Written for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry (Challenges & Assignments)

Etiquette with Professor Sophie - Task 3: Write about a volatile verbal argument.

Word Count: 1283

This Doesn't Concern You

Coming down the stairs of Grimmauld Place, Hermione paused for a moment at the raised voices she could hear coming from the kitchen.

'Lily?' She kept walking as Lily's voice got louder. Then another voice cut in sharply, making Hermione pause again at the bottom. 'James?' She hovered on the spot, her hand nervously playing with the end of the handrail.

'Not everything has to be done your way, you know?' James snapped.

Hermione could almost hear the pout. 'You're a grown man,' she muttered to herself.

She couldn't avoid them forever. They were, after all, in her home, not their own.

'This isn't even about what I want,' Lily snapped in return. There was a distinct sound of metal being slammed around.

Taking a deep breath, Hermione braced herself to go deal with them, wondering where Sirius was while this was happening. Pushing the door open, Hermione flinched. They may as well have put the Amplifying Charm on their voices with how loud they were.

Lily was stood leaning back onto the end of the dining table, arms firmly folded and a face that look like it was ready to commit murder, while James was busy flicking his wand about at pans on the cooker. Every now and then, Lily would flick her wand to catch any stray pieces of vegetables trying to escape, neither one of them breaking their stride on the arguing.

'Well here's Hermione- she can tell us!' James said, sending a cauliflower sailing across the kitchen. It landed at the other end of the room with a dull thud.

That's when Hermione spotted Sirius at the other end of the long table, a cup of tea in hand, and a small smirk lifting the corners of his mouth. He raised his cup at Hermione.

'James, we don't even need to ask her, it's a ridiculous idea!'

'Ask me what?' Hermione walked over to them. Not one sentence she'd heard since coming downstairs had made any sense to her.

James grabbed Hermione by the elbow, quickly throwing an arm around her neck hastily when she tried to step away, nearly throttling her. She'd been too close to a bickering couple with their wands to hand before and hadn't come out of it well. 'You haven't even give the idea-'

'She is not getting married on a broomstick, James!'

'I'm what!' Hermione cut in.

James swiftly let go of Hermione, shoving her towards Sirius. 'This doesn't concern you, Hermione. Go sit with the groom.'

'Oh well done, Potter,' Lily growled, 'always know how to make a woman feel special, don't you?'

'Well I'm not the one that married me, am I, Evans?' James flailed his wand arm in exasperation. A boiled potato flew out of the pan, missing Lily's head by an inch, and hit the window with a wet splat! Bits of partially cooked potato hit Lily, James, and Hermione.

This seemed to really send the argument into the stratosphere, their voices going even louder as they hurled insults about each other's magical abilities.

Hermione, not sure if it she'd be able to stop this particular row of theirs, took a seat by her fiancé, who she knew loved watching an argument unfold, and started picking out the few bits of potato off her robes. Pointing his wand at the table, Sirius made a pot of tea and another cup appear with a jug of milk.

'I haven't seen them argue like this since…' she trailed off when she saw Sirius put the pot of tea down quickly, having barely poured a drop into her cup. His cheek was twitching as he fought off a laugh. 'What did you do?'

Sirius sat back with a smug look on his face, instead using magic to make the pot pour Hermione a cup of tea. Finally he looked at her, his grey eyes practically glittering.

'I'm not getting married on a broom, by the way,' Hermione told him firmly, waiting for him to stop the fit of giggles that kept coming out every time he tried to say something.

'Oh, I'm not sure how James got that idea in his head, the conversation didn't even start with that,' Sirius said, taking a moment to look at the couple. 'But it has been years since I've seen them argue like this.'

'Years for you, maybe,' Hermione muttered, having returned from her time in 1978 a little over a year ago.

'I'm telling Narcissa-' Lily started furiously, picking potato out of her hair.

'WHAT! Why are the Malfoys always involved where Hermione is concerned?!' James demanded.

'They are her friends too! And Narcissa has better intentions for Hermione's wedding than you at this moment!'

'Why is James cooking dinner?' Hermione asked, picking up her cup of tea, watching James rage about Hermione's secrets Lucius Malfoy had kept over the years.

'He wasn't. I was starting it when they'd come round to tell us that the church in Godric's Hollow is free on the first Saturday in August,' Sirius started explaining, finally keeping his face straight enough to tell her about the current situation.

'Next you'll be telling me that Snivellus is walking her down the aisle!' James said, his face going bright red.

'Stop. Calling. Him. Snivellus,' Lily said through gritted teeth.

'Uh-oh,' Hermione said, starting to stand up.

Sirius put a hand on her arm. 'Leave it. Just enjoy the moment.' He chinked his teacup against hers.

'You still haven't told me what you did, or how a broomstick became involved if they've come to tell us the church is free.' Hermione pinched his forearm when he started laughing silently. 'Focus!'

'At this rate I'll make sure Hermione doesn't marry Sirius!' Lily said.

Sirius' face suddenly lost its humour. 'Over my dead body, Lily,' Sirius said standing up. Hermione was never going to find out why they'd started fighting.

'Oh! Remembered what you started did you?' James said, turning on his best friend.

Hermione stood up with her cup of tea as Sirius strode over to Lily and James. She watched for a moment as the three of them argued about the details of Hermione and Sirius' wedding, to which Hermione hadn't actually decided anything for herself yet.

'But Quidditch-'

'If you say Quidditch one-'

'Bloody well waited long enough to marry-'

'Narcissa Malfoy will have her-'

'At least it won't be on a-'

'And I won't wait another-'

'Just because you didn't want a traditional wizards-'

'No one is going to be naked at-'

'Thought the bloody time-travelling witch was dead and-'

Hermione sighed heavily, taking a long sip of her tea before putting it on the table. Quietly she said, 'I'm off to Malfoy Manor, where I will move in with them, and take up their offer of a triad relationship with Lucius and Narcissa.'

'Green! Bloody green robes- over my dead body,' snarled James. Another potato flew out of the pan, this time smacking James on the back of the head, pieces of it flying around him. There wasn't going to be any dinner by the time this was over.

'Or maybe I'll give up my magical life, and marry a nice Muggle boy,' Hermione continued, waiting for someone to hear her tiny voice. 'Might be less complicated, more quiet.'

'In fact- I think we should get married this weekend!' Sirius snapped. This seemed to stun Lily and James into silence, both of them blinking stupidly at him. 'What do you say, Hermione?'

When they all turned to look at her, they found her gone.

'Hang on,' Lily frowned, picking another piece of potato out of her hair, 'did she say she was in a triad with the Malfoys?'