It's just frustrating because, even if Macy likes Chloe - which she does - she doesn't want Beca to get hurt again. She doesn't want to lose her.
She can't lose her.
Beca is the only family she has left. Sure, she has Cynthia Rose and Benji, but Beca is her best friend. She's the only person that understands her, she's the only person that has been there for her from the beginning. When she's with Beca, she knows she's going to be okay. She makes her feel safe; she makes everything better.
Macy isn't sure what she'd do without Beca, and she doesn't want anything to risk making that a possibility.
Macy presses the heels of her hands into her eyes and lets out a soft sigh. Her entire life has been filled with uncertainty: uncertainty about where they'll be sleeping that night, uncertainty about whether or not they'll be at the same school the next morning... she doesn't like it and she never has. It makes her palms sweat and her stomach churn. And this whole thing with Chloe just screams uncertainty. Uncertainty about whether or not she and Beca will be caught, uncertainty about whether or not they'll get hurt, and uncertainty about whether or not Chloe will stick around (which, quite frankly, scares Macy more than she thought it would).
With Tara, Macy just thought she was fun to be around. She was sassy and was always cracking jokes. She would make Beca laugh, which in turn, made Macy happy. She liked her, but one thing that has been made abundantly clear over the last few months, is that Chloe is not Tara.
Chloe brings this natural feeling of calm to Macy whenever she's around them. Her smile seems to push away all of her worries, and when they talk to each other, Macy never has to doubt whether or not she's listening. She talks to Macy like she's her equal, and doesn't treat her like a kid like Tara used to. But, most of all, when Beca's around her, all Macy can see is how much lighter Chloe seems to make her sister. She seems at peace when she's around the redhead, and while Tara used to use comedy as a way to distract Beca from her worries, it just seems so different with Chloe. It's almost as though Chloe takes Beca's worries on herself, and they work through them together. They just fit.
With all these thoughts still swirling around in her mind and the promise of sleep far down the road, Macy pushes her blankets back and slowly makes her way over to her door. She takes her time prying it open, praying that it doesn't wake the entire house, before she creeps across the hall to Beca's room.
A sense of calm immediately falls over the twelve-year-old when she sees her sister's sleeping form. Beca is curled on her side, her back facing the room and one finger curled around the bridge of her nose. She must not have gotten any sleep last night either, because she seems dead to the world when normally, if Macy comes in, she's awake before her foot even crosses the threshold. And, since she's not, it makes Macy a little nervous to wake her.
She pads across the hardwood, crouching down beside Beca's bed, and laying a hesitant hand on her side.
Beca almost immediately wakes from her slumber; she practically flips over on her other side, the blankets getting tangled in between her legs, as she forces her eyes to comprehend the scene in front of her. She scrunches her face up, squinting in the darkness of the room, slowly taking in the small figure kneeling beside her bed. "Mace?" Macy gives her sister a small smile, while Beca struggles to make out the time. She sits up slightly, peering at the neon green light of the clock, before reaching out and taking Macy's hand. "You okay? What's wrong?"
Her voice is thick with drowsiness, but the familiar sound still slows Macy's racing heart. "I can't fall asleep."
Beca uses her other hand, running it over her face to try and wake herself up. She moves closer to the wall, lifting the covers up as a silent invitation for Macy to join her. The younger girl immediately does, breathing a sigh of relief when she is able to curl into her sister's side. Beca presses a light kiss into her head, moving her fingers through Macy's damp curls as the two lay together in the silence of the house.
"Bec?"
Beca allows her eyes to close, holding her sister against her chest, as she hums in acknowledgment, too tired to do anything else. "Hm?"
"Are you and Chloe dating now?"
A small smile stretches across Beca's lips at the question. "Um, no, we're not. Not yet anyway."
Macy plays with her sister's other hand. "Why not?"
Beca opens her eyes to find Macy staring up at her, waiting for an answer. Apparently, this is one of the nights that her little sister needs to talk in order to fall asleep, instead of just needing a hug or someone to hold her. Considering it is one in the morning, it takes a minute for Beca to gather her thoughts before answering again in a whisper. "Well, I told you that yesterday scared me, too. Chloe understands that, so we're taking it slow."
Macy shifts slightly so that she's laying on her side, still in Beca's arms but this position allows her to look into her sister's eyes much more easily. "Does that mean you're not going to kiss anymore?"
"Do you want it to mean that we don't kiss anymore?" Beca's heart rate picks up as she waits for an answer, but Macy takes her sweet time.
Unfortunately, when she does respond, it's not even an answer to Beca's question. "I like that she makes you happy."
Beca smiles into the darkness of the room. "I like that she makes me happy, too, munch."
"And I like Chloe. She's nice."
"She is; and I know for a fact that she likes you, too." It's almost as though Macy is working this out right in front of her, and Beca is amazed at the process, even if she can practically hear the gears turning in her head. She doesn't want to move for fear of scaring Macy into not saying anything.
After what feels like forever, Macy curls deeper into Beca's chest. "Do you promise to be careful? With Chloe, I mean."
It takes everything in Beca not let out a sigh of relief. Or a 'whoop' of triumph. Instead, she stays calm, pressing a kiss onto the top of Macy's head as the weight of the last however many hours practically falls off her shoulders. "I promise, Mace."