A/N: So so sorry to have taken so long to update. (Next chapter soon, and QLY will also be updated this week for those who follow). As many of you know and I've mentioned before, I'm currently in my last semester set to graduate in May while working and interning along with my student leadership positions - i.e. I'm SWAMPED. I've got mid-terms coming up so the past few weeks have been very busy. This chapter is important to me and took me a long time to write because i felt i couldn't find the prfect words that I needed. It's important because it clarifies a lot of things and is mostly character title of this chapter comes from the song of the same name by Banks. It's a good listen because her latest album is amazing but also this particular song helps you get into Spencer's mindset.

First eight reviews get a sneak peek! PS: #bigAreveAl coming! Message me your thoughts/predictions!:D As always, hope you enjoy! Xoxo - A(F)

There's a strange comfort that comes with invisibility. A strength, almost. When nobody can see you, you can do whatever it is you want. Floating on, as if you're a balloon that's been let go and floating over rooftops, undisturbed. But sometimes, invisibility acted like Novocain, and just left you feeling numb.

This time of morning was the best and the worst all rolled into one. Unless you considered it evening. Some people might consider it to be the evening, given that most people were still asleep as the sun was coming up to greet the moon before she disappeared off to bed. Dark, but light. Quiet, but roaring with all the sounds of the world that typically get drowned out, or just looked over: birds chirping, wind crackling, water moving, leaves and branches and green things crunching and swaying with the misty morning air. It was easy to feel like you were the only one awake in the world on mornings like this one. Spencer remembered fondly weekend mornings she would wake up way before her parents or sister, and have the whole house to herself - the settling of the wood, the creaking of various floorboards and walls and the movement of the hands of every clock in the Hastings house. She always felt like she was in another place on those mornings, because with her family tucked away while she came out to play, she might as well have been the only person on this planet. Invisibility is nice, sometimes.

Spencer actually missed the invisibility. At school, she had friends now, and people noticed her. As college approached, and Wren stirred the pot and prodded all the right buttons at all the wrong times, her parents were becoming more and more involved and downright nosey, and then there was Tobias Cavanaugh, who would eat her up to keep her safe if he could - always watching, always listening, always there. She slowed down and parked the car, walking through the sun as if she was afraid to disturb the Earth so early. Surely more people were awake by now, it had taken her a while to finally settle here. But still, the early morning aesthetic stayed, because the only thing she could hear herself breathing.

As Spencer stood in the damp, cool morning air, she wondered why the Novocain feeling hadn't left her when she was so seemingly visible in her new life. Everything felt heavy and too light all at the same time. Everything felt unreal and distorted. The feeling washed over her time and time again, and the heaviness had settled in her throat this evening. Like she had a second pair of hands whose sole purpose was to stay wrung around her neck, squeezing tightly enough to make her struggle, but not quite enough to put her out. The water was cold, colder than she thought it would be. She crossed her arms over her chest as a set of chills rushed over her, only then realizing she'd come all this way without even worrying about getting dressed. Suddenly it was as if she didn't even remember how she'd gotten here.

The bottom of Toby's t-shirt started to darken in color as the water seeped in. First, just around her thighs, but as she fought the Novocain heaviness the darkened color traveled up past her scars, stinging as she settled, and then her belly button, and then her ribs, and so on. Drowning in thoughts and worries and Novocain heaviness was consuming. Sometimes you have to drown out what drowns you - even if that means you're fighting yourself.

The shirt felt heavy. She felt heavy. But at least she felt something.

xx

Toby sat in his truck, frantically and impatiently tapping on the steering wheel with his cell phone pulled up to his ear. You've reached Spencer. If you're calling about the Tutoring Center you can try shooting an email to tutoring rosewoodhs. Leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. Beeeeeeep.

"Spencer, where the hell are you? Call me back. I'm coming to pick you up." He grumbled and hung up, throwing the phone at his front seat rather aggressively. He needed to know where she was. He realized then he'd never heard her voicemail message, she always picked up. That made him worried. And a little sad that clearly the majority of the calls she was used to getting were for tutoring, not for her personally. He had been so focused on safeguarding her from her family and hating them for how they'd groomed her into the scared, apologetic, self-conscious person he found her to be when she wasn't making sarcastic jokes or trying to fit in or working her ass off, that he had forgotten it wasn't that long ago that she had no one to protect her, and that school was nearly as hard for her as home was because kids were mean and she made herself an easy target by being the quiet, jumpy, too-smart-for-her-own-good overachiever.

Toby pulled up, his mind racing, praying she hadn't done something stupid. His mind kept flickering images of the cuts on her legs and wrist, her blood, and all the possible terrifying ways he could find her. He barely parked the car before jumping out and running to the doors, banging on them once he realized it was locked. But it was too dark inside for her to be in there. "Spencer, let me in!" He continued to bang on the doors, even though she clearly wasn't inside. He was at her dance studio, and desperate. If she was okay, he was sure she'd be here. It was her favorite place.

He checked the school, the promenade, his house and back to hers again without a trace. He slammed on the brakes and flew forward a bit, parking the car. Where the fuck is she?! Why is this happening?! "GOD DAMN IT SPENCER" he yelled, slamming the steering wheel again. He leaned over to his passenger's seat to pick up his phone and see if she'd answered him. He called again, only to hear the same pre-recorded message. He started to panic - what if this was the last thing he would hear from her? He tried to remember the last words they'd exchanged before he realized she was missing, terrified that if she was gone, he didn't remember the last thing she said to him. He was trying to push the images of her hurt or worse out of his head, but he couldn't. He put his phone back on the seat and realized a pair of sunglasses had slid out from under his front seat when he'd slammed on the brakes - girl's sunglasses. He picked them up and inspected them, and realized that they were Spencer's, from the day he asked her to be his girlfriend. He dropped them back onto the floor and sped off towards the highway. There was one last place he could think of that she could be. And he needed to get there fast.

xx

The combination of the early morning and his heavy-footing of the pedals since he was in such a rush cut down the trip time significantly. As he got close, towards the last exit. He started to slow down, images of her in the form of a lifeless body taking over his mind yet again. This cannot happen again. I cannot have this happen again. He thought, starting to cry as he took the last loop towards his destination.

When he got to the entrance gate, her car was parked haphazardly and diagonally in front of the entrance gate. He parked next to her, getting out quickly, shoving his hands in his pockets. He felt a sense of relief that he found her location, but felt a lump in his throat because he still hadn't found her.

He ducked under the entrance gate and made his way to the sand, looking out. When he didn't see her right away, he immediately panicked, running towards the water. "SPENCERRRRRRRR. SPENCERRRRRR" He was choking out her name, terrified. When he finally saw her lock eyes with him. She was sitting at the shoreline, water wading up and coming at least to her chest, sometimes rising to her shoulders. She was completely soaked, and looking almost confused. She looked like she might be crying, but he couldn't tell because he was so far away and she was sopping wet to begin with. He felt like his legs couldn't get him over to her fast enough. He ran clumsily until he skidded to a stop just at the waterline where she was. "Get out of the water!" He yelled, calling to her a few feet out, chest deep. The high tide was just about now and waves were crashing high up around her, causing her to drift a little to the left, the salt water stinging her as it slapped her in the face.

She didn't say anything. She was still rying to figure out if he were really here, or if he was just a figment of her imagination as a result of swallowing too much salt water.

"Spencer, I said get out of the water! What the hell are you doing?" he rolled up his jeans and started to come closer towards her.

She started to laugh a little, in a totally exasperated way. The situation was just so overtly ridiculous. She couldn't wrap herself around the way he cared for her - and honestly, neither could he. Yet somehow she was still so scared and so sure that it wasn't deserved or true. And here he was, driving two hours at the crack of dawn to find her. He'd even known where to look.

"This is not funny!" The waves were splashing in his face now as he came after her deeper into the water. He was nervous and scared and yelling in a completely helpless kind of way, but also kind of like a reckless disciplinarian/parental figure. "Spencer!" He got tired of her ignoring him, so he bent down a bit and hoisted her over his shoulder, her hair and body sopping wet and leaving a frigid and an increasingly large watermark all down his left side.

"Put me down, i'll walk." She started to move instead of hanging limp over him. She was shivering and freezing from leaving the warmth of the water encompassing her. Even the coldest water felt warm compared to being wet in the breeze, you just needed to be in the water long enough to get used to it. Being over his shoulder made the breeze worse and her hair was hanging in her face.

He stopped to put her down once they reached the walkway and left the sand, the water out in the distance.

She stood in front of her car, examining the prunes she now had for fingers, crossing her arms over her chest tightly. She was freezing, and now very aware she didn't have pants on, and any little hair she had on her body stood up fully in the breeze, goosebumps covering almost every inch of her.

"Take off your shirt," he said it like an order, and almost scared her how authoritative and scary he sounded. Her teeth clattered against the others. "Come on, Spencer, you're gonna freeze over."

"But…" She wanted to argue. Being in her underwear was not going to help.

"Take. Off. The. Shirt." He said shortly. She was officially scared in this situation. She knew he was mad at her. She knew he wasn't being himself. She'd never seen him this angry and she didn't know if she should be more sad that it was likely over, or freaked out that he was so close to her, towering over her, yelling, and this could easily turn ugly.

But this was Toby, and this wasn't the first time she'd been vulnerable with him. She trusted him. She peeled the wet, heavy fabric from her skin and crossed her arms over her chest to cover her fully erect nipples and protect herself from the direct breeze.

He unzipped his hoodie and gave it to her and unlocked his car, throwing her a pair of sweatpants from his gym bag. "The wet clothes were never going to dry and were just making you more cold," he reasoned, seeing the bit of fear in her eyes and quickly readjusting, realizing how screaming at her to take her clothes off might be a little intimidating, even to someone who should know he would never do anything to her.

"Thanks," she murmured slowly under her breath and opened her own car door, taking her sneakers from the front seat and putting them on after shaking them off. She started to get into her car when he pulled at her arm.

"You don't think we need to talk about what just happened?! Spencer, I just…I didn't know if you were…what i was going to find…do you know how many places I went?! And you just are going to get into your car like nothing happened? What is wrong with you?!"

Her eyes flickered down immediately. I wish I knew, she thought. He finally sees it, at least. Now I know he's not crazy, too. It was only a matter of time before he knew. I can't believe how badly i keep fucking up. You need to let him go, you're hurting him. This isn't supposed to happen. Look at him, you did this to him. He's got crazy eyes and he can't stop screaming. You did this to him. You're turning him into this person. But I love you… maybe I should just say it and finally give up.

"I'm sorry you came all the way out here…"

"No, Spencer…I don't care about the drive. I care that you left. You left! In the middle of the night! I'm worried about you!"

"Can we just go home? Please?" She looked like she was going to cry.

"I'm following you. Straight to your house, your parents won't be home, right? We can go to my house… but this isn't over. We're talking about this, Spencer. I'm not playing this game, not again." He said harshly.

"Straight to my house," she nodded, looking down once more. He sounded like her dad, yelling at her with simple instructions as if she couldn't handle anything complex.

He got into his car and waited for her to pull out ahead of him and head back home.

xx

It was a long drive.

There was more traffic at this time, and Spencer couldn't stop thinking. She didn't want to get home, because that meant talking. She didn't know if it was worse that he might break up with her, or that he was only in this for the wrong reasons. She kept analyzing everything he had ever said to her, today and otherwise. From gossip and town news otherwise laced together when things that he'd said to her when she was at her lowest, she was starting to realize that it wasn't just a rumor: Marion Cavanaugh and committed suicide. And he just wanted to stop her from doing the same. But that was never the plan.

Toby was so exasperated the whole drive home. He could not believe this was real. That this was happening. He couldn't shake images of the worst out of his mind. What could he do? What was he supposed to do? He did not feel equipped to handle this. He didn't even know what this was. Spencer Hastings was one hell of a trip, he could tell you that much.

By the time they'd pulled up in front of Spencer's, Toby had convinced himself he was on the verge of burying yet another person he loved, and she had convinced herself that this was the end of her day in the sun with Toby. They both exited their cars with shaking hands and racing hearts.

"Well?" Toby said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Are we going to go inside so you can tell me why you left in the middle of the night, or am I going to have to pry it out of you?" He said, stepping close to his girlfriend, trapping her between himself and the car.

She nodded, walking past him with her keys ready to open the door carefully. She sank down onto the floor, curled up with her knees pulled into her chest, all in one swift motion. He just stood in front of her, too anxious to sit down.

"I'm sorry…" She said softly.

"Sorry?! That doesn't even begin to explain what the hell you were thinking. I thought I was going to find you dead! Do you know how scared I was?! All I'm trying to do is help you and you keep pushing me further and further away. You have no idea how hard it is! Do you have any idea what this is doing to me?!"

She started to feel tears pooling in her eyes, but she wiped them away with the heel of her hand, taking everything he said without argument, because he was right.

"You don't need to do this with me…worry so much…I'm sorry, but I…I can't. Nothing bad will happen if you leave, you don't need to stay with me because you're scared of what you might be responsible of…if that's what you're afraid of…" her hands shook as she talked, using them a lot as she spoke to get her point across. She always talked with her hands when she was nervous.

He had sunken down next to her at some point. He harshly grabbed her hands as she spoke at the wrists.

"You have no idea how much I love you…no clue who I am if you think that that's what's going on." He said, forcefully pushing her hands back towards her, throwing them down. He was gritting through teeth.

"I said it because i do know who you are…you're a sweet and careful guy…" She trailed off. "And I told you to stop saying—"

"Well can you blame me, being scared and careful with you!?" He was still speaking harshly. She took it for anger, but it was really his frustration and confusion. He had grabbed her wrist again, turning it over so they were both getting a good look at the pink scar adorning the skin. She didn't say anything, but she pulled her wrist away from him.

"Toby, you're scaring me…" she started to cry, and moved over a little bit. "I'm sorry i keep hurting you…I'm sorry for bringing you into all of this…" she buried her face into her knees.

His face suddenly softened, and he checked his tone. He was a big guy, and she was very petite. It was easy to see why his booming voice and his tendency to tower over her might scare her a little when he sounded like this, touched her that way. He didn't know his own strength.

"Spence…" He scooted over the same way as her. "Are you really scared of me? I'm doing this because I don't wanna see you hurt…I'm not gonna hurt you…" He kept his tone soft now. He spoke slowly to keep himself in check.

She shook her head no. "I'm sorry…"

"I'm scared of you…" he trailed off. She looked up at him, almost shocked.

"What…?"

"Scared of what you're capable of…and of whatever it is you're not telling me that landed you alone in the middle of the ocean so early this morning….if you were trying to…ya know…you can tell me."

"I wasn't! For the last time, Toby, I'm not suicidal. You wouldn't understand."

"Try me," he said, taking her hand in his, looking at her intently, like she was more used to. He had calmed down a little bit.

"I'm not your mom…" she said softly. "You don't have to look so scared." She kissed him once, very quickly, before pulling back. He didn't say anything, because talking about his mom always made him cry.

"I felt like I was drowning. I always feel like I'm drowning, except for when I feel like I'm suffocating."

"I know, I saw… But why did you go to the beach…?"

"No, I don't mean literally. I mean inside my head. Inside of myself….it's complicated…." She sighed. "If you want me to keep going…you need to promise me you won't think I'm crazy, and that if this is too much for you, you won't stay with me. I don't like hurting you. I never meant to hurt you."

"I'm not leaving." He squeezed her hand. "Because I can handle whatever it is."

She took a deep breath before beginning. "In my head, I get these little panic attacks but they don't really come outside of me… and they get longer and longer until I can't remember what it feels like not to be consumed by all of this… It hasn't stopped in months. I go through these periods sometimes but this is the worst it's been in a long time. I feel like I'm drowning but rationally I know that I'm fine. And the mixture makes me just feel numb… and I just need to know I can still feel, that I'm still alive and everything's working. So I thought if I really felt like I was drowning on the outside… it would shift all of my misplaced feelings and sensations back. I just need a reminder sometimes that i can still feel. You know, like when I just want to kiss you or have sex when I'm upset and you always think you're taking advantage of me if you do…it's just because that physical expression of us keeps it in check for me. Or, you know, these…" she rolled over her wrist again. "It's all like a series of checks and balances. It's not about dying. It's about remembering I'm alive."

"So…I'm not making you happy…I thought I was making things better…but if you've been going through this for months…"

"Toby…" she held his face. "You make me better. I promise. I can't control it. But it doesn't mean I'm not happy even though it is happening. And you just… sometimes it still overwhelms me that we're together. In a really good way. But then the little monsters inside of me turn my good feelings into black stuff because they don't think I deserve to be happy as you make me… I know I don't deserve you, everyone knows that. You know," she started to laugh a little, still holding his hand. "My sister, she's more concerned that I'm going to hurt your reputation than she is anything else… they literally care more about you than they do me. Because they know how I ruin nice things. I don't deserve them. It's like…there's always a cloud of darkness over everything I enjoy. I can be as happy as possible, happier than I ever thought a person could be - and I really have been. But nothing will ever let me forget who I am and where I belong in the grand scheme of things."

He looked at her, dumbfounded. Because while it made some sense concerning her behavior, he had no idea how to remedy the situation. How to fix her, help her. God, that was all he wanted this whole time.

"You think I'm a basketcase." she said, slipping her hand from his. She stood up. "I'm just going to make tea, if you want a cup… or you can use this as your chance to escape." She shrugged, half laughing but half meaning it.

He still just sat there, trying to grasp what she'd said.

Five months, two weeks, one day. You have no right to be upset. You got so much. You are so different. You know what love is now. You're not going to die a virgin. You have enough good memories to last you the rest of time if you never meet even one more good soul every again. Spencer, you're fine. She thought as she poured the tea, completely expecting him to be gone after her episodes of the morning.

Instead, she felt him creep into the room quietly as she took out the milk. "Just honey for me." He smiled a little, kissing her forehead and then stepping back to give her her space.

She nodded, and smiled a little, shyly and handed him a mug, and held hers close to her face, letting the steam warm her.

"I really don't ever mean to hurt you…I guess I never thought about it that way…that what I do as a direct impact on you…" She said hopping up onto the counter and taking a sip, placing the mug beside her after a few moments.

"You deserve a lot more than just me, and a lot more than you give yourself credit for…but come on, Spence, you've gotta know you deserve more than this." He motioned to the empty house around her, and referring more so to the people who typically occupied the space. "I know you know that." He was standing between her legs now, looking slightly up at her.

"You're a little biased aren't you?" She leaned in towards him a little bit.

He made a face. "Spence, come on. You know that. I know you do. This has nothing to do with the fact that you're my girlfriend…"

She still blushed whenever the title came up. He thought it was cute.

"You know, maybe if you tried to stop being so scared of me loving you—"

"Stop." She immediately interrupted. "Toby, you can't keep breaking that promise…"

"But—"

"I should know of all people that you deserve to hear all of those wonderful things from me, I really get it. I know what it feels like to want something so badly from someone. I know I should give because I know what it feels like to want and be deprived…and you know, I do…care so much about you, okay? I hate thinking about being without you…but you need to stop." She was tearing again, and he wiped a tear away with his thumb.

"But why? This isn't about me needing to hear it from you…it's about me needing you to know that that's how I feel about you, you need to know that there are people in this world who love you."

"I know, okay!" She jumped off the counter, pushing him back a little, hot tea spilling just a little bit on both of them. He put his cup down hard next to hers.

"If you know, why can't I say it?" He followed her around the kitchen island as she walked towards the table.

"Because I'm not ready to know!" She snapped.

He just looked at her confused.

"Spencer, if we both care about each other, we should be able to tell each other. It's supposed to be a good thing. I know you're scared, but I wish you'd tell me why you're this scared. This has been going on for a long time and—"

"I'm not oblivious, I know that. And for the last time, Toby, I'm not scared! Look, most of the time I do know how you feel, okay. I believe it, and I'm not so scared that it isn't real. Sometimes I think that you don't really see who I am or you're confused about things but only because I still can't believe I have you. I just don't like it when you say that…I can't have you say that… because it would change everything… it would be like accepting that there's hope and you know how I feel about hope - it just breeds eternal misery."

"I don't understand why having hope would be so bad in this case… and hope for what?"

"That I'm different than I thought."

"In what way?" He sat next to her, his hand on her thigh, leaning forward to listen to her and support her.

She wouldn't make eye contact. "That I'm able to be loved." She said it barely above a whisper.

"Spencer…of course you're able to be loved…you're incredible."

"Stop." she had started to cry softly, but pulled herself back together, still looking at her lap, picking at her cuticles. "It was finally starting to become easy to accept…that there are two kinds of people born into the world: the lovable and the unloveable. And I just wasn't the type of person that could be loved." She caught her breath, breathing slowly to control tears from coming out.

"Spencer—"

"Let me finish, before I change my mind," She finally looked up. "I accepted it, it took a long time and a lot of jealous and hate but I accepted myself for that because it was out of anyone's control, it was just how it was. Just like how some people are born without the ability to see or hear or ever walk. But if you keep saying that word, if you keep saying it…it means that I was wrong."

"Of course that's wrong…" his heart was breaking for her. "Everyone deserves love."

"That's the thing." She took a deep breath. "If I decide to believe you…if I let you say this to me…I know I'll be convinced that that's true, that I'm wrong about lovability. And if I'm wrong…then I have to wonder why my family doesn't love me. And never has. And why no one before you ever could. I would have to admit that it wasn't fate or biology but that there's something wrong with me besides the obvious… or maybe I'm right and something's wrong with your for thinking I'm one of the lovable ones… but more likely the former. And…and I'm not ready to think about all of that. It's too much…it's…too much…" She sniffled, her hand quickly going to her face to wipe her nose and eyes. "And I knew if I told you that from the beginning you would tell me I was wrong and you'd feel badly for me and then neither one of us would be able to tell where the pity you had for me ended and your feelings for me really started and I'm so selfish but I just wanted to enjoy you for as long as I could and build up enough good feelings so that it wouldn't matter about all the people who didn't love me after I pushed you away and pushed you too far… and I would totally tell you I love you but then you might say it back…or maybe I would be lying because i don't know if I even really know what love is I just think it might be the weird feeling I get whenever i'm with you because I've only ever felt this exact thing when I'm with you…" she was rambling now, and talking so fast he could barely understand her or make out one word from another. She finally stopped and took a deep breath. "I'm not ready to accept that all this time I could have had… I know I say that hope is the fastest road to misery but I promised myself I wouldn't give up until I at least turned 18 and could legally walk away from my family. I'm sure when I do I'll find another excuse… I just don't want to really believe that they won't ever…you know… I'm waiting for them to prove me wrong and say it or show it somehow…or for you to be wrong…except…I…" I know you're not wrong, I know we're in love. She thought, but couldn't say out loud. "Can you please just not say that anymore?"

He sighed. It made a lot of sense. "I don't accept that you see yourself that way…that you thought that for so long."

"It's not as bad as you think…it's better than thinking there's something so wrong with you, that your own parents can't…" she flicked away tears again, breathing slowly.

"I'll stop," he finally said. "I'm sorry, I never realized how much I was hurting you when I thought I was saying something nice." He said kissing her head and getting up, and rummaging through her drawers.

"What are you doing?" she got up to fetch her mug and took another sip, wiping her eyes again after, sniffling.

He procured a ballpoint and turned over her wrist, drawing a heart that they'd once drawn on each other before.

"We'll always have always." He nodded, trying his hardest to tell her that she was lovable without hurting her. He never hated her parents more than he did right now.

She wrapped her arms around him and leaned into his chest. She could feel his heartbeat, and she liked it that way.

We'll always have always, she smiled to herself, leaving herself a mental note to remember that for later.

"Do you forgive me? For everything? Can we just…start fresh?" She looked up at him.

"Just…Next time you decide to run away in the middle of the night, wake me up first so I can follow you."

She smiled a little. "Or I'll just take you with me."

"I like that better." He smiled. "But there's one more thing." He stepped back.

"What?" She looked nervous, and gripped her cup.

"Don't get mad…"

"Toby! What?" She felt like something was kicking her lungs and stomach on the inside.

"I just realized…when you said you would reconsider reevaluating once you turned 18… that I, uh, I don't know when your birthday is." He looked flushed.

She laughed a little. "It's a secret." She shrugged, and pulled him upstairs kind of laughing, super exhausted, and 100 percent ready to collapse on top of him and fall asleep to his heartbeat lullaby.

Guest: A few more chapters to go!

Thank you all for your beautiful words and encouragement! :-)