Willow stared blankly ahead as she drove down a generic, gray highway; so far away from the plush green and azure blue that had been either side of the road in Hawaii.
And the screaming and screeching going on in the back of yet another rented minivan was a far cry from the peaceful silence of cruising along with Tara in that zippy red Mustang.
All she could see was gray, gray, gray with the occasional pop of color as another car passed by.
She was so zoned out she didn't even realize the endless chatter was being directed at her until Tara grabbed the wheel of the car from beside her.
"Honey!"
"Huh?" Willow shook her head back to attention.
Tara pointedly animatedly ahead.
"The exit!"
Willow saw the sign for their exit barreling toward them with just seconds to react.
"Shit!" she yelled as she took the turn with screeching tires for a soundtrack.
Everyone bounced around for a minute, then Willow blew out a breath as they evened out again.
"I didn't say that."
Everyone was quiet and Willow hated it so much more than the inane chatter.
"Willow," Tara said quietly.
"Yeah, I know, Tara," Willow shot back, way too harshly.
She flipped the radio on in frustration.
Finally, the sign was approaching. The one that made her bristle even still when she saw it.
'Welcome To Sunnydale'.
'Enjoy Your Stay', it mocked her.
In truth, she had enjoyed her little breaks to check up on the store in the past. Sure, it wasn't exactly a city break or cozy getaway but she loved what they'd made of the bookstore and it truly didn't bother her if she ran into her mother because she could just walk away.
She'd mourned that relationship long ago.
But having the kids here…it was a whole new level of antsy.
She was starting to think this was a really bad idea.
The cruel things her mother had said to them on their last meetings still rang in her mind — they didn't sting anymore, they didn't feel much of anything but some sadness for the whole situation but they were harsh and dismissive. And she would not let her children hear them or think for one second they weren't legitimate or a real family or that the twins had some sort of elevation above the rest just for being 'hers'.
This was a really, really bad idea.
Just as soon as she thought it, Tara's hand came to rest over her tight knuckles. Willow glanced over and Tara mouthed 'everything will be okay' and just as soon as the words had been not-spoken, Willow was okay again.
Okay, still a little bit antsy but not the wound ball about to pop like she had been just seconds before.
She exhaled and nodded with a soft smile as some familiar landmarks started to pop up.
"Well, kids, here it is. The old hunting ground."
"Y-You went hunting?" Emily called forward unsurely.
"No, sweetie, it's just a phrase," Willow reassured, "This is where I grew up."
She started to point out the window.
"That's where I got coffee on my way to school and oh, hey, that's where I actually went to school and…" she paused for a moment, "Well apart from the bookstore that's just about all of the places I went as a kid."
"When can we see the bookstore?" Lily asked curiously.
"After we check into the hotel, honey," Tara answered and reached across to rub Willow's shoulder.
Lily sat forward as much as the seat belt would allow.
"If this is where you grew up, how come we're not staying in your house?"
Willow's shoulders tensed again but Tara was there to rub it away.
"Well, sweetie…" Willow started to reply, not quite able to find the words she had rehearsed so much in her head, "You, um, you guys know that I don't really um…well, the thing is, me and my mother, well…see, we don't speak. So we can't stay there. But it's okay because the hotel is really…well, it's stay-able and it has a pool. And you're in California so you can actually swim in January."
Lily slowly sat back and seemed content with the answer.
Emily, however, wasn't.
"Momma?" she called out in a bit of a timid voice, "How come you don't speak to your Momma?"
Willow swallowed.
"My mother," she began, clearing her throat once and finding her words, "Doesn't talk to me. And she doesn't talk to me because…she doesn't like that I married another woman."
"Why does she care?" Lily asked in confusion.
"That's a very good question, panda bear," Willow smiled sadly, "And the answer is: 'I don't know'. But she does. And you know what sucks about that most?"
She looked in the rearview mirror at each and every one of them, even the boys who were hard to make out all the way in the back.
"It means she doesn't get to know how amazing all of you kids are. Because you all are the best thing to come out of mom and I getting married."
Tara glanced back to see how that was all sitting and noticed Emily looked troubled.
"What's up, koala? What are you thinking?"
Emily's eyes were in her lap.
"I-I didn't know moms could stop talking to their kids."
Willow looked stricken.
"Emily," she called back softly, "No matter what, me and Mommy will never, ever stop speaking to you. Or stop loving you."
Stopped at a light, she reached back and outstretched her hand.
"Pinky promise."
Emily hesitated, then wrapped her pinky around Willow's and shook.
"What about me?" Robyn piped up with a grin.
Willow gave her a cautious look.
"Just don't blow up any dams, okay?"
"What about if we talk about her?" Lily was back to questioning, "Should we call her 'Grandma'?"
Willow opened her mouth but closed it again to consider it.
"I don't think she deserves that title," she said, glancing at Tara to confirm her support, "But it's up to you."
Robyn leaned forward, her eyes alight with mischief.
"Can I call her—"
"NO," Willow and Tara answered resolutely together without needing to hear what the option was going to be.
Robyn folded her arms over her chest and sat back with a pout.
They parked at the hotel and the girls all rushed out excitement to see the pool. Kayden's eyes seemed to be everywhere, checking out the cool Californian architecture but JJ's eyes were down and his hands were stuffed in his pockets.
"JJ, you've been quiet," Tara asked gently as she slid the door of the minivan closed behind him, "Are you okay?"
JJ looked up and made a non-committal motion.
"Uh-huh."
Tara patted the back of his shoulder gently. She suspected this had to do with that girl JJ had been spending time with. She didn't envy being a teenager heartbroken over a vacation fling.
"We're here if you need to talk."
He sighed but it was lost on the wind.
Willow gave him and Kayden the key to their room and she had Tara bring the girls up to their family room.
There was a brief tussle between Robyn and Lily over who would take the single and who would share one of the two doubles with Emily but Robyn won over seniority or height or possibly threat of tattle. As long as it wasn't violent, Willow and Tara stayed out of it with those two.
Willow threw their case into the small space at the bottom of the closet.
She felt Tara's presence before she felt the strong arms being wrapped around her body from behind.
A little kiss was pressed to her ear and then a sweet voice spoke into it.
"Do we need to bring the kids at a particular time?"
"Um," Willow replied, closing her eyes to gather her thoughts, "Not really, but I'd like to get them in and out before the evening clientele start to come in. They're a bit more rambunctious than a small town wine and book bar tends to go for."
Her shoulders relaxed as the scent of Tara's shampoo wafted through her nose.
"Well, it's only lunchtime," Tara crooned softly in Willow's ear, "So why don't I take the girls off for a swim and some food — in that order, in case you're worried about cramps — and let the boys do what they want to do for a while. And you can just take a breather."
Willow smiled and leaned back into Tara's embrace.
"You would think they'd had their fill of swimming."
"Pool swimming is entirely different to ocean swimming, Momma," Robyn said knowledgeably and got resounding nods from the other two.
"Will they have pool noodles?" Lily asked excitedly.
Willow just smiled.
She helped get the kids changed into swimsuits and goggles and kissed Tara on the cheek as she hoarded them all out of there and up to the roof.
Willow sat on the end of hers and Tara's bed and did as her wife advised; took a breather.
She placed her hands on her thighs and did some inhales and exhales but that didn't quite quieten her mind so she hoisted her legs up and crossed them under her instead.
There.
That felt like a more mindful pose.
It worked enough for Willow to realize she couldn't spend the rest of the day and night here feeling like she was feeling. This was supposed to be a positive experience.
And she was over 40 years old for god's sake, she could deal with this like an adult.
She walked over to the desk and picked up the pencil sitting there before tearing a piece of paper from the little notepad.
She wrote her words quickly and succinctly.
In town, best we don't see each other, ignore me if you see me and I'll do the same. Willow.
She nodded.
That would do it.
She asked for an envelope at reception, stuck her note safely inside, and got into the car. It took a moment to remember what color and model she was looking for with all of the cars they'd cycled through over this vacation but it was the only mini-van in the lot so it stood out pretty distinctly.
She put the envelope on the passenger side and drove out quickly before she lost her nerve.
Willow rarely drove to this part of town when she came out this way. It was just easier. But there was something nice about driving down the old streets and remembering some of the fun she'd had as a child.
The dirt she'd dug up to test the soil with her home chemistry kit and the trees she'd used to calculate the angle of the sun. The pavement where she'd scraped her knee when doing her own little running experiments of relativity.
Finally, she pulled up outside the house; her house. Her mother's house.
Her eyes cast a furtive glance toward the envelope and with one long, deep breath, she plucked it from the spot and left the car.
Walking with purpose, she strode down the driveway like she was a delivery driver on a busy Saturday night. She popped the letter through the letterbox, nodded once definitively, and turned to leave.
Then the door opened.
Willow turned back around and looked in surprise.
"Oh. Um. Hi."
When Tara came back to the room with the girls wrapped up in towels and in a state of giddy exhaustion from all of the pool shenanigans — they did have pool noodles and they were primarily used to catch each other by the neck to dunk the other person — Willow all but leaped across the entire length of the room.
"She moved!"
Tara physically jumped back in surprise but caught herself with her hand against her heart.
"Girls, go wash off in the shower. Then I'll bring you to get burgers and fries."
They all ran off on that promise and Tara dropped the beach bag by the door.
"Can you repeat that?"
Willow leaned forward on her toes, putting all of her energy into that spot.
"Sheila. She moved. She doesn't live in Sunnydale any longer."
Tara looked surprised.
"Oh."
Willow smiled.
"Every time I come here, I brace myself," she said, gesticulating all around her as she laughed, "And she hasn't even lived here since before we opened the store!"
Tara could tell Willow was verging on hysterical and took her hands between them to help ground her.
"Where did she go?"
Willow felt the squeeze of Tara's fingers and instantly calmed.
"Got a professorship at Stanford. At least that's where her mail is being forwarded by the lovely new family that lives at her house," she explained, smiling sadly for a moment, "Living her best life. Good for her because it was a pretty sad one."
Tara looked sympathetic.
"Why didn't your Dad know? He would have told you, surely?"
Willow shrugged one shoulder.
"I'm guessing she's hiding extra income to keep getting alimony or…I don't know," she sighed, "And honestly, I don't care. I'll tell Dad, but I don't really care what he does about it."
Her shoulders slumped down.
"This is a relief. I can come back here without being all avoid-y," she said with the relief she spoke of evident on her face, "I feel like I'm the one all het up on pool endorphins."
Tara lifted her hands to Willow's face and cupped each cheek.
"I'm so happy for you to have this burden lifted."
She pressed her lips to Willow, who pretty much melted right on the spot.
Willow pulled Tara into a hug without breaking the kiss until they naturally parted and Tara closed the hug.
When they pulled apart, Willow was smiling easily.
"I am now fully ready to engage in family time. Did I hear you say burgers and fries?"
Tara nodded.
"I saw some fast food place on the way in. Doublemeat—"
"Palace, yeah," Willow finished and grimaced, "No."
One of Tara's eyebrows rose.
"Oh?"
Willow shook her head.
"Just no."
Willow was normally the one to feed the kids food of questionable nutrition so if she was saying no, it was definitely no.
"Any suggestions?" she asked hopefully.
The not-so-stellar eating options for downtown Sunnydale flicked through Willow's mind.
"The store serves some food. We could do a little quality control spot check," she grinned, but it faltered, "That sounded sexier in my head."
"I promised them burgers and fries," Tara replied, frowning.
"We're the owners, we'll demand it," Willow replied surely, then had to laugh at the look on Tara's face, "Chill out, we have an Angus burger and sweet potato fry dish on the menu. Remember last year I got sent that big box of frozen burgers to approve?"
Tara did; specifically eating burgers for three nights in a row and forgetting what burgers were supposed to taste like when asked to grade them. They had been good though, and she was happier to give the kids decent meat and ingredients.
She smiled.
"I'll text the boys."
She messaged JJ and Kayden to meet them outside in 15 and then she and Willow had to try and quickly corral the girls into clothing.
Willow and Tara exchanged a look of exhaustion but smiled a special smile for each other, one that said: whatever happens, this day will end with us curled up together.
When the girls were finally dressed, dragging themselves from hunger, they all went downstairs and met up with the boys.
JJ still seemed a bit mopey but Kayden looked so happy one might even mistake him for an extrovert.
He asked Willow some stuff about the eclectic building styles but Willow didn't have much information to give him, though it didn't stop him from looking so starry-eyed. It was nice to see him so excited about something.
The bookstore was just off Maple Court so they walked a couple of blocks around the epicenter of Sunnydale culture to get there.
Outside there was a new sign with the new name — Bibliosmia, a word which described the smell and aroma of a good book, found by Tara as they spent weeks trying to find a perfect fit — but in the shop window, there still remained: 'Ruth Michelson, proprietor, est. 1942'. But now above, it bore Willow and Tara's names and an 's' had just about been fitted in after 'proprietor'.
"What do you think guys?" Willow asked with some nervous excitement.
On the other window, there was a big display that said 'Read. Sip. Chat.' and an old, distressed-wood table with a single chair sat there with an open bottle of wine and books in various positions.
Willow opened the door and smiled as she inhaled that scent. Even after all that had changed here, that smell was still the same.
Tara stepped inside after the kids and had a good look around.
It hadn't actually changed much since the opening, which Tara took with pride as she'd had a heavy hand in helping design the layout.
It still very much had a cluttered bookstore feel because that was very important to Willow but once you pushed past the initial rows of bookcases, there was an elevated clearing littered with recycled seating and a half-moon bar. If you walked to the opposite end of the store, there was more seating but it was in the form of beanbags and soft furnishings.
Sitting from high above, close to the ceiling, a portrait of Ruth hung to watch over them all.
As she always did, Willow smiled sadly as she looked at it.
"I wish I'd introduced you kids to Ruth," she said, putting as much arm as she could around them all, "She was deserving of 'Grandma'."
JJ rolled his eyes but nobody saw it.
As they were having the moment, a woman came down the three steps from the seating area. She was plump and wore a short black bob and wore a t-shirt that said 'my other car is a broom'.
"Willow," she greeted warmly, walking over to kiss Willow on each cheek and then moving away to embrace Tara warmly, "Tara. Long time."
"Hello Marla," Tara replied warmly.
"These must be the children!" Marla said with a keen smile for them all, "It's nice to finally meet you all. I hear about you all the time!"
The kids all smiled politely but Lily tugged on Willow's pants.
"Momma, I'm hungry."
"Right," Willow replied quickly, "Marla, could we get the burger all round here."
"Absolutely," Marla nodded quickly, "Eat and relax."
She brought them through and Willow was surprised and pleased to see a couple of tables were actually filled despite it being a weekday just after the holidays. One was a lone diner — reading a book from the 'library' section where people could borrow one of their more battered books unfit for sale to read while they ate or just curl up in a beanbag with — and the other was a male/female couple in glasses who were enjoying a coffee and sharing one of their huge book-shaped black-and-white cookies.
The gang took the big bench seat at the back; normally used to seat a few people family-style, so it just about fit their family.
Willow caught Marla giving a little pep talk to a younger man behind the bar and guessed he might be new because she didn't recognize him from last time.
He smoothed out his shirt and approached confidently, perhaps faking it more than was really there.
"Hi, I'm Julian. May I take your drinks order today?" he offered with a winning smile, "If you wish I can recommend a wine."
Willow looked to Tara with an arched eyebrow, who shrugged and smiled easily.
"Sure," Willow smiled too, "Go ahead. We're having the burger."
Julian nodded quickly and stood more importantly.
"For a classic ground beef burger, I would suggest a Syrah or you might enjoy a Cabernet Sauvignon. If you enjoy a Malbec, I would recommend a bottle from a cooler vineyard such as Mendoza that will have a higher-than-normal acidity to compliment the dish."
Willow smiled; she couldn't fault a word of that.
"We'll take two glasses of the Cabernet Sauvignon."
The kids called out various shades of soft drinks and minutes later they were delivered with two very pleasant glasses of wine that perfectly accompanied the burgers that were brought to the table not long after that.
Everyone ate hungrily and thankfully it was a decent meal. Willow wanted to make sure she got the name of relish they were using because she wanted to use it at home.
Once refueled, Lily was eager to get moving again.
"Momma, can I go read a book?"
Willow lit up. Lily had never been the biggest bibliophile in the family.
"Absolutely, Lil," she encouraged eagerly and put a finger to her lips, "Just remember in the book section we have to be quiet okay?"
Lily bounced off to see how many books she could stack on top of each other.
Emily suggested to Kayden that they find a book on art to read together and Robyn was curious when she saw some audiotapes in the library section on the civil rights movement.
JJ's phone beeped and he stood up.
"I'm going for a walk."
He pushed off without another look and Willow arched her eyebrow at Tara.
"Has he finally discovered teenagedom?"
"Perhaps, the pitfalls of it," Tara said sympathetically, just as Marla came over to check everything was to their liking, "Marla, you are doing a fantastic job. This place is thriving."
Willow slid over on the bench.
"Come sit for a minute. I'm the boss, you're allowed," she grinned good-naturedly, "Tell me all the latest developments."
Marla took the seat and rested her arms on the table.
"Oh, since we last saw you…well, we serve Butterbeer for Harry Potter-themed birthday parties now and we started a trivia night every month, oh and we do story-time every week now with a drag troupe from the city. Oh, and we even just booked our first wedding," she professed with a grin because that had been her own personal 'get', "They're coming from out of town just for it. A couple of kids, they met here during college when they both came here to use the textbook recycling program."
Willow smiled proudly across the table.
"All Tara's idea."
Tara waved a hand bashfully.
"And I'm about to sign the papers on a second wedding," Marla continued proudly, "Smaller but much higher budget. It's a second wedding for them both so they want intimate but glamorous."
"Glamorous," Willow asked with an arched eyebrow, "We're considered glamorous?"
Marla looked quite smug.
"We're quite popular with the Thursday evening high society population of Sunnydale. Cordelia demanded to sample the menu despite being here every week but once that's done, we'll be looking to hold the reception in the summer."
Willow stalled.
"Cordelia?" she asked, her eyes slowly widening, "As in…Chase?"
Marla nodded evenly.
"Formally Doyle, soon to be Groosalugg but yes, Cordelia Chase."
"Groosalugg?" Tara asked unsurely, "Is that…Swedish?"
Marla offered a pained nod.
"Something like that."
Willow's mouth opened and closed again.
"Does she…happen to know who the owners are?"
"Oh yes," Marla nodded with a knowing smile, "She tried to blag a discount by saying you were friends in high school."
Willow laughed, slowly at first, then so hard she actually had to bend over.
"You know what? I wish her a happy second marriage," she said, wiping tears from her eyes and slipping her hand into Tara's with a wink, "Not everyone is as lucky as me first time around."
From a distance, Julian called for Marla's attention and she departed with another smile and quick hug for each of them.
Both Willow and Tara grinned proudly at each other.
"This place is doing amazing," Tara said softly, "You are amazing."
"It's all Marla and the gang," Willow waved her hand, then looked downward, "Sometimes I wonder if Ruth would be rolling in her grave about all the changes I made."
"No, darling," Tara shook her head surely, "She would be so proud."
Willow still looked unsure, so Tara came around and sat next to her.
"Listen to me," she said, taking both of Willow's hands in hers, "I. Am. So. Proud. Of. You."
She wanted to punctuate each word with a kiss but did it with a smile instead.
Willow smiled. She understood.
"Wanna go make an 'us' indent in one of those beanbags like I always dreamed about as a kid?"
Tara smiled softly.
"I'd love nothing more."
Hand-in-hand, they walked across the store with only eyes for each other and sat into one of the beanbags together.
They almost immediately stood back up.
"Oh my god," Willow groaned lightly.
"Oh, no," Tara said, holding her hands at the small of her back, "I'm 42 years old. My back is not able for that."
"And those are good beanbags! We spent a fortune on them," Willow grumbled, then had to smile, "That teaches me not to relive childhood memories."
She cocked an eyebrow at Tara.
"Wanna go get another glass of wine?"
Tara's lips sloped seductively on one side.
"I could be tempted."
They drudged back up to a more intimate place setting in the café where they had a better view to watch over the girls and ordered two more glasses of wine.
"To Ruth?" Tara suggested when they arrived.
Willow nodded.
"To all the real mothers out there."
She clinked her glass against Tara's.
"And to knowing I have the best one by my side every day of my life."