AN: 160 reviews. Wow! So beyond thankful. Time is moving slower in this story than I had anticipated. But I'm loving elaborating on the back stories and the emotion. i hope you all are enjoying! I know I owe caitycaites, Kayson3259, Emilee Amethyst, Leddielover34, Nattis, Kathryn2014, and XOLauryn sneak peeks, which will subsequently roll over to next chapter because I just needed to update this it'd been too long. Extra thanks to those users for the continued reviews and support! PS - ONE DAY TIL #BIGAREVEAL. What are yall thinkin and feelin?!

He had his arms around her from behind as he'd followed her closely up the stairs and entered her room, barely leaving room between them, too nervous to let her go again. "You're still damp," he noted as he leaned against her hair, nearly tasting the saltiness of the ocean, and smelling the seabreeze. "You need a warm shower. I can get you a bath if you want." He offered, rubbing the sides of her arms. "It might make you feel better. And help you sleep easier. I know you must be tired."

"I don't want to leave you…" She protested. She was vulnerable now after spilling the beans on her most closely guarded secret. She was at the top of her class, and had more real world experience than she should have, as she'd nearly raised herself. But the nonsense about love, those ideas, though irrational, made their way to her very core and became engraved in her skin and her bones as truth. It was the only way she could cope. In the back of her mind, especially after saying it all out loud, she knew it was crazy. But it didn't change the fact that it was how she felt. Her world was rocked when Toby came into it and displaced all of her thoughts and questions all of her beliefs. It was like a crisis of faith, only instead of losing it as most people did, she was now starting to have some.

"I'll stay here, I promise. I can sit in the bathroom even, read to you or something."

She shook her head no and pulled him into the bathroom, undressing herself and then undressing him.

"Spencer…no…" He knew she'd explained why when she was sad she wanted him, and that it wasn't him taking advantage, it was her needing physicality because it was easy to misinterpret words or to be disillusioned, but you couldn't forge the physical. It was the only love she knew how to understand and accept. But it still felt wrong. She was too fragile.

She didn't listen, and kept her hands on him. "Just stay with me." She pleaded softly, turning on the water. She didn't try a thing, and neither did he. He only washed her hair and gave her forehead kisses and tiny whispers of are you okay? and let me help you and god you're so beautiful. She didn't say much at all, only leaning into him. She leaned into him with the hot water beating on the same place on her chest a little too long, leaving her skin red and blotchy. She mixed her tears with shower water all while cowering into his chest, heaving without explanation. The world felt lighter without this secret strapped to her chest anymore, but at the same time she felt vulnerable, like maybe she would take it back if she could. What if she made it too heavy for him? It was a rush of emotions and thoughts leading to tears in the shower until both of them were wrinkled and the water was cooling down.

They toweled off still close to one another, re-dressing without words. She had pulled him on top of her in bed and tangled her limbs with his as soon as their bodies hit the sheets. She had hit such a dark place between the shadows of doubt Melissa had casted unto her and the searing truth Toby had recognized about her existence and her place within her family, and maybe even the world. Now that everything was out, all she'd wanted was to feel again. She felt the widest range of emotions with him, not the limited dark ones masked by the fake good ones she tried to portray most of the time.

She left a mess of fluttery, light kisses all over his face, mostly missing and just catching the air around his face. She was breathless. "You did it again…" She mumbled, finally talking. "It was getting so lonely and too dark. I was starting to think I couldn't be pulled out."

He thumbed at her back. He was going to have a hard time letting go of her for more than a few minutes at a time after she'd given him the scare of his life. "I told you, I like saving you." He had known what she'd meant by her fragmented sentence. All a bit too well. "I hate watching you get lost in there…I can see the wheels turning and you falling deeper and deeper in but you don't say a word…and I know you can't help it, but I hate seeing it. I feel almost as helpless as you. But I'll always try to pull you back."

"I kinda picture it like dark, cobwebby corners in my head. You only use a small percentage of your brain, did you know that? Like not just you, but everyone. We have these 10-pound organs with all this crazy potential and we're lucky if we use even close to half. And I feel like it's those uncharted territories of my brain that's turned dark and is broken but no one would even know because it's in a part that's unused. And I get caught in it. And…fuck it…it just gets lonely." She cursed in a soft, exasperated way. She usually didn't let those kinds of words slip out. "And then you find me and I don't have to feel as lost and lonely anymore, as long as you hold me and let me feel that I am more than what my head is telling me to feel."

He pressed a long kiss into her forehead. "You don't have to flicker your eyes down every time you talk about your feelings. I like that you're being honest. It's…real. The realest thing in this goddamned town." He subconsciously squeezed her closer, his fingers pressing into her skin.

"I'm still sorry I scared you though…you don't deserve that. I was just scared about not feeling…about losing control. I have all these weaknesses, but I'm trying to get stronger. I'm always trying…"

"And I wish you'd stop…" he got defensive, but in a still soft tone. "You always say that. That you're trying. And I can't tell if you're trying to convince yourself or your parents. You don't need to try anymore. You're working too hard and it's what's making you feel weak. You're anything but weak. You're the strongest and bravest person I know."

She let out a small chuckle, nuzzling his neck. The light laughter soon turned to wetness still nuzzled in his neck.

"Hey…hey…" he cradled the back of her head. "What are you crying for?" He rubbed her back with his other hand wrapped around her. What if she's too broken for me to fix by myself?

"I'm anything but brave." She pulled back, laughing again with tears in her eyes. "You keep projecting all this goodness on me and I don't deserve it…and it's funny how you think…"

"Spencer — you know why I think you're brave? And why I'm right? When we're together, and you're laughing, and you're kissing me - you're so quiet and so full of life that I forget how much you're suffering. I do. Before I knew you, I never would have guessed you'd seen all you have or endured what you do. You're brave and you're strong because you're fighting from the minute you open your eyes until the day ends over and over again and you still get up every morning - and no one knows it. You fight and win battles everyone knows nothing about. "

"Who gave you the right to use words like that and make even the bad ones sound so pretty?" She laughed again, wiping her eyes with his help. "I wish I could say the words you deserve."

"I know how you feel even if you don't say them. Always, remember?"

She nodded and kissed him once. And then again. A strong of single kisses laced with enough restraint to not turn into a steamy make out session, but fueled with all the same passion.

"Just hold me, boyfriend." She smiled, kissing him again and feeling his lips press into her nose and her head once again. She suddenly was aware of how much her limbs hurt and ached from the water and the running.

"You're crazy if you think I could let you go." He pulled her in. "Never letting you get away from me again," he kissed her hair, sucking in her scent.

"That's what I'm afraid of…" she said softly. "I think…I think that I could be crazy. Sometimes. I've been thinking about it for a while now, actually. That I might have dug myself in too deep."

"I didn't mean it like that, Spence…"

"I know, it's okay. It was a good segue." She tried to laugh. "But I do think I need help sometimes. More than anyone really can. I've read all about it, the chemical imbalances and the neurosis of it all."

"You aren't crazy," he said again, because he didn't want her to think it, but also because he didn't trust therapists and psychologists.

"I'm just saying. Maybe I could be happy all the time, not just some of the time. And maybe I could be an easier person to be with."

"You do whatever it is you need to do," he said grumbling. "But you can just talk to me, I can help you."

She nodded and snuggled in. She didn't want to talk about this anymore, she was too tired for it. They laid there for a long time in comfortable silence before they fell asleep. Exhausted from the night before, which felt like forever ago somehow.

Spencer jumped out of her slumber, catching her heart in her throat. She woke to realize this time, she was alone. She peeked outside from her window and saw Toby's car was still parked there. And then she noticed the light coming out from under the bathroom door and she breathed deeply. They were both too afraid of losing one another.

She quickly leaned off the edge of the bed and pulled open the bottom drawer of her night table, pulling out a black and blue notebook with a small lock on it and procured the key from the top drawer, where it was taped to the underside of her old retainer case.

She grabbed a pen and quickly jotted down We'll always have always, the words that Toby had promised her and she had begged to remember. She had started the journal long ago - it wasn't so much a diary as it was a book of happy. Her book of her happiness. She had started it when she was a little girl, and whenever she felt sad, she would write down happy things. The book was large - probably at least 500 pages in it. She'd filled up a lot of it over the years. Little doodles and scribbles. The beginning pages had her scrawny little child handwriting from nearly a decade ago, with words like puppies, beaches, Disney movies, my dollhouse, when Melissa plays with me without fighting, doing good in dance, Justin Timberlake, ice cream cake and other sweet little things to think about when she'd been sent to her room or left home alone when Melissa was allowed to come to a function with all the grown-ups. But it had evolved. She hadn't written in it in quite some time until she met Toby - well, until their real story had started, anyway. It stopped being about good things to think about or even good things that happened. At first she wrote about how he made her feel human and made her feel emotions again, to be excited about things for the first time in a long time. But very quickly her entries became daily, because she was with him often. And it became the documented story of them. Her only reason to smile had become him. She quickly started to close the book, but when she realized he wasn't coming out soon sine she hadn't heard a flush or the water run, she continued to write. About how he held all her secrets so well and how she fit just perfectly in his arms and how beautiful he made the words sound when he talked to her, and about her, and how she wanted to love him but she wasn't ready to admit it.

And just like that, she was grinning again like a damn fool.

When she'd written about a page, she realized he must've been in the bathroom a long time, and knocked on the door. "Are you alright in there?" She knocked twice and heard him mutter something and some miscellaneous noises. "Toby?" She turned the doorknob and realized it wasn't locked, so opened it, and found him sitting on the edge of the tub crying. She sank down to the floor and faced him, holding his hands, her lip already puffing out into a pout and tears behind her eyes just seeing him this way. She was a very emotional person, and cared about just about everyone she'd ever met. Even the ones who'd hurt her the most. But especially Toby. He was the only person in the world she felt safe with, and whole with, and that was all she ever wanted. "Did I do something? Did something happen? Are you hurt?" Her hands gripped his knees, her eyes searching his as if she could see into his soul.

He collapsed onto the floor next to her, pulling her into his lap and crying into her hair. She held him back and let him cry, trying to comfort him as best she could. She stopped asking questions, and just loved him the way he needed to be loved - just by comforting him. Sometimes the why isn't as important as the simple fact that the tears are falling.

She kissed his head. "You're okay, it's all okay, I've got you and I'm going to do whatever you need…" she whispered in his ear, kissing the patch of skin just in front of his ear, leaning into him. He just held her tighter. "I thought you were going to be dead when I found you," he finally said in an explosion of words from his lips, hysterics coating his every syllable. "I thought you were gone forever…" He sobbed. She just held his head, but couldn't look at him, knowing she'd hurt him. She did this. She was used to confronting failure and hurt, but this was the worst of it.

"And I made it worse," he continued through sobs "I yelled at you when I found you, and I kept telling you how bad you were making me feel when you did what you did, and I sounded just like him…I sounded just like my dad and I made it worse and I was being so selfish…but I was SO SCARED…" He was gripping her arms tight.

"Shhh…you aren't selfish…I am…I did this…"

"See? This is what I didn't want!" His nose was running and his words were laced with fear and his eyes were bloodshot and his voice shook tremendously.

She just held him. "I'm not who you think I am, and you're not your dad. And your dad never meant anything…he was just scared, like you…"

"You said it before…you said you're not her." He sniffled. "You know about my mom." He said it more like a statement but the look on his face was asking it like a question.

"I just put it all together…I don't know everything." She rubbed his back as he caught his breath from the sobs.

"Do you want to talk about it? About her?" She offered. "I'd love to hear about her, if you want to talk." She encouraged, looking at him with this insanely hopeful look in her eyes. He felt like he could feel her eyes on him when he spoke, as if she wasn't just listening with her ears, but with her whole being. Every word meant everything to her.

"She was my best friend," he started "My dad was gone for work all the time and she was always home, always there for me. We did little day trips all the time and we spent so much time together. But I took it for granted and wanted to spend time away, and I think too much time alone got to her, and it brought back her depression and her drinking." He started slowly.

Spencer smiled big. "It's becomes something about you eats up all the demons." She still smiled. "I feel it too. When you're around all the black stuff inside of me goes hiding. I can feel it." She spoke softly and slowly to keep him at ease. "But it's not your fault she slipped back. It's not one's fault, except the bad things inside of her, but she couldn't control them." She quickly added.

He nodded. "She was drinking and it was making her sicker, mentally and also physically. She got into a few car accidents for drinking and driving, and ended up in the hospital a few times for taking her anti-depressants with too much alcohol. My dad said a facility where someone could be with her all the time would help, even though I offered to take time from school or to quit the team. But I was little and couldn't help as much as I thought I could. She was only at Radley two months before she jumped off the roof. My dad should have been there and stopped her. She should have been at home." He was crying again.

She just held him. "She loves you, I can tell by how you talk about her when you tell me stories about the good stuff. And all those pictures in your house." She'd memorized almost all of them.

"She loved you so much she became an angel to watch you," she offered, knowing it might not help or even be true. But sometimes words make a difference. Even if both parties think differently or know better.

"I just don't want you to be the same…I can't know someone else who is my best friend and then leaves…" He held her. "I'm scared and I know you said you won't but that doesn't mean I'm not scared…I need to be there for you like my dad should have been for her…"

"Your dad did all he could and you are doing more than enough and I am not your mother. I never could be. I could never replace her and I don't want to leave. I'm banking on better days."

She continued to hold him close to her chest and rub his head. "Did you keep this in this whole time because you thought you had to take care of me and not let me be there for you? Because I hate that. We should be a team."

"I just—" he sniffled.

"Promise me?" She kissed him, and looked deep into his eyes.

"I promise…if you promise you'll tell me too. Even if you do something bad like leave or cut yourself or…anything."

"I promise. And I promise I won't do those things anymore. At least, try my hardest." She nodded.

"I love you…" he kissed her, tears still flooding his eyes. "I know i'm not supposed to say that I know it hurts you in ways I can't understand but that was the last time I promise…I just had to…"

"Shhhh…" She kissed him. "Always, okay?" She held his face in her hands. "Let's go to bed, so I can hold you better." She offered, and got him to bed, still sniffling.

She held him. "I like taking care of you too, for the record." She said kissing him passionately. This time, it did turn into a bit of a make out session.

After about ten minutes of deep kissing and hands flying, she put her arm around him and spooned him.

"July 4th…" She finally said after a few minutes of quiet.

"Already planning a party?" He choked out a bit of a laugh, rolling over to face her.

"My birthday." She said softly.

"Really?" He sat up a little.

"Freedom ring," she shrugged, laughing a bit. "Now you know one more of my secrets." She said, cozying into him with her arm draped over his chest.

"Well you better start preparing yourself for your best birthday yet," he raised an eyebrow, kissing her softly and rolling over so he wasn't facing her. "Now go to sleep before your parents are home and I have to go home."

"But…"

"Goodnight," he insisted.

"No," she said pulling the covers away.

"It may be 8AM, but we haven't slept yet."

"Well my body is exhausted but we may as well commit to the all-nighter. I was thinking Harry Potter?" She teased, knowing it was his guilty pleasure.

"Chamber of Secrets or no deal." He argued.

"Deal." She said. "And breakfast in bed?"

"Only if you let me help you cook." He argued again.

"But every time we cook together we end up making a mess."

He made a puppydog face. "But it's fun?"

"Fine, but we're not making anything involving flour."

He kissed her cheek and held her hand and pulled her downstairs.

"Here's to an infinite number of mornings together like this."

"With less bad stuff before though…"

He bit the back of her shoulder a bit "I can think of a lot of other ways we could spend an all-nighter." He teased.

She yelped. "I guess you'll have to show me next time." She said kissing him on the stairs.

"Always." He grinned a doofy grin and she followed suite. His favorite look, always.