Say You Won't Let Go Chapter 3
A/N: Hey everyone, welcome to the third chapter of my story! It's a more lengthy one, so I hope you enjoy!
Weeks and weeks had passed since the whole coffee ordeal, when Liz and Ressler had tripped and spilt it all over themselves.
They had grown overly close in these last few weeks, always lingering close to each other and never going beyond arms reach unless they absolutely had to. It was sort of peculiar to the rest of the team; they'd always known that they were good friends and even better partners, but they'd never quite seen anything like this.
Nonetheless, they were happy for them. It was good for Liz to have someone, especially since she'd lost Tom not too long ago. The same went for Ressler, since he was usually such a lone wolf. There was obviously some heavy emotions and burdens that he held underneath his impregnable exterior, but he would never let them show. Unless, perhaps, to Liz.
Liz had to admit to herself that she'd never imagined that Ressler could be such good company, or support, for that matter. Of course, they'd always been close, but they'd never really delved into the realm of each other's feelings, with a few exceptions, of course. That bottomless pit always felt too deep, too raw to acknowledge with each other. And yet now, that was practically all they began to discuss with each other. It was amazing how much lighter it made her chest feel, how much it lightened her mood. She'd be lying if she said that seeing him everyday and getting to talk with him like this wasn't the highlight of her day. She hoped that it wouldn't just be a fleeting thing, that it wouldn't vanish as soon as it had really started.
But, like all good things, it only lasted for so long before it began to get bad again. Talking with Ressler had managed to chase away some of the demons that had been plaguing her nonstop since Tom's death, and she had been able to sleep most nights, but lately they'd all been coming back to haunt her.
Liz couldn't get a full night's sleep anymore without waking up screaming or in a cold sweat, and the fear that she felt in the aftermath was so strong she was certain she might pass out. Even sleeping with the lights on or with a gun right on her nightstand hadn't done anything; she was still screaming, still had insomnia, and still couldn't shake that crawling, gnawing fear.
It was only until Ressler noticed that she finally couldn't hide nor handle it anymore.
He'd noticed the one morning when she'd walked into the Post Office with dark, pronounced circles under her eyes, her movements so sluggish she could barely walk. He caught her arm just before they were about to head down to the war room for a briefing, his piercing blue eyes warm with concern.
"Liz, is something wrong? You look like you haven't slept in days." Liz tried to muster up a semi-positive smile to cover up her creeping emotions.
"I-I'm fine, I've just had a few restless night's sleep. But I'm good, no worries." The wall that she had so speedily constructed may as well have been made of glass, because Ressler saw right through it. He'd always been able to see right through her; she wasn't exactly sure why she'd thought that putting up a front would've have worked to ease his worries.
Brows furrowing, Ressler chuckled a bit. "You'll have to try a lot harder than that, Keen; I can tell that something's wrong. Very wrong." Liz sighed, raising her other hand to rub at her temples.
"Just...can we please talk about this later? We have a briefing to get to." Ressler continued to stare at her for a moment, his emotions warring between forcing Liz to open up and just letting it go until they had a spare moment to address it.
Finally, he sighed, letting go of her arm. "Fine, but we will talk about this later." Liz rolled her eyes playfully before starting down the stairs, Ressler following close at her heels as they prepared to hear their next Blacklister.
...
Reddington had cheerfully introduced their new target to them that morning, presenting him as Alex Karven. He was a well known drug dealer who was intermixed in several different cartels and drug rings, and was also recently starting to dip his feet into far more dangerous waters; he had begun hunting down agents, contacts, and basically anyone else that were instrumental to the government to sell for ransom at very high prices.
"He's certainly one of the bigger fish on my list," Reddington said with a coy smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.
"I imagine you'll have fun chasing down this one." Making brief eye contact with everyone to make sure they understood the case, he gave another empty smile before fixing his brand new navy and grey fedora neatly atop his head and striding confidently out of the room towards the elevator, Dembe in tow.
Cooper immediately began making assignments, sending Liz and Ressler out to investigate a new lead that Aram had unearthed while Reddington had been speaking, and Samar to research other possible leads that they could pursue.
Everyone jumped to their tasks, ready to catch another dirty criminal and bring him in, as well as have another absolutely exhausting day. It seemed that every day was like that at the Post Office; nobody could really remember when they weren't haphazardly rushing to finish paperwork or desperately chasing a number of leads on a new case. Such was the norm.
...
Ressler and Liz drove in silence over to Mr. Karven's ex-wife's house (she was their lead, of course), both of them entirely unsure of what to say.
Ressler became more and more worried as the day dragged on; Liz seemed to hardly be able to focus, and when she thought he wasn't looking, she would briefly close her eyes and begin to fall into a deep sleep before she forced herself to jolt awake again, eyes wide as saucers.
He still wasn't exactly sure what was going on, and it was eating him alive, but there wasn't enough time to ask her about it while they were on a case.
Ressler resolved to asking when they returned to the Post Office, and kept a worried eye trained on Liz for the rest of the day as her condition only began to worsen.
...
Finally, at the end of the day, when they had interrogated Karven's ex-wife and come up with a plan on how to track him down, Ressler caught Liz again in their office as they were both supposed to pack up to leave.
Liz hadn't even started yet, her papers and books and everything else still on a neat pile on her desk instead of in her bag. It was extremely unusual for Liz to be so unorganized, and it was even more unusual for her to be sitting at her desk with her hands in her lap, gaze downcast and completely crestfallen.
Unable to take it anymore, Ressler silently closed the office door to give them some semblance of privacy before crossing the room in a couple of broad steps to stand by her desk.
Leaning back against the wall, Ressler crossed his arms over his chest before speaking.
"Talk to me, Keen. You've been off all day, and it's been aggravating because I have no idea why. And don't think that I didn't notice, because it was plain as day." Liz brushed a hand over her eyes before moving them to meet his, and he was surprised to find that they glistened with tears. Liz was silent for a moment before speaking.
"I-It's fine, Ressler, you don't have to worry about me," she whispered, turning in her chair to face her computer. Ressler clenched his jaw before trying again, forgetting how stubborn she could be.
"Keen, tell me. I'm worried about you and I can't just leave you in this mopy state. It's not like you." Liz bit her lip before trying to brush him off again, but it was to no avail. He wouldn't budge.
"Honestly, Ressler, stop worrying-"
"Keen." His voice turned sharp and stern as his eyes bore into her, forcing her to look up and stop trying to evade his attempts to help her. Breathing a sigh, Liz finally felt the emotions that she'd been trying to hide come rushing to the surface, far faster and harder than she'd expected, and after a moment, she choked on a sob before bursting into tears.
Ressler was unsure what to do in that moment, watching as Keen buried her face in her hands and her tears dropped onto her wooden desk silently, shining like starlight under the bright fluorescent lights that hung above their heads. He'd comforted her before by holding her in his arms, but she had been the one to initiate it. Was it appropriate now? Would she draw away from him?
He'd never been good with crying people, with comforting them. But it only took a moment for him to gently lean over and place a hand on her shoulder, squeezing as he made a decision to comfort her, in whatever way possible, however minimal.
"Liz," he said gently, trying to coax her from her crying state. But she continued sobbing, clearly unable to get a handle on her emotions.
"Liz," he said again, a bit firmer this time as he continued to squeeze her shoulder. He could feel the tension that had been knotting up there slowly releasing, but he knew it wasn't enough.
"Liz, it's okay. Just tell me what's been happening. Let me help you." It took him a few more tries, but she finally began to uncurl from her little shell, removing her hands from her face and sniffling. Even though he knew he shouldn't, Ressler couldn't help gently wiping her tears away, unsure if he imagined Liz leaning into his touch or not.
Her eyes were now bright red and puffy, her skin blotchy, but she took a deep, shuddering breath to steady herself before speaking.
"I can't sleep," she whispered, her voice so low Ressler almost couldn't hear.
"I can't sleep, because all of my nightmares keep coming back to haunt me, and they're so realistic and so traumatizing, but I can't control them no matter what I do, and I hate it and I just want them to be gone so that I can sleep again." The words came out in a rush, and Ressler felt his heart fill with sympathy as Liz began to cry again, now clearly seeing why she'd been so off.
It was heartbreaking, really. To see that her heart was branded with so many scars, that she was burdened with pain and fear and trauma beyond anyone's comprehension. Nobody should have to experience the pain that she was feeling. Nobody.
"Keen, come here," he said quietly, now desperate to hold her and try to take away some of that pain. She deserved to have someone look out for her, deserved to have someone at her side. Liz looked shocked for a moment, and another tear slipped down her cheek before she shook her head.
"I can't-" But her words were cut off as Ressler grabbed her hand, pulling her to feet as he wrapped his arms around her. Liz tensed up for a moment before finally relaxing, sobbing once again as she wrapped her arms tightly around him, crying into his chest.
They stood for a while like that, Liz letting out her emotions as Ressler just continued to hold her. He rubbed comforting circles on her back, his heart tearing a little with every sob that escaped her throat. He'd thought that his problems, his demons that were plaguing him were bad. Clearly, they were nothing compared to hers.
After a few more moments of sobbing, Ressler's shirt becoming overly damp with the exorbitant amount of tears Liz had shed, he came up with an idea. She might not agree to it, and that was fine, but he thought that it was probably her best option as of this moment. And for him, too, as he certainly didn't want to leave her alone.
"Come and stay at my apartment for a couple of days," Ressler said, and he heard Liz's sobs pause for a moment and her breath hitch as she drank in his words.
"It's fine if you don't want to, but I don't want to leave you alone, Keen. I think you need somebody right now." Liz's shuddering breaths were the only sounds for a long moment.
"I don't want to intrude," she said finally, her voice almost tinged with embarrassment. Ressler chuckled.
"Don't worry, Keen, you won't be. Not in the slightest." Liz considered for another moment before she sighed.
"If you really don't mind...then I'd love to. Because I really don't want to be alone, either." Ressler smiled a little at that.
"Then what are we waiting for? Let's get you back to my place. You need to sleep."
...
It only took them a few minutes to pack up, get in the car, and head to Ressler's apartment, the drive silent and calm as the streetlights flickered overhead and the city shone in the distance.
Once they made it to the building, Ressler smoothly parked the car and helped Liz grab her bags, idle chatter passing between them as they made their way to the elevator and rode it up to Ressler's floor.
Once they got into the apartment, Ressler put down Liz's bags on the kitchen counter and allowed her to use the one bathroom first so that she could clean up and get ready for bed, saying that she was allowed to use whatever she needed and that she could take her time.
After thanking him, Liz went to wash her face and take out her hair, the cool water gliding over her skin making her feel a slight bit better as she washed away her makeup. Ruffling her hair as it fell over her shoulders, she smiled a bit at her reflection. She felt a whole lot better.
Walking back out into the living room, Liz found Ressler watching TV, a beer in hand and demeanour more relaxed as he watched a rerun of some old soap opera. Liz smiled as she walked over.
"I'm really sorry to have to ask this, but do you have any spare clothes or something I can wear to sleep? I only have my suit." Ressler chuckled before putting down his beer, getting up and making his way to his one bedroom.
"It's fine, Keen. Nobody wants to wear their suit to bed." Rifling through some of his drawers, Ressler eventually found a plain white t-shirt that would clearly be oversized on her. Ressler handed it over before returning to digging through his drawers.
"Is that okay, Keen? Or should I keep looking?" Liz smiled.
"This is fine. I'll just get changed really quick, if you don't mind." Ressler nodded before exiting the room, closing the door behind him as he returned to his soap opera.
Liz quickly stripped off her layers, folding them in a neat pile before pulling Ressler's shirt over her head.
The fabric was soft as silk, sitting comfortably on her skin as she pulled on the corners in an attempt to make it fit better. The shirt was far too big on her, stretching about mid thigh and flopping awkwardly in the arms. But Liz loved it. It was probably the most comfortable shirt she'd ever worn.
Her favourite part, though, was the smell.
It smelled completely of Ressler, of his aftershave and cologne and the musky, manly scent that always seemed to surround him. Liz breathed it in deeply, smiling before she slowly opened the door to the bedroom, grabbed her clothes and deposited them by her bags, and went to join Ressler on the couch.
He'd already finished his beer, his attention now solely focused on the TV in front of him. He smiled when Liz sat down next to him, curling her feet underneath her.
"Aren't you going to get ready for bed?" She asked, and he shrugged.
"Maybe later. I'm feeling a bit lazy right now." Liz laughed before settling in to watch TV with him, smiling at the dramatics of the actors in the soap opera. It wasn't long before she felt her eyelids begin to droop, before she yawned and laid her head on Ressler's shoulder. He didn't even start, merely glancing down at her with a warm smile before returning to the show.
Liz's quiet snores slowly filled the room as she fell into a deep sleep, curled against Ressler's side. He finally clicked off the TV, deciding that he should get ready for bed. Turning and picking Liz up gingerly in his arms, he carried her to his bedroom, pulling back the covers of his bed and gently laying her down before pulling them back up around her shoulders.
She shifted a bit, but Ressler went to gently lay his hand on her shoulder as he'd done before, rubbing comforting circles as he coaxed her back to sleep.
After quickly grabbing a pair of his pj's from one of his drawers, Ressler silently exited the room and got ready for bed, grabbing an extra pillow and blankets from a storage closet to sleep on the couch. A few moments later, he was silently snoring, deep in the pit of sleep, just like Liz.
...
Liz awoke screaming, her stomach bunched up with fear and her eyes wild as she glanced around the room. Where was he? Where was he? Where was the man that had killed Tom? Was he coming for her? Was he plotting to kill her?
Liz screamed again, curling in on herself as her nightmares took over, too real and too near for her to ignore. Why was this happening? How could she make it go away? Sobbing, Liz wrapped her arms around herself as she tumbled further into a pit of fear and despair.
Ressler jolted awake at the first scream, his sleepy senses quickly becoming alert as he realized the scream was Liz's.
Shoving off his blankets, he quickly stood, moving towards his room as fast as he could, forcing himself to move even faster when he heard the second scream.
Bursting through the door, he found a shaking and sobbing Liz, arms wrapped around herself and body curled into a near ball on the bed.
His heart strained at the sight, and he rushed to her side, putting a hand on her arm.
"Liz?" She immediately slapped away his arm, scooting farther back on the bed as her breathing became ragged.
"Who are you?" She whispered timidly.
"Liz, it's me, Ressler," he said calmly, reaching out his hand again.
"It's Ressler. You have nothing to be afraid of." Liz slowly moved her head to peek up at him, tears streaked down her face and eyes red as she gazed at him, his face bathed in moonlight coming in from the window on the other side of the room.
Finally recognizing his face, she unfurled herself, moving to sit on her knees as she began to sob again.
"Oh, Ressler, I-I'm so sorry, I had another nightmare, a-and I-I was so afraid and I.." she trailed off, sobbing into her hands as she trembled.
Ressler slowly sat down on the bed, facing her.
"Keen, you don't have to apologize. I can see how scared you are, how vulnerable you are. I just don't understand why you didn't tell me about this earlier." Liz continued sobbing, before stammering,
"I-I didn't want to worry you." Ressler let out a quiet chuckle before reaching out to grab Liz's arm, gently pulling her hands away from her face.
"Come here, Keen." She stared at him for a moment before moving across the bed to get beside him, wrapping her arms around his neck as she sank into his aid for the second time that day.
She was shaking so hard Ressler could barely hold her, but he just rested his chin atop her head, rubbing her back and whispering comforts as he calmed her down.
She was like a noodle in his arms, completely weak, but he didn't mind. She could be vulnerable around him; she could be weak around him, and he wouldn't care, because he'd always be here to protect her, to hold her head above water.
"You always worry me, Keen," he finally whispered silently against her head.
"I think that just comes with caring about someone as much as I care about you." Liz gripped him tighter, sighing as she finally began to calm down.
"Thank you, Ressler," she said after a moment. "I care about you, too."
They stayed like that until Ressler felt her begin to completely calm down, and then he began to pull away.
"I guess I should leave you to sleep again," he said as he got up, turning towards the door.
"You're probably exhausted." But he hadn't even taken a step before a tentative hand gripped his arm, causing him to look back.
Liz's cheeks were a slight shade of red as she glanced down at the comforter, but she whispered,
"Would you...would you stay?" Ressler's eyes widened ever so slightly at her question. Was she really...asking him that?
Liz dragged her eyes up to his, pleading.
"Please. I-I don't want to be alone again." Ressler took another moment to process before he cleared his throat, turning back around.
"Of course," he said quietly.
And so, after he'd slid into bed beside her, pulling the comforter up around his shoulders, he took her into his arms, pulling her close against him.
Liz laid her head on his broad chest, closing her eyes as she also laid her hands on his chest, tucking herself into his side.
She immediately felt soothed and warm from Ressler's body heat as he massaged her back again, his movements causing her to feel more tired than before.
She couldn't remember the last time that she'd felt this safe while sleeping, the last time that she wasn't afraid of waking up screaming.
So she let herself tumble into the darkness of sleep, a smile frozen on her face against her protective partner.
And, for the first time in a long time, she had a peaceful, dreamless sleep, void of terrors, screaming, and sobbing.